Apu: [carrying his octuplets] Tell that to my aching back!
Bart: [groans] It's not a family stroll! Homer forgot where he parked his car last night and now we have to find it!
Marge: What a beautiful day to be in denial!
Lisa: Yeah, Bart, who cares? The sun is shining, birds are singing, people... are... staring up at the sky in terror?
[the family screams]
Homer: Do you see it, Lisa? There's... nothing... there.
Milhouse: And that's where Lard Lad used to be!
Lou: Uh... Looks like we better file a report with the Bureau of Missing Statues.
Chief Wiggum: Yeah. Be like that time that Rodin statue got stolen. What was the name of the statue again? Eh, ah, let me think. [sits on the statue's base imitating The Thinker] Um... thinking. Yeah... Still thinking. Still thinking...
Kent Brockman: In response to the outcry, Lard Lad's parent company, Tianjin Mining and Smelting and Donuts, has issued the following statement: "We are rebranding Lard Lad with an updated statue."
The Simpsons: Aahh!!! Sideshow Bob! [Kang or Kodos gets out from behind a tree] Aahh!!! One of you guys!
[the ghost of Frank Grimes merges from the ground]
Marge, Bart and Lisa: Frank Grimes?
Frank Grimes: I'm the guy who hated you. Hated you! Died from my hatred of you!!
Homer: [giggles] Good old Grimey.
Sideshow Bob: To the point, we are evil geniuses who, somehow, lost every battle we've had with Homer Simpson.
Homer: [eathing tincels] What?
Sideshow Bob: So we decided to form this furious four!
Frank Grimes: Bob, seriously man, one suggestion? Shut up! I mean, the baby is already asleep.
Sideshow Bob: Awww.
Frank Grimes: Will nobody stop these people? [clips from all previous episodes appear and a counter goes from 1 to 600] Oh, hi. How do you do, Children? I'm Frank Grimes. In Hell, they make you watch them all in a row. Welcome to our 600th Episode. Treehouse of of Horror 27.
Milhouse: [suffocated inside a plastic bag] Why did Mom "DOUBLE WRAP"?!?!?!?
Krusty the Clown: That's right! I'm introducing a new line of candy so delicious that the Krusty Corporation board of directors will stop threatening to oust me! [drum roll] Presenting: Krustaceans! They look like shrimp, they taste like candy, and they're organic! Uh... "Clown eats snack"? Uh-oh, this could get ugly.
Krusty the Clown: Hey hey, kids! Krusty won't be needing the spit bucket!
Bart: [eating the candy] Mmm! They are good!
Lisa: How did you get them so fast?
Bart: I'm a Krusty Prime member. $75.00 a month, but it's worth it.
Homer: I was in line for that job and I lost it to someone who barely speaks English! It's humidifying.
Homer's Ambition: Well, then why the hell don't you do something about it?!
Homer: Huh? Who said that?!
Homer's Ambition: Me!
Homer: Who are you?
Homer's Ambition: I'm your ambition!
Homer: How come I never met you before?
Homer's Ambition: I've been locked up for 30 years by Apathy and Alcoholism!
Narrator: Well, it's the first Saturday in September, and that means one thing in Springfield. It's that time again! Opening day of peewee football! And everybody's headed down to Child Soldier Field to catch all the action! It all comes down to this, the first game of the year, perfect season on the line, and drunks are being rolled off the field. Ladies and gentlemen, your Springfield Neutrinos!
Lenny: They over-fogged the run-in!
Carl: They put those kids in danger just to psych up the crowd! [yelling] Yeah, are you psyched up now? Huh? Are you?!
Marge: Concussions!! [knocks Homer's soda into his hot dogs]
Kent Brockman: Professor, what danger does this concussion threat truly pose?
Professor Frink: Uh... Well, Kent, these children will need their brains unbruised for the demanding, high-tech jobs of the future: polishing and buffing our robot masters.
Kent Brockman: Indeed. And here to defend youth football, we have Nelson's dad.
Eddie Muntz: Are you wearing makeup?
Kent Brockman: Is it worth the risk to your son's health when only point 1% of youth football players make it to the pros?
Eddie Muntz: You saying my boy doesn't have what it takes to play pro ball? Huh! Boy, show him your moves! Juke it, juke it!
Kirk: Uh... Vultures, almost every kid wears a retainer, and that is not cool! [shows Milhouse's braces] But this retainer is a de-lamer. As it turns this grill from blah to bling! [puts a golden retainer on his mouth with "MILHOUSE" written on it]
Homer: No parking spots? Lousy butt-kissers coming in before noon, eating donuts are rightfully mine. (stops at a smart car) D'oh! Stupid smart car. (spots at an SUV) D'oh! Spot hogging SUV. (spots a sinkhole with two vehicles inside it) D'oh! Inconvenient sinkhole! (spots at a parking sign: "Created by Matt Groening") D'oh! Mandatory credit! (spots at another parking sign: "Developed by James L. Brooks, Matt Groening & Sam Simon") D'oh! "Developed By"? What does that even mean? (spots at an empty parking space) It's empty!
Homer: A Skunk-a-san! [Homer tries to throw Pokeballs at the skunk but it does not work] Why can't I capture you? [moves myPhone away, revealing a real skunk] Aah! It's real! [skunk sprays Homer] D'oh! [starts to lose consciousness then drops. cut to garage where Homer is in a tomato sauce bath]
Marge: Sprayed by a skunk. Homer, that game is too dangerous.