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* [http://www.southparkstudios.com South Park Studios Official website] |
* [http://www.southparkstudios.com South Park Studios Official website] |
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* [http://www.comedycentral.com/tv_shows/southpark ''South Park'' at Comedy Central] |
* [http://www.comedycentral.com/tv_shows/southpark ''South Park'' at Comedy Central] |
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* [http://www.google.com/ig/adde?source=ignsrc1&moduleurl=http%3A//hosting.gmodules.com/ig/gadgets/file/102278687733335926746/South_Park_Quotes.xml ''South Park'' quotes iGoogle gadget] (South Park quotes within Google homepage) |
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* [http://southparkquote.googlepages.com/ South Park quote generator] |
* [http://southparkquote.googlepages.com/ South Park quote generator] |
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* [http://www.customsouthparks.com/ South park create a character] |
* [http://www.customsouthparks.com/ South park create a character] |
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Revision as of 08:40, 4 May 2008
South Park is an animated series created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central since 1997, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado.
Contents
Early shorts/Pilot episodes
The Spirit of Christmas (Jesus vs. Frosty)
- Stan?: Dude!
- Kyle?: What?
- Stan?: Don't put the magic hat on the snowman.
- Kyle?: Why?
- Stan?: 'Cause if you do, he's gonna come to life.
- Kyle?: Cool!
- Stan?: No, it's not cool! My sister, in-in Minnesota, put a hat on a snowman and it tried to kill her!
- Kyle?: Fuck him, let's do it anyway!
- Kyle?: Oh my God! Frosty killed Kenny!
- Stan?: Dude, I told you not to put that fucking hat on Frosty's fucking head, now, didn't I!
- Kyle?: Well I'm sorry, Mr. Rocket-fucking-scientist! What are we supposed to do now?!
- Kyle?: (After running from Frosty) Uh, you know something, I don't think that was the real Santa Claus.
- Stan?: Oh, no shit, Sherlock! Now what are we gonna do?
The Spirit of Christmas (Jesus vs. Santa)
- Kyle: Don't you oppress me, fat boy!
- Cartman: Don't call me fat, butt fucker!
- Kyle: Then don't belittle my people, you fucking fat-arse!
- Cartman: God damn it, don't call me fat, you butt-fucking son-of-a-bitch!!
- Jesus: Behold my glory.
- Stan: Holy shit, it's Jesus!
- Cartman: What are you doing in South Park, Jesus?
- Jesus: I come seeking retribution.
- Stan: [gasps] He's come to kill you 'cause you're Jewish, Kyle!
- Kyle: Oh, fuck! I'm sorry, Jesus! Don't kill me!
- Jesus: Nay, fear not. I love all my children.
- Kyle: Whew.
- Jesus: Tomorrow is my birthday, yet all is not right.
- Stan: Your birthday is on Christmas? That sucks, dude!
- Jesus: I must find a place called the mall.
- Kyle: Well, we can take you to the mall, Jesus.
- Stan: Yeah! It's over this way!
- Cartman: God damn it, you stepped on my foot, you pig-fucker!
- Stan: Dude! Don't say pig-fucker in front of Jesus!
- Cartman: Ah, fuck you!
- Jesus: Boys, help me put an end to him once and for all.
- Santa: No, boys, help me. So that I can put an end to him.
- Jesus: God is watching you boys. You know who to help.
- Santa: Stan, remember the choo-choo when you were three?
- Jesus: I died for your sins, boys. Don't forget that.
- Stan: I don't know what to do, dude! Who should we help?
- Cartman: I say we help Santa Claus.
- Kyle: Aw, you're just saying that because he brings you candy.
- Cartman: Hey! I don't need to take that kinda shit from a Jew!
- Kyle: You're such a fat fuck, Cartman, that when you walk down the street, people go "God damn it, that kid's a big fat fuck!"
- Kyle:We actually met, we actually spoke with the Brian Boitano!
- Stan: Yeah, and you know, I think learned something today. It doesn't matter of you're Christian or Jewish or Atheist or Hindu. Christmas, still, is about one very important thing--
- Cartman: Yeah, ham.
- Stan: No, not ham, you fat fuck!
- Cartman: Fuck you!
- Stan: Christmas is about something much more important.
- Kyle: What?
- Stan: Presents.
- Kyle: Ah.
- Stan: Don't you see, Kyle?
- Kyle: Yeah.
- Stan: Presents.
- Kyle: Hey man, if you're Jewish, you get presents for eight days!
- Stan: Wow, really?! Count me in!
- Cartman: Yeah, I'll be a Jew too!
Season 1
South Park: Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 | Bigger, Longer & Uncut | Specials: The Streaming Wars, Joining the Panderverse, (Not Suitable for Children), The End of Obesity
South Park (1997–present) is an adult animated television series created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado.
Cartman Gets an Anal Probe [1.01]
- Cartman, Kyle, Stan, Kenny: [singing] School Days, School Days, Teachers Golden Rule Da--
- [Ike hops onscreen]
- Kyle: Aw, damn it!
- Stan: What?
- Kyle: My god damn brother is trying to follow me to school again!
- Cartman [to Kyle's brother, Ike]: Yeah, go home, you little dildo.
- Kyle: Dude! Don't call my brother a dildo!
- Stan: What's a dildo?
- Kenny [muffled]: It's a thing you put inside your undergarment.
- Cartman: Yeah, that's what Kyle's little brother is, alright.
- [Cartman, Stan, and Kenny laugh. Kyle picks up Ike and hits Cartman]
- [Cartman is sitting on his couch watching TV, when Mr. Kitty approaches him]
- Mr. Kitty: Meow.
- Cartman: No, Kitty, this is my pot pie!
- Mr. Kitty: Meow.
- Cartman: No, Kitty, s'bad Kitty!
- Mr. Kitty: Meow.
- Cartman: NO, KITTY, S'MY POT PIE!
- Mr. Kitty: [hisses at Cartman]
- Cartman: MOM! KITTY'S BEING A DILDO!
- Liane: Well, then I know a certain Kitty-Kitty who's sleeping with Mommy tonight.
- [beat]
- Cartman: What?
- Cartman: Okay, that does it! Now listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass?! I'm sick of it! It's completely immature! [Cartman simultaneously farts fire and a satellite dish comes out of his bottom]
- Kyle: Vi-visitors, this morning you took my brother, Ike. He's the little freckled kid that looks like a football. At first, I was happy you took him away. But I've learned something today. That having a little brother... i-is a pretty special thing.
- Stan: Yeah.
- Kyle: Ah, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could find it in your hearts or whatever you have, to give my brother back to me, it sure would make my life brighter again.
- Stan: That was beautiful, dude.
- Kyle: Did it work?
- Stan: No, they're leaving.
- Kyle: [Absolutely livid] Hey, you scrawny-ass sh**heads, what the f**k is wrong with you?! You must be some kind of f***ing assholes to be able to ignore a crying child!
- Stan: Whoa, dude!
- Kyle: You know what you f**kers like?! You like to f**k! And s***! And F**k! And F**k! AND F**K!!
- Stan: Hey, Wendy, what's a f**k? [She shrugs.]
Weight Gain 4000 [1.02]
- Tough Guy: Get some today, and say with me – Beefcake!
- Cartman: Beefcake.
- Tough Guy: BEEFCAKE!!
- Cartman: Beefcake!
- Tough Guy/Cartman: BEEEFFCAAAAAKE!!!
- Announcer: May cause irreversible damage to the kidneys and liver.
- Cartman: Mom, [he turns his head to the left] can you get me some Weight Gain 4000?
- Mrs. Cartman: Okay, Eric, I'll get you some tomorrow.
- Cartman: but mum I need it for tomorrow mum.
- Mrs. Cartman: But tomorrow's grocery shopping, Eric.
- Cartman: MOM...![he starts yelling gibberish, while throwing his Cheesy Poofs]
- Mrs. Cartman: Okay, okay! Well, I guess I'll be going to the store now then.
- [Eric stops screaming, and smiles happily]
- Kyle: Whoa, Cartman! Talk about wide load!
- Cartman: Yeah, I'm really starting to fill out nicely.
- Kyle: You're not "filling out nicely"! You're fatter than ever!
- Cartman: I'm not fat! I'm getting in shape!
- Kyle: Cartman, you're such a fat ass that when you walk down the street, people go, "Goddamn it, that's a big fat ass!"
- Cartman: No, they don't, you jealous weakling!
- Man: Goddamn, that's a big fat ass!
- Cartman: Hey!
Volcano [1.03]
- Stan: My uncle Jimbo says that after this he's gonna take me hunting in Africa.
- Kyle: Wow. That'd be cool.
- Cartman: My mom says there's a lot of black people in Africa.
- Cartman: My weenies won't cook.
- Ned: Mmmm-this wood won't burn-mm.
- Jimbo: Well, Ned, looks like we'll have to use the old Indian fire trick.
- Ned: Mmmm-yepper. [pours gasoline onto the burning wood, then catches fire] AAAAAHH!
- Jimbo: Huhahaha! Hey, stop, drop, and roll, Ned! Ah ha haha!
- [Ned accidentally tips the gas can over, creating a fire trail that leads to Jimbo's van, blowing it up]
- Stan and Kyle: Whoa!
- Jimbo: God dammit, Ned! I just got that van. How the hell are we s'posed to get home?
- Ned: Mmm-oh, it hurts! It hurts! Owwww!
- Cartman [roasting a hot dog over Ned's flaming body]: Hey, guys. This works pretty good right nyah.
- Barbrady: Okay people, listen up. As we near the top of the mountain, the chances of our encountering some lava becomes great. Therefore, I have special ordered this training film to assist us in volcano safety. Mr. Garrison, if you would, please?
- [Garrison turns on the movie projector to watch a 1952 training video called Lava and You.]
- Instructor: Harbingers of sorrow, natural disasters can be the cause of troubling and undesirable stress—and a volcano is no exception. But what should you do if a volcano erupts near you or your family? Here, we see the Stevens family enjoying on their picnic. But suddenly, daughter hears a noise: it's a volcano. Junior seems worried—but have no fear, Junior. Jane learned in school what to do when you hear a volcano erupt. [Jane uses a picnic blanket, covering her family] That's right, Jane—duck and cover. [lava passes through blanket, leaving family unharmed] So what will you do when you hear a volcano erupting? That's right, duck and cover. Looks like you got the idea. Duck and cover. Thank you and goodbye. [end of film]
- Barbrady: Okay, any questions?
- Chef: (indignant) That has got to be the most ridiculous load of pig crap I have ever seen!
- Barbrady: That's enough out of you!
- Mr. Garrison: Gay people? Gay people are evil, right down to their cold black hearts which pump not blood like yours or mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains which becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?
[Meanwhile at Middle Park Elementary...]
- Jimbo: Come on, Ned, and keep quiet.
- Ned: Okay. [They climb over the fence and encounter...]
- Jimbo: Hello, Enrique.
- Ned: What are we doing here?
- Jimbo: Well, Ned, we always kidnapped Middle Park's mascot. But this year we're going to booby-trap it instead. [puts bomb on Enrique's back] And when John Stamos's older brother hits that high F in "Loving You", boom! [Enrique gets wide-eyed] No more Middle Park players. :[Enrique starts to tremble. Jimbo and Ned laugh victoriously] God damn, I love football.
- Cartman: Hey Stan, where'd you get that black eye?
- Stan: Nothing, I mu-I mean, nowhere.
- Cartman: Your sister beat you up again, huh?
- Stan: No!
- Cartman: [Laughs] Yep, your sister kicked your ass!
- Stan: She's just pissed off 'cause she got headgear at the dentist. She's taking it out on me.
- Kyle: Yeah, but that sucks, to get your butt kicked by a girl, Stan.
- Cartman: I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried anything, I'd be like, "HEY! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!"
- Stan: My parents don't even believe that she beats me up. They think she's all innocent and sweet, but I know that she's an evil bitch!
- Cartman: Be a man, Stan. Just say, "Hey, woman, y-you shut your mouth and make babies."
- [Kyle's elephant and Cartman's pig get ready to make love]
- Chef: Now children, gather around, and watch the wonders of life. The beauty of Mother Nature.
- [The pig is heard squealing loudly]
- Stan: Ah, sick!
- Cartman: Fluffy!
- Chef: Hmm, now I know how all those white women must have felt.
- Cartman: If a woman did that to me, I'd be all like, "Hey, why don't you stop...dressing me up like a mailman and making me dance for you, while you go and smoke crack in your bedroom and have sex with some guy I don't even know on my dad's bed!"
- Stan: Cartman, what the heck are you talking about?
- Cartman: I'm just saying you're just a little wuss, that's all.
- Stan: Someday, Shelly, I'm gonna be bigger than you, and you're gonna wish you'd never done any of this to me.
Death [1.06]
- Cartman: I would never kill somebody. Unless they pissed me off.
- Grampa: Oh, is that a fact? Well, let me tell ya something, Porky. Your mom was over here earlier, and I humped her like a little bitch!
- Cartman (shocked): What?
- Grampa: That's right!
- Stan: Grampa!
- Grampa: And then, I dug up your great-grandma's skeleton, and had my way with her too.
- Cartman: Hey!
- Grampa: Choice piece of it, your great-grandma.
- Cartman: You piece of crap! I'll kill you!
- Grampa: That's the spirit, Tubby!
- [Cartman punches Kyle in the shoulder]
- Kyle: Ow! What the hell was that for?!
- Cartman: That's for your stupid mother! She made me miss Terrance & Phillip last night!
- Clyde: Yeah, what's the big idea having your mom call our moms last night?
- Kyle: Well, I didn't have her do it. She did it on her own.
- Cartman: Why does this happen every month? It seems like, right around the same time every month, Kyle's mom gets a hair up her ass about something, and I always end up getting screwed by it!
- Mr. Garrison: Children! Children! A certain student's mother called me last night.
- Cartman: [Tauntingly.] Oh, gee, I wonder whose mother that could have been?
- Mr. Garrison: She informed me that some of you might be watching a naughty show called Terrance & Phillip.
- Class: Yeah! Woo-hoo!
- Mr. Hat: Watching that show is bad, Mr. Garrison.
- Mr. Garrison: That's right, Mr. Hat. Shows like Terrance & Phillip are what we call 'toilet humor'. They don't expand your minds.
- [silence]
- Mr. Garrison: You see, children, these kind of shows are senseless, vile trash.
- [Kenny walks in]
- Mr. Garrison: Kenny, why are you late to class?
- [Kenny hands Mr. Garrison a note. The note reads 'Please excuse me from being late, I have a case of explosive diarrhea, signed-K']
- Mr. Garrison: Oh, okay Kenny, be seated. [addressing the class] Now, as I was saying, the reason that parents of South Park are so upset is because...
- [Kenny is waving his hand frantically]
- Mr. Garrison: Yes Kenny, what is it?
- Kenny: (I have to go pee.)
- Mr. Garrison: I thought you just came from the bathroom.
- Kenny: (I did, I gotta go again...)
- Mr. Garrison: Okay okay, go ahead.
- [Kenny goes in the restroom]
- Mr. Garrison: Now, where was I. Oh, yeah. As I was saying, you all seem to enjoy this show, even though it isn't based in reality. There's much more to life than 2 young men farting on each other. And throughout history there have always been shows that have come and gone that have been very bad, and usually they get taken right off the air. You see, you should be spending your time enlightening your minds with more intelligent entertainment.
- [throughout the lecture, sounds of some serious diarrhea come from the bathroom. The sounds get progressively worse as Kenny reenters the classroom at the end of the lecture]
- Stan: Whoa, smells like you slaughtered a cow in there, Kenny!
- Mr. Garrison: Pay attention, children!
Pink Eye [1.07]
- Stan: Aw man, I feel like a total choad.
- Cartman: Aw, come on, Stan. Maybe that's because you look like a total choad.
- Chef: Hello there, Children!
- Cartman: Hey, Chef!
- Chef: [after looking at Cartman who's dressed like a KKK clansman] Aah!
- Cartman: Whoa, Chef's really scared of ghosts, huh?
- Officer Barbrady: You're probably wondering why we're standing here with a pile of money and no pants on.
- Chef: Actually-
- Mayor: Well, I can assure you that it has absolutely nothing to do with the Japanese mafia.
- Officer Barbrady: Not a thingy-dingy.
- [Kyle saws the zombified Kenny in half]
- Kyle: Oh my God! I killed Kenny! [to himself] YOU BASTARD!
Damien [1.08]
- Stan: Hey, Cartman? How come the birthday invitation you gave me says "Green Mega Man"?
- Kyle: Yeah. Mine says "Red Mega Man".
- Cartman: Right. That's what you're supposed to get for my birthday.
- Stan: Dude, you're not supposed to tell people what to get you for your birthday.
- Kyle: Yeah, that's weak!
- Cartman: Look, it's very simple, guys. Green Mega Man goes with Red Mega Man and Yellow Mega Man to make the Ultra-Mega Mega Man. You have to have all three, or it doesn't work, see?
- Stan: Up yours, Cartman. I'll get you whatever the hell I want!
- [Stan crumples up the invitation and throws it away.]
- Cartman: Oooh! So maybe you don't want to have any of my mom's cake, pie, and ice cream, then.
- Stan: Oh, "Gre-green Mega Man" it is.
- Stan: Man, recess sucks without any slides or nothing.
- Cartman: (Damien approaches) Oh, here comes the unholy butthole now. Hey! Thanks a lot for burning everything down, you little bitch!
- Damien: I apologize for ruining your playground and turning your friend into a duck-billed platypus. I was doing my father's bidding. I didn't have a choice.
- [Cartman farts beside him.]
- Cartman: Oh! Excuse me, new kid! I didn't mean to fart on you - I didn't have a choice!
- [Damien looks angry enough to burst a blood vessel, but he does nothing.]
- Stan: Phew! You stink, new kid! You smell like a fart!
- Kyle: Yeah, we're gonna call you Fart-boy from now on.
- [Damien walks away from them.]
- Stan: Bye bye, Fart-boy!
- Kyle: See you!
- Pip: Good day, how are you, Damien?
- Damien: Those guys farted on me, and then called me...
- Pip: Fart-boy? Oh, good! Perhaps they won't call me that anymore.
- Cartman: Ants in the Pants?! ANTS IN THE PANTS?!
- Kyle: It's a game, dude. It's really fun.
- Cartman: You son of a bitch! You were supposed to get me Red Mega Man! Now I can't make Ultra-Mega Megaman! You dirty cheap ass piece of crap!
- Kyle: They were all out of them, dude!
- Cartman: I HATE YOU! I WANT YOU TO DIE!
[After Cartman yells and kicks everyone out.]
- Damien: Wow, that kid has some real emotional problems.
- Stan: Ah, he does this all the time.
Starvin' Marvin [1.09]
- Cartman: Mr. Garrison, why do poor people smell like sour milk?
- Mr. Garrison: I don't know, Eric, they just do.
- [Kyle sniffs Kenny in disgust]
- Stan: You know, I think I've learned something today. It's really easy not to think of images on TV as real people, but they are. That's why it's easy to ignore those commercials but people on TV are as real as you or I.
- Kyle: That means that MacGyver is a real person, too!
- Mr. Garrison: Kyle, is there anything you can do for the Christmas play that isn't related to Jesus?
- Sheila: How about the dreidel song, boobie?
- Kyle: I can sing the Mr. Hankey song.
- Mr. Garrison: The Mr. Hankey song, how does that go?
- Kyle: [singing] Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, he loves me, and I love...
- Stan: Christmas poo?
- Cartman: What the hell is Christmas poo?!
- Kyle: Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, haven't you guys ever heard of it?
- Sheila: Kyle, that is enough!
- Mr. Garrison: See, that's what you get when you raise your child to be a Pagan.
- Sheila: Now that does it! I am going straight to the Mayor about you, Mr. Garrison!
- Mr. Garrison: Oh, wait, wait, I'm sorry, was it the Pagan remark?
- Mr. Garrison: The new law states we can't sing any songs having to do with Jesus or Santa Claus.
- Cartman: Thanks to Kyle's mother.
- Kyle: Shut up, Cartman!
- Mr. Garrison: So does anybody know any non-Santa or non-Jesus, Christmas songs?
- [Cartman raises his hand]
- Mr. Garrison: Yes, Eric?
- Cartman: How about we sing Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch in D minor?
- Kyle: I told you not to call my mom a bitch, Cartman!
Tom's Rhinoplasty [1.11]
- Mr. Garrison: I feel kinda nauseous.
- Tom: Yes, that's to be expected. We did some major reconstruction, sawed through some bone, snapped some cartilage, all the blood and mucus just the sound of bone and sinew coming apart. [makes disgusting noises of bone and blood]
- Mr. Garrison: Arrgh!
- Tom: By the way, did you ever see that movie Contact?
- Mr. Garrison: [throws up] Stop! That movie was terrible!
- Tom: I'm sorry, Mr. Garrison. Why don't you get some rest and I'll check on you a little later.
- Mr. Garrison: Sat through that entire movie to see the alien, and it was her God damn father!
- Wendy: Ms. Ellen, can I talk to you?
- Ms. Ellen: Of course, Wendy.
- Wendy: I couldn't help but notice you've taken a liking to my boyfriend, Stan.
- Ms. Ellen: Well, I've taken a liking to all of you. You're all so young, and cute, and full of life...
- Wendy: Can I tell you something, Ms. Ellen?
- Ms. Ellen: Of course, Wendy.
- Wendy: Don't fuck with me!
- Ms. Ellen: What?!
- Wendy: You heard me! Stay away from my man, Bitch, or I'll whoop your sorry ho-ass back to last year! [sweetly] Bye, Ms. Ellen!
- Wendy has just had Miss Ellen shot into the sun
- Wendy: (cheerfully) Bye bye, Miss Ellen!
- Kyle: Wendy! You didn't!
- Wendy: (sing-songy) I told her~... (Intensely, with crazy eyes) Don't. Fuck. With. Wendy. TESTABURGER!
Mecha-Streisand [1.12]
- Barbra Streisand: You know who I am?
- Officer Barbrady: Well, you aren't Fiona Apple, and if you aren't Fiona Apple, I don't give a rat's ass!
- Barbra Streisand: [screams in anger]
- Officer Barbrady: Whoa, what a bitch!
- Kyle: Well, that whole experience sure sucked.
- Stan: Yeah, I'm sure glad it's over.
- Kyle: But you know, I've learned something today. I've learned that people who want power - a lot of power - always end up dead.
- Cartman: Yeah, and I've learned something too. Robert Smith kicks ass!
- Cartman: Mom, can I ask you a question?
- Mrs. Cartman: Sure, Hun.
- Cartman: You know how my friend Stan has, like, a dad?
- Mrs. Cartman: Uh-huh.
- Cartman: And my friend Kyle has a dad and my friend Kenny has a dad?
- Mrs. Cartman: Yes?
- [long pause]
- Mrs. Cartman: Well, what's your question, Hun?
- Cartman: Goddamn it, do I have a dad?!
- Mrs. Cartman: Oh!
- Cartman: I want to know where I came from.
- Mrs. Cartman: Oh. Hmm. Well, you see, Eric, sometimes when a man and a woman are attracted to each other, they want to be close to each other.
- Cartman: Uh-huh...
- Mrs. Cartman: And sometimes the man puts his hoo-hoo dilly in the woman's cha-cha.
- [long pause]
- Cartman: So who put his hoo-hoo dilly in your cha-cha?
- Narrator: Who is Eric Cartman's father? Is it Chief Running Water? Or is it Chef? Is it Mephesto? Or that little monkey guy that follows him around? Or is it Mr. Garrison?
- Jimbo: Nope. He's gay.
- Mr. Garrison: You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
- Narrator: Is it Jimbo?
- Jimbo: Daaagh!
- Narrator: Or is it Officer Barbrady?
- Officer Barbrady: Huh?! Where?!
- Narrator: Or could it be Ned?
- Ned: Could be.
- Narrator: Or Mr. Broflovski?
- Kyle: Dad, how could you?!
- Narrator: Or is it the 1991 Denver Broncos? The answer is coming on an all-new South Park, in just four weeks.
- Cartman: What?! Son of a bitch!
Season 2
South Park: Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 | Bigger, Longer & Uncut | Specials: The Streaming Wars, Joining the Panderverse, (Not Suitable for Children), The End of Obesity
South Park (1997–present) is an adult animated television series created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado.
- Announcer: Since the last South Park, you've waited four long weeks to find out who the father of Eric Cartman is. Now, finally, the shocking truth about Cartman's lineage… will not be seen Tonight, so that we can bring you the following special presentation.
- [Terrance farts]
- Phillip: Terrance, you farted in court.
- Terrance: Yes Phillip, I'm making a case for our defense.
- Scott: Terrance, you may be a famous surgeon, but you're not God! J'accuse, Terrance.
- Terrance: Would you like a 'Monkey Claw', Phillip?
- Phillip: Yes please. [Terrance farts]
- Terrance: That's called the 'Monkey Claw', because it feels like my colon is being ripped apart by a thousand monkeys.
- Phillip: The 'Monkey Claw' is smelly.
- Scott: I hate you, and I wish you both had cancer!
- Phillip: Cancer?
- Scott: Yes, in the head!
- Terrance: Head cancer?
- Scott: This is not the end, Terrance and Phillip! You'll rue this day!
- Terrance: Scott really hates us, Phillip.
- Phillip: Yes, perhaps he's homophobic.
- Terrance: ...But we're not gay, Phillip.
- Phillip: We're not?
- Scott: I hate you more than ever, Terrance and Phillip! I absolutely abhor you both! [starts waving his arms in front of them; pause]
- Phillip: What are you doing, Scott?
- Scott: I'm wishing cancer upon you!
- Phillip: Cancer?!
- Scott: That's right! I'm trying to give you cancer with my mind!
- Terrance: [hides behind Phillip] Ugh! Stop that!
- Phillip: Hey, Don't give me cancer!
- Scott: What are you idiots doing?
- Terrance: We're looking for treasure.
- Scott: Is that some kind of metaphor for a kind of search that can't be described?
- Phillip: No, we're searching for treasure.
- Scott: I hate you, Terrance and Phillip!
- [Kenny appears out of nowhere]
- Stan: [blankly, as though Kenny hadn't appeared out of thin air] Oh, hey, Kenny.
- Kenny: Oh, my God! They killed Mephisto!
- Kyle: You bastards!
- Mayor: Officer Barbrady, let's pretend for one second that we had a competent law enforcement officer in this town. What would he do?
- Nurse: When was the fetus conceived?
- Mrs. Cartman: Eight years ago.
- Nurse: So that would make the fetus-
- Mrs. Cartman: Eight years old.
- Nurse: That places you in what we call 'the 40th Trimester'.
- Doctor: Well, this is about all I can do for him.
- Cartman: Can't you get him to talk? I have to know who my father is.
- Doctor: Sorry, son, it might be a while.
- Cartman: [bounds atop Mephesto and begins slapping him around] Wake up, you son of a bitch!
- Chef: Whoa!
- Doctor: Team A will consist of myself, Eric, Stan, Kyle and Nurse Goodly. Team B will consist of Kenny.
- Mr. Garrison: Can't go on... So hungry...
- Mayor McDaniels: We're all going to die in this horrible place.
- Uncle Jimbo: We have to have the energy to make it through the night. We have to eat.
- Film Director: How can we? How could we live with ourselves?
- Uncle Jimbo: There's only one answer: Eat Eric Roberts.
- Mayor McDaniels: Yes, of course! Nobody gives a shit about Eric Roberts.
- Mr. Garrison: Eat Eric Roberts!
- [they all together walk towards Eric Roberts]
- Eric Roberts: No! No, please!
- [cut to commercial...]
- [Eric Robert's mutilated corpse is visible. The other characters in the studio are feasting on his remains.]
- Mayor McDaniels: Well, there's no going back now. We're cannibals! God save us...
- Uncle Jimbo: God wants you to live, Mayor. Fight!
- Uncle Jimbo: We'll give it until another hour, then... we might have to eat again.
- Film Director: What?! Christ, are you people diabetic or something?
- Mr. Garrison: It's over! We're free!
- Officer Barbrady: Yes, but at what cost, Mr. Garrison? At what cost?
- Uncle Jimbo: Listen, everybody! We did what we had to in there.
- Mayor McDaniels: But how will we live with ourselves now?
- Ned: One day at a time, Mayor. One day at a time.
- [Schubert's 'Ave Maria' plays as the camera zooms back]
- Mr. Garrison: Well, I'm bringing home some Eric Roberts in a doggy bag. Does anybody else want some?
- Cartman: Wait a minute! [points at his mom/dad] If she's my dad, who's my mom?
- Narrator: Who is Eric Cartman's mother? Is it Ms. Crabtree, Sheila Broflovski, the Mayor?
- Cartman: AGH, FORGET IT!
Chickenlover [2.03]
- [Officer Barbarady, who is at the time illiterate, finds a note saying "another chicken gets it tomorrow." He is then asked what it says]
- Officer Barbarady: Oh, it says... "Sorry I had sex with the chicken! I won't do it again, bye-bye!" Well, there you have it, case closed.
- Officer Barbarady: Yes, at first I was happy to be learning how to read. It seemed exciting and magical, but then I read this: Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. I read every last word of its garbage, and because of this piece of shoot, I'm never reading again.
- Stan/Kyle: Hooray for Barbarady!
- Cartman: For my book report, I read The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. It was very, very good. Have you read it, Mr. Garrison?
- Mr. Garrison: No, I can't say I have.
- Cartman: Oh good. In The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, a bunch of hippies walk around and paint stuff. They eat lunch, and then they find a magical camel, which they have to eat to stay alive. And that's pretty much it. I give it a B-minus.
- Mr. Garrison: And I give you an F, Eric. Now sit down!
- Cartman: God damn it!!
- Mayor: The Chickenfucker struck again last night.
- Kyle: Oh, no!
- Officer Barbarady: Oh Mayor, please, when we're around children we prefer to call him the "Chicken Lover."
- Mayor's assistant: This time, he made love to Carla Weathers' prize chicken. She's catatonic.
- Barbrady: Who? Carla Weathers or the chicken?
- Randy Marsh: Uh...yes, officer?
- Cartman: I clocked you at 40 mph back there. Do you know what the speed limit is hey-ah?
- Randy: Well, according to that sign right there, it's 40 mph.
- Cartman: Step out of the car, please, sir.
- Randy: Wait a second. Aren't you Stan's little friend?
- Cartman: Sir, step out of the car, please.
- Randy: Yeah. You're the one who always plugs up the toilet at our house.
- Cartman: Ey! I am a cop, and you will respect my authority!
- Randy: Yeah, right. You better get back to school, little boy. [Cartman hits Randy's shin] Ow!
- Cartman: Get your ass to jail!
- Randy: Ow! Hey, what the heck're you doing?! You can't do that! Ow! Ow!
- Cartman: Sweet.
Ike's Wee Wee [2.04]
- Stan: Boo!
- Mr. Mackey: Who was that? That is not appropriate behavior, m'kay?
- Stan: [imitating Mr. Mackey's voice] I'm sorry Mr. Mackey, m'kay.
- Mr. Mackey: That's okay. Just don't let it happen again, m'kay.
- Kyle: [imitating Mr. Mackey's voice] We won't let it happen again Mr. Mackey, m'kay.
- [the boys laugh]
- Man in Passing Car: Hey, Mackey, now we see what you and Homer Simpson have in common: "D'oh-pe" [laughs]
- Mr. Mackey: I'm tired of your right-wing authoritative bullshit!
- Dr. Schwartz: His father had it, his grandfather had it and....his brother had it.
- Kyle: [horrified] No. No, it's not possible.
- Dr. Schwartz: We're not going to cut it off. We're just going to snip it so that it looks bigger.
- Stan: Oh, hey, dude, that didn't sound like a bad idea.
- Cartman: Yeah, I wanna get a circumcision too!
- Kyle: You know, I've learned something today. Family isn't about whose blood you have, it's about who you care about.
- Stan: Yeah!
- Kyle: And that's why I feel like you guys are more than just friends. You're my family. Except for Cartman.
- Stan: Naturally.
- Cartman: Screw you guys! I don't want to be in your crazy penis-chopping family anyway!
- Woman: [after seeing Ike] Oh, look, honey, someone threw away a perfectly good trash can.
- Cartman: The fireman is very magical. If you rub his helmet he spits in your eye.
Conjoined Fetus Lady [2.05]
- [Stan's mother, Sharon, is speaking to Kyle's mother, Sheila, on the phone. In the background, Stan runs around screaming, wielding an ice pick]
- Sharon Marsh: Sheila, I was just wondering if you might know why my son is trying to split his head open with an ice pick?
- Stan: [screaming] No! I have to get it out!
- Cartman: My mom says there are lots of black people in China.
- Cartman: I love you guys. [Stan and Kyle stare at him] Ah, screw you guys..!
- Nurse Gollum: Well, this may sound odd coming from a woman with a fetus sticking out of her head, but you're all a bunch of freaks.
- Gerald Broflovski: Could you please pass the dead fetus--I mean gravy?
- Chinese Announcer: It's number...aw, who cares. Arr Americans rook arike.
- Stan: Ready, you guys?
- Cartman/Kyle: Ready!
- Stan: Okay. Action! [Cartman poses the frog attached to a string on a stick]
- Cartman: [mutters] I am the deadly Mexican Staring Frog...of Southern Sri Lanka. I am very scary... and dangerous!
- Stan: Cut! Cartman!
- Cartman: What?
- Stan: It's supposed to be a frog!
- Cartman: I know that!
- Stan: Since when do frogs talk, Cartman?
- Cartman: [thinks] It's a Sri Lanka frog!
- Kyle: Der, Cartman!
- Cartman: Der yourself, hippie!
- Kyle: Just do this again Cartman, and don't make it talk.
- Stan: Okay, here we go. Ready? Are you ready, Cartman?
- Cartman: I'm ready, Steven Spielberg!
- Stan: Action!
- Cartman: Screw you guys...
- Mrs. Crabtree: BE QUIET BACK THERE! THESE ROADS ARE SLICK!
- Stan: Hey, Cartman!
- Cartman: What?
- Stan: Are you gonna share any of that cake with the rest of us?
- Cartman: [finishes a bite] Hmm, let me think... No.
- Kyle: Come on, fatass! You shouldn't be eating all that cake anyway!
- Cartman: Mm. It's chocolatey and delightful.
- Stan: Give us some, Cartman!
- Ms. Crabtree: [turns around] BE QUIET BACK THERE!
- Kyle: Whoa, dude. The road is really snowy out there.
- Stan: Dude, the road is always snowy.
- Kyle: I know, but, it's really snowy today.
- Cartman: [now baiting] Mm. I can't possibly finish this whole cake. Uh, yes I can. [resumes eating]
- Stan: Shut up, Cartman!
- Mrs. Crabtree [slams the brakes on, opens a box, and pulls out a bunny] Okay, that does it. Y'all be quiet or the cute little bunny dies!! [points a gun at its head. The class gasps and look at her for a while. Sure that she has made her point, she puts the bunny back in the box and resumes driving]
- Stan: Dude, she always tries to quiet us down by threatening to kill that bunny, but I wonder if she ever would.
- Kyle: Oh, she would, dude. She would.
- [the bus comes to a halt at a road block]
- Mrs. Crabtree: GOD! [a sign says "Road closed due to avalanche"] OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, I DON'T BELIEVE THIS! [another sign says, "Detour at your own risk." She starts up the bus and takes the detour]
- Stan: Come on, fat boy, give us some cake now.
- Cartman: [exhausted] I cannot possibly eat one more bite of its chocolatey goodness. Oh, wait, wait, wait, try.
- Kyle: Damn it, Cartman, you are such a fat fuck!
- Mrs. Crabtree: [spins around] WHAT DID YOU SAY?! [turns back around just to see the bus head for a road shoulder where the road starts to turn] Whoa-oh. [she slams the brakes on, but the bus goes over the shoulder and tumbles down the side of the hill] Oh, my God!!! Aagggh! [the kids tumble all over the place and scream, but Cartman just munches away on the cake, quite undisturbed. The bus bounces on the bottom of the hill and lands on a river upright, floating on down]
- Kids: Aaggh!
- Kyle: I'm scared!
- Mrs. Crabtree: Be quiet, kid!
- [the kids look back at where they were as the bus continues down the river, and over a waterfall, straight down]
- All: Aggghhhh!
- Cartman: [finished his cake] All gone.
- Mrs. Crabtree: SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP! [students groan in pain] I SAID QUIET, OR ELSE I'LL KILL THE BUNNY!! [students notice and are immediately quiet]
- Mrs. Crabtree: Don't get off the bus or a big scary monster will eat you! [she gets off the bus]
- Butters: Hey, why isn't the monster eating her?!
- Kyle: Because, Larry King won't grant me three wishes.
- Mrs. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
- Kyle: I said "Larry King won't grant me three wishes."
- Mrs. Crabtree: Oh.
Summer Sucks [2.8]
- Mr. Garrison: Hello children, how is your summer going?
- Stan: Summer sucks bad, Mr. Garrison.
- Kyle: Hey, have you found Mr. Hat yet?
- Mr. Garrison: Oh, oh, that old thing? Why, I almost forgot he was gone. I don't need Mr. Hat.
- Stan: That's good.
- Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat is just a puppet.
- Kyle: Yep.
- Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat isn't real.
- Stan: Right.
- [Flashback scene to when the boys were toddlers, and are playing with fireworks. Stan and Kyle set off a little rocket, to their amusement. Kenny is holding a firecracker, and blows his head off.]
- Toddler Stan: Oh gosh, killed Kenny!
- Toddler Kyle: Oo bastoods!
- [Rats converge on baby Kenny's headless corpse.]
- [Chef was vacationing on an island while the gargantuan firework snake ravaged the country. After blowing the snake up, the townspeople are seen trying to clean up the mess, but as a result of all the ash in the air, it looks like they're all in Blackface]
- Chef: Okay, everybody get into line, so I can whoop all yo' asses!
- [The snake breaks down Jimbo and Ned's cell wall]
- Jimbo: Holy crap, what the heck is that?
- Ned: It looks like my ex-wife!
- [The boys have called Chef for advice on how to deal with the Ash Snake]
- Chef: Giant snake? Killing everybody? Growing bigger? [looks at the women surrounding him] Now, children, you know I rarely say this, but well... fudge ya. [hangs up, goes back to singing] 🎵 Simultaneous, you and me! 🎵
- Kyle: What did he say?
- Stan: Dude, I think he told us to go fuck ourselves.
- Cartman: Wow!
- Kyle: How's that going to help?
- [The boys stop in front of a sign with "Stu's Fireworks" written on it]
- Stan: Oh yeah, dude, it's summer. That means we've gotta buy fireworks!
- Kyle: I saved up enough money to buy M-80s this year.
- Stan: I saw in this movie once, where this guy stuck a firecracker up a cat's butt.
- Kyle: Cool, maybe we can do that to Cartman's cat!
- Cartman: Hey! If you so much as touch Kitty's ass, I'll put firecrackers in your nut sack and blow your balls all over your pants!
- Stan: Jesus, Cartman!
- Cartman: [his voice trailing off] Well, I'm just-- seriously now, don't mess with Kitty, now.
- Cartman: No, dude, independent films are those black-and-white hippie movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.
- [from one of the independent films]
- Cowboy: Hey Tom, you got any pudding?
- Tom: You know I'm all out of pudding, silly.
- Cowboy: Well, what should we do now?
- Tom: Well, how about we explore our sexuality? [they start to make out]
- Cartman: I've learned something too: selling out is sweet because when you sell out, you get to make a lot of money, and when you have money, you don't have to hang out with a bunch of poor ass losers like you guys. Screw you guys, I'm going home.
- Chef: [singing to advertise his new candy, Chocolate Salty Balls] Hey, everybody, have you seen my balls? They're big and salty and brown! If you ever need a quick pick-me-up, just stick my balls in your mouth! Suck on my Salty Chocolate Balls! [high-pitched voice] Put 'em in your mouth! [normal singing voice] Put 'em in your mouth and suck 'em and suck 'em! Suck my balls! Suck 'em sweet!
- [Chef has just fed his concoction, Salty Chocolate Balls, to a severely ailing Mr. Hankey]
- Chef: My Salty Chocolate Balls must have rejuvenated him!
- Kyle: You've got the best balls in the whole world, Chef.
- Chef: You're damn right.
- Cartman: That's it, screw you guys, I'm going home.
- [pause]
- Kyle: Well?
- Cartman: I'm gonna, just give me a minute.
Chickenpox [2.10]
- Cartman: Aw, Jesus, are you fucking kidding me?
- Stuart: Hey! We don't say fuck at the table, you little asshole!
- Cartman: [mumbling] Yeah, we apparently don't say side dishes either.
- Shelley: Serves you right, you little brat!
- Stan: Well, at least I'm not going to die from it, which you might! [giggles]
- Shelley: If I die from this, I'm taking you with me!
- [...]
- Stan: I don't want to watch this! I want to watch Terrance and Phillip!
- Shelley: We're watching this!
- Stan: Well I got the remote, bitch! [giggles]
- Kyle: Cartman, you remember how we all spent the night at Kenny's a couple of days ago?
- Cartman: I remember frozen waffles with no side dishes.
- Stan: Cartman, our parents sent us over to catch chickenpox from Kenny.
- Kyle: Yeah, dude, your mom wanted you to have herpes on your face.
- Cartman: She what?!
- Stan: It's some kind of parental conspiracy. Our parents are trying to kill us or something.
- Cartman: That bitch! I'm going to go downstairs and kick her square in the nuts!
- Kyle: No, no, no. Come on fat-boy, we're going to get them all back.
- Randy: Will he be okay out of the hospital?
- Dr. Doctor: Oh sure, sure. But we have to get him back soon. If he doesn't get his antibiotic shot today, he could die.
- Sharon: DIE!??
- Dr. Doctor: Yes, die. It won't be any easy death, either. The chickenpox will slowly move down his trachea into his lungs.
- Randy: Okay, well well, let's go look—
- Dr. Doctor: As he chokes for breath, the pox will move through his inner ear, into his brain, making him think he's David Duchovny.
- Sharon: Oh God, no!!
- Randy: I'm a-I'm sure he couldn't have gone far.
- Dr. Doctor: Now moving on all fours and wheezing uncontrollably, his cellular structure will regress into a gelatinous mass of—
- [Gerald is reading Kyle's essay]
- Kyle: [voiceover] "My Final Solution" by Kyle Broflovski. My dad is the smartest guy in the whole wide world. He has taught me that all poor people are actually things called clods. I wanna live in a world of only gods so my idea to make America better is put all the poor people into camps.
- Gerald: WHAT!?
- Kyle: [voiceover] If we get rid of them, there will be nothing but rich people, and there won't be any hunger, poverty or homeless people, 'cause they'll all be dead. The End.
- Gerald: Oh God, what have I done?
- Cartman: Well, what a day this has been. I was on TV and I'm a hero. [Cartman's mother appears after he picks his nose]
- Liane: Don't pick your nose, hon.
- Cartman: GOD DAMN IT, MOM, I WASN'T PICKING IT! I HAD AN ITCH!!
Clubhouses [2.12]
- Roy: Stan, you want to help me cut some firewood?
- Stan: We cut firewood all day yesterday; we've got enough to last twelve years!
- Roy: [tormented] When will you let me in? Let me love you! [normal] Now get your ass out here and help me!
- Stan: You suck now, Cartman. And to be honest, If you want to play America vs. Bosnia, why don't you just play with Kenny.
- Kyle: Yeah. I'll bet he would like it.
- Cartman: That's fine! I like playing America vs. Bosnia with Kenny! I'll play with him every single day!
- [Kenny laughs]
- Cartman: What?
- Sharon Marsh: What are you doing, sweetheart?
- Stan: Getting a cookie. We're building a clubhouse and--
- Sharon Marsh: You men are all alike. First you get a cookie and then you criticize the way I dress, and then it's the way I cook. I suppose next you'll be telling me that you need your space and that I'm sabotaging your creativity. Go ahead, Stanley, get your god damn cookie!
- [she leaves]
- Stan: Okay.
- Wendy: Kiss Bebe on the lips.
- Kyle: What? I'm not kissing a girl!
- Stan: Don't be a chicken dude, just close your eyes.
- [Kyle hesitates, then relaxes. Bebe moves forward and plants a kiss on his lips]
- Kyle: Sick! Fucking sickening! [Kyle runs out of the tree house, Bebe stares]
- Bebe: Wow, look at that ass! Shake it, baby!!
- [Bebe tries to pass a note to Kyle from across the room]
- Mr. Garrison: Stanley, are you passing notes to Kyle?
- Stan: No, I just--
- Mr. Garrison: Don't lie! Lying makes you sterile!
- Stan: I'm not lying! Someone just handed me--
- Mr. Garrison: Stanley, if you think it's so important to keep interrupting my class, then why don't you come up to the front and read your note to Kyle for everyone to hear.
- Stan: But I didn't write the note!
- Cartman: Mr. Garrison, Stan's behavior is having an adverse effect on my education.
- Stan: Shut up, Cartman!
- Mr. Garrison: Stanley Marsh, you come up here right now and read your note!
- Stan: "Dear Kyle, you have got such a great ass. I could sleep for days on those perk cheeks, let me tell you. I'd like to live with you and wear your ass as a hat for all eternity." Whoa, dude!
- Mr. Mackey: Now, young man, uh... ...school is a time for learning, not for immature skylarkings.
- Stan: What's skylarkings?
- Mr. Mackey: You know, like tomfooleries.
- Stan: Who?
- [Someone knocks on Mr. Mackey's door and open Mr. Mackey's door]
- Mr. Mackey: Oh, your parents are here.
- [Randy and Sharon enter]
- Stan: Oh, no.
- Mr. Mackey: Thank you for coming on such short notice. I was just disciplining your son for his skylarkings.
- Randy: Stanley, I... Skylarkings?
- Mr. Mackey: Yeahm'kay?
- Randy: Stanley, I want you to explain to me why you were passing notes in school.
- Sharon: Randy, let me handle this. Now Stanley, I want you to explain to me why you were passing notes in school.
- Stan: It wasn't my note, dude. It was some girl's.
- Mr. Mackey: Okay, Stanley, we're all here to get to the root of your behavior disorder.
- Sharon: You really should know better, Stanley.
- Randy: You need to shape up, mister.
- Sharon: [To Randy.] Don't interrupt me! You always interrupt me when I talk! Can't you see that I?--
- Randy: [A bit testily.] I don't interrupt you.
- Sharon: There, you did it again! [To Mr. Mackey.] He interrupted me again.
- Mr. Mackey: Okay, uh -- perhaps you should let your wife finish talking, Mr. Marsh. Now, Stan, I want you to be...
- Randy: Okay, I'm sorry I interrupt. But she always takes over any conversation!
Cow Days [2.13]
- [the boys have decided to enter Cartman into a bull riding contest]
- Cartman: What the hell makes you think "Cartman rides a bull?"
- Kyle: [throttling Cartman by his neck, through gritted-in-fury teeth] Because you spent all of our money on those stupid rides, fatass! Now, either you're getting on a bull or I'm gonna BREAK YOUR FUCKING HEAD OPEN!!!!
- Cartman: O-kay, I'll get on a bull.
- Kyle: All right! Now, come on! We have to practice!
Kyle walks away. The others watch him.
- Stan: [To Cartman.] He really wants those dolls.
- Cartman: I guess, damn!
Tom and Mary have just exited the Chamber of Farts on car 11.
- Mary: That ride wasn't very good.
- Tom: Now, Mary, you promised me we'd try to have a good time.
- Mary:You're right. I'm sorry, honey, I'll try and have a good time.
- Officer Barbrady: Young man, you can't just go declaring Shenanigans on innocent people. That's how wars get started.
- Stan: Sorry, Officer Buttbaby.
- Officer Barbrady: Barbrady.
- Stan: Oh, I'm sorry. What did I say?
- Officer Barbrady: You said "Buttbaby".
- Dr. Doctor: Boys, I'm afraid your fat little friend has suffered head trauma.
- Stan What's the matter with him.
- Dr. Doctor: Well, apparently, he thinks he's a Vietnamese prostitute named Ming Li.
- Kyle: ..Oh.
- Stan: But can he still ride a bull?
- Dr. Doctor: What?
- Kyle: We need him to win a bull-riding contest so we can get Terrance and Phillip dolls. Can he still do it?
- Dr. Doctor: No, boys! You need to take him home and let him get plenty of sleep.
- Kyle: Damn it!
Chef Aid [2.14]
- Chef: Two million dollars?! The only way I can raise that kind of money is by whoring myself to every woman in town!
- Kyle: Wow! Elton John's house is bigger than Cartman's ass!
- Cartman: No it isn't, you guys.
- [repeated line]
- Record Exec: I AM ABOVE THE LAW!
- Johnnie Cochran: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about it: That does not make sense! Why would a Wookiee, an eight-foot tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor with a bunch of two-foot tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! But more important, you have to ask yourself: What does this have to do with this case? Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It does not make sense! Look at me. I'm a lawyer defending a major record company, and I'm talking about Chewbacca! Does that make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense! None of this makes sense! And so you have to remember, when you're in that jury room deliberating and conjugating the Emancipation Proclamation, [approaches and softens] does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it does not make sense! If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must acquit! The defense rests.
- Johnnie Cochran: Look at the monkey! Look at the silly monkey! [jury member's head explodes]
Spookyfish [2.15]
- Kyle: Dude, why is your store called the Indian Burial Ground Pet Store?
- Shop Owner: Well, there was an Indian burial ground here before I bought it.
- Stan: So you just built your store on top of an Indian burial ground?
- Shop Owner: Hell no! I dug up all the bodies, pissed on them, and then buried them again upside-down.
- Kyle: Why?
- Shop Owner: Why? I don't know why, I was drunk!
- Kyle: Did you get the pumpkin, Kenny?
- Kenny: Uh-huh. [puts a squash on the table]
- Cartman: What the heck is that?
- Kenny: It's all I could afford!
