SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 1

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SpongeBob SquarePants (1999-) is an animated TV series, airing on Nickelodeon about the adventures and endeavors of the title character and his various friends in the fictional underwater city of Bikini Bottom. It spawned a movie, followed by several short films, and video games.

Episode 1[edit]

Help Wanted (1.1)[edit]

French Narrator: Ah, the sea. So fascinating. So wonderful. Here, we see Bikini Bottom, teeming with life. Home to one of my favorite creatures, SpongeBob SquarePants. Yes, of course he lives in a pineapple, you silly.

SpongeBob: I'M READY!!!! [runs outside] I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready, I'm ready...

[SpongeBob runs to Patrick]
SpongeBob: Patrick!
Patrick: Where do you think you're going?
SpongeBob: I was just--
Patrick: No, you're not. You're going to the Krusty Krab and get that job!
SpongeBob: I can't! Don't you see? I'm not good enough.
Patrick: Whose first words were "May I take your order?"
SpongeBob: Mine were.
Patrick: Who made a spatula out of toothpicks in woodshop?
SpongeBob: I did.
Patrick: Whose... erggh... whose... grehhh... who's a big yellow cube with holes?!
SpongeBob: I AM!
Patrick: Who’s ready?
SpongeBob: I'm ready!
Patrick: Who’s ready?!
SpongeBob: I'm ready!
Patrick: Who's ready!?!
SpongeBob: I'M READY!!!!

[Spongebob arrives at the Krusty Krab]
SpongeBob: Permission to come aboard, captain! ["Powerpuff Girls" narration voice] I've been training my whole life for the day I could finally join the Krusty Krew, [normal voice] and now I'm ready.
[SpongeBob trips on a nail stuck in the floorboard. His fall causes him to bounce against the ceiling, SpongeBob shouts and blurts incomprehensibly while his bounces and ricochets around the building accelerate. He then rolls to a stop at the feet of Squidward and Mr. Krabs]
Spongebob: So, uh, when do I start?
Mr. Krabs: Well lad, it seems like you don't even have your sea legs.
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, please. I'll prove I'm a fry cook. Ask Squidward, He'll vouch for me.
[Mr. Krabs and Squidward quickly walk away from SpongeBob]
Squidward: [deep breath] No.

[Buses surround the Krusty Krab and the doors open]
Mr. Krabs: That sounded like hatch doors! [sniffs repeatedly] Do you smell it? That smell. A kind of smelly smell. The smelly smell that smells... smelly. [opens eyes wide] Anchovies.
Squidward: What?
Mr. Krabs: ANCHOVIES! [Anchovies get out of the buses and rush inside the Krusty Krab, crowding, repeating the word "meep" over and over again]

Reef Blower (1.2)[edit]

(Non-speaking episode)
(SpongeBob: [to the shell] You!)

Tea at the Treedome (1.3)[edit]

SpongeBob: [Looking at the water inside the vase the flowers he gave Sandy are in; thinking in his mind] (I don't it... I don't need it, I definitely don't need it.) [a close up of SpongeBob's dried up face is shown, the shot alternates from the vase to SpongeBob a few times] (I don't need it, I don't need it, I don't need it, I don't need it.) [long pause] I NEED IT!!!

Patrick: When in doubt, pinky out.

Episode 2[edit]

Bubblestand (2.1)[edit]

Squidward: Now for some soothing sounds from Squidward's clarinet. Thank you, thank you. [inhales and starts to play his clarinet, the shot changes to SpongeBob still outside. He proceeds to built his bubblestand super fast, making a loud racket. Coming over to the window, to SpongeBob] I thought I...! Huh?
SpongeBob: [waving] Hey, Squidward! Wanna blow some bubbles? Only $0.25!
Squidward: Right, like I would spend a moment of my time... blowing bubbles!

Ripped Pants (2.2)[edit]

SpongeBob: [to a fish roasting marshmallows] Could I borrow a couple of these?
Fish: [with his mouth full] Mm-hmmm. [crams another marshmallow into his mouth]
[SpongeBob is trying to lift "weights" to impress the crowd]
SpongeBob: And now, with the addition of 2, count 'em, 2 marshmallows.

Larry: Anybody up for some volleyball?
SpongeBob: [Fish hits a volleyball in the air] I got it! [SpongeBob tries to hit it, but it just hits his hand and slides down] Incoming!
Crowd: BOOOO!
SpongeBob: [reaches down to get volleyball and rips his pants] Oops.... I guess I ripped my pants again! [crowd laughs]
Surfer Fish: [laughs] Once again, dude, you have split my sides! [laughs again]

SpongeBob: Hey Sandy, how about throwing it to me?!
Sandy: Okay, here it comes! EM Wave Change, Sandy, On-Air! [EM Wave Changes, which knocks SpongeBob out]
SpongeBob: I could use a hand here!
Sandy: [runs over to SpongeBob and helps him up] You okay, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: I guess so... except, I ripped my pants!
Surfer Fish: [laughs] You still got it, dude!

Lou: May I help you?
SpongeBob: I'll take a banana split.
Lou: Uh, we don't have that.
SpongeBob: That's okay...I already "split" my pants. Get it?
Lou: [sarcastically] 'Tee hee.' Anything else?
SpongeBob: How about... "RIPPLE"? [shows the rip in his pants] No thanks, already got one.

