The Simpsons/Season 7

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The Simpsons Season 7

Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part Two)[edit]

[Smithers sits in a confessional.]
Smithers: Father, I'm not a Catholic. I tried to march in the St. Patrick's day parade but... anyway, I've got a rather large sin to confess. I'm the one who... [breaks down sobbing] Who shot Mr. Burns!
[Chief Wiggum opens the screen and cocks his pistol.]
Chief Wiggum: That's all I needed to hear. Boy, this thing works great.

[Eddie and Lou interrogate Moe with a lie detector.]
Eddie: Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No. [buzz, red light] All right, maybe I did. But I didn't shoot him! [ding, green light]
Eddie: Checks out. Okay, sir, you're free to go.
Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. [buzz] A date. [buzz] Dinner with friends. [buzz] Dinner alone. [buzz] Watching TV alone. [buzz] All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog! [buzz] Sears catalog. [ding] Now, would you unhook this already, please?! I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment! [buzz]

[Homer is pointing Chief Wiggum's gun at Mr. Burns's forehead]
Homer: Say it, Burns! Say I never shot you! ...before.
Mr. Burns: [unaware] Shot? By you my primitive friend, I'm afraid not. Your kind has neither the cranial capacity nor the opposable digits to correctly operate a firearm. The one who shot me was...[scans the crowd; screams] MAGGIE SIMPSON!

Mr. Burns: Officers, arrest the baby!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, right, pops. No jury in the world is gonna convict a baby. Hmm... maybe Texas.

Radioactive Man[edit]

[Hollywood. Executive producer is looking through Variety magazine to scout out a potential location to film the Radioactive Man movie. He sees full page colorful ads that say "Film New York", "Film Utah" and "Film Texas" before coming to a small section that says "Flim Springfield"]
Executive producer: Wow, wow, look at that ad! This town must be hot. They don't need a big ad or even correct spelling! [buzzes his secretary] Get me two tickets to the state Springfield is in!

Bart: George Burns was right. Show business is a hideous bitch goddess.

Lisa: Cheer up, Bart. Milhouse is still going to need a true friend. Someone to tell him he's great. Someone to rub lotion on him. Someone he can hurl whiskey bottles at when he's feeling low.
Bart: You're right, Lis, I can suck up to him. Like the religious people suck up to God.

Kirk Van Houten: Will they just find him... or will they find him and kill him?
Chief Wiggum: They'll find him, and, um... um...
Kirk Van Houten: Um, excuse me, you didn't answer my question. You just trailed off.
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, I did, didn't I?

Rainer Wolfcastle: (as a wave of sulfuric acid washes over him) MY EYES!! The goggles do nothing!!

Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily[edit]

Marge: This is soooo relaxing. Homie, this is a wonderful idea.
Homer: Hehehe, yeah. If that Mafia guy weren't staring at us, I'd take off my towel.
Mafia Guy: [off-camera] Aw don't mind-a me. Look, I do it first.
Marge: Hm?

Nelson: I feel like punching myself!

Social Welfare Guy: [to Bart, Lisa and Maggie] Now just relax, kids. All were doing is taking you to… [slow tone] a foster home!

[Bart and Lisa have been taken by Social Welfare and are taken to the Flanders' house.]
Homer: We leave you the kids for three hours and the county takes them away?!
Grampa: Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch!

Homer: Okay, don't panic! To find Flanders, you just have to think like Flanders...
Homer's brain: I'm a big four-eyed lame-o. I wear the same stupid sweater everyday at--
Homer: The Springfield River!

Bart: Wow, Dad, you took a baptismal for me. How do you feel?
Homer: [blissfully] Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan.
Ned: Wait! Homer, what did you just say?
Ned: Oh, fair enough.

Ned Flanders: Hi-dily ho, neglect-a-renos

Bart Sells His Soul[edit]

Reverend Lovejoy: I know one of you is responsible for this, so repeat after me: If I withhold the truth may I go straight to hell, where I will eat naught but burning hot coal and drink naught but burning hot cola...
Ralph Wiggum: [scared] Where fiery demons will punch me in the back...
Bart: [nonchalant] Where my soul will be chopped into confetti and strewn upon a parade of murderers and single mothers...
Milhouse: [clearly nervous] Where my tongue will be torn out by ravenous birds...
[A raven outside crows menacingly.]
Milhouse: Bart did it! That Bart, right there!
Bart: [angry] Milhouse!
Reverend Lovejoy: Milhouse, you did the right thing. Bart, come with me for punishment. [grabs Bart, then reaches back for Milhouse] You too, snitchy.

[Bart and Milhouse start cleaning the organ pipes as Reverend Lovejoy leaves]
Bart: You shank! How could you tell on me?!
Milhouse: Well, I didn't want hungry birds pecking my soul forever.
Bart: "Soul"?! Come on, Milhouse, there's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the Boogeyman or Michael Jackson.
Milhouse: But every religion says there's a soul, Bart. Why would they lie? What would they have to gain? [see Lovejoy using the coin counter with collection money]
Reverend Lovejoy: I don't hear scrubbing!
Bart: Well, if your soul's real, where is it? [Milhouse puts his hand on his chest]
Milhouse: It's kinda in here... and when you sneeze, that's your soul trying to escape. Saying "God bless you" crams it back in. And when you die, it squirms out and flies away!
Bart: Uh-huh. What if you die in a submarine at the bottom of the ocean?
Milhouse: Oh, it can swim. It's even got wheels, in case you die in the desert and it has to drive to the cemetery.
Bart: [groans] How can someone with glasses that thick be so stupid? Listen, you don't have a soul. I don't have a soul. There's no such thing as a soul!
Milhouse: Fine. If you're so sure about that, why don't you sell your soul to me?
Bart: [pause] How much ya got?
Milhouse: Five bucks.
Bart: ..Deal.

Bart: [watching "Itchy & Scratchy"] I know that's funny, but I'm just not laughing.
Lisa: Hmmm, Pablo Neruda said "Laughter is the language of the soul."
Bart: I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.

Moe: The deep fryer's here! I got it used from the Navy. You can flash-fry a buffalo in 40 seconds.
Homer: Forty seconds?! But I want it now!

[Pieces of Uncle Moe's family feedbag are being taken away]
Moe: Get rid of it all.
Barney: Hey Moe, you could've at least kept the fire extinguishers.
Moe: Nah, too many bad memories.

Milhouse: I'm really sorry... I kind of traded your soul to the guy at the comic book store. But look! I got some cool pogs: Alf pogs! Remember Alf? He's back... and in pog form!