- Evil Cartman: [singing] You guys are my best friends
Through thick and thin, we've always been together
Four of kind, having fun all day
Palling around, and laughing away
Just best friends, best friends are we!
I love you, guys.
- Kitty: Meow.
- Cartman: No Kitty, this is my pot pie!
- Kitty: Meow.
- Cartman: NO KITTY, THAT'S A BAD KITTY!!!
- Evil Cartman: Who's my Kitty? Who's my Mr. Kitty? My fluffy old pal? Yes, that's a guy, that's my Mr. Kitty, yes.
- Cartman: ... NO KITTY, BAD KITTY!!!! [Kitty runs away, much to Evil Cartman's shock] Ha ha, you suck dude.
- Randy: Sharon,
- Sharon: Yes Hun?
- Randy: There's a policeman being held prisoner in our basement.
- Sharon: Yes, Hun, I had to restrain him so he wouldn't find the bodies in the back yard and take our baby away.
- Randy: Why did you take his pants off?
- Sharon doesn't reply
- Randy: ... Sh ... Sharon ... Why did you take his pants off?
- Cartman: [singing] You guys are hella-stupid, you guys are hella-lame, you guys are hella-dumb, hella, hella, hella!
- Kyle: Damn it!
- Cartman: [coming down the stairs with his friends and Elvin] My family sucks ass!
- Kyle: Yeah, they do!
- Stan: All families suck ass!
- Reporter: This is Robert Pooner reporting live from Nebraska, where escaped convict Charlie Manson has walled himself up in a house. We understand that there are hostages and that the situation is critical, so we would like to remind you all that this live hostage crisis is being brought to you by Palmoral Sun Block. If it isn't Palmoral, you're going to get cancer.
- George Bailey: You can't go around buying people off, Mr. Potter. Do you know what you are? You're a little bitch. That's right, you're a bitch and I bet you'd like to suck it, now wouldn't you?
- Kid: I drove all the way from Montana to see Mr. Hankey.
- Kyle: That's nice, kid. I knew Mr. Hankey before he was even famous.
- Cartman: How the hell did Mr. Hankey get so popular? Look at all this Mr. Hankey stuff. [a display is seen of Mr. Hankey caps, T-shirts, cups, figurines, and posters]
- Elvin: Mr. Hankey kicks ass!
- Cartman: And another thing: it says that Mr. Hankey is also appearing at the Crossroads Mall!
- Kyle: So?
- Cartman: So, how can Mr. Hankey be here, and in another mall at the same time?
- Kyle: Dude, Mr. Hankey has magic powers. He can do whatever he wants. [Charlie Manson and Kenny stare at each other. The line moves up]
- Manson: [to Kenny] How would you like to come with me to a more secluded part of the mall?
- Kenny: (Okay) [they walk off]
- Stan: I really like that guy.
- Cartman: Oh, it looks like you finished your Fudgecicle, Elvin.
- [Elvin looks at his hands and actually realize that he finished his fudgesicle, then begins to cry, demanding another one]
- Cartman: Ah damnit, be quiet, Elvin!
- [Elvin is still crying]
- Cartman: Shut up, Elvin!
- [grabs a stick from out of nowhere and hits him on the back of the head. Elvin is now catatonic, but manages a blink]
- Cartman: No, Elvin, BAD Elvin! [seeing that Elvin is not responding, he looks around]
Gnomes [2.17]
- Stan: Okay, we have to do this stupid report, so...
- Tweek [anxiously twitching]: Uuuunnnnhh! Unh, unh, unh, ur-hmm! Urr-hmm-hmm!
- Tweek: Aah!! Too much pressure!!
- Stan: Great. Lotta help you are, kid.
- Tweek: The Gnomes!
- Stan: What?
- Tweek: We can do our report on the Gnomes.
- Underpants Gnome: Phase one: collect underpants. Phase two: [silence] Phase three: profit!
- Mr. Tweek: Mr. Postum, you have a lot to learn about making coffee.
- Mr. Postum: And you don't? Your coffee tastes like 3 day-old moldy diarrhea!
- [Tweek is worried about his family becoming poor]
- Cartman: You can always go on welfare. Just look at Kenny's family, they're perfectly happy being poor and they're on welfare. Right, Kenny?
- Kenny: Fuck you!
- Cartman: Heh-heh, you suck, Kenny.
- [An Underpants Gnomes's cart has just flattened Kenny]
- Stan: [rushed and monotone] Oh my God, they killed Kenny.
- Kyle: [same tone] You bastards. [to the Underpants Gnome] Listen, we have to give a huge speech tomorrow about corporate takeovers!
- Underpants Gnome: Holy shoot, we killed your friend!
- Stan: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, we got to know about corporate takeovers tomorrow or we're screwed!
- Underpants Gnome: Christ, we squished him like a bug!
- Kyle: Shh. Don't scare him.
- Stan: Hey, there, little guy.
- Cartman: BAD. [hits the Underpants Gnome with a stick]
- Kyle: Cartman!
- Cartman: What?!
- Kyle: Why do you always have to hit stuff with a stick?
- Cartman: Well look at him. He's all... look at him. [hits the Gnome with the stick again]
- Underpants Gnome: Is that all you got, pussy?
- Cartman: What?!
- Stan: Hey, he talked!
- Gnome: Not much longer now....
- Cartman: Oh, you're taking us to your little pussy house?
- Gnome: No, pussy, I'm taking you to my village!
- Cartman: Oh, your pussy village?
- Stan: Cartman, will you just shut up and let him show us?
Prehistoric Ice Man [2.18]
- Stan: Good job, Cartman, you killed Kyle!
- Kenny: [muffled] You bastard!
- Cartman: Well, he shouldn't have called me fat!
- Stan: Why the hell not? That's like calling the sky blue!
- Cartman: Well, screw him, he's dead! Let's go look for crocodiles!
- Australian Outback Guy: [examining dirt] I think he came through here recently.
- Cartman: [imitating Australian Outback Guy] Yeah, I think the same thing.
- Government Agent 1: Well where the heck is he? We have to get him back to the lab!
- Dr. Mephisto: He can't function out here in our time!
- Australian Outback Guy: Calm down, calm down!
- Cartman: [imitating Australian Outback Guy] Yeah, calm down, calm down, you sons of bitches!
- Cartman: [lodged in a cow's anus] Aw, it smells like Kenny's house in here!
- Kyle: [about the frozen man they found] His name is Steve!
- Stan: His name is Gorak!
- Larry: My name is Larry.
Season 3
South Park: Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 | Bigger, Longer & Uncut | Specials: The Streaming Wars, Joining the Panderverse, (Not Suitable for Children), The End of Obesity
South Park (1997–present) is an adult animated television series created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado.
Rainforest Schmainforest [3.1]
- Cartman: What if you don't have any rhythm?
- Miss Stevens: Excuse me?
- Cartman: Well, like my friend Kyle. He's Jewish, so he doesn't have any rhythm.
- Kyle: SHUT UP, FAT ASS!
- Stan: Choirs suck!
- Mr. Garrison: Whoa. KYLE BROFLOVSKI, YOU WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE! ERIC CARTMAN, YOU BE NICE TO PEOPLE! STAN MARSH, YOU MIND YOUR MANNERS! KENNY MCCORMICK, YOU PAY ATTENTION! [deep sigh] Go ahead.
- Miss Stevens: Well, uh.. that's all, really. So if anyone is interested in seeing the rain forest and joining our choir, I'll leave information packets up front.
- Cartman: Oh, that's good. We need some more toilet paper. [Stan and Kyle laugh]
- Mr. Garrison: ALRIGHT, THAT DOES IT!
- Mr. Mackey: I am tired of seeing you in my office, young man! You get sent here every day, Craig!
- Craig: I know.
- Mr. Mackey: Why can't you behave?
- Craig: ..I don't know.
- Mr. Mackey: What do you have to say for yourself? [beat] Well, I tell you what, young man. Uh, you're going to be held back a grade if you don't luh— [Craig sticks his right middle finger up] Did you just flip me off?
- Craig: [lowering his middle finger] No.
- Mr. Mackey: Yes you did, you just flipped me the bird! Now see, this is exactly what I'm talking about! If you don't shape up, m'kay, and get your head straight— [Craig sticks up his right middle finger again] There! You just flipped me off again!
- Craig: No, I didn't.
- Mr. Mackey: Yes, you did! And until you stop flipping people off, you can just go back to the waiting room! M'kay? Next! [as Craig leaves, Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman enter] Well, well, well, if it isn't Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Eric.
- Kyle: Hey, Craig.
- Cartman: Hey, don't flip me off, you son of a bitch!
- Stan: Ah! A snake!
- Kyle: No, dude, that's a branch.
- Stan: Oh. Ah! It's a snake!
- Kyle: No, dude, that's the same branch again.
- Stan: Ahhhhhh!
- Miss Stevens: Stan, what is it?
- Stan: Snake! [points to a snake, everyone gasps]
- Pablo: Oh yes, this is what we call a coral snake. Notice the red markings. Quite an amazing creature.
- [Stan screams and runs away]
- Pablo: What's the matter, little boy?
- Cartman: He's a little wuss, what's it look like?
- Stan: I'm just scared of snakes.
- Pablo: Now, now, you must remember. This snake is more afraid of us than we are of it.
- [snake chokes Pablo to death]
- Miss Stevens: Oh, my God!
- [snake starts to eat Pablo]
- Cartman: Yeah, that snake is pretty scared of us, alright.
- [snake continues to eat Pablo]
- Miss Stevens: Jesus Christ! Is he dead?
- [snake excretes remains of Pablo]
- Stan: Dude!
- Kyle: My guess would be yes.
- Miss Stevens: Oh, no! God, no! Now, don't panic, children...
- Cartman: [hitting coral snake with a stick] Bad! That's a bad snake! [runs away as the snake starts chasing him]
- Kelly: [to Kenny] Lenny, can I tell you something?
- Kenny: Uh-huh?
- Kelly: I think I like you.
- Kenny: Really?
- Kelly: Yes, I think we communicate really well.
- Kenny: Wow, that's great!
- Kelly: No, that's not great.
- Kenny: That's not great?
- Kelly: Yes, I live on the opposite side of the country, and when this choir tour ends, we'll never see each other again, and I'm only going to get my heart broken! I just can't get feelings for you! I just can't, Lenny!
- Kenny: [frustrated] Awwwww!
- Cartman: Mister! You got to help me, I'm starving to death!
- Worker: What are you doing out here, little boy?
- Cartman: I was with my class, and we got all lost in the rain forest and I need some food; I'm fading fast...!
- Worker: Lost in the rain forest? Oh my Lord! Where are all the others?
- Cartman: Food! I have to have food! [collapses]
- Worker: Oh my God! Get this child some food quick!
- Cartman: [lifts his head up] Chicken wings.
- Worker: Chicken wings!
- Cartman: [lifts his head again] Medium spicy.
- Kelly: [crying] Oh, stop! I want to go home! I hate the rain forest!
- Kenny: [stops and hugs her] Come on, it'll be all right.
- Kelly: Oh, Lenny, hold me. Oh no, I can't get attached to you. Oh, but I do like you. But I'm only going to get my heart broken.
- Kenny: [frustrated] Aw, FUCK YOU!
- Kelly: Lenny, if we make it out of this, I wanna be your girlfriend, even if we live on either side of the country, I don't care. [moves over to cuddle Kenny. Kelly attempts pick her nose, which proves difficult because she is tied up]
- Kelly: Okay, Lenny, in order to keep up our long-distance relationship, we have to call each other every other day.
- Kenny: Okay. [lightning bolt strikes him]
- Kelly: Lenny! No!
- Stan: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
- Kyle: You bastards!
- Kelly: What? Who killed him?
- Stan: Uh, they did.
- Kelly: Who's "they"?
- Stan: You know, they.
- Kyle: They're, they're bastards.
- Kelly: Well, don't just stand there, help him.
- Kyle: Help him?
- Kelly: Argh! [pounds on Kenny's stomach] Breathe! [gives him CPR] Breathe! [pounds on his stomach some more] Breathe, you son of a bitch! [Kenny coughs]
- Kyle: [shocked] Whoa, dude!
- Stan: Ms. Stevens, you have a bug on your back.
- Miss Stevens: Oh, could you swat it off? [turns around to reveal giant fly on her back]
- Stan: No...
- Miss Stevens: Alright, that does it! God damn, stupid ass rain forest! This place fucking sucks! I was wrong! Fuck the rain forest! I fucking hate it, I fucking hate it!
- Cartman: (whacking a squirrel monkey with a stick) Bad monkey! Bad!
- Miss Stevens: Eric, what the heck are you doing?!
- Cartman: I'm asserting myself through tough love, just like my Mr. Kitty. When he's bad, I say "that's a bad Mr. Kitty", and I smack him on the head.
- Cartman (whacking a three toed sloth with a stick) Bad! That's a bad three toed sloth!
- Miss Stevens: Eric, for God's sake, knock it off!
- Cartman: (throws the stick at the sloth) Respect my authoritah!
Spontaneous Combustion [3.2]
- Kyle: I just want a nurection so I can give it to my mom.
- Pedestrian: What?
- Kenny: (muffled speech)
- Cartman: Oh, where are you gonna go, Kenny? You going to see your little girlfriend again?
- Kenny [muffled]: Yeah, dude. She saved me.
- Cartman: Dude, you spend way too much time with that girl if you know...--
- [Kenny's body spontaneously ignites and quickly turns to ashes, surprising Cartman, Stan, and Kyle]
- Stan: Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!
- Kyle: You bastards!
- Cartman: What the hell happened to him?
- Stan: He just...ignited.
- Stan: That's the fifth store we've been kicked out of. Why is it so hard to get an erection?
- Kyle: So Jesus died and then three days later he had an erection.
- Cartman: [on the cross] You guys are in big trouble, now get me down from nyah!
- Stan: What are you doing, Dad?
- Randy: Stanley, I think it's best you live with Kyle from now on. His dad is better than me.
- Stan: No, he's not. He can't even get an erection!
- Randy: He he he! Really?
- Mayor: Marsh, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you! Find the cause of spontaneous combustion or else!
- Randy: Or else what?
- Mayor: Exactly!
- Priest Maxi: Now, let us pray. Lord, though we have lost Neil Smith to free agency and Steve Atwater to the Jets, still, we hope our beloved Broncos can bring home another Super Bowl championship, and once again bathe in the glory of your light. Amen.
- Priest Maxi: Good. Boys, how would you like to perform the Stations of the Cross this Friday night?
- Stan: The what?
- Priest Maxi: It's like a skit, where you re-enact the death and glorious resurrection of Jesus Christ.
- Kyle: Hey, res-erection! That's what my dad needs!
- Stan: Well, we're going to go work on getting Kyle's dad an erection. [the boys go up the stairs]
- Randy: [resumes] Yes, yes, of course. I've got work to do. [the door closes] What?
- Cartman: I'm going to be Jesus!
- Kyle: You're too fat to be Jesus!
- Cartman: Oh, like you're going to do it, Jew?!
- Kyle: Stan should be Jesus.
- Cartman: Either I'm Jesus or else screw you guys, I'm going home!
- Kyle: You're such a fat baby!
- Cartman: Well, I guess you guys can do the Stations of the Cross by yourselves.
- Kyle: All right, all right, you can be Jesus, you tubby cry-baby!
- Cartman: Stick and stones may break my bones, but I'm Jesus and you aren't.
- [Randy's dream]
- [The Most Popular Man In South Park. Hands move him over the crowd]
- Crowd: Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!
- Man: We love you, Randy.
- Woman: Make love to me, Randy. Please!
- Chef: I got something to tell you.
- Cartman: What?
- Chef: You're not gonna like it.
- Cartman: What?
- Chef: It's really going to piss you off.
- Cartman: What?
- Chef: Okay. This is a dream. You still on that cross!
- Cartman: [wakes up] Goddammit!
- Priest Maxi: Blessed be the name of Jesus!
- Crowd: It's a great name, isn't it?
- Cartman: [to Stan and Kyle] When I get down from here, I'm going to kick you both right in the nuts!
- [after Randy tells the crowd how to save themselves]
- Crowd: Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!
- Man: We love you, Randy.
- Old Woman: [in a wheelchair] Make love to me, Randy. Please!
- Cartman: Officer Barbrady!
- [Officer Barbrady looks at Cartman, who is crucified]
- Officer Barbrady: Ooh, a T... T..is for turtle. [walks away]
The Succubus [3.3]
- Mr. Derp: Ain't I a great character? My antics go right to the funny bone!
- Mr. Garrison: And never let poontang come between you and your friend!
- Chef: Damn right, Garrison!
- Stan: Excuse me, we're looking for Chef.
- Woman at front desk: Chef?
- Kyle: He's a big guy with a beard.
- Stan: And a chef's hat.
- Kenny: And a real huge dick.
- Woman at front desk: Oh, the black guy.
- Stan: huh?
- Chef's Father: Well, aren't you crackers just cute as the dickens?
- Stan: You're Chef's parents?
- Chef's Mother: Yes, all his life.
- Kyle: [in a hurry] We have to talk to him!
- Chef's Father: Well, he should be out now directly.
- Chef's Mother: He's so excited about the wedding now.
- Chef's Father: Say, would you crackers like to hear about the time we saw the Loch Ness Monster?
- Stan: No, that's okay.
- Chef's Father: Ooh, it must have been about seven, eight years ago. Me and the little lady was out on this boat, you see, all alone at night, when all of the sudden this huge creature, this giant crustacean from the Paleolithic Era, comes out of the water.
- Chef's Mother: We were so scared, Lord have mercy, I jumped up in the boat, and I said, "Thomas, what on Earth is that creature?"
- Chef's Father: It stood above us looking down with these big red eyes...
- Chef's Mother: Oh, it was so scary!
- Chef's Father: ...and I yelled, I said, "What do you want from us, monster?" And the monster bent down, and said, "I need about tree-fitty."
- [long pause]
- Kyle: What's tree-fitty?
- Chef's Father: Three dollars and fifty cents.
- Chef's Mother: Tree-fitty.
- Stan: He wanted money?
- Chef's Father: That's right. I said, "I ain't giving you no tree-fitty, you goddamn Loch Ness Monster! Get your own goddamn money!"
- Chef's Mother: I gave him a dollar.
- Chef's Father: She gave him a dollar.
- Chef's Mother: I thought he'd go away if I gave him a dollar.
- Chef's Father: Well, of course he's not gonna go away, Mary! You give him a dollar, he's gonna assume you've got more!
- Priest Maxi: Do you, Chef, take this woman as your lawful-wedded wife, to have and to-
- Chef: I do!
- Chef's Mother: Aah, my baby's getting married!
- Priest Maxi: And do you, Veronica, take Chef to be your daddy?
Tweek vs. Craig [3.4]
- Mr. Adler: Don't screw around in Shop Class!
- [After writing a suicide note, Mr. Adler lies on a conveyor belt and it takes him feet-first to a buzz-saw, which he hopes will kill him]
- Mr. Adler: Jesus Christ! [sits up and re positions himself to go head-first] What was I thinking? That would've hurt like hell!
- Cartman: I guess you don't care about what Tweek said about your mom.
- Craig: Nope! [slams the door shut]
- Cartman: [surprised] God damn it. [knocks on door again. Craig answers again] Oh, I guess you don't want to hear what he had to say about your guinea pig?
- Craig: Said what?! What did he say about Stripe?
- Cartman: Oh nothing, just that you stick it up your leg before you go to bed every night.
- Craig: That son of a bitch, I'll kill him!
- [Tweek and Craig are wrestling each other]
- Mr. Adler: Don't screw around!
- [Kenny clings to the jigsaw to avoid getting hurt by Tweek and Craig]
- Mr. Adler: Stop screwing around! Hey, you're screwing around too much!
- [Kenny's parka gets caught in the spinning blade, causing him to get flung into a box of rusty nails]
- Stan: Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!
- Kyle: You bastards!
- Wendy: I requested to be in shop class, but they sent me here.
- Home EC. teacher: That's right, Wendy. You see, some of you girls will go on to have interesting jobs and careers. But all of you pretty ones won't have to worry about that, because you can marry a nice man. And that's why we have home EC.
- Home EC. teacher: Richard, aren't you going to invite me in?
- Mr. Adler: Why?
- Home EC. teacher: Well, I thought maybe you would at least at-tempt to make love to me tonight.
- Mr. Adler: Oh, well, uh, I can't. I left the oven on.
- Home EC. teacher: Oh, Richard, why can't you open your heart to me? Why?
- Mr. Adler: I just... I can't. Oh, I know. I have genital warts. [he begins closing the door]
- Home EC. teacher: We'll use plastic wrap.
- Mr. Adler:Nope. Sorry. Maybe some other time. [shuts the door on her face]
Jakovasaurs [3.5]
- Mayor: You're supposed to lose, you idiot!
- Officer Barbrady: Where am I?
- [From this point on the male Jakovasaur is known as Jakov]
- Jakov: Whoo, Niners! Go, Niners!
- Randy Marsh: Uh we're rooting for the Broncos here, Jakov.
- Jakov: [pause] Whooooo, Niners!
- Mr. Garrison: Now, wait a minute. I wanna clear the air here. We all know that pigeon was a whore. Raise your hand if you didn't sleep with that pigeon? [everybody around him raises his or her hand] Oh, whatever!
- Department of Interior Guy: Young man, we're making you an honorary Department of Interior person. You are officially in charge of South Park's fish and wildlife. You have authority over all of them.
- Cartman: [disbelieving pause] I have authoritah?
- Department of Interior Guy: That's right, and people must respect it.
- Cartman: Well, that should be fine—just fine.
- Department of Interior Guy: Fine, just fine.
- Cartman: Fine.
- Jimbo: Hey Ned, look what I bought you! A new voice box [teases Ned a while] Want it? You want it? Yeah, you want it. Here. Try it out, Ned.
- Ned: [in an Irish accent] Ah, Jimbo, I can't thank you enough for the new voice box. [realizes he's got an Irish accent] What the devil is this, then?
- Jimbo: Aw, no! I must've picked up the Irish model by mistake.
- Ned: [still in an Irish accent] Oh, what a bloody pickle this is. Did ya keep the receipt then?
- Stan: Oh, no, there's nothing worse than Cartman with authoritah!
- [The boys are camping by the pond]
- Cartman: Hey guys, check out this song I made up, it's called "I hate you guys." [singing] I hate you guys! You guys are assholes! Especially Kenny! I hate him the most!
Sexual Harassment Panda [3.6]
- Sexual Harassment Panda Song:
- Who lives in the east 'neath the willow tree?
- Sexual Harassment… Panda!
- Who explains sexual harassment to you and me?
- Sexual Harassment… Panda!
- Don't say that, don't touch there…
- Don't be nasty says the silly bear!
- He's come to tell you what's right and wrong…
- Sexual Harassment… Panda!
- Mr. Garrison: Now kids we're going to talk about sexual harassment
- Cartman: Is sexual harassment when you're making out with a girl and a guy tickles your balls from behind?
- Mr. Garrison: No, Cartman, That's not sexual harassment.
- Gerald: You see, Kyle, we live in a liberal, democratic society. And democrats make sexual harassment laws. These laws tell us what we can and can't say in the workplace, and what we can and can't do in the workplace.
- Kyle: Isn't that fascism?
- Gerald: No, because we don't call it fascism. Do you understand?
- Kyle: Do you?
- Petey the Sexual Harassment Panda: When one Panda puts his furry little willy in another Panda's ear, that makes me a saaaaaaaaad Panda.
- Petey the Sexual Harassment Panda: How would you like a big Panda punch in your puss?
- Skeeter: Hey Panda Bear! We don't take kindly to your types around here.
- Bartender: Now, Skeeter, he isn't hurting nobody.
- Skeeter: No! I want to know something from Mr. Panda Bear here. If you pandas are from mountainous areas of China and Tibet, how come you only eat bamboo which is prone to grow in dryer, more arid regions?
- Another misfit mascot: Hello kids, I'm Hoppy the 'don't do stuff that might irritate your inner ear' badger.
- Worm: Hello there, boys.
- Stan: Whoa! Who are you?
- Worm: I'm Willy, the "Don't Stare Directly Into The Sun" Worm. Now, you boys know not to stare directly into the sun, right?
- Boys: Yes.
- Willy: That can burn your retinas and make you blind. [pulls out some shades and a cane, puts on the shades, and sticks the cane out, to simulate a blind person, then puts his props away]
- Stan: ...Thanks a lot, dude.
- Pig: [rushes up snapping two pairs of scissors around] Oink oink! Be sure to run around with scissors, says Oinky, the "Run Around With Scissors" Pig.
- Cartman: I thought you weren't supposed to run around with scissors.
- Willy: That's why he's on the Island Of Misfit Mascots. [Oinky walks away]
Cat Orgy [3.7]
- Shelley: They're having a cat orgy!
- Cartman: They mostly come out at night...mostly.
- Skyler: Okay, check check, check, 1, 2, check. Okay, ready? All right, let's try the new song. This is a song I wrote for you, Shelley... When I saw her walking down the street, I thought she was Shelley, Shelley.
- Cartman: Aw, man, you guys suck.
- Skyler: Now that we're together I'm absolutely sure that she's Shelley, Shelley.
- Cartman: You're the crappiest band I have ever heard!
- Skyler: Move into my mom's house with me, Shelley, Shelley.
- Skyler: I pledge allegiance...to the flag...of the United States of...Shelley, Shelley!
- Cartman (as he's swinging from the coat rack, holding his ears): Oh my God, somebody shoot me in the head!
- Skyler: Hey, shut up, Tubby!
- Cartman: Don't call me fat! Now you guys are not supposed to be in nyah! You get out now and respect mah authoritah!
- Pip: Can I be Jaclyn Smith? Can I?
- Butters: No, uh, I get to be Jaclyn Smith. See, I thought of Charlie's Angels and I get to be Jaclyn Smith c-cause I thought of it.
- Gerald: Just because we shared an intimate moment in the hot tub, I'm not going to let it--
- Randy: We did not share an intimate moment, okay? That makes it sound gay!
- Mr. Garrison: Great party, Mr. Mackey. Mr. Hat just grabbed Principal Victoria's ass.
- Butters: Oh dear God, they're going to set us on fire. Oh great Jesus son of Mary, wife of Joseph! What are we going to do, huh? Oh sweet Joseph, husband of Mary but not father of sweet Jesus.
- Pip: We were just playing a game called Wicker-shams and Ducklers. Do you want to play?
- Stan: No.
- Pip: I'm the head Wicker-knicker. And you are all little Wicker-shams. We all sing the merry tune of Stratford until I yell, "Hurrah!" and then you all fall down laughing, and I join you, as I find it funny too.
- Jimbo: We're all a little gay.
- ATF Agent: We're not going to let them commit suicide, even if we have to kill them.
Jewbilee [3.9]
- Moses: I desire…macaroni pictures.
- Kyle: He [Kenny] doesn't get cake?
- Moses: No cake for the impurity!
- Moses: And let us glue paper plates together with beans inside so when you shake them they make rattling noises.
- Rabbi: Paper plate bean shakers, of course!
- Moses: And let us put patterns of glue on the outside and glitter so they look all nice and sparkly.
- Elder Schwartz: You heard him, Scouts! Let's get to work!
- Radio Announcer: How do you feel about the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt, little boy?
- Stan: This one time, like eight months ago, I saw two guys kissing in a park. And that was the gayest thing I'd ever seen, until I saw the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt.
- Cartman: Hey you guys! You know what time of year it is?
- Kyle: Of course, dumb ass, it's Halloween.
- Cartman: That's right, and that means only two more months till Christmas! [singing] You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry...
- Stan: Christmas?
- Cartman: ...Christmastime is presents for me.
- Guide: Welcome to Spooky Laboratory. [pulls out a blindfold and puts it over Cartman's eyes] I'm your guide, Dr. Spookalot. Allow me to show around the lab. [leads him to a table on which is a bowl of eggs and a bowl of Jell-o cubes]
- Cartman: Cool!
- Dr. Spookalot: Here I have a bowl of human eyeballs.
- Cartman: [rolls his fingers around the eggs] Ew-ho-ho.
- Dr. Spookalot: [switches bowls] And here you can feel the brains.
- Cartman: [rolls his fingers through the Jell-o cubes] Oh-ho, gross.
- Dr. Spookalot: [leads him to a donkey] And here you can feel the warm innards of the body. [Cartman reaches into the donkey's anus and the donkey looks surprised]
- Cartman: Ew, it feels like cold spaghetti! You guys, it feels like cold spaghetti!
- Stan: [walks up with Kyle and Kenny] Come on, fat ass, we have to go!
- Cartman: Ey! Don't call me fat! [Mrs. Cartman giggles] Mom, don't laugh.
- Mrs. Cartman: I'm sorry, hon.
- Cartman: [to his friends] I can't go with you guys right now.
- Stan: Yes you can, Porky. [Mrs. Cartman giggles again]
- Cartman: Mom, seriously! [her giggles die down]
- Mrs. Cartman: Oh, that's not funny, boys. Eric isn't fat, he's big-boned.
- Kyle: He must have a huge bone in his ass, then. [Cartman's mom bursts out laughing]
- Cartman: God damn it, Mom!
- Stan: OK. It's almost open. Ready? 1, 2, 3! [they pry the door open, and then jump back and peer in] Whoa, dude.
- Kyle: Oh, my God. [the corpse sways to the right, against the casket wall] Hi, Grandma.
- Voice: Hi, Kyle.
- Kyle: [hops back] Aah!
- Cartman: [providing the voice] Have you been a good boy, Kyle? Have you been making Grandma proud?
- Kyle: Dammit, Cartman, that's not funny!
- Stan: [chuckling] Eh eh, yes it is.
- Cartman: We could shove a stick up her ass and use her like a puppet: "Rowr, rowr, I'm Scary Grandma!"
- Sheila: Dug her up? Why?
- Brunet: Well. The most likely reason is that somebody wanted to have sex with her dead body.
- Blond: Yep.
- Sheila: What?!
- Brunet: Uh-huh, we don't want to upset you, but it happens. Somebody's probably making love to her corpse as we speak.
- Blond: Every vile position, every disrespectful act imaginable.
- Sheila: Oh, dear God!
- Brunet: Yes. By now he's probably even removed her eyes and made love to the empty sockets as well.
- Sheila: [sadly rubs her eyes] Ooh.
- Blond: Now, we don't want to upset you, but you should know that your mother's body would be stiff and dry, so he would have to have it soaked in warm water for several hours before making love to it.
- Sheila: Ooh!
- Brunet: Yes. And, now for the difficult part.
- Blond: Brace yourself.
- Brunet: It is highly possible that he has created new orifices in her decomposing flesh, leaving her to look something like an over loved hunk of Swiss cheese. She probably--
- Sheila: Okay, okay! I get the point! Just tell me what you're going to do about it!
- Brunet: Do?
- Blond: Oh, we don't do anything. We're just the watchmen.
- Brunet: Yeah, I guess, maybe, you might want to call the police or something.
- Jonathan Davis: Well, that does it. Something funny is going on here. Your missing grandma must be connected somehow to those creepy pirate ghosts.
- David: They're not pirate ghosts, Jonathan, they're ghost pirates.
- Jonathan Davis: Huh?
- David: "Pirate ghost" would suggest that a pirate died, and became a ghost, but a ghost pirate is a ghost that later made a conscious decision to be a pirate.
- Munky: No, David. Then they are pirate ghosts, because they're the ghosts of pirates.
- Fieldy: You're wrong, because there were no pirates in Colorado. So these must be ghosts that have decided to become pirates after the fact.
- Jonathan Davis: But that makes them pirate ghosts.
- David: No, it makes them ghost pirates.
- Munky: Pirate ghosts!
- Head: Guys! Guys! Guys! Fighting isn't gonna solve anything. Don't you see? This is exactly what those ghost pirates want us to do.
- Jonathan Davis: Pirate ghosts.
- Jonathan Davis: All right, gang. We have to split up and look for clues.
- Stan: How do we split up?
- Jonathan Davis: I know. Let's have everyone who enjoys having obstacles in their life which they can overcome go this way. And everyone whose insecurity sabotages their potential to overcome these obstacles go that way.
- All of Korn: OK!
- Kyle: [joined the first group] Wow! That was easy!
Chinpokomon [3.10]
- Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, I want it quiet! [the class is quiet] Now, we're gonna try this again until we get it right! What is six times three?
- Stan: Juuhachi desu ka?
- Class: Juuhachi da ne!
- Mr. Garrison: No, goddamn it, it's 18!
- Stan: Juuhachi is 18, Garrison-san.
- Mr. Garrison: For the last time, my name is not Garrison-San, all right? And this is not Hat-San! And you all better start talking in a manner that I can understand!
- Cartman: Ooh, Garrison-san sabuchii da na.
- Mr. Garrison: What did he say?!
- Stan: He said, Garrison-San sabuchii da na.
- Class: Sou desu nee!
- Mr. Garrison: Damn it, this is not Japan!
- Cartman: Minata! Kite kite, churi! [farts; the class laughs]
- Wendy: Dare ga pu shita no.
- Mr. Garrison: ARRGGHHH!!!
Hooked on Monkey Fonics [3.11]
- Mayor: Okay, our next contestant is Eric Cartman. [a happy Cartman comes to the stand] Alright, Eric, here's your word: "chair". [Cartman looks at Fonics Monkey, only to wave in response]
- Cartman: [whispers] Come on, Fonics Monkey, drum! [Fonics Monkey looks to the left, but no response] Come on! [Fonics Monkey starts to masturbate]
- Mayor: Eric, your word is "chair".
- Cartman: Uh...definition?
- Mayor: Something you sit on.
- Cartman: Country of origin?
- Mayor: English.
- Cartman: Could you please use it in a sentence?
- Mayor: Oh, for Christ's sake, kid, the word is "chair"!
- Cartman: Um..."chair". C-h-a-r-e. [buzz] Goddamn it, how come I get the hard one?! Get over here, you son of a bitch Fonics Monkey!
- Kyle: You got my note?
- Rebecca: Uh huh, of course. You taped it to my dog. How could I not see it?
- Kyle: Can we sit down?
- Rebecca: Why not? Isn't Papa's garden beautiful? He works so hard on it.
- Kyle: Rebecca, don't you ever look at the town? At that flicker of light over there?
- Rebecca: I have looked at it.
- Kyle: Well, that's a public school. And in it, there are children, just like us.
- Rebecca: How can children go to school on a flicker of light?
- Kyle: From public school, your house is just a flicker of light. Don't you want to go out? All you do is stay in your house and study.
- Rebecca: What else would one do?
- Kyle: Love, for one thing.
- Rebecca: And what is love?
- Kyle: Love...is the most important thing on Earth. When boys and girls feel love, they kiss.
- Rebecca: What means this kiss?
- Kyle: When a man and a woman feel...love, they put their lips together.
- Rebecca: Oh, you mean a mate. When it is time to increase the herd, my provider will select one for me.
- Kyle: Rebecca, in public school, we select our own mate. In public school, men and women get together, make each other happy.
- Rebecca: You certainly come from a strange place. Still, I would like to try this...kiss. [Kyle turns around, relieved] So I can write about it. [Kyle comes and sits down next to her again] So how do we do it?
- Kyle: I'm not completely sure.
- Rebecca: Perhaps we should look it up.
- Kyle: No, I think it's something we should try a few times... [leans in closer] until we get it... [leans even closer] right... [they lean in and kiss quickly]
- Rebecca: Wow...wow, that was fun. [grabs Kyle and kisses him again, though more passionately]
- Kyle: Does that mean you'll go to the dance?
- Rebecca: You bet your sweet ass I will.
- Kyle: [with a bouquet of flowers] I can't. I have to wait for Rebecca to show up.
- Stan: Oh, brother! [shows his displeasure to the others]
- Kyle: Don't you "Oh, brother" me! She's the woman of my dreams!
- Stan You suck now, Kyle! [walks away with the other boys]
- Kyle: You suck!
- Principal Victoria [on stage] Boys and girls, can I have your attention, please? This year we have a very special guest performing the South Park Elementary Bay Of Pigs Memorial Dance. He was a musical force in the '70's and '80's. Please welcome Ronnie James Dio! [walks off as the curtains part. Dio appears with his band. The kids look back and say nothing]
- Dio: Are you ready to rock, boys and girls?! [silence] I said, are you ready to rock?!
- Butters Uh, uuh, sure uh, I guess.
- Dio: Then let's hit it! [the band begins to play] I know you all remember this one. It's off my first solo album. The song that you all helped me make number 1. Holy Diver, you've been down too long in the midnight sea. Oh, what's-
- Craig: ["-becoming of me?"] Hey, there he is! There's the home-schooled kid! [Mark enters and stands next to Kyle] Come on! Let's go duct-tape him to the flagpole! ["Ride the tiger."]
- Butters: Hey, isn't that the home-schooled kid's sister? ["You can see his stripes but you know he's clean."]
- Rebecca: [dressed as a slut] Hi, guys. ["Oh, don't you see what I mean?" She walks up to Butters, kisses him, and walks away]
- Butters: Woo-oh Holy Cow! [Kyle and Mark are quite surprised. "Gotta get away."]
- Rebecca: [walks over to Tolkien] He-ey, baby. Come s-see me later, 'kay? [grabs his ass and walks off]
- Tolkien: What the-? Damn, baby. [rubs his ass. Red looks angrily at Rebecca. Kyle is shocked, and Mark has left]
- Rebecca: [walks over to Kyle] Hey, Kyle. Wanna go make out?
- Kyle: Rebecca. You...
- Mark: [returns] Rebecca, what the devil are you doing? [Pip walks by]
- Rebecca: I'm... having... fun, Mark. [reels Pip back and kisses him]
- Pip: Oh, my goodness! [hurries off]
- Mark: You're out of control. [turns to Kyle] You did this to my sister!
- Kyle: Uh. All I did was show her how to-
- Mark: You made my sister into a slut! I'll kill you! [leaps at him and slaps him around. The kids gather around to watch the fight, and Dio plays on. Mark throws Kyle into the air]
- Kyle: [landing on his back] Aaaah!
- Mark: [pounces on again] You bitch! I'm gonna whip your bitch ass! [slaps him around some more]
- Kyle: Ooww!
- Craig Oh my God!
- Stan: Dude, he's kicking the crap out of Kyle!
- Butters: Yeah. He's a badass! [smiles]
- Randy: [entering] Alright, alright, that's enough, boys. [takes Kyle with him]
- Mark: ...I'm not through with you, bitch! [Stan walks up]
- Stan: Hey, you're pretty cool, Mark. [Butters walks up]
- Butters: Yeah, tha-that was real badass how you stood up for your sister. Uh-uh-I'd have kicked Kyle's bitch ass, too.
- Stan: Do you wanna go have some cake with me, Mark? [Craig walks up]
- Craig:[grabbing Mark's right hand] No! He's my friend!
- Butters: [grabbing Mark's left hand] Eh, he said he'd hang out with me!
[Mark smiles, pleased that these guys would fight for his friendship]
Starvin' Marvin in Space [3.13]
- Stan: This is great!
- Cartman: Yeah, but where's that crappy song coming from? Could you turn that off?
- [Marvin turns off theme music]
- Stan: Yeah, that's better.
- Missionary: An alien race? Have they heard the word of Christ?
- Cartman: No, never! It's perfect!
- Cartman: Isn't the name of your planet already Marklar?
- Chief-Marklar: We on Marklar call all things, people and places Marklar.
- Kyle: Isn't that totally confusing?
- Chief-Marklar: No, not at all. Hey! Marklar!
- A Marklar in the crowd: Yes?
- Chief-Marklar: See!
- Sign on seized spaceship: PROPERTY OF U.S. GOVT. THANK YOU
- Kyle: Wait, I think I can explain this whole thing. Marklar, these marklars want to change your marklar. They don't want this marklar or any of these marklars to live here because it's bad for their marklar. They use marklars to try and force marklars to believe their marklars. If you let them stay here, they will build marklars and marklars. They will take all your marklars and replace them with marklar. These marklars have no good marklar to live on marklar so they must come here to marklar. Please, let these marklars stay where they can grow and prosper without any marklars, marklars, or marklars.
- Chief-Marklar: [slight pause; the humans look confused] Young one, your marklars are wise and true.
The Red Badge of Gayness [3.14]
- Cartman: [singing] Here's a little dreidel that's small and made of clay. But I'm not going to play with it 'cause dreidel's friggin' gay.
- Gerald: [singing] Courtney Cox, I love you. [Kyle stops and stares at Gerald] You're so hot [Sheila stops, then Stan] on that show.
- Kyle: Dad? [Cartman stops]
- Gerald: Courtney Cox,
- Kyle: Dad.
- Gerald: I- huh? [stops singing]
- Kyle: We're singing about a dreidel.
- Gerald: [stops dancing] ...Oh, sorry.
- Sheila: We'll talk about this later, Gerald!
- Rod Stewart: Poo pants.
- Jesus: What?
- Rod Stewart: Poo pants.
- Jesus: Poo pants?
- Rod Stewart: I pooped my pants.
- Jesus: Y-you pooped your pants?
- Rod Stewart: I pooped my pants.
- Jesus: Oh. Uh, nurse? Mr. Stewart has apparently pooped his pants.
- Nurse: Again? Now Mr. Stewart, what did we say about trying to hold in Mr. Dookie?
- Randy: [taken aback] That's God?
- Jesus: Yea, it's my Father, the Creator. He is the Alpha and the Omega.
- [A snake's tongue lashes out from God's mouth]
- Jesus: The Beginning and the End.
- Mr. Garrison: Well, yeah, but that?
- God: What did you expect me to look like, my son?
- Mr. Garrison: [thinks for a moment] Well not like that!
World Wide Recorder Concert [3.17]
- Mr. Garrison Sr.: Alright. Would you have sex with your son to save his life? [the others ponder the question]
- Patron 2: Oh, this is one of them Scruples questions, ain't it?
- Patron 1: No, no, I got a better one: Would you have sex with your mother to save your father's life?
- Patrons: [wondering] Woo, yeah.
- Patron 2: Oh, like if someone had a gun to your father's head and said, "Have sex with your mother or else I'll shoot him"?
- Patron 1: Yeah.
- Patron 2: Oh, that's a tough one.
- Patron 3: Hmm.
- Mr. Garrison Sr.: No no wait, uh, you don't understand.
- Blond: How about if someone made you have sex with your mother and father to save your own life?
- Patrons: No, no, no way. No.
- Patron 6: But if it was to save my mother's life, uh-I think I would have to have sex with my father.
- Patron 7: Yep.
- Patron 8: Me, too.
- Patron 9: Well, I think that goes without saying.
- Mr. Garrison Sr.: Well actually, I'm just...talking about a son.
- Patron 8: Well, personally, I would have sex with my son to save to save my mother's life. It depends, uh- how big a gun are we talking here?
- Mr. Garrison Sr.: Uh, he doesn't have a gun.
- Blond: The father doesn't have a gun?
- Mr. Garrison Sr.: No! Nobody's got a gun!
- Patron 3: I think if someone said, "Have sex with your mother or else I'm gonna kill your son," but he didn't have a gun, I wouldn't do it.
- Patron 2: He could have a knife, though.
- Patron 1: Yeah.
- Patron 3: Sure.
- Patron 1: Yeah, a knife.
- Bartender: If a killer put a knife to my throat, and said, "Have sex with your father or else I'm gonna kill your mother while having sex with you," I would have sex with myself.
- Reporter: Some even crapped themselves to death while others ruined a pair of good pants!
Season 4
South Park: Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 | Bigger, Longer & Uncut | Specials: The Streaming Wars, Joining the Panderverse, (Not Suitable for Children), The End of Obesity
South Park (1997–present) is an adult animated television series created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado.
- Cartman: [weighing his options] Hmm. Work for you. Have my penis cut off. Work for you. Have my penis cut off. Hmm, let's see.
- Cartman: Do not wake up 'til morning or I will kick you in the nuts. Ooh, in the nuts.
- Cartman: T-Tooth? What the hell? Mom!
- Liane: Yes, Eric.
- Cartman: You know, the tooth fairy forgot to bring me money last night! Call the police!
- Liane: Oh. Eric, poopie, sit down. Mommy has something to tell you. It's just that...well...there is no tooth fairy, Eric. I've been putting all that money under your pillow. And because you had so many teeth fall out, I've actually run out of money and can't go to the grocery store for at least a month.
- Cartman: You almost had me for a second there, Mom. Heh. "There's no tooth fairy." I suppose you're gonna tell me there's no Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, or Jesus, either. Heh heh. [She doesn't respond] ...M-Mom?
- Liane: I'm sorry, Eric. All children find out sooner or later.
- Cartman: Y-you're serious here. There really is no tooth fairy?
- Liane: No, honey. It's just--
- Cartman: How could--? How could you lie to me, mother? Lie right to my face?
- Liane: Oh, Eric, it's just part of being a child.
- Cartman: How can I trust you? How can I trust anyone ever again, mother? I guess, uh to make it through this life, I can only trust myself.
- Gerald: Oh, hello, son.
- Kyle: Dad, there is so a tooth fairy, huh?
- Gerald: What? Oh. Kyle, let's have a little talk.
- Kyle: Oh my God! You did lie to me!
- Gerald: No. Kyle, she's just make-believe. Like Peter Pan.
- Kyle: Peter Pan, too?
- Gerald: Kyle--
- Kyle: What about Moses and Abraham?
- Gerald: Well, they were probably real.
- Kyle: Probably? Is Atlantis real?
- Gerald: Probably not.
- [Kyle begins sobbing]
- Gerald: Look, Kyle, adults make up those things because they're fun for children.
- Kyle: Fun for children?! Fun for children?! Look at me, Dad! I don't even know what's real anymore! [leaves and sobs some more]
- Kyle: All right, let's go.
- Timmy: Go! Timm-ay! [shoots off on his wheelchair, pulling Kenny's tooth (which isn't loose) hard]
- Kenny: [howls; he is pulled out of his parka] Aargh!
- Cartman: [laughs] Look, guys! I can see Kenny's little pingling!
- Announcer of the ADA: Fellow dentists! As you all know, we are still having numerous reports of missing teeth from all over the country. There are also reports of missing tooth-fairy money. We believe that there can be only one logical reason for all of this: a giant half-chicken, half-squirrel, that steals either teeth or money from children as they sleep in order to build some kind of giant nest, for genetically superior and potentially dangerous offspring. We believe also that the creature would have at least a mild understanding of algebra, and that it...
- Dr. Foley: Excuse me, I think I have a more logical theory!
- Announcer: Well, by all means, Dr. Foley, enlighten us.
- Dr. Foley: I think what we've got here is some kind of black-market tooth racket. Something where one group is stealing the money and teeth from another group for a profit.
- Announcer: [all laughing] Oh, Dr. Foley! You realize how ridiculous that sounds?
- Dr. Foley: It's not ridiculous, it's very possible! I've seen it happen before!
- Announcer: Where?
- Dr. Foley: In Montreal.
- Announcer: [more laughing] And where, pray, is this "Montreal"?
- Dr. Foley: Look, I know how to handle this. All we have to do is bring down the kingpin and the rest will fall. You'll see! I'll have it taken care of in a matter of weeks!
- Announcer: Very well, Dr. Foley! You go on your wild goose chase, and meanwhile we'll deal with the real problems at hand.
- Dr. Foley: I will! [leaves]
- Announcer: [laughs] Anyway, the half-chicken, half-squirrel would most likely be about 3 to 4.5 feet tall. His large beak is probably detachable and works as a flotation device.
- Kyle: But you know, I've learned something today. You see, the basis of all reasoning is the mind's awareness of itself. What we think, the external objects we perceive, are all like actors that come on and off stage. But our consciousness, the stage itself, is always present to us.
- Cartman: [long pause] Tits.
- [Stan and Kyle give Cartman a cake with a nail file in it]
- Kyle: There's a ailnay ilefay inside of it.
- Cartman: A what?
- Kyle: [softly] An ailnay ilefay.
- Cartman: What's that?
- Kyle: Listen, aggotfay! An ailnay ilefay so you can eakbray out of isonpray!
- Stan: Yeah, you stupid umbassday!
- Cartman: I'd love to eat a cake, you guys, but they don't let us take anything back to the cells from here.
- Kyle: They on'tday?! [takes the cake down] Why the ellhay otnay?! It ooktay ourfay ourshay to akebay this od-damnedgay akecay, and ownay were otallytay ewedscray!
- Stan: [a brief pause] Yeah.
- Pip: Let's hear it for Cartman's big fat ass!
- [Cartman throws a stone at Pip, who is struck and falls]
- Cartman: Do British people count as an ethnicity for hate crimes?
- Others: Nah.
- Cartman: Sweet.
- Stan: You know something, guys? I think we all took Cartman's ass for granted.
Timmy 2000 [4.3]
- Mr. Garrison: Very good, Kyle. Now, who can tell me what famous person wrote the Declaration of Independence? Let's see. Oh, I know. How about the new student, Timmy?
- Timmy: Timmiihh!
- Mr. Garrison: No, it wasn't you, Timmy.
- Announcer: You're watching MTV, the cool, brainwashing, twelve-year-old-and-younger station that hides behind a slick image. We're so cool that we decide what's cool. And now, MTV News, the news that is highhandedly dumbing down our country. Which is cool. Here's your host, Kurt Loder.
- Kurt Loder: Why am I still doing this? I've got to be the oldest person in this network by at least 40 years.
- Announcer: Kurt Loder didn't just say that. No, wait, he did just say it, but just to be cool. That's what makes him cool. You think Kurt Loder is cool. And now, the news that's cool.
- Kurt Loder: Phil Collins, by the way, divorced his wife via fax and then married a 27-year-old.
Cartman Joins NAMBLA [4.5]
- Cartman: I've outgrown all of my friends. I need to meet more mature people, Clyde Frog. [stares at Clyde Frog] Ohhh, great idea, Clyde Frog! I can meet new friends on the internet! [on computer] Here's a chat room: "Men who like young boys"...that's perfect! [types a message under screen name 'BigBoned'] Hi everybody! I am a young boy seeking an older male for good times. I am eight years old and-- [he gets cut off and subsequently bombarded by messages from old guys] Wow, look at all these guys that want to be my friend! I'll pick...Tony316.
