Patty: I'm about to say something I never thought I'd say to you... Something nice.
Patty: I only mock you because I'm jealous of what Marge has on you. I only have Selma, and now I don't even have that.
Homer: Oh, Patty, I waited so long for you to open a window of niceness.
Patty: No, that was it, window shut.
Groundskeeper Willie: Eh, what's the penalty for... driving a tractor drunk through a... renaissance fair?
Patty: Can't help you! I might be having a stroke! I have to consult a competent medical professional! [types on a medicine website "Have I had a stroke?"] Hmm... Got that, got that... m-Hmm... Who doesn't have that? [groans] Is anyone here to get an ambulance license?
Comic Book Guy: That'll be mine!
Patty: Here you go! [gives him a license]
Comic Book Guy: I lied! [runs away]
Marge: Now, put your good clothes on.
Lisa: I'm already in a dress and pearls, and I'm 8 years old.
[Bart enters the music room looking for Mr. Largo. A classic violin music plays on the background]
Bart: Mr. Largo? Hmm, something's wrong. That music is in tune...
Sideshow Bob: Hello, Bart!
Bart: Aah! Sideshow Bob!!
Sideshow Bob: 'Twas I who texted you... using Milhouse's phone! Did you know his wallpaper is American Girl Doll? Now let me put this in terms that a young boy would understand: [he opens a violin case and takes out a harpoon gun, then aims it at Bart while he speaks] you and I have danced a grand pas de deux worthy of Nijinsky, but this... is... the final... plié!
Bart: [unamused] Yawn. You couldn't kill me with that thing if I drew an "X" on my forehead. [he does so with blue chalk, then makes a taunting dance] Bob and a spear gun, sitting in a tree, S-U-C-K-I-N- [Bob shoots him with the gun, impaling him in the chest; he doesn't seem fazed, at first] Ha! Nice try, Bob, but I'm sure you made some... [he starts to falter] stupid... mistake...
Sideshow Bob: Not this time. [yanks the spear projectile from Bart's chest, pulling out his heart]
Bart: [in a weaker voice] Tell my father... he's... fat... [dies]
Sideshow Bob: [smiles in triumph] The deed is done. 24 years of trying to kill a ten-year-old child have finally paid off.
[Sideshow Bob has invented a Reanimator machine in the basement that can resurrect Bart]
Sideshow Bob: And now, Bart, let's bring the old "spark" back to our special relationship! [He pulls the lever and activates the machine; in a second, Bart is born anew with no ill effects]
Bart: [gets sassy] You couldn't kill me if I came in with pneumonia and a knife in my back. [Bob pulls out a sledgehammer and kills him again with one whack on the head]
Sideshow Bob: I didn't care for the "thwock" the sledgehammer made. [tosses the hammer and returns to the Reanimator] No worries, I'll just kill him again. [activates the Reanimator again and revives Bart]
Bart: [with a confident smile] That's why I'm the Unkillable Kid. [Bob arrives and hits him with the sledgehammer again, this time in the stomach, but nothing happens] Still not dead. [Bob gets annoyed and whacks him on the head again] Psych! [Bob then gets infuriated and whacks him in a frenzy] Ay carumba! [the whacking continues until his guts spill out and he finally succumbs to his wounds]
Sideshow Bob: We're both going to be sore tomorrow! [cackles in glee and revives Bart again, starting a death montage]
[Sideshow Bob, revived as a mix-and-match critter, finishes T.S. Eliot's "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" he reads to the students at Springfield University]
Sideshow Bob: "...By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown."
[to the students] Any questions?
Female Student 3: [with Bart relaxing next to her] Yes, what are you supposed to be again?
Sideshow Bob: [responds in annoyance] A full professor! But the tenure committee is excruciatingly slow. [He looks up at Bart and mutters with a "Why I oughtta..." and grunting before he gives off a cluck like a chicken and lays an egg that rolls in front of him. At once, he feels humiliated and embarrassed.]
Lisa: Grampa, everyone in town thinks you are foolish.
Grampa Simp-san: Who is more foolish---the fool, or the fool who thinks the fool a fool?
Bart: What the hell does that mean, Grampa-san?
Grampa Simp-san: For centuries, our family has made a daily offering of a special donut to a slumbering underwater sea creature, so that he does not rise and destroy us all. [Bart and Lisa laugh]
Bart: He is foolish!
Lisa: So foolish! [laughs and turns to Grampa Simp-san] Doesn't mean you are not special.
Milhouse: Okay, guys. My cellphone is somewhere in that pulsing ooze. Now each grab one ankle while I dive in!
Lisa: We have to be careful, Milhouse. There's no telling what that stu-- Bart! What are you doing?!
Bart: [with a green "beard" made from the ooze] Madam, how do you do?
Lisa: [offscreen voice] You don't know what that stuff is doing to you!
