The Simpsons/Season 20
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The Simpsons (1989–present) is an American animated sitcom broadcast by the Fox Broadcasting Company created by Matt Groening. The series is a satirical depiction of American life, epitomized by the Simpson family.
- Bart: [watching the St. Patrick's Day celebrations] Urgh, where's the IRA when you need them?
- Ex-IRA Member: We renounced the ways of the gun and the bomb. [A double decker bus bearing a Union Jack drives past] Oh, in the old days, we'd have been all over that.
- Marge: This was such a pleasant St. Patrick's Day until Irish people showed up.
- Marge: Bail is set at $25,000.
- Homer: [scoffs] I make that in a year.
- Homer: So how about a little stakeout music.
- Ned: Homer, I don't think we have the same musical tastes.
- Homer: Well I like :AC/DC.
- Ned: I like their Christian cover band :'AD/BC. (Starts Singing):Kindly deeds done for free.
- Homer: And you have to promise me no "diddlies" or "doodlies."
- Ned: Friend, you got yourself a deal-a-rooney!
- Homer: D'oh!
- Lisa: [seeing what her parents are up to] Tracking software? [gasps] You're spying on Bart!
- Marge: Honey, keeping track of someone because you love them is not wrong. It shows you care.
- Moe: [Listening to Marge via his own bugging device in the basement] That's right my beautiful, beautiful Midge. [Laughs] Soon, you'll be mine.
- FBI Agent #1: [observing Moe via spy camera] Keep talking, creepo.
- FBI Agent #2: Every word buys you a year in the slammer.
- Marge: Bart, how did you get a cellphone?
- Bart: The same way you got me, by accident on a golf course.
- Constipated Gorilla/Denis Leary: "No longer must we live in shame, let the decree go forth, EVERYBODY POOPS!"
- [Bart prank calls a Hawaiian bar]
- Hawaiian Bartender: Aloha.
- Bart: Aloha to you. I'm looking for Maya. Last name Normousbutt.
- Hawaiian Bartender: Hang on. I'll check. Uh, has anyone seen Maya Normousbutt?
- [Bar patrons laugh, while the bartender glares at the phone in rage.]
- [The scene switches from Hawaii to Australia as Bart calls Crocodile Drunkee's.]
- Australian Bartender: I've got a Drew P. Wiener(droopy wiener) here. Anyone expecting a Drew P. Wiener. I hold in my hand a Drew P. Wiener.
- Australian Patron: Better put it down then mate.
- [He and the other patrons laugh, as the bartender is enraged.]
- [Scene switches from Australia to Sweden. The bar's name is Inga Bar Beermans.]
- Swedish Bartender: Ja! I shall inquire. Is there a Mr. Myfriendsaregay, first name Olaf. Attention everyone, all of my friends are gay.
- [Bar patrons laugh, slowly]
- Swedish Bartender: Wait a minute. If I ever get a hold of you, I shall thank you for showing me the futility of human endeavors.
- (Bart is at a low end of a see-saw while Mr Burns is at the high end and won't fall)
- Bart: Why won't you come down?
- Mr. Burns: I told you. I only weigh as much as my clothes and keys.
- Homer: (while falling) Aw, come on gravity...You used to be cool.
- Homer: You just cost me $200,000!
- Bart: I thought it was 50.
- Homer: I was gonna bet it on the dogs!
- Homer: [holding toy newspaper] For your information, The Daily Growl is the only newspaper that's not afraid to say how great this country is.
- [Bart marvels at the things in Simon's bedroom]
- Bart: Wow, cool poster of Joe Montana.
- Joe Montana: [steps out of the wall] It's not a poster.
- [Bart screams]
- Joe Montana: I'm the real deal. Every day I stand here the family donates a million dollars to Notre Dame. Did you know the words "Notre Dame" are French, but the team is the Fighting Irish? That's the kind of thing I think about in here.
- Bart: Back in the poster, gabby.