SpongeBob: Is that a burger you're eating?
Harold: Why, yes it is.
SpongeBob: You know what would go good with that?
Harold: No, what?
SpongeBob: Ripped... pants...! [shows the rip in his pants and runs around store] Ripped Pants a la mode! [rips pants]

SpongeBob: Delivery! [The chef looks at SpongeBob] Did you order 20 cases of... "ripped pants"?! [shows the rip in his pants through a cardboard box]

Perch Perkins: Surf's up at the Goo Lagoon! And there goes Larry, doing his trademark layback! There goes Sandy hanging 10... fingers that is! There goes SpongeBob... [rip sound is heard] Ripping his... pants again.

[A wave swallows SpongeBob and he is washed ashore.]
Lifeguard: Hey, look. A cardboard box washed up on the beach. [looks at him through a telescope] Holy fishpaste! IT'S A GUY! [runs to SpongeBob and turns him over] Why!?! WHY!?!?! WHY!?!?!
Sandy: SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: [to Lifeguard] C-come closer. I need... I need...
Lifeguard: [tearfully] What do you need?!
SpongeBob: [whispers] A tailor. [shouting] Because I ripped my pants! [laughs]

Sandy: That wasn't funny, Spongebob! Y'all had me worried sick!

SpongeBob: [consulting list] Let's see... "lifting weights - big laugh", "frisbee in face - kills", "surfing - knocks 'em dead", "pretending to drown..." [writes as he says it] "...No".

SpongeBob: [comes out of tent] Hey, everybody! Not ripped pants. [pulls off pants] Pants ripped off! Ah? Someone call the police, there's a pants thief on the loose! [realizes that the crowd is on the other side off the beach] Oh, no! Everybody's gone, even Sandy! She'd rather hang out with Larry! Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. We blew it, pants.
Pants: What do you mean, "we"? [walks away]

SpongeBob: [groans] I didn't have to be a fool to get Sandy's attention. Am I the biggest loser on the beach? [echoes]
Sunburned fish: [walks up to SpongeBob, sizzling hot red] No, I am. I forgot to put on sunscreen. [puts her fin on her chest, leaving a finprint then fades off.]
SpongeBob: Ouch.
Light blue fish: No, I am. I got sand in my buns. [shows 2 sandy hamburger buns]
Whale: [comes out of the sand] No, I'm the biggest loser on the beach. They buried me in the sand and forgot me.
Losers: What happened to you?
SpongeBob: I lost my best friend.
Losers: How?
SpongeBob: When I ripped... my pants. [spoken] I thought that I had everybody on my side, but I went and blew it all sky-high.
And now, she won't even spare a passing glance.
All just because I... ripped my pants.
Band Members: [singing] When Big Larry came 'round just to put him down, SpongeBob turned into a clown, and no girl ever wants to dance... with a fool who went and ripped his pants.
SpongeBob: [singing in a beautiful, heart-stopping voice] I know I shouldn't mope around, I shouldn't curse, but the pain feels so much worse.
'Cause windin' up with no one is a lot less fun.
Than a burn from the sun.
Band Members: [singing] Or sand in your buns.
SpongeBob: [singing] Now I learned a lesson I won't soon forget.
So, listen and you won't regret.
Be true to yourself, don't miss your chance.
All: [singing] And you won't end up like the fool... who... rip-ped... his pants.
[Crowd cheers]
Sandy: SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Sandy! [Sandy and SpongeBob hug]
Sandy: Your song was true. If you wanna be my friend, just be yourself.
Larry: SpongeBob, that song was so... righteous. Would you... sign my pants?
SpongeBob: Absolutely, buddy. [starts to sign Larry's pants, but his underwear rips off. He covers his private part, blushing. There is a wolf whistle]

Episode 3[edit]

Jellyfishing (3.1)[edit]

[SpongeBob and Patrick are welcoming Squidward home from the hospital]
SpongeBob: Welcome home, Squidward!
Patrick: Merry Christmas!!!

[SpongeBob and Patrick are trying to think of ways to make Squidward's day the "best day ever"]
Patrick: How 'bout some soup on your best day ever? [Squidward scowls at his bowl of soup, in which the letters spell "BEST DAY EVER". He picks up a spoon] Here we go! [he scoops up a spoonful of soup and offers it to Squidward, who refuses] Oohhh...it's a little hot. [He blows a little too hard on the soup, and the soup ends up flying into Squidward's bandaged face. Realizing that the spoon is empty, Patrick scoops up more soup and inadvertently blows it into Squidward's face again. This continues until finally SpongeBob takes the bowl away]
SpongeBob: Uh, I don't think soup is the best thing for him on his best day ever. [motioning towards Squidward's prized clarinet] How 'bout some music on your best day ever, played on your very own... clarinet? [SpongeBob takes Squidward's clarinet and blows hard, only to produce a terrible, ear-splitting noise] Sorry. My lips are a little dry. [He spends the next few moments licking his lips, until they are completely wet with his saliva. Just as SpongeBob is about to have another go on the clarinet, Patrick snatches the clarinet away]
Patrick: Music isn't best either!

Patrick: [trying to get Squidward to hold a jellyfish net] Firmly grasp it in your hand. [the net falls off of Squidward's bandaged hand] Firmly grasp it. [the net stays for a moment, then falls off the bandaged hand again] [angrily] Firmly grasp it! [forces the jellyfishing net through the cast and onto Squidward's hand, who screams muffled] That oughta do it.

