The Simpsons/Season 24
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The Simpsons (1989–present) is an American animated sitcom broadcast by the Fox Broadcasting Company created by Matt Groening. The series is a satirical depiction of American life, epitomized by the Simpson family.
- Marge: Just once I'd like your father to be on a Jumbotron for something good.
- Homer: You've learned a very valuable life lesson, boy. Which is that love doesn't exist except briefly between a man and a woman before marriage. After that, it's just hanging out with someone who kinda hates you, but you can't get it together to leave.
- Bart: Come on, Dad. You love New York, now that your two least favorite buildings have been obliterated: Old Penn Station and Shea stadium.
- Moe: If the late great Nora Ephron taught us anything, it's that - oh, what's my other inflatable doll doing here?!?
- Bart: Now to get my comic book and explore a world where no one's mad at George Lucas.
- Bart: It's Homer before his boobs came in.
- Homer: Awww, sweetie, sometimes a mysterious invisible being from hell waits for a family to go to sleep then kills them. Now, go to bed.
- Homer: A black hole...[whispering] I'm sorry, can we call it that?
- Homer: Come on, you can't look at that infinitely dense little guy and not want to feed it something.
- Frink: Oh my God, Particle!
- Moe: Man, soccer's even boring for the ball.
- Satan-Moe: [reacting to Homer giving oral sex to him which is censored by a blanket on the camera] Ohhh yea-- Cinnamooooon cinamon CINAMOOOOON!
- Homer: I'm here to take my life back!
- Artie Ziff: I thought this might happen. So I mastered Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Crawl atop me and meet your doom!
- Homer: Not so fast! Say hello the United Federation of Homers Through History!
- Bishop Homer: Crush them, in the name of Jebus!
- The Rich Texan: Stopping all Americans from voting is for the protection of all Americans.
- Homer: Marge, I was just being a good husband by pretending to agree with you while secretly undermining your agenda.
- Bart: Oh no, Lisa's face! It's the same.
- Lisa: I hope you're happy. You all just wasted your time working your way into an after school class. Bart, Milhouse, Nelson, and Ralph: Aahhh!
- Homer: Geez. I mean I'm no Luis Guzmán, but I'm alright.
- Homer: [plugs Marge's ears, talks quieter] One onion rings, please.
- Homer: Wait, the frog in the trench coat is Kermit too.
- Lenny: All the frogs in that show are Kermit. Keeps all the other frog actors out of work.
- Moe: Hey, don't you badmouth this country. Compared to the rest of the third-world, we're doing great.
- Homer: That's one way to avoid drunk driving.
- Marge: Another way is don't drink.
- Homer: I'm not Superman.
- Homer: And I don't think you're boring. It's just that in today's multi-channel environment you have too many choices. Look at Sunday night! There's like eight amazing shows, none of them on Fox.
- Homer: Happy Anni...birth...tine's...shark week?
- Lisa: But I promised Paul McCartney I wouldn't eat meat.
- Lunchlady Doris: And I promised Paul McCartney I wouldn't sleep with John.
- Dan: Fat Tony, a word?
- Fat Tony: How about meringue?
- Dan: That's a great word.
- Fat Tony: We are bleeding red ink, which is the only thing we should not be bleeding.
- Homer: [saddened] Oh, what I wouldn't give for an anvil to fall on me. [an anvil falls on him] D'oh!
- Dan: How do you keep finding me?
- Homer: You really should tweet less.
- Dan: But everyone deserves to know what I'm thinking all the time.
- Homer: A paper-based read-a-ma-jig? What are we, cavemen?
- Lisa: Willie, I love your chaps.
- Willie: Me pants are ripped out!
- Marge: I don't care for silent auctions. It just encourages hovering.
- Homer: Free Tibet! You heard me, free him now!
- Homer: "Hope"? Is this one of those coincidences, like Jesus on a tortilla or George Washington on a dollar bill?