- Joe Montana: Yes, sir.
- [The kitchen is filled with appliances transforming]
- Homer: Hey, is there something different about the kitchen?
- Transformers: No, no, no. [Homer looks at the toaster which transforms into the word "No"]
- Homer: Well, the toaster's never lied to me before.
- Destructicus: That does not compute.
- Marge: (sternly) Really?
- Destructicus: Well, it computes a little.
- Krusty: [on phone] Entertain the troops? No way! What have they ever done for me?
- Homer: [approaching him] Krusty, you made my daughter cry.
- Krusty: Hey, my intellectual property rights were being infringed. Do you know how that feels? Do you? Huh? Do you?
- [Enraged Homer pushes Krusty into a swing, into a merry-go-round that spins him onto a pony, then a trampoline, then into a wood chipper, Krusty screams as he shredded alive]
- Homer: One, two, three. One, two, three. It's no use. [closes Krusty's eyes]
- Homer: Well, you know, it is awfully hot today. [chuckles] Now I'm too cold. Mmm.
- [Homer is being sucked into the possessed voting machine during the opener]
- Homer: This doesn't happen in America! Maybe in Ohio--but not America!
- (When a hitchhiker couple make out in the back of his car)
- Homer: Knock it off! How dare you expose my children to your tender feelings! Bart, don't you dare take your eyes off that game boy!
- Bart: Yes, sir. (Plays a video game about killing popular cereal mascots) I'm cuckoo for killing stuff!
- Homer: Video games: The reason this generation of Americans is the best ever.
- Chalmers: SIMPSON, what in the blue blazes are you doing to my hop-scotching grids?
- Lisa: (a bit worried) I made them into a crossword.
- Chalmers: Oh, well ha ha, I'm a bit of a puzzlehead myself. They help me wind down after a day of dealing with SKINNER!!
- Skinner: (Appears in the school window.) You called?
- Chalmers: Made a reference.
- Skinner: My mistake. (Disappears back in the window.)
- Chalmers: You're welcome, now, I have to go home and make sure my pool boy is using his SKIMMER!!
- Skinner: (Appears in the school window.) You called?
- Chalmers: You misheard.
- Skinner: My mistake. (Disappears back in the window.)
- Homer: I'd like to bet everything against my daughter.
- (Everyone in the bar turns and gasps.)
- Bookie: I'll take your money...but I won't look you in the eye.
- Homer: Fine! I won't look you in the eye!
- (Short period of them poking each other with the money and a bag for taking the money.)
- Homer: Got it?
- Bookie: (muffled with money in his mouth) I got it.
- Bookie: Here's your money, soaked in your daughter's tears.
- Homer: Y'know, for a bartender bookie, you're awfully judgmental.
- Nelson: Mr. S. Lisa B.
- Steve Mobbs: Greetings! It is I, your insanely great leader Steve Mobbs. I'm speaking to you from Mapple headquarters deep beneath the sea with an announcement that will change the way you look at everything. And that announcement is...
- Bart: [speaking through a microphone over Mobbs' visual]...you're all losers!
- (the crowd moans in disappointment)
- Bart: You think you're cool because you buy a $500 phone with a picture of a fruit on it. Well guess what, they cost eight bucks to make and I pee on every one!
- (the crowd gasps in horror)
- Bart: I have made a fortune off you chumps. And I've invested it all in Microsoft. Now my boyfriend Bill Gates and I kiss each other on a pile of your money!
- Homer: Praise to Oliver!
- Mina: That's Allah.
- Homer: We'll look it up in the Corona.
- Bashir: [holding up Bart's sling shot] Bart forgot this, sir.
- Homer: "Sir?" That's the kind of respect I'd have to strangle out of an American kid!
- Lisa: 1200 Dollars?! But I only downloaded... 1212 songs.
- Seymour Skinner: Hmmm, Men, the room for me.
- Jimbo: Nice prank, Simpson. I dare you to dump that bees' nest on those second grade babies.