Plankton! (3.2)[edit]

[Spongebob completes a Krabby Patty and it starts jumping around the kitchen by itself]
Squidward: Come on, SpongeBob, stop it!
SpongeBob: I swear, I'm not doing anything! [The Krabby Patty heads into the dining area] Mr. Krabs! The krabby patty is haunted!
[Mr Krabs stabs the patty with his leg]
Mr. Krabs: Avas, ye patty pirate! This is no ghost. This is... PLANKTON! Stealing me booty!
Plankton: Hear me, Krabs! When I discover your formula for Krabby Patties, I'll run you out of business. (pointing at his eye) I WENT TO COLLEGE!!! [Krabs picks him up] Hey!!! Lemme go!
Mr. Krabs: Oh, I'll let you go, squirt... on a flying saucer! [puts Plankton on a plate and throws him out the door of the Krusty Krab back to the Chum Bucket] Back to the Chum Bucket, will ya?
Plankton: YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS, KRABS...!!!

Plankton/"SpongeBob": [through SpongeBob's mouth] SHUT YOUR MOUTH, YOU MEDIOCRE CLARINET PLAYER.
Squidward: "Mediocre"...!?!

Plankton: Any last words, SpongeBob SecretPants?
SpongeBob: [realizing it is no use to fight] I just have to say I'm sorry I let Mr. Krabs down. I let all of Bikini Bottom down. [tears fill his eyes and leak down his face] But worst of all, I let you down, you delicate little Krabby Patty... with your tasty, juicy, scrumptious, warm, steaming goodness.
Plankton: [enticed] Steaming...?
SpongeBob: [sadly] I'll never forget your 100% all-secret patty, secretly assembled with undersea cheese, pickles, lettuce, tomato, onion, all secretly steaming between 2 fluffy seaweed sea buns.
Plankton: [drooling] Yes, yes... YES!!! [dives out of SpongeBob's head] COME TO PAPA!!! [bounces off the top bun and falls into the analyzer] Oh, boy. [the analyzer zaps him]
Karen: Plankton: 1% Evil, 99% Hot Gas.
Plankton: Well, this stinks.

[While SpongeBob is walking home]
SpongeBob: Plankton, what are you doing here?
Plankton: I just want to talk. You could say we're friends, right?
SpongeBob: Um... no.
Plankton: Acquaintances?
SpongeBob: No.
Plankton: [thinks] Well, we're both invertebrates, aren't we?
SpongeBob: I... guess so.
Plankton: You see? Everything works out.

Plankton: SpongeBob, you will be mine! [takes out a gramophone and begins playing it]
Singer: [singing on the record] Letters of the alphabet.
A, B, C–
[Plankton laughs, then notices the incorrect music. Plankton flips the record to the correct side, which plays ominous music. Laughs evilly]

Episode 4[edit]

Naughty Nautical Neighbors (4.1)[edit]

[SpongeBob and Patrick are playing a game in which they whisper messages to each other using bubbles. SpongeBob dips his bubble wand into his bottle of bubble mix, thinks a moment, then whispers a message into his bubble. The bubble floats to Patrick and pops, and SpongeBob's message is revealed]
SpongeBob's bubble: Hi, Patrick. [Patrick giggles, then dips his own wand into his own bottle, then shoves the wand into his mouth and takes it out before dipping it into his bottle again and whispering his own message to SpongeBob. The bubble floats to SpongeBob and pops, revealing Patrick's message]
Patrick's bubble: Hey, SpongeBob. [SpongeBob laughs, much to Squidward's annoyance]

SpongeBob: [into his bubble] Patrick, you're my best friend in the whole neighborhood.
[Squidward whispers a message into his own bubble, and the bubble replaces SpongeBob's bubble and floats on to Patrick]
Squidward's bubble: [disguised as SpongeBob's] Patrick, you are the dumbest idiot it has ever been my misfortune to know.
[Patrick doesn't look happy at the moment he hears the message. He dips his wand into his bottle and whispers a message. It floats over to SpongeBob]
Patrick's bubble: Do you really think that, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: [into his bubble] Of course, Patrick. Anyone with eyes could see that!
Patrick's bubble: [a bubble floats to SpongeBob and pops] Yeah, well, I think you're ugly! Yellow is ugly! [blows a raspberry, then blows a shorter raspberry]
SpongeBob: [into his bubble very confused] Patrick, what are you talking about?
Squidward's bubble: [disguised as Patrick's] SpongeBob, I no longer wish to know you. You give bottom dwellers a bad name! [Squidward starts sending more fake bubble messages; disguised as Patrick's] If I had $1 for every brain you don't have, I'd have $1! [disguised as SpongeBob] Hey, Patrick! I heard there was a job opening down at the pet shop... as some newspaper!
Patrick: [shouting] Well, that makes you a big dummy, you dummy!
SpongeBob: Yeah, well that means, uh... so, are you!
Patrick: Then you're a turkey!
SpongeBob: What's that?!
Patrick: It's what you are!
SpongeBob: Yeah? Well, you're a bigger one!
Patrick: Well, you're still yellow! And do you know what else is yellow?!
SpongeBob: WHAT?!
Patrick: YOU ARE!
SpongeBob: YEAH!?! WELL, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU CALL ME 'CAUSE I NEVER WANNA SEE YOU AGAIN ANYWAY! Ah, tartar sauce!

