SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 5

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SpongeBob SquarePants: Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 (Main) | Movies: The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie / Sponge Out of Water / Sponge on the Run / Saving Bikini Bottom: The Sandy Cheeks Movie | Spin-offs: Kamp Koral (s1, s2) / The Patrick Star Show (s1, s2, s3) | Specials: SpongeBob's Big Birthday Blowout, The Tidal Zone

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SpongeBob SquarePants (1999-) is an animated TV series, airing on Nickelodeon about the adventures and endeavors of the title character and his various friends in the fictional underwater city of Bikini Bottom. It spawned a movie, followed by several short films, and video games.

Friend or Foe [5.1]

SpongeBob: Why, Mr. Krabs? WHY does he HATE us so?!

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Potty the Parrot: You've got rats in the kitchen!

Episode 2

The Original Fry Cook (featuring Patton Oswalt) [5.2a]

Squidward: SpongeBob, what are you doing in there?

SpongeBob: [comes out of the bathroom in tears] Crying my eyes out...!

Squidward: Well, hurry up! I gotta cry, too!

SpongeBob: Why, Squidward?

Squidward: Because when Jim leaves, I'll be stuck with you again!

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Jim: Hey, Eugene, where's that little fry cook of yours?

Mr. Krabs: He thinks you're taking his job, so he's run off!

Jim: Hey, great idea! And you can give me a raise! [both laugh it off]

SpongeBob: [watching from the freezer] Look at them. Mr. Krabs is probably offering Jim my job right now.

Mr. Krabs: Well, I better go find him. [SpongeBob comes out] SPONGEBOB!

SpongeBob: Don't worry, Mr. Krabs. I was just leaving. I'm not fit to inhabit the same kitchen as Jim. So it is with a heavy heart that I relinquish my position as fry cook.

Jim: What are you thinking, SpongeBob? I'm not taking your job!

SpongeBob: But you're the greatest fry cook in the world! The Krusty Krab deserves better than me.

Jim: Both those statements are true, SpongeBob, but there's a reason I left the Krusty Krab. It all started on a warm summer evening. Business was slow, so Squidward and I were having one of our famous bull sessions...

[Flashback to the day Jim left the Krusty Krab]

Jim: We should open our own restaurant and stop relying on old man K's pockets.

Squidward: No, thanks. I'm just doing this until my clarinet career takes off.

Jim: What if it never does? Don't you wanna have something to fall back on?

Squidward: Yeah! Ha! I could lose my beautiful, flowing hair, too, but I'm not buying a wig yet. [his hair suddenly falls out]

Jim: Well, while you go wig shopping, I'm gonna go talk to Mr. Krabs. [Walks into Mr. Krabs' office] Hey, Mr. Krabs, you gotta second?

Mr. Krabs: Anything for you, Jimmy, me boy. Cop a squat and lay your wreck and tell me what's on your wig, Jim.

Jim: Cut the gas, Krabs, and dig this: I've been bustin' my conk for you. You better lay on some extra gravy, or I'm going to agitate the gravel.

Mr. Krabs: What now?

Jim: You know, lay a patch.

Mr. Krabs: 'Scuse me?

Jim: Give me a raise, or I'm quitting!

Mr. Krabs: A raise? That's not in my "Hiptionary." Help me get with it, Jack.

Jim: Stop talking like that!

Mr. Krabs: These sideburns aren't real. [rips them off]

Jim: I need more money in my paycheck at the end of every week! Capiche?!?

[Mr. Krabs laughs hysterically; Jim leaves in a huff]

Squidward: My hair! My beautiful hair! My hair! My hair!

[Flashback ends; Mr. Krabs is still laughing]

Mr. Krabs: Aye, it's still as funny today as it was then. [sighs]

[Squidward is outside still crying over his hair loss]

Mr. Krabs: You see, SpongeBob, you've got one quality Jim will never have: You're cheap!

SpongeBob: Wow! I never thought about it that way!

Night Light (featuring Ernest Borgnine, Tim Conway, and Mark Hamill) [5.2b]

SpongeBob: [reading a book] And slowly, ever so slowly, the ancient crypt door creeps open, and from the festering brine of the darkest darkness, crawled forth monsters of such vile nature, whose appearance was so hideous and threatening, that the author died trying to recount them in this novel! [gasps and closes the book] That story sure is scary. But it's only a story, right, Gary? [A terrified Gary quakes and falls on his side. SpongeBob picks him up and puts him into his bed next to him.] Why don't you sleep up here tonight, Gary?

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Mermaid Man: Oh, fiddlesticks SpongeBob, do you know how hard it is...in our advanced age...to move? Don't shine a giant light in the sky unless there's a real emergency.

Episode 3

Rise and Shine [5.3a]

Patrick: I've got to put on my teeth and brush my pants!

Waiting [5.3b]

SpongeBob: Look, Patrick, Squidward fixed it. [both run over and hug Squidward] How can we ever thank you?

Patrick: Yeah, how can we thank you? [giggles]

Squidward: Move to another neighborhood.

Fungus Among Us [5.3c]

Squidward: No! No, I didn't! It was SpongeBob! He's infected the entire Krusty Krab!

[Everybody growls and screams]

Unknown Fish: Let us apprehend that careless contaminator!

[All the fish attack SpongeBob, who starts crying, making a huge puddle in his bubble. Outside the Krusty Krab, Gary slithers into the dumpster and eats a can, which he coughs up. His stomach growls as he slithers out]

Gary: Meow. [sees SpongeBob inside getting attacked by the Krusty Krab fish]

SpongeBob: [crying] Ohhhh, noo! [the fish body slam SpongeBob's bubble, which make holes that the Ick leaks through] Stop! You're pushing out more of the Ick! [the unknown fish the other fish make a final body slam] NOOOOOOO!

[All the fish slam into it, and it pops, splattering Fungus all over the Krusty Krab]

Mr. Krabs: [laughing] Oh, stop it! You're tickling me, Squidward!

Squidward: It's not me, Mr. Krabs!

SpongeBob: Gary B. Snail! Don't you know it's impolite to feed off of other people without permission?

[We see Gary clean the Ick off of Mr. Krabs]

Mr. Krabs: He's just doing his job, SpongeBob! He's a bottomfeeder, remember? See? The little feller licked me clean! I'm cured and he'll clean the Ick off any surface...even Squid!

[Gary sucks the fungi off Squidward, next]

Nat Peterson: Whoa! Me next!

Martha Smith: Where are your manners? It's ladies first!

Patrick: I believe the expression is starfish first.

Unknown Fish: I supersede all of you! For I have an exotic accent.

Mr. Krabs: Hey, hey, hey! There's no need to fight! Cause I have a solution I'll be happy with. [later...] Step up to be de-Icked! Only $5! [the first fish steps up, and Gary cleans him] Now can I get you a Krabby Patty?

Unknown Fish: [whacks Mr. Krabs with his glove] In the light of today's events, that notion is crass and offensive. [pulls out money] I'll take 2, please.

Mr. Krabs: Alright!

SpongeBob: [gives Mr. Krabs the money] Here you go, Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: Another $5 for another de-Icking.

[Gary cleans SpongeBob off]

SpongeBob: Look, Gary! You made me all sparkly! You're the best bottom feeder a sponge could ever have!

Mr. Krabs: Aye, and a great money maker ya are, too. Now, back to work!

Gary: [burps loudly then he realizes is full, and then smiles] Meow.

Episode 4

Spy Buddies [5.4a]

SpongeBob: Good one, Patrick! [both laugh] There's just one thing I don't understand.

Mr. Krabs: What's that, laddie?

