The Simpsons/Season 26
For other uses of "The Simpsons", see The Simpsons (disambiguation).
Marge: [to Lisa] The doctor gave us this machine to help him breathe in his sleep, go to bed, I'll take care of him.
[Lisa goes back to her bedroom]
[Homer wheezes in his sleep]
Marge: Oh no, oh my god, oh, holy moly, it's not wor-no good, no good, oh, aah, what'll I do?!? Oh, breathe, Homie, breathe.
[at some kind of restaurant]
Homer: I'm not going anywhere for at least 10 years. [Hibbert coughs a bit] 5 years? [Hibbert coughs a bit again] 6 months? [Hibbert coughs a bit once again] Should worry about that guy, he's got the cough.
[at a funeral service]
Comic Book Guy: Worst funeral I have ever live tweeted.
Brian: I guess we're in a town called Springfield.
Stewie: Springfield, eh? What state?
Brian: I can't imagine we're allowed to say.
Lois: Oh, this Springfield place looks nice. We should visit here again.
Brian: I dunno, Lois. This seems like a one-shot deal.
Peter: Don't drink the water. Everyone around here looks like they have hepatitis.
Lois: Thank you so much for putting us up until we find our car.
Marge: And thank you for not being a band of hippie murderers.
Peter: [to Apu] Hello, funny-sounding Cleveland!
Homer: Apu, a dozen donuts for our albino visitors.
Peter: Mmm. Yummy. Donut.
Homer: That's pretty good, but try it like this. Mmm...donut...
Homer: I think you and I are gonna get along juuuuuuust okay.
Bart: Eat my shorts!
Stewie: "Eat my shorts." I love that! Is that a popular expression like "What the deuce"?
Brian: Probably more popular.
Moe: Moe's Tavern, Moe speakin'.
Bart: Uh, yeah, I'm lookin' for a friend, last name Ki-Bum, first name Lee.
Moe: Eh, hang on, I'll check. Uh, hey, guys, do I get a Lee Ki-Bum? C'mon, look at the stools. Uh, is there a Lee Ki-Bum?
Stewie: Hello, Moe? Your sister's bein' raped!
Bob Belcher: Yeah, we did it!
Homer: What's he doin' here?
Peter: Oh, we gotta carry him 'cause he can't fly on his own. We let that other guy try and look what happened.
Cleveland: No, no, no, no, no, NO!!!
[after Homer drinks some Pawtucket Patriot Ale]
Peter: That's pretty good, right?
Homer: It's not good. This beer tastes exactly like Duff. It's just a lousy ripoff.
Peter: Hey, whoa whoa whoa! It's not a ripoff of Duff! It may have been inspired by Duff, but I...I like to think it goes in a different direction.
Homer: No, this is just the same as Duff, but, like, worse.
Peter: Hey, come on, now, this is my favorite beer you're talkin' about. Hell, I work for the company. It's my livelihood.
Moe: [takes the beer] Oh, yeah? Well, your livelihood is based on fraud. Look at this. [Rips off the Pawtucket Patriot Ale label, revealing the Duff Beer label underneath]
Judge: I've heard all I need to hear to make a decision. [The camera switches to the judge, who is revealed to be Fred Flintstone]
Fred Flintstone: If you ask me, neither of these beers is wholly original. They're both pale imitations of my favorite beer, Bud Rock.
[Everyone else in the courtroom laughs]
Fred Flintstone: But rendering a verdict is something I'm paid to YABBA DABBA DOOOOO!!!!!
[Everyone else in the courtroom says "Meh"]
Fred Flintstone: And I find in favor of Duff!!!
Lois: Oh, no!!!!
Meg: Oh, no!!!
Peter: Oh, no!!!
[Peter and Lois look towards a nearby wall, expecting the Kool-Aid guy to crash through the wall and say "Oh, Yeah!". Suddenly, Peter's cellphone starts ringing.]
Peter: [Answers his cellphone] Hello.
[Scene shifts to the Kool-Aid guy, who has crashed through the wall of a courthouse in a different Springfield]
Kool-Aid Guy: Uh, hey. I'm... I'm in the wrong Springfield.
Homer: Hey, knock it off! There's a kid back there!
Ralph: Heh-heh, I'm in danger.
Krusty: Remeber, kids. TV violence is fine as long as you don't show a nipple.
Kodos: Perfect, the Earthlings are destroying themselves.
Peter: It appears that I am now the only one with radioactive powers, which will allow me to unleash my fury... [the radioactivity wears off] Oh, I talked too long.
