The Simpsons/Season 21
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The Simpsons (1989–present) is an American animated sitcom broadcast by the Fox Broadcasting Company created by Matt Groening. The series is a satirical depiction of American life, epitomized by the Simpson family.
- Marth: All right what's our next big summer franchise. Come on.
- OWW Films Executive #1: You want an original idea?
- Marth: Yes. Let your imaginations run free. Something that's never been a movie before, but feels like it has.
- OWW Films Executive #2: Extension Cords!
- OWW Films Executive #3: Mixed Nuts!
- OWW Films Executive #4: Car WASH
- Marth: Nah. We've already made that could possibly be a movie, into a great movie. There's nothing left.
- [Marth's son, Jono, enters through the door to Marth's left.]
- Jono: Dad, can we go? I've watched all the DVDs in the Bentley.
- Marth: Jono, what's that in your hand?
- Jono: Oh. Big surprise that you don't know what this is. It's only Everyman. The coolest comic book ever.
- [Marth takes the comic book and reads through a few pages.]
- Marth: What are his powers?
- Jono: All of them.
- Marth: That's it! Our next big summer movie will be Everyman!
- OWW Films Executive #4: Uh, Marth? Ginormous Pictures bought the rights to Everyman three weeks ago.
- [Marth throws the comic onto the table in frustration.]
- Marth: Damnit!
- Comic Book Guy: You are acceptable.
- Homer: Great, do you wanna see me naked?
- GP Executive #1: Oh there's no nudity in this movie.
- Homer: What movie?
- Director: Bring in the next helicopter.
- [camera pans to show a line of AH-64 Apache helicopters as one moves from the line from the rest which are hovering]
- The Answer commercial: My life was over. I'd lost my job, my husband left me. I had to sleep in a kangaroo's pouch. And then I found... The Answer. SECRET DON'T VISIT OUR WEBSITE The Answer was discovered by the philosophers of ancient Greece, who hid it under a rock where it was discovered by the knights of King Arthur, who placed it in a bottle and set it in the ocean, where it was found by Pat Sajak. These great men knew The Answer. The Answer is the secret to achieving your heart's desire. Learn The Answer, and change your life. Available wherever dubious, quasi-scientific self-help books are sold.
- [Bart visits Mrs. Krabappel]
- Bart: Well, Mrs. K, I have just the book, slash, DVD for you: The Answer. This book uses the ancient power of wanting.
- Mrs. Krabappel: [in front of the class] You're children. Why do you all need cell phones?
- Milhouse: Safety.
- Unknown kid 1: Emergencies.
- Unknown kid 2:Safety.
- Jimbo: Educational.
- Mr. Largo: Edna please! Even the Union can't protect you from this.
- [Mrs.Krabappel smiles at Mr. Largo who is looking nervous and evolves into a handsome man]
- Mrs. Krabappel: [To Mr. Largo] Give me one night, Dewey. I'll get you off Broadway..
- Mr. Largo: [Horrified] Never!
- Principal Skinner: [Holds Mrs, Krabappel's hand] Edna, let's go.
- Bart: [To Mrs. Krabappel] I was the one who put liquor on your coffee and got you fired. [chuckles]
- Mrs. Krabappel: [shocked] You did What?!
- Bart: Please, don't kill me!
- Lisa: This goes against every feminist bone in my body, but Dad, can't you control your woman?
- Homer: How can I control her? I have nothing to withhold.
- Marge: Call me a killjoy, but I think that because this is not to my taste, no one else should be able to enjoy it.
- [Watching Marge's fight on TV]
- Moe: Come on, come on, get back on your feet, I believe in you!
- Barney: (climbing the bar from the tavern floor) I'm doing it Moe!
- Moe: Not you.
- Barney: Oh thank god! – the pressure's off. (falls back down)
- Homer: Out of all the stupidest things I've ever done, this is the stupidest. And you're doing it!
- Homer: She found my one weakness... that I'm weak!
- Homer: Carl, do you know heavyweight champion, Drederick Tatum?
- Carl: What, you think just because I'm black I know all other black people?!
- Homer: uh...um, well, uh.
- Carl: Actually, Drederick and I are very good friends. We met through Dr. Hibbert at a party at Bleeding Gums Murphy's house.
- We now see Kent Brockman outside Burger Squared
- Kent Brockman: I'm here at Krustyburger for the launch of the highly anticipated "Burger Squared." Krusty, what can you tell us about this fantastic new sandwich?