SpongeBob: That. [points to 2 Patricks laughing beside each other]

[Screen goes to black, ending the episode]

Boat Smarts [5.4b]

SpongeBob: Ah, perfect. [moves from behind Squidward in the road and drives in front of him]

Squidward: Hey, use your mirrors, fool!

SpongeBob: Mirrors? Oh, that reminds me. I haven't adjusted this one yet. [adjusts it to where the light in the reflection blinds Squidward]

Squidward: Ah! I can't see! D'oh! [puts on sunglasses and laughs] AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! [sees a brick wall and crashes then turns into a live action of a crash test dummy] Ow.

Good Ol' Whatshisname [5.4c]

Squidward: What's your name?

What Zit Tooya: What Zit Tooya.

Squidward: Uh, it's just that I was going to—enter your name in our sweepstakes! So, what should I put down?

What Zit Tooya: First and last name?

Squidward: Sure.

What Zit Tooya: Yeah, why don't you write this on your form: WHAT ZIT-- [inhales deeply] --TOOYA! NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!

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[While Officer Johnson and What Zit Tooya chase after Squidward]

What Zit Tooya: Stop, thief!

Officer Johnson: You know that guy?

What Zit Tooya: Hardly. He stole my wallet.

Officer Johnson: What?! That makes him a dual offender! Let's get him!

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Squidward: [crazily] His driver's license! [starts laughing] At last! At last and your name is...! [sees his driver's license revealing his original name] ..."Mr. What Zit Tooya"? What kind of ridiculous name is that?

What Zit Tooya: It's my ridiculous name! "WHAT ZIT TOOYA"!?.

Officer Johnson: [hits Squidward on the head with his baton as he falls down] That's enough of that ballyhoo. [handcuffs Squidward]

Squidward: But-But-But, I-I-I didn't intentionally do anything wrong.

Officer Johnson: Tell it to the judge, lawbreaker. [puts Squidward in the police car as the siren blares and it takes off]

Episode 5

New Digs [5.5a]

Squidward: SpongeBob at the Krusty Krab? Wait a minute, if he's living here, than that means he won't be living next to me! [falling gently] Hoooo. [lands in what appears to be flowers and making a angel formation] Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! [the "flowers" turn out to be pots and pans, Mr. Krabs watches in confusion from the fry cook window]

Mr. Krabs: [to himself] Hmm, there must be a full moon.

Krabs à la Mode [5.5b]

Squidward: Oh, how cold does Krabs keep this place, anyway? [looks at the thermostat which displays 62°F] 62 DEGREES!!?? Oh, that cheapskate! I'm going to set it to a toasty 63. [he sets the thermostat to 63; an alarm goes off] Huh?!

Mr. Krabs: [hears the alarm, busts down the door] WHOOOO TOOOOOUCHED MEEEEE THERMOSTAAAAAAAAT!!!!!?????

[all point to Squidward]]

Squidward: Oh, thanks a-- [Mr. Krabs pulls him away]

SpongeBob: You're welcome, Squidward.

Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward, you're always going on about your book club. Read this!

Squidward: [reading sign] "Do not touch thermostat ever".

[Mr. Krabs sets it back]

Mr. Krabs: HEAT COSTS MONEY! There are two ways to get on my bad side, boys. I don't like kids playing in me yard, and nobody but me touches me thermostat!

Squidward: That's totally selfish!

SpongeBob: Yeah! Your yard is really fun! There are kids playing on it right now!

Mr. Krabs: What?! [sees kids on his front yard] Hey, you kids get off of my lawn!

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Squidward: I'm going to go recover from hypothermia.

Spongebob: Hippo-whatia? What does that mean?

Mr. Krabs: It means he's a big fat crybaby.

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Mr. Krabs: It's beautiful. I'm selling twice as many patties and I don't even have to cook 'em! This is the happiest, and most cost-effective day of me whole life! [hugs all the money]

Plankton: NOOOO! How is this possible?! I freeze his place solid and he turns it into an ice rink! He's making more money than ever!

Karen: That's because, unlike you, he's a good businessman.

Plankton: Well, if it isn't the wind beneath my wings.

Karen: I don't understand why you don't just steal a Krabby Patty in all that confusion.

Plankton: [realizes] I'll be right back. [chuckles and leaves]

Episode 6

Roller Cowards [5.6a]

Female announcer: [over speaker] Please wait until the car has come to a complete stop...and STOP CRYING!

Employee 3: It's over. You can get out now.

SpongeBob and Patrick: We did it! [both get out and run around in circles]

SpongeBob: We conquered our fears!

Patrick: We survived the Fist o' Pain!

Employee 3: Hey, hold it right there! You forgot these.

SpongeBob and Patrick: Our spines! [grab their spines] Yeah! [when they grab them, they start to wiggle their bodies and then bend them backwards. They laugh]

SpongeBob: Let's go again!

Patrick: Yeah!

Bucket Sweet Bucket [5.6b]

Mr. Krabs: You don't really think I'd leave me secret formula behind when I go on vacation, do you?

Mr. Krabs and Plankton: 'Now stay away from me...'

Plankton: "...Restaurant, bub." I think we've been through this one before. Allow me to do the honors. [hurls himself back at the Chum Bucket; in a sarcastic tone] Ahhhhhh. [lands on the ground with a thud]

Karen: Oh. Excellent job, genius. You really fixed the place up.

Plankton: Don't nag me, Karen. I've had a long day.

Episode 8

Money Talks (featuring Brian Doyle-Murray) [5.8a]

Money: [moaning] Spend us, spend us.

Mr. Krabs: I can't spend all of you. And none of you want to be spent on stuff I want.

Money: Spend us.

Mr. Krabs: Ah, you're all shallow and self-absorbed. What did I ever see in you?

Money: Spend us.

Mr. Krabs: I'm not listening.

Money: Spend us.

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Flying Dutchman: Try saying that one three times fast.

SpongeBob vs. the Patty Gadget [5.8b]

Patchy: Well, that ends me tale, straight from the book. Now I gotta go and polish me hook!

Slimy Dancing [5.8c]

Tommy's mother: Tommy, I've got a fresh load of laundr- [screams as she thinks Tommy is having a seizure on the floor] Tommy! Oh! Oh, dear me, no! [dials 911] Hello, it's an emergency! My son! He's-

Tommy: [scoffs] Mom, calm down. [stops music] I'm just doing "The Cramp".

Tommy's mother: [hangs up phone] Oh, oh you kids and your crazy dance fads. [laughs and is soon joined by Mr. Krabs, SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward]

Patrick: Hey, everybody, let's all do "The Cramp"!

All: Yeah!

[Tommy's mother sets up the music. Everybody dances "The Cramp" while SpongeBob and Patrick scream]

Episode 9

The Krusty Sponge (featuring Gene Shalit) [5.9a]

Mr. Krabs: Ahoy, Squidward! GOOD NEPTUNE! SpongeBob, what has gotten into to you, son?!?

Squidward: I think he's in some kind of self-induced trance.

Mr. Krabs: No, Squidward. This is worse. He's got the Thousand-Yard Stare. I had it once meself back in me service days. [shakes SpongeBob] What is it, lad?!? Quick, we're losing money!!!

[SpongeBob's hat falls off, exposing a calander in it; Mr. Krabs reads it]

Mr. Krabs: It's the boy's tiny calendar. And he has circled today's date. [reads the circled date] "Important Food Critic Visits Krusty Krab"!?!?

Squidward: That's what's causing all this? Only a complete moron would worry about what some critic has to say.

[Mr. Krabs adapts the same Thousand-Yard Stare as SpongeBob and they both shutter in horror]

Squidward: I rest my case.

