The Simpsons/Season 17
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The Simpsons (1989–present) is an American animated sitcom broadcast by the Fox Broadcasting Company created by Matt Groening. The series is a satirical depiction of American life, epitomized by the Simpson family.
- Homer: All right! I'll let you shoot your gay adult film at my house.
- Fat Tony: I never said anything about gay.
- Homer: I thought you guys were the gay mafia.
- (Homer is once again hit with the hammers)
- Homer: Ow!
- Diner Cook: Oh yes. Senora left with a rugged yet sensitive man of science.
- Homer: (worried) Rugged? Is that the same thing as 'handsome'?
- Diner Cook: Oh no. Handsome means he looks at himself in the mirror. Rugged means you look at him.
- Homer: (groans)
- Marge: Whatever happened to please and thank you?
- Homer: I think they killed each other. You know, one of those murder-suicide deals.
- Homer: Lisa, when you've sustained as many blows to the head as I have, consistency becomes a.. something... something.. I love you Bart!
- Homer: "Stamps rule! I mean, suck!"
- Marge: [spots at a construction out the window] It's a little too spooky for me! And I don't even like watching counting vampires. Go back to your own country!
- [Maggie has chickenpox]
- Marge: Homer, don't touch her, you've never had chickenpox.
- Homer: I know, and you did and you're great.
- Marge: Oh, I'm just saying it's very dangerous if you get it as an adult. It could leave you sterile, down there.
- Homer: Ugh, you always gotta work blue don't you Marge?
- Homer leaves, but pokes his head through
- Homer: You're better than that.
- Homer: Well, me thinks the lady doth protest too much.
- Marge: You don't trust me? After I salved every chicken pock on your ungrateful body? How dare you?
- Homer: I'm still waiting for that "no.
- Marge: Get out of this house!
- Homer: Gladly! [angrily grabs his suitcase and opens the refrigerator door to packs the food out from the refrigerator, closes his suitcase, leaves the house]
- Bart: This is all my fault! I planted Mom's bra in Milhouse's parents' bed!
- Homer: Why, you little...! (starts strangling Bart)
- Marge: Homer, I can save you both. Just let go of the rock!
- Homer whimpers in fear
- Marge: Just do it! Trust me!
- Homer: Okay.
- Homer releases the rock as Marge, with a rope tied to her ankle and the tree, lunges after her son and husband. Homer grabs onto her hair, whilst Bart grabs onto Homer's leg, hanging on for dear life.
- Bart: Mom, Dad, I'd give a kajillion dollars for you two to get back together.
- Homer: Make it 2 kajillion.
- Marge: Homer!
- Homer: We'll lose the first kajillion to taxes.
- Announcer: We're here at game six of the World Series. The highlights so far: a cloud shaped like a giraffe that floated by during the rain delay. Oh, would you look at that? The Batter just called 'time out' again. Now, let's look in the stands at the players' wives. Well, what do you know? They're talking on cellphones. No doubt complaining about the good life.
- Kang: This is the most boring game in all the universe!
- Kodos: And with all the steroids they take, the players look like freaks!
- Both: Freaks! Freaks!
- Mini Kodos: (emerges from the left side of Kodos) Freaks! Freaks! Freaks! (Kodos bites her conjoined baby and eats it)
- Announcer: And next week on FOX, catch the new O.C. spin-off, Pomona. It's even hotter away from the beach. Mm-mmm.
- Kang: If we don't speed up this game, the Simpsons Halloween Special won't air until Administrative Professionals' Day!
- Kodos: Speaking of which, we must remember to get Dorothy something. (She holds a picture of them with Dorothy, with both making love sounds. Kang then looks at a baseball player who blows bubble gum very slowly.)
- Kang: The boredom is excruciating! Fire the Accele-Ray!
- Dr. Hibbert: I'm afraid that your son is in a deep coma, and may never wake up.
- Homer: Well, at least he's not dead.
- Dr. Hibbert: I should say so. This way, I can keep billing you!
- (After getting shot in manhunt, Apu is reincarnated into a rabbit)
- Apu: Ha, ha! You can't kill a Hindu!
- (Hops away, and then gets his tail caught in a bear trap.)
- Apu: AGH! Help me, Jesus!
- Marge: (to Bart) The last thing I want is for you to turn into that! (Points to Principal Skinner)
- Principal Skinner: (Looks behind him) What? The wall?
