Moe: Hold on, I'll check. Uh, is I. P. Freely here? Hey, everybody! I. P. Freely! [the customers laugh] Wait a minute... Listen to me, you lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half!
Homer: You'll get that punk someday, Moe.
Moe: I don't know. He's tough to catch. He keeps changing his name.
Moe: Uh, hold on. [to bar patrons] Uh, Jacques Strap? Hey guys, I'm looking for a Jacques Strap. [bar patrons laugh] What? [to phone] Oh, wait a minute, Jacques Stra— It's you, isn't it, you cowardly little runt? When I get a hold of you, I will gut you like a fish and drink your blood, you cowardly little runt! [hangs up as Bart laughs in front of Lisa trying to cheer her up]
"One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish" [7F11]
Moe: Hello, Moe's Tavern. Birthplace of the Rob Roy.
Bart: Is Seymour there? Last name Butz.
Moe: Just a sec. Hey, is there a Butz here? Seymour Butz? Hey, everybody! I want a Seymour Butz! [the entire bar laughs; realizes] Wait a minute... Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna pull out your eyeballs with a corkscrew!
Bart: Uh, yeah, hello. Is Mike there? Last name, Rotch.
Moe: Hold on, I'll check. [calls] Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?! [snickers from the patrons] [to phone] Listen to me, you little puke. One of these days, I'm going to catch you, and I'm going to carve my name on your back with an ice pick!
[Moe is teaching Bart's class during the teachers' strike]
Moe: OK, when I call your name, uh, you say "present" or "here". Er, no, say "present". Ahem, Anita Bath? [The kids laugh at him] All right, settle down. Anita Bath here? [the laughing continues] All right, fine, fine. Maya Buttreeks! [even more laughter] Hey, what are you laughing at?! What?! Oh, oh, I get it, I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it, kids? Isn't it? Well, children, I can't help that!
[Moe runs out crying. Bart then crosses Moe's name off a list of substitute teachers.]
Burns: I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers, first name Waylon.
Moe: [believes this to be another prank call] Oh... So you're looking for a Mr. Smithers, eh?... First name Waylon, is it?! Listen to me, you! When I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes, and shove 'em down your pants, so you can watch me kick the crap outta you, okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!
[This prank is over a telegraph because the Simpsons are forced to live like it is 1895. For some reason Moe has a telegraph in his tavern]
Moe: Telegram for Heywood U. Kuddulmee! Heywood U. Kuddulmee? Big guy in the back, "Heywood U. Kuddulmee?" [Big guy stares at Moe angrily. Lenny and Carl laugh] Oh, do, that little, ooh...[to telegraph] I'm gonna drive a golden spike where your Union meets your Central Pacific, stop!
Bart: Aloha to you, I'm looking for Maya, last name Normusbutt.
Hawaiian Bartender: Hang on, I'll check. Has anyone here seen Maya Normusbutt?
[bar denizens laugh and the bartender there is upset. The scene switches from Hawaii as Bart calls a bar in Australia. The bar's name, Crocodile Drunkees]
Australian Bartender: I've got a Drew P. Wiener here. Anyone expecting a Drew P. Wiener? I hold in my hand a Drew P. Wiener!
Bar denizen: Better put it down then, mate!
[He and the other patrons laugh. The scene switches from Australia as Bart calls a bar in Sweden. The bar's name, Inga Bar Beermans]
Swedish Bartender: I shall enquire. Is there a Mr. Myfriendsaregay, first name Olaf? Attention everyone, "Olaf Myfriendsaregay!" [bar denizens laugh] Wait a minute, if I ever get a hold of you, I will thank you for showing me the futility of human endeavor.
[Moe is on the witness stand of Bart's school trial over one of his prank calls]
Skinner: Mr. Szyslak, what name did the defendant ask for when he called you at your bar?
Moe: He asked for um... Mike Rotch.
Skinner: And then what did you say?
Moe: Well, I said um.. I said "Mike Rotch, Mike Rotch." And then I... [starts crying] I'm sorry.
Skinner: Take all the time you need.
Moe: I uh... I uh... I yelled out "Has anybody seen Mike Rotch? [everyone gasps] You see, they... they thought I was asking if anybody wanted to see Mi-- Oh man, this is so painful. Mike Rotch! " [continues crying as everyone gasps and look at Bart angrily]
Skinner: Thank you for your bravery today.
Moe: I just had to make sure that he never did this to another bartender.