- T-Rex: T.V.? We don't own a T.V.
- Lisa: I didn't know that was an option.
- Homer: No one judges my wife's thunder bags.
- Homer: Wearing scarves in non-scarf weather is the essence of cool.
- Marge: The kids are a mess. You brought them home exhausted and pretentious.
- Marge: You're all bald.
- Homer: No, I'm young person cool-bald. Not old person sad-bald.
- Terrence: You know there are now restaurants there with two locations. Not near my kids.
- Homer: Beat it, ducks! I'm not old enough to have food for you. I'm sexy. Young and sexy!
- Burns: I insist you never wear shoes or a proper necktie again. Just house slippers and the most humiliating tie there is - bolo.
- Herman: God closes a door, he opens a gunshot.
- Homer: Well, that's just how dogs are. The most disloyal, unfaithful creatures God ever made.
- Grampa: Unfortunately, like all true stories, this one has a crappy ending.
- Bart: You have a story with an ending.
- Bart: He's alive!
- Marge: And he didn't pee on the floor.
- Grampa: For me, that's a perfect day.
- Lisa: I love that dog...but that is one long, stupid name.
- Homer: That's right, your lord sticks his hand in his pants. And yes, it is the same hand I tapped you with.
- Homer: Listen, I gotta know. You're not just being nice to me because, in a pinch, you could make candles from my fat.
- Lloyd: Well, that is a big part of it.
- Homer: It's okay. I know what I am.
- Weak Guy: All I wanted...to be fun.
- Homer: Do not question the wisdom of Tom Skerritt.
- Moe: Well, Homer's gone. Let's all go into our suspended state 'til he gets back.
- Homer: If Jesus had a gun, He'd be alive today.
- Homer: Marge, this is it. TEOTWAWKI.
- Marge: The end of the world as we know it?!?
- Homer: I guess despite all our so-called civilization, anarchy lurks around every corner like a racially diverse street gang on a network cop show.
- Bart: Dad, what would you do if you got my ear in the mail?
- Homer: I don't know; feed it to the dog.
- Bart: You'd have to wrap cheese around it.
- Homer: Don't you tell me how to feed you to the dog!
- Fun Center Supervisor [on her cell phone]: I hate working here. At least at Krusty Burger, you can burn yourself and go home.
- Bart: Looks like Mr. Vanilla just grew some chocolate chips.
- Seymour: Save your analogies for the analogy portion of the exam.
- Lisa: So how's the studying going?
- Bart: When I start, I'll tell you. [lies down on the bed]
- Lisa: [sensually obsolete] This is the most selfish thing you've ever done! You're letting your friends go hang because you are lazy, and selfish-- [Bart closes his eyes slowly] hey, are you falling asleep just to spite me?
- Lisa: Spinach Farm, huh? You talk in your sleep!
- Bart: Lisa, I want to pass the test, but I need your help and I had all sorts of problems. Lack of attention, I'm afraid of ovals, I only know 24 letters-- (Lisa closes her eyes that Bart done earlier) don't you fall asleep on me!
- Lisa: Well, Bart. I hope you're happy. All my extra credits are like frequent flyer miles on a bankrupt airline.
- Chalmers: I hate waiting. That's why I hate risotto.
- Skinner: Even mushroom risotto?
- Chalmers: What do you think?!?
- Mrs. Krabappel-Flanders: We got hired at this school to escape accountability. Who's gonna hire a hire a lunchlady who's been accused of murdering her husband?
- Lunchlady Doris: Never convicted. They couldn't find the body. Anyone care for some chicken Pete pie?
- Homer: When I found out shrimp cocktails had no alcohol, I really lost interest.
- Homer: Like all childless couples, they troll the beaches waiting for the egg-layers to wander off from their young.
- Homer: Worry-wart Marge. You don't look a Trojan horse in the mouth.
- Bart: All you need to know is that I'm a politeness monster who eats "pleases" and farts "thank yous", ma'am.