- [Jimbo, Dolph and Kearney stand outside the Simpsons' house and sing My Sharona]
- Jimbo/Dolph/Kearney: (singing) Ooh, my little pretty one, my pretty one. When you gonna give me some time, Sharona. Ooh, you make my motor run, my motor run. Got it comin' off of the line, Sharona. Never gonna stop, give it up, such a dirty mind. I always get it up for the touch of the younger kind. My, my, my, aye-aye, whoa!
- [A trophy is thrown through the window at the bullies.]
- Homer: [offscreen] That song is a pop music footnote. [pause] I didn't say stop.
- Jimbo/Dolph/Kearney: (singing) M-m-m-my Sharona!
- Quimby: Who the hell are you?
- Quimby's Nephew: Your press secretary.
- Quimby: I knew I should have hired my nephew!
- Quimby's Nephew: I am your nephew.
- Quimby: Okay, so I stink! Tough Toblerone! Read the charter people! I can't be removed from office... except by a simple recall election... please disregard that last part!
- Homer: I will run for mayor!
- Lisa: And I'll be your campaign manager!
- Homer: And I'll find out what a Mayor does! (Gets some Beer) Expand my brain, learning juice!
- Homer: Marge, without this outfit I'm just Homer Simpson, multiple felon. With it I'm a costumed hero like George Washington, or Dame Edna!
- Announcer: And now, we return to the Vic Tayback Hotel & Casino in Downtown Las Vegas for Has-Been Celebrity Poker.
- Host: As always, all our celebrities are playing for charity.
- Krusty: What?! I am so out of here!
- Marge: My husband has forgot our last three anniversaries, he made a badminton net out of my wedding dress, which he never uses, and last week, he called out his bowling ball's name during sex!!!
- Homer: Wait a minute, if she's going bird watching then why did she leave her Peterson's Guide to Bird Watching? (Looks inside) (gasps) Road Runners are real?
- Lou: Sometimes it's easier to be cruel than to say what we really feel
- Brandine: [to Cletus] You are the most wonderful husband - and son - I ever had.
- Homer: (Upon hearing that Sideshow Bob has a wife and son) Holy moly! I always thought you were, you know, out loud and proud.
- Sideshow Bob: Well, I experimented in college, as one does.
- Homer: Yeah, I never went to college.
- Sideshow Bob: [sarcastic] Stop the presses.
- Marge: (looking in an Italian-to-English dictionary) vendetta means... vendetta!
(All the Simpsons scream)
- Caligatus Lou: Gee, chief, I feel pretty bad trying to take out a baby.
- Centurion Wiggum: Ah, don't worry, boys. No one will ever speak or write of this again.
- (we then see Matthew, with a scroll entitled "The Gospel According to Matthew")
- Matthew (begins writing): What a boffo beginning for my book!
- Abraham Simpson: [After Japanese fighter planes shoot down his brother, Cyrus] You'll pay for that, you haiku-spouting savages!
- Bart: I'll cut you a deal, I'll give you Milhouse.
- Principal Skinner: (upclose) I don't want Milhouse.
- Milhouse: Sounds like my parents' custody hearing.
- Pilot: (over intercom) Welcome to Atlanta folks, please remain seated until the aircraft has come to a complete stop.
- Bart: (looking up at the fasten seat belt sign) Nobody tells Bart Simpson what to do!
- (He takes off his seatbelt and an alarm sounds)
- Pilot: Thanks a lot 33C! Now we have to fly all the way back to Minneapolis. And I'm very tired!
- (The rest of the passengers groan in disgust as the plane does a U-turn and takes off again)
- Bart: Well, Homer, looks like I can't go to discipline camp. Which is too bad, 'cause I think this was the thing that would finally straighten me out.
- Homer: [angrily grabs Bart by his shirt] Oh, yeah? You're going to that camp 'cause I'm going to drive you there.
- Bart: Yeah, that will be way more fun than Vegas.
- Homer: Stupid Bart, makes me drive to Oregon, home of unspoiled forests, birthplace of Matt Groening.
- Bart: Dad, neither of us wanna go, why are you doing this? Where's the old carefree Homer who likes to cut loose?
- Homer: You mean Fun Homer? I'm afraid Serious Homer has him locked up till you're at your snooty torture camp.
