The Simpsons/Season 8

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25 Episodes [10/27/1996-5/18/1997]

Treehouse of Horror 7[edit]

The Thing and I[edit]

Doctor Hibbert: Yes, I remember Bart's birth well. You don't forget a thing like... [dramatic] Siamese twins!
Lisa: I believe they prefer to be called "conjoined twins".
Doctor Hibbert: And Hillbillies prefer to be called "sons of the soil", but it ain't gonna happen!

[Flashback is being shown in which Marge has given birth to Siamese twins. One of them starts gnawing on the other's arm.]
Marge: I think I'll bottle-feed that one.
Doctor Hibbert: [voiceover from the present] A routine soul smear confirmed the presence of pure evil, it was then I knew the option was to separate you 2... immediately. [from the past] You both need to sign these. [voiceover from the present] But what to do with poor Hugo? Too crazy for Boy's Town; too much of a boy for Crazy Town. The child was an outcast. [Back in the present.] So we did the only humane thing.
Homer: We chained Hugo up in the attic like an animal and fed him a bucket of fish heads once a week.
Marge: It saved our marriage.

Citizen Kang[edit]

Kodos: [Disguised as Bill Clinton] I am Clin-Ton. As overlord, all will kneel trembling before me and obey my brutal commands. End communication.
Homer: Space aliens! Don't eat me! I have a wife and kids! Eat them!

George Stephanopoulos: [to Kodos, who has taken on the form of Bill Clinton] Uh, Mr. President, sir, people are becoming a bit... confused by the way your and your opponent are, well, constantly holding hands.
Kang: [Disguised as Bob Dole] We are merely exchanging long protein strings. If you can think of a simpler way, I'd like to hear it.

Kodos: My fellow Americans. As a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball. But tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward, upward not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom. [crowd cheers]

[After Kang and Kodos have been exposed]
Kodos: Yes, it's true; we are aliens. But what are you going to do about it?! It's a two-party system; you have to vote for one of us!
[The crowd mutters in consternation as they realize he's right]
Voter: Well I believe I'll vote for a third-party candidate!
Kang: Go ahead, throw your vote away!

[After Kang has been elected President and the aliens of Rigel 7 have enslaved Earth.]
Marge: I don't understand why we have to build a ray gun to aim at a planet I never even heard of.
Homer: Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos. [alien whips him] D'oh!

You Only Move Twice[edit]

Smithers: What's wrong with this country. Can't a man walk down the street without being offered a job?

[After the family has watched the video on Cyprus Creek]
Marge: It does seem nicer than Springfield.
Lisa: Yeah... did you notice how the people weren't shoving or knocking each other down? I've never been to a place like that before...
[Bart shoves her aside]
Bart: Me neither.

Apu: I am not interested in buying the house, but I would like to use your restroom, flip through your magazines, rearrange your carefully shelved items and handle your food products in an unsanitary manner. HA! Now you know how it feels!
Homer: Thank you, come again!

Scorpio: Hey, look at my feet. You like those moccasins? Look in your closet; there's a pair for you. Don't like them? Then neither do I!
[throws them out the door.]
Scorpio: Get the hell outta here! Ever see a guy say goodbye to a shoe?
Homer: [chuckles] Yes, once.

Scorpio: Good afternoon, gentlemen. This is Scorpio. I have the doomsday device. You have 72 hours to deliver the gold or you face the consequences. And to prove I'm not bluffing, watch this. [presses a button, causing a bridge to blow up in the background of the screen the gentlemen are visible in]
UN Man 1: [all the men look at the explosion] Oh my God, the 59th Street Bridge.
UN Man 2: Maybe it just collapsed on its own.
UN Man 1: We can't take that chance.
UN Man 2: You always say that. I want to take a chance.
Scorpio: [scoffs] "Collapsed on its own", you sch...You have seventy-two hours. See ya.

[Homer has just walked in on Scorpio, who is tuning a giant death ray.]
Scorpio: By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country, Italy or France?
Homer: France.
Scorpio: [laughs] Nobody ever says Italy.

[Unseen by Homer, Scorpio has a James Bond-esque secret agent chained to a table under a laser, a la Goldfinger.]
Scorpio: Ingenious, isn't it Mr. Bont?
Mr. Bont: [in an accent reminiscent of Connery] Scorpio, you're totally mad!
Scorpio: Ha, I wouldn't point fingers, you jerk!
Mr. Bont: So do you expect me to talk?
Scorpio: I don't expect anything from you except to die and be a cheap funeral.

Scorpio: If you wanna kill someone on the way out. It would help me out a lot.

The Homer They Fall[edit]

[Moe is leading Homer into the women's room of Moe's Tavern]
Homer: Wow, I've never been in here before.
Moe: Yeah, when I realized that there haven't been any ladies in here since 1979, I turned it into an office.

Marge: Homer, before you start boxing, I demand that you see a doctor.
Homer: Okay honey.
[Leaves the room]
Marge: A competent doctor.
Homer: [offscreen] D'oh!

Barney: Man, you'd never get me into a ring. Boxing causes brain damage. [drinks varnish]

Lucius Sweet: I need a body that can sustain verticality for 3 rounds.

Marge: Homer, why are they saying you're going to fight Drederick Tatum?
Homer: [gulps] Uh, well, uh, I was gonna surprise you, but... happy anniversary, baby!

[On television, a monstrously strong Drederick Tatum exits a jail cell threateningly]
TV Announcer: Society put away Drederick Tatum for his brutal crime. But he's paid his debt, and now, he's going to get revenge... on Homer Simpson.
[A shot of Homer, staring blankly, and getting powerfully punched in the face by Tatum's boxing glove; Homer's head explodes and morphs into the words: "Tatum vs. Simpson: PAYBACK"]
Grampa and Bart: Yay!
Bart: Woo hoo!
Grampa: [to Maggie] That's your daddy.

Kent Brockman: [after being booed and having garbage thrown at him by the crowd at the fight] This just in: go to hell!

Marge: Somebody stop the fight! Where's the doctor?!
Dr. Nick Riviera: Kill him! Kill him!

[Moe has stopped the boxing match after Homer is nearly killed]
Lucius Sweet: You couldn't even give me one lousy round, Moe! You will always be a loser! Now take your check for $100,000 and get out of my sight!
[give Moe a check and walks away]
Moe: I don't need your stinkin' money.
[Folds the check and puts it in his pocket]

Burns, Baby Burns[edit]

Larry: Hey, Casey Jones, where this train headed?
Conductor: Springfield.
Larry: Yeah, Yeah. What state?
Conductor: This train going to--

[Train whistle blows]

Larry: What I'm trying to say is--
Mr. Burns: You're what, selling light bulbs? Worried about the whales? Keen on Jesus? Out with it!
Larry: Well Mr. Burns, I'm your son! [Mr. Burns is shocked, Larry looks at his foot] Oh, and I stepped on one of your peacocks. You got a paper towel?

Mr. Burns: I should've known you were the only one stupid enough to kidnap you! Now get down here so I can spank you in front of this gawking rabble. Smithers, take off my belt.
Smithers: With pleasure, sir.

Larry: Wow this is some party. If it gets any livelier a funeral's gonna break out.

Larry: Me and Pops, we started out great. But now it's falling apart like a Chinese motorcycle!

Larry: Oh, we've got to find a place to hide.
Homer: The abandoned warehouse! [they enter the warehouse. Inside, people are busily working] D'oh! Stupid economic recovery.

Larry: Wow! This place is emptier than a Scottish pay toilet.

[Larry Burns is sitting at the buffet, like it's his own dinner table]

Larry: Pull up a seat Pops, you too Chuckles. The food ain't great, but the portions are terrific.

[The insulted chef glowers at him]

Larry: Hey I'm kiddin'. Give my regards to Mrs. Boyardee.

Larry: Hey, I got a wife an' kids. Oh, that reminds me. I told 'em I was going out for coffee. [Quickly looks at his watch] That was a week ago. They're probably wondering where I am.

Bart After Dark[edit]

Belle: Are you wearing a grocery bag?
Homer: [dignified fashion] I have misplaced my pants.

[The citizens of Springfield are watching slides that show Maison Derriere's clients]
Slide of Dr. Hibbert
Mrs. Hibbert: Julius!
Slide of Chief Wiggum
Mrs. Wiggum: Clancy!
Slide of Skinner
Chalmers: Skinner?
Agnes: Seymour!
Seymour: Mother...
Slide of Patty
Selma: (off-screen) Patty?
Slide of Cletus
Brandine: Cletus!
Slide of Barney, to which nobody reacts
Moe: ... Oh, uh... Barney.
Slide of Chief Wiggum
Mrs. Wiggum: Clancy!
Chief Wiggum: Hey, come on, you did me twice.
Slide of Smithers
Mr. Burns: Smithers?
Smithers: My... my parents insisted I give it a try, sir.
Slide of Quimby, wearing a "Mayor" sash
Luanne Van Houten: Mayor Quimby!
Quimby: Uh, well, that could be any mayor.