Lisa the Vegetarian[edit]

[chasing the runaway pig for the barbecue]
Homer: It's just a little dirty, it's still good, it's still good!
[it passes through traffic, jumps a bridge and lands in the water]
Homer: It's just a little slimy, it's still good, it's still good!
[it gets caught into the dam spillway, and when the pressure builds, it shoots into the sky]
Homer: It's just a little airborne, it's still good, it's still good!
Bart: It's gone.
Homer: I know.
[at Mr. Burns' office]
Mr. Burns: You know, Smithers, I think I'll donate a million dollars to the local orphanage... when pigs fly!
[they both laugh, the pig flies across the power plant and they are stopped beyond belief]
Smithers: Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir?
Mr. Burns: No, I'd still prefer not.

Homer: Marge, since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: [sighs] Please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup, homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not-not talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uh, Dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room!
Lisa: Why don't you just eat him, Dad?
Homer: [gets pissed off] I don't need any serving suggestions from you! You barbecue-wrecking, know-nothing know-it-all!
Lisa: [pissed off] THAT'S IT! I can't live in a house with this prehistoric carnivore. I am OUT OF HERE!
[Lisa leaves the house and slams the door]
Homer: [pissed off] THAT'S IT! GO TO YOUR ROOM!

[later in Storytown Village]
Father Bear: "Somebody's been sleeping in my bed."
Mother Bear: "Somebody's been sleeping in my bed."(distorted due to technical problems)
Baby Bear: "Somebody's been sleeping in my bed."
Abe: [gets up] Well, I'm sorry, but it was 150 degrees in the car!

[at Skinner's office]
Skinner: Uh-oh. Two independent thought alarms in one day. The students are overstimulated. Willie, remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms.
Willie: I WARNED YA!! Didn't I warn ya!? That colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself!!

[During "The Meat Council Presents: Meat and You: Partners in Freedom", Number 3F03 in the "Resistance is Useless" series.]'
Jimmy: Mr. McClure, I have a crazy friend who says it's wrong to eat meat. Is he crazy?
Troy McClure: [laughing] No, Jimmy, just ignorant. You see, your crazy friend never heard of the food chain. Just ask this scientitian.
Scientist: Uhhh...
Troy McClure: He'll tell you that in nature one creature invariably eats another to survive. Don't kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about!
Jimmy: Wow, Mr. McClure, I was a Grade A Moron to ever question eating meat.
Troy McClure: Ha Ha Ha Ha... Yes you were, Jimmy. Yes you were. [playfully rubs Jimmy's head]
Jimmy: You're hurting me...

[Lisa is about to dissect a worm in class]'
Worm: [in a bleating, lamb-like voice] Lisa! What did I ever do to you?
Lisa: Why does it talk like a lamb?
Ralph: Um, Mrs.Hoover?
Mrs.Hoover: Yes Ralph what is it?
Ralph: My worm went in my mouth and then I ate it can I have a new one?
Mrs.Hoover: No Ralph there aren't anymore. Just try to sleep while the other children are learning.
Ralph: Oh boy sleep! That's where I'm a viking.
Homer; Hey, Flanders.
All members of the Flanders family: Hiddly-ho neighborino!
Homer: Shut up!
All members of the Flanders family: Okily-dokily.

Treehouse of Horror VI[edit]

Homer: (laughs) I've got your doughnut, Lard Lad! And what are you going to do about it?

[The Zip Boys mascots come to life]
Old Jewish Man: Fellas! Where are you going at this hour? [their heads, being so huge, fall to the ground under their own weight and they drag them away] Hey! Don't scratch up them heads!

[Seeing a very tall man Chief Wiggum pulls out his gun and shoots him]
Wiggum: Aw, they're not so tough.
Lou: Um...Chief, that wasn't a monster. That was the captain of the high school basketball team.
Wiggum: Uh, yeah, well, he was turning into a monster, though.

Skinner: Wheel him out quietly. It's best the children don't see me. [it turns out a sheet has came loose, making them scream] Oh, just get him out of there! [tries to pick it up] Not into the kindergarten! [some of the kids' screams are heard]

Lisa: Bart, don't you realize what this means? The next time we fall asleep, we could die!
Abe: Eh, welcome to my world! [falls asleep]

Homer's Brain: [as he enters the 3rd dimension] Oh, glory of glories. Oh, heavenly testament to the eternal majesty of God's creation.
Homer: Holy macaroni!

[Lard Lad's giant donut is in the middle of the Simpsons' living room, along with Homer lying in the center of it. The doorbell rings, and Homer is greeted by the angry face of Lard Lad]
Homer: Hello? Yes? Oh...if you're looking for that giant donut, uh..Flanders has it. Just go smash open his house. [Homer closes the door as loud footsteps trail off] He came to life. Good for him. [smashing is heard as the screen shakes, and footsteps are heard hurriedly heading back to the Simpsons home. The doorbell rings, Homer answers and is greeted by the same angrier Lard Lad]
Ned: [running in the background] Help me Lord!
Homer: I told you, Flanders has it! Or Moe. Go kill Moe.

[Homer drives through an alley of Advertisements. Lardlad Donuts is Homer's Favorite]"
Homer: Ah, the Miracle Mile, where value wears a neon sombrero and there's not a single Church or Library to offend the Eye. There it is! The chain that put the "fat" in "fat Southern Sheriffs".

King-Size Homer[edit]

Dr. Nick: Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use pop tarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.
Bart: You could brush your teeth with milkshakes.
Dr. Nick: Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too?

Homer: 'Bart and Lisa have to go to school while I get to stay ho-ome, na-na-na-na-na!
Lisa: I like school.
Homer: Well, why don't you live in it then?
Lisa: I would if I could.

[Bart fantasizes about being a "lardo on workman's comp" like Homer.]
Bart: [showing a rag on a stick] (southern accent) I wash myself with a rag on a stick.
[The members of the press all applaud Bart.]

Homer: "Explosion imminent". [scrolls back through text, sees gas wasn't vented] Oh, my God! The plant's going to explode!
[Power Plant. Carl and Lenny walk past the rumbling tank without a clue]
Carl: Hey, that thing's going caca-cuckoo.
Lenny: Who cares? It's Homer's problem.

Homer: Wait! I know! [types] Vent gas. "Pressure too high"? "Tank must be shut down manually"? [to drinking bird] Oh, stupid bird! I wish I'd never put you in charge! [strangles it a bit] Why you... Oh, who am I kidding? It's all my fault! [the bird nods] I gotta call the plant and warn them! [grabs phone, but his index finger is so fat that it depresses several keys at once]
Recording: The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.
Homer: Aghh! [runs to the car] I'm going to have to shut it down myself. Fat, don't fail me now! [jumps in car; tires blow out] D'oh! [jumps on skateboard; snaps in half] Oh-oh!