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Mr. Krabs: Ay, ay-ay-ay-ay... That's me boy, SpongeBob. That's me boy. [SpongeBob walks in the kitchen as a dollar sign while register rings keep sounding. Cut to a line of fish lined up at The Krusty Krab]

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Squidward: Mr. Krabs, don't you think you might be taking all this a little bit too far?

Mr. Krabs: Get back to work, SpongeBob! I'll be in me SpongeBob if you SpongeBob me!

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Mr. Krabs: I love a happy ending. [laughs]

Sing a Song of Patrick [5.9b]

Patrick: I think I wrote a poem once. [flashback to a younger Patrick, whose voice is higher-pitched]

Young Patrick: [reading from a sheet of paper] A Poem, by Patrick Star. "Roses are blue, violets are red. I have to go to the bathroom." [eats the paper and burps]

Gym Teacher: How many times I gotta tell ya? This...is...gym class! [blows a whistle, and several dodgeballs are thrown at Patrick]

Narrator: The next day... [cut to Bigshot Records]

Lead Singer: ♪-and that's why you're my cookie-wookie teddy bear!♪

Bassist: I hate my life.

Keyboardist: I hate your life, too, dude.

Band Manager: People! We have 17 more songs to finish this hour! Next up is: "I Wrote This" by Patrick Star. [sniffs then holds his nose] Yick.

Guitarist: [takes it] This one's really bad! It made my eyeballs throw up.

Bassist: Oh yeah. [upon looking at it, his eyes shrivel up and turn into dust]

Band Manager: I don't care how awful his poem is! We spent his 100 bucks already!

Bassist: Come on, guys. We're going to do this if it kills us. A 1, and a 2 and a-

[Cut to the cemetery where the band members are buried]

Undertaker: [gives the record to Patrick] They wanted you to have this.

Patrick: [gleefully] My song!

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Lead singer: [singing Patrick's poem] ♪Twinkle, twinkle, Patrick Star! I made myself a sandwich. My mommy named it Fred. It tastes like beans and bacon. And smells like it's been dead. Writing stuff is hard so I use a pointy pencil. Pointy, pointy, pointy, pointy, pointy, point! Pee-yew! what's that horrible smell?♪

Singer: Drum Solo! [plays drum solo. Wallpaper peels and plants become dead and picture of Mr. and Mrs. SquarePants shakes]

Lead Singer: ♪I have a head, it ends in a point. pointy, pointy, pointy, pointy, pointy, point!♪ [in their picture, Mr. and Mrs. SquarePants get annoyed and Mrs. SquarePants turns the picture over] ♪This song is over, except for this line, you win this round, broccoli!♪ [the song ends as SpongeBob's house peels and the stereo crashes on top of SpongeBob and Patrick]

Episode 10=

A Flea In Her Dome [5.10a]

Patrick: I miss Sandy so much! Her tentacles, the way she plays clarinet, her massive nose-

SpongeBob: Uh, Patrick, that's Squidward. He's not gone, he's right here! [camera pans to Squidward planting a flower in the ground]

Squidward: No, I'm not. [walks away]

The Donut Of Shame [5.10b]

Patrick: Where am I? What happened? Oh yeah, the party. I must have passed out in SpongeBob's kitchen...on the ceiling. See, SpongeBob? I told you we shouldn't stay up past 8:30, things get real crazy after 8:30. [has a flashback of last night's tea party] She really knows how to pound 'em down huh, SpongeBob?...SpongeBob?...SpongeBob?...SpongeBob? [notices SpongeBob snoring with a donut in his hand] That's a good lookin' donut.

The Krusty Plate [5.10c]

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, what's the meaning of this?

[SpongeBob inspects a plate and then notices a spot and screams]

SpongeBob: SPOT, SPOT, SPOT!

Mr. Krabs: That's right, a spot. You know the rule. Nobody leaves work till...

SpongeBob: ...till everything's ship-shape, sir. Don't worry, Mr. Krabs, I'll get this plate cleaned up in a jiffy.

Mr. Krabs: Oh, and, uh, lock up when you're done.

SpongeBob: Lock up? Wait, Mr. Krabs. Don't you remember what happened last time you left me here alone?

[Flashback when the Krusty Krab is on fire, Mr. Krabs was shedding his tears. We cut back to the present]

Mr. Krabs: Should've never left you alone with a lit blow torch and me roller skates. But, since I've removed all the welding equipment from the premises, there's no-ho-ho chance of that happenin' again, right? Now, get to work.

Episode 11

Goo Goo Gas [5.11a]

Plankton: [back at the Chum Bucket, talking to Karen] …And then that blasted sponge called the cops! That's just not cricket. [pouts] Now I'll never be a tyrannical overlord.

Karen: Do I have to tell you how to do everything? Next time, spray SpongeBob, too.

Plankton: Not sure.

Karen: Listen carefully. Spray...

Plankton: Yes.

Karen: ...Sponge...

Plankton: Uh-huh.

Karen: ...Bob...

Plankton: Right.

Karen: ...Too!

Plankton: Now, you're just talking gibberish. What I really need is to spray Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob.

Karen: That's just what I…

Plankton: I don't wanna hear all your loony schemes, Karen. I've got work to do!

Le Big Switch [5.11b]

SpongeBob: [starts chopping vegetables] I'm sure with all my years in the kitchen, I can make something other than... [chops vegetables into a Krabby Patty then laughs nervously] Just warming up. [Mr. Crustacean gets angry, he then screams than gets a tray of stuff and puts in in the oven] Come on, SpongeBob! [whistles and then takes out a Krabby Patty and throws it on the ground, Mr. Crustacean gets angry again, he then cracks an egg into a pan] Just one egg then... [egg turns into a Krabby Patty and SpongeBob gets mad and throws it on the ground along with many other Krabby Patties] No, that's not it either...

Mr. Crustacean: YOU ARE MAKING A MOCKERY OF MY--! [Krabby Patty accidentally lands in his mouth and he eats it] This taste is... is fantastic! What do you call it? [he then eats another one]

SpongeBob: A Krabby Patty.

Mr. Crustacean: [eats more Krabby Patties] The whole world must taste this!

French Narrator: Meanwhile, at the Krusty Krab... [We see that the Krusty Krab is all decorated fancy]

Mr. Krabs: Hey, Squidward, look at this! [holds up a plate with a small fruit on it] We're charging 52 smackeroos for this little guy. [laughs and then Squidward smells its horrible odor]

Squidward: Oh! What is that?!

Mr. Krabs: I don't know! Some kind of bean paste or something.

Le Schnook: Wrong, monsieur! It is ze Rare Fruit of ze Kazook Tree.

Mr. Krabs: So it's supposed to smell like a rotten gym socks?

Le Schnook: Its naturally rancid odor can only be neutralized by shredded gold.

Mr. Krabs: Shredded... [gulps] gold? [Le Schnook then starts shredding gold with a cheese grater. Mr. Krabs screams and takes it away from him] Couldn't we use less expensive ingredients?

Le Schnook: Price can be no object when it comes to dealing with exquisite food like zis. It must be prepared with only the finest ingredients, and eaten with only the finest silverware, while sitting on the finest furniture! [Le Schnook tries to sit in one of the chair, but it is just a billboard] Zis... is not ze chair I ordered.

Mr. Krabs: Yeah, well you see those were out of stock.

Le Schnook: And zis fork of plastic... Spray painted to look silver, is it not? [Mr. Krabs starts to sweat, chuckling nervously. Le Schnook gets back up, dusting himself] I cannot prepare food UNDER ZESE CONDITIONS!