[Homer attempts to choke Peter]
Peter: What the hell? That really hurts!
Homer: No it doesn't! I do it to my son all the time!
Peter: You strangle your own son? That's insane! No wonder he's fat and stupid and masturbates all the time!
Homer: That's your son!
Peter: [Homer throws multiple Emmys at Peter, who dodges them] Hey, that's no fair! I don't got none of them!
[the spaceship jumps over Springfield Gorge]
Peter: We're gonna make it!
Homer: Trust me, we're not.
Comic Book Guy: Worst chicken fight ever.
Lisa: Mom, it's trash talk. You know how guys say mean things to their friends the way women say nice things to their enemies?
Lisa: She's under a lot of stress, her husband's at sea.
Marge: Homie, the fantasy draft just ended. I got you five kickers. It is called football, right?
Homer: [runs to Milhouse with Bart watching a red band trailer] Brief nudity!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Marge: It's like they don't care if you make money, as long as they make money. What kind of corporation does that?
Grandpa: Homer, if I ever seem that senile, get a gun and...what are you doing with that gun?!
Homer: Well, family, we should be proud. We took on corporate America and broke even.
Bart: What's your soda refill policy?
Marge: All you can drink, if you buy a jumbo cup.
Homer: Careful, Marge, that's how I bankrupted a Pizza Hut.
Lisa: It's true, it would be a cold day in Hell when I was popular.
Homer: The power of Chrysler compels you!
Homer: The bed is lifting me, the elevator at work can't even do that.
Grandpa: I was sleeping in the dryer and got caught in your sheets.
Moe: These eye clamps are the only way I can tolerate today's TV.
Homer: You went to Hell and came back a winner like Jesus.
Homer: It's in Hell, the Inferno, Perdition, Arizona without the golf.
Marge: You always do the right thing...sort of.
Homer: Wait, I finally get what you're saying. Fracking is great, but the only place it should ever happen is in other people's towns.
Mr. Burns: I appreciate the counsel, Simpson, now please trap door yourself out.
Mr. Burns: I demand to see that capitalism castrating suffragette this instant.
Lisa: Professor Farnsworth, I'm dying to know how you got here. Was it a time machine?
Professor Farnsworth: Little girl, time machines are physical impossibilities. We teleported from a singularity that I quantum-entangled to Bender under the guise of fixing his collar.
Professor Frink: Yes, but how did Bender get here?
Professor Farnsworth: With a time machine.
Lisa: But you just said that—
Professor Farnsworth: Sample's ready!
Mr. Lassen: We should team up, I can get you out of here.
Sideshow Bob: A partner, intriguing, who gets to gut him like a little pot-bellied salmon?
Mr. Lassen: I assumed we'd take turns.
Sideshow Bob: No deal.
Superintendent Chalmers: According to this file from Blazing Guy's secret security, your behavior was so egregious we can do something that we've never done before - fire a teacher.
Principal Skinner: Hand in your red pen...oh, I'm not gonna pass fingernail inspection tonight.
Homer: A camping we will go.
Marge: But where I still don't know.
Homer: A place that's filled with sun and sand, a desert steamed from Disneyland, keep expectations low.
Homer: Oh, Marge, I can't stand it when you cry at dinner. The pork chops look traumatized, the mashed potatoes can't stand to watch, even the children seem upset.
Superintendent Chalmers: Seymour, your new teacher is...everybody pray!
Principal Skinner: This is a public school.
Superintendent Chalmers: I said pray!
Homer: What I feel is envy.
Lisa: Wow! He's right.
Bart: What's a game show?
Homer: Something you make sketches about.
Homer: I want his fame and fortune so much. Why must the lords of rock be so cruel?
Homer: Oh, what kind of erotic asphyxia?
Homer: Yep, it's all about the music and it would take a pretty unforeseen circumstance to make that change. Pretty unforeseen.
Homer: This is embarrassing to admit, but I haven't even thought about gels.
Homer: I don't have what it takes to play the guitar.
Lisa: Oh no, King Toots is closed. Dad, you're going to have to take me to the big Fox music store.
Mo: You call that a left testicle, Toot?
Homer: What the? This isn't Halloween.
Homer: Thank you, magical creatures of the mall! You have all taught me a Christmas message I'll never forget. The place to get drunk is at home.
Homer: You're all right stupid Flanders, you're all right.
Homer: Yeah, but doesn't the money go to schools?