[Homer is driving a stolen ice-cream truck towards the cooling tower, with several power plant employees clinging to the sides.]
Homer: Get away, damn it! Run for your lives!
Worker 1: I'll take a rocket pop!
Worker 2: What can I get for thirty cents?!
Homer: Let go! I've got to get to the tank! [the truck crashes and tips on its side; Homer runs out]
Worker 3: Heck, I can't decide without the pictures.

Mr. Burns: [leading an exercise] Push out the jive... bring in the love...

Mr. Burns: Homer, your quick-thinking and bravery have turned a potential Chernobyl into a mere Three Mile Island. Bravo!
Lisa: I think it's ironic that Dad's girth saved the day, while a slimmer man would have fallen to his death.
Bart: And I think it's ironic that, for once, Dad's butt actually prevented the release of toxic ga-
Marge: Bart!

[Last lines of episode]
Mr. Burns: Now Homer, if there is anything else I can do for you, please let me know. [Homer looks at his family, and realizes his obesity is making life hard for them]
Homer: Can you please make me thin again?
Mr. Burns: I guarantee it.
[Nighttime. Homer and Burns are now the only ones at plant. Mr. Burns is frustrated by Homer's girth and straining himself to do a sit-up]
Mr. Burns: One. One. One! [throws down his megaphone in frustration] Bah! I'll just pay for the blasted liposuction.
Homer: Woo-hoo!

Mother Simpson[edit]

[After Homer has seemingly been sucked to his death in a hydro-electric turbine]
Mr. Burns: Smithers, who was that corpse?
Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir. [tearfully] One of the finest, bravest men to ever grace Sector 7-G... [calmly] I'll cross him off the list.

[Homer clears the moss away from the headstone of what he thinks is his mother's grave.]
Homer: Oh, Mom, I'm sorry I never visit, I'm just not a cemetery person. [reads tombstone engraving] "Here...lies..."
[He clears the last of the moss away. The name on the stone is Walt Whitman. Homer is enraged.]
Homer: Walt Whitman?! Arrrrgggghh!!! Damn you, Walt Whitman! [kicking the stone] I-hate-you-Walt-freaking-Whitman! Leaves of Grass, my ass!

[The FBI storm the Simpson house, looking for Mona.]
Friday: Freeze. FBI. The jig is up.
Grandpa: Alright, I admit it: I am the Lindbergh baby! Wah! Wah! Goo-goo. I missed my fly-fly, dada!
Friday: Are you trying to stall us, or are you just senile?
Grandpa: A little from column A, a little from column B.

Chief Wiggum: [Reading Homer's tombstone upside down] Put out an APB on a Uosdwis R. Dewoh. Yea better start with Greek Town.

Grampa: [to Mona] Well, what do you expect?! You left me to raise the boy on my own!
Mona: [to Grampa] I had to leave! You didn't have to tell Homer I was dead!
Grampa: It was either that, or tell him his mother was a wanted criminal! You were a rotten wife, and I'll never, ever forgive you! (beat) Can we have sex? Please?

[In the post office]
Mr. Burns: Yes, I'd like to send this letter to the Prussian consulate in Siam by aeromail. Am I too late for the 4:30 autogyro?

Mona: [as she is leaving] Don't worry, Homer. You will always be a part of me. [hits her head on the van] D'oh!

Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming[edit]

[As the Simpsons enter the air show the squeaky voiced teen is standing at the gate in an Air Force uniform, directing traffic.]
Bart: Way to guard the parking lot, top gun.
Squeaky-Voiced Teen: I have three medals for this!

[Bart and Grandpa come across the Wright Brothers' airplane.]
Bart: Look at that hunk of junk.
Grampa: [sputters] You're ignorant! That's the Wright Brothers' plane! In Kitty Hawk in 1903, Charles Lindbergh flew it 15 miles on a thimble full of corn oil. Single-handedly won us the Civil War, it did.
Bart: How do you know so much about history, Grandpa?
Grandpa: I pieced it together, mostly from sugar packets.

Sideshow Bob: [speaking on a large TV screen] Hello, Springfield. Sorry to divert your attention from all the big noises and shiny things. But something's been troubling me lately: television! Wouldn't our lives be so much richer if television were done away with?
Moe: What?
Dr. Hibbert: Surely he's not talking about VH1.
Sideshow Bob: Why, we could revive the lost arts of conversation...and scrimshaw. Therefore I submit to you, we abolish television...permanently!
Homer: Go back to Massachusetts, pinko!
Sideshow Bob: Oh, and one more thing; I've stolen a nuclear weapon. And if you do not rid this city of television in two hours, I will detonate it. Farewell. [Bob cuts the link, then turns it back on] By the way, I'm well aware of the irony of appearing on TV in order to decry it, so don't bother pointing that out.

Mayor Quimby: Our city will not negotiate with terrorists. Is there a city nearby that will?
Colonel: No need, sir. We'll find that head case faster than Garfield finds lasagne. [pause] Oh..I'm..sorry. My wife thought that was gang busters.

The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular[edit]

Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such Fox Network specials as "Alien Nose Job" and "Five Fabulous Weeks of the Chevy Chase Show." Tonight we're here to honor America's favorite non-prehistoric cartoon family.

Troy McClure: Right about now, you're probably saying, "Troy, I've seen every Simpson's episode. You can't show me anything new." [harsh] Well, you got some attitude, mister!

[Deleted scene from Treehouse of Horror IV.]
Bart: I'd sell my soul for a Formula 1 racing car.
[Devil Flanders appears with a Formula 1 racing car.]
Devil Flanders: Heh, heh, heh, that can be arranged.
Bart: Changed my mind, sorry.
[Devil Flanders vanishes.]
Bart: Cooooool...
Marge: Bart, stop pestering Satan!