- Bart: Why would I want to?
- Jimbo: Because I said "I dare you." Kearney, can you read it back?
- Kearney: (Reading) "Nice prank, Simpson. I dare you to dump that bees' nest on those second-grade babies.
- Bart: Why would I want to?
- Jimbo: Because I said 'I dare you.' Kearney, can you read it back?
- Kearney: (Reading) Nice prank, Simpson. I dare you to--"
- Jimbo: The point is, Simpson, a dare has been placed on your nards.
- Bart: My nards accept.
- Mr. Burns: Who is that man and why isn't his enthusiasm being punished?
- Smithers: That's Mark Cuban, sir. He's the most flamboyant owner in the league.
- Mark Cuban: (Slides down a zip line from a hook while holding a fire cracker.) (enthusiastically) I'M OUT OF MY MIND!
- Lisa: Dad, all the bees are dying.
- Homer: Oohh no more bees! Now who'll sting me and walk over my sandwiches?
- Lisa: But without bees there would be no flowers.
- Homer: (scoffs) Flowers: The painted whores of the plant world.
- Mr Burns: (Walks into a tree, and falls over. He then points at the tree.) Kill his acorns and make him watch.
- Bumblebee Man: Stop, I'm one of you!
- Bee: (buzzing) We hate you the most, uncle Tom!
- Lisa: Hey Mom, can Juliet sleepover?
- Marge: Are your parents okay with that? They've never met us.
- Bart: We could be murderers.
- Homer: Could have been, if we hadn't had kids.
- Bart: Nice doorbell. Is it computerized?
- Homer: Hey, that was... [hits Bart]
- Bart: Ow!
- Marge: Homer!
- Homer: Well, we... I... You come up with an excuse! [hits Bart again]
- Bart: Ow!
- Lisa: You can't keep Juliet and me apart! I'll... I'll disobey!
- Marge: I'm Bart Simpson's mother, do you think you've got any tricks I haven't seen. (Leaves the room.)
- (Lisa climbs out the window and slides down the tree only to land in a laundry basket being held by Marge.)
- Marge: Bart Simpson: Age 3. (Both go back inside.)
- Homer: (Comes out of a hidden door in the tree dressed in black.) Bart Simpson: Age 10. Mhwahahahaha!
- Marge: Are you saying Lisa is not at the Model U.N.?
- Martin: (Dressed as a Belgian delegate.) To the extent you can trust the word of a Belgian...yes!
- Homer: I'm going to find Dondelinger and tell him I know what he did last summer...22 years ago...in the winter!
- Mr. Burns: Sector 7G? No, let the Lennys and Carls of this world waste their wretched lives in that testicle-shriveling torture chamber.
- Dondelinger: The brown-haired girl gave me a look, The redhead in the park was reading a book, The girl at the airport upgraded my car, Tonight I wonder, just where you are...
- Principal Skinner: At the end of the month we're be participating in the Vice President's Assessment Test.
- Nelson: He stinks!
- Principal Skinner: We're assessing you, not him.
- Nelson: Withdrawn.
- Chalmers: Lisa, like Captain Kirk I'm not supposed to interfere but like T.J. Hooker I say what is on my mind. If you don't know the answer, just guess.
- Lisa: This test penalizes guessing.
- Chalmers: It does? Alright NOBODY GUESS! Just be right! Get down on your knees, pray to your God, and ask him, no, DEMAND he tell you the answer and if he won't, he is no God of yours!
- Bart: [after the women in book club are dying] Oh my God, Oh my God, we're totally liable! [notices the only woman you have left and began canoodling and making out]
- Homer: Ohhhhh…yes. [but realizes the dream was so gross and unreliable] I mean… NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! [camera zooms back out to see if Marge and the women in book club are safe]
- Ned: This is so hard because I always thought Mom was the strong one.
- Bart: She is. Look.
- (Homer is crying as he is about to hang himself on a tree.)