Bart: Oh, it's just the same junk Dad brings us home from work! [reveals that the ooze is radioactive waste from the nuclear plant] To us Simpsons, this green goop is mother's m-- [a bubble with the radioactive ooze blows up, throwing them out of the hole]
Jay: [to Apu] That's exactly what I'm talking to you about. You're my uncle and I love you, but you're a stereotype, man. Take a penny, leave a penny. I'm Indian, I do yoga. Why don't you go back to the Temple of Doom, Dr. Jones!
Apu: This stereotype will no longer be a troublesome potato in your spicy vindaloo!
Jay: I was kind of a douchewheel.
Apu: Even your way of apologizing offends me.
Lisa: Bart, wait! I like the new you. Listen, before you flip those circuit breakers, look deep in your sister's eyes and tell me what you see.
Bart: I see love.
Lisa: Unconditional love.
Bart: Which means I can so whatever I want!
Mayor Quimby: Springfield has more handicapped parking spots for fat guys than any other non-Chicago city.
Apu: [reads a Playdude magazine] Before I die, I would like to know just what is in these nudie magazines.
Sanjay: What is it, brother?
Apu: An interview with... Jim Gaffigan.
Apu: Quick & Fresh? Who spells "quick" with a "Q"?
Marge: Oh, Apu, it's good to see you doing so well. I know you can't turn your head, but you've got a great view. Oh! Are you okay?
Homer: Marge, he's got nine lives.
Apu: I am a Hindu, sir, not a cat. I have infinite lives during some of which I may be a cat. In those I do have nine.
Power Plant Employee: Hey, Professor, I didn't know you worked here at the plant!
Professor Frink: I consult! Sometimes they listen, sometimes not. People have died... [whispering] You didn't hear that from me!
Power Plant Employee: So, who are you here with?
Professor Frink: Well, no one as yet. But I haven't turned on the old Frink charm! [to a woman] Hello there. vo-ivy. [she ignores him and enters the reactor core room, making Frank sad] Well, there's, uh... no mistaking that message.
[Smithers saves Mr. Burns' life after a parachute jump gone wrong]
Mr. Burns: [steps on Smithers' head] I did it! All by myself! [looks at Waylon] Oh, Smithers, do you always have to be underfoot?
Smithers: Sorry, sir. If there was a less spectacular way to save your life, I... I should've found it.
Smithers: Mr. Burns, coming down I... I thought we weren't gonna make it, and I thought I'd never get to say something I've always wanted to. The truth is, sir, I'm in love with...
Mr. Burns: The sound of your own voice? Yes, well, no dogwood, I, listening to the nightingale trill her unending tune! Don't take this the wrong way, but you mean nothing to me. Someone I give less thought to than the little piece of popcorn stuck in my tooth. Ooh, can you remove it? [Smithers removes the popcorn stuck in Burn's teeth] I'll see you back at the office. Don't be late!
[Bart prepares his money pulling prank and Hans Moleman is walking down the street]
Bart: Ah, my first sucker! [chuckles]
Moleman: Oh, a dollar. Now I can have lunch! [tries to grab the bill when his glasses fell, making him see perfectly]Hmm?! It's a trick! I never needed these. [throws his glasses and walks away. Bart groans]
Cletus: Oh, lookie here, it's the old fishing line on a dollar bill prank. Man, even a backwoods, no account, inbred, lead-paint-eating, kerosene-huffing, roadkill-chomping, uh... what was my point? [walks away]
Kirk: [to Luann] That is a practical joke, Luann. Which is too bad, because I desperately need that dollar. Yeah, I could also use the fishing line to get some dinner.
Luann: Bart, if Milhouse is hiding with you, tell him he has to shop for school clothes. [Milhouse comes out from behind the bushes]
Milhouse: Yay!! School clothes!
Bart: [to Homer, who's watching football] Dad, I'm worried. No one is falling for my pranks anymore!
Homer: Son, I know this seems like the biggest disappointment of your life, but trust me, there are going to be so many more. What you've got to remember is... Oh my God, 13 men in the field! Review it, review it, review it! Yes!! Play stands!
Lisa: Mom, I've been working on a new solo jazz piece.
Marge: [groans] Can I hear it? [Lisa starts playing her jazz solo]
Homer: Oh, I'd love to stay and listen, but I'm late for work! [leaves and comes back with Snowball V] Here's another super-fan to hear you lay down your licks! [leaves, comes back, puts glasses and a beret on Snowball V and leaves again]
Marge: Did you put the baby to sleep? [Maggie wakes up]
Homer: Oh... I can't read that again. I hate to see a wolf get punished for having normal appetites.
Homer: Okay, sweetie, I got a story about another little girl who got lost in the woods, but it wasn't a girl, and it wasn't the woods. [Maggie sucks her pacifier] Suck, suck indeed! And it all happened once upon a time, before you were born, and my chances for a man cave went out the window.
Rev. Lovejoy: Bless you all for sacrificing your Saturday afternoon to help us clean up skid row.
Homer: When God came for Sunday I said nothing. Now he comes for Saturday.
Ned: Homer Simpson, it's one thing to moan and groan on the bus, but in front of these unfortunates, well... [scoffs] that just curls my 'stache! [his mustache curls a bit]
Homer: Hey, Flanders, why don't you take some advice from your Bible and zip it?