Apu: You have been to our schools, what do you think?
Homer: Well, good luck assembling all those toys without me!
Patty: We already did it!
Homer: Ah! The ghost of Marge future!
Lisa: Mom, where's Dad?
Marge: I don't know.
Bart: Aw, it's Christmas Eve, man, we do not want to set a precedent for fat guys being late tonight!
Lisa: Well, I guess we've learned that of all the countless planets in the universe, we have evolved into the most inedible species. Like three bean salad at a barbecue, we will remain untouched.
Marge: Homer, you have to stop dropping your pants for everyone who claims they're a doctor.
Homer: Wow, this place is completely alien, but everything's in English, just like Canada!
Homer: Look at all these knobs and buttons. They're clearly a superior race. Maybe that means they'll be nice to us.
Lisa: You mean like Europeans were to the Native Americans or the Belgians were to The Congo?
Homer: That's right, pick the only two times in history where things got messy.
Lisa: They revamped this ride because of massive complaints from two people.
Bart: You did it, Homer, you saved me from the bullies, you're the coolest kid I've ever met.
Milhouse: What about me?
Bart: You're in the top hundred.
Bart: Now you're not.
Homer: Okay, Marge, we can go to the circus, maybe I can finally find out why a man would think a stool is a proper defense against a lion.
Homer: I don't have time for childish games. If I don't do my job, atoms go boom!
Don: It's like rooting for the Cubs, you keep thinking they'll make it, and then you realize they never ever will.
Lenny: No, mine was rubber mats in the decontamination showers, also water in the decontamination showers.
Lisa: For a man who likes electric cars, he sure burns a lot of rocket fuel.
Homer: Between your genius and my nothing, we make a great team. Come on, give me a hug!
Homer: Fine, we'll both go, and if anyone asks you something you don't understand, just say protons.
Bart: Squaky, until I met you, I never thought I could love something bald.
Homer: Marge, I believe you're forgetting America's greatest wartime wheelchair-bound leader, Professor X of the X-Men.
Marge: It's not that Professor X wouldn't get up, it's that he couldn't!
Bart: Aw, jeez, I thought writing another hit song would be easier.
Lisa: Well, it would have helped if you hadn't crumpled up all the paper before we wrote anything on it.
Homer: Marge, you're my wife of ten years and I love you, but I must observe the teachings of this man I just met tonight. Now the first thing I have to do is make amends with the bathroom scale.
Homer: I have so many questions for you. First or all, is this floor reinforced?
Bart: Thinking back, I'm kinda surprised Mom and Dad let a crazy man spend all night in my bedroom.
Homer: Simpler times.
Moleman: I didn't write it. I brought it from a salesman who was selling it to half the towns in America. I didn't think you'd find out because I never thought any of us would go anywhere.
Taxi Driver: Those smart cars are cutting into our business. We used to get uber amounts of work giving people lifts.
Mr. Burns: They say you catch more flies with honey, I say with fly traps.
Moe: The only reason you haven't been fired is because your file here has been holding up a sofa that was missing a leg.
Homer: Look, Moe. The least you can let me do is anything I want.
Moe: You guys cost me my chance with a woman of certain age!
Moe: I'm broke. Now I am going to have to live on my savings here. [Opens cash register] ALL RIGHT WHO RUBBED MY NICKELS?!!?
Princess Kemi: So, all these concubines belong to this one tyrant?
Homer: It's called The Bachelor.
Princess Kemi: I think he is a sweet, sweet man, but when I kissed him, it was not romantic, more like when Snow White kissed Dopey.
Moe: No, no, not this comparison again!
Moe: Do you mind riding a cute little scooter with your arms around my waist?
Princess Kemi: I don't.
Moe: To the scooter store!
Homer: She's gone!
Moe: And she trashed my bar! Oh no, wait, she actually cleaned up a little bit. Good for her.
Homer: Sorry, Marge, but I am the royal babysitter. If I start watching commoners, the tongues of the court will be a wag.
Reverend Lovejoy: Relax, Marge. If God lets the Jews have Sunday on a Saturday, he'll be cool with this.
Homer: But it's not on the calendar? Okay, but if I'm sleepy at work tomorrow, I get to tell everyone why.
Marge: I can't believe it, but the church is going to have to ask people for money.
Homer: Oh, God gets your papers, but he just clicks delete without reading them, like email updates from Linkedln.
Lisa: I'm not sure how many more times we can watch Dad chased down by an angry crowd before it affects us psychologically.