- Krusty: I'm glad you asked, Kent. We start with Grade A beef, feed that to other cows, then kill them and serve the unholy results on a seven-grain bun. Burger Squared!
- Homer: The math checks out!
- Lisa: Cows eating cows?! That's an abomination!
- Marge: Now, Lisa, you're a vegetarian, but these cows have made a different choice.
- Kent Brockman: And now, this lucky reporter will be the first human to sample this delicious crime against nature. Mmm. Juicy, flavorful, with just a hint of... [changes into a Muncher and takes a bite out of Krusty's elbow]
- Krusty: Hey! That's my check-cashing arm, you stupid... [Krusty also becomes a Muncher. Kent kills a camera technician and then kills the camera man]
- [Twenty-eight days later, Springfield's inhabitants have all succumbed to the zombie cow virus and are eating or infecting everyone else who is not a Muncher.]
- Moe: A little tip... you might want to wash me before you eat me.
- Barney: All right!
- Carl: Yeah, you better!
- Lenny: Thank you.
- Marge: (Gasps) Bart ate a tainted burger!
- Homer: I'll bash him with this book!
- Lisa: Dad, No! That's the last book in the world!
- Homer: Really?
- Lisa: Yes! It's... Oh, go ahead.
- Homer: To the panic room!
- Marge: We don't have a panic room!
- Homer: To the panic room store!
- Rainer Wolfcastle: Come with me if you want to live- [is devoured by a mob of zombies]
- Homer: Another politician who can't keep his promises.
- Marge: What kind of civilized people eat the body and blood of their savior?! [Camera pans to Reverend Lovejoy nervously fidgeting with his Clerical collar.]
- Kodos: This is the best musical in light years!
- Kang: Light years measure distance, not time.
- Kodos: You know what I meant.
- [Singing]
- Moe: I just have to warn you, Marge...
- My taste for romance is kinda perverse!
- I can only make love in the back of a hearse
- and I have to be dressed as a Civil War nurse!
- And then when I'm finished, I'll go through your purse!
- But you could do worse!
- Marge: I could do worse!
- Barney, Carl, and Lenny: We're proof that you could do worse!
- Homer: She couldn't possibly do worse!
- Homer: Ye-bonjour!
- Carl: Homer, there's a moth in my room. Where are you?
- Homer: Where I should have been all along. In Springfield.
- Carl: What? Get back to the Eternal City of Lights at once or you're fired!
- Homer: Oh, I don't think so. You know that woman you've been playing "hide the baguette" with? She's French first lady Carla Bruni. You fire me, and I'll call Nicolas Sarkozy, and he'll be all over you like Truffaut on Hitchcock.
- Carl: You wouldn't dare!
- Homer: Oh, wouldn't I? Just listen! (dials other cell phone)
- President Nicholas Sarkozy: (on phone) Allo, you are getting cozy with Sarkozy.
- Carl: All right, Homer, you win. Give Marge my best.
- Homer: I will, but first, I'll be giving her mine.
- Homer: [about Marge and Ned having an affair] My wife and my worst friend. Could it be?
- Marge: The most intimate evening we spent this week was when I was ironing your shirts.
- Homer: Actually, those were Carl's shirts.
- Ned: I'm not thinking straight, why did I have that wine cooler last month?
- Rod: We thought you were gonna die.
- Tod: And then Uncle Kevin would have to raise us.
- Rod: And his funny friend, David.
- Ned: Oh I'd put rocks in your pocket and walk you out to sea for before I'd let that happen.
- Rod and Tod: Yay!
- Marge: You two are going out? I thought I told you the Flanders were coming over for dinner.
- Lisa: I'm having a tea party at Janey's.
- Bart: And I'm having a stink bomb party at the house next to Janey's... no connection.
- Bart: Stop dragging me! When I get older I'm gonna drag you around and buy you clothes.
- Marge: Oh, that's wonderful!
- Lenny: I'm gonna miss Ted, he was a good supervisor.
- Carl: Definitely hands off. He didn't mind if we punched in late, or not at all.
- Homer: And he didn't mind that we made a few changes to the soda machine... mmm... beer.
- Homer: Marge, what are you doing?
- Marge: This junk food has got to go. It's full of chemicals, trans fats, and hard pore corn.
- Homer: Oh, for cryin' out...! I hate traffic - the band and the phenomenon!
- [On the kid's 'Bonk It' toy]
- Homer: Hey kids, it's daddy's turn. Stomp it! Crush it! Kill it!