Ned: Oh, where does the Bible say "zip it"!?
Homer: It's the first thing the burning bush said to Moses! [a homeless man approaches Homer]
Homeless Man: Thank you for teaching us Scripture. [hugs Homer while he shows his tongue to Ned] Thank you.
Chief Wiggum: [at the evidence locker] Let's see... Present for Ralph, present for Ralph... Ooh, what do we have here? [grabs a crossbow] Boy, Ralph would kill himself with this in two seconds. And somehow it'd be my fault.
[Chief Wiggum leaves the evidence locker whistling and encounters with Lou]
Chief Wiggum: Uh... You heard me whistling there, right? That indicates innocence.
Lou: Uh.. Proclaiming your innocence indicates guilt.
Chief Wiggum: Uh, yeah? Well, what does that mean? Skiddily bop and bah!
[he runs outside the door, enters on a car and drives away]
Bart: Okay, so, at a Ralph party, always get to the cake before...
[they see the cake deformed as Ralph's face]
Lisa: Too late!
Bart: Oh my treehouse sucks.
Nelson: Haw-Haw! You have class envy!
Mrs. Muntz: Nelson, honey, I told you to stop sayin' "haw-haw".
Nelson: Give me a dollar and I'll stop.
Mrs. Muntz: I don't got a dollar!
Marge: Do you want to practice your speech on me?
Homer: [chuckles] No need, honey! Same speech I give every year. The opening joke about Lenny's grandma always kills.
Marge: You can't joke about her. They just put her on life support.
Homer: What?! No! She's the linchpin!
Marge: It's okay, it's okay. Everyone is terrified of public speaking. But just in case, I'll defrost a failure ham.
Homer: You don't have faith in me! I have savers! If I get heckled, I'll say, "Get a half-life!".
[Marge stares at him]
Marge: I'm sure that'll be funny to them.
Marge: Ooh. Throwing away your "No Girls" sign? Is it time for you to have "the talk" with your dad? Because he's gonna have to read a few things first.
Bart: No! I'm tearing it down. Ralph has a cool treehouse, and mine sucks.
Marge: Well, Bart, your father built it, and he did the very best he could.
[a flashback shows Homer building the treehouse on a sapling]
Homer: I did my job. Now it's your turn, tree! Get growing!
Marge: I'll tell you what, why don't I spruce it up for you? Huh?
Bart: But you're an inside grown-up. Moms can't build treehouses.
Marge: You realize that saying that is gonna make this mom work her keister off to make you the best darn treehouse you ever saw!
Bart: Sounds good!
Homer: [during Gracie Films/20th Century Fox logos] Waiting on the pants. Oh Bart, not culottes! No!
Homer: [on a phone call with Marge] Marge, baby, I'm out the door.
Marge: Are you sure? Because sometimes people say they're out the door when they really haven't left yet.
Homer: Those people are horrible, horrible liars. See you soon! [hangs up the phone]
Mr. Burns: Simpson! Not so fast. Hold up one end of this poster! [Homer and Smithers hold a "Safety first, last and always" poster] Now use it to conceal this. [they close a leak with the poster] Excellent. Now, let me just crank up the plumb bob to determine the vertical marvel, we'll have this poster level in under three hours!
Lisa: [dressed as a seahorse] Mom! Mom! My costume for the science play is all wrong!
Marge: You said you were a seahorse!
Lisa: A male seahorse, with a pouch!
Marge: Males have pouches?
Lisa: Male seahorses' nurturing is one of the wonders of the world. You said you read the script!
Marge: Bart gave me a synopsis, I... [realizes that Bart made up the synopsis] Oh boy.
[Maggie spills her carrots and peas on Marge]
Bart: Mom, I'll clean that up for you.
Marge: Oh, thank God, some help.
Bart: Where's the mop?
Marge: In the mop closet.
Bart: Where's the bucket?
Marge: Under the mop! [Bart opens a closet] Other closet! [he opens the second closet and some things fall from it]
Bart: There's stuff in front of it. [Marge groans] Let me help! [grabs a box and two bottles fall from it and start crossing the floor] Ay caramba! Hey, there's wood underneath this linoleum.
Marge: Oh! Just go play outside.
Bart: Outside? Your loss.
Bart: Hey, Martin.
Martin: Bartholomew! This playground has safely stimulated my imagination.
Bart: What the hell are you talking about?
Martha: Martin! [chuckles] Who's your new friend?
Martin: [whispering] Mother, don't blow this for me!
Martha: Fine, I'll just go sit and talk to his mother. Where is she?
Bart: I'm here by myself. But I have a safety number! [calls a number on his phone]
Moe: Moe's Tavern. Homer ain't here, and for once, that's the truth. [Martha calls the police]
Chief Wiggum: Simpson, are you here unsupervised?
Bart: Yeah, and so what?
Chief Wiggum: I'd lose the attitude, "Sylvester Alone"! [Lou chuckles] Finally, a laugh out of Lou! Son, kids aren't allowed on their own anymore, now who said you could come here?