[Homer storms into the Maison Derriere's main hall to give Belle a piece of his mind]

Homer: Hey Bart is my son and I don't want him working [a strip tease show begins in the background] so... late.
Belle: Oh I agree, kids need rules and boundaries.
Homer: [mesmerized by the show] Yes, everyone loves rules.
Belle: It's so hard to be a parent today. Why with all the gangs, and the drugs.
Homer: Oh yea drugs, drugs, ya gotta have drugs. [walks in to watch the show]
Bart: Hey, he didn't pay the cover.
Belle: Oh Bart, he's your father... We'll comp him tonight and start a tab tomorrow.

Homer: You could close down Moe's or the Kwik-E-Mart
And nobody would care
But the heart and soul of Springfield's inn
Our Maison Derrière...

Belle: We're the sauce on your steak
We're the cheese in your cake
We put the spring in Springfield
Showgirl 1: We're the lace on the nightgown
Showgirl 2: The point after touchdown
Belle/Showgirls: Yes, we put the spring in Springfield
Belle: We're that little extra spice that makes existence extra-nice
A giddy little thrill at a reasonable price
Lovejoy: Our only major quarrel's with your total lack of morals
Showgirl 3: Our skimpy costumes ain't so bad
Showgirls 3/4: They seem to entertain your dad!

Belle/Showgirls: The gin in your martini
The clams on your linguine
Yes, we put the (BOING!!) in Springfield
Wiggum/Krusty/Skinner: We remember our first visit
Quimby: The service was exquisite
Ms. Quimby: Why Joseph, I had no idea!
Quimby: Come on now, you were working here
Abe/Jasper: Without it we'd have had no fun since March of 1961!
Bart: To shut it down now would be twisted
Jimbo/Dolph/Kearney: We just heard this place existeeeeed!

Showgirls: We're the highlights in your hairdo
Apu: The extra arms on Vishnu
Showgirls: So don't take the (BWONG!!)
Men: We won't take the (VUUEH!!)
Everyone: Yes, let's be the (DON!!)
In Springfieeeeeld!

A Milhouse Divided[edit]

Marge: I'm going into the dining room to have a conversation. If you want to join me, fine. (goes into the dining room and imitates a second voice) Hello Marge, how's the family? (in regular voice) I don't want to talk about it! Mind your own business!
Homer: Keep it down in there everybody!

Marge: Homer, is this how you pictured married life?
Homer: Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.

Nelson: Hey, Van Houten, I heard your folks broke up.
Milhouse: Aren't you gonna say, "Ha-ha"?
Nelson: Oh, by no means. [sits down]: My dad left my mom after she got hooked on cough drops. By the end [voice breaks], her breath was so fresh...she wasn't really my mother anymore.
Milhouse: Oh, so I guess I'm not alone.
Kearney: Ah, you'll do fine. My divorce was tough on my kid [slides over and reveals a child who bears a strong resemblance to Kearney], but he got over it.
Kearney's Son: I sleep in a drawer.

Kirk: Singles life is great, Homer. I can do whatever I want. Today I drank a beer in the bathroom.
Homer: The one down the hall.
Kirk: Yeah! And another great thing, you get your own bed. I sleep in a racing car, do you?
Homer: I sleep in a big bed with my wife.
Kirk: Oh. Yeah.

Kirk: You're letting me go?
Cracker Co. Foreman: Kirk, crackers are a family food - happy families. Maybe single people eat crackers, we don't know. Frankly, we don't want to know. It's a market we can do without.
Kirk: So that's it, after twenty years, "So long, good luck?"
Cracker Co. Foreman: I don't recall saying, "Good luck."

Lisa's Date with Density[edit]

Mr. Dewey Largo: Miss Simpson, do you find something funny about the word "tromboner"?
Lisa: No, sir. I was laughing at something outside.
Sherri: She was looking at Nelson!
Class: Lisa likes Nelson!
Milhouse: She does not!
Class: Milhouse likes Lisa!
Janey: He does not!
Class: Janey likes Milhouse!
Uter: She does not!
Class: Uter likes Milhouse.
Mr. Dewey Largo: Nobody likes Milhouse! Lisa, you've got detention!
Willie: and that's how Willie waters. Now you take the hoose.
Nelson: The moose?
Willie: The hoose! The hoose!
Nelson: Is this right? (intentionally sprays water at Willie)
Willie: ACK! Turn off the noozle!!
Nelson: The noodles?! What noodles?!
Willie: The noozle at the end of the hoose!ACK!
Nelson: (holds a hornet's nest on a rake) Hey Willie. Catch the football!(throws hornet's nest at Willie)
Willie: All right I'll (screams as he gets stung by hornets)

(Milhouse passes Lisa's note to Nelson in class)

Nelson: (reads the note) "Guess who likes you?" (frowns, then looks back and finds Milhouse wiggling his eyebrows at him)
(cut to everyone standing outside as a beat-up, unconscious Milhouse is wheeled out of school and into an ambulance)
Lisa: (as Milhouse is being loaded into the ambulance) Milhouse, I'm so sorry!
Paramedic: He can't hear you now. We had to pack his ears with gauze.

Marge: Well most women will tell you that you're a fool to think you can change a man, but those women are quitters.
Lisa: What?
Marge: When I first met your father, he was loud, crude, and piggish. But I worked hard on him, and now he's a whole new person.
Lisa: Mom...?
Marge: He's a whole new person, Lisa.
Marge: An automatic dialer? Is that legal? I don't want you getting arrested,Homer.
Homer: I won't.
Marge: Or swindling our neighbors.

(Lisa and Nelson have their first kiss)

Lisa: (in her mind) My first kiss! I always wondered what it would be like!
Nelson: (in his mind) This oughta shut her up! (pause) Hey, this ain't so bad...

[Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearny walk in on Lisa and Nelson kissing.]
Dolph: Oh, man! You kissed a girl!
Jimbo: That is so gay!

(Homer finds his autodialer shot up)

Homer: Hey, who shot my autodialer? (realizes that the police are right behind him and sheepishly slides the busted autodialer away) I mean, "Marge's autodialer."
Chief Wiggum: (hands Homer a citation) See ya in court, Simpson. (goes to leave, then backs up) Oh, and bring that evidence with you. Otherwise, I got no case and you go scot-free.

(After catching Skinner and Chalmers near his car)

Kearney: Hey! Get away from my car!

(Skinner and Chalmers make a run for it.)

(Nelson is talking to Lisa after the events at Principal Skinner's house)

Nelson: And I wasn't even there. Honest! Skinner's just out to get me.
Lisa: That's so unfair.
(a police car pulls in at the Simpson house)
Nelson: Uh-oh!
Lisa: Meet me at the back door.

(last lines during end credits)

Homer: (through answering machine) This is Homer Simpson. The court has ordered me to call every person in town to apologize for my telemarketing scam. I'm sorry. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, send one dollar to Sorry Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. You have the power.
Apu: Good morning sir, one doughnut with sprinkles-(gasps). Wait a minute these aren't sprinkles sir!
Homer: What do you mean?
Apu: You have clearly taken items from the candy rack and placed them on top of the doughnut in an attempt to pass them off as sprinkles.
Homer: Well. It was like it when I got here. It really was!
Apu: A mounds bar is not a sprinkle. A twizzler is not a sprinkle. A jolly rancher is not a sprinkle. Perhaps in Shangri-la they are but here they are not!
Homer: Oh...(walks out)
Apu: Thank you, come again.