---

[The scene switches to the Krusty Krab and it has a sign that reads “out of business” because it went bankrupt. Inside the restaurant, repo men are seen hauling away the fancy furniture. We then see Mr. Krabs crying in his office]

Mr. Krabs: I'm ruined! Busted! [phone then rings and Mr. Krabs answers it] Hello?

Pearl: [on phone] Daddy, the house is full of burglars.

Mr. Krabs: [laughs] No, those aren't burglars, Pearl. Those are just friendly repo men. [Mr. Krabs hangs up and notices Squidward being held on to by his arms by two other repo men]

Squidward: Mr. Krabs, tell these guys to let go of me!

Mr. Krabs: Uh, well, you know, until I come up with the money I owe, I'm afraid you'll be staying with these nice gents.

Squidward: You sold me?!?

Mr. Krabs: No! Bartered is more like it. They keep you, I keep my kneecaps.

Man who's holding Squidward: Come on, mac! [takes him away]

Squidward: You're pathetic! [Le Schnook then walks in]

Mr. Krabs: Oh, Mr. Le Schnook... I lost everything! I'm bankrupt! You and your fancy eats are all I got left now.

Le Schnook: Not quite. My time in the chef's exchange program has expired. So my "eats" and I are leaving. [hands Mr. Krabs a bill] This is for you.

Mr. Krabs: Is it money?

Le Schnook: It is the bill for my services.

[Mr. Krabs unfolds the bill. His eyes become bloodshot, and he is unable to move as Le Schnook leaves]

Repo Man: One side, please.

[The repo men take Mr. Krabs’ desk and chair away while he is sitting in it, a repo man brings Mr. Krabs back into the restaurant lobby. He is set down on the floor. Mr. Krabs starts crying]

Mr. Krabs: Oh, I've been such a fool! I turned away SpongeBob, the best fry cook I ever had, and it cost me everything!

SpongeBob: [offscreen] Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: Oh, I can still hear his sweet little voice.

SpongeBob: [offscreen, high pitched] Mr. Kra-a-abs?!

Mr. Krabs: Okay, now I'm scared.

SpongeBob: [offscreen] MR. KRABS!!!

Mr. Krabs: Darn his cursed mocking voice! I... [notices SpongeBob] SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: Ahoy, Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, me boy. [hugs SpongeBob] You came back! [notices the customers on SpongeBob's leg] And you brought customers!

Atlantis SquarePantis (featuring David Bowie) [5.12]

[We see a live traffic jam on a busy expressway. Patchy is in one of the cars in it. He is also wearing sunglasses.]

Patchy: Let's go! [honks his horn] Hey, kids. Rush hour traffic here in Encino is a real bringdown. [grumbles in frustration] A little music should soothe me jangled nerves. At least my in-dash hi-fi still works. [Patchy puts a cassette tape in the radio, which breaks and the music stops. Patchy shows the broken cassette tape.] Oh! Me ultra-rare "Frampton Comes Alive" 8-track destroyed! [Tosses it into the car] And I'm gonna miss the new SpongeBob cartoon if this traffic doesn't move soon! [Patchy growls and cries while he moans. Patchy's cell phone rings. The ringtone is SpongeBob's piccolo from the theme song] Who's calling? [answers the phone] Yes, Patchy here. Start squawkin'.

Potty: [squawks] Hey, Patchy, the new SpongeBob cartoon's about to start. Where are you, brawk?

Patchy: Stuck on the 101. Be a dear and record it for me, would you?

Potty: Oh, I threw out that old Betamax machine in the garbage. [squawks]

Patchy: You what?!

Potty: Oh, calm down. beardy.

Patchy: Potty, you know how important this cartoon is to me! [someone honks his horn at him] Do you mind?! I'm trying to talk to my parrot! [the man looks at Patchy in shock as he gets back on his phone to talk to Potty] Sorry, Potty. Just some landlubber. [Potty hangs up] Potty? Hello, hello, hello, hello!? [looks at his phone's screen. It says "call dropped" with a Jolly Roger symbol; groans] Dropped again. [closes his phone] Curse this traffic! [the traffic starts moving again] Ooh! [pulls up his anchor, much to the man's confusion. He drives into a desert-like area] Arrgh! Home at last! What the--? [his eyes pop out from behind his pair of sunglasses, breaking them] Encino...it's gone. NNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! [sobs] You know, kids, this kinda reminds Patchy of an old story. Another story of a...lost city. Why don't you check it out? Oh, Encino.

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[Patchy reappears, he is still in a desert area, he looks around, but Encino's missing, and his sunglasses still broke]

Patchy: Well, bad news, kids. Encino's still lost. [The radio starts playing] Oh! But, at least I got me radio fixed! [Patchy snaps his fingers while listening to it, then it explodes] Well, enjoy the rest of the show.

---

[Patchy reappears]

Patchy: [realizes that there is no water left] This is the end of Patchy. No water, no food, and still no Encino. And here come the vultures to pick me bones! [Potty flies up] Shiver me timbers! It's Potty! I wonder what parrot tastes like... Come back here! Uh-oh. Here come the hallucinations.

SpongeBob: [laughs] Patchy, it's me. SpongeBob SquarePants. [Patchy is excited and laughs weakly] Don't lose hope. Everything will be all right when you get to Encino.

Patchy: But, Encino is gone.

SpongeBob: It's not gone, if you believe.

Patchy: Believe, believe. [falls asleep. Wakes up and reads the sign] Welcome to Encino! It's back! [hugs the sign] SpongeBob was right! All I had to do was believe! [laughs cheerfully]

♪You got to believe. It was out of sight. You got to believe. I'm back in Encino. You got to believe. Everything's all right. The sky above, and the ground below. Bring me back into Encino. It was lost, some time ago, I'm just glad to be back home. You got to believe. I'm back in Encino. You got to believe. Everything's all right. You got to believe. I'm back in Encino. You got to believe. Everything's all right.♪

[Patchy is shown playing an instrumental by a man and woman at a bench, annoying them and making the latter's baby cry. They walk away as the chorus joins back in]

♪You got to believe. I'm back in Encino. You got to believe. Everything's all right. You got to believe. I'm back in Encino. You got--♪

Patchy: [drops his ice-cream scoop and we hear strange sounds. Potty squawks, and then pokes Patchy] Ow! Ow! It was all a hallucination. Encino's still... gone! [Patchy groans] Ooh, a sandwich. Potty, you're a lifesaver. [opens a sandwich] Oh! Oh, Potty, you know I don't like mayo! [sees a vulture] Here, you want some? Go on. Uh... take it. I don't like the mayonnaise, you know. Once it gets up above 130, 135, the mayonnaise gets kind of... grody, you know.

---

Patrick: Plankton's wrath tastes like ice cream!

SpongeBob and Patrick: Thanks, Plankton!

Plankton: Ice cream? It shoots ICE CREAM?!?! [jumps out of the tank] Oversized ice cream maker! [childishly kicks the tank but hops around in pain] Yah! Ouch! Ouch!

LRH: Look! A talking speck! This talking speck will make a fantastic [glares at SpongeBob and Patrick] replacement for our recently deflated national treasure! [looks at Plankton and speaks in a babyish tone] Won't you, little fella?

Plankton: I'll destroy all of you--!

LRH: [squeezes Plankton within his hands] Amazing! This is so much better than that dusty old bubble!

Plankton: [is later seen in a baby bottle cage] You haven't seen the last of me! When I get out of here, I'll hunt you all down like a pack of-- [someone takes a picture] Hey! Can't you read?! [points at sign] No flash photography!