- Homer: Goodbye.
- (He hangs himself, only for the tree to crash on his car.)
- Homer: (getting up) D'oh!
- Marge: How about the family outing?
- Homer: Hooray for stupid flanders!
- Bart: What the!
- Marge: Maybe it's theses.
- Homer: Yes.
- Homer: Now Maggie, I'll be watching you too, in case God is busy creating tornadoes or not existing.
- Homer: C'mon lady, have a heart! I'm sure your husband does stupid things sometimes too.
- Mother Superior: (indignantly) I'm married to Jesus!
- Homer: Pssh, yeah right. And I'm married to Wonder Woman!
- Homer: Don't eat so fast! (talking to his hand that's pretending to be Maggie)
- Homer's Hand: No! Me so hungry!
- Mother Superior: (to Lisa) You must wear your gown with modesty, not like Sister Marilyn.
- Sister Marilyn: (In a nun's gown, standing over a wind thing, mimicking the famous photograph.) Oooh!
- Mother Superior: Are you a bit of a Doubting Thomas?
- Lisa: More of a Curious George.
- Mother Superior: Well, little monkey, you should spend some time with the man in the yellow hat.
- (Cut to Lisa in front of a picture of Jesus with a halo that looks like a hat.)
- Garda (Irish Cop) 1: So, it's a Smokeasy you're running, then?
- (Homer and Grampa try to run)
- Garda (Irish Cop) 2: So, it's escaping you're thinking of, then?
- Homer: I can't tell if those are questions or statements.
- Garda (Irish Cop) 1: So, it's our syntax you're criticizing, then?
- Reverend Lovejoy: So in summary, there are only two real commandments and the other eight are just filler.
- (Trying on a tuxedo.)
- Bart: This one's a little gay, isn't it?
- Store Worker: Well the last time I checked, pirates weren't gay.
- Homer: Ew. How'd you check?
- Bart: So if you weren't married, does that mean I'm a bastard?
- Lisa: You were born when they were married, so in the literal sense, no. But in the sense of someone being angry at you, yes.
- Marge: It's not a big deal. We'll just go to City Hall and get married there.
- Lisa: [to Homer and Marge] I think it's romantic: you can pretend you're newlyweds, starting a life together!
- Bart: Yeah, instead of exhausted zombies running down the clock!
- Homer: Why you little bastard! [Grabs Bart and starts strangling him.]
- Lisa: That's the angry one!
- Bart: [chokingly] Uh-huh!
- Moe: I'm selling all sorts of faith based knick knacks. [points to bumper stickers]
- Channel 6 newsman: Let's take a look.
- Moe: [reading bumper stickers] I'd commit arson for the Parson. Clergyman can kiss my apse. And all kinds of gems. Surprisingly none of them have sold. Except for this one. [holds up button that reads "Welcome Parson"]
- [At Moe's.]
- Homer: (to Maggie) Now you learn your numbers from these billiard balls while daddy gets happier and happier and then sadder and sadder.
- Carl: How did your date go, Moe?
- Moe: Incredible. I've never felt like this before. It's like my heart wants to do her.
- Moe: You gotta make me shorter doc.
- Dr. Hibbert: (laughs) What do you mean?
- Moe:I mean take out bones, guts, whatever you gotta do to make me a micro Moe.
- Dr. Hibbert: What you're asking is completely unethical. No licensed physician would perform that operation.
- [Cuts to Dr. Nick.]
- Dr. Nick: Now close your eyes and when you wake up you will be a woman.
- Moe: No, no, no, no, no! I-I wanna be shorter, for a woman.
- Dr. Nick: Uh oh. I mixed you up with the last guy.
- [Pans to Largo.]
- Largo: (screams) I look nothing like Julie Newmar!
- Moe: Who'd have thought that such a little woman could make me feel so big?
- Principal Skinner: [to Milhouse] We've got the how, we've got the who, but we don't have the why.