Hurricane Neddy[edit]

[Springfield Retirement Castle is being evacuated. The scene cuts to one of the male workers trying to get Abe Simpson out and is trying to pull him out by his left arm].
Evacuator: Sir, for your own safety, we do advise you to evacuate.
Grampa: I ain't leaving! [Simultaneously pulls his arm out] I was born in this nursing home and I'll die in this nursing home.
Evacuator: Is there any chance of you changing your mind?
Grampa: Sure, let's go. [Simultaneously stands up and smiles then the two men walk out]

[Ned talks to God after his house is destroyed.]
Ned: Why me, Lord? I've always been good. I don't drink or dance or swear. I've even kept kosher just to be on the safe side. I feel like I'm coming apart here! I've done everything the Bible says, even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! What more can I do? I...I..I feel like I wanna yell out, but I just can't dang-darn-diddly-darn-dang-ding-dong-diddly-darned do it! I just...I... [sigh]

[Ned has just toured his poorly built new house]
Homer: So, Flanders, what do you think of the house that love built? [he taps the door, and the first level of the house immediately collapses, and after a few seconds, so does the second level, leaving the house a pile of rubble once more] Aw, shoot. [Ned sighs and cleans his glasses. A lens snaps off, and Ned sighs again, and puts them on.]
Ned: Now calm down, Nedilly-diddly-diddly-diddly-doodly. They did their best, shodilly-iddly-iddly-diddly. Gotta be nice, hostility-ility-biddly-diddly... Aw, HELL-DIDDLY-DING-DONG-CRAP! CAN'T YOU MORONS DO ANYTHING RIGHT?! [everyone gasps]
Krusty: Hey!
Marge: Ned, we meant well. And everyone here tried their bes-
Ned: Well, my family and I can't live in good intentions, Marge! Oh, your family's out of control, but we can't blame you, because you have gooood intentions!
Bart: Hey, back off, man!
Ned: Ooh, okay, duuuuuuude, I wouldn't want you to have a cow, maaaaaaan! Here's a catchphrase you better learn for your adult years: "Hey, buddy, 'GOT A QUARTER?!" [everyone gasps again]
Bart: I am shocked and appalled.
Lisa: Mr. Flanders, with all due respect, Bart didn't do anything.
Ned: [gasps sarcastically] Do I hear the sound of butting in? It's gotta be little Lisa Simpson, Springfield's answer to a question NO ONE ASKED! [Chief Wiggum laughs] What do we have here? [he shakes Chief Wiggum's belly] The long, flabby arm of the law? The last case you got to the bottom of WAS A CASE OF MALLOWMARS!
Krusty: [opens a notebook and begins writing] Mallowmars, oh, that's going in the act.
Ned: Oh, yeah, the clown. The only one of you buffoons who doesn't make me laugh. [to Lenny] And as for you, I don't know you but I'm sure you're a jerk!
Lenny: Hey, I've only been here a few minutes. What's going on?
Ned: [to Moe] You ugly, hate-filled man.
Moe: Hey, hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I... Um. What was the third thing you said? [Ned walks over to Homer, who smiles nervously]
Ned: [calmly and coldly] Homer... you are the worst human being I have ever met.
Homer: Hey, I got off pretty easy.

[Feeling guilty for insulting his community for trying to help him and his family, Ned has just arrived at Calmwood Mental Hospital.]
Ned: I just attacked all my friends and neighbors just for trying to help me. I'd like to commit myself.
Nurse: Very well. Shall I show you to your room, or would you prefer to be dragged off kicking and screaming?
Ned: Ooh, kicking and screaming, please.
Nurse: As you wish.
[Two orderlies in white grab hold of him and drag him away]
Ned: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

[The Simpsons are trying to solve a Rubik's Cube as a family]
Bart: Turn the middle side topwise. Topwise!
Marge: Now I remember why I'd put this down here in the first place.

Jay Sherman: It stinks! It stinks! It stinks!
Doctor: Yes, Mr. Sherman, everything stinks.

[About his earlier treatment in the University of Minnesota Spankological Protocol.]
Dr. Foster: The only problem with the treatment was that it worked too well. You became unable to express any anger at all. From that point on, any time you felt angry, you could only respond with a string of nonsensical jabbering.
Ned: Well, I'll be darn-diddly-aren't.
Dr. Foster: That's the stuff. You suppressed your rage for so long, it finally erupted as a massive public explosion.

[Ned starts to remember he was an out of control child from Dr. Foster. Back in Foster's previous office, he confronts Ned's parents who are seeking his help]
Dr. Foster: Would you please tell your son to stop?
Mr. Flanders: We can't do it, man! That's discipline! That's like tellin' Gene Krupa not to go [starts banging on the desk] "boom boom bam bam bam, boom boom bam bam bam, boom boom boom bam ba ba ba ba, da boo boo tss! We don't believe in rules, like, we gave them up when we started livin' like freaky beatniks!
Dr. Foster: You don't believe in rules, yet you want to control Ned's anger.
Mrs. Flanders: Yeah. You gotta help us, Doc. We've tried nothin' and we're all out of ideas.

Ned: No, that's not true. I don't like the service at the post office. You know, it's all "rush rush! get'cha in, get'cha out!" Then they've got those machines in the lobby, they're even faster, no help there. You might even say, I hate the post office. That, and my parents. Lousy beatniks. [sudden breakthrough sound] Hey, that felt good.

El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer[edit]

Bart: [sees Homer's figure in the lighthouse light] Hey Lise! Is that dad?
Lisa: Either that, or Batman's really let himself go.

[Homer lies on a sofa, talking to a well-dressed man.]
Homer: I always just figured my wife was my soulmate. But if it's not Marge, then who is it? Where do I begin looking?
Man: This really goes beyond my training as a furniture salesman, sir. Now if you don't want the sofa, I'll have to ask you to leave.

Homer: And that talking coyote was just a talking dog.
Dog: Hi, Homer. Find your soul mate.
Homer: Wait a minute, there's no such thing as a talking dog!
Dog: Woof! Woof!
Homer: Damn straight.

[Homer dramatically reveals his wooden chili spoon.]
Lenny: [whispering to Carl] They say he carved it himself... from a bigger spoon.

[Homer points at the sky]
Homer: In your face, space coyote!
Marge: Space coyote?

Marge: Every time you go to that cook-off, you get as drunk as a poet on payday. Don't you remember what happened last year?

[A flashback to last year shows Homer drunk, naked, and inside of a cotton candy machine]

Homer:[drunk,slurred speech] Look at me. I'm a puffy pink cloud.

[Back in the present]

Homer: Oh sure, everything's bad if you remember it.

Homer: I'm a lonely, insignificant speck on a has-been planet orbited by a cold, indifferent sun!

[Marge, driving the kids home without Homer]

Bart: Where's Dad at?
Marge: Your father decided he'd rather come home in a taxi. [To herself] Or a police car.

Homer: Marge, you don't smoke.
Marge: Well, I thought I'd fill the house with the refreshing smell of tobacco.

Homer: Okay. Quit nagging me! I won't have any beer! Geeze why don't you have a cigarette or something.
Marge: Hmm I suppose I could.

The Springfield Files[edit]

Leonard Nimoy: Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is no. Now our story begins on a Friday morning in a little town called Springfield...

Wiseguy: Sorry, Donkey Kong, you're just not a draw anymore.
[Donkey Kong roars and tosses a barrel at him.]
Wiseguy: Hey, he's still got it.
Dr. Hibbert: Thank God it's friday. [leaves the hospital with Moleman in the X-ray machine.]
Hans Moleman: Hello? Hello?
Moe: So uh.. Who are you guys anyhow?
Scully: Agents Mulder and Scully. FBI.
Moe: FBI huh? Uh, excuse me. [in one room Moe's men are covering an orca with water from a hose and a bucket] Alright! They're on to us! Get him back to Seaworld!
Orca: [vocalizing}

[Homer sees a billboard that says 'DIE']
Homer: Yaaaaaaaah!
[the wind blows away the tree that covered the last letter of the billboard, saying now 'DIET']
Homer: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

[Homer sees the "alien" in the woods for the first time]
Homer: [whimpers in fear] Please! Don't hurt me!
Alien: Don't be afraid.
[Homer, screaming, runs away through a field of tall grass, spelling out "Yahhh!" as he does so]

Scully: Now we're gonna run a few tests. This is a simple lie detector. I'll ask you a few yes or no questions and you just answer truthfully. Do you understand?
Homer: Yes.
[lie detector explodes]

Mulder: [after subjecting Homer to a physical and numerous medical tests, Scully has set him on a treadmill] Wait a minute, Scully. What's the point of this test?
Scully: No point. I just figured he could stand to lose some weight.
Mulder: [Seeing the movement of Homer's belly] His jiggling is almost hypnotic.
Scully: Yes. It's like a lava lamp.

Homer: I'm like the man who singlehandedly built the rocket and flew to the moon! What was his name? Apollo Creed?

Homer: This Friday, we're going back to the woods and we're going to find that alien!
Bart: What if we don't?
Homer: We'll fake it, and sell it to the Fox network.
Bart: [chuckles] They'll buy anything.
Homer: Now son, they do a lot of quality programming, too.
[After a short pause, they both burst into laughter.]
Homer: I kill me.

Leonard Nimoy: And so from this simple man became the proof that we are not alone in the universe, I'm Leonard Nimoy, goodnight.
Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Uhhh...Mr. Nimoy, we still have 10 minutes left.
Leonard Nimoy: Oh...fine...let me just go get...something out of my car.
[Sound of loud footsteps running away, a car door opening and slamming, and then speeding off.]
Squeaky-Voiced Teen: I don't think he's coming back.