- Lisa: I'm exactly the kind of kid he's pretending to be.
- Marge: I think I hear a slight accent.
- Woman: Mid-Atlantic.
- Marge: *gasp* That's where they filmed The Wire! Step on it!
- Homer: What women really want is a guy who's confident enough to go completely downhill after marriage and know she'll still love him.
- Cletus: Anything new that wanders into this house ends up in the stew pot.
- Marge: Kids, your father and I have decided we're not in such a hurry to get you guardians.
- Homer: Instead of concentrating on dying, we're going to concentrate on living.
- Bart: If you call this living.
- Homer: [turns red with anger] Why, you little... [furiously lunges at Bart and angrily strangles him] I do call this living. Living the way kids in lndia can only dream of.
- Lisa: There is nothing like your biological family.
- GPS: Switching to male voice, so you will obey.
- Homer: Finally, a supervisor!
- Mary: [singing] There ain't not never no place none better than home. Count the negatives, it all works out.
- Bart: You got star quality, like the Hulk in movies other than The Hulk.
- Milhouse: I can't wait to use your moves on Lisa.
- Lisa: Eww. On every level, eww.
- Bart: I'll be more attentive to your needs on the seesaw. I'll stay down there as long as you want.
- Homer: "Spot the hidden objects." Boy, you're pretty pushy for a book I just met.
- [after Marge tells them that she's banning TV from the house]
- Homer: Honey, this sounds like a noble experiment, but like Prohibition, it will end in a hail of bullets.
- Bart: That's the way people talk about Ralph. Ralph, whose favorite color is peanut butter.
- Homer: [to Kuddle on the tablet] If I might you, why do I need all these books?
- [Homer is watching Maggie's Baby Poindexter DVDs]
- Bart: Dad, what are you watching?
- Homer: I think it's a Terrence Malick movie.
- Homer: We're taking Maggie to the bookstore, so she can learn the way kids did from 1910 to 2002.
- [last lines]
- Homer: Why, you little...! That's not a heartwarming thing to end on!
- Lisa: [as Homer changes channels, sees "Swamp Huffers"] Um...
(sees "American Tattoo Burner-Offers) oh!
(sees "Autopsy Wars") Ugh!
(sees "Coackroach Tervention") Eek!
(sees "Wheelchair Thieves of Beverly Hills") Yikes!
(sees "Porn Hoarders") Oh.
(sees "One Big Happy Hobo Taxidermy Family") Ew.
(sees "Roadkill Cook-Off") Ugh.
(sees "Everglades Gay Wedding Chapel") Well...
(sees "Cough Syrup Bandit) ew!
(sees "American Junk Piercers") Ah!
(sees "Skunk People") Dad!
(sees "Tiny Horses, Tiny Glue Factory") Nope!
(sees "Toddlers and Tarantulas", screams)
(sees "Meth Boss") Whoa.
(sees "Crocodile Matchmaker") Seriously?
(sees "Porn Hoarders: Texas", shrieks)
- Bart: [to Lisa] Your father wasted his life his whole life being married to your mother and having you. We got to find him a boyfriend before it's too late.
- Lisa: Why don't you put a personal ad on the Internet? That's how young people date these days.
- Bart: It's weird that you don't consider yourself a young person.
- Lisa: I know. It's weird to me too.
- Grampa: I don't ride side-saddle. I'm as straight as a submarine.
- Burns: Hello, Smithers. Fancy seeing you in casual encounter park.
- Homer: Oh, my gay dad is gay for gays.
- Homer: Writing is for bathroom walls and acting is for getting out of DUIs.
- Hibbert: You may never see a film in 3D again. [chuckles]
- Homer: But the storytelling is finally catching up to the technology.
- Lisa: Why does someone become a bully?
- Jimbo: Neglect.
- Dolph: Abuse.
- Kearney: I'm a Cubs fan.
- Ned: [after seeing a weird church in the devilish cave] No, not Surf n Murf!