[Deleted scene from Burns' Heir.]
Homer: Bart, you're coming home!
Bart: I wanna stay here with Mr. Burns!
Mr. Burns: (threateningly) I suggest you leave immediately.
Homer: Or what? You'll release the dogs or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? Well, go ahead: Do your worst!
Mr. Burns: "My worst," eh? Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons!
(Smithers pulls a lever on the side of the house. A door on the side of the stairs slides up, revealing a pear-shaped robot in a tank top and short-shorts with Richard Simmons' hair and voice. The robot walks up to Homer)
Robotic Simmons: Come on, big boys! Shake the butter off those buns!
(A speaker slides out the side of his head, blaring "Shake Your Booty" by K.C. and the Sunshine Band. The robot begins disco dancing and Homer tries to back away from him; Homer then runs screaming from Burns' manor; as Burns, Bart, and Smithers keep watching, they turn and find the robotic Simmons right next to them, still dancing and still playing "Shake Your Booty")
Robotic Simmons: Come on, come on, now. Shake, shake, shake. (continues dancing)
Mr. Burns: Smithers, he's out of control!
Smithers: I'll take him out, sir. (extracts his shotgun from his jacket pocket and shoots the robot square in the eye; the blown out eye soon reforms and the robot continues dancing, only this time, the music is warped and the robot begins shaking violently)
Smithers: His ass is gonna blow!
(Smithers, Burns, and Bart run screaming back into the house as the Robotic Simmons explodes, his head landing miles away at the mansion's front gate)

[One of the false endings to Who Shot Mister Burns?.]
Lisa: And, with your last ounce of strength, you pointed to W and S, Waylon Smithers.
[People gasp upon seeing Smithers is the one who shot Mr. Burns.]
Mr. Burns: Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I am giving you a 5% pay cut.
Smithers: Aww!
Troy McClure: But, of course, for that ending to work, you would have to ignore all the Simpson DNA evidence (chuckles) and that would be downright nutty!

Troy McClure: Yes, the Simpsons have come a long way since an old drunk made humans out of his rabbit characters to pay off his gambling debts. Who knows what adventures they'll have between now and the time the show becomes unprofitable?

Marge Be Not Proud[edit]

Bart: Buy me Bonestorm or Go to Hell!
Marge:[angry over his profanity] BART!
Homer: Young man, in this house we use a little word called Please.

[As Bart contemplates stealing a copy of Bonestorm, he imagines several video game characters talking to him.]
Luigi: Go ahead, Bart. Take-a the Bonestorm.
Mario: The store, she's so rich! She'll-a never notice!
Donkey Kong: Duh, it's the company's fault for making you want it so much.
Lee Carvallo: Don't do it, son. How's that game gonna help your putting?
Sonic the Hedgehog: Just take it! Takeit-takeit-takeit-takeit-takeit! Take it!!!

[A nervous Bart is seen getting dressed in his bedroom and he imagines Det. Brodka on the other side of the mirror.]
Det. Dan Brodka: If you ever step foot in this store again, you'll be spending Christmas in juvenile hall. Juvenile Hall! Juvenile Hall!

[Bart imagines spending Christmas in juvenile hall with the bullies]
Guard: Stand behind the yellow line. You will now receive your gift donated by the port of authority lost and found office. Pass your chip to Santa to receive your Christmas present. If you do not have a chip, you will not receive a gift.
Jimbo: Whoa, the March Aid newspaper.
Nelson:[receiving a carpet samples book] Cool, a book of carpet samples.
Bart: Come on new bike. [drops his chip in and is disappointed when he receives a dirty wig] Aw, a soiled wig.
Santa: Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

[Lee Carvallo's putting challenge during the closing credits.]
Lee Carvallo: Welcome to Lee Carvallo’s Putting Challenge. I am Carvallo. Now, choose a club.
You have selected... 3-wood. May I suggest a putter?
3-wood. Now select force of swing. I suggest feather touch.
You have entered Power Drive! Now, push 7-8-7 to swing.
Ball is in... parking lot. Would you like to play again?
You have selected no.

[Bart sees a sign saying "Bonestorm - 99 cents." He rushes inside.]
Bart: I'd like to buy a copy of Bonestorm. Here's 99 cents.
Comic Book Guy: [sighs] Allow me to summarize the proposed transaction. You wish to purchase Bonestorm for 99 cents. Net profit to me: negative 59 dollars. [opens the cash register] Please take my 59 dollars, I don't want it, it's yours. [Bart reaches forward to take the cash.] Eh-eh-eh--! Seeing as you are unfamiliar with sarcasm, I shall close the cash register at this point, and state that 99 cents is the rental price.
Bart: Then may I please rent it, please?
Comic Book Guy: No, you may not. I am all out, though I do have a surprising abundance of Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge.

Milhouse: This is great, and all I've done is enter my name - Thrillhouse! [TV screen shows 'WELCOME THRILLHO']
Bart: [walking in] Say, cool dude, can I play too?
Milhouse: Uh, uh... it's only a one player game.
Bart: Then how come it says 'second player score'?
Milhouse: Mom, Bart's swearing!

Bart: Hey, how come you're not playing 'Bonestorm'?
Milhouse: Ehh... it got boring. I'm really into this cup and ball now! [laughing] You never know which way this crazy ball's gonna go!
Bart: Yeah, right. You're just trying to trick me because you don't want me playing your video game.
Milhouse: [giving Bart the video game] Here, go ahead.
Bart: No, let me try the cup and ball.
Milhouse: Get your own!
Bart: Come on! Don't be a cup-and-ball hog!
Milhouse: Hey! Give it! That's mine!
[Bart and Milhouse fight for the cup-and-ball.]

Marge: What's the matter with your face? Is that a fake nose? Are you wearing chin putty?
Bart: I don't have to listen of these wild allegations! (nose putty falls off and lands near Santa's Little Helper. He eats it)
Marge:[removes the chin putty and hat off Bart] Please, Bart, no more pranks. It would mean so much to me if we could have just one nice family photo.
[She shows Bart three of their last Christmas photos with his previous misbehaviors: one with Bart making a cross-eyed funny face, another with Bart using a comb to simulate a Hitler mustache, and a third with Bart holding a cardboard speech bubble that reads, "I stink!" next to Homer.]
Homer: Hey, I don't remember saying that!

[Marge exits the bathroom and joins Homer who's wearing half-moon glasses. He has found a proper punishment for Bart, while she is still distraught by his shoplifting at Try 'n' Save.]
Homer: I've figured out the boy's punishment. First, he's grounded. No leaving the house, not even for school. Second, no egg nog. In fact, no nog, period. And third, absolutely no stealing for three months.
Marge: I always thought I understood my special little guy, but somewhere along the road, his hand slipped away from mine.
[looks at a handprint of "Bart, age 4"]
Homer: Ehh, what are you going to do?
[Marge looks over Homer's notepad which reveals a drawing of a robot and not of the list of punishments he's planning to do to Bart. Still she is depressed over the whole shoplifting episode.]
Marge: [pause] Mmm. He's not my little baby anymore. Maybe I mother him too much.