Mulder: The truth is out there!
Moe: (grunting as he and his men carry an orca) Who'd though a whale could be so heavy. (they see Mulder) (gasps) Cheese it! The feds!

The Twisted World of Marge Simpson[edit]

Man: That's the miracle of the franchise. You get all the equipment and know-how you need, plus a familiar brand-name people trust. You'll be on a rocket-ride to the moon! And while you're there, would you pick up some of that nice, green moon money for Royce McCutcheon!
Homer: No deal McCutcheon, that moon money is mine!

[Marge has decided to go into the pretzel business.]
Marge: What's my territory?
Frank Ormand: Your territory? Well, let me put it this way: wherever a young mother is ignorant as to what to feed her baby, you'll be there. Wherever nacho penetration is less than total, you'll be there. Wherever a Bavarian is not quite full, you'll be there.
Marge: Don't forget fat people, they can't stop eating.
Homer: (passing by) Hey, pretzels.

Marge: I mean if you're nothing special, why kid yourself?
Lisa: Mom!
Marge: Here's my new advice, kids. Aim low. Aim so low nobody even cares if you succeed. *sighs* Dinner's in the oven. If you want some butter, it's under my face.

[Homer goes to Frank Ormand's house and a woman in black answers the door.]
Homer: I'm here to see Mr. Ormand.
Woman: Of course. Right this way.
[In the living room is Ormand's funeral being held]
Homer: Oh, I guess I should speak to the executor of his estate.
Woman: [whispering] He's right over there. [points to another coffin] They were in the same car.

(Fat Tony has just destroyed Hans Moleman's hot dog stand)
Tony: This is a pretzel town, pretty boy.

[Marge arrives at the school loading zone. An unshaven and ragged Skinner appears]
Marge: Are you sure the children will get enough nutrition from these pretzels?
Skinner: [monotonous] Yes I am sure. [a bandaged hand gives Marge money] Sure as sure can be.
Marge: Oh my God. What happened to your fingers?
Legs: [off-camera] Boating accident.
Skinner: I believe it was a... boaking accident. [a laser sight is aimed at his temple] I have to go now.

Fat Tony: Greetings, Homer.
Homer: Hey! Fat Tony! You still with the mafia?
Fat Tony: Uh, uh, yes, I am. Thank you for asking. Now, Homer, as you no doubt recall, you were done a favor by our, uh, how shall I say...Mafia Crime Syndicate.
Homer: Oh yeah.
Fat Tony: Now the time has come for you to do us a favor.
Homer: (Gasp) You mean the mob only did me a favor to get something in return? (Disappointed) Oh, Fat Tony. I will bid good day to you sir.
Fat Tony: [ashamed] Okay...I will go. (exits the building)...Hey...wait a minute.

Marge: Homer, did you tell the mob they could eliminate my competition with savage beatings and attempted murders?
Homer: In those words? Yes.

Tony: Sorry we're late. Can we have the money now?
Marge: The answer is no.
Tony: I'm afraid I must insist. You see, my wife, she has been most vocal on the subject of the pretzel monies. "Where's the money? When are you going to get the money? Why aren't you getting the money now?" And so on. So, please, the money.

Mountain of Madness[edit]

[At 9 AM, Mr Burns arrives at work, uncharacteristally cheery, whistling a happy tune, sitting down at his desk and smiling]
Smithers: [Carrying a tray] Good morning, sir. Care for some coffee?
Mr. Burns: No, the promise of a new day is more than enough for me.
[Smithers walks away. Time passes and Mr Burns slowly becomes more tired, until, at 11:30 AM, he slumps forward onto his desk.]
Mr. Burns: [Weakly] Smithers? Coffee...
[A sip of coffee is all that's needed to boost his batteries.]
Mr. Burns: Ah! We need some excitement around here!
Smithers: Chinese checkers or domestic, sir?
Mr. Burns: No, no. Something fun. Something the men will enjoy, like a safety drill! But what kind? Meltdown alert? Mad dog drill? Blimp attack? Ah, I think a good old-fashioned fire drill today. [presses the "Fire Drill" button as the alarm goes off, most people just stare, intrigued]
Carl: All right, popcorn's ready! [takes the bag out of the microwave and pours kernels in a bowl]
Homer: Hey... That's the fire alarm!
Carl: We gotta get out of here!
[They run out of the cafeteria]
Lenny: Wait for me! [filling a cup at the cocoa machine] Come on, come on, come on!
[All around the plant, it's panic and havoc. One man grabs an extinguisher, and proceeds to hit anyone nearing him.]
Man: Get out of my way!
[Homer storms into his sector and frantically tries to decide which framed picture on his panel he should rescue. Out of all the family photos, he chooses a black and white of himself dressed like a cowboy. He runs out, passing a man frantically running around in a circle]
Man: [frantic] Fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire!
[Mr. Burns and Smithers stand outside the plant. Only screams and the blare of the alarm emerge.]
Mr. Burns: Is it supposed to take this long? What's a good time for a mass evacuation of the entire plant?
Smithers: Forty-five seconds.
Mr. Burns: And what's our time so far?
Smithers: I don't know, sir. This stopwatch only goes up to fifteen minutes.
Mr. Burns: Damnation! What kind of slow coaches do I have working for me? Ah. Here comes one of our fellows now.
[Homer runs out the door and shuts the door and secures it with a bench, before he runs, panting, to his boss.]
Homer: I think I won, Mr. Burns.
Mr. Burns: (Hauntingly) Yes. You won, all right. Won more than you bargained for.
Homer: Woo-hoo!
[Later, the rest of the employees (one of whom is still climbing out of a smashed window) finally assemble outside the plant.]
Mr. Burns: What a disgraceful display! I've seen more orderly behavior in a Ritz Brothers film. You all need a serious lesson in teamwork.
Carl: [pointing at Lenny] Maybe he does, but I don't.
Lenny: Hey, you take that back!
Carl: No! You take that back!
[Lenny and Carl get into a fistfight, and the crowd cheers them on.]
Homer: Hit him, Carl! You too, Lenny!
[Mr. Burns sighs in frustration.]

Homer: So, Burns is gonna make us all go on a stupid corporate retreat up in the mountains to learn about teamwork. Which means we'll have to cancel our plans to hang around here.
Bart: Teamwork is overrated.
Homer: Huh?
Bart: Think about it. I mean, what team was Babe Ruth on? Who knows.
Lisa/Marge: Yankees.
Bart: Sharing is a bunch of bull, too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
Homer: Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. But I think we have to go to the retreat anyway.

[Employees are teamed up by pulling names out of a hat]
Smithers: [Draws a name] Homer Simpson, and [draws another] Mr. Burns?
Homer: [Disappointed] AWWW!!
Homer's Brain: Quiet, you idiot. You're on the only team that can't possibly be fired.
Homer: [Intrigued] Oh..

Smithers: How could you do this to me, Mr. Burns? After all I've done for you. Why, if you were here, I'd kick you right in your boney old behind!
("boney old behind" is heard echoing across the mountain)
Mr. Burns: Why, thank you, Simpson! I have been watching my figure.

Smokey the Bear Robot: Only who can prevent forest fires?
[out of choices "you" and "me", Bart presses "you"]
Smokey the Bear Robot: You pressed "You" referring to me. The correct answer was you.

Burns: Ah sitting, the great leveler. From the lowliest peasant to the mightiest pharaoh, who doesn't enjoy a good sit?
Homer: Oh, man, you are so right. Did you ever sit like this?
Mr. Burns: Yes, yes, that's it. Oh, I could go for one of those right now. Ahh! The only hard part is getting up.
Homer: He-he. Why get up? Here's a little move I have been tinkering with. Say I wanted that bowl of dip.
Mr. Burns: Why, you'd have to get up.
Homer: Oh?
[Homer pounds the table with his foot, which causes the bowl of dip to jump across the table several times until it falls into Homer's hand]
Mr. Burns: Sir, I am in your debt.
Homer: Use it wisely, my friend.

Lenny: Hey, did you hear something?
Carl: No.
Lenny: Oh. Did I?
Carl: I don't know!

Mr. Burns: Those last four avalanches were your fault!
Homer: So what?!
Mr. Burns: Sew buttons!

Homer: Stay back! I have powers! Political powers! [A group of imaginary political figures appear at Homer's sides]
Abraham Lincoln: [twirling a chain] It's SHOWTIME!

Homer: Oh lord, protect this rocket house and all who dwell within the rocket house!

Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious[edit]

Homer: All right, Marge, I'll get you your nanny. And to pay for it, I'll give up the Civil War recreation society I love so much.
[at Moe's, everyone, including Moe, is dressed like 1800s military generals]
Moe: [hangs up the phone] Well, Homer's out. We gotta find a new General Ambrose Burnside.
Barney: [dressed like Lincoln] And I'm not too crazy about our Stonewall Jackson.
Apu: [Apu emerges from the men's room dressed like a Hindu military official] The south shall come again!

Kearney: [as they walk through the park, things look more and more like nineteenth-century London] Extra, extra! Ripper strikes in Whitechapel!
Skinner: Boy for sale! Boy for sale!
Jimbo: Is this legal, man?
Skinner: Only here, and in Mississippi.

(Kearney applies for the nanny position)
Kearney: I'm here for the nanny job. I'll keep a watchful eye on your kids, and if they get outta line...(pounds his fist into his hand): Pow!
Homer: I like him!
Kearney: (to Homer) Thanks. Hey, where do ya keep the liquor?
Homer: I hide a bottle of Schnapps in the baby's crib.
Marge: (to Kearney) I'm sorry, young man. You're not what we're looking for!
Kearney: (walks away, muttering) Tellin' me, ya blue-haired witch.
Marge: I heard that!

Shary: Hello, I'm Shary Bobbins.
Homer: Did you say Mary Pop
Shary: [interrupts] No, I definitely did not! I'm an original creation, like Rickey Rouse and Monald Muck.

Shary: [drunk, singing] Wasting away again in Margaritaville...
Barney: [drunk, singing] Searching for my lost shaker of salt – oh, here it is!

[after being struck by lightning]
Mr. Burns: What's this strange sensation in my chest?
Smithers: I think your heart's beating again.
Mr. Burns: Oh, that takes me back. God bless you, Shary Bobbins.

(During the Krusty Komedy Klassic: Krusty steps out onstage. Three white "K"s are behind him)
Krusty the Clown: Hey-hey! It's great to be here at the Apollo Theater, and -- (notices the unfortunate initials of his comedy special behind him): "KKK"? That's not good. (audience begins booing and chucking bottles and tomatoes at him)

The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show[edit]

Network Executive Lady: We at the network want a dog with attitude. He's edgy, he's "in your face." You've heard the expression, "let's get busy"? Well, this is a dog who gets "biz-zay!" Consistently and thoroughly.
Krusty: So he's proactive, huh?
Network Executive Lady: Oh, God, yes. We're talking about a totally outrageous paradigm.
Writer: Excuse me, but "proactive" and "paradigm"? Aren't these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important? Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that. [pause] I'm fired, aren't I?
Roger Myers Jr.: Oh, yes.

Bart: Hey, Lis, look! They're adding a new character to Itchy & Scratchy! [reads headline] "Poochie the Dog"?
Lisa: Adding a new character is often a desperate attempt to boost low ratings.
Roy: Yo, yo! How's it hangin', everybody?
Marge: Morning, Roy!
Homer: Yeah, hi, Roy.

June Bellamy: Relax, Homer. You'll do fine. I'm June Bellamy. I do the voices of Itchy and Scratchy.
Homer: You? But you're a lady.
June: [mimicking Itchy] She's a lady, all right. [mimicking Scratchy] A beautiful lady.
Homer: [laughing] Hey, that really is you. How did you get to be so good?
June: Oh, just experience, I suppose. I started out as Road Runner. [mimicking The Road Runner] Meep!
Homer: You mean "Meep, meep"?
June: No. They only paid me to say it once, then they doubled it on the soundtrack. Cheap bastards.

Doug: Uh, question for Ms. Bellamy. In episode 2F09*, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib twice in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we to believe, that this is some sort of a... [the nerds chuckle] a magic xylophone or something? Gee, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.
June: Uh, well, uh...
Homer: I'll field this one. Let me ask you a question. Why would a man whose shirt says "Genius at Work" spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show?
Doug: [embarrassed pause] I withdraw my question. [starts eating a candy bar]

2F09 is actually the production code for the season six Simpsons episode "Homer the Great"

Comic Book Guy: Last night's Itchy & Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever! Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes registering my disgust throughout the world.
Bart: Hey, I know it wasn't great, but what right do you have to complain?
Comic Book Guy: As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me.
Bart: What? They've given you thousands of hours of entertainment for free. What could they possibly owe you? I mean, if anything, you owe them!
Comic Book Guy: [pause] Worst episode ever.

[In the latest episode of "Itchy and Scratchy," Itchy has frozen Scratchy in an ice block for an ice-sculpting contest. Itchy begins to slice Scratchy with a chainsaw, but then Poochie walks in.]
Scratchy: Well, look who's here!
Itchy: Hi, Poochie. You look like you've got something to say. Do you?
Poochie: Yes, I certainly do! [his image freezes, and we hear Myers's voice dubbing over the image, saying…] I have to go now. My planet needs me.
[The animation cel with Poochie on it actually slides upward in a choppy manner as a slide-whistle sound is heard. Then a handwritten note in red marker appears, reading: "NOTE: Poochie died on the way back to his home planet."]
Bart: Wow! Poochie came from another planet?
Lisa: Uh, I guess...
Homer: Hey, that wasn't supposed to happen! Those finks double-crossed me! [see Krusty on TV]
Krusty: Poochie's dead! [laughing; children in the audience cheer loudly] Well, kids, we all know that sometimes when cartoon characters die, they're back again the very next week. That's why I'm presenting this sworn affidavit that Poochie will never, ever, ever return! [Blue-Haired Lawyer examines the affidavit]
Blue-Haired Lawyer: This document conforms to all applicable laws and statutes. [kids cheer]
Roger Meyers Jr.: [turns on the light in the observation booth, making him visible to the kids] You kids don't know what you want! That's why you're still kids;'cause you're stupid! [sticks his face out to the window deforming his nose] Just tell me what's wrong with the freakin' show! {turns the lights out]
Ralph: [starts crying, turns knob to the left] Mommy!

Homer's Phobia[edit]

Homer: [almost carrying a large jar of coins until it drops it to the ground] Aw, nuts! Hello? China, little help?

John: Homer, what have you got against gays?
Homer: You know, it's not...usual! If there was a law, it would be against it!
Marge: Oh, please, Homer, you're embarrassing yourself!
Homer: No, they're embarrassing me! They're embarrassing America! They turned the Navy into a floating joke. They took our best names, like Bruce, Lance, and Julian. Those used to be our toughest, manliest names, but now they're just...
John: Queer?
Homer: And that's another thing; I resent you people using that word. That's our word for making fun of you! We need it!

Homer: Marge, the boy was wearing a Hawaiian shirt.
Marge: So?
Homer: There’s only two kind of guys who wear those shirts: gay guys and big, fat party animals. And Bart doesn’t look like a big, fat party animal to me.
Marge: So, if you wore a Hawaiian shirt, it wouldn’t be gay?
Homer: Right! Thank you.

Roscoe: [to workers] Hey! Listen up! I want all of youse to say hello to the Simpsons.
Workers: [waving in a cliche, sissy-like attitude] Hell-o-o.
Homer: [gasps] Has the whole world gone insane?
Steel Mill Worker #1: Stand still, there's a spark in you hair!
Steel Mill Worker #2: Get it, get it!
Steel Mill Worker #3: [walks past Homer holding a vat of hot steel in hot pants] Hot stuff, comin' through!
Bart: Dad, why'd you take me to a gay steel mill?
Homer: [sobbing] I don't know! This is a NIGHTMARE! YOU'RE ALL SICK!
Steel Mill Worker #4: Oh be nice!

Homer: ...And the entire steel mill was gay.
Moe: Pfft, where you been, Homer? Entire steel industry's gay. Yeah, aerospace too. And the railroads! And you know what else? Broadway!

Homer: I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals fa-laming!

Brother from Another Series[edit]

Announcer: It's the Krusty the Klown Prison Special!
Krusty: [singing] I slugged some jerk in Tahoe, they gave me one-to-three / My high-priced lawyer sprung me on a technicality / I'm just visiting Springfield Prison / I get to sleep at home tonight...
[Angry mutterings from the convict audience.]
Krusty: Hey, I kid! I kid 'cause I love! I tell ya, the best folk in the world are prison folk!
Bart: Man, those cons love Krusty! I guess inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy.
Lisa: And vice versa.

Cecil: Now make yourself at home. Perhaps a glass of Bordeaux? I have the '82 Château Latour and a rather indifferent Rausan-Ségla.
Bob: I've been in prison, Cecil. I'll be happy just as long it doesn't taste like orange drink fermented under a radiator.
Cecil: That would be the Latour, then.