- [online conversation]
- BigBoned: Hi Tony!
- Tony316: So what R U into?
- BigBoned: Oh, U know, the usual stuff. :) [Cartman says it out loud as 'smiley face']
- Tony316: Kewl. Wanna get together? :) [Cartman again pronounces 'smiley face']
- BigBoned: Sure, Tony. That would be kewl. ;) [Cartman pronounces 'winking smiley face']
- Tony316: Meet me at Mel's Buffet Restaurant tomorrow morning.
- BigBoned: Sounds good, see ya then! <@:) [Cartman: Clown hat...curly hair...smiley face!]
- Cartman: [searching online for a new friend] Okay, let's try this again. [typing] Hi everyone. I am looking for fun times with older male. I like to-- [interrupted again by even more older men] Oh, this one looks good. "Hung Daddy". [typing] Hello, Hung Daddy.
- Hung Daddy: Hi. I am 8 1/2 inches.
- Cartman: Man, dude. This guy is tiny. He must be a dwarf. [typing] Sorry, I'm not interested in being friends with midgets. Midgets piss me off. :(
- Cartman: Why the hell does the FBI keep arresting all my friends?! This has to be the work of Stan and Kyle! God, I hate those guys!
- [In a jail cell]
- Tony: Do you like having your back rubbed?
- Mr. Garrison: Eat me, pervert.
- Tony: Okay...
- NAMBLA Leader: All these men wanted was to love a young boy! There is nothing wrong with love!
- Mr. Garrison: I did not want love from a young boy! I like men my own age. Ah! I mean, I like women! Ah! What did I just say?! Oh God, I like titties!
- NAMBLA Leader: You haven't heard the last of us, officer! Together we are strong. Come on, men! [leads the NAMBLA crowd away]
- Officer Barbrady: [sits down and plops his feet up] Wow, they've got activists for everything these days.
- Lead FBI Agent: All right, sickos, where are the children?!
- Dr. Mephesto: [confused] What children?
- Lead FBI Agent: This... is... NAMBLA, right?
- Dr. Mephesto: Yes.
- Lead FBI Agent The North American Man/Boy Love Association?
- Dr. Mephesto: What?! No! [points to the banner behind him] We're the North American Marlon Brando Look-Alikes!
- Blond FBI Agent: Aw crap, we got the wrong NAMBLA!
- Mr. Garrison: Aw dammit, I'm in the wrong place! [walks out]
- Stuart: Oh God, I'm going to crap my pants!
- Stuart: I'm not going to make it. I'm going to be sick. Oh, my stomach!
- Stan: Dude! I think these guys mean to have sexual encounters with us!
- Kyle: I know, dude! Let's get the hell out of here!
- [outside the hotel, as Stuart is being put into the ambulance]
- Kenny's Mom: Are you all right, Stuart?
- Stuart: Don't touch me! I've had my nuts broken, body poisoned, and been made love to in the ass by three dozen 40-year-old men! [sobs] I just want to go home and take a--a hot bath!
- [all the pedophiles are now arrested]
- Lead Agent: [to NAMBLA leader] We've been after you for a long time, buddy! Do you know your rights?
- NAMBLA Leader: Rights? Does anybody know their rights? You see, I've learned something today.
- [Stan and Kyle glance at each other]
- NAMBLA Leader: Our forefathers came to this country because...they believed in an idea. An idea called "freedom". They wanted to live in a place where a group couldn't be prosecuted for their beliefs. Where a person can live the way he chooses to live. You see us as being perverted because we're different from you. People are afraid of us, because they don't understand. And sometimes, it's easier to persecute than to understand.
- Kyle: Dude, you have sex with children!
- NAMBLA Leader: We are human. Most of us didn't even choose to be attracted to young boys. We were born that way. We can't help the way we are, and if you all can't understand that, well, then... I guess you'll just have to put us away!
- Kyle: [slowly, for emphasis] Dude! You have sex with children!
- Stan: Yeah, you know, we believe in equality for everybody and tolerance and all that gay stuff, but dude, fuck you.
- Kyle: Seriously!
- Lead Agent: Alright, that's enough! You're going to be put away for a long time!
- [the agents lead the pedophiles away into custody]
- Kyle: Well, Cartman?
- Cartman: Well what?
- Kyle: Don't you think you owe everyone an apology for bringing NAMBLA here?
- Boys: Yeah!
- Cartman: [half-heartedly] Alright, alright, I'm sorry I almost got you guys all raped. There.
- Stan: And now, you still wanna hang out with older mature friends?
- Cartman: No, I guess you guys will blossom into maturity someday. Just don't take too long.
Cherokee Hair Tampons [4.6]
- Mr. Garrison: [writing] Diana had never slept with another woman before, but it was an erotic thought she often fantasized about. [aside to Mr. Hat] Oh, yeah, Mr. Hat! Hot lesbo scene coming up! And as Rebecca's naked body lay before her, Diana couldn't help but feel aroused. "Go on," Rebecca said softly. "Touch me." Diana leaned down slowly, and brushed Rebecca's bare stomach with her fingertips. It felt good. Like a penis. A soft, but sturdy penis that felt warm to the touch. In Rebecca's mind, she suddenly felt like she was surrounded by penises. They were all around her, flopping all around, and slapping her face. It was as if she were in a redwood forest of penises. They presented themselves, tall and mighty, all around her, wi- [Mr. Hat slowly slides under the desk] Mr. Hat, what the heck are you doing? ...oh, Mr. Hat!
Chef Goes Nanners [4.7]
- Stan and Kyle: Hello, Chef.
- Chef: (sternly) My name isn't Chef anymore, children. I converted to Islam.
- Stan: Islam?
- Chef: From now on, my name is Abdul Mohammed Jabar Rauf Kareem Ali.
- As he says this, a Middle Eastern-looking person stands next to him, holding a long sign with his name in front of where Chef's apron normally says "Chef".
- Mr. Garrison: Oh, I'm sorry, Chef, Mr. Hat is a racist son of a bitch.
- Mr. Hat: Don't apologize for me to that spear-chucker!
- Chef is visibly outraged - Mr. Garrison quickly panics and flees
- Wendy: Bebe...I'm attracted to Cartman.
- Bebe: Aaaaaaahhh!
- Wendy: I know...
- KKK: [chanting] White power! White power!
- Klan Leader: Well, that's enough rallying for this afternoon, members! Let's take a hot shower.
- KKK: [chanting] Hot shower! Hot shower! Hot shower!
- Jimbo: [whispering] All right, Ned, we got to be careful. These are really evil men we're dealing with here...
- Ned: [loudly because of his voice box] Okay...
- Jimbo: [whispering angrily] Dammit, Ned, doesn't that thing have a volume control?
- Ned: [loudly] No.
- Klan Leader: Now, brothers, it is time for us all to come together and do our cake raffle!
- KKK: [conversing] Ooh, cake raffle!
- Klan Leader: This week's winner is 2...9...7...4.
- Klan Member: I won! I won! I won the cake!
- Klan Leader: Good job, brother.
- Wendy: Miiis-suuus Landers was a health nut. She cooked food in a wok.
- Mr. Harris was her boyfriend, and he had a great big
- Cock-a-doodle-doodle, the rooster just won't quit
- And I don't want my breakfast, because it tastes like
- Shih tzus make good house pets. They're cuddly and sweet.
- Monkeys aren't good to have, because they like to beat their
- Meeting in the office or meeting in the hall,
- The boss, he wants to see you so you can suck his
- Balzac was a writer, he lived with Allen Funt
- Mrs. Roberts didn't like him, but that's 'cause she's a
- Contaminated water can really make you sick.
- Your bladder gets infected, and blood comes out your
- Dictate what I'm saying, 'cause it will bring you luck
- And if you all don't like it, I don't give a flying fuck!
- Cartman: Thanks, Wendy. Don't call us, we won't call you neither.
- Fingerbang: Finger-bang! Bang bang! Finger-bang! Bang bang bang! I'm gonna finger-bang bang you into my life! Girl you you like to finger-bang and that's all right! 'Cause I'm the king of finger-bang and let's not fight. I'm going to finger-bang bang you every night. I'm going to finger-bang bang you every night!
- Cartman: You guys, I had a dream of how I can make ten million dollars. You ready? ...Boy band.
- Stan: Boy band?
- Cartman: Boy band.
- Kyle: I'm not joining any faggy boy band.
- Cartman: There's nothing faggy about ten million dollars, asshole!
- Stan: Hey Cartman, what does "finger-bang" mean, anyway?
- Cartman: I heard it on HBO, it means, like, you know, when you pretend to use your finger like a gun or something.
- Kenny: [laughs] That's not what it means.
- Stan: Kenny says that's not what it means.
- Cartman: Okay, Kenny, what does "finger-bang" mean then?
- Kenny: It's when you take your finger, and you stick it in a vagina and you stick it again and again.
- Cartman: ...What? What?! Who the heck would do that?! Jesus Christ! Grow up, Kenny, would you?!
Interior shot, Sunday school. Sister Anne tries to explain to the boys how communion works, as well as Transubstantiation, which they can't understand.
- Sister Anne: Now let me explain how communion works. The priest will give you this round cracker. And this cracker is the body of Christ.
- Cartman: Jesus was made of…crackers?
- Sister Anne: No.
- Stan: But crackers are his body.
- Sister Anne: Yes.
- Kenny: What?
- Sister Anne: In the book of Mark, Jesus distributed bread and said "Eat this, for it is my body."
- Cartman: So we won't go to Hell as long as we eat crackers.
- Sister Anne: No no no no!
- Butters: Well, what are we eating then?
- Sister Anne: The body of Christ!
- Stan: No no no, I get it. Jesus wanted us to eat him, but he didn't want us to be cannibals...so he turned himself into crackers and then told people to eat him.
- Sister Anne: No!
- Stan: No?!
- Butters: I can't whistle if I eat too many crackers.
- Sister Anne: Look, all you need to know is that when the priest gives you the cracker, you eat it. Okay?
- Boys: Okay...
- Sister Anne: And then you will drink a very small amount of wine. For that, is the blood of Christ.
- Cartman: Oh come on now, this is just getting silly.
- Sister Anne: Eric, do you want to go to hell?
- Cartman: No!
- Sister Anne: Then stop questioning me.
- Stan: [after Kenny is hit by a bus] Oh my God! They killed Kenny!
- Butters: He had sins that he didn't confess!
- Cartman: And he never took communion!
- Stan: He's doomed.
- Cartman: It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's separation; this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.
- Satan: No, it can't be! You're dead! I killed you!
- Saddam Hussein: Yeah, you killed me. So? Where was I going to go, Detroit?
- [Cartman has been confessing his sins, unaware of who is in the other side of the confessional]
- Cartman: And that was about everything from first grade. And then last year...you can't tell anybody about this stuff, right?
- Father Maxi: Your confession does not leave this box.
- Cartman: Okay, because last year, I took a sandwich that the priest of this church had been eating.
- Maxi: Oh. Well, I'm sure he would forgive you...if he...knew.
- Cartman: No but I'm not finished yet. I took the sandwich that the priest was eating, took the piece of ham out of it, put it between my butt cheeks, and then put the sandwich back and watched him eat it.
- Maxi: [annoyed] I see.
- Cartman: And then this other time, I went pee pee in the holy water thing, and the priest blessed himself on the forehead with it every day for about a week. And then this one time, I was at the park, and the priest was out walking his dog, and I went number two on the sidewalk, and then told Officer Barbrady that it was the priest's dog, so then the priest got fined like $100 for not picking it up. And then this one time, I put superglue all over the priest's bottom...
- [Father Maxi, who has been getting steadily angrier during this confession, finally smashes through the confessional screen and begins throttling Cartman]
Probably [4.10]
- [Cartman stands on a platform and is preaching to the kids. He speaks in the manner of a stereotypical, fire-and-brimstone televangelist.]
- Cartman: I am saying this because we must be saved-ah. The Lord is powerful and he will smote the sinners and send them to everlasting hell-ah. If you do not live your life for Him-ah, then to the lake of fire you shall go-ah!
- Principal Victoria: [approaches with parents behind the gathering] You see that, parents? Your children have refused to come into class since this morning. I'm afraid your son is the leader, Ms. Cartman.
- Cartman: [meanwhile, in the background] Well, God is going to heal those eyes and save you from the devil begone-ah! O praise His name!
- Principal Victoria: Apparently he's read the entire Bible, and now he's scaring the hell out of everyone.
- Cartman: [in the background] But some of you believe in the power of God-ah! Do you believe he is going to cure your face of the uglies?
- Ms. Cartman: [to Eric] Poopikins, it's time to stop preaching damnation to everyone, sweetie!
- [Cartman preaching behind the school]
- Cartman: Many of you knew Kenny McCormick. He was a playful school-going 8-year-old. And then yesterday, he was smacked down by the Lord-ah! God bitch-slapped him right down to the fiery depths of hell-ah!
- [Kenny has arrived in Mexico]
- Kenny: [muffled by his parka] Where am I?
- Mexican: Que?
- Kenny: [muffled] Where am I?!
- Mexican: Que?
- [Cartman preaching in church. He twists Kenny's account to him of being in Mexico as that of Kenny's damned soul calling from Hell.]
- Cartman: Friends, I have to tell you that last night I received a phone call from beyond the grave-ah.
- [the kids gasp]
- Cartman: It was our departed friend, Kenny, calling from the depths of Hell and he described what Hell is like in horrid detail-ah. He said that in Hell, the smell is awful. He says that in Hell...everyone speaks Spanish!
- [gasp]
- Cartman: He said there is water in Hell, but if you drink it you pee blood out your ass for seven hours-ah!
- [gasp]
- Cartman: And perhaps worst of all, in Hell there are dozens and dozens of little trinket stores, but they all have the same little trinkets in them-ah!
- [gasp]
- Protestant: Hey, wait a minute, I was a complete and devout Protestant. I thought we got into Heaven?
- Hell Orientation Director: Yes, well, I'm afraid you were wrong.
- Jehovah's Witness: I was a practicing Jehovah's Witness.
- Hell Orientation Director: You picked the wrong religion as well.
- Random Orientation Attendee: Well, who was right? Who got into Heaven?
- Hell Orientation Director: I'm afraid it was the Mormons...the Mormons were the correct answer.
- Orientation Attendees: [collective groan]
- Chris: Satan!
- Satan: Chris!
- [they run to embrace each other]
- Satan: But I thought Saddam killed you?
- Chris: Well, yeah, where was I going to go, Detroit?
- God: [after hearing Satan's story] Jesus, what the heck happened to you?
- Satan: Huh?
- God: You got kicked out of here for being a headstrong rebel. And now you're a whiny little bitch.
Trapper Keeper [4.12]
- Bill Cosby Robot: [drawing a gun] Well, that does it!
- Kyle: Hey, what are you doing?
- Bill Cosby Robot: I have no other choice. For the sake of humanity I have to kill him. [Cartman]
- Kyle: Oh, okay. hello.
- Stan: That's fine. [pauses] No, wait!
- Bill Cosby Robot: What?
- Stan: Can I do it?
- Bill Cosby Robot: Oh well, I suppose. [hands gun over to Stan]
- Stan: Sweet! Kiss your ass goodbye, Fat boy!
- Bill Cosby Robot: Wait, perhaps there is another way. If you take me to where Eric Cartman lives, I could try reasoning with his human mother.
- Stan: Well, yeah. Or we could just kill him.
- Kyle: Yeah, that would be faster.
- Stan: He's right there.
- Bill Cosby Robot: I'm afraid I can't. I think I'm actually starting to feel what you "humans" call compassion. It's an amazing feeling.
- Stan and Kyle: Oh.
- [Kyle enters the core of Cartman/Trapper Keeper]
- Cartman/Trapper Keeper: What are you doing, Kyle?
- Kyle: I'm going to shut down the Trapper Keeper's CPU.
- Cartman/Trapper Keeper: I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Kyle.
- Kyle: [angrily] Screw you, fat boy.
- Cartman/Trapper Keeper: Hey, screw you!
- Mr. Garrison:: What the hell is that? [walks to the window and looks out] Oh my God! What is that thing?! Children, there's some huge bulbous monstrosity heading for the classroom! [some of the kids slink down in their seats] Oh my God, it's awful! It's coming for the door. [the doorknob turns and the kindergartners crouch in terror]
- Rosie O'Donnell:: Hello, kids!
- Officer Barbrady: Now there's two of those things!
- [Trying to resolve the dispute over who has been elected kindergarten class president]
- Mr. Garrison: All right, children. As you know, we've been waiting for the absent kid's ballot to come in. Well, his mother was nice enough to bring him in from the hospital so that he could cast his vote. Mrs. Harris?
- [She comes in, guiding a sick boy hooked to an IV pole. He hands his ballot to Mr. Garrison and coughs something up onto the floor.]
- Mr. Garrison: Thank you very much, Billy. Don't forget to pick up your lung.
- [He picks it up and leaves with his mother.]
Helen Keller! The Musical [4.13]
- [Kyle has agreed to buy a turkey from a rancher]
- Kyle: How much?
- Rancher: Fifty bucks.
- Kyle: But you were just gonna take it out in the backyard and put a bullet in its head!
- Rancher: I know! Now I gotta find something else to shoot.
- Cartman: Speak to me, Helen. Let me be your voice. [nothing happens] Come on, you blind bitch! Channel your spirit through me!
- [Cartman has agreed to be blindfolded and ear muffed to get an idea of Helen Keller's perspective; he sees various frightening images]
- Cartman: Oh, man!
- Maynard: What did you see?
- Cartman: Nothing, just the same old crap I always see when I close my eyes.
- Mr. Mackey: Every year the fourth-graders do The Miracle Worker and every year I have to sit and watch it.
- Principal Victoria: Yeah, I swore that if I had to see it one more time I'd put a bullet in my head. But luckily I got really stoned before I came.
Pip [4.14]
- Pip: Joe, do you know anything about women?
- Joe: Sure! They're those things with vaginas in 'em!
- Pocket: Oh, we'll have a gay old time! ...and by "gay", I mean "happy" not "penetration of the bum"!
Fat Camp [4.15]
- Audience Member: Hey kid! I'll give you 20 bucks to eat a really old piece of bacon!
- Stan: Chef, what's a prostitute?
- Chef: Dagnabbit children! How come every time you come in here, you gotta be asking me questions that I shouldn't be answering?! "Chef, what's a clitoris?" "What's a lesbian, Chef?" "How come they call it a 'rimjob', Chef?" For once, can't you just come in here and say "Hi, Chef. Nice day, isn't it?"
- Stan: Okay. Hi, Chef. Nice day, isn't it?
- Chef: It sure is!
- Stan: Chef, what's a prostitute?
- Counselor Rick: Hello, camper! My name is Rick. How are you doing?
- Cartman: Well, I'm pissed off, Rick! How are you?
- Cartman: All right, I don't know who the hell put you all up to this, but I am not going to some gay-ass fat camp!
- Mr. Mackey: Now, Eric, all these people are doing this because we care about you, m'kay?
- Mr. Garrison: Except for me. I just wanted to see the look on your face when we told you.
- Stan: [after the fake Kenny suffocates in Miss Crabtree's uterus] Oh my God! They killed Kenny! ...sort of.
- Kyle: Yeah, they killed Kenny! ...'s look-alike. You bastards!
- Cartman: Mom, tell them how everyone in your family was big-boned. Tell them how they were fat, but grew into their bodies when they got older.
- Liane Cartman: Oh, sweetie, those were all lies. You're just fat.
- Kyle: Dude. I don't know if I'm going to like the new Eric Cartman.
- Stan: Did you like the old one?
- Kyle: Good point.
- Kyle: It's so unfair! How can my parents do that to me?!
- Stan: Parents can be pretty cruel sometimes, dude. They get off on it.
- Kyle: They're evil! I wish I didn't have any parents!!
- Cartman: Well, you could make them go away for a while.
- Kyle: How?!
- Cartman: Well, I mean, you could call the police and have them take your parents away.
- Stan: The police?
- Cartman: Yeah, I saw it on TV. All you got to do is call the police and say that your parents both molestered you.
- Kyle: What's that?
- Cartman: I don't know, but it works. When I wanted to get rid of my mom's last boyfriend, I just called the police, and said he was molestering me, and I haven't seen him for three months.
- Kyle: [awed] Wow! Three months without parents!
- Kenny: (Wow, that is awesome!)
- Stan: But what do the police do to them?
- Kyle: Who cares? My parents deserve whatever they get. They're liars and cheats.
- Kyle: What's "bad touch"?
- Cartman: Something 'bout a swimsuit, I don't remember, but you definitely answer "bad touch".
- Kyle: Okay, molestered, bad touch.
- Cartman: Yeah, And cry. [Kyle lets out a soft cry] Oh, he's ready.
- [Song that convinces Castro to convert to democracy]
- Kyle:
- If I could have one wish, just one wish in the whole world
- If I could have one wish, it would be for Cuba to change
- 'Cause I think all of the Cubans are in pain
- All the joy in the world, from sea to shining sea
- Doesn't mean a thing, if Cubans aren't free
- I just can't be very happy, I'm certain
- Not as long as your Cubans are hurting
- Oh, won't you search your soul, and find a way to change your mind?
- That is my one and only wish
- Castro is visibly moved to tears by Kyle's song, and decides to take his advice.
- Fidel Castro:¡¡Llamen a todos junto!! ("Call everyone together!!")
- Linda: Hello, what's your name... What-what do you want?
- Little Girl: We wanna play...
- Linda: Mark, I'm scared.
- Mark: Don't be scared, they're just kids. Where are your parents?
- Little Boy: We already played with our parents.
- Little Girl: Now we want to play with you!
- Mark: Okay, I'm scared now, too. That freaked me out.
- Little Kids: We wanna play with you!
- Butters: Aw, I was just about to sacrifice myself to Mr. Elway.
A Very Crappy Christmas [4.17]
- Butters: [talking through construction paper cut-out of a woman] Hey there good looking, what's your name? [talking through "Butters" cut-out] Butters, Ma'am. [through cut-out of woman] Well Butters, would you like to slap my titties around? [smiles; through "Butters" cut-out] Oh, well! Uh. [sadly] No thanks, Ma'am. I'll get in trouble again. [puts cut-outs away]
Season 5
South Park: Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 | Bigger, Longer & Uncut | Specials: The Streaming Wars, Joining the Panderverse, (Not Suitable for Children), The End of Obesity
South Park (1997–present) is an adult animated television series created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado.
It Hits the Fan [5.1]
- Cartman: Jeez, you're a little irritable, Kyle. What's the matter, you got some sand in your vagina?
- Cartman: Don't mind Kyle, everyone, he's just got a little sand in his vagina.
- Kyle: There's no sand in my vagina!
- Mr. Garrison: Hey there, shitty-shitty fag-fag, shitty-shitty fag-fag, how do you do?
- Cartman: I said "shit" on television.
- Stan: But they're gonna say "shit" and you're gonna miss it.
- Kyle: I don't really give a fuck.
- Mr. Garrison: Well, they can't say fag, you have to be a homosexual to say that.
- Randy: You mean I can't say [beep]?
- Mr. Garrison: No, see, you got beeped.
- Guy: You mean you have to be a [beep] to say [beep]?
- Mr. Garrison: Yep.
- Jimbo: Well that's not fair! I should be able to say "fag." [he looks shocked]
- Randy: Hey...you didn't get beeped.
- Jimbo: Uh-oh.
- Mr. Garrison: Well, I guess we learned something new about you, Jimbo, you freaking fag. You want to go make out or something?
- [the boys are in the library searching for the cause of people's serious illness]
- Cartman: [urgently] You guys! Look here! [the group rushes over] In this Nancy Drew mystery, Nancy goes to the beach and gets sand trapped in her shoe! That COULD explain how Kyle got it in his vagina!
- Kyle: Cartman, this is serious!
- Cartman: So am I, Kyle-- if that sand in your vagina doesn't get released, you could become a walking time bomb.
Cripple Fight [5.2]
- Cartman: Cripple fight!
- Cartman: [over PA] Attention, shoppers, outside today we have Cripple Fight. Cripple Fight, outside.
- Randy Marsh: You do not say "big silly goose," you call him an asshole like a normal kid!
- Stan: But Dad, I was just trying to-
- Randy Marsh: Stanley, you call your friend an asshole this instant!
- Stan: [to Cartman] Asshole.
- Randy Marsh: That's better.
- Cartman: Don't call me an asshole, you big son of a bitch!
- Jimmy: Sometimes it's like, "Please Timmy, learn a new word," huh, huh. [imitates Timmy] "Timmy!"
- Timmy: [angry] Aah!
- Jimmy: [continues impression] I'm living a lie, I'm living a lie, Timmy!
- Randy Marsh: Kenny's dad and I were in Scouts for years.
- Stan: Was your dad in Scouts, Cartman? Oh yeah, you don't have a dad. [everyone laughs]
- Cartman: That's not funny! Jesus Christ!
- Timmy: Timmy!
- Jimmy: Not this year!
- Jimmy: Timmy? Timmy, I told you to put on the hat! [punches him in the stomach]
- Jimmy: You dirty motherfucker!
Super Best Friends [5.3]
- Butters: I don't think I'm very happy. I always fall asleep to the sound of my own screams.
- Magic Workshop Leader: ...Right, yeah. Eh, see, the reason that you are unhandy.
- Butters: [coldly] And then I always get woken up in the morning by the sounds of my own screams. Do you think I'm unhappy?
- Stan: Kyle?!
- [Stan turns over a dead body of a bald cult member, it takes a moment for Stan to recognize him]
- Stan: [gasps] Oh, my God, they killed Kenny!
- Kyle: [off screen, in the distance] You bastards!
- Stan: Kyle? Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
- Kyle: [still off screen, in the distance] You bastards!
- Stan: [follows Kyle's voice] Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
- Cartman: [to Stan and Kyle] Ah, that's so sweet, you guys! Hey you want to get a room so you can make out for a while? [laughs. Kyle kicks him in the balls] Ow! [Stan kicks him in the balls] Aargh! [boys take turns kicking him] Stop it! Aaargh!
- Stan: Kyle, I'm starting to think that this is a really bad idea.
- Butters: I'm not Kyle, I'm Butters. I thought you were Kyle.
- Stan No, I'm Stan.
- Kyle: You're Stan? Where's Kenny?
- Stan: Who are you?
- Kyle: I'm Kyle.
- Cartman: He-he, guess who I am, guys?
- Kyle: I'm not going anywhere.
- Stan: Goddammit, I'm not going with you! I want to stay here!
- Kyle: Huh? I thought you wanted to leave.
- Stan: Oh wait, who am I again?
- Kyle: You're Stan.
Scott Tenorman Must Die [5.4]
- [As Cartman tries to recruit the other kids to help him take revenge]
- Stan: Why should we all care about getting Scott Tenorman back for you?
- Cartman: Oh, right. Why should we care? Yes, why should we care? Indeed, eh. Let's just let Scott Tenorman walk away with my sixteen dollars and twelve cents. Well, let's let all the Scott Tenormans of the world take what's ours and laugh in our faces. Why stand up for yourselves when you can just walk out of here right now and say, "It's not your problem." But... years from now, when you're old and have children of your own, what would you give to come back and fight this one day? This one day, when you could have made a difference! Where you could have told Scott Tenorman, "You may take our pride, but you'll never take MY GODDAMNED SIXTEEN DOLLARS AND TWELVE CENTS!!!" Now who's with me?!!
- [Cartman turns around; All the other kids have left, except for Timmy]
- Timmy: Timmy!
- Cartman: [groans] Christ. Alright, I guess it's just you and me, Timmy.
- Timmy: Eu uh, living a lie, Timmih. [rolls out of the room on his wheelchair]
- Cartman: Yes, I'm afraid this isn't your chili, Scott. I switched it with Chef's. [Chef looks like he's been used] It's delicious, Chef- I hadn't planned on that. What I did plan on, however, was that my friends, Stan and Kyle, would betray me and warn you that the Chili Con Carnival was a trap. [Stan and Kyle are stunned] I assumed that they would tell you that I had trained Denkins's pony to bite off your wiener. What they didn't tell you was that Denkins is a crazy redneck who shoots trespassers on sight. Knowing that you would try and do something to the pony, I warned Mr. Denkins that violent pony killers were in the area. [a shot of Cartman talking to Denkins, who is armed] I also know that you wouldn't go yourself, for fear of having your wiener bitten off. You would most likely send your parents. [a shot of Scott talking with his parents] And, I'm afraid that when Mr. Denkins spotted them on his property, he shot and killed both your parents. [the Tenormans are in the corral to rescue the "starving" pony. Seeing Mr. Tenorman's lit flashlight, Mr. Denkins fires at them; they go down]
- Mr. Denkins: [looks of horror surround him] Well, they was trespassing and I was protecting myself. I-I have my rights.
- Scott: My...mom and dad are...dead? [a shot of Officer Barbrady taking a report from Denkins]
- Cartman: I came just in time to see Mr. Denkins giving his report to Officer Barbrady. And of course, to steal the bodies... [a shot of Cartman arriving, seeing Denkins and Barbrady, and pulling the bodies away] After a night with the hacksaw, I was all ready to put on my Chili Con Carnival, so that I could personally tell you about your parents' demise! And of course, feed you your chili. [more faces of horror behind Cartman] Do you like it? Do you like it, Scott? [a gleefully evil look comes over Cartman] I call it... "Mr. & Mrs. Tenorman Chili."
- Scott: [looks at Cartman for a while, realizing what's just happened] Oh my God! [gagging, he fishes through the plate and finds his mom's wedding ring, still on her finger; he tosses it away] Oh my God! [vomits off to the side]
- Cartman: [leaping up on the table and sings] Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah, I made you eat your par-ents! Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah! [Stan and Kyle are horrified]
- Stan: Jesus Christ, dude!
- Scott: [grief-stricken, he buries his face on the table] My mom and dad are dead! [pounds the table] No! Nooo! [Radiohead, not knowing what has just happened, arrives and stands behind Scott. Stan notices]
- Thom: Um, excuse me?
- Stan: Who are you?
- Jonny: We're that band, Radiohead.
- Ed: [to Scott] Jeez, what a little crybaby!
- Colin: Are you gonna cry all day, crybaby?
- Thom: You know, everyone has problems. It doesn't mean you have to be a little crybaby about it.
- Ed: Come on, guys, let's go. This kid is totally not cool. [the members of the band start leaving]
- Thom: Yeah, that's the most uncool kid I've ever met.
- Phil: Little crybaby.
- Scott: [gathers himself and looks] No, wait! Waaiit! Oh my God, Oh my Gooood! [buries his face in the table and bawls again.] Nooo!
- Cartman: [walks over to Scott's end of the table] Yes! Yeees! Oh, let me taste your tears, Scott! [starts licking Scott's tears off his face] Mm, your tears are so yummy and sweet.
- Kyle: ...Dude, I think it might be best for us to never piss Cartman off again.
- Stan: Good call.
- Cartman: Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! Mm-yummy. [licks the tears off the table and off Scott's face] Mm-yummy, you guys! [fade out, then quickly back in to Looney Tunes-style iris] a-Be-de-be-de, that's all, folks!
- Young Terrance and Phillip: Beef and lamb, chicken and ham
- Step to the left and clap your hands!
- Gosh, we love that chicken and ham
- Don't they love that chicken and ham?
- Woman: Oh my God, what's wrong with their heads?
- Man: It's all right, darling. They're just Canadian.
- Woman: Oh.
- Phillip: Say, Terrance, I'm getting worried about all these Russians making missiles. Maybe we should stop this "cold war."
- Terrance: Here's a missile for ya! [farts]
- Phillip: Say, Terrance, what should we do about this strange planet we've crashed on?
- Terrance: I don't know, Phillip. It seems like the alien species here breathe an inert gas.
- Phillip: Oh oh, did you say what I thought you said? [farts; they both laugh]
- Goat Leader: As leader of the goat people, I have seen my species nearly wiped out by your dangerous gas.
- Phillip: Wow, that sucks.
- Cartman: Look, if you don't come and do this show, I'll make you eat your parents!
- Phillip: Yeah, whatever, kid.
- Stan: He'll do it, dude!
- Stan: Look, you guys! That line isn't long!
- Kyle: Yeah, but we're not female groupies or random sluts!
- Cartman: Kenny's a random slut!
Cartmanland [5.6]
- Kyle: [to God] Why? How could you do this? There are people starving in Alabama! And you give Cartman a million dollars?!
- Cartman: [a mummy pops out of a casket to his right] Whoa! Heheh. [a skeleton pops out to his right] Whoa! [a ghost pops on from his left] Whoa! Heheheheheh. [he exits the ride and ambles back to the road] Aw, man, that was awesohome! That one part, with the-uum, with the spider that dropped on ya? Oho, man, that totally got me. That was sweet! Heheh.
- Kyle: [in the distance, while Cartman speaks] Ah! Ow! Hey, it hurts! [the sound of chain-link is heard] Owie-ow! Help! Ow, that hurts!
- Cartman: [lifts his hand to his ear to hear better] What the hell?
- Kyle: Hohohooho! Oowwww!
- Cartman: YOU SONS OF BITCHES! [goes towards the source of the sound]
- [Cartmanland, perimeter fence. Stan is in the park waiting for Kyle to come down, but Kyle is stranded on top of the fence. The view is from the park towards the parking lot.]
- Stan: Come on, dude!
- Kyle: Hoh Gohod, I popped it!! Oh it hu-hurts!!
- Cartman: [arriving] What the hell are you doing?!
- Stan: Aw, crap.
- Kyle: Oh God, get me off of here!! [falls off, but outside the park]
- Stan: Dude! [rushes out of the park to Kyle]
- Kyle: [now standing, rubbing his ass] Stan, I have to go home!! I need my cream!! I need my creeheam!!
- Stan: Alright, let's go.
- Cartman: [reaches the scene, but stays inside the park] That's right! You stay out!
- Stan: You can't keep us out forever, you fucking fat ass! We'll be back as soon as Kyle's hemorrhoid is better!
- Kyle: My life can't get any worse!
- Stan: You'll see! We'll get in! [walks off with Kyle as Cartman glares after them.]
- Cartman: If you see anyone on my property, especially Stan or Kyle, you are to shoot on sight!
- Cartman: What about all the years I spent making Grandma like me? All the wet, spit-filled kisses I put up with? The constant smell of aspirin and pee? Don't tell me I didn't earn it, you son of a bitch.
- Kyle: Agh! [the nurse moves the pincers one way] Agghh! [then another]
- Nurse: Just a little more. [one twist more] There we go. [withdraws the pincers. Gerald and Sheila enter Kyle's room with the Bible]
- Gerald: Hello, Kyle. How's the hemorrhoid today?
- Kyle: [the nurse leaves] Awesome. [Gerald and Sheila take their seats near Kyle]
- Sheila: Kyle, we wanna tell you about the Book of Job. It's a story from the Bible.
- Kyle: I've had enough of the Bible. What has it gotten me?
- Gerald: Oh, I think you'll see differently after hearing this. Sit down, Kyle. [Kyle gets cross, and Gerald corrects himself] Uh, okay. [begins the story. A Middle Eastern scene appears] You see, Job lived in the east of Jordan, a long, long time ago. [camera pans across the landscape and rests behind a man in a red robe and long gray hair] Job was a great man. He was blessed with ten lovely children [they come out of a building with their mother], a wonderful wife, and many friends. [his friends show up to join the family behind Job, a proud and happy man]
- Sheila: [a shot of Job petting a bull] He was godly, and a good man, and fed the poor. [Job brings a bag of food to a woman with three kids next to her. One of them, a girl, walks up, and her mother hands her a loaf of bread]
- Gerald: He was the most upright and honorable of men, and every day he praised God. [Job falls to his knees in praise, as his shepherds look on]
- Sheila: But one day, Satan went up to Heaven and talked to God.
- Kyle: [still mad] Satan talked to God?
- Sheila: Yes, in the Book of Job, Satan talks to God. And God says to Satan, "Have you seen Job? He is a great man, and he praises me every day."
- Gerald: But Satan said, "Oh yeah? He only praises you because you gave him so much. If you didn't give him those things, he would curse your name."
- Sheila: To which God said, "Oh yeah? I'll show you, Satan! I'll take those things away from Job and he will still praise my name."
- Gerald: And so, God had a bunch of barbarians come in and slaughter Job's oxen and donkeys, and murder all his workers. [that scene is shown]
- Sheila: Then God sent his fireballs from the sky and killed his sheep and the rest of his employees. [meteorites rain down and destroy the fields and workers there, as well as the sheep]
- Gerald: And then, as Job's sons and daughters were eating, God sent a mighty wind to collapse the house and crush and kill them all. [the palm trees bend low as the winds pick up, then the two-story house collapses as the palm trees are swept away by the winds, and Job's family dies]
- Sheila: Job was terribly sad, but he fell to his knees and said, "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away," and praised God's name. [Job falls to his knees and prays to God.]
- Gerald: So then, Job got painful sores all over his body. [shown, with the burning fields behind him]
- Sheila: He was in terrible, miserable pain all day, every day. But he still kept his faith. [another shot of Job among the dead, then a close-up of Job with his sores]
- Gerald: God said to Satan, "See? I told you. Job still praises me." [all that is heard after that is the sound of the heart monitor attached to Kyle.]
- Kyle: [a few seconds later] And that's it? That's the end?
- Sheila: Basically.
- Kyle: That's the most horrible story I've ever heard. Why would God do such a horrible thing to a good person just to prove a point to Satan?
- Gerald: Oh. Uh, I don't know.
- Kyle: Then I was right. Job has all his children killed, and Michael Bay gets to keep making movies. There isn't a God.
- [Kyle is in the hospital after popping his hemorrhoid]
- Stan: Dude, are you okay?
- Kyle: [sarcastically] Oh, I'm swell, Stan. I popped my hemorrhoid trying to climb the fence into Cartmanland and it got infected. I really need to go to the bathroom, but if I do, it will pop again and the pain will make me pass out. How are you?
- Stan: Well, um, I found out that Cartman's letting a few people each day into his theme park. I was thinking we could put on disguises and get in.
- Sheila: I'm afraid Kyle can't ride any amusement park rides for over a year because of his horrible hemorrhoid.
- Stan: Jesus.
- Kyle: But it's okay, Stan, because I finally figured it out. You see, if someone like Cartman could get a million dollars and his own theme park, then there IS no God. There's no God, dude.
- Sheila: Kyle, don't say such things!
- Kyle: Why? Why, Mom? Because if I do, something bad will happen to me? Because if I do, your God might not shower me with his blessings of infected hemorrhoids?
- Gerald: Kyle, you just don't understand, it's-
- Kyle: No! I finally DO understand! There is no justice! There is no GOD! Do you hear me!? I RENOUNCE MY FAITH!
- [Interior scene, synagogue. Stan finds Kyle sitting alone in the empty pews. Sad music plays.]
- Stan: Dude, what are you doing here? Everybody's looking for you! [beat] Kyle?
- Kyle: Do you know what happened to me this morning, Stan? This morning... I-I woke up and felt a sharp pain in my ass. I felt down there a-and found this.. big sore lump. On my ass, Stan. I couldn't even sit down, so... I-I had to tell my mother, w-which was humiliating. She took me to the doctor, which was more humiliating, a-and he told me... I-I have a hemorrhoid. It's like an infected blood vessel on your ass. I'm nine years old, and I have a hemorrhoid, Stan. I have a hemorrhoid, and Cartman has his own theme park.
- Stan: ...Kyle, I-I understand what you mean, but—
- Kyle: (in tears) Do you?! Do you, Stan?! Because all my life I was raised to believe in Jehovah! To believe that we should all behave a certain way and good things will come to us. I make mistakes, but every week I try to better myself! I'm always saying, "Y'know, I learned something today", and what does this so-called God give me in return?! A hemorrhoid! It doesn't make sense! WHAT IS YOUR LOGIC!?!? Ow!...
- Stan: Look, Cartman...he thinks he's gonna be happy because he has his own amusement park, but he's gonna find out that without other people, the rides are totally lame. I mean, who could really have fun by themselves at a theme park?
- Cut to a montage of Cartman riding various rides at his park, laughing and cheering in euphoria all the way.
- Clerk: Welcome to Cartmanland.
- [Hells Pass Hospital, day. The doctor has been in to see Kyle's recovery progress and is now talking to the parents.]
- Sheila: Isn't he getting any better, doctor?
- Doctor: I don't understand it. He's not fighting the infected hemorrhoid at all. It's like he... like he's lost all hope. Well if you'll excuse me, I've got more tests to run. [leaves. The TV monitor is seen, with a picture of a financial program]
- Announcer: And now back to Money Quest, on HBC.
- Host 1: [Camera zooms in on the two hosts] Welcome back to Money Quest. [Kyle looks at the show] In just over two weeks, young financial genius Eric Cartman [his picture appears on the screen behind the hosts] has managed to turn a theme park that was seeing less than a hundred attendees a day into a thriving park with attendance in the thousands.
- Host 2: And the way he did it is with the brilliant "You Can't Come" technique. For the first several days, the young businessman saturated the market with the claim that nobody could get into his park. It made the public crazy. So then, weeks later, when he opened the doors, they were lining up around the block. Simply amazing.
- Host 1: Well, ahah, I think we should point out that this technique is already being applied by businesses all over the country.
- [At a restaurant where all the tables are empty and everyone is waiting in line...]
- Waitress: I'm sorry, we're no longer taking reservations. Nobody can eat here. You'll have to leave now.
- [At the Bijou, where everyone is waiting outside....]
- Clerk: No, I'm sorry. You can't see this movie. Nobody can see this movie. I can't even go in.
- [At Gracy's clothing store, a sales associates barks orders...]
- Associate: [the shoppers rush out of there] Out! Nobody is allowed into Gracy's anymore! Get out of here! [kicks the last shopper out]
- [Back to Money Quest...]
- Host 1: Amazing. Eric Cartman is surely the financial genius of our time.
- [Back to Kyle's room at Hells Pass Hospital...]
- Kyle: Oh... Oohh—Ohuhughughhh... [passes out. A flatline appears on the heart monitor]
- Sheila: [approaches] Kyle? Kyle? [turns to Gerald] Get the doctor!
- Mr. Fun: My God, look at it, Chris! That kid completely turned this place around!
- Chris: He sure did.
- Mr. Fun: Oh, if I could only have a park that worked like this.
- Cartman: Hey, there you are!
- Mr. Fun: Oh, hello! Congratulations on your success.
- Cartman: Just give me my money back.
- Mr. Fun: What?
- Cartman: I changed my mind, I don't want your stupid park.
- Mr. Fun: ..But it's doing great!
- Cartman: You call this great?! I call that hell! Trade me back, god damn it!!
- Mr. Fun: You bet! I'll go get your money right now! [both leave]
- Kid: Daddy, Daddy, can we ride the rockets?
- Cartman: GOD DAMN IT, GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY!!!!
- Gerald: Isn't he responding at all, doctor?
- Doctor: [turns around to face them] I'm sorry. Your son appears to be losing the battle. I'm afraid that the hemorrhoid has spread to his lungs. Normally, the body would fight the infection, but he's... he's just... given up on life.
- Sheila: But then... are you saying...?
- Doctor: There's nothing I can do. Little fella's just... lost his will to live.
- Sheila: [walks up to Kyle] Oh Kyle! Kyle, you've got to fight!
- [North Park Funland, day. The old North Park Funland sign is being restored, as are many of the rides Cartman replaced. The ticket booths are missing. A bulldozer sits outside the park ready to clear out anything else that needs removal. Cartman exits with the million dollars he originally paid for the park. The money is back on the Radio Flyer.]
- Cartman: Good riddance, you stupid park! You can all kiss my ass! [three men in suits approach Cartman]
- Agent: Excuse me? Eric Cartman?
- Cartman: [turns to face them] Yeah?
- Agent: I'm Frank Garrett with the IRS. You haven't kept records of your income or payout, and there's a five hundred-thousand-dollar discrepancy. [to the two other men] Seize the assets. [the men grab the discrepancy]
- Cartman: Hey. Hey, that's my money!
- Mr. Garrett: There's also the lawsuit of the little boy who died in your park. The family's entitled to the rest of this. [takes the wagon with the other half million]
- Cartman: What?! Kenny?! He dies all the time!
- Mr. Garrett: You still owe thirteen thousand dollars more than this, Mr. Cartman. We'll see you in court. [the men walk away with the million]
- Cartman: Ye-You can't take my money, Goddamnit!
- Mr. Garrett: We know how well your park is doing; you'll make it back in no time.
- Cartman: Ah! But I-I-I... [sees Mr. Fun through a fence and rushes to talk to him] Hey! Hey Mr. Fun, I changed my mind. I need the park to make my money back.
- Mr. Fun: Nohoho way, José!
- Cartman: But I'm getting sued now. If I don't have the park, I lose everything!
- Mr. Fun: "I don't care," said Pierre. "I'm from France." [turns around and disappears into the crowd]
- Cartman: This can't be happening! AGGGHH!!
- [Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Stan bursts into Kyle's room.]
- Stan: Kyle, you gotta see!! [the doctor looks at him. Sheila and Gerald turn around]
- Sheila: [sadly] Kyle's not going to make it, Stanley. Oh, Gerald! [weeps into Gerald's chest]
- Stan: Doctor, can we wheel Kyle out of here on his bed with the machines attached?
- Doctor: Well, I s-supposed it could be rigged, but I--
- Stan: Then damnit man, do it!
- [North Park Funland, day. The ticket booths are back, and business is as strong now as it was when the park was Cartmanland. Off to the side, Cartman is throwing stones at one of the park walls.]
- Cartman: It isn't fair! [throws another stone] You goddamned assholes, it isn't fair! [throws another. Stan arrives with the doctor, the nurse, Kyle, and Kyle's parents]
- Stan: Look, Kyle. Look. [smiles]
- Kyle: [opens his eyes] Huh?
- Cartman: You just build me up to chop me down, didn't you?! What about my dream?! What about my money?! [throws another stone]
- Kyle: [more alert] Huh?
- Cartman: I'M SO PISSED OFF! [the security guard arrives, ready to spray Cartman]
- Security Guard: Move along, sir! You are vandalizing private property!
- Cartman: Ey! You used to work for me! [the guard sprays Cartman in the face] Ut Ut aw! Aw, Goddamnit, you son of a bitch! [coughs and wheezes. Stan grins and Kyle's vital stats get stronger. Kyle sighs]
- Stan: Kyle!
- Doctor: He's coming back.
- Sheila: That's it, baby. That's it.
- Cartman: Oho, Goddamnit, this sucks!
- Doctor: Wait a minute. Yes! The hemorrhoid is going into remission!
- Hemorrhoid: [receding into the colon] Oh, shit!
- Stan: Look, Kyle, Cartman is totally miserable. [a shot of Cartman on his knees, sobbing] Even more miserable than he was before because he's had his dream and lost it.
- Cartman: It's not fair! It's not fair; I wanna die! I wanna daaahahie! [Kyle looks at Cartman, then up at the sky, then sits up and removes the oxygen mask]
- Kyle: You are up there! [smiles]
Proper Condom Use [5.7]
- Randy: [screams]
- Sharon: STANLEY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?
- Stan: I'm beating off the dog. Red rocket, Sparky, red rocket! :[everyone is shocked]
- Sharon: STANLEY, YOU GO TO YOUR ROOM RIGHT NOW!
- Stan: My room? Why?
- Sharon: GO, STANLEY! [chuckles nervously] He gets very good grades.
- [later, in Stan's room]
- Sharon: Stanley, do you know why you're being grounded for ten months?
- Stan: No.
- Randy: Beating off the dog is not appropriate when we have company. [Sharon glares at him] Uh, I mean ever- beating off the dog is not appropriate ever.
- Miss Choksondik: You think that sex is about fun and games and love? Wrong! Sex is about disease.
- Chef: The right time to start having sex is 17.
- Sheila: So you mean 17 as long as you're in love?
- Chef: Nope, just 17.
- Gerald: But what if you're not ready at 17?
- Chef: 17, you're ready.
- Stan: [he and Kyle are playing with a girl doll and a plastic car] So, we meet again, Jennifer Lopez.
- Kyle: [as Jennifer Lopez] No, no, please! This time I swear I won't make any more albums or movies!
- Stan: That's what you said last time, but obviously we must resort to more drastic measures. [pulls out a magnifying glass and uses sun rays to burn the doll]
- Kyle: AHHHHH, IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
- Stan: Scream for me, bitch!
- Kyle: AH!
- [the doll's face melts off]
- Kyle and Stan: Whoa, awesome!
- Mr. Garrison: Now, class, who can tell me what a condom is? Yes, Jenny?
- Jenny: It flies around and it's endangered.
- Mr. Garrison: That's a condor, Jenny. Condor. Condoms are what we use to stop the spread of ST D's. Yes, Fillmore?
- Fillmore: Can we do finger paints?
- Mr. Garrison: NO, WE CAN'T DO FINGER PAINTS!! You kids want herpes, huh? How about a nice bucket of AIDS? Sounds good? Now pay attention, all right? I'm going to show you the proper way to put on a condom. [pulls out a box of condoms and a dildo] First of all, you remove the condom from its package. Then you find which way the condom rolls out. Put it in your mouth [he does so] ...and apply. [it pans to the kids watching as he demonstrates on the dildo; one of the kids starts to cry] And it's as easy as that. Any questions?
- Chef: Parents. There are reasons why teachers can't teach sex in school. They might not know a lot about it, [camera fixes on Mr. Mackey] they might have a bad opinion of it, [camera moves to Ms. Choksondik] or they might just be a complete pervert. [camera moves to Mr. Garrison]
- Mr. Garrison: Hey! Why'd the camera pan over to me?!
- Ms. Choksondik: Are you wearing a condom?
- Ms. Choksondik: Oh, well. Fuck it.
- Mr. Mackey: Eric, what the heck are you doing?