[Brodka yanks Bart by the collar of his suit as the picture is being taken and takes him to the side. He is extremely angered at the boy for violating their deal in returning to the store.]
Det. Dan Brodka: I thought I told you. Don't Return For Busted Merchandise.
Homer: What are you doing to my son?!
Det. Dan Brodka: I'm afraid your son broke the 11th Commandment: Thou Shall Not Steal.

[Bart desperately tries to Brodka from showing the security tape of him shoplifting Bonestorm by standing in front of the big screen TV.]
Bart: Mom, I don't want you to see this. I did it.
[His timing is off and everyone sees him taking the game and hiding it in the jacket. Everyone is in shock including Marge and Lisa, while Homer is enraged.]
Lisa: Bart, I would never expected this from you.
Marge:[disheartened] Oh, Bart.

Team Homer[edit]

Moe: You go through life, you try to resist the urge to punch people in the face, and for what? For some pimply little puke to treat you like dirt! Well, I'm better than dirt! Well... most kinds of dirt. I mean, not that fancy store-bought dirt. That stuff's loaded with nutrients. I... I can't compete with that stuff.

Bart: Mom, my slingshot doesn't fit in these pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck.
Marge: Bart, where do you pick up words like that?
Homer: [on phone] Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked. I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
Marge: Homer, watch your mouth!
Homer: Aw, I gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening. [hangs up]

Mr. Burns: I would like to join your bowling team.
Homer: You want to join my what?
Smithers: You want to what his team?

Homer: Hey, everybody! If you wanna ask Burns for a favor, now's the time! He's doped up or dying or something! [Hans Moleman enters Burns' office]
Hans: Uh, excuse me, I'd like to request $17 for a push-broom rebristling.
Burns: Why, it's that delightful TV leprechaun! I'm going to get your Lucky Charms. [pulls out a drill and points it at Moleman's head.]
Hans: [offscreen] Oh no, my brains...

Two Bad Neighbors[edit]

George Bush: If he thinks George Bush won't go into the sewer, well then he doesn't know George Bush.

Grampa: Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by Presidents till the cows came home. Grover Cleveland spanked me on two non-consecutive occasions!
Marge: Grandpa, we know in your day, spanking was common. But Homer and I don't believe in that kind of discipline!
Grandpa: And that's why your no-good kids are running wild!
[He points over at Lisa, in a beanbag chair, reading. She looks up, confused.]

[Homer watches Bush go jogging past with Reverend Lovejoy, Dr. Hibbert, and Lenny]
Homer: Huh. Look at those phonies, sucking up to Bush. [Santa's Little Helper barks and runs off after them] I guess you might say he's barking up the wrong Bush. [laughs]
Homer's Brain: Well there it is, Homer: the cleverest thing you'll ever say and nobody heard it.
Homer: D'oh!

Marge: [picks up a toy pistol] Well, we don't need this.
Homer: [ecstatic] Whic-- Marge! That's the Rhinestone Nights fashion gun! [holds a leather jacket] I need it to rhinestone up my old clothing.
Marge: Who's Disco Stu?
Homer: Uhh, I wanted to write "Disco Stud", but I ran out of space. Not that Disco Stu didn't get his share of the action!

[Seeing Homer's Disco Stu jacket]
Man: Hey Stu, you should buy this.
Disco Stu: Hey, Disco Stu doesn't advertise.

Homer: [singing, to the tune of "Big Spender"] Hey big spender! Dig this blender! Rainbow suspenders! Hey big spender!
Crowd: [singing] We surrender!
Homer: [singing] Spe-e-e-e-e-end some dough at table three!
[crowd applauds]
Homer: Thank you neighbors, thank you! Now let's give it up for table five! [singing, to the tune of "Stayin' Alive"] Ah, ah, ah, ah, table five, table five! Ah, ah, ah, ah, table fi-i-i-i-i-i-i-ive...
Stu: [after Homer stops] Disco Stu likes disco music.

Homer: For the last time Bush, apologize for spanking my boy.
Bush: Never, you make him apologize for destroying my memoirs!
Homer: [to Bart] You never told me you destroyed his memoirs. [to Bush] Never!

Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield[edit]

Homer: Look at these low, low prices on famous brand-name electronics!
Bart: Don't be a sap, Dad. These are just crappy knock-offs!
Homer: Pfft! I know a genuine Panaphonics when I see one. And look, there's Magnetbox and Sorny.

[Homer has taken up golf as a hobby and is practicing hitting golf balls into the commodes in the men's room at the nuclear plant, which is clandestinely being observed by Mr. Burns and Smithers on their surveillance cameras.]
Mr. Burns: Smithers, who is that lavatory linksman?
Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir. From Sector 7-G.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? Well, invite him to the country club. I believe I finally may have a challenge in golf. I have not lost a game since I let Richard Nixon win during his beleaguered second term.
Smithers: That was very thoughtful of you, sir.
Mr. Burns: Oh, he just looked so forlorn, Smithers, with his [imitating Nixon] "Ohhh, I can't go to prison, Monty. They'll eat me alive!" [normal voice] Say, I wonder if this Homer Nixon is of any relation?
Smithers: Unlikely sir, as they spell and pronounce their names differently.

Homer: But Marge... valets! For once maybe someone will call me "sir" without adding "You're making a scene."

Mr. Burns: Use an open faced club. A sand wedge.
Homer: Mmm, open faced club sandwich.

[Homer is putting the wrong score on his card]
Tom Kite: Hey the point of cheating at golf is to lower your score.

[After making a great shot]
Tom Kite: Great shot Homer.
Homer: You really think so?
Tom: Yeah. Now all you need is your own set of clubs. And stay the hell out of my locker! You can keep the shoes.

Bart the Fink[edit]

Bart: Boy, I sure could go for a hundred tacos right about now.
Marge: No! [yanks Bart. Comic Book Guy exits with a wheelbarrow full of tacos]
Comic Book Guy: Yes, this should provide adequate sustenance for the Doctor Who marathon.

[A series of IRS agents investigate Krusty's check, then place a call to his bank in the Cayman Islands.]
Cayman Islands Offshore Holding Corporation Manager: [chuckles] Oh, I'm sorry. I can't divulge information about that customer's secret, illegal account. [hangs up phone] ...Oh crap. I shouldn't have said he was a customer... Oh, crap. I shouldn't have said it was secret... Oh, crap! I certainly shouldn't have said it was illegal! [sits back, fanning himself] Ah, it's too hot today.