[Squidward has accidentally swallowed his fork, and now his windpipe is blocked]
Patrick: Wow! Squidward, you're choking! I know what to do, but I should wash my hands first. Oh, well.

[Squidward left SpongeBob and Patrick alone in his house, and came back from the store to find his house completely destroyed, all that is left is bluish rubble]
Squidward: What a surprise. I invited them in, and I left them alone. Well, Squidward, what have we learned today?

SpongeBob: [singing] Squidward is my best friend in the world... [starts playing the bassinet very badly]
Squidward is my best friend in the sea. [starts playing the bassinet very badly again. He lets go of his bow and the bow flies into a picture of Squidward]
Squidward: AAAH! [growls and breaks the bow in half on his knee]
SpongeBob: [singing] Squidward– [is playing the bassinet like a guitar]
Patrick: [poking his head out the window] ...Likes Patrick more than SpongeBob. [Spongebob slams the window in Patrick's face] OOMF!
SpongeBob: ...And Patrick is a dirty, stinky, rotten friend STEALER! [hits the bassinet against the floor and it breaks] Um... I can fix this.
Squidward: [with his mind steaming with full rage] Grrrrrryehhhhherrrryeh!!!!!
SpongeBob: [Squidward kicks SpongeBob out of his house] So, uh... I'll see you tomorrow, Squidward! Call me!

SpongeBob: Guess what, Squidward...?
Patrick: ...Me and Spongebob are friends again!
Squidward: Great. Go be friends somewhere else.
SpongeBob: Don't you want us to help you clean this up a little?
Squidward: NO! OUT!!!
SpongeBob: Psst. I think he's jealous.
Patrick: How pathetic.
Squidward: [growls, slams his door, a nearby bubble pops into it and the door falls on Squidward] Ohh, my back!

Boating School (4.2)[edit]

[at the beginning of SpongeBob's 38th boating test]
Mrs. Puff: First we must--
SpongeBob: First I must pass the oral exam! I am confident in my abilities to successfully succeed.
Mrs. Puff: I know. Okay. #1, What is the front of the boat?
SpongeBob: The bow.
Mrs. Puff: What is the back?
SpongeBob: Stern!
Mrs. Puff: #3. Right is--
SpongeBob: Starboard! [answering the remaining questions] Port, skipper, deck, cabin, gally, keel, 1924!
Mrs. Puff: You've passed the oral test. What a surprise. Now, it's time to once again take the driving portion of the exam. Okay, SpongeBob... get in the boat.
SpongeBob: Oh, wha... in this boat? Right here? [looks at watch nervously] Is it time already?
Mrs. Puff: Get in the boat, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Oh, yeah, absolutely. [gets into boat and closes eyes with a smile, confidently]
Mrs. Puff: All you have to do is get on the track.
[SpongeBob's eyes spring open in awe as he looks down the track which becomes longer and longer in delusion]
Mrs. Puff: Okay, SpongeBob. What's the first thing you do?
SpongeBob: 1924?
Mrs. Puff: No... no. First thing is to... start the boat. [Mrs. Puff turns it on as SpongeBob begins to shake and scream hysterically] SpongeBob! SpongeBob! Relax! It's only the boat.
SpongeBob: [stops] The boat?
Mrs. Puff: Okay, now, what do you do next?
SpongeBob: Floor it?
Mrs. Puff: Yes-- no! No! Don't floor it!
SpongeBob: Floor it?!
Mrs. Puff: No, no, don't, don't floor it!
SpongeBob: Okay, floor it! [kicks down on the gas pedal as the boat begins to go in reverse at high speeds with Mrs. Puff and SpongeBob screaming "No, no, no!" and "Floor it!" respectively. The boat crashes into a lighthouse, breaking off the upper half of it. Mrs. Puff puffs up]
Mrs. Puff: [deep voice] Ohh, SpongeBob... WHHYYYYYY?!
Fred: [off-screen] My leg!

Mrs. Puff: No, no! Don't floor it!
SpongeBob: Floor it? Okay, floor it! [almost floors the boat]
Patrick: Freeze, mister! Big toe. [SpongeBob's big toe slides out and he floors the boat slowly]

[near the end of the driving test]
SpongeBob: I'm cheating, Mrs. Puff! I'm cheating!
Mrs. Puff: It's okay, SpongeBob! You can cheat! Cheat that way! [points towards the finish line]
SpongeBob: NO! I'm... cheating!

Episode 5[edit]

Pizza Delivery (5.1)[edit]

SpongeBob: Front end... check. Antenna... [touches the boat antenna making it vibrate] check. Bumper... check. Bumper sticker... [bumper sticker says "I Brake For Sea Urchins"] ...check. [uncaps the tire pressure and puts his mouth in it, causing him to inflate like a balloon, and talk in a squeaky, high pitched voice] Tire pressure... [blows out the rest of the pressure in Squidward's face, returning him to his normal size and voice] ...check. Vehicle inspection complete! We're really making history here Squidward. That lucky customer is going to get the first Krabby Patty Pizza ever.