- Edna: I know you feel guilty about about cold-cocking Homer.
- Ned: Please don't use that word in bed.
- Ned: I want you to punch me in the eye. If you do, then we're even according to Exodus, Leviticus, and Matthew.
- Homer: You went and hired a law firm, eh. That's pretty aggressive.
- Ned: Come on, Homer. I'm insisting on a fisting.
- Smithers: What's this about a fisting?
- [Ned comes home and finds his parents and Homer smoking marijuana and watching TV]
- Ned: Homer, I can't believe you're partaking with my parents.
- Homer: Yeah, it's medicinal; we had a pain in our neck!
- Burns: How much for your entire collection?
- Comic Book Guy: Um, the speed of light expressed in dollars.
- Burns: [to Smithers] Just give him Faraday's constant.
- Martin: Who could have shoved eggs up our brass?
- Cletus: Egg don't belong in a chicken's eye. It belongs in her pee-poo-birth-hole.
- Lisa: Bart must not be judged by these kids. But by a jury...of kids, mostly these kids...there's only so many kids.
- Bart: Pass the gravy, Gloria All-Wrong.
- Homer: Listen, we swore we'd never go to sleep angry at each other.
- Marge: I'm not going to sleep.
- Homer: Well, you didn't have two beers with your lunch.
- Homer: Marge, I thought this was an innocuous lunch, but it's become terribly ocuous.
- Marge: The most romantic part of this was the hold music when I made the reservation.
- Waiter: I hope you are enjoying your sushi.
- Marge: It's as yummy as your poorly produced local commercial says.
- Homer: Well, I'm not one for taking new jobs on a whim. But as we say in the snow plow business, I'm your astronaut.
- Helen: Why won't someone blame the children?
- Moe: Bring out your beds. Bring out your beds.
- Homer: Boy, why are your friends so dirty?
- Bart: Dunno. Why are your friends such drunks?
- Homer: Touche.
- Homer: Hehehe, the brain is so stupid.
- Lenny: [as the frog licks his own eyeball] Ow! He took my contact. [the frog licks his own eyeball again] Ow! Now I got two in own eye.
- [Everyone started panicking about frogs.]
- Moe: Remember you said when hell freezes over? I think this is close enough.
- Lindsay: Huh, I'm in no position to argue.
- Moe: [strict] Oh, that tears it! No more delays!
- Milhouse: Did you ever wonder if hippopotamuses think that rhinos are unicorns?
- Homer: My head hairs! I'm bald!
- Moe: There's sexy bald like...uh...Babar, king of the elephants. I read his books as a kid. He married his cousin Celeste. That was my takeaway.
- Martin: Let me go. I have a swim lesson with a gorgeous lifeguard.
- Dolph: What gender?
- Martin: You're not allowed to ask.
- Homer: We don't get together to share our emotions. We get together to escape them!
- Carl: Why don't we talk about it over at Moe's?
- Homer: It's not even noon.
- Carl: Yeah, I got a watch, egghead.
- Homer: Sorry, Carl, it's WWII all over again. America kicks Iceland's ass.
- Homer: And I'm 69 because people always laugh when you say "69." Hehe, no one knows why.
- Homer: [realizes the pop-up ad "Ki-Yah! Karate Monsters"] What the? Change the channel? But I'm watching soft core tennis!
- Moe: Yeah, I always go with three, the number of brothers and sisters I, uh, Hunger Gamed in the womb.
- Patty: So, now you're going to get hit on by ever loser in town.
- Selma: And this town has losers like Mexico has headless corpses.
- Homer: Hey, those Yelp reviews don't write themselves. Did you know a well-placed one-star could destroy a "Mom and Pop" hardware in nothing flat?
- Homer: Just call me Borders Books 'cause I'll always be here.
- Ben: Accidental motherhood is the best thing that can happen to a woman.
- Ben: Whoa!, A is for apple, right?