- Bart: Fight back, Fun Homer! Together we can win!
- Homer: It's no use!
- (Zooms to inside Homer's head)
- Fun Homer: (locked in two energy cage rings like in Superman II) Aw come on, Serious Homer, let me out! We'll get a monkey drunk and push him down the stairs!
- Serious Homer: (whacks Fun Homer with his rifle) I'll kill you, the way I killed Intellectual Homer!
- (Zooms to dead Intellectual Homer, with "ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny" written in his blood)
- [Homer briefly stops at the Mount Rushmore, just shrugs his shoulders, says "Eh" and drives on]
- Bart: Come on, Dad, we've got a long way to go, you can't stay mad at me the whole time!
- Homer: Boy, if you were half as smart as you think you are, you'd clean up your act!
- Bart: Well, maybe pulling pranks is the only thing I'm good at.
- Homer: Well, at least you have something you're good at. I'm 38 years old, driving a crappy car, with a son who doesn't respect me, and I'm one Snickers pie away from losing my foot to diabetes! Mmmm... Snickers pie... (salivating)
- [Homer is trapped in the car, dangling over a cliff edge. Bart appears behind him]
- Homer: Boy, push down on the bumper! Then I can back the car up and save myself!
- Bart: [suspicious] If I save you, what are you going to do to me?
- Homer: [calmly] Shower you with love, because this experience has taught me just how precious you are! [Bart pushes down on the bumper, at which point Homer goes berserk] I'll kill you, I'll kill your whole family!
- [Bart releases the bumper]
- Homer: [calmly] Kidding! I'm kidding! We can do that, we have a special friendship!
- [Bart pushes down]
- Homer: [angry] I'm gonna double-kill you! Then I'm gonna bury you in a shallow grave! Then I'm gonna dig you up and kill you again: that's the beauty of a shallow grave!
- [Bart releases the bumper]
- Homer: [calm] Oh you sweet little angel! I'm gonna...
- [Bart pushes down]
- Homer: [angry]...rip your head off and spit down...
- '[Bart releases the bumper]
- Homer: [calm]...your adorable little neck because I...
- [Bart pushes down]
- Homer: [angry]...wanna smash your stupid little head!
- [Bart releases the bumper]
- Homer: [calm] Oh but I love you! We'll go on a fishing trip...
- [Bart pushes down]
- Homer: [angry] But first I'm gonna put you in a sawmill! Then push your little face down, that's what I'm gonna do!
[Lisa arrives home and listens two messages in the answering machine]
- Marge: Homer, I hope you get this: I'm in jail and I need $10,000 bail. Hurry!
- Homer: Uhh, Marge, me and Bart got in a fight with this really uncool pit boss, and now we're in Nevada State Prison. Also, I don't know where Bart is. If you see him say, "Hey"!
- Lisa: Well, Maggie, I always knew that someday it would boil down to just you and me; I'll look for work in the morning.
- Bart: (addressing Willie) That job has been taken by the lower guy on the totem pole.
- Mr. Largo: (Having the tractor on top of the school) How did I get up here?!
- The Simpsons fall into a hole. Homer is too fat to get through.
- Homer: I'm stuck and I have to pee (short break) Now I'm just stuck.
- Burns: I had to start up from the bottom to get my fortune back. And to get to the bottom, I had to work my way up from Moe's.
- Moe: (retelling the story of his tragic romance with Edna) I was the happiest guy in the world, but fate likes to play a little game called 'Up Yours, Moe.'
- Moe: Barney, how do you keep getting back in?
- Barney: I'm a drunk, I don't know nothin' about how I do anything.
- The Rich Texan: I'm gonna win me a Nuclear Plant.
- Burns: Dream on Bitch!
- Homer: Hey Moe. (Angrily) Thanks to you I've been sober all week!
- Rod and Todd are bored.
- Rod: Daddy, what are we gonna do today?
- Ned Flanders: Well, we're gonna do what every kid your age likes to do: look at bread.
- Marge: Where's Bart? I haven't seen him since you came home.
- Homer: (Sarcastically) Oh, you haven't seen Bart for a few hours, so you automatically assume I let something terrible happen.
- Marge: I didn't say that.
- Homer: (still sarcastic) I know what you think... when stupid Homer wasn't looking, Bart got kidnapped by a monkey.