[Krusty is being audited by the IRS.]
Krusty: Oh, I can't go to jail! I got a swanky lifestyle! I'm used to the best!
IRS Agent #1: Krusty, this is America. We don't send our celebrities to jail; we're just going to garnish your salary.
Krusty: Garnish my celery?!
IRS Agent #1: Please, Krusty, no jokes.
Krusty: Who's joking?! [sobs] Oh, I don't know what you're saying, it all sounds so crazy to me!
IRS Agent #2: It simply means we will be taking part of your salary until your debt is repaid. Say, 75% for 40 years.
Krusty: But I don't plan to live that long!
IRS Agent #1: Better make it 95%.
Krusty: Oh-hoh, boy!

Troy McClure: Hello, I'm Troy McClure! You might remember me from such celebrity funerals as "Andre The Giant, We Hardly Knew Ye" and "Shemp Howard: Today We Mourn A Stooge."

Krusty: Who needs friends!? The incessant beep of the global positioning system is all the companionship I need. [The GPS electrocutes Krusty. In a fury, he throws it overboard.] Tell me where you are now, you bastard!

[Krusty's show has been taken over by the IRS]
Krusty: Hey, hey, kids! Now that the feds are calling the shots, this show's gotta be a lot more cost-effective. So we had to cut down on the thrills, like sets, props, costumes and Sideshow Mel. But that doesn't mean we can't have fun! For example, I sure wish someone would give me a banana cream pie! Yeah. Uh...
[An IRS agent backstage gestures that they don't have the money]
Krusty: I guess we can't afford pies right now. Well throw something!
[IRS agent throws his briefcase and it hits Krusty in the eye]
Krusty: OW! Oh, that corner!

[Skinner opens his front door and sees his mother with Superintendent Chalmers]
Skinner: Mother!
Agnes Skinner: Seymour!
Skinner: Superintendent Chalmers!
Chalmers: Skinner?!
Skinner: What I wouldn't give for something to distract from this awkward moment...
[Krusty flies by in his plane, sobbing and looping out of control.]
Skinner: That'll do nicely.

[Bart blows up a Krusty balloon and the face is deformed]
Bart: Have you seen this man?
Sea Captain: Aye, that's Handsome Pete. He dances for nickels.[Turns to the back door] Pete, ya got some customers!
[a dwarf whose face resembles Krusty's comes in and plays an accordion while dancing]

Lisa the Iconoclast[edit]

Mrs. Krabappel: "Embiggens"? I never heard that word before I came to Springfield.
Miss Hoover: I don't know why. It's a perfectly cromulent word.

Homer: [ringing bell] Hear ye, hear ye! Ye olde town crier proclaimed crappy by all! Chooseth Homer Simpson, and he shalt rock thy world!
Chief Wiggum: My God, he is fabulous!
Principal Skinner: He's embiggened that role with his cromulent performance.

Betsy Ross: I got the white stars you wanted, but not the red hearts, yellow moons, and or green clovers.
George Washington: Well... I'll use it. But I'm not paying for it!

Hollis Hurlbut: Now get out. You're banned from this historical society. You and your children, and your children's children... for three months.

Mayor Quimby: Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?

Homer: I've got two questions. One: Where's the fife? Two: Give me the fife.

Homer the Smithers[edit]

Mr. Burns: You should've seen the murderous glint in his eyes, Smithers. And his breath reeked of beer and pretzled bread.
Smithers: I'm so sorry, Mr. Burns. This was all my fault.
Mr. Burns: No, don't concern yourself. If things had turned ugly, I always had my mace. [cradles an actual mace]
Smithers: Don't let me off the hook that easily, sir. I failed you, and I'll never forgive myself! [Begins smashing his head against the steering wheel of the limo] Never! Never! Never! Never! Never! Never!
[Annoyed, Burns raises the shield between him and Smithers. His car phone rings, and he answers it.]
Smithers: [through the phone] Never! Never! Never!

Smithers: I have to find someone to replace me while I'm gone who won't outshine me. I'll search the employee database under the word "incompetent".
Computer: 714 matches found.
Smithers: 714 names? I'd better narrow the search. Let's see... "lazy", "clumsy", "monstrously ugly".
Computer: Searching... 714 matches found.
Smithers: Nuts to this! I'll just go and get Homer Simpson.

Homer: Here are your messages: "You have 30 minutes to move your car," "You have 10 minutes," "Your car has been impounded," "Your car has been crushed into a cube," "You have 30 minutes to move your cube."
[phone rings]
Homer: [answering] Hello, Mr. Burns' office.
Mr. Burns: Is it about my cube?

Smithers: Montgomery Burns' office. Oh hello, Mrs Burns. I'll see if your son is available.
Homer: Mr. Burns has a mother? She must be 100 million years old!
Smithers: [to Homer] She has limited capacities. All she can do is dial and yell. [talks back to Mrs Burns] I'm sorry, Monty can't come to the phone right now. He's in a very important meeting and can't be disturbed. [shot of Burns trying to avoid falling asleep] Uh-huh... okay, I'll give him the message. [hangs up] Mr. Burns can't stand talking to his mother. He never forgave her for having that affair with President Taft.
Homer: [chuckling] Taft, you old dog!
Moe: Uh, yeah. I need someone to help with the midnight beer delivery. Your job is to distract Barney until its safely off the truck.
(bell on the Duff clock dings)
Moe: (after realizing Barney is gone) Oh My God!
Truck Driver: Beer delivery. just sign here. Oh,No! It's you! (Barney gets to the truck and drinks all the beer on it)
Barney: (burps)

Marge: Is there something wrong, Homie?
Homer: No.
Marge: Except?
Homer: Except... I killed Mr. Burns!
Lisa: What happened, Dad?
Homer: I punched Burns right in his 104-year-old face!
Lisa: Are you sure he's dead? Maybe you just really, really hurt him.
Marge: Okay, maybe everything is alright. Maybe if you go apologize, he might not even fire you... if he's alive.

Mr. Burns: Doughnuts? I told you I don't like ethnic foods.

[Homer is helping Smithers to a taxi with his bags]
Smithers: Is there anything else you need to know? [gets in]
Homer: Uhh... What do I do in case of fire?
Smithers: [The window is rolled up and his voice is muffled] Sorry, can't hear you. [Taxi starts driving off] Good luck.
[Homer goes back to Mr. Burns's office and it is on fire]
Homer: Aww, just my luck.

Mr. Burns: Good Lord Smithers, you look atrocious! I thought I told you to take a vacation.
Homer: Uh, Smithers already left, sir. I am his replacement, Homer Simpson.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? Ah yes, I will have my lunch now. A single pillow of shredded wheat, some steamed toast, and a dodo egg.
Homer: But I think the dodo went extinct.
Mr. Burns: Get going! And after lunch install a computer system and rotate my office so the window faces the hills!