- Cartman: I'm putting on a new condom. I filled the other one up.
- Mr. Mackey: Why are you wearing a condom?
- Cartman: So I don't get AIDS.
- Mr. Mackey: Eric, you can't get AIDS from just sitting around. You have to get it from sex.
- [all the 4th-grade boys go to the drugstore]
- Male Pharmacist: Can I help you boys?
- Stan: Yeah, we need condoms!
- Male Pharmacist: Condoms...
- Kyle: Yeah, quick!
- Male Pharmacist: ...How old are you boys?
- Stan: Why does that matter?
- Butters: I'll be 9 next week!
- Male Pharmacist: Sorry, kids, I'm not selling you condoms.
- Kyle: Why not?! You want us to get AIDS?
- Male Pharmacist: I just don't think kids your age should--
- Female Pharmacist: Mark, we have to be willing to supply condoms to anyone who requests them.
- Male Pharmacist: But...they're children!
- Female Pharmacist: Would you rather them do it unprotected?
- Cartman: Yeah, you want us unprotected, you asshole?
- Male Pharmacist: I just think all this sex-ed and condom talk in elementary school is wrong!
- Female Pharmacist: Kids are going to do what they do, and it's up to us to make sure they're protected.
- Stan: Jeez, I'm glad this lady's on our side.
- Male Pharmacist: I don't even think we'll have any that fit them!
- Female Pharmacist: Sure we do. We just got in the new Gladiators for kids: Lil' Minis! They're specially designed for kids under 10, and they're only $5.95 for a pack of 50.
- Butters: 50?! Oh, can't we just use the same one every day?!
- Female Pharmacist: No, you have to change them.
- Kyle: Oh jeez, we're gonna have to buy tons of these things!
- [the boys are reading the condom instructions]
- Stan: Doesn't it give any other directions?
- Butters: Nope. It looks like you're just supposed to r-roll it over your wiener. [reading the disclaimer] If used properly, latex condoms are effective against pregnancy, AIDS and other studs. [ST D's]
- Kyle: What are studs?
- Butters: Huh...how the heck should I know? [opens condom] Why, it's just a little doughnut! [touches it] Oh, ohhhh...it's all gooey!
- Cartman: Just put it on, Butters.
- Butters: How come I got to go first?
- Cartman: Butters, will you stop uh-...filibustering?
- Butters: Oh all right then. [turns around and pulls his pants down] Oh, it's all sticky.
- Kyle: It says you gotta check it for holes or tears.
- Butters: I don't even understand how this thing-oh, wait. Oh, I see. [Cartman looks over]
- Stan: Don't look at Butters's schlong, gay mo!
- Cartman: I wasn't looking at his schlong! I was seeing how to put the condom on!
- Kyle: Sure...
- Butters: But it won't stay on. I need a rubber band or something.
- Tweek: Gah! I got rubber bands!
- Butters: [fastening the condom with rubber bands] Ow! Oh... ow! Okay... ow! There... okay, I think it's on.
- Stan: How do you feel?
- Butters: ...Pretty good.
- Cartman: Do you feel protected?
- Butters: Yeah, I don't think nothing's getting in my wiener through this thing. It's even got a little reservoir at the end so you can pee in it.
- Stan: All right, here, everybody. Tweek, give everyone a rubber band. Somebody needs to help Timmy get his condom on.
- Timmy: TIMMEH!
- [The boys approach a stronghold with a moat and the words "Boys keep out" painted on the gate. Butters is driving a toy electric car and wearing a hockey mask. The girls are heavily armed]
- Wendy: [at the helm of a gun turret] Stay away from us, bastards! We don't want to get pregnant!
- Bebe: Yeah! Just take your diseases and go away forever!
- Stan: Ha! They're your diseases!
- Kyle: Yeah! You get out of town!
- Cartman: Here, talk to them, Butters.
- Butters: [lifts up his mask] Uh, me? Huh, what the heck am I supposed to say?
- Cartman: Just tell them that if they leave town peacefully, we won't have to resort to violence.
- Butters: [lowers his mask and speaks into the mike in a deep, raspy voice] Just walk away. You can put a stop to all this. Just walk away and we will spare your lives. Just walk away.
- Kyle: [to Stan] Man, he's pretty good.
Towelie [5.8]
- Towelie: Don't forget to bring a towel... you wanna get high?
- Cartman: Towelie, you are the worst character ever.
- Towelie: I know.
- Towelie: If you go to a motel, be sure to bring your own towel.
- Cartman: You just have no long-term memory because you get high all the time.
- Towelie: Don't preach to me, fatso!
- Cartman: I can preach to you all I want, 'cause you're stupid!
- Towelie: YOU'RE stupid!
- Cartman: Oh, yeah, well you're a towel!
- Towelie: YOU'RE a towel!
- Towelie: Oh, man, I'm so high right now. I have no idea what's going on.
- Towelie: That's my last J, asshole!
- Stan: America may have some problems, but it's our home, our team. And if you don't wanna root for your team, then you should get the hell out of the stadium.
- Cartman: I told you, jawas have no heart.
- Kyle: Jawas?
- Cartman: You know, sand people.
- Stan's Afghan counterpart: [to the other counterparts] We're speaking in English; does that make sense?
- CNN Newscaster: The world has backed down from its support of the U.S., saying they were only really just kidding.
- Kyle: You really think that your civilization is better than ours? You people play games by killing animals and oppress women!
- Afghan Kid: It's better than a civilization that spends its time watching millionaires walking down the red carpet at the Emmy's.
- Stan: [to Kyle] He's got us there, dude.
- Towelie: Don't forget to bring a towel! [the boys are irritated]
- Cartman: Oh no, not Towelie.
- Towelie: When going some place new, you should always bring a towel.
- Stan: Okay, thanks, Towelie.
- Towelie: You want to get high?
- Cartman: [talking fast] NO, WE DON'T WANT TO GET HIGH!
- Towelie: You mean, you don't want Towelie around?
- Cartman: That's right!
- Towelie: So am I to understand, there's been a...Towelie ban? [chuckles. The boys are irritated again]
- Stan: God damn it, get the hell out of here, Towelie!
- Towelie: Alright, see ya.
- Randy Marsh: Stanley, your mom's a little freaked out right now. Why don't you go outside and play with your big brown package from Afghanistan?
- Randy Marsh: Sharon, don't you think maybe you should watch something else? You've been watching CNN for about [checks his watch] eight weeks now?
- [The boys are confronted by Afghan soldiers]
- Kyle: Uh, greetings from Canada. Well, boys, it's about time we get back to our house in Canada, isn't it?
- Cartman: Hey, what the hell are you talking about? I'm not a goddamn Canadian and neither are you.
- Stan: Cartman, you stupid asshole.
How to Eat with Your Butt [5.10]
- Photographer: Take off your hat, please?
- Kyle: But I never take off my hat.
- Photographer: Come on now, I bet your parents want a picture of you looking natural.
- Kyle: This is how I look natural.
- Jimmy: Why did the...pigeon cross the road?
- Cartman: Okay, why?
- Jimmy: Because it was having sex with the chichi... Because it was having sex with the ch-hi-hi... Because it was having sex with the ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch... eh, it was having sex with the ch-ch-chicken.
The Entity [5.11]
- [Kyle's cousin = Kyle. Kyle Broflovski = Kyle 2]
- [Kyle 2 is paying Cartman $40 not to rip on his cousin for being Jewish]
- Ms. Choksondik: Now, Kyle, I need you to be quiet. In my class, you need to be able to concentrate. Concentration is the key to succeed in my class.
- Cartman: Maybe we should send him to a concentration camp. Ah! Dammit, dammit, dammit!
- Kyle 2: Cartman!
- Kyle 2: But what about Cartman?! He rips on ME for being Jewish! He's gonna tear this kid apart!
- Kyle 2: [after seeing commercial for IT] That looks pretty gay.
- Mr Garrison: Excuse me what the hell are you doing?
- Government agent 1: It's alright we're with the government.
- Government agent 2: We're just shutting you down.
- Mr Garrison: Shutting me down why?
- Government agent 3: The airlines are in desperate trouble. Your new vehicle is causing them to lose money.
- Mr Garrison: Yeah, well that was the point, dingleberry! Ah-t put that down!
- Agent 4: Right, so the government is bailing the airlines out again, by shutting you down and making ITs illegal.
- Mr Garrsion: OH, GOD-DAMMIT! You'd better be kidding!
- Agent 5: Sir, many people work for the airlines. We can't let them all be fired.
- Mr Garrison: THE AIRLINE COMPANIES ARE LOSING MONEY BECAUSE OF THEIR OWN INCOMPETENCE AND THEIR OWN INEFFICIENCY!!
- Agent 6: That may be true. But if you build, sell, or ride another IT, "it" will be the last time. Have a nice night.
- Mr Garrison: HWAAAAHHH! Airline motherfuckerrrs! You pieces of shiiit! Cocksucking sons of bitch airlines!
Here Comes the Neighborhood [5.12]
- Will Smith Jr: ...and these are Puff Daddy's kids: P-Diddy Mini, P-Poofy Bite-Size, and Puffa-Diddy Diddy Puff Fun-Size.
- Token: (singing) Why can't I be like all the other kids?
They all have three-bedroom homes, broken trucks on their lawns
And cut-up hot dogs for lunch
It's not my fault my parents succeed so much
There's no one in town I can relate to
I play with autographed baseball bats
While everyone else just plays with sticks and pine cones
Has a boy ever felt so alone?
Well, who needs them, anyway? I won't pretend to be something I'm not
If I can't be poor, I've got to deal with what I've got
If I can't be like them, what I need is more rich kids around
So I'm not the only one, and then I won't be so… down
Please, God, send more rich kids…
To my… town.
I don't fit in anywhere.
- Mr. Garrison: Well, yeah, but at least I got rid of those damn ni- [episode ends]
Kenny Dies [5.13]
- Cartman: [on the phone] Oh, please! Okay, you tell me where you can get aborted fetuses for 70 cents on the dollar. You tell me, Chuck... Yeah, I didn't think so. You know, I'm just like the fetuses, Chuck: I wasn't born yesterday either!
- Cartman: I'm telling you, if you let this deal pass you by, you're making a fetal mistake. [laughs]
- Stan: Why would God let Kenny die, Chef? Why? Kenny's my f-f-friend. Why can't God take someone Else's f-f-friend?
- Chef: There, there, Stan, sometimes God take those closest to us, because it makes him feel better about Himself. He's a very vengeful God, Stan. He's all pissed off about something we did thousands of years ago - he just can't get over it. So he doesn't care who he takes: children, puppies, it don't matter to him, so long as it makes us sad. Do you understand?
- Stan: Then why does God give us anything to start with?
- Chef: Well, look at it this way: if you want to make a baby cry, first, you give it a lollipop. Then, you take it away. If you never give it a lollipop to begin with, then you would have nothing to cry about. That's like God, who gives us life and love and health, just so that he can tear it all away and make us cry, so he can drink the sweet milk of our tears. You see, it's our tears, Stan, that give God his great power.
- Stan: I think I understand.
- [Kenny has just discover his sickness died and became free]
- Kenny: (laughing a little) I'm free. I'm free. Quick, QUICK! Wish for something outrageous, say 'I-I want the Nile'! Wish for the Nile, try that.
- Stan: Did he say anything before he went?
- Kyle: He just said, "Where's Stan?"
- Kenny: NO WAY! [points and laughs] OH, does this feel good! Oh! I'm free! I'm free at last! [starts packing a suitcase] I'm hitting the road! I'm off to see the world! I'm-
- Mr. Garrison: And so, we will all miss you, Kenny, your playful laughter, your innocent smile.
- Kenny: [tearfully] Me too, pal. (sniffs) No matter what anybody says... you'll always be a teacher to me. [He and Mr. Garrison hug]
Butters' Very Own Episode [5.14]
- Butters: [on seeing his dad "wrestling"] Yep. He went in there and wrestled with all kinds of guys. He wasn't too good, though. This one black guy had him pinned down for fifteen minutes straight!
- Butters: Oh, you mean like the time you washed my mouth out with soap for saying' "nut sack" in front of Grandma. Yeah, I need to behave myself. [slaps his right hand with his left]
- Truck Driver: Yeah. Too bad you're not a broad, 'cause I need some god damn poontang.
- Butters: Yeah. I could use some god damn poontang myself right now.
- Butters: Will I eventually get to South Park if I follow this road?
- Old Man: That road leads to Conifer. You want to go to South Park, you've got to go down that road. [indicates gloomy road leading through a twisted-looking forest] Course, I have never seen anyone go up that road. Six years ago a group of campers went up there and got lost, had to eat each other to stay alive. Used to be the way to the O'Reilly house. He butchered over fifty children and kept their bodies in his cellar. You should find an old bridge about halfway up; that bridge is cursed, you know. They built it with the bones of two hundred Chinese laborers who were massacred in '34. Yap, Lotta history on that road.
- Butters: You know, you can call a shovel an ice-cream machine, but it's still a shovel, Mom and Dad. Ah, and you can call a lie whatever you want, but it's still a no-good stinking lie!
- Gary Condit, O.J. Simpson, and the Ramseys: One of us, One of us, Gobble Gobble, Gobble Gobble, One of us!"
- Chris Stotch: And so the people we owe the biggest apology to are the Ramseys, Congressman Condit, and O.J.. We gave you false hope for finding the person who hurt those close to you, and we're sorry. Now we're just happy we won't have to live a life of secrets. For I knew that even though some of you supported us, some others were looking at me and thinking, "You're a liar! You're a LIAR!" [points at the crowd, and Condit's fixed-grin face is shown] "YOU KNOW SOMETHING THAT YOU'RE NOT TELLING US, YOU SLIMY SCUMBAG LIAR!" [back to Chris] You know, that's what people would say to me. And then people would see my wife at the supermarket and they would say "Hello," but they'd be thinking, "Ah, there goes that murderer"! [a shot of O.J.] "You got away with murder, you murdering, lying waste of life!" [back to Chris] And to me, people might say things like, [a shot of Condit] "LIAR! TELL US WHAT YOU KNOW, YOU GODDAMNED LIAR!" [back to Chris] And so, to both of us, people all over town would be saying things like, [a shot of the Ramseys] "YOU KNOW GODDAMN WELL WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR KID, SO STOP ACTING LIKE VICTIMS AND CONFESS, YOU MURDERING MURDERERS!" [a shot of O.J.] "CONFESS!" [a shot of Condit] "LIAR! CONFESS!!" [back to Chris] You know, and, that's what people would be saying to us, and so, we just had to come forward and tell the truth.
- Butters: Oh well, when I get a chipotle blue-cheese bacon burger at Bennigan's, I forget all about my dad being queer and my mom is trying to kill me. I'm going to be okay.
- Stan: Really?
- Butters: No, I'm lying.
Season 6
South Park: Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 | Bigger, Longer & Uncut | Specials: The Streaming Wars, Joining the Panderverse, (Not Suitable for Children), The End of Obesity
South Park (1997–present) is an adult animated television series created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado.
Jared Has Aides [6.1]
- Jared Fogle: [beats dead horse with baseball bat] I tell my girlfriend I have aides and she leaves! I tell the world to get aides and they think I'm crazy! I offered to give aides to kids and everyone wants me dead!! WHAT'S WRONG WITH AIDES?! WHY DOESN'T EVERYONE WANT ME TO GIVE THEM AIDES?
- Cartman: I can't lose weight, Butters, because I'm not fat, I'm big-boned. You can't slim down bones, stupid!
- Cartman: Damn it, Butters! Keep eating, or else I'll kick your butt till you're deader than Kenny!
- Stan: Dude, that isn't cool. You shouldn't joke about Kenny being dead. Enough time hasn't passed.
- Cartman: How long do we have to wait before we can joke about it?
- Kyle: 22.3 years. That's how long it takes for something tragic to become funny.
- Cartman: Wugh, that's a long time to wait.
- Stephen Stotch: Butters! Are you having liposuction surgery? Tell me the truth!
- Butters: Yes, sir.
- Linda Stotch: This is unbelievable! How many times have we told you never to have self-performed liposuction surgery in our house?!
- Butters: Four times, Mom.
- Stephen Stotch: Well, I guess that wasn't enough! You get up to your room right now, mister!
- Butters: Yes, sir....
- [Butters collapses down on the floor, near-death. Stephen and Linda feel disgusted for a beat]
- Stephen Stotch: Oh-ho, don't you give us that look, young man! You're going to get it!
- Stephen Stotch: I'm just checking in on you, Butters. Do I hear the Television? We told you no television while you're grounded!
- Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Oh, gee whiz, I'm not watching Television, Dad. I'm just laying around jacking it.
- Stephen Stotch: Jacking it? Jacking what?
- Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Well, my hot, spicy boner, of course, Dad.
- Stephen Stotch: What?! Are you trying to get yourself in more trouble with that kind of language?
- Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Aw, loosen up, you bloody vaginal belch.
- Stephen Stotch: Oh! You are gonna get it, mister! You just wait till I get home!
- Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Bring it on, queer-bait. [hangs up] Ah, yeah.
- Linda Stotch: Butters, your father called and said you made him very upset.
- Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Yeah, well, uh, Dad's being a little pussy, Mom.
- Linda Stotch: [shocking] Butters, where did you get that kind of smart mouth?
- Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Uh, not from you dumb-asses, that's for sure.
- Linda Stotch: Oh! You just wait till I get home, mister!
- Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Uh, I'll be waiting with horse bells on, you-you old horse-banging stank.
- Butters: Guys, I can't eat no more. I just keep on puking it up.
- Cartman: Then eat your puke!
- Butters: No!
- Cartman: C'mon, Japanese girls do it!
- [Cartman sets his chair and is seated at the front of Butters's house, before Chris and Linda rushed all the way to enter the door]
- Butters: [inside] Hi, Mom and Dad!
- Stephen Stotch: DON'T YOU 'HI, MOM AND DAD' US, YOU LITTLE PUNK!!! (THUNK!!)
- Butters: Ow. Dad? [Cartman sits in his chair eating popcorn and slurps his slushee]
- Linda Stotch: YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE TROUBLE YOU'RE IN, MISTER!! (BAHK!!)
- Butters: Ah! What did I do? What did I do??
- Stephen Stotch: YOU THINK YOU'RE TOUGH NOW? ANSWER ME!!!
- Butters: (BASH!!) Dahh..!!
- Cartman: Aw, man, if I was older, I would totally start jacking off right now.
Asspen [6.2]
- Thumper: [motioning to Butters's "Hitler"] Hey, little dude, you got some crap right here.
- Butters: [unaware he does have feces on his face] Why that's my face, sir.
- Thumper: We're going to take it slow, take it easy, make sure everybody has a good time. 'Cause what is skiing about? Having a good... [puts his left hand to his ear, hoping for an answer. The boys just look at him] Time, that's right. Now, just a few safety things to keep in mind: First of all, look straight ahead when you ski. You look down, you're going to fall, you're going to have a bad time. Also, be aware of skiers around you. You run into another skier, your skis are going to cross, going to have a bad time.
- Thumper: If you French fry when you should have Pizza's, you're going to have a bad time...
- Tad: What's your name, hot shot?
- Stan: Stan. Marsh.
- Tad: Stan Marsh? [laughs] Stan Darsh is more like it.
- Cartman: Hey, you guys, Butters is asleep.
- Stan: He's such a douchebag.
- Cartman: Have you seen this trick? When someone's sleeping, you can take a glass of warm water, and when you put their hand in it...
- Stan: And then what?
- Cartman: ...and then you pee on them!
- [Cartman starts peeing on Butters]
- Kyle: No, dude! You're supposed to put their hand in warm water to make them pee!
- Cartman: Oh, really? Oh, well.
- [Cartman continues peeing on Butters]
- Kyle: Stan, you can't let that Tad guy get to you, screw him, dude.
- Stan: Dude, I have to...he's got Heather!
- [silence]
- Kyle: You don't even know Heather!
- Stan: I know, I know, but I have to do this. I'm not going to die, I mean how bad could the K-13 be?
- [An old man walks into the shot]
- Old Man: The K-13? You don't want to go down that run. That run's got a history. Thirty-five people have died going down it and some say you can still see their ghosts up there. I was on that very ski run and then a group of students were killed by a wolf-boy who escaped from the mental institution. You see, that ski run was once a burial ground to a tribe of vampire Wichita Indians who ate the flesh of children with no eyes... Yap, lot of history on that ski run.
- [silence]
- Stan: Thank you.
- Old Man: Yap.
Freak Strike [6.3]
- Misha: This is terrible, ma’am. Sam & Cat parades brought these poor people around on his show like carnival freaks and then gives them prizes at the end as if to justify it. What a woeful waste!
- Valentin: Question: Why on earth would they want that chocolate cake anyway? Answer: On Debbie’s favorite HHPAY episode “Fan Clubs”! WOO HOO!!!!!
- Mikey: Yeah, “Fan Clubs” hit literally the only WORST HHPAY episode ever.
- Valentin: Bleh!
South Korean Narrator: Yang's new mansion, yeah, GET OUTTAʼ HIʼHOUʼE. He's back from Mongolia ALREADY LIBERITY and his uncle, Master Yo, has apparently heard about the show HHPAY being cancelled ALREADY BRUTAL. Yin has hee arms folded in front of him. GOOD LUCK AT 101!!! YAY!!!!
- Yin: Just what did you think you were doing, bro? Not only did you lie to us and say you were on a camping trip with Doki's family, you made a fool of Isabella, ruined her life, AND us on national television!
- Yang: [still wearing his flannel, grinning nervously] I'm sorry, sorry!!!
- Yin: Bleh!
- your chin and march right up to your room!
- Butters: [with voice trembling, turns around] Yes ma'am. [removes his balls]
Butters' room. He's pacing the floor mad at himself.
- Butters: Serves me right! Putting balls on my chin and lying about it. Why I, I should be grounded for a month! Why do I do these things? Why can't I behave myself? [his phone rings. Butters goes for the receiver]
- Stan: [on the other end] Hey Butters, those other freak people from the show were just over here looking for you?
- Butters: Oh Jesus! They were??
- Stan: Yeah, they wanted to find you bad.
- Butters: Well Oh, God! W-whatdya tell him?
- Stan: I- told them where to find you.
- Butters: What?? W-why the heck would you do that. Wuh they wanna kill me for not being a real freak!
- Stan: Oh. Well, serves you right for screwing us over. [hangs up. Butters looks helpless, then walks to the window to see if the freaks are coming. They are indeed]
- Cartman: Oh yeah? I run with 12 gangs, and we only commit hate crimes. Whatever--I do what I want!
- Man with Terrible Skin Condition: The first group will be led by Incredibly Obese Black Man.
- Large-Sized African-American Freak: Excuse me, I'm not Incredibly Obese Black Man. I'm Incredibly Black Obese Man.
- Man with Terrible Skin Condition: Oh right, my bad.
- Butters: I've got to get back to my family.
- Man with Terrible Skin Condition: We're your family too, Napoleon. We're like you. When we look at you, we don't even see the testicles on your chin, we see the testicles in your heart.
- Unlabeled Freak: Sure, everyone in this great country of ours is a freak, but true, physically deformed freaks must be recognized, for it's these real freaks that make you all feel better about yourselves for not being one.
- Audience Member: They're right. We should have never crossed that picket line. [rest of audience agrees with him and they all begin to leave the set]
- Maury Povich: Wait, wait, come back. Maybe we can get the other out- of-control kids to take off their clothes too.
- Cartman: Whatever, I'll crap in Maury's pants!
- Vanessa: [after being booed by the audience] Whatever! Whatever! You fucking cocksuckers don't know shit! Fuck you!
- Cartman: I was once involved in a drive-by shooting! Whatever, I do what I want!
- Vanessa: You aren't bad, you aren't nothing! I ditch class to go shoot heroin in the school bathroom!
- Cartman: I'm so bad I ran for Congress and won! Then I had sex with an intern, killed her, then hid her body! Whatever, I do what I want!
- Cartman: I'm so bad I digitally put Jabba the Hut back in the original Star Wars movie! Whatever, I do what I want!
- Maury Povich: Wow! That is out of control!
Fun with Veal [6.4]
- [Stan and Kyle are banging on Cartman's window]
- Stan: Psst, Cartman.
- Cartman: [in his sleep] No, Uncle Jesse, no!
- Stan: Cartman, wake up!
- Cartman:: What the hell are you guys doing?
- Kyle: C'mon, we got to go.
- Cartman: Where are we going?
- Stan: We're going to go save the baby cows, fatass.
- Cartman: What? Why?
- Kyle: 'Cause they're going to get slaughtered tomorrow, butthole.
- Cartman: So...
- Stan: We can't let them die, douche-bag. You're our friend.
- Cartman: Well, let's see. In the last 3.2 seconds you've called me fatass, butthole and douchebag. I don't feel like you guys are friends.
- Butters: But, Stan, you said we're just using him so you can get his Mission Impossible Breaking and Entering play set!
- Stan: Damn it, Butters! Will you shut up?!
- Cartman: Aha, aha! You do need me and my Mission Impossible play set!
- Stan: Yes we do!
- Cartman: Okay, I'll go, if Kyle will kiss my black ass. [lowers pants to show his butt]
- Kyle: What?!
- Cartman: Just give it a little kiss and I'll help.
- Kyle: Screw you, Cartman!
- Cartman: Okay, but if you want my help you have to give it just a little kiss. [softly] Kiss it.
- Stan: Go on, dude it's the only way.
- Kyle: No!
- Cartman: Kiss it. Come on. [gruffly] Kiss it.
- Stan: Just do it really fast, and we can go.
- Kyle: Have Butters kiss it.
- Cartman: No, it has to be Kyle. [turns away. Kyle resists for a few moments, then slowly moves his face towards Cartman's ass through the window. Kyle finally reaches the ass and Cartman farts in his face]
- Kyle: Awww! [wipes off his face and then waves away the smell]
- Cartman: [laughs uproariously] Oh, man, that was Soho awesome!
- Kyle: Sick! I felt it on my face!
- Stan: Okay, very funny, Cartman, now come on!
- Cartman: Well, I'm not going with you!
- [Kyle screams and jumps on Cartman]
- [When Stan locks himself in his room with Kyle, Cartman, and Kyle, and the calves after he refused to give Rancher Bob his calves...]
- Sharon Marsh: [pounds on the door, trying to open it] Stanley! Stanley, you open this door right now or you're gonna get it!
- Stan: No!
- Randy Marsh: Stan, you're behaving like a kid!
- Stan: You're the ones who made me eat veal without telling me what it was! You're the ones who knew we were making little baby animals suffer!
- Sharon Marsh: Open this door, now!
- Stan: Kiss my ass!
- Butters: Oh Jeez, he said "ass" to his parents.
- Kyle: You're getting in pretty deep, dude.
- Randy Marsh: We gave those kids everything and they turned into little John Walkers!
- Cartman: What did I tell you, Stan?! We saved the baby calves from being eaten and now we're no-good DIRTY GOD DAMN HIPPIES!!!
- Cartman: [to a baby cow] Go ahead, that's more for us. You want some beef jerky, buddy? Yes, who's the buddy? Who's hungry? Who's the hungry man?
- Kyle: Dude, that's messed up!
- [Cartman is talking to an FBI negotiator.]
- Cartman: We'll give you one calf, if you give us...some guns and ammunition of our own!
- Glen Dumont: What?! I--I can't do that!
- Cartman: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were talking here, but I guess you're not talking to me. Good-bye.
- Glen Dumont: No, no wait, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Uh, you're right. What reason do you have to trust me? I'm just a guy from Lakewood trying to make ends meet, you know? Just a blue-collar guy like your dad.
- Cartman: Don't have a dad, Mike. That's not going to work.
- [The phone rings; Cartman picks up]
- Cartman: Mike.
- Mike: How we doing?
- Cartman: We got a sick kid here, Mike. Did you get the other things?
- Mike: Well, I did manage to get the FDA to officially change "veal" to "tortured baby cow," but I couldn't get North or South Dakota.
- Cartman: Oh, Mike, you're breaking my balls!
- FBI Leader: All right that's it. You are in fact the worst negotiator I've ever seen in action.
- Mike: All right, I'll give you that. But in exchange I want 3 staples.
- FBI Leader: Get the hell out of here!
- Cartman: What are you waiting for? Go kill them, Worf!
- Michael Dorn: I'm not killing anybody!
- Cartman: Ugh! Some goddamned Klingon you are!
- Dr. Doctor: He's very lucky you got him here when you did. He was in a very advanced state of vaginitis.
- Randy: Vaginitis?
- Dr. Doctor: It occurs when a person stops eating meat. Those sores on his skin were actually small vaginas. If we hadn't stopped it in time, Stan would have eventually just become one great big giant pussy.
- Kyle: Whoa, dude.
- Dr. Doctor: We've got an IV of pure beef blood pumping into Stan's veins and the... sores are fading.
- Cartman: Thank God we stopped it in time.
- Stan: Well, I guess we learned something today: it's wrong to eat veal because the animals are so horribly mistreated, but if you don't eat meat at all you break out in vaginas.
- Butters: Hear hear.
- Sheila: All right boys, it's time to go home. You've got some serious grounding time to start.
- Stephen: I'll say!
- Butters: Aw, we're still grounded?
- Kyle: But, but we, we learned things, and took up a cause.
- Gerald: Yes Kyle, but you still defied your parents. And you need to learn that terrorism is never the answer.
- Stephen: That's right, let's get these terrorists to their rooms. [Sternly] But first, [softens] maybe we can grab some burgers.
- The Boys: All right!
- Barkeep: Look, this is a bar! We can't have children in here. People come here for debauchery and sin!
- Cartman: Butters will give hand jobs in the corner for a dollar.
- Butters: Well sure! I'm good at all kinds of jobs.
- Kyle: Oh Jesus! Now where do we go?
- Stan: We've tried everywhere! Butters, are you absolutely sure we can't go to your house?
- Butters: I'm sure! There's no way!
- Kyle: Uh, why not?!
- Butters: Uh, because! Uh my parents are out of town, and I don't have a babysitter.
- Cartman: [glares at Butters] Oh, god damn it, you better be kidding!
- Butters: No, I really don't have a babysitter.
- Russell Crowe: Well, we found out that I couldn't actually fight cancer, but we did find a person with cancer. [brings out a sickly cancer patient and begins beating him severely] Come on, cancer, ya pussy! Is that all you got?!
- Russell Crowe: My fighting's poetry! You don't edit Russell Crowe's poetry, ya testicle! [beats up the editor]
- Chef: Hello, is this customer service? I'm having a problem with my new Television: it's sprouted laser guns and started walking around shooting people.
Professor Chaos [6.6]
- The boys have decided to cut Butters off from their friend group. They dress formally and "fire" him like in an office.
- Cartman: I'm afraid we going to have to let you go...as our friend. You're just too...
- Kyle: Lame.
- Cartman: Lame, yes.
- Butters: But I can get better!
- Stan: Butters, you just don't really fit in with us here. We think it's best for all of us if you look for friendship opportunities elsewhere.
- Kyle: But we certainly want to thank you for all your hard work in the attempts to be our friend. Lame as they were.
- Towelie: [high] Well, I really hope I win 'cause... Wait, what is this again? Oh, man, I have no idea what's going on.
- Pip: Can I have some tea, please?
- Cartman: You don't drink tea in a ballpark, you French piece of crap!
- Pip: Oh, very well. Just some crumpets, then.
Simpsons Already Did It [6.7]
- General Disarray: Simpsons did it! Simpsons did it!
- Cartman: I got ripped off!
- Kyle: I told you, Cartman.
- Cartman: Oh, shut up, Kyle! Shut your goddamn Jew mouth! You people are why there's war in the Middle East! And you, Tweek, why don't you learn to button your shirt right, for once?! You're as bad as Stan with his stupid girlfriend, always spending time with her! God, I hate you guys!
- Cartman: [explaining where he obtained the "sea men" for his aquarium] Yeah, I bought all I could from this bank...I got the rest from this guy named Ralph in an alley--stupid asshole didn't even charge me, he just told me to close my eyes and suck it out of a hose!
- Stan: Close your eyes and suck it out of a hose?
- Cartman: Suck it out of a hose, yeah.
- Stan: Oh.
- Tweek: But, what if when I'm trying to put on the nose, the snowman comes alive and tries to kill me?
- Stan: Tweek, when has that ever happened, except that one time?
- Chef: Oh, well hello there, children.
- Stan: Chef, we did something kind of bad.
- Chef: Oh, I'm sure your little cracker problems ain't all that bad. Come on in. Now, just sit down and take a deep breath and tell old Chef what's going on.
- Stan: We killed our teacher and they found our sea men in her stomach.
- Chef: Oh, children, that's a problem we all have to face at one time or another. Here: let me sing you a little song that might cheer you up. Sometimes you kill your teacher/And they find your semen in her stomach/And --wait! What the--WHAT?!
- Stan: So what should we do?
- [Chef pushes the couch where the boys are sitting outside and shuts the door]
Red Hot Catholic Love [6.8]
- Chef: Hello there, children.
- Stan: Chef, what would a priest want stick in our butts?
- Chef: Good-bye.
- Tweek: Nobody's going to tell us! This is gonna drive me insane!
- Kyle: Calm down, Tweek. There has to be a rational explanation.
- Bishop: O Great Queen Spider, we wish to change one of the Vatican laws.
- Queen Spider: No, the Vatican laws cannot be changed, so sayeth the spider.
- Kyle: Cartman, that's the dumbest thing you've ever said, this week.
- Sharon: So, kids, anything fun happen with your whole Sunday off?
- Stan: Uh, Cartman shoved his lunch up his ass and crapped out his mouth.
- Sharon: Stanley!
- Stan: What? He did!
- Randy: No, it doesn't work that way, son.
- Stan: Yeah, it does.
- Randy: No, it doesn't.
- Stan: Yeah, it does.
- [Randy curiously looks at his food]
- Priest: Father, uh, having sex with boys is part of the Catholic priest's way of life.
- Cardinal: Well, what do you suggest we change, Father Maxi?
- Father Maxi: Well, for one, no sex with boys.
- Congregation: Awwwwww! Rabble rabble rabble!
- Father Maxi: Well, maybe we could change the law to say that it's okay for a priest to have sex...with women.
- Congregation of Cardinals: Ah! Rabble rabble rabble rabble!
- Gilgamek Cardinal: The Gilgamek vagina is three feet wide and filled with razor sharp teeth. Do you really expect us to have sex with them?
- Father Maxi: Right, maybe we should forget about the Gelgameks for right now.
- Gilgamek Cardinal: Forget about the Gelgameks?!
- Gilgamek Cardinals: Ah! Rabble rabble rabble rabble!
Free Hat [6.9]
- Announcer: Coming this summer...it's the classic film that changed America...
- [a trailer for the (real) re-release of E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial starts playing]
- Announcer: All the E.T. effects have been digitally upgraded. [as the US secret agents chase the kids] All the guns have been digitally changed to walkie talkies.
- Announcer: And the word "TERRORIST" has been changed to "HIPPIE."
- Stan: [disappointed] Aw, dude, why would they do that?
- Cartman: Yeah, a hippie and a terrorist is the same thing.
- Kyle: No, dude, Spielberg changed terrorist to hippie to make ET more PC.
- Stan: That's gay...
- Announcer: Coming this summer...it's the motion picture that changed America...
- [a trailer for the (fictional) "re-re-release" of Saving Private Ryan starts playing]
- Announcer: The word "NAZI" has been changed to "PERSONS WITH POLITICAL DIFFERENCES." And all the guns have been replaced by walkie talkies.
- [shots of soldiers getting killed or crippled by walkie talkies]
- [a banner shows up (and read by an announcer) before the airing of the "re-re-re-release" of Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back]
- Announcer: The word "WOOKIEE" has been changed to "HAIR CHALLENGED ANIMAL" and the entire cast has been digitally replaced by Ewoks.
- [the kids ditch the theater in anger and try to get their money back]
- [On "EXCESS HOLLYWOOD"]
- Host: Well, the print is finished and the day has come. Tonight Steven Spielberg and George Lucas will be at the premiere of the new Special Edition of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Lots of celebrity guests and other rich people will be on hand to witness all the updated effects and modernized technology.
- Cartman: Hit it, Tweek! [Tweek turns on stereo that starts playing Caribbean music; Cartman start singing] In the tropical isle with the coconut tree, there's a lots of--
- Stan: Wait wait wait wait wait. I thought we were gonna cool his hot heart with a cool island song.
- Cartman: No, he has an icy heart.
- Kyle: But you can't melt ice with a cool song, retard.
- Stan: So we have to warm his icy heart with a hot island song.
- Cartman: But it's a cool island song.
- Kyle: Well then we're gonna end up freezing his hellish heart with a cool island song.
- Cartman: Oh, do we wanna do that?
- George Lucas: ALL RIGHT, that does it!
- Man 1: Yeah... Maybe we could melt the governor's icy heart with a cool island song!
- Members: Yeah!
- Tweek: No!
- Skeeter: No?
- Man 2: No! He's right. We have to freeze his hot heart with a cool island song.
- Woman: Or is it freshen his hot temper with a cool island song?
- Man 3: Let's cool his hot temper with a fresh island song.
- Man 4: That's it!
- [Raiders of the Lost Ark's theme is played as Spielberg, Lucas, Coppola, and their entourage walk across a desert with the new print of Raiders of the Lost Ark inside an ark, and the kids as their prisoners]
- Tweek: [from atop a cliff looking down upon the entourage in the canyon] Hello!
- Spielberg: The kid? The Tweaked-out kid?!
- Tweek: [leveling a bazooka] I'm gonna blow up the print, Spielberg.
- Spielberg: Your persistence surprises even me.
- Coppola: Surely you don't think you can escape from this premiere.
- Tweek: That depends on how reasonable we're all going to be. All I want are my friends.
- Cartman: Wow!
- Tweek: Except for Cartman. You can keep him!
- Cartman: Ey!
Bebe's Boobs Destroy Society [6.10]
- Bebe's Mother: Part of being a woman is having a friend one day and calling her a slut the next.
- Bebe: Mom, what's six times eight?
- Bebe's Mother: Oh sweetie, those are two completely different numbers.
- Bebe: Having boobs sucks.
- Interior scene, Marsh residence. Stan, who has regressed to a primitive state, is gesturing with a stick to drawings he's made of breasts on the living room wall. Realizing he's starting to take interest in girls, Randy and Sharon decide to have a talk with him.
- Stan: A-tah! Ah, a-tah!
- Randy: Hey there, son.
- Stan: (Turns around) Ohh! A-tah, a-tah!
- Randy: Yes, a-tah. Let's have a talk, Stan.
- Stan: Ah.
- Randy: Stan, as you get older, boobs, these "a-tah", will start becoming a major part of your life.
- Stan: A-tah?
- Randy: But Stanley, you can't let them get in the way of your friends. There're a lot of boobs out there son, but they're just boobs. Your friends are forever.
- Stan: Friends...a-tah.
- Randy: I know you think this set of boobs is important now, but those boobs will be replaced by another set of boobs. Boobs will come and go, and then, some day, (puts an arm around a smiling Sharon) you'll meet a pair of boobs you want to marry - and those become the boobs that matter the most.
- Sharon: I love you.
- Wendy: [fake coughing] Slut! Slut!
- Butters: [feeling Wendy's enhanced breasts] Eew! They're all hard and oogy!
- Cartman: [the boys are discussing who to kick out of their group] So, Kyle, I want to tell you it's been very fun and we're going to miss you. [pulls out two containers] Here's a nice watch and some peanuts.
- Kyle: Me?! But I've been here from the beginning!
- Cartman: And it's sad to see you go. Maybe you can make friends with the kids down the road. Three cheers for Kyle! Hip hip...
- Stan: Dude, we're not kicking Kyle out.
- Cartman: [whining] Please?
- Stan: No!
- Cartman: All right, then I guess we have no choice-- [turns to Tweek] but to let you go, Tweek, I want to say you've been great filling in as a fourth friend and we're gonna miss you. [moves the watch and peanuts to Tweak's side] Here's a watch and some peanuts.
- Kyle: No way, dude, Tweak's cool.
- Stan: Yeah!
- Cartman: Well, dumb-asses, how are we gonna make room for Bebe?
- [The next day. Stan, Kyle, Bebe, and Tweek are all standing at the bus stop; Cartman is conspicuously absent.]
- Bebe: Thanks for inviting me to ride the bus with you this morning.
- [Cartman approaches the group.]
- Cartman: [furiously] Oh, that's fine! That's fine! Fuck you, Kyle, and fuck you, Stan! [walks away, then comes back] Fuck you, Tweek! [walks away, then comes back again] Bebe, you're still cool. [walks off, seething]
Child Abduction Is Not Funny [6.11]
- [the boys are standing at the bus stop with their parents right behind them]
- Stan: Dude. This is worse than Child Tracker.
- Mr. Tweek: It's okay, boys, just act as if we weren't here.
- Mrs. Marsh: Right, do what you would normally do.
- Kyle: [awkwardly] You're such a fat-ass, Cartman.
- Cartman: [just as awkwardly] At least I'm not a stupid Jew.
- Sheila: What-what-WHAT?!
- Mr. Mackey: Now, who can tell me when the first moon landing took place? Uh, how about you, Clyde?
- Clyde's Dad: Nineteen-sixty--
- Mr. Mackey: No helping!
- Mr. Mackey: I'm not really sure having all the parents here is a good idea, m'kay?
- Mr. Tweek: Well, maybe things would be better if we could trust people like the Stotches!
- Chris Stotch: Us? Your family's always been the shifty-eyed ones!
- Mr. Tweek: Oh yeah? [all the parents argue]
- Tuong Lu Kim: Goddamn Mongorians! Stop tearing down my shitty wall!
- Tuong Lu Kim: Oh, I get it. Just because I Chinese, you think I build wall. That i' bullshit! I'm not stereotype, okay?! Just because I'm Chinese doesn't mean I go around building wall! I'm just a normal person like all o'you! I eat ahrice and drive ahreally slow, just like the rest o'you! I'm not stereotype!
- Tuong Lu Kim: When those Mongorians come next time, I pour this sweet and sour pork on their heads. Ha ha, sweet and sour pork so hot and sticky, Mongorians stick alright up to the wall! And scream "Uh-woe-o-o!" Oh I can't wait.
- Parents: [in protest] Rabble, rabble, rabble, rabble!
- Mr. Mackey: Mom, Dad, could you please leave me alone?
- Mr. Mackey's Dad: We just want to make sure no one hurts you, Junior, M'kay?
- Mr. Mackey: M'kay.
- News Reporter: And so the residents of Manhattan are prepared to evacuate if Ms. Clinton's ass gets any bigger.
- Stan: [after their parents send them to live outside of South Park] Dude, sometimes I think our parents are really stupid.
- Stan: [muttering] Jesus Christ. They've done some stupid crap before, but Jesus Christ!
A Ladder to Heaven [6.12]
- Mr. Garrison: [nonchalantly] A ladder to heaven? That's fuckin' stupid.
- Reporter: Do you believe in the ladder to heaven?
- Fat Man: If heaven is an 8-year-old boy and the ladder is my penis... [the cameraman steers away, but the fat man tries to get back on screen] And the pearly gates are the-- [static]
- Fat Man: If Saddam Hussein was an 8-year-old boy and my penis were the United States, then there wou-- [cameraman steers away] Hard nipples! [cut to anchor]
- Anchor: Goddammit. [holds up static screen and imitates static]
- Kyle: Dude, what the hell's wrong with you?
- Cartman: I don't know! It's like my brain just keeps...jacking off.
- Kyle: Maybe you've got brain cancer.
- Cartman: You think?!
- Stan: Don't get cancer on the ladder, Cartman! You're gonna fall off and break it.
- Alan Jackson:
- Where were you when they built the ladder to heaven?
- Did it make you feel like crying?
- Or did you think it was kinda gay?
- Well I, for one, believe in the ladder to heaven
- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah… 9/11
- I said 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, Ni-hi, hi-hine…
- …Eleven
- Alan Jackson: [in voice more high-pitched than his singing voice] You little bastards ruined my latest song! [smashes guitar]
- [during flashback]
- Cartman: [singing] In the ghetto, in the ghetto
He's a boy wearing orange who's losing his pride
'Cause Kenny and his whole family reside
In the ghetto, in the ghetto - Kenny: Shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina!
- Cartman: What did you say?
- Kenny: I said, shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina!
- Cartman: What did you say?!
- [after flashback]
- Cartman: I said, shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina! [comes to] Did I just call myself a blood-belching vagina?
- Cartman: Maybe, we're not seeing heaven because one of us is a J-O-O.
- Kyle: What does me being a Jew have to do with anything?
- Cartman: I've never heard the words "only" and "candy" in the same sentence before.
- Stan: We have come to reclaim the One Tape! [Kyle ejects porno tape]
- Butters: Whoa, whoa! What are you doing?
- Kyle: The king and queen of Stan's house wish The Lord of the Rings returned to them!
- Butters: But it's the greatest movie I-I ever seen! You guys were right! Lord of the Rings is awesome! Y-You have to let me finish watching it!
- Cartman: Nay, Butters! The One Tape must be brought back to Stan's house!
- [Stan, Kyle and Cartman leave the house when Butters jumps onto them]
- Butters: RAAGH!!
- Kyle: Butters!! We said you can't watch it! We have a quest!
- Butters: Well then... then let me go with you.
- Kyle: Okay, fine, Butters. But if you're gonna hang out with us, you have to play like Lord of the Rings.
- Butters: Oh, okay! [jumps on Kyle, humping him thoroughly] Ugh-ugh-ugh, yeah...
- Kyle: Butters, what the hell are you doing!?!
- Butters: Playing Lord of the Rings! Ugh-ugh, yeah...
- Kyle: GET THE HELL OFF ME!! You're a freak, Butters!! You can't play with us!
- Butters: Let me have the tape!
- Stan: No, we have to return it! [all leave]
- Butters: My movie! My awesome cool movie! My... Precious....
- [the kids are role-playing "Lord of the Rings" as they walk down a street. They pass another group of kids]
- Kid 1: I shall put a magic spell on you!
- Kid 2: I blocked your spell, wizard.
- Kyle: Hey, what are you guys doing?
- Kid 1: We're playing Harry Potter.
- [slight pause]
- Cartman: HA!!! FAGS!!!
- Randy: And so, that's the situation. All the boys are out there somewhere with a... pornographic videotape.
- Sheila: Oh, God! This-this is horrible!
- Gerald: All right, calm down! Now, just how bad of a porno tape are we talking here? I mean, was it like... Crotch Capers 3?
- Randy: I'm afraid it was... Backdoor Sluts 9.
- Gerald/Chris: BACKDOOR SLUTS 9!?!
- Linda: It's that bad?
- Chris: Backdoor Sluts 9 makes Crotch Capers 3 look like Naughty Nurses 2!
- Gerald: I-It is the single most vile, twisted... dark piece of porn ever made.
- Sheila: [lightly slaps Gerald] How the hell do you know?!
- Gerald: I...uh... I-I-I read about it in People.
- Sheila: [to Randy and Sharon] Oh, this is just great! How could you two be so careless?!
- Sharon: We're sorry!
- Liane: Well, Sheila, we can't shelter our boys forever from these things. Maybe it's okay for them to see an adult film.
- Sheila: Not without their parents to put it in a proper context! They won't understand what they're seeing!
- Randy: I-It can't hurt 'em that much, can it?
- Butters: [grasping the window outside] Precious!! Let me see my precious! Please!!
- Mr. Black: All right, Token, we know you must be very confused about what you saw.
- Randy Marsh: Yes, uh, you see, Token, that was called a pornographic film. It shows adult men and adult women having sexual intercourse. [long beat] Well, you-you see, when a man and a woman fall in love, the man puts his penis in the woman's [[w:vagina|vagina]. It's called lovemaking and it's part of being in love.
- Token: [beat] And when the woman has four penises in her at the same time, then stands over the men and pees on them, is that part of being in love, too? ...Five midgets, spanking a man covered in Thousand Island dressing. Is that making love?
- Mr. Black: Jesus, what kind of porno was that?
- Gerald: It was Backdoor Sluts 9.
- Mr. Black: Oh Jesus, not that one!!
- Jimmy: [to advancing 6th-graders] YOU SHALL NOT PAAAHHH... YOU SHALL NOT PPPPAA...YOU SHALL NOT P... [gets run over] ...p...p...pass.
- Cartman: Go ahead and play Harry Butt-hole Pussy Potter!
The Death Camp of Tolerance [6.14]
- Mr. Garrison: I was informed that fourth-graders are a little too old for Mr. Hat.
- Kyle: TWO-year-olds are too old for Mr. Hat!
- Mr. Garrison: But it's okay because I found a new teacher's assistant. Say hello to...Mr. Slave.
- Mr. Slave: Hi, kids. Hm.
- Mr. Garrison: So that's Mr. Slave. The teacher's assistant. Or, as I like to write for short, the Teacher's Ass.
- Cartman: [whispering to Craig] Yo, I think that Mr. Slave guy's a...Pakistani.
- Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just throw a paper airplane?
- Cartman: No, it was Kenny!
- Mr. Garrison: Very funny, Eric. Kenny's dead!
- Cartman: I'm not fat, I have a different life choice.
- Mr. Garrison: Say, Mr. Slave...
- Mr. Slave: Yes, Mr. Garrison?
- Mr. Garrison: I had a dream last night that you were a real dick.
- Mr. Slave: Really? Why would you dream that I was being an asshole?
- Mr. Garrison: No, no. I was the asshole.
- [school board start applauding, muttering how courageous he is, while the parents exchange shocked and horrified glances]
- Mr. Garrison: [slightly nonplussed] Uh, I'm very happy to receive this award, but you know what makes me even happier? Sucking balls.
- [school board applaud again]
- Mr. Garrison: [whispering to Mr. Slave] It's not working. Sing your song, Mr. Slave.
- Mr. Slave: [singing] I've got a little-- [stops] ooh, ooh ow, Jesus Christ, what the heck's happening in there?