[SpongeBob has backed the boat all the way out into the wilderness]
SpongeBob: Backing up, backing up, backing up...!
[The engine sputters and dies, and the boat slows to a halt. SpongeBob is seen clutching the steering wheel, his eyes wide and his pupils fixed]
SpongeBob: Backing up...
Squidward: Well, you backed up and you know what? I think we're out of gas. [climbs out of the boat] And you know what else? We're in THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!!!
SpongeBob: [approaches Squidward with the pizza] And you know what else-else? I think the pizza's getting cold.
Squidward: [mock alarm] And the pizza's cold?! Oh, "the pizza's cold". Not the pizza! [genuine anger] Oh, HOW CAN IT GET ANY WORSE?! [kicks the boat angrily. The needle on the gas gauge points to 'FULL', and the boat springs to life and zooms away, leaving he and SpongeBob all alone in the wilderness]
SpongeBob: Well... we can still deliver it on foot.

Squidward: [he and SpongeBob are making their way through the wilderness] Ow, ow, ow...
SpongeBob: [singing] The Krusty Krab Pizza is the pizza for you and me!
The Krusty Krab pizza is the pizza...
Squidward: ...And my feet are killing me.

Squidward: Will you let go of that stupid pizza already?!
SpongeBob: I can't, It's for the customer!
Squidward: Who cares about the customer?
SpongeBob: I do!
Squidward: Well, I don't!
SpongeBob: [wind stops momentarily; gasps] Squidward! [blown away by the wind]

[SpongeBob and Squidward are walking in the wilderness]
SpongeBob: [singing] The Krusty Krab Pizza is the pizza, absolutivally!
[making spitting sounds] The pbbth-pbbb-pbbh pizza pbbbbh-pbbbh pizza, pbb-pbbbh-ooga-bah-bah...
[muttering rhythmically] The-- [mumbling] --pizza-- [mumbling] --pizza-- [mumbling] --pizza...
[with voice resembling that of Otto from The Simpsons] Krusty Kraa-aaa-aab pizza is the pizza, yeah-ah-ah, for you and... [high pitched] MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-EEEEEEE-EEEEE-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Squidward: [he and SpongeBob are totally lost in the wilderness, and are becoming worn out and hungry] Sponge, we've gotta eat something!
SpongeBob: I heard that in times of hardship, the pioneers would eat coral. [Squidward grabs a piece of coral and crams it into his mouth] No, wait, it wasn't coral. [Squidward spits the coral out] Maybe it was sand... no, mud.
Squidward: Gimme the pizza!
SpongeBob: Wait, I remember now! It was coral!

Squidward: That's just a stupid boulder!
SpongeBob: It's not just a boulder! It's a rock! [begins weeping] A rock! [sobbing] A rock!! [Squidward looks on with disgust while SpongeBob climbs on top of the boulder] Oh, a big, beautiful, old rock! Oh, the pioneers used to ride these babies for miles! And it's in great shape!
Squidward: SPONGEBOB! Will you forget the stupid pioneers? Have you ever noticed that there are none of them left!?! That's because they were lousy hitchhikers, ate coral and took directions from algae! And now you're telling me... they thought they could drive– [SpongeBob drives the rock over him, squashing him flat into the ground] ...Rocks? [Gets up and runs after him] Hold on there, Jethro!

Tom: [yelling] How am I supposed to eat this pizza without my DRINK?!
SpongeBob: But... but... [tears start rolling down his face]
Tom: Didn't you ever once think of the customer?! [throws the pizza at SpongeBob's face] You call yourself a delivery boy? Well, I ain't buyin'. [slams the door hardly at SpongeBob's face (off-screen). SpongeBob goes over to Squidward, smiling and trying not to cry]
Squidward: Sponge...? Sponge...? It's okay. Sponge? [Spongebob drops the pizza, falls over, bursts into tears, and absorbs them] Sponge? [gets angry, picks up the pizza, marches up to Tom's house, and knocks on the door]
Tom: Another one? Look, I told your little friend I ain't payin' for that.
Squidward: Well, THIS one's ON THE HOUSE! [hurls the pizza into Tom's face. Later he approaches SpongeBob, who is sprawled face down on the ground in a pool of tears]
SpongeBob: [looking up tearfully] Did he change his mind?
Squidward: He sure did, ate the whole thing in one bite.
SpongeBob: No drink?
Squidward: Nah. Take me home.
SpongeBob: Are you kidding!? We have just enough time to get to work! [drives the rock back to the Krusty Krab]
Squidward: Work...? Oh, my aching tentacles!

Home Sweet Pineapple (5.2)[edit]

Squidward: SpongeBob, is it time already for you to ruin my day?
Patrick: Is it time already to ruin Squid's day? Don't start without me!