The Day the Violence Died[edit]

Chester: He didn't create Itchy: I did.
Bart: Huh?
Chester: He stole the character from me in 1928. When I complained, his thugs kicked me out of his office, and dropped an anvil on me. Luckily, I was carrying an umbrella at the time.

[Watching "Amendment To Be", which has replaced "Itchy & Scratchy".]
Bart: What the hell is this?
Lisa: It's one of those campy '70s throwbacks that appeals to Generation X'ers.
Bart: We need another Vietnam to thin out their ranks a little!

Roger Myers, Jr.: Okay, maybe my dad did steal Itchy. But so what? Animation is built on plagiarism. If it weren’t for someone plagiarizing The Honeymooners we wouldn’t have The Flintstones. If someone hadn’t ripped off Sergeant Bilko, there’d be no Top Cat. Huckleberry Hound, Chief Wiggum (Chief Wiggum stares at Roger Meyers), Yogi Bear, hah! Andy Griffith, Edward G. Robinson, Art Carney. Your Honor, you take away our right to steal ideas, where are they gonna come from? [points to Marge in the galley] Her?
Marge: How about...Ghost Mutt?

A Fish Called Selma[edit]

TV Announcer: Movie for a Rained-Out Ball Game presents The Muppets Go Medieval. Starring Dyan Cannon and Troy McClure.
Kermit the Frog: Foul villain, unhand that woman!
Miss Piggy: Quiet, frog!
Bart: What's a Muppet?
Homer: {chuckling} Well it's not quite a mop, and it's not quite a puppet, tell the truth, I don't know.
Troy McClure: {as black knight} Oh princess fair, wilst thou grant thee thine dainty hoof in marriage?
Bart: Hey, who is that leathery muppet?
Marge: He is not a Muppet. That is Troy McClure. Back in the 1970s he was quite the teen heartthrob.
Homer: Troy McClure? That guy's a freak!
Marge: What are you talking about?
Homer: You know, his bizarre personal life. Those weird things they say he does down at the aquarium. Why, I heard...
Marge: Oh, Homer, that's just an urban legend. People don't do that kind of thing with fish!

Lisa: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, it's not quite a puppet, but man... [laughs hysterically] So to answer your question, I don't know.

Louie: Troy McClure!? You said he was dead!
Fat Tony: No, what I said is that he sleeps with the fishes! You see...
Louie: Uh, Tony, please, no. I just ate a whole plate of dingamagoo.

Selma: [to Marge] Remember when we were kids, we used to dream about our ideal husbands? Who knew the dream would come true for one of us? [uncomfortable pause] Oh, come on! Guess which one.
Homer: I know! I know! It's Selma, right?

Bart on the Road[edit]

Homer: Doughnut?
Lisa: No, thanks. Do you have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit.

Nelson: [in awe] What is this place?
Bart: Branson, Missouri. My dad says it's like Vegas... if it were run by Ned Flanders.

[Homer makes a crank call to Moes]
Homer: I'd like to speak to a Mr. Snotball, first name Eura?
Moe: Eura Snotball?
Homer: What?! How dare you?! If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!

Homer: [after Lisa tells him about Bart's problem; his face turns a weird shade of red and he is unnervingly calm] Yes... that's a real pickle. Would you excuse me for a moment?
[He turns to the wall, puts on a radiation suit hood and screams out muffled obscenities, then removes the hood and turns to face Lisa, eerily calm again.]
Homer: All right, I have thought this through. I will send Bart the money to fly home... and then I will murder him.

[Nelson tries to sell Milhouse's glasses in a pawn shop]
Pawnbroker: Hey these are just what I need to fix those antique coke bottles. [Starts counting money] Three hundred, four hundred, five hundred.[A blind Millhouse knocks over the display of coke bottles and breaks them]... Five hundred, four hundred, three hundred, two hundred, one hundred, zero.
[Kicks them out of the store]

[Nelson smacks Milhouse for fiddling with the car's radio too much]
Milhouse: OW! Bart, Nelson hit me!
Bart: He sure did.

22 Short Films About Springfield[edit]

Sanjay: I wish you'd come to my party, Apu. You could use some merriment.
Apu: Listen, serving the customer is merriment enough for me. [Bart pays for his gum] Thank you, come again. You see? Most enjoyable.
Sanjay: Oh, I guarantee a wingding of titanic proportions. You will be there or kindly be square.
Apu: Well, I don't like to leave the store... [dusts off a "back in 5 minutes" sign] ...but for the next five minutes I'm going to party like it's on sale for $19.99!

Chairman: Dr. Nick, this malpractice committee has received a few complaints against you. [reads from clipboard] Of the 160 gravest charges, the most troubling are performing major operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant...
Dr. Nick: But I cleaned them with my napkin.
Chairman: Misuse of the cadavers...
Dr. Nick: I get here earlier when I drive in the carpool lane.

Chalmers: Well, Seymour I made it-- despite your directions.
Skinner: Ah, Superintendent Chalmers, welcome. I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon.
Chalmers: Yeah.

[Skinner runs to the kitchen, only to find his roast burnt and gasps in horror.]

Skinner: Oh ye Gods! My roast is ruined! But what if I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking? Delightfully devilish, Seymour.

[He begins to climb through the window, but Chalmers enters the kitchen]

Skinner: Superintendent! I was just, er, stretching my calves on the windowsill. Isometric exercise care to join me?
Chalmers: Why is there smoke coming out of your oven Seymour?
Skinner: Uh... ooh! That isn't smoke, it's steam! Steam from the steamed clams we're having. Mmmm, steamed clams.

[Once Chalmers leaves the kitchen, Skinner runs across to Krusty Bruger and buys burgers to replace his burnt roast]

Skinner: Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouth-watering hamburgers.
Chalmers: I thought we were having steamed clams.
Skinner: Oh no, I said 'steamed hams'. That's what I call hamburgers.
Chalmers: You call hamburgers 'steamed hams'?
Skinner: Yes. It's a... regional dialect.
Chalmers: Uh-huh? What region?
Skinner: Er,upstate New York?
Chalmers: Really? Well I'm from Utica and I've never heard anyone use the phrase 'steamed hams'.
Skinner: Oh, not in Utica, no. It's an Albany expression.
Chalmers: I see.

[Chalmers takes a bit out of a burger and chews a little, while Skinner sips his drink]

Chalmers: You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Bruger.
Skinner: Hohoho no! Patented Skinner Burgers. Old family recipe!
Chalmers: For steamed hams?
Skinner: Yes.
Chalmers: Yes. And you call them steamed hams, despite the fact they are obvously grilled.
Skinner: Y-Uh.. you know the... One thing I should... excuse me for one second.
Chalmers: Of course.