Episode 13

Picture Day [5.13a]

SpongeBob: Cheese. [picture is taken. Later at home] There I am. [looking at his yearbook] Hey, I don't look so bad after all! :[everyone in the book is smiling like SpongeBob]

Pat No Pay [5.13b]

Mr. Krabs: See these ice cube trays? [points to barrel] I want ya to put 'em in that bucket.

Patrick: How do I do it?

Mr. Krabs: Figure it out!

Patrick: Uh... I have to be very gentle. [Patrick does the exact opposite; he closes the doors, picks up the freezer and throws it on the bucket, causing it and the freezer to break into pieces]

Mr. Krabs: What the...? What are ya doin'?!

Patrick: [stacking ice cubes on remains of barrel] Almost done, Mr. Krabs. [stacks on last ice cube, causing pile to collapse]

Mr. Krabs: You've destroyed me refrigerator. [picks up melting ice cubes] You've destroyed many of the things I love. [grabs Patrick by the arm] I got another job that even a nimrod like you couldn't mess up.

Episode 14

Mermaid Man vs. SpongeBob (featuring Ernest Borgnine and Tim Conway) [5.14b]

Kids: [chanting] We want Mermaid Man! We want Barnacle Boy! [kids throw Squidward into the window, which solidly flattens and Squidward slides away. The kids chant some more while throwing stuff around] We want Mermaid Man! We want Barnacle Boy! We want Mermaid Man!

Mr. Krabs: Uh, hey, kids? [The kids stop chanting] Uh, well, there's Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy... in the ballroom. [all the kids run inside the ballroom and Mr. Krabs closes the door behind them to keep them inside] SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: [He jogs over] Yes, sir.

Mr. Krabs: Go get those AWOL do-gooders you talked me into hirin', and bring their patoots back here on the double!

SpongeBob: Aye, aye, Mr. Krabs. [He runs off-screen]

Mr. Krabs: [Grabs a broom] Back, you! Back! [the broom he was using to keep the kids back is eaten. The scene changes to Shady Shoals Rest Home where all of the fish are either running away or hiding in fear of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy's destruction of the place. SpongeBob enters the building]'

---

Patrick: That video will show me stealing SpongeBob's donut..! Oh, oh, oh, eee, eee! I gotta hide this thing. [tries hiding it under a picture of him and SpongeBob but it slips out. Patrick gasps and took it, Patrick tries to hide the donut in the lamp but the light on the ceiling shows the donut's reflection. Patrick takes it out, SpongeBob leaves his house and heads towards Patrick's, Patrick runs around it before putting it under the rug] Whew... [falls backwards onto a chair] Oh... [imagines SpongeBob walking in and stepping on the donut]

SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick, I- [squish. He looks down and gasps] Donut! You monster...! You monster!

[Patrick gasps and screams, gets up and takes the donut and puts it in the toaster, but then imagines SpongeBob again]

SpongeBob: Nothing goes with a video like toast! Let's pop some toast in the toaster and watch this bad boy!

Patrick: [screams and takes it out of the toaster] Ow, hot, hot, hot, ow! [throws it in the toilet, then imagines SpongeBob again]

SpongeBob: Get out of the way, Patrick, I gotta go!

Patrick: [worries in fear and takes it out of the toilet] The attic! [cut to SpongeBob as he walked closer to Patrick's house, Patrick runs up imaginary steps, panting] Wait... I don't have an attic! [notices he's in mid-air, and then falls into his hole while he's screaming; Patrick lands on the floor and gets up] Oh... Ooh! I know! The attic. [goes up the imaginary steps again, falls and screams again; Patrick lands and gets up again]

SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick!

Patrick: Ah! [hides the donut] H-hey, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: Are you ready to-

Patrick: I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING BEHIND MY BACK, SO DON'T LOOK THERE! [looks both ways; the donut is in the back of his pants]

SpongeBob: Okay... No problem. Ready to see this? [takes out the tape, Patrick's eyes shrink in horror] The official testament of how heartily we party... hardly? [puts the tape in the VCR and pushes play, but Patrick stops him]

Patrick: NO! [sobs] I took it, SpongeBob! I took your donut! I'm sorry!

SpongeBob: [looks confused then smiles] Oh, Patrick! You really need to see this video.

[He plays the video of the party from last night.]

Video SpongeBob: I wanna give you this, because you're my buddy and... A donut this nice could really make a guy happy.

Patrick: You mean... This is mine?!

SpongeBob: Of course! It was your birthday.

Patrick: When?

SpongeBob: Last night, silly!

Patrick: Oh... Thanks, buddy! Hey, Wanna share it?

SpongeBob: Sure, pal!

[The two each eat one half of the donut; SpongeBob stops and shudders because of how disgusting it is]

Patrick: Yeah, pretty good, huh?

[SpongeBob shudders again; episode ends]

Episode 15

The Inmates of Summer (featuring R. Lee Ermey) [5.15a]

Camp Counselor: [to Prisoner 6] Oh, that is very good, Bruiser!

[We see others complaining and crying. SpongeBob and Patrick sigh. They both say each other's names at the same time]

SpongeBob: You first.

Patrick: I...I like the other island better!

SpongeBob: ME TOO!

[Both start crying uncontrollably]

To Save a Squirrel [5.15b]

SpongeBob and Patrick: [approaching Sandy] Eat or be eaten!

Sandy: Uh-oh! Next time, I'll bring more granola!

Pest of the West [5.16]

Pappy Krabs: What brings you to Dead Eye Gulch, stranger?

Hopalong: Strange is right.

SpongeBuck: The name's SpongeBuck. I left home to make my way here in the big city. I'm here for the job. [holds up a paper that says 'Sheriff Wanted']

Pappy Krabs: Wonderful! You're hired. [gives him a badge] Hey everybody! Meet our new sheriff! [everyone cheers]

SpongeBuck: Sheriff? I'm not here for the sheriff job. I'm here for the fry cook job. [holds up the same paper but points to an ad that says "Fry cook wanted Low pay/No Benefits"] Back home, I'm known for my rootin-tootin, never-pootin chili. The spiciest chili west of the old west farm. [Krabs tries it and spits it out]

Pappy Krabs: No offense, kid. But your chili tastes terrible.

SpongeBuck: In a good way?

Pappy Krabs: No, in a terrible way. Look, we already gave you the badge. And the law of the west says: no take backs!

Hopalong: Since when?

Pappy Krabs: Shshshshshsh! So that means, you're the new sheriff!

SpongeBuck: What happened to the old sheriff?

Pappy Krabs: Uh, he's at Boot Hill. [shows a picture of a cemetery with a sign saying Boot Hill]

SpongeBuck: Gasp! And, why is he at boot hill?

Pappy Krabs: Because Old Dead Tree Hill was totally full. [shows a picture of a full cemetery with a sign saying "Old Dead Tree Hill"]

---

[Act 2 starts as it cuts to the desert, and SpongeBuck is riding the coffin like a horse]

SpongeBuck: Whoa, gal, whoa! Whoa! [trips on a rock] Looks like the end of the trail. We're out of food, [shows his arm, with no hand] water, and lip balm! [lip balm turns to dust, SpongeBuck's lips crack and break off] I'm sorry, old Paint! Guess I have to put you out your misery! So long, old friend! [is about to saw coffin in half]

Buffalo Skull #1: Hey, buddy, you better be careful. Heat does funny things to your head.

SpongeBuck: It does?

Buffalo Skull #2: Oh, don't listen to that guy, kid! He's looney! [both laugh, SpongeBuck laughs, Pecos Patrick laughs]

Pecos Patrick: Oh, hey SpongeBuck! Those guys are a barrel of laughs, huh? But lazy! Anyway, you've got to get back and save the town, sheriff!