- Marge: (concerned) I could never think something that horrible!
- Homer: (still sarcastic) And now I'm using sarcasm to confess the whole thing, so later I can say that I already told you!
- Marge: Sorry I asked. (leaves)
- Lisa: Dad, you can't keep this up for long.
- Homer: (still sarcastic) Oh, you're so right, I guess I should be more concerned with Bart's safety than covering my own butt! And maybe I'm talking like this, because I can't stop! HELP ME LISA! I HAVE SERIOUS MENTAL PROBLEMS!
- Nelson: [in response to Lisa's revelation of Mr. Teeny being Toot-Toot's son] But Krusty said Mr. Teeny was born in Funny Town.
- Lisa: Nelson, Funny Town doesn't exist.
- Nelson: Nooo! I was gonna live at Cuckoo Corners!
- Homer: All right, pal. I've made a diagram of all the places on Marge you're not allowed to touch. (shows diagram) Especially the hair!
- Charles: Oh, not to worry. I'm a bit of an elbow man myself. Bit different...bit weird...not sexual.
- Homer: You take forever to say nothing.
- Charles: Where is she? Where is that soul sucking she-beast I call sweetums?
- (Charles' wife, Verity walks in with Patty)
- Verity: Charles, I'm leaving you.
- Patty: You snooze, you lose!
- Charles: (astounded) You're leaving me for him!?
- Homer: So it would seem, but Cousin It there was born a woman!
- Patty: What brought us together is how much we hate you!
- Homer: Yeah!? Well I'm gonna vote 'No' on Proposition 72 so you can't adopt! (Patty twists Homer's arm) Kidding! Kidding! I don't vote! The polling station's up a hill and I never make it!
- Lisa: Why must we share them with the world?
- Homer: Because we'll be on TV, and earn enough money to buy a TV... TV!
- Lisa: But Dad!
- Homer: Yes, TV-sa?
- Lisa: Forget it...
- Homer: (angrily) You're an useless old man! Name one thing you do for this family.
- Abe: I watch the baby.
- Marge: Where is the baby?
- Abe: (surprised) You left me with a baby?!?
- Abe: A doctor?! I already got enough doctors touching me and poking me and squeezing me up here and jiggling me down there, and that's just the receptionist!
- Comic Book Guy: (after Richard is kidnapped) Whoa! He's gone!
- Doug: There must be a Stargate in this stadium!
- Benjamin: Everybody look for it!
- Comic Book Guy: Wait, wait! I have some even more exciting news! There's a girl in the audience!
- Benjamin: Everybody look for her!
- (the nerds close in on Willie)
- Willie: This is a kilt! And I'm not a girl!
- Squeaky-Voiced Teen: You're the closest we'll ever get! Get him!
- Bart: So, Mr. Burns, you're saying my dad has gone insane, and thinks he's a god, and broken off all contact with the outside world?
- Smithers: I told you Simpson was a poor choice, sir.
- Mr. Burns: You know, Smithers, "I told you so" has a brother. His name is, "Shut the hell up"!
- Mr. Burns: Well, I guess we'll have to find a place where the workers are more desperate and ignorant...Springfield!
- Sea Captain: Perhaps an old sea yarn might pass the time. (pauses for a moment) Too bad I don't know any.
- Lisa: I know one, about the most important sea voyage in American history — the journey of the Mayflower.
- Sea Captain: Aw, yes. The ship that brought prostitutes to America.
- Lisa: Not prostitutes, Protestants.
- Sea Captain: Now who's being naive?
- Captain Seymour Bligh: (over speaker) Welcome to Day 718 of our voyage. First off, in an attempt to preserve water, you will not be given any water. (crew groans) And also, because of a sketch of myself having romantic congress with a mer-man (shows the offending picture) I am dumping all your mail from home into the sea. (Willie does so) And I can assure you that there were cookies in there. Good cookies, the kind only a loving mother or Milhouse's father could bake.
- Second Officer Milhouse: My father's alive?
- Seymour Bligh: No, he died while baking. It's all in the letter. (He throws the Milhouse's father's letter outside the window)
- Principal Skinner [phonily]: Am I wearing women's clothes? I didn't notice. When I look in my closet, I don't see male clothes or female clothes, they're all the same.
- Edna Krabappel: [arms crossed] Are you saying that men and women are identical?