- [in Mr. Slave's stomach]
- Frog King: [to Lemmiwinks, who's on a gyroscope] Hang on, Lemmiwinks! You solved the Catata Fish's riddle, now your trials are nearly through!
- [back up top]
- Mr. Slave: Aah! I should never have shoved those poor animals up my ass! [school board applaud again]
- School Board Member: Courageous.
- Another School Board Member: So courageous.
- Mr. Garrison: [finally losing his temper] God damn it, don't you people get it?! I'm trying to get fired here!
- Cartman: I'll take three lunches today, please.
- Chef: You don't need three lunches, Eric! You're fat enough as it is!
- Cartman: It is my life choice, Chef, and if you don't tolerate it I'll report you to the SEC.
- Cartman: Tolerance kicks ass!
- [everyone laughs]
- Randy Marsh: That's our Cartman.
- Mr. Slave: [lisping] Oh Jesuth Chrith!
- Tour Guide: Now, you boys have probably called this young man names like "tubby" or "lard butt" or "fat tits"--
- Kyle: Ooh, fat tits, that's a good one.
- Stan: Yeah, we'll have to remember that.
- Cartman's mom: Doctor! Did you find out what's wrong with him?
- Doctor: Yes. I'm afraid he's… Running out of time.
- Cartman's mom: Why, what's wrong with him?
- Doctor: It's his time, it's running out.
- Cartman's mom: Well, what does he need?
- Doctor: He needs to have more time.
- Cartman's mom: What can we do?
- Doctor: Well, i suppose we could try a time transplant… I'll have to call in a specialist.
- John Edward: But, I'm a psychic.
- Stan: No, dude. You're a douche.
- John Edward: I'm not a douche. What if I really believed dead people talk to me?
- Stan: Then you're a stupid douche.
- John Edward: I think I've had enough of your bullying me. Get out of my house or I'll run upstairs, lock myself in my panic room and call the police.
- Stan: I'm 9 years old.
- John Edward: I'm not talking to your friend and I'm not a douche! [runs upstairs] You better get out of my house or I'm going to call the police!
- Stan: You are so a douche! I'm nominating you for the Biggest Douche in the Universe award, you douche!
- John Edward: You better not call me a liar, a fake, or a douche, or else I'll sue you for slander!
- Stan: I am saying this to you, John Edward. You are a liar. You are a fake. And you are the biggest douche ever.
- John Edward: Everything I tell people is positive and gives them hope! How does that make me a douche?
- Stan: Because the big questions in life are tough! "Why are we here?" "Where are we from?" "Where are we going?" But as long as people believe in asshole douchey liars like you, we're never going to find the answers to those questions. You aren't just lying, you're slowing down the progress of all mankind, you douche!
- John Edward: Now I'm hearing a P-word, maybe a Per.
- Woman: My Harry died last year.
- John Edward: Oh, it's coming from here, I'm getting all kinds of voices today, woo! Now Harry, he's telling me, oh, well he's telling me you two used to do things... [woman nods] And that those things involved stuff?
- Woman: They did involve stuff, yes!
- Audience: Ah, yes!
- Announcer: Rob Schneider was an animal. Then he was a woman. And now Rob Schneider is... a stapler. And he's about to find out that being a stapler is harder than it looks. Rob Schneider is "The Stapler". Rated PG-13.
- Announcer: Rob Schneider is a Wall Street Executive with everything going for him. Only problem is, he's about to become... a carrot!
- Rob Schneider: I'm a carrot!
- Announcer: It's 24-"carrot" comedy! Rob Schneider is "A Carrot"! Rated PG-13.
- Announcer: Rob Schneider derp DE derp. Derp DE derpity derpie derp. Until one day, a-derp a-derp a-derp a-derp. Derp DE derp, Ta tittaly tum. From the creators of "DER" and "TUM TA TITTALY TUM TA TOO", Rob Schneider is: "DA DERP DEE DERP DA TEETLEY DERPEE DERPEE DUMB". Rated PG-13.
- Announcer: Rob Schneider is a somewhat popular comedic actor, who seemed to have it all. Until one day, he came across a pot roast [record scratch] and his life changed forever. Now, he's sharing his body with an 8-year-old boy. And he's about to find out that being 8 isn't so great. Rob Schneider is "Kenny!" Rated PG-13.
- Chef's Dad: [in the middle of exorcising Kenny from Cartman] God damn it! The spirit's out and it don't have nowhere to go!
- Chef's Mom: Lord, Thomas! Don't let it get on the curtains!
- Cartman: Hey, guys! How's it going?
- Chef: Cartman?
- Stan: No, that's Kenny.
- Cartman: What the hell are you assholes doing here?
- Stan: That's Cartman.
- Chef's Dad: Well, I guess the child's a pot roast now.
- [After watching a Rob Schneider trailer]
- Stan and Kyle: Weak!
- Cartman: [laughing] That was Kenny laughing, not me.
- [leaving a John Edward show]
- Chef: Man, I can't believe I got fooled by that asshole!
- Stan: He seemed a lot better on TV?
- Chef: ...Yeah.
My Future Self n' Me [6.16]
- Butters: Wait right here, Stan, I warn you, you may not like what you see.
- [Butters goes into the closet]
- Stan: We have to teach our parents a lesson. Show them they can't play with our emotions like that.
- [Butters comes out of the closet, dressed as Professor Chaos]
- Butters: Hahahahahaa!! Now you know my terrible secret!
- Stan: You're gay? It's fine if you're gay, Butters, I don't care.
- Butters: Huh? No, I'm Professor Chaos!
- Cartman: Oh, wow, really? That's so awesome. Now I'll really work to be successful!
- Future Cartman: Right on!
- Cartman: Go have sex with yourself, asshole! I'm not that stupid! Just for that, I'm going to spend my whole childhood eating what I want, and doing drugs when I want! Whatever, I'll do what I want!
- Future Cartman: No! Wait!
- [The future Cartman turns into a fat mechanic]
- Future Cartman: Ah, goddamn it!
- Cartman: Have you seen the poop swatches?
- Butters: All he ever does is watch "Becker," and that show is so stupid.
- Stan: I've been told a lot of things about pot, but I've come to find out a lot of those things aren't true! So I don't know what to believe!
- Randy: Well, Stan, the truth is marijuana probably isn't gonna make you kill people, and...it most likely isn't gonna fund terrorism, but...well, son, pot makes you feel fine with being bored and...it's when you're bored that you should be learning some new skill or discovering some new science or...being creative. If you smoke pot you may grow up to find out that you aren't good at anything!
- Stan: I really, really wish you just would have told me that from the beginning!
Red Sleigh Down [6.17]
- Cartman: Isn't there anything I can do?!
- Kyle's cousin: If you cured cancer and AIDS next week, you would still owe two presents.
- Cartman: Jesus Christ!
- Stan: Thanks a lot, Cartman! Because of you, there isn't going be a Christmas, and there is nobody left to help us!
- [Jesus hands up, is talking to two Iraqis]
- Jesus: Yea, look upon me and know me. My children, you should know something. [a knife comes out of his sleeve] I'm packing!
- [Jesus stabs one Iraqi with the knife with one hand and kills the other with a silenced handgun]
- Santa: [to an Iraqi] I'm gonna fucking kill you!
- Iraqi: You're not in the position to kill anyone. I just want you to tell me America's plan.
- Santa: Then we're in for a long night, 'cause I don't know shit!
- Santa: I just couldn't do it. [camera flashes onto dead Iraqi] I just couldn't let him live. He shocked Santa's balls!
- Santa: Christmas is a very special time of year, but this year it almost didn't happen. There's a man named Jesus who gave his life to save me. And so I declare that every year on Christmas Day. We should remember Jesus for what he did, and thank him for it. From now on, Christmas will be a day for remembering a brave man named Jesus.
- Randy: Stan!
- Sheila: Kyle!
- [Kenny reappears after being dead for the whole sixth season]
- Kenny: Hey, guys what's going on?
- Stan: Oh, hey, Kenny.
- Kyle: Hey, dude, where have you been?
- Kenny: Oh, I was just over there. [points off-screen]
Season 7
South Park: Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 | Bigger, Longer & Uncut | Specials: The Streaming Wars, Joining the Panderverse, (Not Suitable for Children), The End of Obesity
South Park (1997–present) is an adult animated television series created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado.
Cancelled [7.1]
- Cartman, Kyle, Stan, Kenny: [singing] School Days, School Days, Teachers Golden Rule Da--
- [Ike hops onscreen]
- Kyle: Aw, damn it!
- Stan: What?
- Kyle: My god damn brother is trying to follow me to school again!
- Ike: Suck my balls.
- Kyle: No, Ike. You can't come to school with me.
- Cartman [to Ike]: Yeah, go home, you little dildo!
- Kyle: Dude, for the last time, don't call my brother a dildo!
- Cartman: [to Kyle] Alright. [to Ike] Go home, you little semen-puking asshole dick head.
- [Stan, Kenny and Cartman laugh. Kyle picks up Ike and hits Cartman]
- Stan: Dude! Sweet!
- Kyle: Yeah. Check it out. Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
- Ike: Don't kick the goddamn baby.
- Kyle: Kick the baby! [kicks Ike]
- Ike: Wah! Ow!
- Chef: He's a doctor who specializes in your asshole, children.
- Stan: You mean, at one point in this guy's life, he decided he wanted to work up people's butt holes?
- Chef: That's right.
- Kyle: What a dick.
- [an alien satellite dish has fully expanded from within Cartman's ass]
- Kyle: Are you okay?
- Cartman: Dude.... You know that feeling when you take a huge dump? Awesome.
- Chef: Well, doctor?
- Proctologist: I've never quite seen this before. Perhaps he just needs some hemorrhoid cream....
- [the dish immediately re-enters Cartman at high speed]
- Stan: You alright?
- Cartman: You know that feeling when the huge dump you just took shoots back up your ass? NO, I'M NOT ALRIGHT!
- Najix: Well, you don't think the whole universe works the way Earth does, do you? No! One species, one planet! There's a planet of deer, a planet of Asians, and so on! We put them all together on Earth and the whole universe tunes in to watch the fun!
- Joozian 2: You've made it to a hundred episodes. You should be proud!
- Joozian 1: Yeah, a show should never go past a hundred episodes, or else it starts to get stale with ridiculously stupid plot lines and settings.
- Stan: Dude, I have no idea what we're seeing right now, but I have a feeling it's really, really wrong.
- Joozian 1: Oh man, I can't believe I sucked your jaggon.
- Joozian 2: Oh God, we did suck each others's jaggons!
Krazy Kripples [7.2]
- Jimmy: Look! My gang, which I can't talk about because it's super secret, is the most important thing to me now! And if you two don't like it, you can just pass the blunt to the nigga on your left.
- TV reporter: ...if irony were made of strawberries, we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies right now.
Toilet Paper [7.3]
- Grocery Clerk: You know, son, I remember you coming in last week and buying this much toilet paper.
- Cartman: Oh yeah, that's right.
- Grocery Clerk: Toilet paper, toilet paper...
- Kyle: You TP'd a house last week, Cartman?
- Cartman: No, last Thursday night was Fajitas night.
- Kyle: Oh...ewww!
- [after luring Kyle onto a boat with him and rowing them to the middle of a pond, Cartman sneaks up behind Kyle and hits him in the head with a Wiffle bat. It bounces off his hat]
- Kyle: Ow! What the hell are you doing, Cartman?
- Cartman: I'm killing you. Unfortunately, I could only afford a Wiffle bat so this may take a while. [hits him again]
- Kyle: Cartman!
- Cartman: Don't fight it, Kyle, it'll only take longer. Just slip into sweet unconsciousness. [Hits Kyle two more times]
- Kyle: You want to kill me, fine! [Turns around] I can't live like this anymore! Go ahead! [Cartman initially hesitates] What are you waiting for?! Do it!
- Cartman: [Hits Kyle several more times] Won't be long now, Kyle. [Keeps hitting Kyle. Stan and Kenny come up in a paddle boat]
- Stan: Cartman, what're you doing?
- Cartman: I'm getting rid of our problem. Kyle will be dead in a matter of hours.
- Josh: Tell me something first. When you went to the academy you had something to prove--you wanted to protect and serve but mostly you just wanted to protect yourself. Who were you protecting yourself from, Officer Barbrady?
- Officer Barbrady: Alright! Alright! My uncle Charles used to hit me with a belt!
- Guard: Josh, were you doing the silly voice for the policeman again?
- Josh: [in a normal, high-pitched voice] No sir.
- Josh: Your uncle who hit you with a belt, was he a large man?
- Officer Barbrady: I don't have time for this, kid.
- Josh: Did he stink like beer when he came home from work, all tired from playing down at the pool house?
- Officer Barbrady: All right, all right! My dad dressed me up like a little girl on poker nights and made me sit on all my uncles' laps! [breaks down into sobs]
- Josh: [in a normal voice] ...Whoa. Er...oh. Thank you.
- Stephen: [annoyed] Well, well, well, I had to see it to believe it.
- Butters: Hi, Dad.
- Stephen: Don't you "Hi, Dad" me! Look at you! Standing behind prison bars, again!
- Butters: Yeah.
- Linda: What fibs have you been telling this policeman, Butters? You know damn well you didn't toilet paper that house.
- Officer Barbrady: Huh?
- Stephen: Butters was with us all night, Officer Barbrady.
- Linda: Butters, what have we told you about confessing to crimes you didn't commit? We have had it, mister!
- Butters: Well, he kept accusing me for hours, and then he shot me up with Sodium Pentothal.
- Stephen: And that's your excuse?
- Officer Barbrady: Looks like I made a mistake. I guess I'd better let you out now. [lets Butters out of the cell]
- Stephen: Just wait till we get you home, you little fibber!
- Principal Victoria: Will you people stop barging into my office, please?
- Josh: What's the matter, Principal Victoria? Was your mother abusive? Did she spank your thighs with cold cuts and stick umbrellas up your ass?
- Stan: You'd better go over our story again so we don't screw it up.
- Cartman: Okay, last night all four of us were at the bowling alley until about 7:30 at which time we noticed Ally Sheedy the goth chick from The Breakfast Club who was bowling in the lane next to us when we asked her for her autograph but she didn't have a pen so we followed her out to her car but on the way we were accosted by five Scientologists who wanted to give us all personality tests which were administered at the Scientology Center in Denver until 10:45 at which time we accidentally boarded the wrong bus home and ended up in Ranchas Des Fritas Rojes South of Castle Rock and finally got a ride home from a man who was missing his left index finger named Gary Bushwell arriving home at 11:46.
- Kyle: I'm confused; did Ally Sheedy take the personality test?
- Stan: Yes, dude!
I'm A Little Bit Country [7.4]
- Cartman: [beginning to slack off] Ugh. Ughuh. [tries to resume studying, but his eyes grow heavy. He panics] I can't do it! This is waaay too much material for a nine-year-old! [yawns loudly and promptly sleeps on his book]
- Kyle: [smacks Cartman] Not so fast, dude! Everytime we get put in a study group, you sit on your butt and slack off, while we do all of the hard parts!
- Cartman: Well you guys are such better studiers than me, I know you can pull it off!
- Token: [pointing] I don't care what you want, you're gonna read this stuff and study like the rest of us rather you like this or not!
- Cartman: Maaaa. M-maaaa.
- Kyle: [annoyed] Shut up and study!
- Cartman: Maaaa, Mah mah M-maaaa!
- Kyle: [irritated] SHUT UP, FATASS!!
- Cartman: [gets angry now after being called fat] DON'T CALL ME FAT, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! [leap across the desk at Kyle, and they immediately started fighting. Token and Kenny join in, the other kids start cheering]
- Mr. Garrison: HEY, HEY!!! STOP THAT FIGHTING, RIGHT NOW!!!!! YOU KNOW WHAT?! GET OUT!!!! GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CLASSROOM NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Kyle: God damn it!
- Cartman: [celebrates] Nyanyanyanyanyaaa nya! We've got out of schoooool! Nyanyanyanyanyaaa nya!
- Kyle: IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!!!
- Cartman: OH IT'S MY FAULT?! IT'S MY FAULT?!?!?!
- Kyle: YES, IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT BECAUSE YOUR A LAZY PRICK!!
- Cartman: OH YEAH?! WELL AT LEAST WE'VE GOT OUT OF SCHOOL SO WE CAN HAVE A-
- Kyle: SHUT UP!!!
- [Cartman and Kyle started to argue, Token later joins in the fight, while Kenny watches]
- Token: YOU'RE THE ONE WHO STARTED SLACKING OFF!!!
- [While Cartman, Kyle, and Token are arguing, Stan is seen walking, trying to find another study group when he sees some books shake.]
- Stan: [quietly] Hello? [pages start coming out of the books] Whoa! Ohhh! Hey, there's pages comin' outta these books!
- People offscreen: SHHHHHH!!!!!
- [The pages fold themselves into Pagelings.]
- Stan: Who are you, guys?
- Pagelings: We are the Pagelings!
- Stan: Huh?
- Paper Pete: I am Paper Pete, the leader of the Pagelings. But you can call me P.P.
- Stan: I'll call you Pete.
- Paper Pete: Okay!
- Stan: Why are you dudes in the library?
- Paper Pete: We are the secret guardians of the books in the library. You know those blank pieces of paper in the beginning of old books?
- Stan: Yeah?
- Paper Pete: That's us! We revealed ourselves to you, noble giant, because you felt our plight when you saw the damaged books. And now is our darkest hour, for the Moldos have been growing more bold with every attack. Look at the damage done yesterday [pulls out a damaged book] at the Battle of Teddy Bear Joke Book.
- Stan: Wow! Yeah!
- Paper Pete: They're massing for a full-scale assault on every book in the library!
- [Cartman's house, night. The front door opens and in a walk of Stan and Kenny]
- Stan: Cartman? Hello?
- [there's debris all over the living room. The boys arrive at Cartman hanging from a candy-cane colored swing set with the swings removed. Beneath him is a tub of water. Cartman has it rigged so that he pulls a string, which releases him and at the same time triggers a sledgehammer, which hits a box, which is supposed to land in the tub with him.]
- Cartman: Ah, Stan, Kenny, you're just in time.
- Stan: [shocked] Oh no..
- Cartman: Oh yes! I am just about to flash back to the days of our Founding Fathers!
- Kenny: (That's a great idea!)
- Stan: Hold up. How are you supposed to have an flashback, when you're about to commit suicide?
- Cartman: I have programmed TiVo to record over fifty hours of the History channel. When TiVo is full, both TiVo and I will be dropped into the water, combining our electrowhatever fields and sending me into a flashback of history!
- Stan: Uh Cartman, I think that's a really bad idea.
- Cartman: Or a really sweet one. [a bell is heard]
- TV OH Your Tivo is full.
- Cartman: Whoa, here it goes! [triggers the sledgehammer as he falls. Both he and the TiVo land in the tub, and the house shorts out. Cartman is electrocuted as he lands in the water. Stan spend a few seconds in the darkness looking at Cartman, wondering if he'll come to. Kenny turns and walks away slowly]
- Stan: Cartman? [no response] Cartman? Oh crap.....
- [breaking the fourth wall during a performance of "I'm A Little Bit Country"]
- Randy: Well, goodnight everybody. It sure has been great bringing you a hundred episodes.
- Skeeter: We want to thank our guests, the pro-war people and the anti-war people.
- Token: What the hell are they doing now?
- Kyle: [face palm] Ah, I don't know.
- Everybody: For the war, against the war- who cares? One hundred episodes! [Randy and Skeeter dance on stage as they finish the song]
- Kyle: I hate this town. I really, really do.
- Jennifer Lopez: This is bullshit! How the fuck did I end up working at a La Taco?! I had six platinum records and starred in five Hollywood movies!
- Mexican Guy: Yeah, me too.
- Jennifer Lopez: Who the hell is this other Jennifer Lopez? Where does she come from?!
- Record Dude: Well, she lives in South Park, Colorado now, but I believe she originally from Mexico, just like you.
- Jennifer Lopez: I don't come from no Mexico! I'm Puerto Rican!
- Cartman: Mom!
- Liane: What is it, sweetie?
- Cartman: Ben Affleck is naked in my bed!
- Liane: Oooh, looks like the tooth fairy was extra happy with you!
- Cartman: Repeat after me, Jennifer Lopez.
- Cartman (as Jennifer Lopez): Hennifer Lopez.
- Cartman: No no, Jeh.
- Cartman (as Jennifer Lopez): Heh.
- Cartman (as Jennifer Lopez): You can suck my culo, chica!
- Cartman (as Jennifer Lopez): Hola, bichola!
- Cartman (as Jennifer Lopez): Ben! You bought me roses!
- Ben Affleck: Jenny, oh Jenny, I just can't stop thinking about you.
- Cartman (as Jennifer Lopez): I can't stop thinking about you either, Ben!
- Ben Affleck: I've been meaning to write a song or a poem, but I have no talent.
- Cartman (as Jennifer Lopez): I know, my darling, that's okay!
- Kyle: Dude, who the hell is Mitch Conner?
- Cartman: I don't know, Kyle, all right? Look, I don't care what you guys believe. But with all the crazy stuff that goes on in this town, isn't it possible, just possible, that something I don't understand happened here?
- Kyle: All right, I guess it's possible.
- Cartman: Ha ha ha! I got you, kind of! I got you, kind of!
Lil' Crime Stoppers [7.6]
- [the boys unsuccessfully tried to bust men at a meth lab; the men, trying to get away, accidentally kill themselves in a two car collision that hits and blows up an incoming car and sets all three drivers on fire; a lot of damage has been done, especially as one peddler attempts to get away in a plane, but immediately empties the gas, causing further chaos as it crashed into a post office nearby, blowing up the entire area and setting several more innocent people there on fire]
- Lt. Dawson: One UPS vehicle valued at twenty-five thousand dollars, one civilian vehicle valued at sixteen thousand dollars, the second floor of the post office and a coffee shop valued at sixteen thousand dollars! The mayor's going to have my ass!
- Stan: Uh, sir, we just kinda got blind-sided by the--
- Lt. Dawson: You got careless! Now, I don't know how they do things down at that dog-and-pony show they call the fourth grade, but here, we have rules! Jesus, we don't have guys to question now, because you killed them all!
- Kyle: We're sorry.
- Lt. Dawson: One more slip-up like that and I'll have your badges! You hear me?! Now hit the showers!
- [the boys are in the locker room, preparing to shower. Four guys, who appear to be cops themselves, are also changing their clothes]
- Officer Murphy: Well, well, well, if it isn't the super cops.
- [the officers begin to giggle]
- Officer Jenkins: Hey, Murphy, think they'll let me borrow their G.I. Joe's?
- Officer Hopkins: Come on, you guys. Leave them alone.
- Officer Murphy: Relax, Hopkins! [removes his briefs and drops them to the ground] All fun and games, right? [moves to the end of the lockers and hides behind it, only to peek out] So, tell us, rookies, you, uh, find yourself a little bonus in that house?
- Cartman: Uh, bonus?
- Officer Murphy: Come on, we all skim a little off the top. Oh, or are you too good for that? [walks back to the other officers] So you think you're going to waltz in here and clean up the system. Is that it?
- Stan: [softly] We just wanna be junior detectives.
- Officer Murphy: Look, we all work hard! And we deserve more than the thirty-thousand a year we get paid! So what if we take in a little on the side?
- Officer Jenkins: Yeah! Who the hell are you to say that?!
- Officer Hopkins: I said, back off, Murphy!
- Officer Murphy: Why don't you and your rookie friends make us?
- Officer Jenkins: That's right. Come on, bring it!
- Officer 3: Yeah, let's go! Come on, bring it!
- Lt. Dawson: What the heck is the problem here?!
- Officer Murphy: No problem, sir. No problem at all.
- Lt. Dawson: Then hit the showers, all of ya!
Red Man's Greed [7.7]
- Stan: You totally had it! You had enough to save the town and then some.
- Randy: Stan? Okay? You just don't understand the fine points of gambling. You're never supposed to stop when you're on a winning streak.
- Stan: A winning streak??!! You played one game!!!!
- Randy: Stan? Okay?
- Stan: What???
- Randy: All right? Stan? Okay?
- Stan: You people just got greedy, like the Native Americans!
- Randy:Hey, mister!! We're not like them, all right?! Now, we may have pie in the sky dreams once in a while, but we aren't the ones kicking people out of their homes! So don't you compare us to those cold-hearted, money-grubbing, evil stinky Indians! I'm sorry, Native Americans.
- Randy: Stanley, listen to me. I have SARS. There's only a 98% percent chance that I will live.
- Stan: No Dad, No!
- Randy: Listen Stan! SARS is destroying our people. The Native Americans put it in the blankets they gave us. Soon there will be only 98% of us left.
- Randy: The spirit of middle-class white people is strong in you, son.
- Randy: There's more to life than profits.
- Indian Chief: Really, Like what?
- Randy: You know, like Slurpees and stuff.
- Randy: Ah women. God I hate them.
- Cartman: Man, Indians have it good, huh?
- Randy: Now Eric, they're called Native Americans, remember? Show some respect.
- Indian Chief: Sorry, there are no minors allowed on the casino floor.
- Cartman: I'm not a miner, dumbass, do you see a shovel in my hand?
South Park Is Gay! [7.8]
- Cartman: Oh please, Craig, we're 10 times gayer than you are!
- Cartman: Look, guys. A lot of the kids in school are talking and they are spreading rumors that we're not metro-sexuals because we hang out with Kyle.
- Stan: Well what can we do about it?
- Cartman: We have no choice guys. We're just going to have to kill Kyle.
- Mr. Garrison: Eric, you're not half bi.
- Cartman: I'm like a quarter bi. My grandpa was bi so that makes me a quarter bi.
- Mr. Garrison: What?!
- Mr. Garrison: Mr. Tweek, why don't we go back to my place?
- Mr. Tweek: Why?
- Mr. Garrison: Well, you know. I was just thinking we could put on some music and watch videos and pound Mr. Slave's tight little ass.
- Mr. Slave: Ooh. Jesus Christ!
- Mr. Tweek: Whoa! Goodness no. I'm straight.
- Mr. Garrison: Straight? Jesus, what the heck is going on here?! Why won't anybody pound Mr. Slave's butt?
- Randy: Well, we don't 'pound butt', Mr. Garrison, we're straight.
- Mr. Garrison: Those pants and those shoes say you pound butt!
- Jimbo: Hey, now that's not true. My shoes don't say I pound butt.
- Mr. Garrison: No, your shoes say you take it in the butt!
- Mr. Garrison: Chef, what did you do when white people stole your culture?
- Chef: Oh, well, we black people just always tried to stay out in front of them.
- Mr. Slave: How did you do that?
- Chef: Well, like with our slang. Black people always used to say, "I'm in the house" instead of "I'm here." But then white people all started to say "in the house" so we switched it to "in the hizzouse." Hizzouse became hizzizzouse, and then white folk started saying that, and we had to change it to hizzle, then "in the hizzle" which we had to change to "hizzle fo shizzle," and now, because white people say "hizzle fo shizzle," we have to say "flippity floppity floop."
- Mr. Garrison: We don't have time for all that, Chef! Oh, if only those Queer Eye For the Straight Guy people understood what they were doing. Wait. That's it! I know exactly what to do! Come on, Mr. Slave! Let's get back to our flippity floppity floop.
- Chef: Oh no! Darn it! Don't call it that!
- All Crab People: Crab People! Crab People!
- Crab Person: Taste like crab, talk like people.
- All Crab People: Crab People! Crab People!
- Cartman, Stan, Kenny: We're here! We're not queer! But we're close! Get used to it!
Christian Rock Hard [7.9]
- Randy: Stan, are you okay?
- Stan: Yeah, Dad, we're just rehearsing our band.
- Randy: Oh. I thought a group of Vietnamese people were getting their intestines pulled out through their mouths. [closes door, Eric laughs sarcastically]
- Cartman: Token, how many times do we have to go through this? You're black, you can play bass.
- Token: I'm getting sick of your stereotypes.
- Cartman: Be as sick as you want, just gimme a god damn bass line.
- Token: [playing a flawless funky bass melody] God damn it.
- Gerald: The answer is no, Kyle.
- Kyle: Oh, come on, dad, stop being such a Jew!
- Sheila: Kyle! Don't belittle your own people.
- Butters: Oh, we're not really Christian! We're just pretending we are!
[the elderly woman customer walks away shocked, Cartman glares at Butters]
- Cartman: Butters, remind me later to cut your balls off.
- Sergeant Yates: Man must learn to think of these horrible outcomes before he acts selfishly or else--I fear--recording artists will be forever doomed to a life of only semi-luxury.
- Cartman: [singing]
- Don't ever leave me, Jesus. I couldn't stand to see you go
- My heart would simply snap, my Lord, if you walked on out that door
- I promise I'll be good to you, and keep you warm at night
- Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, why don't we just shut off the lights?
- Cartman: [singing]
- I want to get down on my knees and start pleasing Jesus
- I want to feel his salvation all over my face
- TV Reporter: When asked if MOOP's strike will stop them from illegally downloading music, 1% said "yes". 2% said "no". And, 97% said "Who the heck is MOOP?" Back to you, Tom.
- Kyle: We're not letting you back in our band, Cartman, fuck off!
- Cartman: I don't want to be in your crappy band, guys.
- Stan: You don't know anything about Christianity, Eric.
- Cartman: I know enough to exploit it.
- James Hetfield (of Metallica): We're going to protest until music downloading stops.
- Cartman: Goddammit! [throws his plaque onto the ground, shattering it; the myrrh album falls away]
- [Faith + 1's fans are stunned and they gasp]
- Michael Collins: Oh, please don't take the Lord's name in vain.
- Cartman: Who cares?! I can never win my bet because you stupid assholes don't give out platinum albums!
- Michael Collins: But you spread the Word of the Lord. You've brought faith in Jesus.
- Cartman: Oh, Fuck Jesus! [Faith + 1's fans gasp; a woman screams in disbelief]
- Butters: Eric, I'm pretty sure you shouldn't say the "F" word about Jesus.
- Token: Yeah, you're gonna hurt the band.
- Cartman: Who fucking cares, Token?! I can never beat Kyle now! I'll say it again: FUCK JESUS! [people start to scream and run away]
- Man: My ears are bleeding!
- Token: Good job, dickhead, you've lost the entire audience!
- Cartman: Oh, fuck you, Token, you black asshole!
- [Token angrily beats up Cartman and walks away while Stan, Kyle, and Kenny see Cartman coughing in pain]
- Stan: Hmm, guess he got what he deserved. [he, Kyle, & Kenny walk away]
- Butters: [pauses for a moment, then farts in Cartman's face and gives him the finger] Fuck you, Eric. [walks away, leaving Cartman all alone on his knees, face down while he tries to recover from his pain and humiliation]
- [the episode ends]
- [end credits]
Grey Dawn [7.10]
- Cartman: [yawns] Oh God, memorial services are sooo boring.
- Kyle: [jabs Cartman and says in hushed tones] Dude, don't you get it? Nine people died after they got run over'd! That means we're free!
- Cartman: Yeah, but like, eight of them were hippies. Mostly hippies go to farmer's markets. Mostly.
- Father Maxi: It is sometimes hard, in times like these, to understand God's way. Why would he allow nine innocent people to be run down in the prime of their lives by a senior citizen who, perhaps, shouldn't be driving? It is then that we must understand, God's sense of humor is very different from our own. He does not laugh at the simple "man walks into a bar" joke. No, God needs complex irony and subtle farcical twists that seem macabre to you and me. All that we can hope for is that God got his good laugh and a tragedy such as this will never happen again.
- Stan: I think old people should have rights, grandpa. I just don't want to die.
- Randy: Oh, brother. Good job, Dad. Look at you now.
- Grandpa Marsh: Oh, god damn it! Don't you lecture me, you son of a bitch!
- Randy: You just had to be so damn stubborn, didn't you?
- Grandpa Marsh: Now my son is going to talk to me like I'm 12!
- Randy: We're not treating you like children, Dad, alright. Now I think you owe Mr. Police Officer an apology. Who needs to apologize, hmm? Who's a sorry sorry?
- Grandpa Marsh: Kiss my sagging ass!
- Cartman: The poor kid passes it to the Jew, the Jew shoots. Oh, and the shot is blocked again, proving once and for all that Jews cannot play hockey!
- Kyle: It's not fair! Cartman's fatter than the goal!
- Cartman: I'm not fat, I just have a sweet hockey body.
- Stan: Dad, why is everyone letting the old people do this? Why doesn't somebody stop them?
- Randy: They've tried to stop them, son, but the seniors get up so early in the morning they...get everything done before everyone else is even awake.
- Kyle: They're saying something about taking over the whole country!
- Randy: Yes... And now seeing how early they get up, I don't see how anyone can stop them. Wait a minute! You boys! You get up almost as early as they do. You can fight them.
- Stan: No, come on dad! Can't you guys do it?
- Randy: No, son, we...like to sleep in.
- Randy: Son! Avenge me! Avenge... meh!
Casa Bonita [7.11]
- Kyle: You guys! I have awesome news!
- Cartman: You have AIDS?
- Kyle: It's like the Disneyland of Mexican restaurants!
- Cartman: This Saturday awesome!
- Kyle: Who said I'm inviting you?
- Cartman: Your mom said you are taking 3 friends.
- Kyle: Yes. 3 Friends. You're not my friend.
- Cartman: Come on Kyle who are you going to invite besides Stan and Kenny?
- Kyle: I'm going to take Butters. He invited me to his Birthday last month so I owe him one.
- Cartman: Butters?!! You're going to take that butthole? Why?
- Kyle: Because Butters have never been a total dick to me!
- Cartman: I have never been a dick to you!
- Kyle: Oh please! All you ever do is call me names and rip on me for being Jewish!
- Cartman: Kyle, when is the last time I rip on you for being a Jew? [flashback clips occur from when Cartman rips on Kyle for being Jewish on other past episodes] ...OK, expect maybe for that one time.
- Kyle: You've always been a dick to me Cartman, and I'm not inviting you.
- Cartman: Kyle, You don't understand. Casa Bonita is my most favorite place in the whole world. I'll just-I'll Just die if you don't take me, please!
- Kyle: Sorry, my mind is made up.
- Cartman: [exploding and flipping Kyle off] WELL FUCK YOU, KYLE! I DON'T WANT TO GO TO YOUR FAGGY BIRTHDAY PARTY ANYWAY! I'D RATHER HANG OUT AT HOME THAN HAVE TO BE WITH YOU AND YOUR JEW MOM ALL DAY! KISS MY BALLS, ASSHOLE!
- [Cartman leaves but returns moments later]
- Cartman: Dude, I totally didn't mean that, Kyle. I really, really wanna go to Casa Bonita. I'm sorry we had that fight just now. I mean, I said some things, you said some things, but I think it was good, and we've moved past it.
- Kyle: I'm not inviting you to Casa Bonita.
- Cartman: [exploding and flipping Kyle off again] WELL FUCK YOU, KYLE! I HOPE YOU DIE! I HOPE YOU FUCKING DIE!!!
- [Cartman leaves and this time, he doesn't return]
- [Cartman comes to Kyle's house dressed in a nice sweater]
- Cartman: Hi, Kyle.
- Kyle: That isn't it, Cartman.
- Cartman: What isn't it?
- Kyle: That isn't being nice, that's just putting on a nice sweater.
- Cartman: I don't understand the difference.
- Kyle: I know you don't. [closes the door]
- Cartman: Take that Jimmy and that! DON'T YOU DARE TALK BAD ABOUT KYLE AGAIN! KYLE'S MY FRIEND AND IF YOU SAID IF YOU HAVE SEX WITH KYLE'S MOM I WILL LET YOU REALLY HAVE IT! DID YOU HEAR ME?!! Oh. Hey, Kyle.
- Kyle: Do you really think beating up handicap kids is being nice?
- Cartman: Hey Kyle! Knock knock, Kyle! Knock knock!
- Kyle: Yeah Casa Bonita this Saturday!
- Butters: Wow, that's going to be so great!
- Stan: Yeah. Just the four of us.
- Kenny: Yeah!
- Cartman: Hey, Kyle.
- Kyle: Well.
- Cartman: Well, what?
- Kyle: How are you going to get invited to Casa Bonita this time?
- Cartman: I'm not Kyle. I already know you told Butters he can go.
- Kyle: Oh. Well, I did.
- Cartman: So fine, Kyle, but honestly I never meant to treat you as you don't matter at all to me. I know we argue all the time and I give you tons of crap but we also have been through a lot together. Maybe that alone doesn't makes us friends but it makes us something. So fine, Kyle, I hope things will be cool.
- Kyle: I'm still not inviting you to Casa Bonita.
- Cartman: I know, Kyle. I'll see you later.
- Kyle: Hey, Cartman? You really sure you don't care if you can't go?
- Cartman: I care sure but I hope it doesn't mean you, me, Stan and Kenny can't hang out anymore.
- Kyle: That's what I wanted to hear from all along. I still have to take Butters but I hope things can be cool to.
- Cartman: Sure.
- Kyle: Hey, if for some reason Butters is unable to go you can take his place.
- Cartman: Sweet whatever! [Walking away from Kyle] Bingo!
- Kyle: Where is Butters? We are supposed to leave 40 minutes ago.
- Sheila: Well, I think we should be going without him Kyle because it's getting late.
- Kyle: Yeah screw him let's go.
- [Doorbell ringing]
- Kyle: Oh, finally!
- Cartman: Happy Birthday, Kyle. I just came to stop here to you your present.
- Kyle: Oh. Thanks dude!
- Cartman: Hope you have a good one, I'll see you later.
- Kyle: Oh wait, Cartman.
- [Cartman stops]
- Cartman: Yes?
- Kyle: Butters didn't show. You want to go to Casa Bonita with us?
- Cartman: Butters didn't show? I can't believe it. Are you sure you told him the right time and everything?
- Kyle: I told him 5:30 and he we got to get going. Are you in?
- Cartman: Well I should be going home to get my no I have everything I need lets go.
- Kyle: Alright let's go.
- Sheila: Okay, boys, get in the car.
- Cartman: Casa Bonita, here we come.
- Sheila: Oh Hello, Mr. Stotch.
- Stephen: Hello, everyone. Have any of you seen our son?
- Kyle: Butters is supposed to go with us to Casa Bonita Tonight.
- Stephen: We know but he hasn't been home since last Night. The police been looking everywhere but well thank you. Please let us know if you find out with anything.
- Kyle: Dude weak.
- Cartman: Yeah, man That sucks about Butters. Well, let's get going, shall we.
- Kyle: Nah. Dude, I can't go to a birthday party while Butters is missing.
- Stan: Yeah, it's kind of weird.
- Cartman: Yeah, Yeah. I think you're right but on the other hand I think Butters would want us to go. You know Butters.
- Kyle: Nah, I can't. We should help look for him.
- Stan: Yeah.
- Sheila: That's very good of you boys. We can postpone Casa Bonita till next Saturday.
- Cartman: Next Saturday?!! I'll never be able to keep Butters down in the depts of my heart for that long. I sure he shows up he turns up before then.
- Stan: Dude we should check over at Stark's pond Butters always hangs out there.
- Kyle: Yeah and we should try the football field.
- Sheila: I'll drive you boys.
- Cartman: OH God damn it. I'm going to try to keep Butters down in that Bomb Shelter for a whole week.
- Butters: But Eric, how am I supposed to re-populate the Earth?
- Cartman: You know like, with your wiener.
- Butters: With my wiener?!
- Stan: Dude, it's Kyle's birthday, we should do whatever he wants to do.
- Cartman: What? Fuck Kyle! Ha! Ha! Just kidding. Birthday joke. Of course we do whatever Kyle wants. Happy birthday Kyle.
- Sheila: Wait up, Eric, we need to stay together. (her phone rings) Oh, hold on boys, that's my cell phone. (takes it out of her purse and answers it) Hello? Yes. Oh, that's great! (to the boys) Boys, they found Butters! (Cartman starts to panic) He's okay!
- Kyle: Oh, awesome!
- Stan: I knew he'd turn up.
- Sheila: ...yes, Eric Cartman is with us. Why? (she starts to get furious) Oh, really.
- Kyle: What?
- Sheila: Yes, I will certainly let him know! Thank you! (hangs up) Well, it appears that Eric here is responsible for Butters missing, because HE wanted to go to Casa Bonita.
- Kyle: What?!
- Sheila: Eric, the South Park Police are already on their way here to have a little talk with you!
- Cartman: But... Casa Bonita!
- Kyle: I should have known better! You never cared about my birthday at all!
- Cartman: But I... (turns back and holds Kyle) Stand back!
- Stan: Cartman, you don't have to do this.
- Cartman: I am going to Casa Bonita! (the boys hear police sirens)
- Kyle: It's too late, fatass, They'll be here in less than a minute!
- Cartman: Ah...nyah! (throws Kyle and runs inside Casa Bonita in a state of panic) Less than a minute! Less than a minute!
- Kyle: Cartman!
- Police Officer: Well, kid, you made an entire town panic, you lost all of your friends and now you're going to Juvenile Hall for a week! Was it all worth it?
- Cartman: ...Totally.
All About the Mormons? [7.12]
- Mr. Garrison: Wow, it seems like I don't have a class full of retards anymore, doesn't it, children?
- Kyle: Dude, that new kid is such a douche.
- Cartman: Yeah, somebody needs to put him in his place.
- Butters: He's a pecker-face, that's what he is.
- Cartman: Go kick his ass, Stan!
- Clyde: Yeah, go kick his ass.
- Stan: [unsure] W-—maybe he won't fight.
- Cartman: Will he bleed? That's all we care about.
- Kyle: Come on, dude, somebody needs to wipe that buckskin smirk off his face.
- Craig: Yeah, little bitch!
- Stan: Alright, I'm going to go kick his leg. [leaves to do so]
- Cartman: Yeah, go Stan! Go Stan! ...alright, I've got five bucks on the other kid, who wants in?
- Cartman: You were supposed to kick his ass, not lick his butt hole!
- Gary's sister: And you must be Stan's sister! Oh, I think your brother's the greatest!
- Shelley: My brother is a stupid turd!
- Gary: Hey, Stan.
- Stan: Oh, brother.
- Cartman: Uh oh, the jilted lover returns!
- Gary: Listen, I just wanted to let you know you don't have to worry about me trying to be your friend anymore.
- Stan: ...I don't?
- Gary: Look, maybe us Mormons do believe in crazy stories that make absolutely no sense. And maybe Joseph Smith did make it all up. But I have a great life and a great family and I have the Book of Mormon to thank for that. The truth is, I don't care if Joseph Smith made it all up. Because what the church teaches now is loving your family, being nice and helping people. And even though people in this town might think that's stupid, I still choose to believe in it. All I ever did was try to be your friend, Stan, but you're so high and mighty you couldn't look past my religion and just be my friend back. You got a lot of growing up to do, buddy. Suck my balls.
- [Gary leaves. Stan just stands and stares in shock at what just happened]
- Cartman: Darn, that kid is cool, huh?
- Randy: Let me handle this, Sharon. You got to put these cult people in their place or else they never stop! I'm going to go kick this Mr. Harrison's leg! [exits and slams the door shut, but quickly returns] Is Mr. Harrison...is a...is a white guy, right?
Butt Out [7.13]
- South Park Elementary. Kids are made to watch a ridiculous dance number in auditorium
- Dance Number: Butt out, come on, give that cigarette butt a throw!...And remember kids, if you don't smoke, you can grow up to be just like us!
- [Stan and the others are seen fervently smoking in the next scene]
- Cartman: Oh, shit! Here comes Mr. Mackey.
- [The boys throw their still-lit cigarettes into a nearby dumpster, then manage to stop coughing]
- [A fire has started in the dumpster; Mr. Mackey is unaware of this]
- Mr. Mackey: Uh, smoking's bad, m'kay? If you start smoking at an early age, it's gonna be bad, m'kay? [The fire quickly spreads across the whole school; Mr. Mackey remains unaware] Smoking can lead to all kinds of health problems like cancer. M'kay, let me tell you something about cancer. Uh, cancer's bad, m'kay, and, uh--[realizes that the school is burning] What? What the? HOLY SHIT!! M'kay?
- Cartman: He just goes around imposing his will on people, he's my idol.
- Cartman: Handle it? For two billion dollars I'd handle my grandpa's balls, dude.
- Cartman: Wow, it's like smoking brings a lot of people just a little bit of joy, and you get to take that away from them! You're awesome.
- Factory Worker 1: [singing] I like to have a cigarette every now and then. It makes me feel calmer when the day is at an end.
- Factory Worker 2: [singing] And if it gives me cancer when I'm 80, I don't care. Who the heck wants to be 90 anyway?
- Rob Reiner: I'm not Rita Poon, I'm Rob Reiner. And you've just been Reiner'd!
- Cartman: I don't idolize you anymore, asshole! [grabs the fork and stabs on Rob Reiner's belly]
- Rob Reiner: My goo! My precious goo!
Raisins [7.14]
- Bebe: Wendy breaks up.
- Stan: What?
- Bebe: Wendy breaks up with you.
- Stan: Whoa, whoa, wait a minute! What did I do wrong? I haven't even talked to Wendy for weeks!
- Bebe: Whatever! You guys are holes!
- Butters: At least we have holes, you dumb girl!
- Jimmy: Hey uh-Wen, hey wu-Wendy.
- Wendy: Yeah?
- Jimmy: Stan says you're a cont... you're a, cont... Stan says you're a... cont, cont [sounding like cunt]
- Wendy: Well tell Stan to fuck off! [leaves]
- Jimmy: Cont...continuing source of inspiration to him.
- Butters: Well, thanks for offering to let me in your clique, guys, but, to be honest, I'd rather be a crying little pussy than a faggy Goth kid.
- Goth Kid: You can't be a nonconformist if you don't drink coffee.
- Goth Kid: If you want to be one of the nonconformists, all you have to do is dress just like us and listen to the same music we do.
- Butters: I love life...Yeah, I'm sad, but at the same time, I'm really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It's like...It makes me feel alive, you know. It makes me feel human. The only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt something really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good. So I guess what I'm feeling is like a beautiful sadness.
- Stan: Hey, Wendy! You're a bitch. Token, [flips him off] right here, buddy.
- [Token and Wendy walk off angrily]
- Kyle: Oh, dude. It's good to have you back.
- Stan: Yeah, let's play ball.
It's Christmas in Canada [7.15]
- Harry Gints: My name is Harry Gints and this is my wife Elise. We're from Canada.
- Gerald Broflovski: Yes, I can tell.
- Harry Gints: It was a tough time for us. It was a tough time for all of Canada. The whole country was devastated by the cola wars...
- Harry Gints: [referring to Ike] We're going to take good care of him.
- Kyle: [coldly] You'd better.
- Cartman: Kyle, I just want you to know, if it were any other time of year, I still wouldn't help you.
- Mr. Garrison: How 'bout we get rid of all the Mexicans.
- Mayor McDaniels: Mr. Garrison, every Christmas you suggest we get rid of all the Mexicans, and every Christmas we tell you, "No!"
- Mr. Garrison: Rats!
- Cartman: [to Kyle] YOU F**KING ASSHOLE! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!
- Kyle: What?
- Cartman: Everyone's gonna be charitable, and give money to your family instead of buying Christmas presents! YOU F**KING JEWS RUIN CHRISTMAS AGAIN! [screams and charges Kyle. Stan and Kenny rush forward and pull him back]
- Stan: Whoa, whoa, Cartman!
- Cartman: It wasn't enough for you people to kill Jesus, now you have to kill Christmas too, huh!?
- City Wok. Mr. Tuong is sitting in an empty restaurant
- Mr. Tuong{talking to himself}: Stupid Christmas. No one eat Chinese food.
- Phone rings
- Mr. Tuong: Oh boy, some business! Picks up phone Hello, Shitty Wok, wanna try our shitty pork?
- Broflovski residence. Kyle called
- Kyle: Sorry, I must have called the wrong number. I was looking for City Airlines.
- Mr. Tuong: Oh right. One moment please. I will put you through.
- Mr. Tuong puts on pilot's cap and flips over sign. City Wok now reads City Airlines
- Mr. Tuong: Herro, Shitty Airlines!
- Kyle: We need to go to Canada. As soon as possible.
- Mr. Tuong: Ooh, Canada. Okay. That's pretty far. Gonna cost a Lotta money. Let's see. How many people?
- Kyle: Four.
- Mr. Tuong: Okay. [under his breath] Four people...Canada...cost a Lotta money... [normal] It's gonna be about, uh, 6,500 dollars!
- Kyle: How 'bout 50 dollars?
- Mr. Tuong: Fifty dollars?! You fry to Canada! Cost at least three thousand dollars!
- Kyle: 55 dollars.
- Mr. Tuong: Hey stop wasting my time with fifty five dollars. No way I take my plane to Canada for ress than 1,000 dollars!
- Kyle: Okay. 60 dollars.
- Mr. Tuong: 62 dollars.
- Kyle: Okay.
- Mr. Tuong: Okay, meet me Park County Airfield, Yellow Sesnut, Tair Number 432-G.
- Kyle: Got it. [Both hang up phone]
- Mr. Tuong: [slight pause] He he he. Never try to barter with a Chinese man!
- Mr. Twong: Hello, welcome Shitty Airline!
- Cartman: Oh no, no, no, no, I am not flying in that thing.
- Kenny: Me neither.
- Kyle: Why not?!
- Kenny: 'Cause, dude, I'll fucking die!
- Kyle: You're not gonna die, Kenny, don't be stupid!
- Cartman: You guys get Ike. Kenny and I will stay here and watch the fort.
- Stan: No, you're both coming. Do you care about Christmas or not?
- Cartman: Of course I care about Christmas! Oh, Christ on a stick!
- Kyle: All right! We're going to Canada!
- Cartman: Weak.
- Mr. Twong: Herro from the cockpit, this is your captain speaking. As you can see, it appears that we are going down. Now would be a good time to reflect on your life, and pray to whatever deity you believe in. Thank you for frying Shitty Airlines. We know you have a choice in airlines, and it looks like you made the wrong one.
- Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie: Alright boys, prepare yourselves. We're about to enter French Canada.
- Kyle: French Canada?
- French Canadians: [singing] There's no Canada like French Canada, its the best Canada in the land! The other Canada is hardly Canada; if you lived here for a day, you'd understand!
- Mime: Oh, ha ha! Welcome to French Canada!
- Hockey Player: We have everything your heart could desire! Trapezes, trampolines, and lots and lots of cheese!
- Artist: Would you like a mustache?
- Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie: Just stay calm, boys. French Canadians are a little odd.
- Stan: Uh, we're just passing through to see the new Prime Minister.
- Mime: Well first, you must answer that phone. [miming a phone call] Ring ring, ring ring.
- Kyle: We don't have time for this.
- Mime: You cannot pass through French Canada unless you take that phone call! [miming a phone call] Ring ring, ring ring.
- Kyle: [grudgingly playing along] Hello.
- Mime: Hello! If you are going to see the new Prime Minister, then I want to go with you! He has passed a new law forbidding us French Canadians to drink wine!
- Artist: How can the French not drink wine?! Travestie!
- Kyle: Okay, you can come with us.
- Mime: Ha ha, very good! Let us make haste!
- French Canadians: [singing] There's no Canada like French Canada, its the best Canada in the land! And the other Canada--
- Mime: --is a bull shoot Canada!
- French Canadians: [singing] If you lived there for a day, you'd understand!
- Mime: I think you'd understand. You understand.
- [Scott appears suddenly]
- Scott: Hey, what are you doing?!
- Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie: Argh!
- Mime: Oh no! It's Scott!
- Scott: What are you two doing helping these Americans? Don't you know America thinks it owns Canada along with the rest of the world?!
- Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie: You're a dick, Scott!
- Kyle: God dammit, we need to get to the new Prime Minister, now!
- Steve the Newfoundlander: Oh yeah, the new Prime Minister, eh? He sure has screwed up things for Newfoundland. Life just hasn't been the same since he made sodomy illegal.
- Kyle: Can we just get going please?
- Steve the Newfoundlander: Yeah sure, there's just one problem.
- Stan: What?
- Steve the Newfoundlander: You folks are going the wrong way.
- Stan: What?! But I thought there was only one road in Canada!
- Steve the Newfoundlander: Yeah, and you all went the wrong direction on it.
- Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie: Oh, that's right! Ottawa is that way!
- Mime: Of course! Ottawa left, Newfoundland right!
- Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie: It's okay, boys. The power is inside us to get to Ottawa! We can wish ourselves there!
- Mime: Ah yes! Let's wish ourselves there!
- [harps and angelic choir music is heard]
- Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie: Is it working?
- Steve the Newfoundlander: Of course, we could always take me boat, aye.
- Saddam Hussein: [acting as the Prime Minister of Canada] Uh, don't mind that guy hiding in the spider hole, he's just my friend.
- Saddam Hussein: Uh, don't shoot! I want to negotiate! Hey, relax!
- [Cartman's watch goes off]
- Stan: What is that?
- Cartman: It's Christmas. We officially missed it. It's Christmas day and...I'm in Canada.
- Kyle: Well yeah, but I-I got my brother back!
- Cartman: Yeah, you got your brother back, but I didn't get any presents! And what did I tell you, Kyle? [takes off his mittens] I told you if we didn't make it back in time for Christmas I was going to whoop your ass, didn't I? [takes off his coat, bunches it up, and throws it aside]
- Kyle: Dude, come on.
- Cartman: Well, now you're going to get it, motherf**ker! That's right, you and me, right now; we're having it out! Let's go! Come on! Come on!
- Kyle: [Softly] Uh, Okay.....
- [Kyle lightly slaps Cartman, causing him to enter a daze; he snaps out of it and wails uncontrollably]
- Cartman: Waaaaaahhhh! Waaaaaaahh! Mooooom! Mooooom!
- Rick, the Proud Mountie: Hey, come on boys! You can spend Christmas with us, Canada style!
Season 8
South Park: Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 | Bigger, Longer & Uncut | Specials: The Streaming Wars, Joining the Panderverse, (Not Suitable for Children), The End of Obesity
South Park (1997-present) is an adult animated television series created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado.
Good Times with Weapons [8.1]
- Cartman: Parents? Parents? [begins a fake sob] OH GOD! [sobs loudly and turns away]
- Cartman: You see, guys? This is why Jews can't be ninjas. They've got no spine.
- Kyle: You don't know anything about Jews, fat ass!
- [After Stan's attempt to remove the ninja star]
- Kyle: Stop, dude! You're going to scramble his brain!
- Cartman: Go ahead and scramble it, then he won't remember it was us.
- [Butters changes into Professor Chaos]
- Butters: Let's see how you like dealing with me, Ninjas! [laughs evilly]
- [he stomps down the stairs while grunting and punches the wall, leaving a huge dent]
- Mrs. Stotch: Ooh, Butters. Are you going out to play again?
- Butters: Yeah, Mom. I'm just going outside for a little while.
- Mrs. Stotch: Well could you be a sweetie and take that pie over there to the Thompsons? I made it to thank them for babysitting you last week.
- Butters: [normal voice] Oh, o-o-okay, Mom.
- Jimmy: What-what's the matter, fellas? Are you ninjas or p-p-p-p-p-pussies?
- Cartman: We're twice the ninjas you fags are!
- Kyle: We were taking him to the vet until you fracked it all up! Butters!
- Craig: Was he bleeding?
- Cartman: [uninterested] Yeah, a little. Butters!
- Craig: Oh, shit. You guys are in trouble. We're out of here!
- Stan: No, dude! You got to help us find him!
- Craig: To hell with that!
- Cartman: We're in this together, Craig! If Butters tells on us, we're going to tell on you; that's the ninja code!
- Animal Shelter Worker: Here you go pup, I've got a sweet dose of murder for ya. [notices the open kennel] What the--? Blast it, he's escaped! [sighs, moves towards another dog] Oh, well, let's murder one of these other dogs.
- Chef: Well, you children should be careful with those weapons, you could put somebody's eye out.
- Kyle: Yeah, we know.
- Kyle: Okay, hang on, guys, I'll use my special power to see into the future, and find out where we should head next.
- Cartman: Hold on you guys, I actually have another power. I can see into the future too, but even better. Let me try.
- Kyle: What? No, Cartman! You're supposed to play be the rules.
- Stan: Yeah, dude, that's like the fifth power you've come up with. I mean, no one does that!
- Cartman: I am Bullrog, and I have lots and lots of powers.
- Kyle: No, dude! From now on you only get to have one power. So... what is it?!
- Cartman: I have the power to have all the powers I want.
- Kyle: That doesn't count, Cartman! It doesn't even count once in a lifetime!
- Stan: Yeah. From now on, you don't get to have any powers, unless you play be the rules.
- [Cartman whines]
- Cartman: Alright, dickhole, time for you to pay! [realizes his powers don't work] Oh, no, I have no powers! Kyle took them away from me! Quick, Kyle, give me back my powers so I can fight this evil villain!
- Kyle: Okay, okay, you can have your powers back!
- Cartman: Alright, now I use my powers to...turn Kyle into a chicken! Blam!
- Kyle: [is turned into a chicken] Goddamn it, Cartman!
- Cartman: [sing-song voice] Ha ha ha ha ha-ha, now you are a chi-cken, nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh-nyeh.
- Butters: Enough! I grow weary of your foolishness. Professor Chaos cannot be stopped.
- Stan: Oh, yeah? Kenny, use your ninja star!
- Kenny: [muffled] Yeah! Try this, Professor Chaos! (gets out a shuriken) Feel my wrath! [throws shuriken at Butters, hitting him in the eyeball...]
- [...as the animation style changes back and Butters realizes his injury]
- Butters: [Wailing cry]
- Cartman: Oh, shit, dude!
- Stan: Butters! Oh, my God!
- [Butters continues screaming]
- Stan: Oh, dude, it's stuck in his eye!
- Kyle: What the hell did you do that for, Kenny?!
- Kenny: [muffled] I just threw my ninja star at him.
- Butters: IT HURTS!! IT HURTS!!
- ["Let's Fighting Love" plays while boys are fighting.]
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AWESOM-O [8.2]
- Kyle: Hey AWESOM-O, I'd also like some celery sticks chopped up two inches long, with peanut butter and raisins on top.
- Cartman: [as AWESOM-O] Suck my balls, Kyle.
- Liane: [talking to Mrs. Stotch on the phone] Actually, Eric is still supposed to be grounded for trying to exterminate the Jews two weeks ago.
- Cartman: [as AWESOM-O talking to a movie executive] Adam Sandler is a guy, and he, uh, falls in love with a girl, but it turns out that she's a golden retriever.
- Movie Executive It's great! We'll call it Puppy Love! Any more?
- AWESOM-O Uh, Adam Sandler is a guy who falls in love with a table.
- Movie Executive Genius! We'll call it Table of Contents. God is there anything that this thing can't do?
- AWESOM-O: Movie idea number 2305. Adam Sandler is trapped on an island and he falls in love with a coconut.
- Military General: Mister Scientist! You are paid to think! National security is our job.
- Butters: When Cartman is playing all alone in his backyard, he likes to dress up as Britney Spears and pretend he's her. He sings and dances with a life size cut-out of Justin Timberlake.
- Cartman: [as AWESOM-O] ...You saw that?
- Butters: Yeah, and I videotaped him doing it!
- Cartman: [as AWESOM-O] No way.
- Butters: I got the whole thing on tape; even the making out with Justin Timberlake.
- Cartman: [as AWESOM-O] Nuh-uh...
Up the Down Steroid [8.3]
- [Cartman's just revealed his plan to pretend he's retarded to win the Special Olympics]
- Stan: Thats really, really, terrible dude!
- Cartman: Terrible?! Whatever. You guys just don't have brains that can compute complex plans like mine!
- Jimmy's Father: I'll leave you two alone. And Jimmy, are you sure you weren't masturbating? Its okay if you were.
- Jimmy: Dad! Jesus Christ!
- Cartman: [pretending he's retarded] Derrrr...derrrr...hey guys what's going on, derrrrrr?
- [long pause]
- Kyle: God damn you.
- [Jimmy and Timmy have just asked the boys to come cheer for them at the special Olympics; Cartman is reading a brochure Jimmy gave them]
- Cartman: Dude. I can't believe they exploit handicapped people like this. I mean, making them compete against each other just for our amusement.
- Kyle: ...You're an asshole, Cartman.
- Cartman: [looking confused] What? What did I do?
The Passion of the Jew [8.4]
- Kyle: God damn it Cartman, you're not gonna kill me off again!
- Cartman: Agh! You see guys, this is why you don't bring Jews along on the away team: they don't play along!
- Kyle: Shut up about Jews, fatass! You don't know anything!
- Kyle: People don't hate the Jews!
- Cartman: Really? Three hundred million domestic box-office, Kyle. The top-grossing film of all time, Kyle. Those numbers don't lie. If you're not scared of The Passion, then go see it. Go see it and tell me I'm wrong. Mel Gibson, Kyle. Mel Gibson.
- Stan: We want our money back.
- Ticket Guy: Huh?
- Stan: That movie sucked ass. We want our money back.
- Ticket Guy: I can't refund your money. You sat through the whole movie.
- Stan: That wasn't a movie! It was a snuff film! You should not charge people to watch a guy getting tortured for two hours!
- Ticket Guy: That "guy" happens to be Jesus. And he went through all of that to pay for your sins!
- Stan: We go to church to learn that stuff! We go to movies to be entertained! We weren't entertained so we want our money back!
- Ticket Guy: I'm not allowed to give your money back after you sat through the whole movie! You'd have to take your complaints up with the film's producer's.
- Stan: What, Mel Gibson? You're saying we should get our money back from Mel Gibson?
- Ticket Guy: Yeah, I'd like to see you try.
- Stan: Oh, we will! This is America. And in America, if something sucks, you're supposed to be able to get your money back! Come on, Kenny!
- [Kenny and Stan are trying to get their money back from seeing the Passion]
- Stan: [searching the Internet] OK, search "Mel Gibson". Mel Gibson bio, Mel Gibson news, Mel Gibson homepage! Here we go: "Welcome to 'Mel Gibson's The Passion. com! Your source for everything Mel". Pictures, philosophy, upcoming projects...darn it! No phone number! Oh wait! "For more information call our webmaster at 1800-4308" [Stan calls the number. It's Cartman's phone, which he answers]
- Cartman: Mel Gibson's The Passion Fan club.
- Stan: Hi, my friend and I just went to see The Passion.
- Cartman: Uh-huh, so you want to join the fan club now? Our first meeting is tomorrow at 5.30pm...
- Stan: No, no, no, we want our money back.
- Cartman: What?
- Stan: We thought the movie sucked and we want Mel Gibson to give us back our $18. Do you know how we can get in touch with him?
- Cartman: You thought it sucked? Sir, apparently you don't understand what Mel Gibson was trying to do; he was trying to express, through cinema, the horror and filthiness of the common Jew. It has made people the world over open their eyes.
- Stan: Look kid, we just thought it was a bad movie, so just tell us how we can get in touch with Mel Gibson and get our money back.
- Cartman: If I knew where Mel Gibson was, I'd be down on the floor licking his balls at this very moment, sir. All I know is he lives somewhere in Malibu, now stop wasting me and Mel Gibson's time, you little wussy prick.
- Stan: [furious] Hey don't take that tone with me kid, I'll kick your ass!
- Cartman: Yeah, I'd like to see you try asshole, I'm like six feet tall!
- Stan: I don't care, you sound like a little bitch to me!
- Cartman: Bitch? Don't call me bitch, I'll pop your ducking head open!
- Stan: Yeah, you want to bring it, you little pussy?
- Cartman: I already brought it bitch! I brought it, set it down on the table and opened it, bitch!
- Stan: [realizing] Wait a minute. Cartman? [Cartman hangs up]
- Stan: C'mon, Kenny, we're going to Malibu. We'll take the bus. Look. This isn't about the eighteen dollar ticket money anymore. This is about holding bad filmmakers responsible. It is just like when we got our money back fore baseketball.
- [Kenny and Stan arrive Mel Gibson's home]
- Mel Gibson: Yes?
- Stan: Oh, hi. My name is Stan and this is Kenny. Um, we saw your movie The Passion and we didn't like it, so can we have our money back, please?
- Mel Gibson: You can't not like The Passion. I just followed the Bible. Christ died for you. Go home.
- Stan: Look, dude, we came a long way. We're not leaving until you give us our money.
- Mel Gibson: Oh yeah? Well you're going to have to find it first! But I won't tell you where I keep my money. You can torture me all you want but I still won't tell you.
- Stan: Torture you?
- Mel Gibson: Ha, so you DO intend to torture me, huh?!! Well go ahead! Do you worst. You still won't get your taken money back.
- Stan: Well, with these bus tickets, it looks like we spent about $87 getting our money back from Mel Gibson, but I think it's the principle that matters.
- Kenny: Yeah, I agree.
- [Truck horn honking]
- Stan: Oh, you've got to be shitting me...
- Mel Gibson: Give me back my money!
- Cartman: Töten Sie die Juden! Wir können nicht stillstehen bis sie alle tot sind! [Kill all the Jews! We cannot stand still 'till all are dead!] Okay, I'm ready. I'm ready to do thy bidding, Mel Gibson.
- Cartman: Okay, now when I say "Es ist Zeit für Rache!" you respond "Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!"
- Woman: What does that mean?
- Man: Oh, I think it's Aramaic, just like in the movie!
- Cartman: Es ist Zeit für Rache! [It's time for revenge!]
- Crowd: Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten! [We must exterminate the Jews!]
- Woman: Oh, this is fun!
- Cartman: Aw, aw, no, come on, people, we're so close to completing my final solution!
- Kyle: I feel way better about being a Jew now that I know Mel Gibson is just a big wacko douche.
- Rabbi: And now, one of our fine young shlokas, Kyle Broflovski, has asked if he could speak to the congregation.
- Kyle: Thank you, Rabbi. In 1973, the United States officially issued an apology to the African-American community for slavery. In 1956, Germany officially apologized for World War II AND the Holocaust. And now, I believe, in 2004, the Jewish community needs to apologize for the death of Jesus. [the others are outraged]
You Got F'd in the A [8.5]
- Sharon Marsh: Well, Randy, that was some great advice you gave our son yesterday.
- Randy Marsh: What?
- Sharon Marsh: Those kids showed up to serve Stan again, and he danced back.
- Randy Marsh: Well, what happened?
- Sharon Marsh: It's on.
- Hick: You do a line and I'll do a line honey. You do a line and I'll do a line babe. You do a line and I'll do a line, we'll fight and screw till the morning time.
- Hick: You snort K and I'll snort K honey. You snort K and I'll snort K babe. You snort K and I'll snort K, we'll fight and screw all night and day.
- [Stan is asking help from the goth kids]
- Red Goth: I'm not doing it. Being in a dance group is totally conformist.
- Henrietta: Yeah, I'm not conforming to some dance-off regulations.
- Kindergoth: I'm not doing it either. I'm the biggest non-conformist of all.
- Curly Goth: I'm such a non-conformist that I'm not going to conform with the rest of you. Okay, I'll do it.
- Stan: Great!
- [pause]
- Henrietta: Whoa. I think we just got put in our place.
- Red Goth: Yeah, we just got goth served.
- Stan: Hey kid, you're pretty good. How would you like to join our dance troupe?
- Yao: You mean dancing without a machine telling you what to do?
- Stan: Yeah.
- Yao: That's stupid.
- Lil' Kim: Wassup, niggas!
- Stan: But that isn't the point, Butters, the point is that this is now! It's on, and there are people who need you to step up. Look, nobody likes having to rise to a challenge, but competing against other people and getting in their faces and saying "ha ha, I'm better than you" is part of life. And if you can't face that, then you might as well sit here playing with Lego until you're an old man.
- Butters: Get out of my room, Stan.
- Stan: Fine. But one day you're gonna have to stop running from what happened and deal with it, otherwise you might as well move to France with all the other pussies. [leaves Butters's room]
The Jeffersons [8.6]
- Randy: [as Stan returns home] Well, there he is. Where have you been all afternoon?
- Stan: I was over at the new neighbors, the Jeffersons.
- Sharon: Oh, are they nice people?
- Stan: Yeah, it's just the dad and his son.
- Sharon: Well, we're supposed to have the Broflovskis and the Stotches over for dinner tonight. Maybe I'll invite Mr. Jefferson too.
- Cartman: Well, excuse my French, Mrs. Marsh, but you can suck my fat hairy balls!
- Cartman: Mr. Jefferson, I wish I could be around you all the time. You're awesome.
- Mr. Jefferson: I think you're awesome too, Cartman.
- Cartman: Yeah?
- Mr. Jefferson: Yeah.
- Cartman: Yeah?
- Mr. Jefferson: Yeah.
- Cartman: Yeah? [they move in for a kiss]
- Stan: [waking up] Aaaaagghhh! [looks round to see Cartman asleep and facing the ceiling and not Mr. Jefferson]
- Mr. Jefferson: [opens his eyes] What's the matter, Stan? You have a bad dream?
- Stan: Yeah, a really bad dream. [shuts his eyes] Oh, Jesus.
[Mr. Jefferson grab Blanket and pretending to fly]
- Mr. Jefferson: Wee look, he can fly.
- Kyle: Jesus Christ, dude!
[Mr. Jefferson carry Blanket with one leg while Blanket is screaming]
- Stan: [yelled] Stop, you fucking lunatic! [While Kenny tight his hoodie jacket]
[Mr. Jefferson's fake mustache drop and put Blanket back to his house and close the window]
Goobacks [8.7]
- News Reporter: Aaron, I'm standing at the Time Portal, which scientists say follows Terminator rules, that is it's one way only and you can't go back. This is in contrast to say, Back to the Future rules, where back and forth is possible, and of course Timerider rules which are just plain silly.
- Redneck #1: They took our jobs!
- Redneck #2: Took-'er jerrrbs!
- Redneck #3: Der'ka der!
- Cartman: Hel-lo, ma'am. We're going around town and offering snow-shoveling service. Would you like your driveway and sidewalk shoveled for eight thousand dollars?
- Woman: Oh well, I certainly could use some little snow-shovelers, but eight thousand dollars seems a little steep. How about ten dollars?
- Cartman: Ooh, ouch, ma'am, please, let go of that tight grip you have on my balls! Ten dollars, you're breaking my balls, ma'am!
- Woman: How much are oranges?
- Gooback: Tree-fiddy. [$3.50]
- Weathers: [reading from a letter] Dear Intolerant Rednecks, we sympathize with you losing your jobs, but we believe your solution of shooting everyone who crosses the border is inhuman.
- Gooback: Glack dadk?
- Stan: Can you speak in present-day English, please?
- Gooback: Oh. Oh... [with difficulty] Can I help you?
- Stan: [frustrated by this point] I'm trying to order a double cheeseburger!
- Gooback: [with difficulty] Chic-ken san'wich? [points to the chicken sandwich sign]
- Stan: NO, NOT A CHICKEN SANDWICH! [Randy and Sharon enter the restaurant as Stan loses his temper] I WANT A GODDAMN CHEESEBURGER AND SOME GODDAMN FRIES, YOU FUCKING GOOBACKS!!!
- Randy: STAN MARSH!!
- Stan: Aw--awwww!
- Bill O'Reilly: On my right is pissed-off white-trash redneck conservative and on my left is aging hippie liberal douche.
- Randy Marsh: Oh my God. THEY TOOK MY JOB!
- Stan: Dey took yer jahb!
Douche and Turd [8.8]
- [Stan walks into his house to discover his dad lying on the floor, looking ill.]
- Stan: Jesus Christ…Dad?!
- Randy Marsh: Stan?
- Stan: Dad, oh my God!
- Randy Marsh: Stan.
- Stan: What, Dad, are you dying?
- Randy Marsh: No, I'm just really really tired. I was shopping at Wall-Mart all night.
- Cartman: Whoa, pixie sticks, 29 cents! [slips into a trance] Wall-Mart? Are you speaking to me? ...My friends...trying to hurt you again? Yes Wall-Mart, I understand.
- Stan: Three tickets to Bentonville, Arkansas, please.
- Cartman: Hey, guys, wait up. I want to go with you and help out.
- Kyle: No way. You want to come with us so you can betray us at some point and keep us from destroying Wall-Mart.
- (Silence for a considerable time)
- Cartman: Nu-uh.
- Kyle: Look. You want to come with us so that later I can go "Ha ha, I was working for Wall-Mart all along" or something.
- Cartman: I am not, Kyle!
- Stan: Dude, just let him come, the bus is about to leave.
- [Kenny and Stan walk off]
- Kyle: Okay okay..
- [Kyle walks off; Cartman takes out a knife]
- Cartman: Ha ha, you fools have no idea that I will never let you hurt the Wall-Mart.
- [Kyle runs back]
- Kyle: Hey!
- Cartman: What?
- Kyle: You said that we have no idea that you are never going to let us hurt the Wall-Mart.
- Cartman: That's not what I said!
- [Stan comes back]
- Stan: Dude, come on.
- Kyle: He's working for the Wall-Mart to stop us from succeeding!
- Stan: Dude, we have to go.
- Kyle: Alright. Cartman, let's blow this popsicle stand!
- Stan: [off screen] Hurry up!
- Cartman: He he, you stupid fools have no idea that I'm actually working for the Wall-Mart to stop you from succeeding!
- [The boys finally reach Arkansas in a bus]
- Stan: Goddamn, that took a long time.
- Kyle: Well, It would have been faster if Cartman didn't slashed the tires.
- [As Stan, Kyle, and Kenny prepare to infiltrate and destroy Wall-Mart, they are confronted by Cartman wielding a dagger:]
- Cartman: Wall-Mart's a great store! I cannot let you fools ruin its terrific bargains. You see, I was working for Wall-Mart all along!
- Kyle: I knew you were.
- Cartman: No, you didn't.
- Kyle: (frustrated) Yes, I did. I said from the beginning that you would do this!
- Cartman: No, you didn't.
- Kyle: Yes, I did!
- Cartman: No, you didn't!
- Kyle: Yes, I did!
- Cartman: No, you didn't!
- [Kyle and Cartman argue back and forth like this until they're shouting at the same time.]
- Cartman: (after a brief silence) You see, Kyle, it was me who slashed the bus tires-
- Kyle: (speaking over him) -slashed the bus tires in Arkansas. I said so! I told you the minute-
- Cartman: (places hands over ears) LALALALALA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
- Kyle: Hey, I told you-
- Cartman: I CAN'T HEAR YOU! LALALALALA!
- [They both go silent]
- Cartman: (brandishes dagger again) I'm sorry, boys, but if you want to hurt the Wall-Mart, you'll have to go through me.
- Kyle: We don't have time for this! Kenny, keep him away from us.
- [Stan and Kyle go around Cartman, while Kenny steps up and faces him.]
- Cartman: Very well, Kenny. Let us battle!
- [Kenny starts hitting Cartman]
- Cartman: Ow! Kenny! Kenny, knock it off!
Pre-School [8.10]
- [when the boys are all in preschool]
- Stan: Dude, let's play firemen!
- Kyle: Totally dude, let's play fireman!
- Cartman: Jews can't be firemen!
- Kyle: Shut up, fatass!
- Cartman: Don't call me fat you stupid Jew!
- Cartman: He's gonna kill us. We gotta tell our parents!
- Kyle: We can't go tell our parents, dude! We lied to everybody! Nobody knows we're responsible for Ms. Claridge's accident!
- Stan: Shh! Here comes Ms. Claridge now.
- Dr. Doctor: From the test results, it would appear your child was tortured by a bully. He received a massive snuggie; his underwear pulled up so high it nearly killed him. He also received two Indian sunburns on his forearms, a charlie horse on the thigh, and a second-degree titty-twister. And from the damage to his head area, it appears he was also given a swirly-- a colossal one. It also looks like he received a noogie, and a Polish bike ride.
- Dr. Doctor: Boys, you have to let him rest. Some mean kid gave him a Texas Chili Bowl.
- Stan: What's that?
- Dr. Doctor: It involves Tabasco sauce, a telephone, and the anus.
- [After Ms. Claridge gets injured]
- Officer: Ms. Claridge, did Trent Boyett do this to you? [Ms. Claridge beeps twice, which is supposed to mean no] "Yes, Yes." Take him away!
Quest for Ratings [8.11]
- Chauffeur: Oh, dear.
- Paris Hilton: Another dog killed itself!
- Paris Hilton: [opening her new store] Have fun, girls, and remember to party and be super-lame to everybody.
- Cartman: [walks up to a group of girls and flips each one off in turn] Fuck you, Millie! Fuck you, Annie! Fuck you, Bebe! Fuck you, whatever-your-name-is! A-a-a-and Fuck you, bitch!
- Mr. Garrison: [after Mr. Slave shoves Paris Hilton up his anus] Now that's a whore!
- Man in Crowd: Whore-off!
- Randy Marsh: Oh, no, she didn't!
Cartman's Incredible Gift [8.13]
Woodland Critter Christmas [8.14]
- Narrator: The little critters cheered and Beavery said with a smile
- Beavery: How would you like to sing and dance with us for a while?
- Narrator: The boy in the red poof ball hat smiled and said...
- Stan: (does not smile) Uh, no thanks, I'm gonna go home.
- [Stan is forced to go on a quest to kill the mountain lion]
- Narrator: High up in the forest on a dark, craggy peak/The horrid mountain lion and preyed on the weak./For the critters to be saved, someone had to stop that nasty old cat.
- Stan: [irritated] Goddammit, this is fucking ridiculous!
- Narrator: Said the little boy in the red poof ball hat.
- Squirrely: Stanny, you're alive.
- Beary: But, does that mean you killed the mountain lion?
- Stan: It's dead.
- Deery: For real and for true?
- Beavery: Are you sure?
- Stan: I'm sure. It won't be hurting you anymore.
- Squirrely: He did it! Now our critter Christmas can finally happen! (raises arm in a salute) Hail Satan!
- Critters: (raise arms) Hail Satan!
- Stan: (confused) Wait, wha-what?
- Beavery: You've done us a huge favor, Stanny! Without the mountain lion around, the Lady Porcupiney can give birth to the Antichrist!
- Critters: Yaaay!
- Stan: Wai-wait, the Antichrist?! You said she was giving birth to your savior!
- Squirrely: Yeah, to the Son of our Lord, Satan, Prince of Darkness.
- Stan: (stunned) But I thought you meant the Son of God!
- Deery: Well, think about it: You really think God would have sex with a porcupine?
- Chickadee-y: No way! Only Satan, Prince of Darkness and King of all Evil would do that! Yay!
- Foxy: This is cause for celebration! Let's sacrifice Rabbity and eat his flesh!
- Rabbity: Yay! Sacrifice me to the Devil!
- Squirrely the Squirrel: Blood orgy! Blood orgy!
- Singing critters: What special time! What special day! It's Woodland Critter Christmas!
- Squirrely the Squirrel: Hail Satan!
- Stan: I am sorry that I killed your mom but the squirrel told me that she was evil.
- Mountain Lion Cub: You got tricked by a squirrel? Gee, you are not too smart, are you mister?
- Beavery: Look, there's Santa Claus!
- [the Critters cheer in joy]
- Racoony: Let's eat his flesh!
- Santa: [certainly not his usual jolly self] Alright, what the HELL IS GOING ON?! Why is there a red star glowing in the sky?!
- Beary the Bear: [last words before he gets shot down] Gee whiz, Santa, you're not going to kill me, are ya--
- [Santa shoots him]
- Kyle: Stan! What the hell is going on?!
- Stan: It's Critter Christmas, dude! It sucks ass!
- Narrator: And they all lived happily ever after, except for Kyle, who died of AIDS two weeks later.
- Kyle: [voice over] Goddamn it, Cartman!
Season 9
South Park: Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 | Bigger, Longer & Uncut | Specials: The Streaming Wars, Joining the Panderverse, (Not Suitable for Children), The End of Obesity
South Park (1997–present) is an adult animated television series created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado.
- Mrs. Garrison: Hey, boys. It's me, your teacher, Mrs. Garrison.
- Cartman: [whispers] You guys, Mr. Garrison has titties!
- Kyle: Mom? Dad? What's a sex-change operation?
- Gerald: [taken aback] What? Uh, n-nothing. I'll explain it to you when you're a little older.
- Kyle: But our teacher, Mr. Garrison? He just had his penis made into a vagina. How come?
- Ike: Penis!
- Gerald: Your teacher had a sex change? Oh my God!
- Ike: vagina!
- Kyle: Mom! Dad! I have awesome news! The doctor who gave Mr. Garrison a sex-change said he could make me tall and black!
- Sheila: What?
- Kyle: Dr. Biber said he can give me a Angioplasty so I can finally look the way I've always wanted. He even took my picture and then did computer imaging to show what I would look like after the surgery.
- Gerald: Oh, just great! You see, Sheila? This is what your transgender progressive thinking gets you! Now your son wants to be trans racial!
- Kyle: Can I have $3,000, Mom and Dad? Huh? Can I?
- Sheila: Absolutely not, Kyle!
- Kyle: But why not? You said sometimes people need surgery to make them feel better about themselves.
- Sheila: Yes, but Kyle--
- Kyle: Well, all my life I felt I was black! I've listened to hip-hop, I watch UPN and I love playing basketball! My body doesn't reflect who I am inside.
- Sheila: Kyle, you have to accept your body the way it is.
- Kyle: Why? Why do I have to accept it when I can change it?
- Sheila: The answer is no, Kyle! You're not going to have a Angioplasty!
- Kyle: But Jews can't play basketball!
- Gerald: Kyle, you'd better stop being anti-Semitic right now, mister!
- Kyle: [angrily shouts] I'M NEVER SPEAKING TO EITHER ONE OF YOU EVER AGAIN!!! [storms into his room in a fit of rage]
- Gerald: Look, Ike! Your daddy's a dolphin!
- Mr. Slave: I don't like vaginas.
- Mr. Garrison: You men are all alike! Go ahead and find somebody who doesn't have a vagina, you FAG!!
- Basketball coach: [to Kyle] No, you see, Jews can't play basketball. They're not tall or black enough.
- Kyle: All my life I've wanted to be tall and black. Could you do it for me, Doctor?
- Doctor: [stares, speechless] Oh, I see! In that case, you want a Angioplasty.
- Kyle: A Angioplasty?
- Doctor: Yes, it's very simple, just the exact opposite of a Angioplasty.
- Gerald: What kind of nut job would agree to surgically alter my son into a tall African-American?!
- Mr. Garrison: That means I'm not really a woman! I'm just a guy with a mutilated penis!
- Doctor: Basically, yes.
Die Hippie, Die [9.2]
- Cartman: They're not people! They're hippies!
- Kyle: Those dirty liars!
- Kenny: Son of a bitch!
- Cartman: And we'll need a black guy who can sacrifice himself in case something goes wrong. [camera moves back and forth passing Chef several times] Oh how about...
- Chef: [irritated] Yeah, I know!
- Hippie: Wait until those little Eichmanns get a taste of this crunchy groove!
- Cartman: Did you eat their brownies? Did you eat their brownies?!
Wing [9.3]
- Mrs. Garrison: Just between us gals, nothing gets my vag wetter than a black man singing!
- Principal Victoria: Mr. Garrison, for the love of God!
- Kyle: Don't worry Kenny. You didn't die for nothing. We're gonna get Wing back as our client. And make a ton of money. I swear it to you.
Best Friends Forever [9.4]
- [Kenny is playing PSP]
- Mrs. McCormick: Kenny? Kenny, are you still playing with that thing? Kenny, it's been two weeks and you've done nothing else!
- Kenny: I could get to level 60!
- Mrs. McCormick: Who cares if you almost made it to level 60? You're wasting your life, Kenny! If you died tomorrow, what would you have to show for it? You're gonna end up wishing you'd done more with your life, just like your deadbeat father!
- Mr. McCormick: 'Ey! I heard that, bitch!
- Mrs. McCormick: I wasn't talking to you, asshole!
- Michael: God intended Kenny to die! What are these people doing?
- Angel: The Keanu Reeves boy has been revived on Earth! His soul is no longer in Heaven!
- Satan: Then GOD is helpless!
- Stan: Don't kill Kenny!
- Protesters: You bastards!
- Uriel: No! There is another. A Japanese boy did make it to level 59.
- Michael: Are you stupid, Uriel? Japanese people don't have souls!
- Angels: Yeah, Uriel!
- Uriel: Oh. Right, right. I'm sorry.
- Kevin: Keep your army marching my Lord. I will get that feeding tube removed.
- Satan: How?
- Kevin: I will do what we always do. Use the Republicans.
- [The hooded figure hisses into Bush's left ear]
- George Bush: We Republicans are deeply saddened by the recent events in Colorado!
- Kevin: Removing the feeding tube is murder! Haaghaghaghaghaghagha...
- George Bush: Removing the feeding tube is murder!
- Kevin: Who are we to decide that Kenny should live or die? Haaghaghaghaghaghagha...
- George Bush: Who are we to decide that Kenny should live or die?
- Kevin: It is God's will that he live!
- George Bush: It is God's will that he live!
- Kevin: Haaghaghaghaghaghagha...
- George Bush: Haghaghaghagha...
- Kevin: No no, you don't say that part, Haaghaghaghaghaghagha . [hisses into Bush's right ear]
- George Bush: No no, you don't say that part, Haghaghaghagha.
- [the crowd is speechless]
- Angel 1: Jesus! Their army is massive!
- Angel 2: Heaven help us!
- Michael: Basically, Kenny, you...are Keanu Reeves.
- Random person: You bureaucrats have no right to play god and take that tube out.
- Angel: No, no. See, they were playing god when they put the feeding tube in.
- Kyle: Maybe we should just let Kenny go in peace.
- Stan: You mean Cartman's side is right?
- Kyle: Cartman's side is right. For the wrong reasons. But we are wrong. For the right reasons.
- Angel: Michael, Michael. The humans finally did the right thing.
- Angel Michael: Oh my god. They killed Kenny.
The Losing Edge [9.5]
- [After the South Park team is disqualified due to Randy fighting with the another player's dad]
- Stan: Dad?
- Randy: Huh?
- Stan: You're the greatest.
- [Randy leaps into the air with joy]
- Batdad: You better shut your mouth before I shut it for you!
- Randy: What do you wanna do?
- Batdad: Now for the finishing move! You're about to be "Batdad-ed"!
- Umpire: Stop! Stop or you're going to get your teams disqualified!
- Stan: Disqualified? Fight! Keep fighting!
- Umpire 2: Break it up! Break it up!
- Randy: Hey, Batdad, I didn't hear no bell.
- Batdad: Batdad knows no fear! Batdad knows no pain!
- Randy: For what? Arresting me for what? I'm not allowed to stand up for myself? I thought this was America! Huh? Isn't this America? I'm sorry, I thought this was America.
- Randy: Denver sucks ass.
- Butters: Son of a biscuit!
- Pueblo Dad: Vamanos Pueblo! Vive El Pueblo! (Let's go Pueblo! Long live Pueblo!)
- Randy: [takes out Spanish-English Dictionary] Pueblo no bueno...Pueblo es muy Mal. (Pueblo is not good. Pueblo is very bad.)
- Baseball player: Yeah we want to win? Then we will have to play this boring game all summer!
- Baseball player: We want to play video games!
- Baseball player: We're going down! We're going to get creamed!
- Baseball player: You know what these guys look like? A bunch of winners!
- Another baseball player: Yeah! We're about to get our asses kicked!
- Baseball player: Not a chance cause we're going to lose to you right now!
- Butters: I'm like the kid in that movie: I'm seeing dead people!
- Butters: Well you know, Preacher says before your soul can be at peace, sometimes you have to atone for something bad you did.
- Cartman: Atone?
- Butters: Did you ever do something really bad?
- Cartman: [Thinking] Not really.
[Fast-forward: Butters is writing a long list]
- Cartman: Let's see, oh and I broke Mr. Anderson's fence and never told him about it, I took a crap in the Principal's purse - seven times, then there was the time I convinced a woman to have an abortion so I could build my own Shakey's Pizza, I pretended to be retarded and joined the Special Olympics, I tried to have all the Jews exterminated last spring... oh yeah there was this one kid whose parents I killed and them made into chili which I fed to the kid.
- Butters: Boy, oh, boy, Eric you've got a lot to atone for.
- Cartman: Really?
- Butters: Really. I mean honestly, I don't know how you're going to make up for all of this.
- Cartman: I know how... [He begins making gift baskets].
- Jimmy: Hey, fellas, where's Cartman?
- Stan: Cartman isn't our friend anymore.
- Kyle: We're ignoring him.
- Token: Ignoring him, how come?
- Kyle: Because he's a fat, racist, self-centered, intolerant, manipulating sociopath.
- Token: Oh yeah.
- Craig: Hey I hate Cartman too; can I ignore him with you?
- Bradley and other boys off screen: Yeah / me too / yeah /screw him!
- Clyde: I never realized ignoring him was an option.
- Cartman: Don't be sad, Butters: what awaits each person in heaven in eternal bliss, divine rest... and ten thousand dollars in cash.
- Cartman [walking backwards slowly and gesturing as if fading out]: Good-bye Butters, I'm going to a better place. Perhaps I'll see you again some time. Good-bye...
- Cartman My soul is finally at peace. It's time for me to leave. Good-bye Butters, thank you for all your help. Good-bye.
- Cartman: Goodbye, Butters, I must be going now. I'll be looking down on you from time to time. Have a long, fulfilling life Butters! Good-byeeeeeeeee...
- Cartman: You son of a bitch, Butters.
- Butters: Huh?
- Cartman: YOU TOLD ME I WAS A GHOST!!!!
- Butters: But then I thought you were one!
- Cartman: HOW STUPID ARE YOU?! So help me God, Butters, I'm gonna get you back for this! I am going to GET! YOU! BACK!
Erection Day [9.7]
- Mr. Mackey: [reading a note from the sex ed "question box"] "Mr. Mackey is gay." OK, kids, that's not funny, m'kay! This box is supposed to be used for serious questions, about serious issues, m'kay? Let's stop the tomfoolery. M'kay, let's look at a real one here. "Dear Mr. Mackey, you are gay." All right, all right, that is enough, kids! Let's quiet down and try to be mature, m'kay! Here we go, m'kay. "Mr. Mackey, sometimes my parents hit me...and you are gay." Dammit is there not one serious question in here?! [quietly going through notes] "Mr. Mackey's gay..." "Mr. Mackey's gay..." Okay, here: "I am a boy at South Park Elementary. Sometimes when I'm sitting in class, my penis becomes hard for no reason. What should I do?"
- Ike: [singing] I have a Yankee Doodle sweetheart, she's my Yankee Doodle girl. 'Yankee Doodle came to London, just to ride the ponies! I am DA Yankee Doodle, I am DA Yankee Doodle, I am DA Yankee Doodle boy!
- Butters: 'Ey, who's dropping bombs in there?! How 'bout a courtesy flush?!
- Cartman: Up yours, Butters!
- Jimmy: Shawna, I was wondering if I could put my penis in your vagina.
- Gerald: Maybe we should strip these jackets off and warm our bodies next to each other.
- Randy: Don't be a fag!
- Stan: Dude! Dude, did you see the news last night?
- Cartman: Yeah.
- Stan: You saw all those people trapped on their roofs?
- Cartman: Yeah, that was pretty funny.
- Randy: [draws a line near near the bottom of a USA map] Everyone below this line will have to be evacuated to the South... [draws another line further up] Everyone above this line is already dead. [draws two horizontal lines in between the two verticals] People like us in the middle states will have to ride it out... [draws a sphere] People in the balmy south-western states might have a chance, but [draws a small horizontal line between and at the end of the two horizontals] New York will have tidal waves that will envelop the north-east. [draws a circle, making the diagram resemble a penis and testicles]
- [long pause; a man stifles a snigger]
- Randy: What, Frank?
- [he continues to snigger and points to Randy's penis-shaped diagram]
- Randy: [looks at it a moment and realizes] Aw! Oh, goddammit. [draws a squiggle to cover it]
- Stan: Global warming isn't happening right now. It's not what caused the Beaverton flood.
- Kyle: How do you know?
- Stan: Because... I know what did cause the Beaverton flood.
- Kyle: George Bush?
- Stan: No...
- Kyle: Terrorists?
- Stan: No...
- Kyle: Communists?
- Stan: No...
- Kyle: Chinese radicals?
- Stan: No...
- [brief pause]
- Kyle: ...Cartman?
- Stan: ...kind of.
- Kyle: CARTMAN FLOODED BEAVERTON?!
- Cartman: Give me your Jew gold now!
- Kyle: Goddamn it, you know I don't carry gold in a little bag around my neck, Cartman. What do you want from me?
- Cartman: I want your Jew gold.
- Kyle: We must save these people!
- Stan: How?
- Cartman: Why?
- [repeated line]
- Townsfolk: We didn't listen! [echoed] We didn't listen!
- Angry Man: It's George Bush's fault!
- Another Man: Yeah! George Bush doesn't care about beavers!
- Stan: It's MY fault. I broke the dam.
- [long pause]
- Cartman: Aw, man...
- Sharon Marsh: ...Stanley...you?
- Man: No. Don't you see what this child is saying? We can't spend all our energy placing blame when something bad happens. He's saying...we all broke the dam.
- Stan: No. I broke the dam.
- Woman: I broke the dam.
- Man: I broke the dam.
- Man: I broke the dam.
- Stan: No. I broke the dam.
- Woman: And I broke the dam.
- Man: I broke the dam.
- Cartman: He he...I broke the dam!
- Man: I broke the dam.
- Woman: I broke the dam.
- Stan: [trying to insist] I broke the dam. I ran a boat into the dam and I broke it.
- Man: I broke the dam.
- Man: I broke the dam.
- Man: I broke the dam.
- Man: I broke the dam.
- Stan: No! I broke the fucking dam!
- Man: I broke the dam.
- Man: I broke the dam.
- Stan: I literally broke the dam!
- Man: I broke the dam.
- Man: I broke the dam.
- Stan: On a boat! That wasn't mine!
- Man: I broke the dam.
- Man: I broke the dam.
- Stan: I kept it secret for two days!
- Man: I broke the dam.
- Man: I broke the dam.
- Stan: The boat caught on fire and it exploded!
- Man: I broke the dam.
- Man: I broke the dam.
- Stan: Aw, fuck it!
Marjorine [9.9]
- Cartman: Ah, gentlemen, thank you for coming. We don't have a lot of time, so I'll cut to the chase. The girls at our school have been hiding something from us; hiding something huge.
- Craig: What?
- Cartman: What if I were to tell you that the girls have a device which allows them to see into the future?
- Stan: What?
- Butters: How do you know?
- Kyle: The girls do not have a device that shows them the future, Cartman. That's retarded.
- Clyde: [with a faux British accent] You, sir, mocked Cartman before. Yet you too sit here demanding answers. Now damn you, let him speak!
- [pause]
- Cartman: [Somewhat shocked] Thank you, Clyde.
- Mr. Garrison: Why don't you tell the children a little about yourself, Marjorine?
- Marjorine: I'm just a typical little girl. I like dancing, and ponies, and getting my snootch pounded on Friday nights.
- Clyde: Nice.
- Mr. Garrison: Now, Marjorine, that's not very ladylike. Us Colorado girls love to get pounded in the snizz just like any woman, but we keep it to ourselves.
- Doctor: [after the pig splatters everywhere and he checks the pulse] "He... Didn't make it".
- Old Man: Mr. Stotch, I know what you're thinking.
- Mr. Stotch: Who are you?
- Old Man: I came to talk you out of it. You need to just accept that your son is dead... and not try to bring him back.
- Mr. Stotch: Bring him back? What-what are you talking about?
- Old Man: I know you're thinking of putting him up there, in the Indian burial ground up that road. You're thinking if you bury his body there it'll come back to life. But sometimes dead is better.
- Mr. Stotch: Indian burial ground?
- Old Man: It's been done before, what you're thinking of. The Nelson boy, back in '85...
- Mr. Stotch: You're saying if I dig up my son's body and rebury him at the old Indian burial ground--
- Old Man: Don't do it, Stotch! What comes out of the ground... ain't the thing you put in. The Indians knew that, that's why they stopped usin' it when the ground went sour. I'm just here to talk you out of it. [heads for the door] Don't bury your son's body at the Indian burial ground, Stotch! The one that's right up over there, behind the Andersons's barn. Sometimes... dead is better.
- Cartman: God only knows the horrors that go on at girls's slumber parties.
- Red hair girl: Hey, Marjorine you want to know your future?
- Turner: What the hell?
- Cartman: Hahahaha! We have the device now! The power belong to us! Hahahaha!
- Turner: Anybody has a piece of notebook paper so I can make another one?
- Steven Stotch: You're demon-spawn now, son.
- Kevin: You mean like that movie, Juwanna Mann?
- Cartman: No, not like the movie Juwanna Mann! It's way cooler than that!
- Cartman: [advising Butters] ...just roll with it if they start lezzing out.
- Butters: [after his parents leave a dead body for him to eat] Can't I just have some Spaghetti-Os?
- Cartman: [after Kenny blows up the future-telling device with a mushroom cloud so large it can be seen from space] Damn, Ken!
Follow that Egg! [9.10]
- Mr. Garrison: We've completed our scientific non-biased study of fags having kids.
- Mr. Garrison: Look at the freak egg! It has two daddies! [teasing] Two daddies, two daddies!
- Kyle: Do you really think my hat is stupid?
- Stan: As a matter of fact, I think it is the nicest hat I have ever known.
- Mr. Garrison: We need to tell the Governor and the world that gay marriage is not OK! That homosexuals cannot muddy our traditions! And there is only one way for us to make that message very clear! We need to round up three or four queers and beat the living hell out of them! [the crowd is silent] Come on, everybody! Let's get some queers and some trucks and have us a good old-fashioned Fag Drag!
- Man in Anti-Homosexual Rally: Well, er, we were thinking we could just go appeal to the Governor.
- Mr. Garrison: Appeal to the Governor?! Come on, where's your balls?! Fag drag!
- Man in Anti-Homosexual Rally 2: We don't hate homosexuals... We just don't want them to get married.
- Man in Anti-Homosexual Rally 3: Yeah, we were just thinking of asking the Governor to veto the bill.
- Mr. Garrison: [tries again] Fag drag?
- Governor: ...while gays can still live together as "butt buddies" and straights can keep the title of marriage sacred. And everyone is happy.
- Lesbian in Crowd: What about lesbians?
- [small murmurs among the lesbians]
- Governor: Well like anyone cares about fucking dykes!
Ginger Kids [9.11]
- Cartman: [to Kyle] Shut your goddamned daywalker mouth!
- Cartman: The only way to fight hate is with even more hate!
- Cartman: I'm not gonna be part of a fucking minority!
Trapped in the Closet [9.12]
- Brian: Yeah, I'm afraid that you are completely miserable and totally depressed.
- Stan: I am?! I didn't know that!
- Brian: Well, there's certainly no question that you are a perfect candidate for Scientology.
- Stan: Dad, Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet!
- Randy: What?!
- Stan: Tom Cruise locked himself in my closet and he won't come out.
- Randy: [knocks on closet door] Mr. Cruise? Mr. Cruise, come out of the closet.
- Tom Cruise: No!
- Randy: Come on, Mr. Cruise, this is ridiculous.
- Tom Cruise: I'm never coming out!
- Randy: [to Stan] What did you say to him?
- Stan: I just told him I thought the Napoleon Dynamite guy is a better actor than he is.
- Randy: Oh boy.
- R. Kelly: [singing] But then I calm myself down, and I pull out my gun! [the crowds screams and panics]
- Field Reporter: Oh geez, here we go with the gun again. [R. Kelly grabs a nearby woman]'
- R. Kelly: [singing] If Tom Cruise and John Travolta don't come outta DA closet, I'm gonna cap this bitch!