SpongeBuck: I ain't no sheriff. Or fry cook or even coffin jockey, and I'm no match for Dead Eye Plankton! I'm nothing.

Pecos Patrick: [slaps SpongeBuck]Out west, a man gets right back up on his coffin and faces his problems with the help of his idiot sidekick friend! That's me! [shows a badly drawn picture of himself] Duhhh...

SpongeBuck: I don't know. [Pecos Patrick slaps him again] Okay, okay! I'll do it! Just stop hurtin' me! Besides, you're right! It's time I stepped up and looked him in the eye! So, I'll go back to Dead Eye Gulch, whip Plankton, and save the town at high noon!

Pecos Patrick: Hop on, buddy!

SpongeBuck: Thanks, idiot friend! But I don't know how we'll ever get back to Dead Eye Gulch by high noon.

Pecos Patrick: Don't worry. I got a short-cut. He-ya! [starts riding coffin, rides over a cliff, both land on a cactus, both start flying toward Dead Eye Gulch]

---

Dead Eye Plankton: So, it's come to this. Mano y mano.

SpongeBuck: Well, you can hold the mano, because it's come down to you and me!

Dead Eye Plankton: Well, well, well, look at the time! High noon!

[A clock strikes 12:00 P.M., and Dead Eye and SpongeBuck walk toward each other ready to attack. As the clock continues chiming, the two advance closer and closer to each other, while the rest of Dead Eye Gulch watches in anticipation. At the final chime, SpongeBuck suddenly hears a squelching sound and stops.]

Dead Eye Plankton: Ow!

[SpongeBuck, confused, lifts his shoe, and underneath is Dead Eye, squished and sticking to his shoe. Everyone who's hiding looks at SpongeBuck, and they come out and cheers]

Dead Eye Plankton: I hate all of you!

Pappy Krabs: Can I try?

Dead Eye Plankton: You can't do this! [Pappy Krabs joyfully steps on Dead Eye repeatedly]

Pecos Patrick: Three yee-haws for SpongeBuck!

Citizens of Dead Eye Gulch: Yee-Haw! Yee-Haw! Yee-Haw!

---

[An epilogue scene cuts to the Krusty Kantina where SpongeBuck is on stage]

SpongeBuck: Hey, everybody! It's good to be here at the Krusty Kantina! We got a real special show for y'all tonight! Featuring my new best pal, this guy! [Pecos Patrick gets on stage] He's an idiot! [everyone cheers]

Pecos Patrick: So, what are we gonna sing about, SpongeBuck?

SpongeBuck: We're gonna sing a song about friends!

Pecos Patrick: What kind of friends, SpongeBuck?

SpongeBuck: Well, listen up and I'll tell you! ♪Who's there for you when you are sad and down?♪

Buffalo skulls: ♪Idiot Friends!♪

Pecos Patrick: ♪Who picks you up and slaps you all around?♪

Clouds: ♪Idiot Friends!♪

SpongeBuck: ♪Who puts thorns in you so you can save the town?♪

Pecos Patrick: ♪Idiot Friends, Idiot Friends--♪

SpongeBuck and Pecos Patrick: ♪--Idiot Friends!♪

Pecos Patrick: ♪Duh, duh duh duh du duh duh do.♪

SpongeBuck and Pecos Patrick: ♪Idiot Friends!♪

Pecos Patrick: ♪Dah de da da da da da do.♪

SpongeBuck and Pecos Patrick: ♪Idiot Friends!♪

Pecos Patrick: ♪De da da da-doodle, duh do.♪ You know, SpongeBuck, all we've been singing about is what I've done for you. Well, what have you done for me? [Dead Eye pulls his pants down and laughs]

SpongeBuck: ♪Who helps you pick your pants up off the ground?♪

Pecos Patrick: Thanks, buddy!

Dead Eye Plankton: Curses!

Pecos Patrick: Only an idiot friend would do that!

SpongeBuck: Let's bring it home, idiot friend!

Pecos Patrick: Okay.

SpongeBuck: ♪Who lets you ride on his coffin?♪

Pecos Patrick: ♪Who slaps you hard and often?♪

SpongeBuck: ♪What do you and me have in common?♪

SpongeBuck and Pecos Patrick: ♪We're idiot friends!♪ [everyone cheers]

SpongeBuck: Thank you, thank you very much. [the epilogue and the episode ends]

Episode 17

20,000 Patties Under the Sea (featuring Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed) [5.17a]

SpongeBob: Bye, Squidward! Bye, Mr. Krabs! [sounding flirtatious] Bye, Squidward.

Patrick: You said "Bye Squidward" twice.

SpongeBob: I like Squidward.

---

SpongeBob: [the monster's belly is still rumbling] Anything else before we shove off?

Sea Monster: I want dessert! [Plankton parachutes down]

SpongeBob: We - we don't have desserts.

Plankton: [lands from his parachute] Don't give another penny to those fast-food phonies. That's right, they stole my idea. My, my, my... [the end of the periscope breaks off, he falls down and screams as he rolls into some wet mud, hits a rock and lands next to the Sea Mosnter's foot]

Sea Monster: [looks at Plankton] Hey, a chocolate éclair. [to audience] Now that looks like dessert to me.

Plankton: No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! You... you've got it all wrong, see... Hey! [the Sea Monster chases Plankton through the abyss]

The Battle of Bikini Bottom [5.17b]

Patrick: The gloves are off now. [takes his hand off to show a human hand] It's booger time!

SpongeBob: Oh, booger, schmooger, you don't even have a nose. [pokes his nose]

Patrick: Oh, yeah? [clenches his face, and forms a nose. SpongeBob gasps, and Patrick picks his nose]

SpongeBob: [screams] Booger! [continues screaming while running to the front door of the Krusty Krab, with Patrick behind him] Run! Run, Mr. Krabs! Patrick is digging for gold! [they run into the kitchen]

Mr. Krabs: Gold? [giggles; runs into the kitchen to find the gold, but comes out with nothing]

Squidward: [to Mr. Krabs] Did you get any of Patrick's "gold"?

Mr. Krabs: He's not digging for any gold I'm looking for!

What Ever Happened to SpongeBob? [5.18]

SpongeBob: Isn't life great, Gary? Oh, what a beautiful day. I have the best friends...

[Cut to Squidward's house]

Squidward: Ah, stay away! Oh, another SpongeBob nightmare.

SpongeBob: The best job...

[At the Krusty Krab]

Mr. Krabs: He's already 10 seconds late. I'm docking him a month's pay for this.

SpongeBob: ...And, of course, the bestest pet.

Gary: Meow.

SpongeBob: [squeezes Gary in a hug, which causes Gary's shell to break. SpongeBob runs out of his house] I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY!!! [runs into Patrick]

Patrick: Hi, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick! How goes it?

Patrick: Well, it was going great until you showed up. [turns around and shows a cake splattered on his belly]

SpongeBob: What's that?

Patrick: Oh, just a birthday cake for my mom [in an angry tone and throws the ruined cake on the ground] that I spent all day baking! [angrily walks back inside] Idiot boy. [angrily closes the rock over him again]

SpongeBob: [confused by his best friend's behavior towards him] Oh, that's the first time someone's called me that. Wait, I know who will enjoy my company. [goes to the door of Squidward's house; singing] Squidward!

Squidward: [angrily gets in SpongeBob's face, annoyed] Don't you ever wake me from my beauty sleep! Do you understand? Idiot boy. [violently shuts the door, causing SpongeBob to frown]

[The scene cuts to the Treedome, where Sandy has invented a new robot]

Sandy: It's all done! My greatest invention yet!