Dr. Schulman: As a family therapist, I can assure you that you have all the coping skills you need.
Marge: Why is Lisa talking to an empty seat?
Lisa: See you next Tuesday, Dr. Schulman! Oh, right, you're in Maui.
Homer: I will do something no one has ever done, be fun sober!
Mr. Duff: Why don't you kids run off and play in the bottle cap pit?
Marge: Don't cut yourselves!
Marge: These reality shows really leave you no privacy.
Bart: Yeah, look it up.
Milhouse: Used to express disgust or outrage? That's the worst F word there is!
Bart: Dad, are you gonna snitch on me?
Homer: Moes before bros.
Homer: Oh, you must be Flanders' new dog. I just want to apologize in advance for the things I'm gonna blame on you.
Marge: I'm not giving up on Bart, just like I didn't give up on our marriage when you quit your job to start the North American Sumo League.
Homer: The NASL would have made money if someone had washed a few sumo loin cloths for me.
Marge: I said I would do yours, but not the whole dojo.
Chief Wiggum: I've got everything I need to convict your boy, except for motive, means, and opportunity.
Lou: You also have no evidence.
Chief Wiggum: That's implied.
Homer: Isn't that sweet, six years ago they were fighting, now they're playing pool in a bar.
Moe: Father of the year, pal, father of the year.
Marge: It all began six years ago. Back then, Clevelanders had nothing bad to say about LeBron and they needed cash when they took the turnpike to Toledo.
Bart: I saved you.
Lisa: But you pushed me!
Bart: Duh, I couldn't save you until I pushed you. Girls make no sense.
Lisa: I was pretending, and it worked!
Bart: You know, kid. With your smarts and my Barts, we make a good team!
Lisa: What are Barts?
Bart: You're the smart one, you figure it out.
Maude: My bladder's going to burst.
Ned: Now I know you've had a few too many waters, but that is no reason for the sailor talk.
Marge: What are we going to do?
Homer: It's not so bad, sweety. I took a box of Altoids from her waiting room. The most anyone has ever gotten out of therapy.
Lisa: Remember when Apu let Dad have the experienced hot dog?
Homer: Just once and I'm still taking medication for it.
Milhouse: If it's the blue hair and the schnoz you're digging, I've got plenty more cousins.
Bart: Thanks, Milhouse. I think I'm gonna steer clear of Van Houtens for awhile.
Milhouse: More for me, marrying a cousin worked out great for my parents.
Homer: Dad, I apologize. I only say this at gunpoint, but it's true. I love you.
Abe: That's Mock Rickly, my old Air Force buddy.
Bart: You said you were in the Army.
Lisa: You said you were in the Navy.
Abe: That's the kind of mix up that used to happen when I was in the Marines.
Marge: Geez, kids. Guess you've had your last birthday. You're going to stay your current ages for the rest of your lives.
Ned: He's a hero all right, a hero sandwich full of bologna!
Chief Wiggum: A TV star criticizing his writers, what has this world come to? Another bully for your collection boys.
Homer: No, no, honey. I love everything your force me to do. And sometimes if you do all that, you get a very special night.
Bart: And what does that get you?
Homer: Hopefully not a you.
Lisa: Bart, some of your biggest heroes are dancers. Krusty was on Dancing with the Stars until a panel of experts determined he wasn't a star.
[the Simpsons are seated as normal when a hover vehicle driven by Rick and Morty runs the family into goo]
Rick: Oh my God, Morty! What did you do?! You killed the Simpsons, Morty!
Morty: Oh my God! No! No, ahh..-I-I-I didn't mean to! There's so much Si-Simpsons!
Rick: Oh, goo— oh God, look at the baby one! Oh my God, Morty! You killed the entire Simpsons, Morty! They're a beloved f ahhh-mily, Morty! They're-they're-they're-they're a national treasure and you killed them!
Morty: Ahh... I'm just a kid! I'm just a kid, I don't wanna go to jail!
Rick: Relax, Morty, calm down, we'll take care of it. [scoops goo into vial] Okay, I want you to take that vial of Simpsons goo [shoots portal] and this picture to this address. They'll make us new Simpsons. You understand me, Morty?
Morty: Me?! Wh-wh-what are you gonna do?!
Rick: Morty, I gotta clean this place up before somebody comes snooping around. You know many characters there are in The Simpsons, Morty? There's like a billion cha- ahracters. Th-they did an episode were George Bush was their neighbor.
Morty: Alright, can't argue with that.
External links [ edit ]