Homer: [after receiving a low gross paycheck as Santa] Thirteen bucks? I can't get anything for thirteen bucks! [Barney comes over with his paycheck]
Barney: All right, thirteen big ones! Springfield Downs, here I come!
Homer: What? [Barney kisses check]
Barney: You heard me! I'm going to the dog track. [sits beside Homer] I got a hot little puppy in the fourth race. Wanna come?
Homer: [gloomy] Sorry, Barney. I may be a total washout as a father, but I'm not gonna take my kid to a sleazy dog track on Christmas Eve.
Barney: Come on, Simpson! The dog's name is Whirlwind. Ten-to-one shot. [nudges him] Money in the bank.
Bart: Aw, come on, Dad. This could be the miracle that saves the Simpsons' Christmas. If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it gonna happen to us! [Barney taps Homer's shoulder; they all go]
Homer: Well, okay, let's go. Who's Tiny Tim?
Homer: [dressed as Santa with Bart on his lap] And what's your name, Bart...ner.... uh, little partner?
Homer: I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape! [chases Bart]
Bart: Uh-oh! Kwyjibo on the loose!
Bart: Dad, I got to tell you something, hope you won't be too mad.
Homer: What is it, son?
Bart: I'm not a genius, dad.
Bart: I cheated on the intelligent test, I'm sorry! But you then made the past few weeks great. Me and you were doing stuff together, you've helped me out with things, we're closer than we've ever been. I love you, dad, and I think if something can bring us that close, it can't possibly be bad.
Mr. Burns: Ah! Oh, yes. Oh, and this must be your lovely wife... [reads] Marge. Oh, and look a little... Lisa. Why, she's growing like a weed. And this must be... [lifts his thumb covering Bart's name] Brat!
Homer: Don't correct the man, Brat!
[Dr. Monroe diagnoses the Simpsons' problem when he sees the rest of the family drawing Homer as they see him. Not paying attention to their disgust, he gets lost and draws an airplane with bombs on them.]
Dr. Monroe: [to Homer] Well, if you had been paying attention, perhaps you would have noticed that your family sees you as a rather stern authority figure, an ogre, if you will.
Marge: Now, Doctor, that's not true.
Lisa: Ogre is such a strong word.
Bart: Right on, Doc! Another successful diagnosis.
Homer: That does it!
[Homer grabs a lamp and tries to hit Bart with it.]
Dr. Monroe: Whoa!
[Dr. Monroe takes the lamp from Homer.]
Dr. Monroe: [Chuckles] Okay, you want to kill each other. That's good. That's healthy.
Homer: What?! And violate the code of the schoolyard?! I'd rather Bart die!
Marge: What on earth are you talking about, Homer?!
Homer: The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy how to be a man! Let's see: Don't tattle, always make fun of those different from you, never say anything unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do, and what else...?
Bart: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool, gory pictures. Well, good night, everybody! Peace, man.
Lisa: Remember, Dad. The handle of the Big Dipper points to the North Star.
Homer: That's nice, Lisa, but we're not in astronomy class. We're in the woods.
[Marge and Lisa groan in disgust, knowing Homer has ignored their attempts to try and help him navigate the woods.]
[Bob the RV salesman checks Homer's credit on a computer, and a siren wails when the results come back.]
Homer: Is that a good siren? Am I approved?
Bob: You ever known a siren to be good? [chuckles] No, Mr. Simpson, it's not. It's a bad siren. That's the computer in case I went blind, telling me, "Sell the vehicle to this fella, and you're outta business." That's what the siren says. It seems that the Ultimate Behemoth is a wee bit out of your price range. And wee bit is me being polite, you couldn't afford this thing even if you lived to be a million.
Homer: Don't you have something that isn't out of my price range. I don't want to go away empty handed, Bob.
Bob: Take it easy there. Don't ruin this feeling I'm getting from you. Perhaps I can show you something a little more you.
Adil: How can you defend a country where five percent of the people control 95 percent of the wealth?
Lisa: I'm defending a country where people can think, and act, and worship any way they want!
Adil: Can not.
Lisa: Can too.
Adil: Can not!
Lisa: Can too!
Homer: Please, please, kids, stop fighting. Maybe Lisa's right about America being the land of opportunity, and maybe Adil's got a point about the machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the workers.
[The words "big shoes to fill" start echoing in Bart's mind, droning out Bob's talking and he starts to catch onto something that others hadn't before. Recalling with memory, Bart remembers Homer stepped on the robber's foot, resulting in him screaming in pain. However, Bart noticed Krusty's feet were small as he walked up the steps to the courthouse. He knows that despite wearing big floppy clown shoes all the time, Krusty would never felt Homer stepping on them due to his small feet. Whereas, Sideshow Bob's feet are unbelievably large and therefore he yelled at Homer for not watching where he was going. That's when it all comes together and Bart realized that Bob had the most to gain in Krusty's downfall.]
Bart: [Outraged] Wait a minute, you did it!
Sideshow Bob: I beg your pardon?
Bart: [grabbing the microphone away from Bob and faces the camera.] Attention, fellow children! Krusty didn't rob that store! Sideshow Bob framed him and I got proof!
[He hits the end of Sideshow Bob's foot with a comedy mallet.]
Sideshow Bob: [grabbing his foot, while Bart holds the microphone on Bob] OW, MY FOOT! YOU LOUSY, STUPID, CLUMSY...!
[The kids gasp as they hear the words uttered on the security cam.]
Bart: See that? Krusty wore big floppy shoes all the time, but he's got little feet like all good-hearted people.
[Hits Sideshow Bob's other foot, causing him to fall down]
Bart: But Sideshow Bob really filled his shoes with big, ugly feet!
[Bart removes Sideshow Bob's shoe to reveal his big feet and the children turns against him for what he did to Krusty. At the police station, Eddie and Lou are watching the show and eating donuts.]
Eddie: Kid's right.
Lou: How do you suppose we missed that?
Chief Wiggum: [also eating a donut] Get off your duffs, boys! Get down to that studio!