- Skinner: Oh, no, of course not! Women are unique in every way.
- Lindsay Nagel: [arms crossed] Now he's saying women and men aren't equal!
- Skinner: [getting nervous] No, no, no! It's the differences...of which there are none, that make the sameness...exceptional! [desperately] Just tell me what to say!
- [Skinner hyperventilates and faints]
- [Homer and Marge are in bed.]
- Homer: So... do you wanna... "wang chung tonight"?
- Marge: I don't know. I'm still frowny with you. Do you really think women are mentally inferior?
- Homer: [shifting his eyes nervously] Well, uh, uh, honey, you're just as smart as a man. Sometimes when I'm with you, I feel like I'm doing it with a dude.
- [Marge groans, then scene cuts to Homer sleeping on the couch]
- Homer: Oh, why did women invent sleeping on the couch? Oh. Well, I won't be lonely. I can always cuddle with the dog. [cuddles Santa's Little Helper] Mmm. At least everyone knows I'm smarter than you!
- [scene cuts to Homer sleeping in the doghouse]
- Homer: Oh, how did this happen?
- Bart: [to Lisa] Do you know why you did good at math?
- Melanie Upfoot: "Did well."
- Superintendent Chalmers: Ah, give it a rest, Melanie.
- Melanie Upfoot: Calling me by my first name is harassment!
- Superintendent Chalmers: Well, in for a penny, in for a pound! [grabs Melanie and kisses her]
- Melanie Upfoot: [charmed] Oh, Superintendent...!
- Maid 1: "You know what I found in their dirty clothes hamper? DIRTY CLOTHES!"
- Maid 2: "I found a hair in the drain! Not a fine, upstanding head hair, but a curly-wurly!"
- Maids: "UNTIDY! UNTIDY! UNTIDY!"
- (shamrock wipe to reality)
- Marge: (Hastily) Untidy! Untidy! Untidy!
- Homer: When will Marge remember us?
- Dr. Hibbert: It's hard to say. With retrograde amnesia such as this, the patient could forget years and years of her life. You just have to keep jogging her memory until it works.
- Homer: Awww! Jogging?
- Dr. Hibbert: I didn't say you should be jogging.
- Homer: Sweet!
- Dr. Hibbert: Although you should be jogging.
- Homer: Aww! Jogging?
- Homer: See that ball of fire? That's the sun. It goes by many names: Apollo's Lantern, day moon, Old Blazey. The important thing is never to touch it.
- Marge: I know what the sun is!
- Homer: Yes, now you do.
- Homer: Time to do what I do best, ruin it for everybody.
- Marge: Go ahead, Maggie. You're allowed to touch the deadly weapons.
- (Maggie picks up a pen-knife)
- Marge: Ooh! It's a mugger! I'll hand over all my hugs and kisses--
- (Maggie holds up the knife and points it at Marge, with an angry expression)
- Marge: OK, be cool. I've got some candy in my purse...
- Todd: Daddy, was mommy a monkey? I can't remember.
- Ned: (yelling) No one was ever a monkey! Everything is what it was and always will be! God put us here and that's that!
- Todd: But you said a stork brought me.
- Ned: Uh, that was God disguised as a stork.
- Rod: Who brings baby storks?
- Ned: There's no such thing as storks, it's all God!
- Todd: (praying in front of a statue of a stork) Please bless daddy and mommy...
- Ned: Stop praying to that stork!
- Homer: We've been through more hardships than the Jews and Charlie Brown put together!
- Lisa: Isn't it weird that our parents are giving marital advice? They're always fighting. If you listen closely, you can hear them arguing right now. (she and Bart then listen closely)
- Homer: (in distance) And I say, a monkey can mow our lawn!
- Watching Tabitha Vixx pole-dancing on stage during a concert
- Bart: (dreamily) Wow. I've got this sudden urge to give her a five-dollar bill...
- Marge: That's it, we're leaving!
- Announcer: And he sends one into the slug-o-sphere. It's going...going...
- (the ball flies into the Duff blimp, which then starts deflating)
- (Homer jumps from the blimp, then lands next to Sideshow Mel)
- Sideshow Mel: My sister's friend!
- (Homer runs from the blimp just as it runs out of helium)
- Buck: Tabitha! Tabitha! Oh, this is the worst blimp crash ever.