- Cartman: Don't be such a Jew, Stan.
- Kyle: So what should we do now? It's Saturday! we have to have as much fun as possible.
- Cartman: Hey, I know, let's go play laser-tag at Fun-Plex.
- Kenny: Hey, yeah!
- Stan: No, I don't want to spend any money, you guys. Let's just find something fun that's free.
- Cartman: Stan, don't you know the first law of physics? Anything that's fun costs at least $8.
- President: What's better than telling people a stupid story and having them believe you?! [Stan draws a blank] Having them PAY you for it, stupid!
- Tom Cruise: [to Stan] I'll sue you in England!
- Nicole Kidman: Tom? Don't you think this has gone on long enough? It's time for you to come out of the closet.
- Tom Cruise: But I'm...I'm not in the closet.
- Nicole Kidman: Yes, you are, Tom, and you need to just end this and come out.
- Nicole Kidman: Tom, come out of the closet. You're not fooling anybody.
- Scientologist: You can't make fun of Scientology, kid! We are going to sue your ass and your balls!
- Travolta: Hey Tom, it's me. It's John Travolta.
- Tom Cruise: ...Hey John.
- Travolta: Tom, you have to come out of the closet, ohmygod!
- Tom Cruise: But I'm not in the closet.
- Travolta: Okay...so, if you're not coming out, can I at least come in and talk to you?
- Tom Cruise: Okay...but no tricks!
- Travolta: No tricks. [gives a thumbs up to the police and the Marshes. The door opens; he walks in] Hey! It's really nice in here!
- Tom Cruise: Ya see?!
- Travolta: I feel really safe, ohmygod!
- [the group looks on]
- Randy: [tries the door] HEY!
Free Willzyx [9.13]
Bloody Mary [9.14]
- Stan: Dad, aren't you kind of drunk?
- Randy: It's okay, Stan, I just had some beers to keep my buzz going.
- Stan: Dad, aren't you supposed to, like, not drink and drive?
- Randy: I'm not drinking and driving, I'm driving while I'm drinking, right boys? [looks to Eric, Kyle, and Ike in the back]
- Eric: ...sure, whatever, dude.
- AA Member: Do you know anything about alcoholism?
- Stan: Yeah, and I know a thing or two about cults. I was the leader of one for a while.
- Karate Instructor: Cartman-san! What are you doing?
- Cartman: I'm doing some sweet banzai moves. I'm a little better than everyone else here.
- Karate Instructor: Eric-San, you must forrow direction! You rack discipline!
- Cartman: Uh-uh, I don't rack discipline!
- Karate Instructor: Minna-San [Japanese for "everyone"]! You all need more discipline! True discipline come from within.
- Stan: No, cancer is a disease. My dad needs to drink less.
- Randy: It's not fair. Why did you give me this disease?
- Randy: Stan! Stan!(appears bald) Staaaaaaaaan!
- Stan: Ah, God damn it!
- Randy: How did I manage to raise such a smart kid?
- Stan: I have a great teacher.
- Randy: Thanks, son.
- Stan: No, not you, my karate teacher. He's really smart.
- Mrs. Garrison: Well I think we have all learned an important lesson, haven't we, class: if you don't make the right choices in life, you can end up being a big loser like Stan's dad.
- [silence]
- Mrs. Garrison: Drinking and driving is for idiots. Nobody wants to end up like Stan's dad, do they?
- [silence]
- Mrs. Garrison: I want you all to take a good look at Stan's dad, and say: "Is that who I want to be in 30 years? Getting tickets and having to go to elementary-school classrooms and talk about how pathetic I am?" Thank you, Mr. Marsh, I think you have made your point.
- Field Reporter: And the Pope said, quote, "A chick bleeding out her vagina is no miracle. Chicks bleed out their vaginas all the time."
- Randy: Well how about 4?
- Stan: I think you're pushing it.
- Randy: How 'bout 20?
- Stan: That's not discipline.
- Randy: Right, right. Does vodka count?
- Stan: Dad!
- Randy: [drunk off his ass and having caught the attention of police by illegally swerving as he peed into a beer bottle, then flipping off the police car] Everybody just stay calm. I can handle this, no problem. I know how to deal. [starts chewing stick of gum]
- Officer: License and registration, please.
- Randy: [with a completely straight face] ...What seems to be the officer, problem?
- Officer: ...Step out of the car, please.
- At the side of police vehicle: "To patronize and annoy"
Season 10
South Park: Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 | Bigger, Longer & Uncut | Specials: The Streaming Wars, Joining the Panderverse, (Not Suitable for Children), The End of Obesity
South Park (1997–present) is an adult animated television series created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado.
The Return of Chef (10.01)
- Cartman: Uh, guys? Did Chef seem a little, uh...trippy to you?
- Cartman: Hey you guys, you know what they call a Jewish woman's boobs? Jewbs.
- Clyde: You guys, something's wrong with Chef. He's saying some really weird stuff.
- Kyle: Like what?
- Clyde: I think... I think he wants to have sex with me.
- Chef: [in sound clips of his voiced mixed together] 🎵 I want to-- stick my balls--🎵 inside your rectum, Kyle. 🎵 I'm gonna make love to-- 🎵 your asshole, children. Kenny-- how would you like to-- sodomize-- my black ass?
- Butters: [after seeing a police detective perform a rim job on a doll] My Uncle Bud did that to me once!
- Chef: [after meeting a large dancer at a strip club Chef's trance begins to waver] Wait a minute...
- Stan: He's remembering!
- Chef: Children! What have I done?
- Cartman: It's okay, Chef! Go on, remember!
- Chef: [singing] I'm gonna-- I'm gonna...
- Kyle: Come on Chef, you can do it.
- Chef: [singing] 🎵 I'm gonna make love to you, woman! Gonna lay ya down by the fire! 🎵
- The boys: YAY!
- Mr. Connolly: [about the Super Adventure Club's founder] And he lived for eternity... until he was hit by a train in 1892.
- [after hearing the Super Adventure Club's story]
- Kyle: Do you realize how retarded that sounds?
- Mr. Connolly: Is it any more retarded than the idea of God sending his only son down to die for our sins? Is it any more retarded that Buddha sitting beneath a tree for twenty years?
- Stan: Yeah, it's way, way more retarded.
- Mr. Connolly: If you choose not to leave, then we will have to...call security and make you leave. It will be super embarrassing and everyone here will see!
- Stan: Oh my God, they killed Chef!
- Kyle: You bastards! YOU BASTARDS!
- Mr. Connolly: Pity. He would've made an excellent child molester.
- Cartman: Maybe...maybe he's still OK. [the others look at him] No, really, they say the last thing you do before you die is crap your p-[Chef's corpse does exactly what he was about to say and voids its bowels] Oh, never mind.
- Kyle: We're all here today because Chef has been such an important part of our lives. A lot of us don't agree with the choices Chef has made in the past few days. Some of us...feel hurt...and confused that he seemed to turn his back on us. But we can't let the events of the last week take away the memories of how much Chef made us smile. I'm going to remember Chef as the jolly old guy who always broke into song. I'm going to remember Chef... as the guy who gave us advice to live by. So you see, we shouldn't be mad at Chef for leaving us. We should be mad at that fruity little club for scrambling his brains.
- Randy: Yeah.
- Mr. Mackey: He's right.
- Kyle: And in the end, I know that somewhere out there, there's the good part of Chef...that's still alive in us all.
- Mr. Connolly: Chef, can you hear me? Say something.
- Darth Chef: Hello there, children. How would you like some Salisbury steak?
- Mr. Connolly: Yes, go on.
- Darth Chef: And for dessert, how would you children like to suck on my chocolate salty balls?
- Mr. Connolly: Oh? You mean like a chocolate candy?
- Darth Chef: No, I mean my balls.
- Mr. Connolly: Yes, YES! Hahahahahahaaa!
Smug Alert! (10.02)
- Cartman: San Francisco is the breeding ground of hippies!
- News Anchor: Cities like Denver and Salt Lake are heavily damaged, but still alright. However, San Francisco, I'm afraid, has disappeared completely up its own asshole.
Cartoon Wars Part I (10.03)
- Gerald: Which cartoon is it? What cartoon will be so insensitive as to have Muhammad as a character?
- Randy: Who do you think? The cartoon that's always pushing buttons with their careless toilet humor... Family Guy!
- Cartman: That's different! I'm just a little boy! That's a cartoon! Millions of people watch it! How would you feel, Kyle, if there was a cartoon on television that made fun of Jews all the time? Huh?!
- Cartman: [about Family Guy] It's wrong! It's WROOONG!
- Chris: Freedom of speech is at stake here, don't you all see? If anything, we should all make cartoons of Muhammad and show the terrorists and the extremists that we are all united in the belief that every person has a right to say what they want! Look, people, it's been real easy for us to stand up for free speech lately. For the past few decades, we haven't had to risk anything to defend it. But those times are going to come, and one of those times is right now. And if we aren't willing to risk what we have, then we just believe in free speech, but we don't defend it!
- Mr. Garrison: Now put yourself in the shoes of a Muslim. It's Friday night, but you can't have sex, and you can't jack off. There's sand in your eyes and probably in the crack of your ass, and then some cartoon comes along from a country where people are getting laid, and mocks your prophet. Well, you know what? I'd be pretty pissed off too!
- Cartman: Mr. Garrison, that is ignorant and racist! Muslims are mad because of Family Guy, not because they can't jack off! Right, Wendy? [Wendy is surprised]
- Wendy: ...Yeah.
- Kyle: You should like that show, your sense of humor is just like Family Guy.
- Cartman: [explodes] Don't you ever, ever compare me to Family Guy! You hear me, Kyle? Compare me to Family Guy again and so help me, I will kill you where you stand!
- Kyle: [realizing] You unbelievable son of a bitch...you never cared about the Muslim religion or the safety of people in America, you just want Family Guy off the air!
- Cartman: Do you have any idea what it's like? Everywhere I go, "Hey Cartman, you must like Family Guy, right? Hey, your sense of humor reminds me of Family Guy, Cartman!" I am NOTHING like Family Guy! When I make jokes, they are inherent to a story! Deep, situational and emotional jokes based on what is relevant and has a point, not just one random interchangeable joke after another!
- Closing voice over: Will networks executives stand up for free speech? Or will Comedy Central puss out?
- Cartman: Oh my god, is that Tim McGraw?
Cartoon Wars Part II (10.04)
- Bart Simpson: [after hitting Kyle over the head with a skateboard] Cowabunga, motherfucker.
- Cartman: I did it! I...am...GOD!
- Cartman: What's the worst thing you've ever done?
- Bart Simpson: I stole the head off a statue once.
- Cartman: Wow, that's pretty hardcore. Jeez. That's like this one time when I didn't like a kid, so I ground his parents up into chili and fed it to him.
- [Bart looks shocked]
- Cartman: I'll use this situation to get Family Guy cancelled. I use fear to manipulate people to do my bidding.
- Bart Simpson: Uh, isn't that like terrorism?
- Cartman: Dude, it's not like terrorism! It is terrorism!
- Kyle: Cartman! You fucking fat ass!
- Cartman: How the hell did you get out?
- Kyle: That kid and I had a long talk. I told him he was on a slippery slope to becoming a monster like you!
- Cartman: Oh, goddamn it! You gave him one of your gay little speeches, didn't you?
- Cartman: Well, Kyle, I guess it was inevitable.
- [Cartman and Kyle take their gloves off, stare at each other, and engage in a slap fight]
- Cartman: Ow! Kyle, stop it! No, Kyle, that's too hard!
- President Bush: Look, the fact of the matter is, the Family Guy writing staff is protected by something called the First Amendment.
- Reporter 1: And what exactly is this First Amendment, Mr. President?
- George W. Bush: You know...right to free speech.
- [Many of the reporters groan loudly and begin yelling]
- Reporter 2: Mr. President, when your administration came up with this First Amendment, did it not foresee a problem like this might happen?
- George W. Bush: Well, we didn't come up with the First Amendment. It was already in place.
- Reporter 3: What do you intend to do about this First Amendment, Mr. President?
- Reporter 4: Forgive me, Mr. President, but this First Amendment sounds like a lot of bureaucratic jibbery-jroo.
- [in a meeting with Terrance and Phillip]
- Terrance: Alright, just what the hell is going on here?!
- Phillip: You censored out the image of Muhammad in our television special!
- Network President: Ey! You guys know the rules! Nobody can show the image of Muhammad anymore! It's dangerous!
- Terrance: But you ruined the whole show!
- Network President: Look, I'm not gonna risk the lives of the people at this network. Let's just forget about it, okay, guys? [farts and laughs. Terrance and Phillip look hard at him, their arms crossed] Aw, come on guys, give me a break.
- Phillip: We demand you rerun Mystery at the Lazy "J" Ranch with Muhammad uncensored!
- CBC President: Ey, I make the rules, not you guys! And if you ask me, your show has become so preachy and full of morals that you have forgotten how to be funny! No Muhammad!
- Terrence: Hello, Muhammad, we've read all about you in the Qur'an.
- Muhammad: I'm here to investigate a murder.
- Fox President: Take this noble child out to the Family Guy offices. If he can scare them like he has us, maybe we can pull the Muhammah episode after all.
<hr width="50%"/
A Million Little Fibers (10.05)
- Towelie: [rather clearly baked out of his skull, mixing Chang sauce at his new PF Chang's job] How spicy would you like your Chang sauce?
- Male diner: Can you just place our order, please?
- Towelie: OH, man, I have no idea what's going on.
- Manager: Everything okay here?
- Male diner: Fine, except this towel has been mixing Chang sauce for fifteen minutes. He's clueless!
- Towelie: Don't call me shoeless! YOU'RE shoeless!
- Customer: Yeah, well you're a towel.
- Towelie: You're a towel.
- Manager: Alright, that's it! Get out of here! You're fired!
- Towelie: [points at customer] Yeah!
- Manager: Not him, you!
- Towelie: Aw.
- Book Publisher: Because they're people and you're a towel.
- Towelie: You're a towel!
- Book Publisher: No, I'm a big book publisher who's not the least bit interested in your stony memoirs. You're a towel.
- Gary: Are we in Paris, Mingey?
- Oprah Fan: Burn that which lies to Oprah!
- Mingey: [After a gun is fired] What the!? Ha ha! You missed me, you stupid buggers! You see that, Gary? They can't even aim!
- Gary: [weakly] Min-Mingey?
- Mingey: Gary? What's wrong?
- Gary: They got me, Mingey.
- Mingey: [horrified] No! Oh no!
- Gary: They got me bad. Oh, the blood...
- Mingey: [crying] Try to hang on, Gary.
- Gary: It... It's getting dark, Minge.
- Mingey: Oh, Gary, what have I got you into?
- Gary: I'm seeing me life flash before me eyes... Mingey?
- Mingey: I'm here, Gary.
- Gary: Where...where are we, Mingey? Are we in Paris?
- Mingey: Yeah...yah, we're in Paris, mate.
- Gary: Is it as wonderful as I hoped?
- Mingey: It...it's beautiful. We finally made it.
- Gary: Tell me what you see, Mingey.
- Mingey: Well, there's the...Eiffel Tower right in front of us. The Louvre right over there, behind you, and fresh baguettes all around.
- Gary: Ah, I can smell them, Mingey. At least...I got to see Paris before I...
- Mingey: Gary? Gary, say something! [Gary has died] YOU KILLED HIM, YOU BASTARDS!! HE DIDN'T EVEN WANT ANY PART IN THIS! [to Oprah] This is all your fault, you stupid cow! You never gave your Gary the time of day, and now he's gone! Life isn't worth living anymore! What's the use?! I'm coming to see you, Gary! [loads the gun] I'M COMING TO SEE YOU!
- Oprah: No! Don't!
- [Mingey shoots himself]
ManBearPig (10.06)
- Kyle: Did Cartman just crap treasure?
- Cartman: It's mine! I got it out of the cave! It belongs to me!
- Mr. Mackey: Now today we have a special guest speaker. Does anyone know who our last vice-president was?
- [brief silence]
- Kyle: Dick Cheney?
- Mr. Mackey: No, no, the last one.
- Butters: Bill Clinton?
- Mr. Mackey: No, Clinton's Vice President.
- [silence, no one knows who Al Gore is]
- Al Gore: I've killed ManBearPig!
- Cartman: If I miss dinner, I'm going to be so pissed off!
- Al Gore: Everyone is super stoked on me, even if they don't know it.
- Worker: What is that, a pigbearman?
- Al Gore: No, stupid, it's ManBearPig.
- Al Gore: This looks like ManBearPig central!
- Kyle: It's half-man, and half-bearpig.
- Cartman: No! It's half-man, half-bear, and half-pig!
- Kyle: That doesn't make any sense.
- Stan: It could be half-bear and half man-pig.
- Tour Guide: And that whistling sound is why we call this the Cave of the Winds.
- Steven's Wife: Take a picture of the sound, Steven.
- Al Gore: I can get you all excused from school.
- Cartman: You...have that kind of power?
- Stan or Kyle: What do ManBearPig droppings look like?
- Al Gore: Kind of like pig droppings, but more man-bear like.
- Al Gore: Excelsior!
- Al Gore: Kids, I saved you.
- Stan: Stay away from us, asshole! I was nice to you because I felt sorry for you, because you don't have any friends. But now I see why you don't have any friends. You just use ManBearPig as a way to get attention for yourself because you're a loser!
- Al Gore: Yeah, right. The man that singlehandedly killed ManBearPig is a loser.
- Al Gore: I am here to educate you about the single biggest threat to our planet. You see, there is something out there which threatens our very existence, and may be the end to the human race as we know it. I'm talking, of course, about ManBearPig. It is a creature which roams the Earth alone. It is half man, half bear, and half pig. Some people say that ManBearPig isn't real. Well, I'm here to tell you now, ManBearPig is very real, and he most certainly exists. I'm cereal. ManBearPig doesn't care who you are or what you've done. ManBearPig simply wants to get you. I'm super cereal. But have no fear, because I am here to save you. And someday, when the world is rid of ManBearPig, everyone will say, "Thank you, Al Gore! You're super awesome!" The end.
- Al Gore: I'm super cereal.
- Al Gore: Why does nobody believe that I'm cereal?
- Cave Ranger: Okay, fellow tourists. Here in this cave we can see some stalagmites and stalactites. Over here we have the "Hanging Mushroom" [shows penis made out of rock], and this one we call "Man with Helmet and Two Bowling Balls" [shows penis and testicle combo], and over here we have "the Two Sisters." [shows two penis & testicle combos]
Tsst (10.07)
- Cartman: I just...I really need the support of my best friend right now.
- Jimmy: Who's your best friend?
- Cartman: You are, Jimmy! We've always been best friends! We know everything about each other!
- Jimmy: What's my last name?
- Cartman: [pause] Goddamn it.
- Cartman: Goddamn it, Mom! I'm your son and you will listen to me!
- Cesar Millan: TSST!
- Cartman: Alright, I'll stay with Kenny. Let's go, man.
- Kenny: Fuck you.
- Stella: I'm serious. Let's put down the video game and go to the kitchen.
- Cartman: [in British accent] No thanks, I'd rather naught.
- Stella: It's the time-out stool. You can't get down until the time is up.
- Cartman: [looks at her, then hops off the stool] Whoa, how did I do that?
- Cartman: You're sterile, is that it? No, that's too convenient of an excuse. The truth is, nobody ever wanted to have babies with you. Isn't that it? Always the mom's maid and never the mom? Must be hard on you, knowing that the years are ticking away, your friends all getting married, and all the while your uterus is slowly shriveling away, drying up, becoming totally worthless.
- Stella: [horrified] Why, you...you LITTLE BASTARD! How dare you?!
- Liane: [calmly] Eric, naughty.
- Stella: [picking Cartman up by the collar] What kind of monster would--
- Cartman: Yes, let the anger come! Strike me down while you can! But it won't make your dried-up ovaries any more fertile!
- Stella: That's it! I'm not doing this!
- Liane: Oh, but we really need some help.
- Stella: Find yourself another nanny... television show!
[At the Slater-Carey Mental Hospital; three days later]
- Doctor: I'm afraid Supernanny is in a deep state of mental psychosis.
- Liane: What do you mean?
- Doctor: I mean, she spends most of her time sobbing and eating her own excrement.
- [They look into room 23A, where Super nanny Jo is fishing poop out of her toilet and eating it]
- Jo: From hell! It's from heeell!
- Cartman: SUCK MY FUCKING ASSHOLE TACO BENDER!!!!
- Cartman: What the hell is this?! Skinless chicken, boiled vegetables and salad? This is just like Auschwitz!
- Cartman: Yes! I've lost almost ten pounds now. You see what I mean? I totally know how it felt to be a Jew in the Holocaust now!
- Cartman: Stop trying to Bogart my Xbox, you fat bitch!
- Liane: And then we'll go to Target, and...I'll buy you a Mega Ranger?
- Cartman: Could I have...two Mega Rangers?
- Liane: You can have anything you want, dear.
- [camera focuses on Cartman and Damien music plays]
Make Love, Not Warcraft (10.08)
- Cartman: [as a dwarf warrior] Aw, dude! I just took the biggest crap! Hey, where are you guys?
- Kyle: [as a female human mage] We're over here, by the cart!
- Cartman: [approaches] Okay, I'm back.
- Stan: [as a human warrior] Dude! We've been waiting forever!
- Cartman: Well, I'm sorry, I had to take a shit!
- Kyle: If you didn't eat so much, you wouldn't have diarrhea all the time, fatass!
- Cartman: Hey, I don't need to take any lip from a fuckin' girl!
- Kenny: [as a human hunter; muffled] I think Kyle has sweet titties! [laughs]
- Cartman: Heh heh, totally!
- [the Rogue player kills Kenny]
- Stan: Oh my God! He killed Kenny!
- Kyle: You... bastard!
- Randy: Stan! Stan!
- Stan: Hang on, guys. My dad wants something.
- Randy: Stan!
- Stan: WHAT?!
- Randy: You've been on your computer all weekend! Shouldn't you go out and socialize with your friends?
- Stan: I AM socializing, retard! I'm logged onto an MMORPG with people from all over the world and getting XP with my party using team speak!
- Randy: [long pause] I'm not a retard...
- Kyle: Wow, look at all these people playing right now!
- Cartman: Yeah, it's bullcrap. I bet half of these people are Koreans!
- Jim: I've got to get home! My kids are playing World of Warcraft right now!
- Rob Pardo: Jim, your kid's characters are already dead.
- Jim: No! They only just started playing!
- Rob Pardo: Whoever this person is, he's played World of Warcraft nearly every hour of every day for the past two years. Gentlemen, we are dealing with someone here who has absolutely no life.
- Blizzard Executive: How do you kill that which has no life?
- Nelson: Randy, working on that sediment analysis?
- Randy: Not now, Nelson. I just joined a big party of Night Elves and we're on a mission to explore the Tower of Azora together.
- Nelson: Is that a computer game?
- Randy: No, retard, it's an MMORPG. These are real people I'm playing with. See, I'm a hunter, level two. I can chat with all these other people, and check it out, I can even wave to this guy here. [waves to another player, who waves back] In the outside world, I'm a simple geologist, but in here...I am Valkor, defender of the Alliance. I have braved the Fargo-deep mines and defeated the Blood Fish at Jarod's La--
- [The Rogue walks up behind Valkor and stabs him unexpectedly]
- Nelson: Looks like that guy just killed you. [walks away]
- Randy: What? Why? WHY?!
- Cartman: If you had a chance right now to go back in time and stop Hitler, would you do it? I mean, I personally wouldn't stop him because I think he was awesome, but YOU would, right?
- Clyde: I'm just going to stop playing.
- Cartman: When Hitler rose to power, there were a lot of people who just stopped playing. You know who those people were? The French. Are you French, Clyde?
- Clyde: No.
- Cartman: Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, Clyde?
- Clyde: Okay, alright, I'll do it!
- Blizzard Executive: We can't give the Sword of a Thousand Truths to a noob!
- Randy: Stan! Stan!
- Stan: Dad, not now!
- Randy: Stan, I've been sent here...to give you THIS. [holds up the Sword of 1000 Truths] This sword will completely drain his mana!
- Stan: How did you get that?!
- Randy: No time! Just take it! Here!
- [long pause]
- Randy: Um, how do you hand items from one player to another?
- Stan: Bring up your inventory screen, Ctrl-I!
- Randy: Okay...
- Cartman: Stan, what the hell are you doing?!
- Stan: [receives sword] I got it!
- [The Rogue kills Randy]
- Stan: Dad!
- Randy: [weakly] Staaaan...
- Stan: [to The Rogue] You killed my father. [strikes him] YAHHH!
- Cartman: His shield and armor spells are down! Attack!
- [Kenny shoots the Rouge with an arrow; Kyle brings him down with a fireball; Cartman approaches)
- Cartman: Looks like you're about to get pwned. RAAAHHH! [smashes The Rogue's head in with his hammer]
- Butters: I don't play World of Warcraft.
- Cartman: Butters, you said you were on your computer all the time.
- Butters: Yeah, but I'm playing Hello Kitty: Island Adventure.
- [long pause]
- Cartman: [sighs] Butters, go buy World of Warcraft, install it on your computer and join the online sensation before we all murder you.
- Butters: Oh...alright then.
- Cartman: Prepare to charge! Scroll over him with your mouse cursors and...right click!
- Rob Pardo: Gentlemen, this could very well be the end of the World...of Warcraft.
- Developer: No... NOOOOO!
- Rob Pardo: I don't have a World of Warcraft account, do you?
- Mike: No, I have a life!
- Cartman: [all have died after attempting to outnumber and overpower The Rogue Player, with only Cartman's character left alive] No! Leave me alone! Don't do this! [The Rouge kills him and jumps around the fallen players as if he's taunting them. Cut to an enraged Cartman]
- Cartman: [throws off his headset in fury] GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!
- Cartman: Alright, major stone shield potions... should be... oh God, I'm gonna have diarrhea again. Aaaaagh... doo!
- Stan: You can't go to the bathroom, you're stacking sunder armor!
- Cartman: It's okay. [over intercom] Mom! Bathroom!
- Liane: What, hon?
- Cartman: Bathroom! Bathroom!
- [Liane comes down to the basement and holds a bedpan under her son's ass. Cartman takes down his pants and out comes a spattering stream of shit. Some of it ends up on the floor, some on Liane's blouse and trousers]
- Liane: Ooh, that's a big boy, isn't he? [exits with the poop-filled bedpan]
- Cartman: Alright, Kenny, drink your elixir of the mongoose. I'm now going to use mocking blow.
- [having saved the World of Warcraft by playing the game non-stop for several months after defeating The Rogue Player]
- Cartman: We did it, you guys. We're totally heroes.
- Kyle: That was such über pwnage.
- Stan: I can't believe it's all over. What do we do now?
- Cartman: What do you mean? Now we can finally play the game.
- Kyle: Oh, yeah.
- Cartman: Okay, Kenny, route Eye of the Beast to your hotbar.
- Stan: Got it.
Mystery of the Urinal Deuce (10.09)
- Kyle: [after the conspiracy is blown] So who caused 9/11?
- Stan: What do you mean? A bunch of pissed-off Muslims.
- Hardly Boy: Yeah, what are you, retarded?
- [Kyle, Stan, Cartman are arguing over 9/11 conspiracy.]
- Cartman: Kyle, why are you so afraid of the truth?
- Kyle: Because anybody who thinks 9/11 was a conspiracy is a retard!
- Cartman: Oh, really? Well, did you know that over one fourth of people in America think that 9/11 was a conspiracy? Are you saying that one fourth of Americans are retards?!
- Kyle: Yes, I'm saying one fourth of Americans are retards.
- Stan: Yeah, at least one fourth.
- Kyle: Let's take a test sample. [to Cartman] There's four of us. You're a retard. That's one fourth.
- George W. Bush: Shut up! You think we don't know your name? We know everything. We control everything. We've all worked very hard to keep our involvement in 9/11 a secret. But you just had to keep digging.
- Kyle: Really?
- Head of the conspiracy group: You won't get away with it! People know!
- George W. Bush: People, you mean sheep. We have the majority of them kept in blissful ignorance. Just one more leak to fix.
- Head of the conspiracy group: Wait, what are you doing?
- George W. Bush: You've been a thorn in our side for too long, I'm afraid.
- Head of the conspiracy group: No! You can't do this! Please! I'll stop, I'll take down the website!
- George W. Bush: Too late.
- [head of the conspiracy group pleads for his life, then Bush shoots him in the head]
- Stan: Jesus Christ!
- Donald Rumsfeld: Ha ha ha, he died like a pig.
- George W. Bush: Some pigs never learn.
- Kyle: No way.
- Stan: He was right, you did cause 9/11!
- George W. Bush: Yes, quite simple to pull off, really. All I had to do was have explosives planted in the base of the towers, then on 9/11 we pretended like four planes were being hijacked, when really we just rerouted them to Pennsylvania, then flew two military jets into the World Trade Centers filled with more explosives then shot all the witnesses of flight 93 with an F15 after blowing up the Pentagon with a cruise missile. It was only the world's most intricate and flawlessly executed plan, ever, ever.
- Kyle: Really?!
- [Mr. Mackey addresses the boys in the school gym]
- Mr. Mackey: Now you might all think I've given up finding out who crapped in the urinal, m'kay? And maybe, maybe you think it's a victimless crime. [walks up to the school janitor, who's a Latino] This is Mr. Venezuela, the school janitor, m'kay? He's the person who has to clean up when some trickster drops a dook in the wrong toilet! Mr. Venezuela makes six bucks an hour at best, m'kay? He's got three kids at home, he's got a car that barely works, he's gotta clean up puke with sawdust, m'kay? Then he walks into the boys' room and sees a big meaty chud staring him in the face! So when you crapped in that urinal, m'kay, you might as well have just dropped your pants and laid a turd right on Mr. Venezuela's head! [the boys laugh] Oh, you think it's funny, huh?!
- Head of the conspiracy group: You don't understand! The government controls everything! The media, the corporations, they have the power to do anything they want. Here look, read the labels. Go on, read them.
- Kyle: "Code 234."
- Head of the conspiracy group: We think they came from a government office.
- Kyle: What is it?
- Head of the conspiracy group: It's anthrax.
- Police Chief: This is too big a mystery for me, I think we better call in the Hardly Boys!
- Mr. Mackey: Oh no, not the goddamn...m'kay.
- [Hardly Boys Music hits and cut to the Hardly Boys intro video]
- Announcer: The Hardly Boys: two young whippersnappers with a taste for solving mysteries. The Hardly Boys in: The Case of the World Trade Center Conspiracy.
- [Mr. Mackey interrogates Clyde in his office]
- Mr. Mackey: Why, Clyde? Why did you do it?
- Clyde: I dunno. [looks away]
- Mr. Mackey: You got a whole school here, Clyde, m'kay? You got over three hundred people that need to use the boys' room, and you decide you're gonna be a comedian, m'kay, and pinch one off in the urinal, and leave it laying there for everyone to have to look at! [Clyde struggles to contain his laughter] M'kay, m'kay, you think it's funny, but nobody else does! They gotta walk in that bathroom and see your rancid dook propped up against the back of the urinal like a brown ragdoll! [Clyde bursts out laughing]
- Principal Victoria: Mr. Mackey, Clyde's parents are here.
- Mr. Mackey: M'kay, that's good! [to Clyde] Let's see what your mom and dad have to say about your little poop-scapade! [Roger and Betsy appear and enter his office] Come on in, please. I'm just trying to get your son to explain why he would drop a dookie in the urinal!
- [Mr. Mackey addresses the students over the PA system]
- Mr. Mackey: Attention students. Apparently Clyde could not have been the one who crapped in the urinal, because Clyde had a colostomy at age five, m'kay? Now whoever did this unspeakable act is still at large. The boys' bathroom is closed until further notice. 'Cause one of you thought it would be a good idea...to pull down your pants, m'kay... [cut to the hall; all the students there are listening] ...hover your butt cheeks over the urinal... and squeeze out a chocolate hot dog, m'kay? [the students laugh] Oh, you think that's funny, huh?! [cut back to Mr. Mackey] Let me assure you, there is nothing funny...about going up to a nice, clean, unsuspecting urinal... [cut to the gym; the students there have stopped practicing basketball to listen] ...m'kay, dropping your pants and then...turning around...squatting over that urinal...m'kay, maybe, maybe pulling your butt cheeks apart with your hands, m'kay...and then laying out a big fudge dragon for all the world to see. [the gym students laugh] Oh yeah, that's REAL funny! [cut back to Mr. Mackey as he slams the mic down in anger] I'm gonna catch this son of a bitch if it's the last thing I do, m'kay?!
- [Stan cleans the urinal under Mr. Mackey's supervision]
- Mr. Mackey: When you dook in the urinal, it's bad, m'kay? How would you feel if somebody came into your home, m'kay, pulled down their pants and laid a big mud monkey right on your mom's face? [Stan laughs] Oh, you think that's funny, huh?! Yeah, that's REAL funny!
Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy (10.10)
- Cartman: Go with Christ, bro.
- Reporter: Tom, an elementary school teacher is under arrest for allegedly having an affair... with one of her young students. The case is shocking, due mostly to the fact that the teacher... is pretty hot, Tom. If the accusations are true, then... damn!
- Cartman: Hall pass! Show me your hall pass!
- Kid: What?
- [Cartman slams kid up against the lockers pining him in the process]
- Cartman: You know what this is?! [holds up bear mace] This is the mace they use on bears, faggot! Now let me see your hall pass!
- Kid: [holds up hall pass] It's right here.
- Cartman: Alright, cool, bro. Go with Christ. [starts to walk away]
- Kid: What, you can't just push me up against the--
- [Cartman kicks the kid, sending him flying off screen]
- Kyle: [to Stan and Kenny] Guys, can I talk to you?
- Stan: Sure, dude.
- Kyle: I need you to keep quiet about this, alright?
- [Cartman walks up]
- Kyle: My little brother and his teach—-
- Cartman: Bros, it's almost class time. Need ya start clearing the hallways, alright?
- Kyle: Not now, Cartman, I have really serious problems!
- Stan: Dude, what's the matter?
- Kyle: The kindergarten teacher is having sex with my little brother.
- [long silence]
- Stan: Wow.
- Kenny: Really?!
- Cartman: Damn, bro, your lil' brother is pretty cool.
- Kyle: It's not cool! Ike isn't old enough to understand!
- Cartman: What's there to understand? You get a boner, slap her titties around a bit, then stick it inside her and pee.
- [long pause]
- Kyle: [sarcastically] Stick it inside her and pee?
- Cartman: Well, okay, fine, unless you don't want her to get pregnant. Then you pull it out and pee on her leg.
- Stan: Dude, I really don't see a problem.
- Cartman: Yeah, I got bigger things to deal with.
- Kyle: You guys don't understand! His wacko teacher's like a schoolgirl! They pass notes in the classroom, they have sex at her house over lunch break!
- [Cartman starts to walk away]
- Kyle: And during class, they sneak out and kiss in the hallways!
- [Cartman pauses, with an intense look on his face]
- Cartman: They what?
- Kyle: They sneak out during class and make out in the hallways!
- Cartman: [turns around] Hang on a second. Making out in the hallways is strictly against school policy.
- Kyle: Well, they're doing it.
- Cartman: Yeah, well, now it's personal. The hallways are my jurisdiction. If someone's making a hall infraction, they're gonna deal with the Dawg!
- Cartman: [singing]
- The fear of darkness is all around you
- The criminal are on the run
- Now you better bring your hall pass
- I'll take you to the principal office cause I'm the Dawg
- I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg
- The hallway monitor
- Cartman: [singing]
- I got some bad-ass guys to help me
- I only have to pay them fifteen bucks
- If you think you can get away without having a hall pass
- You won't get away from me, 'cause I'm the Dawg
- I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg
- Think you can get away without having a hall pass, think again
- [after Miss Stevenson has killed herself]
- Cartman: Well, once again, the Dawg has prevailed. I hope you've learned kids, that if you don't go with Christ, you could end up just like that splattered bitch down on the pavement.
- Cartman: We can do this the easy way, or we can do it Doggie style.
- Kyle: Hello, my name is Brad. I need to report a crime-anonymously.
- Sgt Yates: Okay, Brad, what's the crime?
- Kyle: I attend South Park Elementary, and one of the teachers is having sex with a student.
- All Policemen: [pause for a moment, then a dramatic uproar] Oh my God! [Sgt Yates and Murphy stand near Kyle, Murphy is holding a notebook]
- Sgt Yates: You did the right thing telling the police, Brad. So who is this teacher? What is his name?
- Kyle: Well, it isn't a guy teacher, it's a woman.
- Sgt Yates: [sounding surprised] A woman? But she's ugly, right?
- Kyle: Well, no, not really. It's the kindergarten teacher, Miss Stephenson.
- Sgt Yates: [even more surprised] The blonde?
- Kyle: Yeah.
- Another policeman: Miss Stephenson is having sex with a student?
- Kyle: Yeah.
- Sgt Yates: Nice. You're sure they've had sex?
- Kyle: Yes.
- Sgt Yates: Has she performed oral sex on him?
- Kyle: I think so.
- Officers: Nice.
- Sgt Yates: Wait, what's the crime?
- Policeman: The crime is she's not doing it with me! [policemen laugh]
- Kyle: Hey! He's totally underage! She's taking advantage of him!
- Sgt Yates: You're right, we're sorry. This is serious. We must find this kid and... give him his "Luckiest Boy in America" medal right away! [policemen laugh again. Kyle screams in frustration and runs off]
- Butters [singing to himself at the urinal]: Hey there, Mr. Wiener, what do you know? Do you have to tinkle, tinkle? Yes, I do think so.
- Cartman: 'Kay, so then, I put my finger up my butthole, right? And I walked up to Kelly Nelson and say, "Do you smell Lemongrass?" And smelled my finger and puked! [laughs] Oh, God, you should've been there.
- Hall Monitor: Eric, I have to report you to the principal's office.
- Cartman: What?! I didn't do anything! Kelly Nelson is a liar!
- Hall Monitor: I've been assigned to take you to the principal's office.
- Cartman: Aw, suck my balls, you ginger Jew rat hall monitor! Punk-ass stoolie! Who the fuck do you think you are?!
(after the teacher says she is an alcoholic)
- Cartman: I don't believe it. She is using the Mel Gibson defense.
- Sgt Murphy: Do we still press charges?
- Sgt Yates: Who are we gonna convict? Johnny Walker?
- Randy: Poor woman, she's a victim. A hot victim.
- Doctor: Was there ever history of sexual abuse in your family?
- Ms. Stevenson: No, but my uncle used to ask me and my twin sister to kiss, and he'd take pictures.
- Doctor: ...Nice.
- Ms. Stevenson: Ike, let's get out of here. They'll never let us be together. I think we should go to Milan, like we talked about.
- Ike: Yaaaaay, Mulan!
- Sgt. Yates: Dammit! Where were all these sexed-up teachers when I was a kid?!
- Kyle: Ike, you need to have a life, have fun! THEN ruin it by having a serious relationship!
Hell on Earth 2006 (10.11)
- Satan's minion: Satan, we have a problem.
- Satan: What?
- Satan's minion: One of the guests has turned up in a Crocodile Hunter costume, and it's really offending some of the other guests.
- Satan: Oh, jeez. [walks across the party to a guest in a Crocodile Hunter outfit with a stingray hanging off his chest] Erm, er, dude, the whole Crocodile Hunter thing, it's just a little soon, you know. I mean, he only died a few weeks ago. It's just not cool. Gotta leave.
- Steve Irwin: But it's me, Satan! Steve Irwin! I am the Crocodile Hunter!
- Satan: Oh. Oh, but then dude, no costume. Sorry, you're going to have to go!
- Steve Irwin: [being dragged away] Wait! I thought we were friends!
- Satan: Oh, hey Sinatra!
- Satan: [having been told his guests don't care about the Acura cake] It's not about them, it's about meeeeeeeeee!
- Satan's minion: Wow, what a jerk.
- Satan: [to crowd] Everybody, I'm sorry. Halloween is for you. It's for all of you who make my life so special. If I don't realize that, then I'm no better than a rich American teenage girl.
- Butters: But dad, Biggie Smalls is gonna bust a cap in my ass!
- Stephen: Well, do you want to get shot or you want to be grounded? [Butters runs back inside up to his room, screaming; to Linda] Honestly, why do you let him watch that darned Black Entertainment Channel?
- Satan: Then at midnight for dessert, I was thinking we could bring out a giant chocolate fondue fountain.
- Hotel owner: Oh yeah. P. Daddy had his birthday here a couple of years back and he had one of those.
- Satan: Oh, screw that, then. I don't want a fondue fountain if P. Daddy had one.
- Satan's minion: Does it matter?
- Satan: Yes, it matters! I don't want to do it if Daddy did it!
- Satan's minion: How about a donut machine?
- Satan: [to hotel owner] Did Daddy do it?
- Hotel owner: Daddy did do it.
- Satan: A full ice cream bar!
- Hotel owner: Daddy did it.
- Satan: Damn it, what didn't Daddy do?!
Go God Go (10.12)
- Sea Otter (Leader of Allied Atheist Alliance): Science darn you, Unified Atheist Alliance!
- Sea Otter (Leader of Allied Atheist Alliance): Know this, time child! I shall smash your skull like a clam on my tummy!
- Sea Otter (Leader of Allied Atheist Alliance): I shall personally kill the time child, and eat his entrails on my tummy!
- Ms. Garrison: I'm not a monkey! I'm a woman.
- Kyle: [to Cartman] Yeah, I hate you, but I'm not going to help kill you!
- Cartman: I thought you were my friends! I guess I was wrong! After all we've been through together, you guys won't even help me freeze myself!
- Cartman: Okay, how long until the Nintendo Wii comes out?
- Stan: It's still three weeks.
- Cartman: Oh, God! [pause] Okay, how long is it now?
- Kyle: Will you shut up already?
- Ms. Garrison: Okay, children, it is now my job to teach you the theory of evolution.
- Butters: Oh, boy!
- Ms. Garrison: Now, I, for one, think that evolution is a bunch of bullcrap, but I'm told I have to teach it anyway. It was thought up by Charles Darwin and it goes something like this. In the beginning we were all fish, okay, swimming around in the water. And then one day a couple of fish had a retard baby, and the retard baby was different, so it got to live. So retard fish goes on to make more retard babies, and then one day a retard baby fish crawled out of the ocean with its mutant fish hands, and it had buttsex with a squirrel or something, and made this...retard frog-squirrel, and then that had a retard baby which was a monkey-fish-frog, and then this monkey-fish-frog had butt-sex with that monkey, that monkey had a mutant retard baby that screwed another monkey, and that made you. So there you go. You're the retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt-sex with a fish-squirrel. Congratulations!
- Cartman: Arrrghh! I can't take it anymore! [runs of screaming]
- Ms. Garrison: Yeah, you see? I knew that would happen.
- Ms. Garrison: [ringing a triangle] Uh-oh, retard alert!
- EV Games Employee: [to Cartman] Look, kid, for the 40th time: pacing in front of the store isn't going to make the Wii come any faster.
- Ms. Garrison: And if I'm a monkey, then I might as well act like a monkey, huh? [starts acting like a monkey, then pulls down her pants and starts pooping into her hand]
- Richard Dawkins: What on Earth are you doing?
- Ms. Garrison: Don't ask me, I'm a fucking monkey! [throws feces at Dawkins's face]
Go God Go XII (10.13)
- United Atheist League member: Our answer to the Great Question is the only logical one. Our Science is great. Let us not forget the great Richard Dawkins who finally freed the world of religion long ago. Dawkins knew that logic and reason were the way of the future, but it wasn't until he met his beautiful wife that he learned using logic and reason isn't enough. You have to be a dick to everyone who doesn't think like you.
- Repeated line: Science damn it!
- [Richard Dawkins runs out of Mrs. Garrison's house after discovering she is a post-op trans woman]
- Ms. Garrison: Fine then! Go ahead and leave, you atheist faggot! Have fun mocking God in hell, you queer!
- K-10: Bark-bark. Hello, Eric, I have missed you.
- Cartman: Suck my balls, K-10. I'm not in the mood.
- The Wise One: Maybe some otters do need to believe in something. Who knows, maybe just believing in God...makes God exist. [thoughtful, solemn pause]
- Sea Otters: Kill the Wise One! KILL THE WISE ONE!
- [The Wise One is slaughtered by a mob of otters]
- Sea Otter (Leader of Allied Atheist Alliance): Kill the table-eaters, IN THE NAME OF ALMIGHTY SCIENCE!
- Clerk: Hey kid, somebody's on the phone for you.
- Cartman: Hello?
- Cartman (2546): [on phone] Hello? Hello?
- [cut to 2546, where Cartman and others are floating on purple bubbles, while using the Crank Prank Time Phone]
- Cartman (2546): I know what you're thinking! Do not do it! You just need to be patient and wait for two months. Do you hear me?
- [back to 2006, Cartman is now reluctant]
- Cartman: Aw, suck my balls, Kyle. [ends call, gives phone back to clerk and leaves]
Stanley's Cup (10.14)
- [the county official takes out a record player and it begins playing a bass rhythm]
- County official: Stan Marsh is a bright young man. He's got a great family, a promising paper route. Only problem is... [record scratch] ...his bike's been impounded! But now, he's about to find out that getting his bike back isn't so easy!
- County official: Stan Marsh is a washed-up fourth grader. He's got no job, no bicycle And his only way out is to coach... [record scratch] ...a pee-wee hockey team! And now, he's about to find out that to coach, you've got to grow.
- County official: Stan Marsh is always lived a carefree life. But in the blink of an eye, what seemed important before can all be put in prospective. Stan Marsh is...bumming on Cancer.
- Number 8: Coach, I have to go potty!
- Stan: Alright, fine, go ahead.
- Number 8: By myself?
- Stan: Just hold it a while, okay?
- Number 7: What does "passing" mean?
- Stan: When you shoot the puck to another player!
- Number 15: My mommy says I'm as big as the sky!
- Number 3: Coach, Morgan spit on my foot!
- Number 6 (Morgan): I did NOT!
- Stan: Alright, alright! SHUT UP!
- Number 6: Coach, please don't let us lose to Adams County. My daddy will beat me again.
- Randy Marsh: Your mother's been worried sick! And I've been watching TV.
- Randy Marsh: Have you forgotten what happened all those years ago? Or are you just trying to make up for it?
- Stan: [frustrated] What are you talking about?
- Randy Marsh: Your pee-wee hockey game! At the Pepsi Center? In-between periods of the Colorado Avalanche?
- Stan: I remember going to Shakey's afterwards...
- Dr. Doctor: That kid's got as much hope as Steve Irwin in a tank full of stingrays.
- Parent: No, I'm just his father. But you are his coach. You're like a father to him.
- Randy Marsh: And Stan, don't forget: win or lose...that's the only choices you have. Win or lose.
Season 11
South Park: Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 | Bigger, Longer & Uncut | Specials: The Streaming Wars, Joining the Panderverse, (Not Suitable for Children), The End of Obesity
South Park (1997–present) is an adult animated television series created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado.
- Randy: Oh, all right, I'd like to solve the puzzle: ...Niggers!
- Principal Victoria: Stacy, go ahead and send in Eric Cartman.
- [Cartman enters the room and starts laughing as uncontrollably as he did before at Dr. Nelson]
- Principal Victoria: Eric, Mr. Nelson is concerned about how you react to little people.
- Cartman: Oh, oh- did I hurt his little feelings? Ha ha ha!
- Dr. Nelson: You know, you think you have the power to make me insecure, but your words are actually completely powerless.
- Cartman: Oh-oh-oh-oh! If we could get, like, 8 of these, we can dress them all up like little beavers, right? And then put them in a pond, and see if they build a dam!
- Dr. Nelson [as Cartman continues laughing at him]: You see? No matter what you say, I'm still standing!
- Cartman: Barely!
- Dr. Nelson: No matter how you act, I can rise above it!
- Cartman: "Rise above it!" Get it?
- Dr. Nelson: [his face is now blushing in anger] SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!
- Principal Victoria: Mr. Nelson!
- Dr. Nelson [as Cartman laughs at him again]: He didn't get to me. I was just joking.
- Cartman: Look, look how his face is all red. He's like a little strawberry.
- Dr. Nelson: Arrgh!
- Stan: I get it now. After that little person talked the other day, I understand how you feel about somebody saying the N-word.
- Token: So black people are midgets?
- Stan: Goddamn it!
- Token: Jesse Jackson is not the emperor of black people!
- [Token walks away; long pause]
- Stan: He told my dad he was.
- Kids: [after Cartman enters the gym] Hello, fatso.
- Cartman: Ey! What the hell is that? You think that's fucking funny?! Kyle, did you put everyone up to this? I bet you did! What the hell is going on?
- Dr. Nelson: Now you know how it feels.
- [Cartman starts laughing again]
- Dr. Nelson: You better shut up or I'm gonna kick your ass!
- Cartman: All right, all right, who is the freaking genius who dressed it up in little suspenders? Clyde, was that you?
- Randy: Words with venom, words that bind, Words used like weapons to cloud my mind./I'm a person, I'm a man, but no matter how I try,/People just say, "Hey! There's that Nigger Guy."/Everywhere I go it's always the same,/Everyone just thinks of me as that one single name./"Hey Nigger Guy!" "Nigger Guy!" "Hi Nigger Guy!" Stop!/Now go, call me Nigger Guy, fill me with your hate,/Try to bring me down, boop bop you're too late./When will it end? Will there ever be a time/Where I can be thought of as more than just Nigger Guy? [Pause] Respect.
Cartman Sucks [11.2]
- Cartman: You guys, I got it! Seriously, it's the greatest picture ever! Oh my God!
- Stan: Whatcha do to Butters this time?
- Cartman: It was genius! I waited 'til he was totally asleep, right? And then I got my camera, and I pulled down his pants, and then I took a picture of his wiener in my mouth! [cracks up]
- Stan: Dude!