- Homer: Ohhh, why do my actions have consequences?!
- Brandy: Drink up,sweetie. Let the possum work its magic.
- Lisa: Possum?!
- Brandy: Oh, don't worry. We don't kill it. We just dip it.
- Moe: Oh, it's no good, you're just a load of spineless weasels!
- (the townspeople turn round and come to a halt)
- Comic Book Guy: Kill the weasel hater!
- (everyone runs after Moe)
- Moe: (laughing as he runs) See, that's what I'm talking about!
- Cletus: Brandy?! Where's the bazook?![Looks at his son, holding the bazooka.] Aw, he's gonna shoot them Google Earth folks that caught me with my britches down.
- Cletus: Oh for God's-! You know, one hillbilly has his way with one fat guy in Deliverance, and suddenly people think that's all hillbillies do!
- [Homer is extolling the virtues of girls over boys.]
- Homer: Girls are easy! Girls love daddy, girls give birthday cards with glitter and sprinkles, and I don't have to tell them how their bodies work 'cause I don't know!
- Bart: You never told me how my body works.
- Homer: Point and shoot.
- Bart: Are you sure this will work?
- Milhouse: Hey, this is the DVD my parents used to make me.
- Bart: So it kind of works.
- Grampa: You're in the newspaper business? [chuckles] Something that's gonna die before I do!
- Grampa: It was back in World War II. I was a Seaman First Class on the USS World War I. We were minding our own business, when we were attacked by a heat-seeking torpedo we had fired the day before.
- Grampa: Yep, I may just be the best known Abraham in history.
- Marshall: So many hat boxes!
- [Bart lets Santa's Little Helper chew Larry the stuffed toy lamb]
- Bart: That's it, boy! Go for the 'nards!
- Lisa: Bart! [snatches Larry away] If you're not gonna take care of him right, then give him to me.
- Bart: How come you don't get mad when I torment real animals?
- Lisa: I do! It enrages me!
- Bart: I thought you Hindus were supposed to love everybody.
- Lisa: I'M A FREAKIN' BUDDHIST! A BUDDHIST!
- [during the versions of reruns and DVDs]
- Homer: The year is 1946, and in a war torn world, a single flower blooms and that flower is an angry Japanese monster named Godzilla. Fortunately, there was one man that could help, Colonel Tom Parker. The colonel took this monster, cleaned him up and put him on stage under the name the Rolling Stones. The first concert was a sell out with many, many, many people eaten. But those that survived raved about the undeniable harmonies and brutally honest lyrics of what they had just seen. And out of the wreckage of that concert crawled the woman that would later give birth to me, not once but four times, cause in those days if they didn't like the way you looked they would send you back in to bake a little longer. After four times they just decided to cut off my tail, but you can still see it in the British museum, which interestingly enough, is in France. Not the France you're thinking of, but a much better one, built with palm trees and leprechauns, but I digress. In fact, I used to be a professional digressor, but I don't wanna get off the track, so I'll tell you about the time I was a professional digressor. The year was 2021, and I had just returned from a brief vacation where I had eaten more than my fill of tacos. Not the tacos you're thinking of. Did I ever tell you about the time I started Gracie Films? [the Gracie Films logo shows up] Hey, shush yourself!
- Milhouse: First girls ruin Sex in the City, and now this!
- Mr. Burns: We have to cut costs.
- Lenny: But we have way more expensive unnecessaries than doughnuts.
- Carl: Yeah, like the ceiling furniture.
- Lenny: And all the joke ID badges we ordered.
- Mr. Burns: No doughnuts!
- Lenny: No!
- Homer: D'oh!
- Carl: Nuts!
- Mr. Burns: Exactly!
- Bart: Poor Krusty. He's become the lowest form of life: a sidekick.
- Milhouse: You said it, Bart! Way to sum up the situation!
- Bart: Take it easy, little buddy.
- Milhouse: That's exactly how I'll take it!
- Reverend Lovejoy: And now Valerie and Dave will deliver their own vows, because my vows, apparently, weren't good enough. Show me how it's done, Dave.
- Homer: Ooh, you're hot when you're horny.
- Marge: I'm not horny. I'm mad.
- Homer: Ooh, you're mad when you're angry.
- Lisa: The Simpson family is a long line of horse thieves, deadbeats, horse beats, dead thieves, and even a few alcoholics.
- Eliza: Follow me north to freedom.
- Virgil: I don't think so.
- Eliza: Why? Because I'm young and I'm a woman?
- Virgil: No. Because you're pointing south.