SpongeBob: Yeah, I like sleep overs.
Squidward: [half asleep] Yeah, me too.
Spongebob: Yep, this is great. Good night, Squidward!
Squidward: [yawns] Good night, SpongeBob. [eyes burst open, realizing what is happening] [sternly] Good night, SpongeBob. [slams door, leaving Spongebob and Gary out]

Episode 6[edit]

Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy (VI.I)[edit]

SpongeBob: Do you remember the time the food supply in Atlantis was running low, so you invented a ray gun that made things grow 6 times their size to shoot at the kelp gardens?! But then the evil Man-Ray swoops down and swipes the gun away and starts shooting all the algae! [imitates Man-Ray, who happens to be firing a gun] And he globs onto the undersea dome! [falls onto a table] And he starts sucking on the glass! [drools as he speaks, his mouth on the table. He then notices the annoyed senior who is at the same table and sucks his drool back]
Barnacle Boy: What's your point, kid?
SpongeBob: You guys are the greatest heroes of all time, and I think you should come out of retirement.
Mermaid Man: [to SpongeBob] Listen up, you villains. I wanna eat my meatloaf. If you don't get out of here, then by the power invested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife!
Clerk: [angrily bursting in] What is going on in here?!
Mermaid Man: [looks at clerk but points to Spongebob] YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE!!!
[The clerk throws SpongeBob out while wedding music plays. SpongeBob rolls all the way back to his home where Patrick is waiting]
Patrick: Did you reunite our heroes?
SpongeBob: No. But I'm married.

Mermaid Man: I did it! I feel 5 years younger! Oh, it's good to be back!
Barnacle Boy: [kindly] We did it, ya ol' coot.
Mermaid Man: [confused] Who are you?

Barnacle Boy: Time to come out of retirement! There's evil afoot!
Mermaid Man: EVIL! Where is it?
Barnacle Boy: [pointing to SpongeBob and Patrick] There it is! You know what this means? [opens box containing their rings]
Mermaid Man: Donuts!

Mermaid Man: [about SpongeBob] Here comes the TV repairman.

Mermaid Man: [mighty voice] Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy UNITE!

Pickles (6.2)[edit]

SpongeBob: I anything can't do right, since because pickles.

Squidward: Let me guess, Tiny. A small salad?
Bubble Bass: I'll take a double triple bossy deluxe, on a raft, four by four, animal style, extra shingles with a shimmy and a squeeze, light axle grease. Make it cry, burn it and let it swim.
[Squidward stops writing the order after Bubble Bass begins to say "Make it cry"]
Squidward: We serve food here, sir.

Bubble Bass: I believe you owe me $2.
Mr. Krabs: $2!?
Bubble Bass: Your guarantee.
[the camera zooms in on the Krusty Krab's menu and shows in microscopic print "money back guarantee"]

Squidward: 12 Krabby Patties on wheat buns.
SpongeBob: [SpongeBob whips up a dozen Krabby Patties at top speed] 1 dozen cryin' cows on the farm, up!
Squidward: [flatly] Thanks, Farmer Brown.

Squidward: It's been a thrill serving you.
Customer: Could I get some extra salt?
Squidward: We're all out.
Customer: Could you check?
Squidward: No. [Customer walks away offended]

SpongeBob: WAIT A MINUTE! [seizes Bubble Bass' tongue and holds it up for all to see] Look! He's been hiding the pickles under his tongue the whole time!
Mr. Krabs: And there's the pickles from last time, too!
Stubie: And there's my car keys! [The angry crowd surrounds Bubble Bass on every side]
Bubble Bass: [nervously] ... And... there's my ride! [bolts out of the Krusty Krab]

Mr. Krabs: 3 Cheers for the return of our master fry cook, SpongeBob! Hip-Hip!
All: Hooray!
Squidward: Hooray.
Mr. Krabs: Hip-Hip!
All: Hooray!
Squidward: Whoop de doo.
Mr. Krabs: Hip-Hip!
All: Hooray!
Squidward: Oh, boy.
SpongeBob: And 3 cheers for the fry cook who took my place when I was gone, Squidward! [Squidward smiles] Hip-Hip!
All: Boo! [Squidward is shocked and frowns. The frown becomes more droopier with each "Boo"]
SpongeBob: Hip-Hip!
All: Boo! [Scene changes to the exterior shot of the Krusty Krab]
SpongeBob: Hip-Hip!
All: Boo!
SpongeBob: Hip-Hip!
Patron: BOO! YOU STINK!!!

Episode 7[edit]

Hall Monitor (7.1)[edit]

Narrator: Mrs. Puff's Boating School, where diligent students learn the rules of the road.
[The class is seen snoozing except for SpongeBob, who is drawing something.]
Mrs. Puff: Everyone, put down your books, because it's time to pick out the hall monitor of the day! Let's see here. This week's hall monitor will be, uh... [goes through list and finds everyone's name but SpongeBob's has a check mark by it] [gasp] SpongeBob…! [SpongeBob's desk moves into the center isle.]
Mrs. Puff: It's Jimmy! Jimmy's the hall monitor.
Jimmy: Mrs. Puff, I've done it already! [SpongeBob's desk moves closer.]
Mrs. Puff: Oh. Bill?
Bill: No way, Mrs. Puff! [SpongeBob's desk closes in again.]
Mrs. Puff: Uh… Tina, you're the hall monitor.
Tina: Hey! I've done it 3 times already! [SpongeBob's desk closes in again, and continues to do so with every bit of Mrs. Puff's dialouge.]
Mrs. Puff: Beth?
Bill: She graduated!
Mrs. Puff: Henry, Mira, Clayton? (Anyone?) [Off-Screen, SpongeBob's desk moves multiple times, then camera zooms out to reveal SpongeBob's desk pressing repeatedly against Mrs. Puff's body] All right. I guess I have no choice. [gulps] The hall monitor of the day is... [sighs with grief] ... SpongeBob.
[SpongeBob skyrockets with joy and lands beside Mrs. Puff. He salutes.]
SpongeBob: YAHOO! Hall Monitor SpongeBob reporting for duty, ma'am! I'm ready to assume my position in the hall! I will protect all that are weak in the hall! All rules to be enforced in the hall!
Mrs. Puff: Okay! Just take the hat and belt!
SpongeBob: I can't accept that yet, ma'am. First, I have to make my speech.
Mrs. Puff: You can't make this easy, can you?