Sideshow Bob: You wanted to be Krusty's sidekick since you were five! What about the buffoon lessons, the five years at clown college?
Cecil: I'll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way.

[During Cecil's audition to be Krusty's sidekick, his pie gag falls flat. Krusty and his producers are unimpressed.]
Krusty: Free comedy tip, Slick: the pie gag's only funny if the sap's got dignity. [notices Bob dressed up] Like that guy. Hey, Hal! Pie job for Lord Autumnbottom there!
[A pie hits Bob in the face. His hat flies off and his hair springs up to his signature palm tree afro with a "boing!" sound.]
Bob: Oh, dear.
[Krusty and his producers laugh uproariously. Gradually, Bob begins to appreciate the recognition and smiles.]
Krusty: That guy's a genius! He's gonna change the way we think about getting hit by pies. You're hired!
[Cecil is dismayed when he sees Bob getting hired for a job he wanted so bad.]

[After Cecil locks Bob, Bart and Lisa inside the collapsing dam]
Lisa: Oh, it's hopeless. Utterly, utterly hopeless!
Bob: [offended] Oh, I see. When it's one of my schemes, you can't foil it fast enough, but when Cecil tries to kill you, [mockingly] "it's hopeless. Utterly, utterly hopeless!"

Lisa: [nervously] Um, do you know what you're doing?
Bob: Lisa, you don't spend ten years as a homicidal maniac without learning a few things about dynamite.

Bart: (covering Cecil's eyes) Guess who?
Cecil: Maris?

My Sister, My Sitter[edit]

Chief Wiggum: Bye, Lisa. If anything goes wrong, just dial 911. Uh, unless it's an emergency.
Lisa: G'bye, Chief. Enjoy Bob Saget.
Chief Wiggum: Heh, it's Bob Seger. [looks at the tickets and frowns] Aw, crap.
Marge: Isn't that clever. It looks like a cadillac drove right into the building.
Hans Moleman: Help me!

Ned: Homer, I've got a Fozzie of a bear of a problem! See, Maude and her mother were visiting Tyre and Sidon, the twin cities of the Holy Land. Well, they must have kneeled in the wrong place and prayed to the wrong god because they're being held prisoner by militants of some sort!
Homer: Militants, eh? Well if I were you, I'd kick their asses.
Ned: Well anywhodilly-doodle, the police say it's just a routine hostage-taking, but I gotta drive to Capitol City and fill out some forms to get them out. Could you possibly watch the kids tonight?
Homer: Oh, gee, I'd really love to wanna help you, Flanders, but...Marge was...taken prisoner in the....Holy Land, and...
Lisa: (tugging at Homer's hand) I'll do it! I'll babysit!
Ned: I dunno, Lisa. You're awfully young and the boys can be quite a handful. Todd's been pinching everyone lately!
Lisa: But I'm smart and responsible and my parents will be right next door!
Ned: Well, whaddya say, Homer? Can Lisa babysit my kids?
Lisa: Please, please, please?
Homer: Eh, I'll have to ask her. (slams the door)

[Lisa drags Bart upstairs to put him to bed]
Lisa: Why do you have to make this so hard?
Bart: I'm using nonviolent resistance.
Lisa: Ugh, the idea that you would compare yourself to Mahatma Gandhi...
Bart: Who?

Comic Book Guy:Oooh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.

Homer vs. The Eighteenth Amendment[edit]

Moe: (as he enters the bar, carrying a jug of green rat poison) Listen up! This is the busiest drinking day of the year. Where are the designated drivers? [Two men raise their hands]. BEAT IT! I got no room for cheapskates.

Mayor Quimby: You can't seriously want to ban alcohol! It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism!

Marge: What happened to you Homer? And what have you done to the car?
Homer: Nothing.
Marge: I don't think it had broken axles before.
Homer: Before, before. You're living in the past, Marge, quit living in the past!

[Barney Gumble shows up drunk and puts his face against a diner window]
Barney: Hello fishies.[Belches]
[Rex Banner punches the window out with his bare hand and grabs Barney]
Banner: Aright rummy, I'm gonna say it to ya plain and simple. Where'd ya pinch the hooch? Is some Blind Tiger jerkin' suds on the side?
Barney: [Pause] ...Yes?

Rex Banner: What kind of pet shop is full of rambunctious yahoos, and hot jazz music at 1 a.m.?
Moe: Umm...Ahh...The best damn pet shop in town.

Barney: Ow...! These gears down there really hurt!

Rex Banner: [Overlooking the city] I'll get you, Beer Baron.
Homer: [distant] No, you won't!
Rex Banner: Yes, I will.
Homer: Won't!

Lisa: Mom! Prohibition may be unpopular but it's the law and we-
Homer, Marge, Bart: [in unison] Go to your room Lisa!

[Rex Banner suspiciously eyes passers-by on the sidewalk. He grabs Ned Flanders.]
Rex Banner: Are you the Beer Baron?
Ned: Well, if you're talking about root beer, I plead guil-diddly-ilty as char-diddly-arged.
Rex Banner: (To Eddie and Lou) He's not the Baron. But he sounds drunk. Bring him in!
[Next, he grabs Comic Book Guy]
Rex Banner: Are you the Baron?
Comic Book Guy: Yes, but only by night. By day, I'm a mild-mannered reporter for a major metropolitan newspaper.
Rex Banner: Don't crack wise with me, tubby!
Comic Book Guy: "Tubby?" (looking at his ample gut) Oh, yes. "Tubby."
[Homer and Bart suddenly pass by, towing behind them a wagon full of hops, barley and sour mash.]
Homer: Hey, Banner. How's it hangin'?
Banner: None of your business.

[Homer and Bart are making bathtub gin and other liqor in the basement]
Lisa: Now you're making your own alcohol? That's even more illegal than what you were doing before.
Homer: Lisa remember we're disobeying an unjust law here. We're patriots, like... all those people in jail.

Homer: To alcohol! The cause of -- and solution to -- all of life's problems.

Grade School Confidential[edit]

Mr.Prince:[to Mrs.Prince] I told you we should have served cake instead of oysters!
Martin: I'm ruined!
Nelson:[punches Martin] Ha-ha, ohh... [collapses]

[Bart has seen Principal Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel kissing.]
Bart: So I looked out the window, and there it was the grossest sight I have ever--
Skinner: (through speaker) Bart Simpson, report to the principal's office immediately! (Bart sighs) Now, Bart...son...I don't know what you think you saw but let me assure you that...
Mrs. Krabappel: What Seymour..I mean, what Principal Skinner means, Bart, is that sometimes a little boy's imagination can run away with him!
Bart: That's the best you can do? You could have at least said you were giving her CPR or rehearsing a play!
Skinner: Is it...too late to say that?
Bart: Mmm-hmm!

Homer: Wait a minute. Bart's teacher's name is Krabappel? I've been calling her Crandall. Why didn't someone tell me? I've been making an idiot out of myself!

Ralph: Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.
Chief: Baby looked at you?

Agnes: [to Bart, who is keeping her busy whilst Seymour and Edna sneak out] I collect pictures of wedding cakes from different periods. (She opens a book containing photographs of cakes) It all started in 1969 when Good Housekeeping featured a picture of a lovely cake.
Bart: You wouldn't happen to have any real cakes around here, would you?
Agnes: Oh my, no. Don't care for cake, too sweet. (points at a cake) Now, this is called a Lady Baltimore cake. At my age, I don't have that much saliva left, so you'll have to lick my thumb before I turn the page.
Bart: Aw, can't I just turn the page for you?
Agnes: [slaps his hand away, harsher] No! [sweetly] But you can pick out any picture you want to take home with you.
Bart: Erm...O.K. I'll take...that one.
Agnes: [slaps his hand away] NO!
Bart: Aah! What the-
Agnes: You can't have that one: that's a coconut cake!

Maude: Excuse me, Edna, I don't think we're talking about love here! We're talking about s-e-x, in front of the c-h-i-l-d-r-e-n!
Krusty: "Sex Cauldron?" I thought they closed that place down!
Nelson: Ha-Ha!

The Canine Mutiny[edit]

Marge: Aww, Maggie, you got oatmeal all over. Homie, would you clean her off?
Homer: Can do. (puts Maggie on the floor) Laddie! (whistling) Come here, boy! Who wants to lick a messy baby?

Reverend Lovejoy: Mmm, yes, I remember Satan's Little Helper...littering the rectory with his dirt, biting me in the apse.
Agnes: (yells angrily) He unholied the holy water!
Bart: That's him, all right. I'll be happy to take him off your hands.
Reverend: Oh, I'm afraid that's impossible, Bart. He's no longer among us.
Bart: (gasps in terror) You didn't crucify him?
Reverend: (hearty laugh) No, he's safely with one of our parishioners. I'll give you his address if you like.
Agnes: And then buy something or get out! [Rev. Lovejoy gives her an angry look.] Angel.