- Cartman: I know, I know. Check it out. Look. [the other three crowd in and look at the picture] I got his whole wiener in my mouth, see? Ha ha. Oh man, I got him good!
- Stan: Dude, how is putting Butters's wiener in his mouth getting him?
- Cartman: Because that makes Butters gay now!
- Kyle: No, dude, that makes you gay!
- Cartman: Uh, what?
- Kyle: You put a guy's wiener in your mouth, that makes you gay, stupid!
- Cartman: [looks more closely at the picture] Uh-uh.
- Kyle: Yeah-huh!
- Cartman: Kenny, that doesn't make me gay, huh?
- Kenny: Ha ha, that makes you very fucking gay.
- Cartman: But I'm not--I'm not gay, you guys!
- Stan: You are now.
- Cartman: No--no, it was a stupid mistake!
- Kyle: Doesn't matter. You're gay now.
- Cartman: No, it was just for a second! [puts the picture away] What-what can I do? How-how can I reverse this?
- Stan: You can't!
- Kyle: No--no wait. I-I know how you can reverse it, Cartman.
- Cartman: How?
- Kyle: The only way you can cancel it out is to get Butters to put your wiener in his mouth.
- Cartman: [in low voice] Really?
- Kyle: Yeah. Then it cancels out the gay polarity.
- [long silence]
- Cartman: Shoot, I gotta find Butters! [runs off]
- Kyle: Idiot.
- [Butters is playing with his toys]
- Butters: [singing] Loo loo loo, I've got some apples, loo loo loo, you've got some too. Loo loo loo...
- [Cartman enters the room]
- Cartman: Butters.
- Butters: Whoa, hey, Eric.
- Cartman: Butters, guess what? I have a surprise for you.
- Butters: A surprise? What is it?
- Cartman: It's so buckskin awesome. You're gonna be so stoked. It's the best surprise ever!
- Butters: Oh, boy!
- Cartman: You ready?
- Butters: Y-yeah!
- Cartman: Okay! Just open your mouth and close your eyes and--and get on your knees!
- [Butters closes his eyes, opens his mouth, and gets on his knees]
- Butters: Oh, okay!
- [Cartman grabs a bandanna from his back pocket and makes a blindfold from it, then puts it on Butters]
- Cartman: Hang on a second here. [makes sure the blindfold is on snugly]
- Butters: How come, uh, I can't see?
- Cartman: 'Cause then it wouldn't be a surprise, would it? [rushes off to get the toy box]
- Butters: Oh, uh, ho, yeah.
- Cartman: [under his breath] All right, that's good. [undoes his pants] Okay, open your mouth, Butters. [lowers them] That's good, just like that.
- Butters: [warily] Hey. Hey wait a minute. This ain't a trick, is it? You're not gonna, eh, stick something yucky in my mouth, are ya?
- [Pause]
- Cartman: I swear on my mother's life, Butters, I am not going to stick anything yucky in your mouth. [lifts up his shirt to show his massive gut]
- Butters: Okay!
- Cartman: All right, you ready? [grabs Butters's head and draws it closer to his penis] All right just--okay, open, uh, okay, okay, here it comes. Just sit very still, okay? Here we go.
- [the door opens and Butters's dad enters]
- Steven Stotch: Butters!
- Cartman: Uh! [dresses quickly]
- Butters: Whoa! Hey, Dad!
- [Cartman steps down from the toy box and runs away]
- Steven Stotch: Butters! What are you doing?!
- Butters: I'm getting a surprise! [points to his mouth]
- Steven Stotch: Oh my God! My, my only son, reduced to this! [takes the blindfold off of Butters]
- Butters: [looks around] Hey. Where did Eric go?
- Steven Stotch: [quite concerned, on ended knee] Butters, how long have you been doing stuff like this?
- Butters: Like what?
- Steven Stotch: Don't lie to me, Butters! I know your secret now! No, wait, wait. It's okay. It's okay, Butters. This isn't a serious problem. You're just bi-curious.
- Butters: What's...bi-curious?
- Steven Stotch: You are. Just harmless curiosity, and it doesn't mean anything. We just need to get you some help, Butters.
- [Butters' mom appears at the doorway]
- Linda Stotch: What's going on, you two?
- Butters: Nothing, Mom, I'm just a little bi-curious. [smiles]
- [Cartman is trying to retrieve the picture of Butters's penis in Cartman's mouth, but it's nowhere to be found. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are playing basketball at the community park]
- Stan: Aw, man, I've got H.O.R.S. now. [steps aside as Kenny receives the ball]
- Kyle: Okay, my turn. [Kenny gives him the ball and Kyle prepares to shoot. Cartman approaches the park behind him]
- Cartman: Where is it, you filthy Jew?!
- Kyle: [throws up the ball] Where's what?
- Cartman: [grabs Kyle by the collar and shakes him violently] You know goddamn well what!
- Kyle: Let go of me!
- Stan: What the hell are you doing, Cartman?
- Cartman: I went home to alter the picture of me with Butters' penis in my mouth to look like Kyle, but it was gone! [shakes Kyle again] What did you do with my picture?!
- Kyle: Knock it off! I don't have your stupid picture!
- Cartman: [rolls up his sleeves] Give it back, Kyle!
- Kyle: I don't have it!
- Cartman: [stretches his arms left and right, then up and down] I swear to God, Kyle, if you don't give it back right now, [puts up his fists as if to box] I'm gonna break your fucking Jew legs right here.
- Kyle: Shut up.
- Cartman: You shut up! You're lying, [points an accusing finger at Stan and Kenny] and you two are covering up for him! You know what? You're just like Jews yourselves! [points to Stan] Stan, you're a Jew, [points to Kenny] and Kenny, you're a Jew! You're all Jews!
- [Kyle punches him on the right arm once, firmly]
- Cartman: Ow! [puts his left hand over his right arm] Ow! Aaargh! [grimaces, turns around, and runs out of the park, screaming]
- [Butters and Bradley, his roommate at church camp, are writing verses after Bradley got them in trouble]
- Bradley: Butters, I'm sorry for getting you into trouble.
- Butters: Aw, that's okay, Bradley.
- Bradley: I really want to get better. I do everything the counselors say, but somehow I still feel confused.
- Butters: Yeah, well, hopefully when we finish these verses, we won't be bi-curious no more and then we can go home!
- Bradley: You're really terrific, Butters. I mean, I think you're great. [smiles, then pauses, horrified] Uh oh! OH, GOD! Bad thoughts! Bad thoughts! [jumps out of chair, panicked]
- Butters: What's the matter?
- Bradley: I-I think I...I think I like you.
- Butters: Well, I like you too, Bradley!
- Bradley: YOU DO?! You like-like me?!
- Butters: Sure, Bradley! I like-like you a lot-lot! Hahaha!
- Bradley: Oh god! We're both unfix-able!
Lice Capades [11.3]
- Mrs. Garrison: All right, students, let's take our seats. Apparently we have a little problem here at the school which we need to talk about.
- Cartman: Ah, yes. [points to Kyle] You mean the Jew problem. Good, good. I'm glad we're going to finally do something about it.
- Cartman: We all know the only person who can spread the lice here is Kenny and the Jew.
- Kenny: What?! Fuck you!
- [Clyde is in the waiting room awaiting treatment for his lice]
- Girl: I have an ear infection. What are you here for?
- Clyde: I have...I have AIDS.
- [Kenny's parka is pulled off and thrown away, leaving only his underpants]
- Cartman: All right, Kenny, you know what has to happen. Sock bath! Everyone wash Kenny with the soap and dry him off with the socks! [the students attack Kenny]
- Kenny: [unmuffled] No, no, not the socks! No!
The Snuke [11.4]
- Hillary Clinton: What is going on, Brian?
- Brian: Ms. Clinton, it appears that terrorists have suck a snuke up your sniz.
- Hillary Clinton: [fanning face] Oh my.
- Brian: What can we do? Can we disable the timer?
- Alan Thompson: It won't have a timer. Snukes are detonated remotely. Whoever our terrorist is has the detonator with him.
- Brian: But then that means--
- Alan Thompson: Yes. If we don't find that detonator, everyone in the town of South Park is going to die. Forever.
- Cartman: Do you know what this is? This is apple juice! It gives me super bad farts!
- Homeland Security Head: Ferris, set up over there. Two of you can take that bed area.
- Kyle: Hey!
- Homeland Security Head: Donner, take over that station.
- Kyle: What's going on?
- Homeland Security Head: This department is being absorbed by Homeland Security.
- Kyle: Homeland Security?
- Homeland Security Head: Look, your little game of going over people's heads is over. You can still work, but from now on, you answer to me. You got that?
- FBI Head: Excuse me, who's in charge here?
- Homeland Security Head: I am.
- FBI Head: Yeah, well, not anymore you're not. This department has just been assigned to the FBI.
- Homeland Security Head: That's outrageous! On whose orders?
- FBI Head: On order of the Secretary of Defense. You had your shot, now I'm in charge.
- ATF Head: Not anymore you're not. Orders just came down from Central. They want ATF handling this on all fronts. All right, people, from now on, you're answering to me.
- President's Staff Head: Not anymore they're not. Orders from the President. He wants this handled by his staff personally. Now Nelson is in charge.
- Nelson: Not anymore I'm not! [awkward silence]
- Staff Assistant: Sir, these kids are right. We've just received intel that Russian terrorists are believed to be responsible for the threat.
- Staff Head: Where's the intel from?
- Staff Assistant: We just read it on Drudge Report.
- Staff Head: We do this my way! I'm the one in charge!
- Kyle: [pauses] Not anymore you're not.
- Staff Head: Oh, snap. [walks off, depressed]
- Alan Thompson: The game is over! Get down on the ground!
- Vladimir Stolfsky: How did they find us?
- Alan Thompson: We know about everything. Your diversion to help the redcoats is over.
- Vladimir Stolfsky: It doesn't matter. The detonator is on a timer. You are too late. In 3 minutes--
- [power outage]
- Vladimir Stolfsky: What the hell?
- SWAT Team Member: The power went out.
- Alan Thompson: So then what time is it?
- [power returns and clock is stuck on 12:00:00]
- Vladimir Stolfsky: Oh, crap!
Fantastic Easter Special [11.5]
- [Cartman on Easter Bunny's lap in the mall]
- Cartman: ...and I want a Baltor soldier doll for Easter, and 5 crash-and-go RC cars, you got that? DO YOU HAVE THAT?!
- Easter Bunny: Uh...don't you think that's....
- Cartman: No! No! You don't ask me questions! You are a rabbit. I am a human. If you don't bring me what I want for Easter, I can buckskin kill you!
- [camerawoman takes a picture of Cartman and Easter Bunny. Cartman leaves]
- Cartman: [happily] Bye, Easter Bunny!
- Easter Bunny: Oh my God!
- [Ninjas enter Professor Teabag's mansion and sneak up behind the butler, who is polishing silver. The butler senses and turns to see them]
- Butler: MR. TEABAG, GET OUT!
- [ninjas kill him]
- Stan: They found me!
- Prof. Teabag: Boys, get out of here. [opens a window and lets Stan and Kyle down a ladder] Head to the woods, I'll try to buy you some time. [goes over to table and gets a box of marshmallow peeps]
- Ninja: [distantly] Check upstairs! [Teabag puts peeps into oven] Kitchen's clear, try the office! [Teabag sets oven for 15 seconds. Ninja bursts through the door] In here... [follows and notices peeps in oven] What's that? [peeps swell in oven as microwave ticks down. Teabag closes his eyes] PEEEEPS!
- [oven explodes; explosion kills Teabag and ninjas and destroys mansion]
- [In a Vatican Holding Cell]
- Jesus: We have no choice, Kyle, You're going to have to kill me.
- Kyle: What?!
- Jesus: Stab me with this. [shows Kyle the nail file] If I die, I can resurrect outside the bars.
- Kyle: No way! Do it yourself.
- Jesus: Suicide is blasphemy. There's no choice here, Kyle.
- Kyle: Dude, you don't understand. I'm a Jew. I have a few hang-ups about killing Jesus.
- Jesus: Just make it quick, through the neck. I'll rise again immediately.
- Kyle: Don't make me do this.
- Jesus: My son, there is no time. Do it.
- Kyle: Eric Cartman can never know about this.
- Jesus: I understand. And Kyle...Happy Easter.
- Kyle: Happy Easter, Jesus. [stabs Jesus in neck]
- [Jesus makes dying noises and runs around cell bleeding to death]
- Kyle: Jesus?
D-Yikes! [11.6]
- [Mrs. Garrison defends a lesbian bar, called "Les Bos", from a Persian takeover]
- Mrs. Garrison: Would you allow straight people in? Men?!
- Persian Messenger: Well, we would allow whoever--
- Mrs. Garrison: Choose your next words carefully, Persian!
- Persian Messenger: Look, pal, we don't have to offer you anything, so...I don't know why you're being so difficult. This is crazy!
- Mrs. Garrison: No. This isn't crazy. This...is..."Les Bos"!
- [Mrs. Garrison kicks the Persian Messenger in the balls, in slow motion. The Persian Messenger screams in slow-motion agony]
- Fellow Messenger: How dare you!
- [Mrs. Garrison twists her body in slow motion a la Oracle Girl from 300]
- Mrs. Garrison: I saw the way you were looking at me. Scissoring me with your eyes.
- Mrs. Garrison: Mayor, this is an outrage! We are being discriminated against as lesbians!
- Mayor McDaniels: You're a lesbian now?
- Mrs. Garrison: Children, I have to tell you something that you might find shocking. [sighs] I'm gay.
- Stan: Again?
- Mrs. Garrison: I know you're actually a woman.
- Xerxes: How...? How did you find that out?
- Mrs. Garrison: I hired Mexicans to spy on you! They saw you working out at Curves.
- Xerxes: You don't understand. Women can't be the boss in Persian culture. Nobody can know about this.
Night of the Living Homeless [11.7]
- Cartman: [jumps off his skateboard] Yes! I did it! [tosses his helmet away] I jumped over the homeless! Yes!
- Kenny: Yes!
- Stan: That was a sweet idea, Kyle.
- Kyle: Goddammit, that wasn't my idea!
- Randy: Waghh! I don't have any more change! [makes his way through the crowd of bums] Nooo! I don't have any change! I don't have any chaaange! [disappears under the sea of homeless people]
- Chris Swollenballs: In the meantime, South Park citizens are being advised to stay indoors and protect their change.
- Bum 9: [appears behind him in the newsroom] Spare some change?
- Chris Swollenballs: What the...? You can't be in here.
- Bum 9: Ya got any change, sir?
- Chris Swollenballs: No I don't have any change. How did he get in here?
- Bum 10: Chaaaaange?
- Chris Swollenballs: No, please. I don't have any change. Honest, I don't. I don't have any-- [PLEASE STAND BY screen pops up, station goes off the air]
- Gerald: Don't have any change. Don't have any change. Dammit! All right, you want change? Here. [reaches into his left pocket and tosses some change off to his left] There! There's some change. All right, a little bit. [reaches into his right pocket and tosses some change off to his right] There you go. Take the change. [leaves, but stops himself] Oh wait. Wait, now I don't have any change left for the bus. Hold on. Can I just get back some of that change, please?
- Bum 12: Change, sir?
- Gerald: Can I have just a little change for the bus, please? I need a little--anybody have some change? Change? Got any change? [Randy follows Gerald through his binoculars] Change. Change? [Randy lowers his binoculars in horror]
- Steven: What happened?
- Randy: [closes his eyes] He's become one of them.
- Steve: Oh, God. One of them is a war veteran. [more knocking] We're gonna have to give him some change.
- Homeless Advisor: They feed on our change. They need it in order to keep them moving.
- Bum 14: Is that...is that some spare change?
- Homeless Advisor: Somehow they're able to take our change and turn it into nourishment, sustenance.
- Bum 14: Spare some of that change, sir?
- Homeless Advisor: But now watch. [drops some coins into the bum's cup and walks back to the boys; the bum rattles his cup a bit]
- Bum 14: Spare some change?
- Homeless Advisor: It has already completely forgotten that I've given it change. It just wants more, change. Look over here. [heads to his left and the boys follow] This one I've kept deprived of change for over three days.
- Bum 15: Chaaaaange?
- Kyle: What's it doing?
- Homeless Advisor: It's dying.
- Cartman: Cool.
- [Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman fall in the sewer]
- Cartman: Aw, God, it really smells like Kenny's house down here.
- Kenny: Stop backing talking about my house!
- Cartman: Whoa, Kenny, relax, dude. We need to work together.
- Homeless Woman: Spare any change, sir?
- Cartman: No! Back off! [slams the door]
- Kyle: Hi. [bum turns around to look at him] I've uh, I've been saving up for a new Xbox game, but but I think you could use the money a lot more than I could. [bum stares] Listen, I...I want you to take this. It's $20. [gives the money to the bum, backs up and smiles]
- Bum: ...Got any more?
- Kyle: [smile disappears] No, that's--I thought that was a lot.
- Bum: [turns away and takes a few steps away from Kyle] Spare any change?
- Kyle: You're welcome. [turns and walks away while looking at the ground in shock]
- [Randy is walking down the sidewalk]
- Bum 1: Spare some change?
- Randy: No, sorry, I don't have any change.
- Bum 2: Got any change?
- Randy: No, sorry. [bum follows him]
- Bum 3: Can you spare some change?
- [Randy looks over his shoulder at the bum, speechless, continues walking and bumps into a bum in front of him]
- Bum 4: Chaaaange?
- Randy: Agh! I don't have any change! [bums begin to surround him]
- Bum 5: Change?
- Randy: No!
- Bum 6: Chaaange?
- [Randy runs off]
- Bum 7: Spare some change?
- Randy: Leave me alone, I don't have any change!
- Bum 7: All right, God bless you, sir.
- Randy: Aw, now I feel bad! Here! [runs back and puts some change in the cup] Ahhh! [runs off due to the bums following him]
- Bums: [following Randy] Chaaaange, chaaaaange!
- Bum 7: Spare some change?
- Randy: I just gave you change!
- Stan: We're not having Cartman jump over more homeless people.
- Kyle: [angrily] That wasn't my idea!
- Stan: [to Kyle after Cartman has jumped over three homeless people] Honestly, I don't know what you see in this, Kyle.
- Christine: [horribly burned and missing her lips, holding a shotgun] DENNIS!
- Dennis: Christine!
- Christine: You son of a bitch! You tried to burn me!
- Dennis: I had to, Christine, you were homeless!
- Christine: No, I wasn't homeless, you stupid asshole!
- Dennis: I have no idea what you're saying!
- Christine: Yeah, because you burned my lips off!
- Dennis: I nurned your rip sauce?
- Christine: No, you burned my lips off!
- Dennis: I have no idea what you're saying!
- [Christine shoots Dennis in the chest, prompting a shootout that kills all the Evergreen survivors]
Le Petit Tourette [11.8]
- Mrs. Garrison: [writing on blackboard] Okay, so what do we get when we multiply a negative number--
- Cartman: Dick tits!
- Mrs. Garrison: [pauses] ...when we multiply a negative number by another negative--
- Cartman: Shoot! Asshole! [Stan and Kyle glance back at him. Mrs. Garrison sighs; Cartman smiles] Excuse me.
- Mrs. Garrison: And if we apply what we've just learned, we see that all negatives can--
- Cartman: Splodge! Balls! Bloody vaginal belch!
- [whole class giggles]
- Cartman: [in a sing-song voice] You guys, don't laugh. It makes me feel insecure about my illness.
- Mrs. Garrison: All right, kids, let's just try to focus on learning, okay? Now all you need to remember here is that negative numbers--
- Cartman: Tampons! Tampon dick shit!
- Kyle: Will you knock it off already?!
- Cartman: Kyle, don't you think I wish I could? I'd give anything to be normal like you. Kike.
- Kyle: Don't push me, asshole!
- Mrs. Garrison: Kyle! Watch your language! [Cartman begins laughing maniacally]
- Craig: If I could yell "tampon dick shoot" in the classroom, I'd be so happy.
- [Kyle visits the Children's Therapy Center to see children who really have Tourette's]
- Mr. Donaldson: Well, Mr. and Mrs. Broflovski, I think your son has learned a lot and he appears to be honestly remorseful for making fun of people with disabilities. Piss! Piss!
- Sheila Broflovski: Our son is a good kid; he just didn't understand that Tourette's is a real disease.
- Mr. Donaldson: Well, I think the only thing left is for your son to apologize to his little classmate. [Cartman walks up and bats his eyes in anticipation]
- Gerald Broflovski: Well, Kyle?
- Kyle: [through his teeth, with his fists clenched] I'm sorry.
- Cartman: What was that? I couldn't quite make that out, Kyle.
- Kyle: I'm sorry!
- Cartman: You're "starry?" I don't get what you mean by that, Kyle. You're starry because I--
- Kyle: I said I'm sorry, you piece of-- [cuts himself off]
- Cartman: Oh-oh, no, don't worry about it, Kyle, I understand. I've learned to deal with intolerance. Dumbstruck douchebag! And it means a lot that you're standing here, apologizing, with your dad and lovely mother. Fat Jew! Jew bitch! [covers mouth]
- Sheila: Oh, thank you, Eric.
- Cartman: Thank you. Big-nosed kike!
- Mr. Donaldson: Well, I think we can all put all this behind us now. Piss out my ass!
- Cartman: Yeah! Piss out your ass right onto Kyle's mom's fat fucking Jew face! [coughs] Oh goodness, excuse me. Oh geez, that was a bad one.
- Cartman: [to Thomas] Isn't having Tourettes awesome?
- [Thomas raises an eyebrow suspiciously]
- Cartman: This Saturday I will go on national television, live. I will say horrible things on the air. Despicable things! And people will call me brave.
- Cartman: Finally, my wish of going public with my illness can come true. Goddamn Jews! Suck my ass-barf!
- Cartman: Thank you, everybody. Suck my balls! [audience applauds] And I also wanna say that [revealed that he made the whole thing up] I'm making all this up!
- Cartman: So I'm sorry, but I'm not doing the show and that's it. Goodbye! [gets up out of his seat and starts walking away]
- Chris Hansen: Why don't you take a seat?
- Cartman: No, I don't want to take a seat.
- Chris Hansen: Have a seat.
- Cartman: No, I'm just going to--
- Chris Hansen: Take a seat, right over there. [Cartman walks over]
- Cartman: How does he do that?
- Chris Hansen: You know, one time, I was doing a show called To Catch a Predator, and we almost caught this pedophile, but then he ran from us because he didn't want to be on Dateline. So we tracked him down at his house, and you know what he did? He shot himself. It'd be a shame if you didn't want to be on Dateline. It'd be a shame if we had to track you down and you shot yourself.
- Cartman: I just peed my pants! [covers his mouth, shocked]
- Cartman: This Saturday I will actually say anything I want on national television. I'm going to blast the Jews, Kyle. I'm going to call them every name in the book, and people will call it brilliant television. They'll probably give me an Emmy.
- Cartman: Titty sprinkles!
- Pedophile 1: Oh no! Chris Hansen?! [shoots himself in the head]
- Pedophile 2: "Dateline?!" [shoots himself in the head]
- Pedophile 3: There aren't really brownies?! [shoots himself in the head]
More Crap [11.9]
- [Randy is sitting on the toilet, straining and groaning for a long time. Meanwhile, a banner appears on the screen: "Emmy Award-Winning Series"]
- Randy: Oh, God. Oh, here it comes. [goes for the final push, which has him pushing himself off the toilet seat by his hands several times] Whoa, hot! Hot, hot! Whoa, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot! [a view from the street. Randy's moans can be heard; he can be seen moving about] Whoa, whoa! Whoa, hot! Hot, hot, hot-hot-hot-hot, hot, hot!! [back in the bathroom, the stool finally comes out with a dull splash as it hits the water] Dohhhhhh! Ooh! Ooh. [sobs in relief] Ohhh, it's over. It's over. [reaches for the toilet paper] Oh, God. [puts his briefs and pants back up in place] I feel so much better. Oh. [a view from within the toilet: Randy turns around to flush, but stops, looks down, and crouches down for a better look] Wow. That is huge. That has got to be the biggest crap I've ever taken. He-Hey, Sharon. Sharon, you gotta come see this.
- Randy: [from the heart] I almost did it. I almost made something of myself. You know, when you get real close, you start thinking that maybe your life is gonna matter. [sobs some more] I mean, this was something I made! Something that came from me! That was a part of me! The only thing I ever made that was any good!
- Stan: Gee, thanks, Dad.
- Randy: You're welcome.
- Stan: Do you really need the biggest-crap record? Could you maybe see your way to just letting my dad have this one?
- Bono: Let him have it?! Why would I do that?!
- Stan: Look, you gotta understand, sir. My dad's never won an award for anything. Ever. He doesn't have one single trophy. I mean, even I have a second-place trophy for most Sports Illustrated subscriptions sold.
- Bono: I have the first-place trophy for that.
- Stan: [surprised] Dude, don't you have enough? I mean, you got tons of money, a jet, and the biggest rock band in the world, a hot wife, and you've been knighted. I mean, at some point, can't you just kind of fuck off?
- Butler: Look, I first knew something was wrong when I looked at Bono's first award for biggest crap. It said he took it in 1960.
- Stan: So?
- Butler: So that's the year Bono was born. Then it all made sense to me. How could Bono be so talented, so caring, and yet seem like such a piece of crap? Because he is crap. Don't you get it? Bono is not the record holder.
- Stan: He's the record.
- Herr Broloff: I'm sorry, Mr. Marsh, but if you cannot crap out the crap, it is not really a crap.
- Randy: I'm sorry, Sharon. Sorry that I let you down. I'm sorry I can't crap like Bono.
- Herr Broloff: My little crap has accomplished many things. But he could never shed the fact that he was really a number two. So he spent his life trying to be number one, in everything.
- Stan: That's why he's able to do so much, try to help so many people, but still seem like such a piece of shit.
Imaginationland [11.10]
- [Cartman is looking for a leprechaun. If he sees it, Kyle will suck his balls; if not, he will owe Kyle $10. This is the plot of the whole trilogy]
- Kyle: This is so retarded, Cartman. You've got everyone believing your stupid story.
- Cartman: [setting up a trip wire between two stones] It isn't a story; it's true! I saw a leprechaun. I've seen him come through here three days in a row now. [drops the rope, walks forward, and whips out a walkie-talkie] Hawk Eyes, this is Dragon Wind. Do you copy?
- Clyde: This is Hawk Eyes. We've set up the net and we're standing by.
- [Jimmy, Jason, and Craig are hoisting the net into place]
- Cartman: Copy that, Hawk Eyes. Keep surveillance tag Alpha Niner. Dragon Wind out.
- Kyle: Just admit you were lying, Cartman, so that everyone can go home.
- Cartman: Oh, no! We have a deal, Kyle! If I can prove there's a leprechaun, you have to suck my balls, remember? [whips out his walkie talkie] Dragon Wind to Blackie. What's your six, Blackie?
- Token: [rather pissed off] I don't want the code name "Blackie."
- Cartman: Code names are what they are, Blackie. Check your six and alert when in position. [puts away the walkie talkie and gets back to setting the trip wire]
- Kyle: This is fucking retarded.
- Cartman: Hahaha, getting nervous, Kyle? When that leprechaun shows up, you must suck my balls. Don't forget I have a signed contract from you. [finishes setting the trip wire]
- Kyle: Yeah, and if you couldn't prove there was a leprechaun, you have to give me $10. Now just pay up and stop being stupid!
- Cartman: [whispering loudly] Goddammit, why hasn't it shown up yet? [whips out the walkie talkie] Dragon Wind to Faggot! Come in, Faggot!
- Butters: [on a lookout platform with a telescope next to him; in subdued manner] This is Faggot. Go ahead.
- Cartman: Faggot, I need you to keep surveillance north to northeast. Check back in five.
- Butters: Okay, will do. Faggot out. [turns right and looks through the telescope, then exclaims]
- Kyle: Okay, that's enough. Everybody! Cartman is just pulling one of his stupid tricks on everyone, because he's trying to get out of a deal he made!
- Cartman: It was here, I swear it! I don't know why it's not showing up this time!
- Kyle: You didn't see a leprechaun, fat ass! If you could prove it, I had to suck your balls, but if you couldn't, you had to pay me ten dollars! Pay up!
- Butters: Uh, I got something! I got it! [the other boys turn and pay attention] It's, uh, oh, jeez, I think it's a leprechaun!
- Cartman: [to Token] Set off diversion track C! [Token sets off a small bomb under a pile of leaves. Nearby a leprechaun skips into view, then stops upon seeing the boys]
- Stan: Dude.
- Jimmy: F-Fuck me, it's a leprechaun.
- Cartman: [charging forth] Get it! [the leprechaun runs away, and the boys give chase] Get that Fucking leprechaun! I want it alive!
- [the leprechaun crawls under a tree trunk and gets up. He trips over a rope and a net descends on him; he dodges it and runs off. He runs into a bush and trips a sliding door, which drops down behind him. It traps him in a cage. He looks around for a way out, but sees the boys crowd in]
- Butters: Wow.
- Stan: Cool.
- Craig: No way.
- Token: Whoa.
- Jason: Wow.
- Cartman: [making his way through, out of breath] Agh. Uh, move aside! Move aside! All right, butt hole, where's the gold?!
- Leprechaun: You lads don't know what you're doing. I need to deliver an important message! There's going to be an attack!
- Cartman: [gets out a Bowie knife] Tell me where the gold is or you die! [unsheathes it] Slow!
- [the leprechaun makes a rainbow with his right hand, and it teleports him out and disappears]
- Stan: Where did he go?
- [the leprechaun appears on a tree limb behind the boys; they turn to look at him again]
- Leprechaun: I was sent to warn of a terrorist attack, but you boys have made me late. Now the terrorists will prevail! The end is near! :[makes a rainbow with his right hand and disappears. The group then turn back at Kyle]
- Craig: Dude. [Cartman walks up to Kyle and clears his throat]
- Cartman: Kyle... suck my balls. [brings out the contract both of them signed. Kyle stands motionless]
- Stan: [answers phone] Hello?
- Kyle: Dude, did you finish your math homework? I kind of lost track of time last night.
- Stan: No, no, I hardly got any sleep. I had this whole messed up dream about some gay mayor guy taking us to Imaginationland where all these imaginary characters lived.
- Kyle: [beat] ..And then it got attacked by terrorists?
- Stan: Yeah, how'd you know?!
- Kyle: Dude, I had the same dream! We jumped on the dragon's back and Butters got left behind!
- Sharon: [enters with teary Linda and Stephen] Stan, Stanley. You haven't seen your little friend Butters, have you?
- Stan: Why?
- Linda: Our darling Butters never came home last night!
- Kyle: What did they say?!
- Stephen: We don't want to jump to conclusions, but... we're worried that maybe somebody kidnapped Butters, sodomized him over and over again and then fed his genitals to wild animals. [Linda starts crying] There, there, darling.
- Kyle: ..Dude...
- [the To Be Continued part]
- Terrorists: Allah! [push Rickety Rocket faster to the barrier]
- Rickety Rocket: AAAAAH! JESUS CHRIST! NO!
- Terrorists: [cheer]
- Fanciful Mayor: That was your plan to stop them?!
- Butters: Yeah, and that's not a heartfelt speech.
- Fanciful Mayor: That’s fucking stupid! [the terrorist stop playing with their guns as the wall which separates the evil side of Imaginationland from the good side starts to break] They are coming..
Imaginationland Episode II [11.11]
- Butters: Mom, Dad, I dreamt I was in Imaginationland and, and terrorists attacked it.
- Stephen: You are in Imaginationland! This is a dream.
- Butters: Huh?
- Fanciful Mayor: Hey, wake up, stupid! C'mon, wake up, kid!
- Butters: [wakes up] No, wait! I was back home in bed!
- Fanciful Mayor: No, you passed out and peed your pants!
- Cinderella: [points] Look! The evil of Imaginationland is coming out!
- [The evil characters break loose from the bad side, the characters from the good side flea. (uncensored part) w:Mickey Mouse's head is shot]
- Butters: Oh hamburgers!
- Terroists: Allah! [got knocked by an evil character from the bad side]
- [the portal begins to act violently. Lightning shoots out and it changes color frequently. Everyone backs away]
- General: Talk to me! What's going on?!
- [The guard comes in with Kyle and Cartman]
- Lead Tech: Something is coming through the gate from the other side.
- [a few moments later, ManBearPig walks through]
- Operator: What is it?!
- Tech 3: It's like a half-man, half-bear!
- Lead Tech: And half-pig!
- [ManBearPig grabs the tech and slams him against the portal's supporting wall]
- Tech 4: Oh! No-no, wait! It's like a half-bear, half-man-pig!
- [ManBearPig rips the tech's head off and tosses it towards the general. Everyone scatters]
- General: Look out!
- [ManBearPig jumps over and grabs the tech at both ends]
- Tech 3: No! I think it's more like a half-man, and half-pig-bear!
- [ManBearPig rips him in two at the waist]
- General: Reverse the doorway! Send it back through!
- [Kyle screams and runs away, but ManBearPig scoops him up]
- Stan: Kyle!
- [a dying tech pushes the red button at his station as he drops to the floor. Lightning flashes into the room as a tractor beam pulls Stan into the portal. ManBearPig resists the pull, but crushes Kyle in its hand for several seconds. Kyle lets out a dying scream as ManBearPig lets go of him as the tractor beam finally pulls it in. Kyle falls on the floor, blue in the face]
- [Kyle is attempted to be revived through a defibrillator]
- Paramedic: Clear! [sends power through the paddles. Kyle rises, then falls softly. No sign of life yet. The paramedic removes the paddles] I'm sorry. He's gone.
- Cartman: No! Kyle can't die. [gets on his knees and checks various parts of his body for a pulse]
- Paramedic: I'm sorry, young man.
- Cartman: Kyle?
- Paramedic: Well, at least now he doesn't have to suck anyone's balls.
- Cartman: [enraged] Nooo! [begins giving Kyle CPR] No, he has a strong heart! He wants to live! Come on, Kyle! Come on, buddy!
- General: He's gone, little boy.
- Cartman: [to the paramedic] Zap him again! [opens Kyle's coat and shirt] Do it!
- Paramedic: Charging.
- Cartman: Do it!
- [the paramedic places the paddles back on Kyle's body]
- Cartman: Come on, buddy.
- Paramedic: Clear.
- Cartman: Come on, buddy.
- [the paramedic fires away. Kyle rises, then falls softly. No sign of life yet.]
- Cartman: Get out of here! [goes back to giving Kyle CPR. A woman covers her eyes in despair] Goddammit, Kyle, you never walked away from anything in your life! Now fight! [smacks Kyle around] Fight! Fight! Right now! [begins to break down] Fight! Fiiight! Fight! [slams down hard on his chest]
- [Kyle coughs, then comes to. Cartman begins to weep happily]
- Cartman: Give him some air. [an oxygen mask appears and Cartman places it over Kyle's nose and mouth] There, easy. Breathe easy. [weeps softly some more]
- Butters: I'm supposed to be in school right now, but instead I have Snarf, Popeye, and Luke Skywalker all passed off.
Imaginationland Episode III [11.12]
- Aslan: Imaginationland used to be a happy place, but then the terrorists attacked, and so many of us were killed. The barrier came down and all the most evil imaginary characters were unleashed. Now our final battle must take place. The evil characters are marching toward us...with the intent to wipe us all out.
- Beavery Beaver: This is gonna be fun, huh?
- Woodland Critters: [cheering] Yeah!
- Aslan: We prepare for a battle we cannot won. Sweet and cuddly imaginary characters, many who have never held a weapon, must now fight for their very lives. We are too few in number, but we have one hope. That is where you come in, young boy. Only you can help us win the battle.
- Butters: W-What can I do?
- Aslan: You have a power here that you have yet to understand.
- General: If I'm not mistaken, you're the one who bet leprechauns aren't real. So why do you care if something happens?
- Kyle: Because I-- Because I think they are real. It's all real. Think about it. Haven't Luke Skywalker and Santa Claus affected your lives more than most real people in this room? I mean, whether Jesus is real or not, he's had a bigger impact on the world than any of us have. And the same can be said for Bugs Bunny and Superman and Harry Potter. They've changed my life, changed the way I act on the earth. Doesn't that make them kind of real? They might be imaginary, but they're more important than most of us here. And they're all gonna be around till long after we're dead. So in a way, those things are more realer than any of us. [Cartman starts applauding, followed by everyone else]
- General: [touched] Abort the sequence. [scientist does so]
- Cartman: So, Kyle, imaginary things ARE real, huh? Guess that means I did win the bet after all... [Kyle looks angry] And you know what that means, Kyle...
- Kyle: [snaps] Just let it go with your Fucking balls already, you Fucking asshole! Your friends have been in danger, and all you care about is your stupid bet?! Well, I have decided, Cartman, that even if we did have a bet, that I am NEVER going to suck your balls! [grabs Cartman by the scruff of his neck] You got that?! [pushes Cartman back] They can throw me in jail for the rest of my life, but I am NEVER going to suck your balls-- [punches Cartman lightly] EVER! So there!
- Kyle: Oh God...
- Superman: Yes, God's here too. He's gonna talk to you right after Captain Crunch.
- Santa Claus: Okay, Kyle, that's enough ball-sucking.
- Stephen: You were in Imaginationland, Butters. We read all about it in the paper. The question is, what were you doing in Imaginationland when you were supposed to be helping your mother clean up the basement?
- Linda: You are grounded, mister.
- Butters: Wait, I'm not grounded.
- Stephen: Oh, yes, you are.
- Butters: Oh, yeah? [tries to use his imagination powers to end the grounding]
Guitar Queer-o [11.13]
- [Stan and Kyle have just successfully completed the song "Carry on Wayward Son" on Guitar Hero as Randy walks in]
- Randy: So you boys like this music, huh?
- Kyle: Yeah, dude, it's Guitar Hero!
- Butters: Stan and Kyle are really good at it!
- Randy: Well, you kids wanna see something really cool? Check this out. [takes out a guitar, plugs in his amp, and begins playing "Carry on Wayward Son" while singing] Once I rose above the noise and confusion / Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion / I was soaring ever higher / But I flew too high... / Though my eyes could --
- Stan: [angry] Dad! Dad! What are you doing?!
- Randy: I can actually play a lot of these songs on a real guitar. You want me to teach you boys how? [beams]
- Cartman: ...Uh, that's gay, Mr. Marsh.
- Stan: Yeah, that's stupid, Dad.
- Randy: But... But this is real.
- Cartman: Real guitars are for old people!
- Stan: Dude...dude! That's Jay Cutler over there--quarterback for the Denver Broncos!
- Kyle: Oh my God!
- Mr. Hart: Would you boys like to meet him?
- Stan: Are you serious?!
- Mr. Hart: Jay, I want you to meet Stan and Kyle; they broke 100,000 points on Guitar Hero.
- Jay Cutler: [in his jersey, reclining and drinking beer next to 2 women in bikinis] Wow, really? Nice to meet you guys!
- Stan: Nice to meet you! I mean, you kind of suck but my dad says you might be good someday.
- Jay Cutler: ...Thanks.
- Mr. Kincaid: Stan Marsh, this is Thad Jarvis.
- Thad: 'Sup.
- Mr. Kincaid: Thad here has backed up a lot of really great Guitar Hero players. Isn't that right, Thad?
- Thad: Yup.
- Mr. Kincaid: He doesn't even need a game system to play on. He can play Guitar Hero acoustically.
- Stan: [as the Skid Row song "I Remember You" plays] Look, Kyle...the game is still set up at my house and maybe we could go try playing it again over there.
- Kyle: [sarcastically] Oh, so the gallant knight now comes to rescue me from the bowels of mediocrity! Oh, thank you, Your Royal Lordship!
- Stan: That isn't it at all.
- Kyle: [angrily] You don't get it, Stan! I can play here all I want. I even get free Frescas. I don't need you anymore!
- Stan: I know...I need you.
- [Cartman, Kenny, Craig, Token, and Clyde are playing basketball; Craig fakes out Cartman and shoots]
- Cartman: Stop cheating, Craig!
- Craig: How was that cheating?!
- Cartman: 'Cause you tricked me, you black asshole!
- Announcer: Congratulations! You played Guitar Hero enough to score one million points! You...ARE...FAGS!
- Stan: [after a long silence] ...That's it?
- Kyle: Goddammit. Goddammit. [they walk away]
The List [11.14]
- Butters: Well, I guess we'll never get that list from the girls.
- Cartman: Screw that, dude. We're guys; we can out-think them.
- [Nelly walks down the hall and hears Craig blowing a horn and gets kicked in the groin by Butters]
- Nelly: Ow! What you did that for?! [Butters kick her again] Hey, What's your problem, asshole?!
- Cartman: Bail! Bail! [back at his house in the basement] Okay, our mission failed, but we've learned a lot, primarily that girls do not have balls.
- Butters: [in a sling with a black eye] They sure don't.
- Cartman: Never mind, because we are going to Plan B, one that I call, "Operation: Cannot Possibly Fail A Second Time." When Nelly leaves the cafeteria for recess, Kenny will jump in front of her and spit on the ground.
- Butters: You think maybe girls keep their balls on the inside of their tummies?
- Cartman: Butters, we're done talking about girls balls right now. Pay attention.
- Kyle: Oh, so big deal, guys. You feel better now? Clyde's the best looking kid in the class. And then Token and Stan. And last is Francis, Cartman, and… [finds himself last on the list and is voted the ugliest; shocked] Me?
- Cartman: You're last, dude! [laughs]
- Kyle: No way!
- Cartman: Yes way, check it out!
- Stan: Cartman, lay off. You're next to last.
- Stan: That didn't sparkle with her, did it?
- Jenny: [Wendy has just revealed their secret] You just couldn't let it go.
- Wendy: [surprised] What do you mean? Call the girls in!
- Jenny: I'm afraid we can't do that, Wendy.
- Lola: Did you know, Wendy, that Clyde's father owns the shoe store in the mall? A lot of us have wanted to date Clyde to get free shoes, but we couldn't, because he wasn't...popular enough!
- Wendy: [horrified] You knew!
- Lola: [takes a package out of a file] Unfortunately, the members voted Clyde in the bottom five of the list. That's why we had to manipulate the votes, forge a new list and hide the real one. [points to the package]
- Wendy: [angry] So that you could all justify dating Clyde and get shoes?! How dare you take advantage of your position! I'm going to tell Bebe and have you both DE-sparkled from the list committee!
- Jenny: Bebe? Who do you think authorized the buyout? [shocking music plays]
- Wendy: No, not Bebe.
- Lola: She's dating Clyde now! Nobody loves shoes more than her!
- Stan: [confused] What's going on?
- Wendy: When the other girls find out you ignored their votes they're gonna--
- Jenny: You really think they'll believe you over the heads of the Committee? We'll simply generate a new list, "biggest liars," and put you at the top!
- Lola: Do yourself a favor, Wendy! Just let it go, and keep your little mouth shut!
- Wendy: [coldly] I don't think so. [kicks Lola in the crotch, making her drop the list] Stan, run!
- Stan: Jesus, dude! [runs after Wendy]
- Clyde: [noticing Kyle's depressed state of mind as he walks past] Hey, Kyle! Look man, it doesn't matter what people think, okay? Y'know Abraham Lincoln was super-ugly too, but look what he accomplished! [pats Kyle on the back] Chin up, cowboy! [approaches a girl] Hey, what's going on? [girl starts speaking in the background]
- Butters: [to Kyle] Hey! Nice...nice ears Ha ha! Pizza face! [runs off laughing]
- Clyde: [ending his conversation abruptly and speaking angrily] Butters! That's not cool, man! He can't help how he looks!
- Wendy: Stan, it's been really great hanging out with you again. [Stan smiles] I feel like you've changed somehow [Stan smiles more broadly] in a really awesome way.
- Stan: Yeah, well I guess a lot of things...change, don't they?
- [happy music starts playing as the camera zooms in to their faces. Wendy takes a step closer and leans in to kiss Stan. A funny look comes over his face and he vomits into Wendy's face...twice]
- [deleted Scene, inserts immediately after Stan vomits on Wendy at the end of the episode. Wendy is smiling, despite Stan vomiting in her face, like old times]
- Kyle: You know, I'm glad this is over, but I feel like everyone is gonna wish they knew who was really last on the list.
- Wendy: Well, I guess we'll never know...except that I looked and it was Cartman.
- [back at school, Cartman is sitting at The Ugly Kids's Table in the cafeteria]
- Cartman: This is bull-crap!
- Butters: [yelling from across the cafeteria and laughing] Hey ugly ugly! Did Adolf Hitler launch a Blitzkrieg across your face?
- Cartman: Oh, well, that's fine! What really matters is the kind of person I am on the inside! [realizes what kind of person he is and gets dejected] Oh, goddammit. [bumps his head on the table. The kid that asked for Kyle's pickle earlier in the episode flat-out steals the pickle from Cartman's tray]
Unsorted Quotes
- "Well I'm gonna kick you in the nuts"
- "God dammit, your family's poor, Kenny! I don't like Kenny any more you guys, he just doesn't communicate."(pinkeye, Cartman is trying to upset zombie Kenny)
- "Hippieeees.... Hippieees all around me, they say they wanna save the world but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad." ("Cherokee hair tampons" when talking in his sleep, having nightmares)
- "If there's one thing I've learned, it's that the only way to fight hate....is with more hate!!!" ("Ginger Kids", ep.9-11)
- "Drugs are bad because if you do drugs you're a hippie and hippies suck." ("Ike's Wee Wee", ep. 2-5)
- "Yeah, whatever, you can suck my balls." (Appears in many episodes; in different forms)
- "SVINKTOR!"
- "You will respect my Authori-tah!"
- When Cartman worked as a Cop ("ChickenLover", ep.2-4)
- When Cartman was Deputized by the Department of the Interior ("Jakovasaurs", ep.3-5)
- When Cartman was re-enacting General Lee ("The Red Badge of Gayness", ep.3-14)
- Screw you guys, I'm going home!
- I'm not following this hippie arround any more.
- "But maaaaaaayyyyyyym!"
- " Now it may appear in the picture that I’m actually looking at the camera lens and smiling,with the penis in my mouth, and giving a thumbs up, but I assure you I was fast asleep. " ("Cartman Sucks")
- "Son of a bitch ! What the fuck do you think you`re doing Butters !! Go do what you were sent to do dickface !! "
- Damnn Kennnn .. "
- Whateva! I do what I want! " ("Freak Strike", "My Future Self n' Me")
- BEEFCAKKEEE ! (Weight Gain 4000)
- (Discovering he can create electricity by swearing) FUCK, SHIT, COCK, ASS, TITTIES, BONER, BITCH, MUFF, PUSSY, COCK, BUTTHOLE, BARBRA STREISAND!!! (Shoots lightning bolts from his hands) (South Park: Bigger, Longer, & Uncut)
- I'm not fat, I'm big boned. (Cartman Gets an Anal Probe)
- Just to go to the dumb moon? (Free Willzyx)
- Ow! That hurts you butt licker. (Cartman Gets an Anal Probe)
- FAGGOT! (Le Petit Tourette)
- Priest: I haven't seen you in church lately.
- Kyle: Well, I'm Jewish.
- Priest: You're not too Jewish to worship Jesus, are you?
- Kyle: I guess not.(Spontaneous Combustion)
- Said to Kyle by Cartman:
- "Kyle, I swear to God if you Jew us out on this one I will fucking kill you!"(Toilet Paper, when Kyle is considering confessing)
- "I think the rabbit just crapped on my jacket .."
- "Cartman that is the stupidest thing you've ever said, this week!"
- "Cartman you're so goddamn stupid it's unbelievable." (After Cartman shows the pubes bought from Scott Tenorman)
- "Come on, children. Let's go find ourselves a nice white woman to make love to." (It Hits The Fan)
- "I wanna make love to you woman, I wanna lay you down by the fire!"
- "There's a time and a place for everything, and it's called college. Do you understand?" (Ike's Wee Wee)
- "You go to hell! You go to hell and you DIE!!" (Cartman Gets An Anal Probe, Cartman's Mom is a Dirty Slut, Chef aid and Summer Sucks)
- Hey,there shitty shitty fag,shitty shitty fag how do you do?
- "No, that's wrong, Cartman. But don't worry. There are no stupid answers, just stupid people."
- "Now that's a whore!" (Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset)
- "I'm not gay; I'm a woman." (Mr. Garrison's Fancy New Vagina)
- "That was not me, it was Mister Hat." (Cherokee Hair Tampons)
- "Life isn't fair kiddo, get used to it!" (Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride)
- " Awww scissor me timbers " (D-Yikes)
- "Myyyyy baaaallls!" (Mr. Garrison's Fancy New Vagina)
- "You fag!"
- "Dad! Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet!" ("Trapped in the Closet")
- Kyle: Stan? Do you really think my hat is stupid?
- Stan: As a matter of fact, I believe it is the nicest hat I have ever known. (Follow That Egg)
- "Butters was missing?" (Butters' Very Own Episode)
- Stan:"This is some pretty fucked up shit right here!"
- Kenny: "Oh, I was just down there"
Cast
- Trey Parker - Stan Marsh/Eric Cartman/Satan/Mr. Herbert Garrison/Phillip Niles Argyle/Randy Marsh/Tom (news reporter)/Midget in a bikini/Ticket taker/Canadian Ambassador/Bombardiers/Mr. Mackey/Army general/Ned Gerblanski/Additional voices (voice)
- Matt Stone - Kyle Broflovski/Kenny McCormick/Jesus/Saddam Hussein/Terrance Henry Stoot/Jimbo Kearn/Gerald Broflovski/Bill Gates/Additional voices (voice)
- Eliza Schneider - Liane Cartman/Sheila Broflovski/Sharon Marsh/Wendy Testeberger/Clitoris/Additional voices (voice)
External links
- South Park quotes at the Internet Movie Database
- Template:TV.com
- South Park Studios Official website
- South Park at Comedy Central
- South Park quotes iGoogle gadget (South Park quotes within Google homepage)
- South Park quote generator
- South park create a character