[Mrs. Puff walks over to SpongeBob, who is lying on the ground after the class tramples him while running out the door at the 3:00 bell.]
Mrs. Puff: SpongeBob, are you okay?
SpongeBob: I overdid the speech again, didn't I?
Mrs. Puff: I'm afraid so.
SpongeBob: [gets up] Aw, tartar sauce! I guess I won't be needing this. [takes off uniform] I hardly knew you. [frowns and begins to walk away]
Mrs. Puff: [shows sadness on her face] Uh, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Yes, Mrs. Puff?
Mrs. Puff: I can, at least, let you wear it until tomorrow.
SpongeBob: [flies back into the uniform with a shout of joy] Thanks, Mrs. Puff! [walks away]
Mrs. Puff: [to herself] What are the consequences of what I've just done? [sighs to herself, thinking tragic thoughts, as she walks back into her classroom]

Patrick: Wee woo... wee woo... wee woo... wee woo... [gasps] WEE WOO, WEE WOO, WEE WOO!! SpongeBob, I see him…
SpongeBob: Where is he, Patrick?
Patrick: At the intersection of Conch and Coral.
SpongeBob: [turns to see the street signs "Conch" and "Coral"] That's where I am! [to Patrick over the walkie-talkie] He's right on top of me, but I can't see him. What's he doing?
Patrick: Um, he's just standing there... menacingly! [over the walkie-talkie] GET OUT OF THERE, SPONGEBOB!
SpongeBob: YYYYYYAAAAAAAHHHH!!!
Patrick: That's his maniac shriek. He's going to attack! [SpongeBob is running around in circles crying] He's actin' all crazy! Run! Hide behind that building! [SpongeBob does so] No, he's behind that building! Quick, hide behind that street sign! [SpongeBob does so... again] No wait! The maniac just went behind that sign! Quick! Get under the street light! [SpongeBob does so again] No wait, he's there too! Run for your life! [SpongeBob jumps inside a mailbox. Relieved, he relaxes.] Mani… in… box…
SpongeBob: [hears interference on his walkie-talkie, and answers it] Say again, deputy?
Patrick: The maniac's in the mailbox!
SpongeBob: AAAAHH!!! [runs around in the mailbox, demolishing 4 buildings and a fence with wanted signs that has his picture on them, and one falls on his face] Huh. This guy's not half-bad-looking for a maniac. Wait a minute, Patrick. (You're saying...) I'm the maniac!(?) [holds up wanted sign]
Patrick: [off-screen] AAAAHHHHHH!!! [police show up]
Officer: We'll take that as a confession!
Mrs. Puff: [shows up and pushes some of the cops out of the way] SpongeBob SquarePants, there you are! I turn my back on you for 1 minute and you destroy half the city! (Well… maybe half of it, but still!) You should be ashamed of yourself!
Officer: You know this guy?
Mrs. Puff: Of course I do. I'm the one who gave him the uniform in the first place! He's my responsibility. [police glare at her] Uh, oh… (This isn't good…)

[As SpongeBob's walking down the street]
SpongeBob: I'm on patrol, I'm on patrol, I'm on patrol… [stops as he sees puddle of ice cream on the ground] Vandals! Another crime. [scoops up a glob of ice cream with his finger and tastes it] Hmmm... strawberry. I must act! [ice cream falls on his head; Patrick is sitting on the wall above him eating ice cream] Patrick! [he looks around confused] Patrick! [he then looks at his ice cream] Patrick!
Patrick: My ice cream, it's alive! [drops ice cream onto SpongeBob's face] AAAAAAHH!!
SpongeBob: Patrick, down here.
Patrick: Oh, SpongeBob, it's you!
SpongeBob: Patrick, get down here.
Patrick: [jumps down and flattens him] SpongeBob! SpongeBob…?
SpongeBob: [mumbling] I'm down here.
Patrick: [walks off of SpongeBob then picks him up and sees him wearing the Hall Monitor uniform] You look funny! [laughs as he peels SpongeBob off] Hi, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: That's "Hall Monitor" to you! [Patrick drops SpongeBob.]
Patrick: Sorry, officer...!
SpongeBob: Sorry is not good enough, Patrick. You've just committed a crime, and I'm taking you in!
Patrick: What crime? [SpongeBob gestures toward the ice cream on the ground] I'm a bad person!!! [starts crying]

Patrick: I wanna be good!