[Bart is burying his credit card while mobsters are burying a dead body nearby]

Louie: We didn't see nuttin' if you didn't see nuttin'.

Bart: So I committed a little mail fraud. Haven't I've been punished enough?

Bart: I'm going to get the dog back!
Homer: The bad dog or the good dog?
Bart: The bad dog.
Homer: Oh, good.

Bart: Excuse me, did you repossess this dog from a guy named Santos L. Halper?
Repo Man: Yeah, I remember this mutt. We sold him to some guy wearing a dress.

[At Patty and Selma's front door]

Selma: No Bart, I did not buy your dog. Now, I gotta go keep an eye on Selma. She thinks she swallowed a band aid.

[Inside Groundskeeper Willy's shack]

Willy: Yea I had your dog and I ate him. [takes a bite of chicken]
Bart: [Gasps in horror]
Willy: Aye, I 'ate his little face. I 'ate his guts and I 'ate the way 'e's always barking! So I gave 'im to the church.
Bart: Oh, I see! You hate him, so you gave him to the church.
Willy: Aye, I also 'ate that mess he left on me rug.

[Bart gives a puzzled look]

Willy: Ye heard me!

The Old Man and the Lisa[edit]

Mr. Burns: I'll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't wanna be driving to the maternity hospital or sitting in some phoney-baloney church, or [finger quotes] "synagogue". Questions?
[somewhat long pause, finally Skinner raises his hand]"
Principal Skinner: Well, uh, I'm gonna take advantage of this rare opportunity even if you children aren't interested. Which do you think is more important? Hard work, or stick-to-itiveness?
Mr. Burns: Are there any real questions?
Lisa: Yes. Does your plant have a recycling program?
Mr. Burns: "Re-cy-cling"? [He turns his mental dictionary to "R", and searches but doesn't find "recycle" anywhere] I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that term, you adorable little ragamuffin.
Lisa: You never heard of recycling? It means to reuse things to conserve our natural resources.
Mr. Burns: Oh, so Mother Nature needs a favor?! Well, maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys! Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she's losing?! Well, I say, hard cheese.

Kent Brockman: Remember C. Montgomery Burns? The man who blocked out our sun, ran over a local boy, and stole Christmas from 1981 to 1985 inclusive. Well, guess who's broke and picking up trash for a living?
Homer: [watching television in the living room] Please be Flanders. Please be Flanders. Please be Flanders.

Mr. Burns: [looking at two ketchup bottles] Ketchup... Catsup... Ketchup... Catsup... Castup... K... k... Ooh, I'm in way over my head.

[Mr Burns sits at his desk in his office, Smithers at his side, and a team of financial advisors, all with big toothy smiles, facing him.]"
Mr. Burns: I've called you here because I need some honest answers. What is my current financial situation?
Yes-Man: Great!
Blue-Haired Lawyer: Great.
Smithers: I hear "great".
Mr. Burns: Alright, well let's have a look at my stock portfolio.
[One of the advisors picks up the stock portfolio and blows off the dust before handing it to Mr Burns. Burns opens it and takes out some small, yellowed pieces of paper]"
Mr. Burns: "Confederated Slave Holdings." How's that doing?
Yes-Man: [eyes shifting from side to side] It's, uh... uh, steady.
Smithers: I'm sure all your stocks are doing well, sir. After all, you chose them.
Yes-Men: [collectively] Mm-hmm!
Mr. Burns: Alright, bring in the old stock ticker.
[Two of the yes-men wheel in an old ticker tape, still printing paper, enough for a large pile to fill up the room it was stored in. Burns walks over and picks up part of the paper.]"
Mr. Burns: Here's where I stopped checking it - September 1929... oh no. Oh no! Oh no! Smithers, why didn't you tell me about this market crash?!
Smithers: Um, well, sir, it happened 25 years before I was born.
Mr. Burns: Oh, that's your excuse for everything! I've got to get my money back. This calls for an aggressive trading strategy!
Yes-Men: [collectively] Good idea, sir!
Mr. Burns: Take fifty percent of my money and put it in the blue chips - TransAtlantic Zeppelin, Amalgamated Spats, Congreve's Imflammable Powders, U.S. Hay - and sink the rest into that up-and-coming Baltimore Opera Hat Company. That should set things right again, eh boys?
Blue-Haired Lawyer: Absolutely!
Yes-Man: Genius!
Smithers: Can't go wrong with Congreve's.
[As Burns leaves satisfied, Smithers and the yes-men all look nervously at each other, clearing their throats and tugging at their collars]"

[The next day, Mr Burns is shown the results of his investments in chart form - an abrupt downward plunge]"
Mr. Burns: Are you saying my money's all gone?
Yes-Men: [collectively, sadly] Mm-hmm.
Mr. Burns: But I made all the right moves, didn't I?
Yes-Men: [collectively, cheerfully] Oh, yes sir!
Smithers: Every move a right one.
[Mr Burns' brows furrow in anger]"
Mr. Burns: I see it all now. You're just a bunch of yes-men. I was making the wrong moves and you were too gutless to tell me. Isn't that right?!
Yes-Men: [collectively, cheerfully] Oh, yes sir!
Smithers: It's why you hired us, sir.
Mr Burns: Then I'll fix this myself! Smithers, take out another mortgage on the plant.
Smithers: Um, the bank has already foreclosed on the plant, sir. And your house.
[Mr Burns' eyes widen in shock and he starts wringing his hands]"
Mr Burns: But... what will I do?
Smithers: Well, first you'll have to move out of the bank's house. I'll help you pack.
[Mr Burns moans despondently. Smithers then takes his hand and slowly escorts him out of the office.]"

[Later that day, Smithers helps Mr Burns down the stairs of his former mansion as it's being pitched to pro-wrestler Bret "The Hitman" Hart]"
Saleswoman: And I'm sure a pro-wrestler such as yourself will appreciate all the closet space, Hitman.
Hitman: [sniffs the air] Eww! This place has got old man stink!
Smithers: [To Mr Burns] Don't listen to him, sir. You have an enchanting musk.
Saleswoman: And you wouldn't even be the only pro-wrestler in the neighbourhood. The Shrieking Sheik lives just three blocks away.
[At that, a man starts ululating loudly]"
Hitman: Hehe! I'll take it!
[Mr Burns takes down the last portrait - a self-protrait of himself outside the nuclear power plant]"
Mr. Burns: Um, would it be alright if I kept this portrait? To remind me of better times?
Hitman: Why would I want a picture of a pitiful, pencil-necked old geek?
Mr. Burns: Yes. Why indeed?
[Just as they're about to leave, Mr Burns leaves the portrait at the door and walks away]"
Smithers: I'll make sure he forwards your social security cheques, sir.
Mr. Burns: [sighs] Excellent.

In Marge We Trust[edit]

Reverend Lovejoy: ..And the very same goes for Ezekiel. Which brings us back to our starting point, "the Nine Tenets of Constancy."
Homer: Haah... [bang] DAMMIT!!!

Homer: Oh, I'd love to go with you honey, but I got a lot of work to do around the bed.
Marge: Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.
Homer: Well in that case he should've made the week an hour longer. Lousy God.

Akira: [on phone] Hai. Hai. Hai. Bye. [turns to Homer] Hi!
Homer: [hands Akira a detergent box] Akira, can you read this for me?
Akira: Ah, yes. This is a product called Mr. Sparkle, very popular dish detergent. [points at the mascot on the box] Hey, he looks like you! [laughs]
Lisa: What's he saying?
Akira: He identifies himself as a magnet for foodstuffs. He boasts that he will banish dirt to the land of wind and ghosts.
Lisa: Wow!
Akira: Yes, you have very lucky dishes, Mr. Simpson. This soap is from the sacred forest of Hokkaidō, renowned for its countless soap factories.
Homer: Hokkaidō, eh?

Reverend Lovejoy: [regaling his congregation of his fight with the monkeys at the zoo] Baboons to the left of me. Baboons to the right. The speeding locomotive tore through a sea of inhuman fangs. A pair of the great apes rose up at me but -- bam, bam! -- I sent them flying like two hairy footballs. A third came screaming at me! [imitates hissing baboon][quietly resolved] ...and that's when I got mad.
Homer: Now, that's religion!