- Homer: What the--?! You're a month behind on homework?!
- Bart: I tried really hard to stop you from finding out. Does that help?
- Homer: A LITTLE!
- Bart: [watching a Pokémon-like show on TV] Wow, how does this show stay so fresh?
- Homer: [angrily enters Bart's room] Hey! You're supposed to be doing your homework! No more TV for you! [tries to take the TV of Bart's desk but fails miserably, so he grabs a pen and scribbles on the screen] Until your homework is done, the only place your butt is safe from my foot is in that chair. [leaves]
- Bart: Oh.
- Marge: [sneaking in] It's okay, Bart. Just do a couple vocabulary words, then come have some milk and cookies.
- Bart: But Dad said I had to finish my--
- Marge: Never mind what he said. You just listen to me. [leaves]
- Lisa: You would mess up Mom and Dad's marriage just to get out of doing some homework?
- Bart: Hey, hey! I would end all life on this planet just to get out of doing fractions!
- Lisa: Fractions aren't that hard. You just have to find a common denominator. For example, one half plus one third equals three--
- Bart: END! ALL! LIFE! ON! THIS! PLANET! [makes explosion noise and leaves]
- Lisa: You'll need to know fractions to make that explosion!
- Bart: [from offscreen] I don't care!
- [Lisa rolls her eyes]
- Lisa: You are now officially a sociopath.
- Bart: Hey, at least I'm on a path.
- Homer: And when you're out of my sight, you must constantly Twitter me exactly what you're up to! Even though I don't know what Twitter is and have no desire to find out!
- Ralph: I cheated the wrong way! I wrote the Lisa name and gave the Ralph answers!
- Bart: But I need to talk about man stuff!
- Homer: Talk to Grampa, he used to be a man!
- Bart: He did?
- Bart: It's not my fault, Grampa told me to kiss her!
- Marge: [scoffs] Why didn't you just tell him to club her on her head and drag her into a cave?
- Grampa: You mean second base? Whoa, he's a little young for that.
- Bart: Well, if I talk to Nikki, I'm sure I can--
- Homer: No! If you go near her one more time, we'll be sued into the poorhouse and have to eat garbage forever!
- Bart: That's no problem, Mom can make garbage taste great.
- Marge: [genuinely touched, hugging him] Thank you!
- Bart: Well, I mean it.
- Marge: And it means the world to me.
- Bart: What the hell are you doing?!
- Nikki: I'm kissing you, stupid.
- Bart: You're the biggest psycho I ever met!
- Nikki: You wanna stop?
- Bart: Absolutely not!
- Kevin: Nelson, now that the bans have been lifted, let me touch your face. That way, I can see you with my fingers. [touches Nelson's face] Eww! I said your face, not your butt!
- Nelson: Aw, you feel comfortable enough to mock me. [punches him] That's for mocking me!
- Kevin: Nelson... your punch restored my vision! I can see again!
- Nelson: Really?! Kevin, that's wonderf--
- Kevin: Haw haw!
- Nelson: The student has become the master!
- Lisa: [about Flanders] I think he's trying to get Dad into Heaven.
- Bart: Great, more Hell for me!
- Krusty: I am trying to save myself from going to Hell.
- Lisa: Jews don't believe in Hell.
- Krusty: No Hell! Thank you, kid, you made my day. (heads over to the Gaza Strip Club)
- Homer: I am the Messiah, come to save the world! Look upon me and shudder!
- Bart: I already do that.
- [In Homer's vision, he sees the characters from VeggieTales. Homer starts to cry.]
- Larry the Cucumber: You have been chosen, Homer.
- Homer: Chosen to be what, oh mighty Gerkin!?
- Burns: Grab your scripts, people. We open in twenty minutes. Break a leg! (to a passing man) I said break a leg! (the man takes a hammer and hits the knee of his right leg, which cracks) For God's sake, man, it's a figure of speech! You're fired. (the man hobbles offscreen)
- Bart: I am so glad I'm not your kid.
- Lisa: Well I'm so glad I'm not your mom.
- Bart: You should be. If I was in your tummy, I'd poo in your throat.
- Lisa: Eww, eww, eww! I'll never get that image out of my head!
- Burns: Yeah, the war's over and the future won. The past never had a chance man.
- Bart: [to several boys at Dylan's party] Hey, dinks. Whatcha dweebin'?
- Boy 1: [scoffs] You don't know Battle Balls?
- Boy 2: It's a Japanense card game based on a cartoon, based on an ancient religion, based on a candy bar.