[The robot starts to dance]

SpongBob: Sandy! What a neat robot! [accidentally trips on a log. Some of the water from his helmet goes onto Sandy's robot]

Sandy: No...! [her robot blows up]

SpongeBob: Let me explain. You see...I was passing by the tree, and I thought it'd be funny if I gave you a surprise.

Sandy: Oh, you gave me a surprise, alright. Look at the surprise I got! Get out of here, idiot boy! [angrily shuts her door]

SpongeBob: [sniffles] I guess that means there's only one place left to go--a place where I am wanted wherever they like it or not! [at the Krusty Krab] SpongeBob WorkPants reporting for duty, Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs: Hurry up and get in there, boy! Patties need flipping.

SpongeBob: No worries, captain! [trips on some frying pans] Oops, well, all in a day's work. Now, back to doing what I do best! No way I can mess this up... [slides on a puddle of water and starts screaming]

Mr. Krabs: Mr. Dollar, allow me to introduce you to Mrs. Dollar. [hears SpongeBob's screaming] What the barnacles is going on?

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs! [slides and hits Mr. Krabs, who falls in the fryer and gets out immediately] Mr. Krabs, are you okay?

Mr. Krabs: I'm fine...as long as me money's okay.

[SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs notice both dollars in the fryer]

Mr. Dollar: Although we've only known each other a short time, I want you to know...I love you. [both dollars disintegrate as they cry and they explode to nothingness. SpongeBob laughs nervously and Mr. Krabs angrily growls at him. Outside the Krusty Krab the double doors swing open. SpongeBob lands across the street and Mr. Krabs holds onto the double doors extremely enraged after kicking SpongeBob out]

Mr. Krabs: If I were you, I'd get as far away from me as possible, IDIOT BOY!!! [after he angrily slams the restaurant's doors, he furiously turns away, as dramatic music cues in the background SpongeBob is shocked and alarmed]

SpongeBob: [he's overwhelmed and curls up into a little ball and his eyes well up with tears] I guess that's it, then. If Mr. Krabs is calling me "idiot boy," it must be true, I know what must be done! [starts crying, his tears creating a river that leads him to his house. At his house, he is still sad and he packs his clothes in a bindle] I somehow managed to make everyone mad at me. At least you still like me, right, Gare? [we see Gary chewing on a bandage on his back. He angrily hisses at him; sighs] I'll miss you too, buddy. There's a year's supply of snail food for you. [walks out of his house and turns around] Goodbye, pineapple. [the chimney blows him up in the sky] Goodbye, Squidward. Goodbye, Patrick. Goodbye, Sandy. Goodbye, Bikini Bottom. Goodbye, life as I know it. [he lands on the road next to the sign] Welcome to Bikini Bottom. Population 538. [crosses out the "8" with a chalk and puts a "7" next to it] Minus 1. [SpongeBob feels disappointed and he leaves Bikini Bottom down the road muttering the same words his friends said to him] Idiot Boy, Idiot Boy, Idiot Boy, Idiot Boy, Idiot Boy, Idiot Boy, Idiot Boy, Idiot Boy, Idiot Boy, Idiot Boy... [that night (SpongeBob's still disappointing), he's scared by a bunch of very weird people. In the deleted scene, a scallop is crowing while he sees the weird people. He runs for his life, but falls off the cliff upside down, causing him to hit his head on a bunch of rocks until he reaches the bottom of the cliff. Now he's got a long bump on his head] Oooh, boy, that's quite a lump! [his hobo stick, containing the things that he packed, hits him on the head, causing him to faint and he has amnesia]

---

Sandy: Squidward! Mr. Krabs! Y'all seen SpongeBob?

Squidward: I think we just went through this...

Mr Krabs: What he means to say is, no, we haven't.

Sandy: Well, apparently, he's left Bikini Bottom, and he ain't coming back. [hands Mr. Krabs the note]

Mr Krabs: Let me see that. [begins to read] To whom that may concern, [muttering] ...aka... aka? Idiot Boy? [shocked] Idiot Boy?! [horrified, he realizes that the letter was written by SpongeBob because everyone called him Idiot Boy] It is SpongeBob! What am I gonna do without me fry cook?!

Patrick: What am I gonna do without my best friend?! I should never have been mean to you! [starts to cry]

Sandy: I should have never kicked you out of my house! [starts to cry as her helmet fills up with her tears.]

Squidward: [voice breaking] If I'd known that was the last time I'd see SpongeBob, I would have [happily] slammed the door in his face even harder! [he starts guffawing, while Patrick and Sandy are still crying]

Mr. Krabs: All right, group meeting! Everybody out! The Krusty Krab's closed until further notice! [closes the doors] Now, [he and the others gather around] how do you propose we find me money-making employee?

---

Sandy: Listen up, y'all! I got a plan to bring back SpongeBob.

Mr. Krabs: You do?

Sandy: Yup, and it involves this. [shows a device] It'll track any sponge within a 50-mile radius.

Squidward: So, you're saying this thing can actually find SpongeBob? [holds the device]

Sandy: You got it, Squid Cakes, but it's gonna take all of us to find-- [Squidward smashes the device with a mallet]

Sandy, Mr. Krabs and Patrick: [gasp]

Squidward: [holding the mallet while panting heavily like a maniac; nonchalantly] Oops, I dropped it. [Mr. Krabs becomes infuriated. His nose inflates and bursts like a balloon, with a large amount of water coming out of it.]

Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward! This device was me last chance to get this place back into ship shape! And since you destroyed it, I am ordering you to find SpongeBob!

Squidward: [laughs] I wouldn't seek out that twit for all the leotards of the sea.

Mr. Krabs: If you don't find him, you'll be out of a job forever.

Squidward: Ha! Is that your version of a threat?

Mr. Krabs: Oh, Squidward, don't forget your retirement gift.

Squidward: Mr. Krabs, I am not interested in any— [gasps] Is that a handcrafted, jewel-encrusted, ornamental egg? That'll complete my collection! Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: [pushes Squidward] Not so fast! Bring back me number-one fry cook, first.

---

SpongeBob: [rings a bell] Order up! [hands a Krabby Patty on plate] Who wants to be a dumb old mayor when you're the best fry cook in town? And how could I ever leave behind my bestest friends?

Patrick: Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, Krabby Patty! [eats the Krabby Patty] SpongeBob, another masterpiece.

Sandy: It's great to have you back, Spongy!

SpongeBob: [sighs] Looks like I'm back in Bikini Bottom forever!

[In the background cows are mooing. Squidward opens his head, removes his brain, and throws it in the trash can.]

Episode 19

The Two Faces of Squidward [5.19a]

SpongeBob: Squidward...

Squidward: SpongeBob...?

SpongeBob: You're back! Oh, Squidward...I love you no matter how many times we smash your face.

Squidward: Almost wish that meant something.

[Crowd leaves after seeing Squidward not handsome anymore]

Mr. Krabs: Hey, where you going?! Don't leave me! Please, I'm beggin' ya! Look. I can make him handsome again. Watch! [slams the door on Squidward's face repeatedly] See? [slam!] He's getting handsome. It just takes a little- [slam!] -Effort, just a little- [slam!] -Elbow grease. Please! Come back!

SpongeHenge [5.19b]

Patrick: I'm sorry, SpongeBob, but you've become a negative influence!

Episode 20

Banned in Bikini Bottom (featuring Andrea Martin) [5.20a]

Plankton: Happy day, Karen! That fool Krabs changed the name of his restaurant to The Closed Krab! Everyone will think it's closed, and come eat here instead! He'll be ruined by tomorrow! [chuckles] What an idiot!