Homer's Enemy[edit]

[Alarms blare and red lights flash at Homer's work station]
Grimes: Simpson, you've got a 5-13.
[Homer glances at his watch]
Grimes: No, a 5-13, in your procedures manual? A 5-13?
[Homer glances at his watch again]
Grimes: [points] Look at your control panel!
Homer: Oh, a five thir-teen. I'll handle it.
[He calmly walks into his work station, takes a bucket of water and pours it on his console, shorting it out and silencing the alarms]
Homer: That got it.
[Grimes looks on in horror]

Grimes: (talking about Homer) God, he eats like a pig!
Lenny: I dunno. Pigs tend to chew. I'd say he eats more like a duck.

Homer: Hi, Grimey old buddy!
Grimes: I'm not your buddy, Simpson. I don't like you. In fact, I hate you! Stay the hell away from me, because from now on, we're enemies!
Homer: [haltingly] Okay... Do I have to do anything?

Homer: Oh, I can’t believe it. I got an enemy. Me, the most beloved man in Springfield.
Moe: Ah, it's a weird world, Homer. As hard as it is to believe, some people don't care for me, neither.
Homer: No, I won't accept that.
Moe: No, it's true. I got their names written down right here on what I call my, uh, "enemies list." [reaches under the bar for a sheet of paper]
Barney: [takes list and reads it] Jane Fonda, Daniel Schorr, Jack Anderson... Hey! This is Richard Nixon's enemies list! You just crossed out his name and put yours!
Moe: Okay, gimme that, gimme it back. [takes list and writes] Barney Gumble.
Barney: Aw...

(Bart notices that the factory has collapsed)
Bart: Ah, jeez. Milhouse, how could you let this happen? You were supposed to be the night watchman!
Milhouse: I was watching. I saw the whole thing. First it started falling over, then it fell over.
Bart: Wow. Wonder where all the rats are gonna go?
(Dozens of rats run out from under the rubble and into Moe's Tavern)
Moe: OK, everybody tuck your pants into your socks.

Smithers: Our first little genius is Ralph Wiggum.
[Ralph wanders on-stage with a re-labelled Malibu Stacey dollhouse]
Smithers: [chuckles indulgently] It's pretty good, sir.
Mr. Burns: Hot tub? Media room? It's supposed to be a power plant! Not Anne Bueller's bordello! Thank you, get out. Next!
[long pause]
Chief Wiggum: Uh, Ralphie? Get off the stage, sweetheart!

[Martin walks on-stage with his impressive power plant model]
Martin: Behold! The power plant of the!
Mr. Burns: Ugh! Too cold and sterile. Where's the heart?
Martin: But it really generates power. It's lighting this room right now!
[Martin turns a knob on the model and dims the lights]
Mr. Burns: You lose, get off my property!

[Homer walks onstage with his power plant model]
Grimes: Look, everybody! Simpson's in a contest with children!
Lenny: Hey, shush!
Carl: You're making us miss the contest.
[Homer sets his model down. Mr. Burns looks at it]
Mr. Burns: Could you explain your model, young man?
Grimes: What's to explain? He's an idiot!
Lenny: Pipe down!
Homer: Well, basically I just copied the plant we have now.
Mr. Burns: Hmm.
Homer: Then, I added some fins to lower wind resistance and this racing stripe here I feel is pretty sharp.
Mr. Burns: Agreed. First prize! [Mr. Burns gives Homer a ribbon and some cash]
Grimes: What?!
Carl: Way to go, Homer!
Lenny: You're number one, Homer!
Grimes: But, but, t-t-this was a contest for children!
Lenny: Yeah, and Homer beat their brains out.

[Homer wins the children's nuclear power plant model contest, and everyone cheers. For Grimes, this is the last straw...]
Grimes: I can't stand it any longer! This whole plant is insane! Insane, I tell you! [snaps mentally] Daagh! Aagh!
[He runs out into the corridor]
Grimes: I can be lazy too! [yanks off his tie, and moons one of the employees] Look at me! I am a worthless employee, just like Homer Simpson! Give me a promotion!
[He pulls up his pants and waddles away, cross-eyed, like a penguin. He enters the break room and grabs two donuts from a donut box]
Grimes: Ooh, I eat like a slob, but nobody minds!
[Homer, Smithers and several other employees watch as Grimes scoffs down nearly all the donuts in the box, then runs into the men's bathroom]
Grimes: [from the bathroom] I'm peeing on the seat! Give me a raise! [comes out of the bathroom and waves his hands in Homer's face] Now I'm returning to work without washing my hands, but it doesn't matter, because I'm Homer Simpson!
[He runs into Homer's work station and spins around in the chair]
Grimes: I don't need to do my work, 'cause someone else will do it for me! [puts his feet up, and smacks himself on the forehead] D'oh, d'oh, d'oh!
Homer: [looking worried] Hey, you okay, Grimey?
Grimes: [getting up] I'm better than okay. I'm Homer Simpson.
Homer: [chuckles] You wish.
Grimes: [noticing Mr. Burns] Oh, hi, Mr. Burns. I'm the worst worker in the world. Time to go home to my mansion and eat my lobster!
[notices some dangerous-looking wires on the wall]
Grimes: What's this? [reads sign] "Extremely High Voltage". Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp--
[grabs the wires and electrocutes himself; everyone winces]

The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase[edit]

[Wiggum encounters the Simpsons at Mardi Gras]
Wiggum: If it isn't my old friends from Springfield, the Simpsons! What brings you folks to New Orleans?
Bart: Mardi Gras, man. When the Big Easy calls, you gotta accept the charges.
Lisa: Chief Wiggum, I can't wait to hear about all the exciting, sexy adventures you're sure to have against this colorful backdrop.
Wiggum: Well golly, I'd love to chat, but my son's been kidnapped. You haven't seen him, have you? Caucasian male, between the ages of six and ten, thinning hair.
Homer: [points to Ralph and Big Daddy] Over there.
Ralph: [points to Chief Wiggum] Look Big Daddy, it's regular Daddy.
Big Daddy: The Chief! Ooh, I suppose I'd best to run. (fans himself with his hat) Lord have mercy, how I wish I weren't so fat.

Ralph: [to Chief Wiggum] Daddy, when I grow up, I wanna be just like you.
Skinner(aka Skinny Boy): Better start eating, son.
Chief Wiggum: Start eating?
Ralph: I didn't mean it that way.

Hans Moleman: A poem by Hans Moleman. I think that I shall never see, my cataracts are blinding me. (flower wilts)

The Secret War of Lisa Simpson[edit]

[Homer berates Bart after causing feedback from the massive soundwave unleashed on the town]
Wiggum: [checks watch] IN ABOUT 10 TO 15 SECONDS!
Marge: I CERTAINLY HOPE- [feedback stops] SO! [gasps] That's better.
[Maggie takes two pacifiers out of her ears]
Marge: [to Bart] Now about your punishment, young man...
Bart: I know. I'll go to my room and think about what I did. [Homer stops him]
Homer: Oh, no! Your room is full of toys! You're going to the, uh... garage!
Bart: You're the boss.

Wiggum: You know, you do have options. For instance, there are behavior-modifying drugs. How wedded are you to the Bart you know?
Homer: Not very.

Bart: [realises being tricked] Military school?! You lied to me!
Homer: Well, I'm sorry if you heard "Disneyland," but I distinctly said, "Military school."

Cadet: I can't believe they let a girl in!
Cadet #2: Don't worry, we'll drive her out of the academy! That is why God created hazing.

[Group of cadets coming back to school at night dressed in civilian clothes]
Cadet #1: I'm glad we snuck into town. That was some GOOD corn!

Firing range Instructor: Since you attended public school, I'm gonna assume you're already proficient with small arms, so we're gonna start you with something a little more advanced. [hands Bart a MGL]
Bart: Ho-ho, baby! [Bart fires off five grenades. Four hit the targets, but the fifth flies off into the distance]
Firing range instructor: Four out of five, Simpson, impressive, but you missed your last target.
Bart: [slyly] Did I?
[Cut to a blackened and dumbstruck Principal Skinner, standing next to a smoking crater where his car used to be. Nelson watches in the background from the classroom window]
Nelson: Ha-ha!

Commandant: Traditionally, the academy tested these virtues by pitting you against each other in a two-day battle royale! [the cadets all gasp] That was prior to 1957, thank you very much, State Supreme Court. Consequently now, no cadet can receive a passing grade for the academic year without first conquering this.
[the Commandant points to a tightrope connected by two tall poles with thorn bushes underneath]
Commandant: Meet...The Eliminator. That's a 150-foot hand-over-hand crawl across a 60-gauge hemp-jute line with a blister factor of 12. The rope is suspended a full 40 feet over a solid British acre of old-growth Connecticut Valley thorn bushes. Gentlemen, welcome to flavor country.
Lisa: This wasn't in the brochure.