- Boy 3: It makes Digimon look like Pokémon.
- Bart: What?! Impossible!
- Bart: [To Ralph] How'd a pull-up like you get a great card like that?
- Ralph: My not-dead grandma sent it from Tokyo.
- Bart: Ralph, I'll play you for that card.
- Ralph: Okay, but if I win, you have to teach me how to play this game.
- Bart: Deal!
- Homer: Look at this electric bill! I'm not made of money! I'm made of man-meat and a skeleton!
- Bart: Check it out! World's biggest armpit fart!
- [He squishes "Bluella" the whale's fin, making a flatulent noise. The annoyed whale flicks him away through the air]
- Bart: YOU JUST MADE A POWERFUL ENEMY!
- Homer: Lisa, bring the car around.
- Lisa: But I don't know how to drive.
- Homer: Haven't you learned anything from watching Bart drive?
- Lisa: A little...
- Lisa: Those baby whales are doomed, just like their mom! Oh, I guess it's just nature's way...
- Homer: [pulling up in a motorboat] Nature is a toothless, dying hag! We're gonna save those whale babies!
- Homer: [aiming at the sharks with a harpoon] Shark Week just got cancelled.
- Sea Hugger 1: Drop the 'poon!
- Homer: Oh, come on, leave me alone! I'm trying to save your precious whales!
- Sea Hugger 1: We're not here to protect the whales, we're here to protect the sharks.
- Sea Hugger 2: Did you know that over 40 million sharks are slaughtered every year to make shark fin soup?
- Homer: What the--?! You like sharks?!
- Sea Hugger 1: Being a true eco-activist means supporting every animal's struggle for life.
- Sea Hugger 2: Except for cockroaches. Yuck!
- Sea Hugger 1: Linda, please.
- Homer: Pfft! Typical eco-jerks, using words to talk! [speeds past them]
- Lisa: Thanks for not letting me give up, Dad.
- Homer: Hey, I'd do anything for a sweet, intelligent mammal. By which I mean you. [hugs her]
- Queen Elizabeth II: I miss that Ralph Wiggum. Reminds me of my boy.
- Prince Charles: Mummy, my cat's breath smells like cat food.
- Homer: Well, if you ask me, you were trying to play God.
- Ned: (gasps) That's the worst sin of all, for some reason.
- Marge: That's not Sesame Street, that's a gay bar.
- Ned: I guess I did create this, just as God created the Devil.
- Homer: God create the devil? Finally, He did something cool.
- Megan: What if someone's driving an old, but functioning, car? Wouldn't the carbon required to create a new hybrid exceed the savings in gas?
- Lisa: Initially yes, but...
- Megan: And isn't most electricity in the United States ultimately derived from the burning of coal?
- Lisa: Currently. However, solar and wind are...
- Marge: (grunts) Aaaaaaaaaaah, Nooooooooooooo.
- Moe: (in letter) "There is no easy way to say goodbye forever, so I'll say it in the hardest way I can... Mandarin Chinese."
- Homer: All right, buddy, I'm gonna do to you what you should've done to my son a long time ago!
- Bart: Y'know, the great ones can kill without explaining.
- Sideshow Bob: I can stand in one state, fire a gun in the second state, the bullet will travel through the third, hitting you in the fourth, so you'll fall down dead in the fifth! No single act is against any law, but their sum total is the greatest murder since Snape killed Dumbledore!
- Bart Simpson: Oh, I haven't gotten to that part yet!
- Sideshow Bob: It's a four-year-old book.
- Bart Simpson: I'm a slow reader.
- Sideshow Bob: A fitting epitaph (Pause) It means last words!
- Bart: Are you here to teach me, or kill me?
- Lisa: Mr. Flanders, how did you make these amazing fish?
- Ned Flanders: Actually, God made some fish that were pretty close to these so naturally we selected those for further breeding.
- Lisa: So that natural selection was the origin of this species?
- Flanders: Yep, that's exactly--[laughs] You almost got me.
- [Fish grows legs, crawls out of water, and starts breathing air]
- Flanders: Not on my watch [pushes it back into water]
- Simon Cowell: How do you like LA?
- Moe: It's a hell of a city. It's like someone stepped on New York and scraped it off on the beach.
- Homer: You never fail to nauseate me boy.
- Bart: Just call me Barf Simpson.
- Homer: I wanted to, but your mother said kids might tease you.
- Ralph: He's a [says a series of words that get bleeped out]