[Principal Skinner's kitchen catches on fire in the middle of dinner with Superintendent Chalmers]

Principal Skinner:[yawn] Well, that was wonderful. Good time was had by all. I'm pooped.
Superintendent Chalmers: Yes, I should be-- [notices the fire] Good Lord, what is happening in there?
Skinner: Aurora Borealis.
Chalmers: [fed up] Aurora Borealis!? At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen!?
Skinner: Yes.
Chalmers: [pause] May I see it?
Skinner: [pause] No.

[ Snake stops at a red light and sees Chief Wiggum crossing the street]
Wiggum: Doughnuts, I got doughnuts. I got, hey I know you.
[Snake wrecks his car while trying to run him down, then escapes on foot]
Wiggum: Hey come back, we gotta swap insurance info.

[Apu gets back to the Kwik-E-Mart and unlocks the door]
Hans Moleman: You took away 5 minutes of my life and I want them back. [Thinks for a second] Aww I'd only waste them anyway.

Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"[edit]

Bart: Mr. Burns, can you take me with you? I won't eat much and I don't know the difference between right and wrong.
Mr. Burns: Oh, you're a good boy, but the child labor people have been watching me like a hawk.

[Grandpa makes a dangerous deep water dive to rescue Bart from being drowned by Mr. Burns.]
Bart: Sorry I made you lose the treasure, Grampa.
Grampa: The treasure's not important, boy; the most important thing is that you're safe. Now, let's go get that treasure!

[Bart is impressed with Grandpa's past heroism.]
Bart: Grandpa, do you think I could have been in the Flying Hellfish?
Grandpa: You're a give-em'-hell daredevil with a never-say-die attitude and a fourth-grade education! You could have made sergeant!

Grandpa: I'd hug you, but I know it would just embarrass you.
Bart: I don't care who knows I love my grandpa.
[They embrace. Suddenly, Baron von Wortzenberger drives up to them]
Baron von Wurtzenberger: Hey funboys, get a room!

Much Apu About Nothing[edit]

Marge: What you're saying is so understandable. And really, your only crime was violating U.S. law.

Homer: Please identify this object.
Apu: It appears to be the flag that disappeared from the public library last year.
Homer: Correct. Now, we all know the thirteen stripes are for good luck, but why does the American flag have precisely forty-seven stars?
Apu: Because this particular flag is [chuckling] ridiculously out of date! The library must have purchased it during the brief period in 1912 after New Mexico became a state but before Arizona did.
Homer: Uh... partial credit.

Proctor: All right, here's your last question. What was the cause of the Civil War?
Apu: Actually, there were numerous causes. Aside from the obvious schism between the abolitionists and the anti-abolitionists, there were economic factors, both domestic and inter—
Proctor: Wait, wait... just say slavery.
Apu: Slavery it is, sir.


Homer: Aww, it makes no sense; I haven't changed since high school and all of a sudden I'm uncool.

[1974. Homer and Barney are singing to the tune of Leo Sayer's "You Make Me Feel Like Dancing".]
Homer: [off-key] You make me feel like dancin'!
Barney: [off-key] I wanna dance the night away! [Abraham enters the scene]
Grampa: What the hell are you two doin'?!
Barney: It's called "rocking out"!
Homer: You wouldn't understand, Dad. You're just not with it.
Grampa: I used to be "with it". But then they changed what it was! Now what I'm with isn't it, and what's it seems weird and scary to me. [points sinisterly at Homer] It'll happen to you! [Homer shrugs off Abraham, looks at his reflection in the mirror happily]
Homer: No way, man! We're gonna keep on rockin' forever! Forever! Forever!
[fades to his dejected self in the mirror at present day]
Homer: [dejected] Forever... forever... forever...

[During one of Homer's freak show performances.]
Teenager #1: Oh look, there's that cannonball guy. He's cool.
Teenager #2: Are you being sarcastic, dude?
Teenager #1: [after a pause] I don't even know any more...

[Homer informs Marge he want to join the Pageant of the Transmundane.]
Marge: So... you want to go on tour with a traveling freak show.
Homer: I don't think I have a choice, Marge.
Marge: Of course you have a choice.
Homer: How do you figure?
Marge: You don't have to join a freak show just because the opportunity came along. [Homer pauses for a beat]
Homer: You know, Marge, in some ways, you and I are very different people.

[Backstage at the Springfield Hullabalooza show, a backstage assistant enters with a group of musicians in tow.]
Backstage Assistant: May I have your attention please! Who here ordered the London Symphony Orchestra? I repeat, someone here ordered the London Symphony Orchestra! Possibly while high!! Cypress Hill, I'm looking in your direction!!!
[The Cypress Hill members talk among themselves for a bit.]
B-Real: Uh, yeah, I think we, do you guys know "Insane in the Brain"?
Orchestra Player: We mostly know classical... but we could give it a shot.
[The track drops for "Insane In The Brain", and Cypress Hill dances as the symphony orchestra starts to play its own interpretation.]
Marge: Now, this, I like.

Summer of 4 Ft. 2[edit]

Marge: Well, did you call one of your friends?
Lisa: Friends? Hah! These are my only friends. Grown up nerds like Gore Vidal, and even he's kissed more boys than I ever will.
Marge: Girls, Lisa. Boys kiss girls.

[Homer walks up to the counter in a convenience store.]
Homer: Yeah, um, give me one of those porno magazines, a large box of condoms, a bottle of Old Harper, a box of panty shields... [rapid undertone] and some illegal fireworks... [normal voice] and one of those disposable enemas. You know what? Make it two.
Clerk: My apologies, sir, but the sale of fireworks is strictly prohibited in this state and is punishable by a— [sees the only other customer in the store walk out the door] follow me.
[Homer follows the store clerk to his secret stash of illegal fireworks]
Clerk: Any red-blooded, flag-feeding American would love... the M-320. Celebrate the independence of your nation by blowing up a small part of it.
Homer: All right.

[Marge is looking through the grocery bag filled with embarrassing hygiene and sexual products Homer bought at the convenience store.]
Marge: Ew, Homer. Whatever you're planning for tonight, count me out. Didn't you buy any meat?
Homer: [patting the giant firework] Hee, hee, hee! This baby's sure to kill somethin'!

[After Lisa finds out that the beach kids decorated the family car with seashells.]

Erin: So, you like hanging out?
Lisa: Well, it beats doin' stuff.
Erin: Totally. Stuff sucks.