- Willie: [with letter "Y" in his head] Here 'tis. [Yanks Y from his head and placed it on a desk.]
- Marge: Oh, Bart. I don't care that this is just an act. You've finally become the boy every mother dreams of--A girl!
- Marge: Are you saying our entire relationship is based on lies?
- Bart: Not our entire relationship, just the stuff I said.
- Lisa: If you don't stop smiling, you're gonna get a kiss!
- [Maggie holds up a fan, which Lisa tries to kiss. Marge comes into the room and gasps loudly, and unplugs the fan]
- [Throwing an old water heater onto a pile of water heaters in the attic.]
- Marge: Five more water heaters and we get a free water heater!
- [Camera pans down showing the floor sagging over Maggie's crib due to the weight of five old water heaters.]
- Lisa: I've never been called "fierce" before. "Strident." "Hectoring" has been tossed around.
- Homer: I'm sorry, Moe. I didn't mean everybody everybody, hope you don't mind.
- [In a dream, Homer meets the ghost of Oscar Wilde]
- Oscar Wilde: Homer, there are only two tragedies in life: One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
- Marge: But that makes no sense.
- Oscar Wilde: Experience is simply the name we give to our mistakes.
- Homer: Shut up!
- Oscar Wilde: These days, man knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
- Homer: Whatever happened to "Boo"?
- Alaska Nebraska: I am so sick of fans in my food.
- King Julio: (about Lenny) Guards take him away and put things inside of him!
- Guard: Nice things?
- Julio: No, not nice things!
- Moe: [upon seeing Selma naked] Whoa, someone call Beowulf! Grendel got in again!
- Reverend Lovejoy: Lord Jesus, although our country turned Protestant for the sole reason that our fat, mean king could dump his faithful wife, we know you're on our side. So please destroy these horrible monsters who believe your mother should be revered.
- King Julio: Normally I love to see flaming dream boats heading my way but not like this baby!! Not like this!!!
- Homer: (After a dying Sideshow Mel praises William Shakespeare.) Well, if you see him in Heaven...tell him he sucks!
- [The spirit of Marge is impressed that he gave out a terrific performance and implores him to audition for more Shakespearean plays by tossing script in front of him. Horrified, Homer chooses the easy way out and commits suicide by shooting himself.]
- Homer: [Joins Marge as a ghost] Me reading all those plays would be the real tragedy.
- [Homer is content with being lazy while Marge is frustrated and learns her lesson the hard way.]
- [At the Simpsons' house, Homer is sleeping on the couch; his stomach is rumbling.]
- Homer: What's wrong, old friend? Can't sleep? (his stomach continues rumbling) Aww. Would some warm beer settle you down? (his stomach continues rumbling) Uh-oh. (gets up and runs off) Those barley burgers were tainted! Why did I eat twelve of them?! Why?! (runs to a bathroom door, only to find Marge using it)
- Marge: Taken!
- [Homer shuts the bathroom door, and runs upstairs to another bathroom door, only to find Bart using it.]
- Bart: Occupied!
- [Homer runs to another bathroom door, only to find Lisa using it.]
- Lisa: Hurling!
- [Homer runs, looks both ways, runs into Lisa's bedroom, and vomits into her saxophone; his mouth gets stuck trying to get it out.]
- Homer: Uh-oh!
- Milhouse: Minnesota Vikings apparel? This is Tennessee Titans country!
- Marge: Homie, I don't think we should build a fence. Haven't we always taught the children to make friends with those who are a little different?
- Lisa: Yes!
- Bart: Yeah!
- Maggie: Ja! [Marge gasps.]
- Maggie: Ja! Ja!
- Homer: [in a tense voice] Now do you see Marge? [grasping Maggie] Now do you see why we must build that fence?
- Marge: BUILD IT, HOMIE! MAKE IT AS TALL AS THE SKY AND DEEPER THAN HELL!
- Maggie: Ja! Ja!