Karen: It is closed.

Plankton: What?

Karen: Ms. Gristlepuss and her husband banned Krabby Patties for being fun and delicious.

Plankton: Banned? Then that means, my day of reckoning has come at last! I won, I tell you! I've won! And what better way than by default?

Karen: Where are you going?

Plankton: Oh, out to celebrate.

---

Patrick: What's the password, please?

Plankton: What are you talking about, you gargantuan buffoon?!

Patrick: That's it! Come right in!

---

Miss Gristlepus: That was wonderful! I...I feel...reborn!

SpongeBob: Does that mean you're not sending us to the Slammer?

Miss Grustlepuss: Of course, my dear boy. I'm a kind, gentle fish. And I owe it all to you.

SpongeBob: Don't forget the spatula!

[All laugh]

Miss Gristlepus: Don't push it, Al.

Stanley S. SquarePants (featuring Christopher Guest) [5.20b]

SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward. I'd like you to meet my cousin, Stanley.

Stanley: We're related.

Squidward: THERE'S TWO OF THEM!!??

[Squidward screams, gathers up all his belongings, and puts a "For Sale" sign next to his house. A Bikini Bottom Movers van picks him up.]

Squidward: STEP ON IT!!!

[The van drives off]

Stanley: Your friend Squidward seems busy.

---

SpongeBob: SpongeBob: Stanley, I cannot keep covering for you!

[He screams upon seeing Stanley bent his spatula]

SpongeBob: No! Not my spatula! My spatula... [sniffs] The thing I hold nearest and dearest to my heart...

Mr. Krabs: [enters] SpongeBob, what in the name of Neptune is going -- ? Oh, you broke your spatula. That's a shame. I'll order another one tomorrow, boy.

SpongeBob: NO!!!!! NO, NO, NO! I didn't break my spatula, HE DID! And I also didn't burn your money, HE DID THAT, TOO!! I have been covering for him because HE CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!!!!!!!!! [pants upon getting it all out]

Stanley: He's right! I ruin everything I touch!

---

SpongeBob: Good luck on your new job, cousin Stanley!

Stanley: Thanks! I bet I'll be even better in this one!

Plankton: Good morning, Mr. SquarePants!

Stanley: Morning, boss.

Plankton: I can't believe it! That fool Krabs hiring the blood relative of his best worker! [Mr. Krabs watches as the Chum Bucket explodes, and laughs] Well, that's the end of me.

Stanley: [thud] Sorry, boss.

Cast

• Tom Kenny as SpongeBob, Narrator, Kid #5, Kid #2, Patchy the Pirate, Old Man, Gary, Laughing Head, TV Announcer, TV Announcer, Jellyfish, Swat Member #1, Clerk, Fish #1, Gus, Male Fish #1, SpongeBob's Dad, Old Man, Loudspeaker, Tough Fish, Harold, Old Man, Dollar #3, Pedro, Fish #2, Seahorse, Bob, Judge, Keyboardist, Comic Store Owner, Fish #2, Old Man Greeter, Male Fish, Announcer, Mr. Crustacean, Fancy Man Fish, Security Guard, Computer, Model, Guard #1, Tank Computer, Photographer, Customer #2, Prisoner #5, SpongeBuck, Skull #2, Dad Fish, Accountant Fish, Re-Enactor #2, Mr. Dollar, Rioter Fish #2, TV Guy, Driver, Fish #5, Robotic Voice, Fish #3
• Bill Fagerbakke as Mr. Pirateson, Patrick, Guard, Male Fish, Swat Member #2, Fish #3, Thaddeus, Cop, Customer #3, Hockey Player #1, Fish #2, Man Fish, Vendor #2, Dollar #4, Spectre #1, Quarter Guy, Dancing Fish, Trucker, Customer #1, Prisoner #3, Prison Leader, Pecos Patrick, Male Fish #2, Re-Enactor #3, Patrick's Relative, Fish #6, Fish #1, Fish #10, Fish #3, Male Fish, Customer Fish
• Rodger Bumpass as Squidward, Spatula, Mailman, Hazmat Officer, Fish #1, Customer #2, Fish #1, Teen #1, Employee, Customer #1, Dollar #2, Judge #1, Fish #4, Customer #4, Passenger #2, Nerd, Radio DJ, Bus Driver, Male Fish #105, Artist, Guard #2, Customer #4, Coot, Hopalong Squidward, Skull #1, Photographer, Mailman, Pilot Newscaster, Fish #4, Fish #9, Fish #4, Squidward's Teenage Cousin
• Clancy Brown as Mr. Krabs, Fancy Fish, Hockey Player #2, Mayor, Customer #2, Spectre #2, Customer #5, Old Man Fish #1, Captive, Fish #2, Computer, Window Repair Fish, City Fish, Fish #5, Mayor, Mr. Krabs' Three Nephews
• Mr. Lawrence as Plankton, Kid #4, Kid #5, Guy Fish #2, Larry the Lobster, Attendant, Vendor #1, Announcer, Male Fish #92, Pocket Dogs, Narrator, Dead Eye Plankton, Male Fish #1, Blind Fish, Newscaster #1, Sanitation Engineer
• Dee Bradley Baker as Kid #1, Old Man Jenkins, Male #1, Kid #3, Sergeant, Old Man, Dale, What's it to ya, Old Man, Clam, Customer #1, Customer #2, Customer #1, Old Man, Guy Fish #1, Baby, Lawyer, Bug, Happy Gland, Dad Fish, Guy Fish, Nickel, Dollar #1, HillBilly Dollar, Fish #3, Judge #2, Tommy, Little Boy Fish, Delivery Fish, Customer, Old Man, Baby, Male Fish #40, Fish #37a, Old Man Fish #2, Le Schnook, Male Fish, Repo Fish, Customer #3, Gramma, Perch Perkins, Clerk, Customer, Barney, Prisoner #1, Camp Counselor, Fish #1, Kid Fish, Re-Enactor #1, British Fish, Gypsy #1, Fish #3, Fish #8, Boy Fish, Doctor, Fish #1, Fish #6, Male Fish, Sun, Al, Fish #1, Little Boy Fish, Sandy's Cousin
• Jill Talley as Karen, Girl Fish, Cutomer, Cashier, Operator, Girl Fish, Teen #2, Mom Fish, Little Girl Fish, Recorded Voice, Little Girl Fish, Mom Fish, Loudspeaker, Mom, Boy Fish, Gramma, Mabel, Female Fish #3, Grandma
• Sirena Irwin as Kid #2, Kid #3, Mama Krabs, Female Fish, Female Fish #2, Sally, Suzy, Female Fish #1, SpongeBob's Mom, Old Lady, Cashier, Barbara, Little Girl Fish, Gramma, Old Lady Fish #93, Female Fish #45, Camper, Mom Prisoner, Clerk, Lady Fish, Nurse, Female Fish #1, Female Fish #2, Little Girl, Female Fish
• Tom Wilson as Stinky
• Carolyn Lawrence as Sandy, Martha, Old Lady Fish, Female Fish #1
• Mary Jo Catlett as Mrs. Puff
• Mark Fite as Trainer, Fish #1, Octopus, Customer #3, Passenger #1, Bailiff, Coach, Bassist, Pitchfork Vendor, Bernie, Prisoner #2, Prisoner #4, Boss, Fish #7, Citizen, Guy Fish, Fish #2, Fish #2
• Carlos Alazraqui as Guitarist, Fish #3, Fish #4, Orderly, Surfer, Boyfriend
• Lori Alan as Pearl, Fancy Woman Fish
• Bob Joles as Man Ray