[SpongeBob runs off imitating a siren, then a real siren sounds as a squad boat pulls up next to Patrick.]
Officer #1: Afternoon, son.
Patrick: [salutes] Hello, brothers! [points towards the cone that's on his head]
Officer #1: [ignoring Patrick's gesture] Son, we're looking for the maniac.
Officer #2: Have you seen THIS MAN?! [holds up a "Wanted" poster with SpongeBob on it]
Patrick: AAAAHHHHH!!! It's the maniac! Take him away, take him away!
[Officer #2 removes the poster.]
Officer #1: Calm down, son. It's just a drawing, not the real thing. Now we are going to show you this picture again, and you tell us if you've seen this guy. Understand?
Patrick: Yeah. Uh-huh.
Officer #1: Okay.
[Officer #2 holds up the poster again.]
Patrick: AAH! Horrible! [Officer #2 removes the poster, shocked at Patrick, then holds it up again. Patrick screams again. The officer removes the poster, looks at the other officer, and both smile at the idea. Officer #2 then goes through a series of showing the poster and removing it, and each time he holds up the poster, Patrick lets out a scream. Officer #2 finally stops.]
Officer #1: Stay indoors, son.
Officer #2: And, uh... take that cone off your head! [both officers laugh as they drive away]

[Mrs. Puff is broadcasting a lecture live to her class from prison]
Mrs. Puff: And in conclusion students, red means stop, green means go. And SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Yes, Mrs. Puff?
Mrs. Puff: I'd like to see you after class six months from now.

Jellyfish Jam (7.2)[edit]

SpongeBob: Squidward! Hey, Squidward! Squidward! Squidwardiard! [Squidward peeks out his window] Squidward! Look at my new pet.
Squidward: That's no pet, that's a wild animal.
SpongeBob: No, he isn't. Watch this! [throws a stick so the jellyfish returns it. SpongeBob is holding up 3 fingers] How many fingers am I holding up?
Jellyfish: [humming] 1, 2, 3.
SpongeBob: Play dead! [jellyfish is buried underground with a tomb that says "R.I.P.". He pops up]
Squidward: I wouldn't let that thing into my house even if it was potty-trained! [the jellyfish, still on the rope, is on a toilet reading a newspaper as he hums casually] I didn't need to see that.
SpongeBob: Well, we're going to my house to have a little fun.
Squidward: How can you possibly have fun with a jellyfish?!

[Focusing on the sound system speakers, SpongeBob and his jellyfish begin dancing]
Squidward: SpongeBob is the only guy I know who can have fun with a jellyfish...FOR 12 HOURS!!!
SpongeBob: [stops dancing] Phew! Boy, you sure like to dance! Well, that's enough for tonight! [walks towards the media player and shuts it off] It's time to go to bed! [the jellyfish flies to the player and hits the play button. SpongeBob notices] Huh? [walks to the player and shuts it off] You got it all wrong, little fella. [the jellyfish flies to the player and hits the play button. SpongeBob shuts it off] Bed! Repeat after me! Bed! [ties the leash onto the jellyfish and takes it to his bedroom]

Episode 8[edit]

Sandy's Rocket (8.1)[edit]

SpongeBob: So, you were an alien all the time, and you didn't even tell me!
Patrick: I didn't even know!
SpongeBob: Well, I've got you now!
Patrick: Oh, but it's not you that's got me. It's... [He fires his pop-gun, but traps himself instead] ... Me that's got me.

Squeaky Boots (8.2)[edit]

Mr. Krabs: It's not the boots, it's the bootee! Err, um, the person in the boots! You're a great fry cook, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: You really think so, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: I do, son. [gives SpongeBob money] Here's your paycheck, SpongeBob. [gives more money] Plus, a bonus! [takes bonus back] Well, there's your paycheck anyway. I need a vacation.

[Mr. Krabs starts to feel guilty for stealing the boots from SpongeBob, who is now completely depressed.]
Tom: Excuse me?
Mr. Krabs: I didn't do it! [sees Tom] Ohh, heh-heh... can I help ya?
Tom: Yeah, I'm ready to order.
Mr. Krabs: What'll ya have?
Tom: I'll take a [squeak squeak].
Mr. Krabs: [confused] What did you say?
Tom: I said, I'll take a [squeak].
Mr. Krabs: Huh?
SpongeBob: [still tearfully] I heard his order, Mr. Krabs. He said he wants [squeak].
Mr. Krabs: What?!
SpongeBob & Tom: And a [squeak squeak squeak squeak]
[montage which leads to Krabs going insane]

[Squidward storms out of the Krusty Krab, accidentally hitting Mr. Krabs in the face as he bursts through the front doors]
Squidward: That's it, Mr. Krabs! I'm taking my vacation now!
Mr. Krabs: [with his face pressed against the glass of the door] What's wrong, Mr. Squidward?
Squidward: I can't take The World's Greatest Fry Cook anymore! I'll see you in a week.

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBoy, me Bob!

Mr. Krabs: That squeakin' is money to my ears... I mean music.

Boots: Can I take your order?
Tom: Yeah, I'll have the Krusty Special.
Boots: Thank you, sir. I will squeak when it's ready.

Episode 9[edit]

Nature Pants (9.1)[edit]

Mr. Krabs: [noticing burnt patties on the grill] SpongeBob... SpongeBob? Wake up, boy! You're burning me money!

Squidward: [about SpongeBob, who has decided to go live in the wild] He took off his pants.
Sandy: I'll give him a week.
Squidward: I'll give him 11 minutes.
Patrick: [on the verge of tears] ...PATRICK SAD!

Sandy: Here, Patrick. Have a Krabby Patty. [They see Spongebob on the horizon] Psst. There he is Patrick, say your line.
Patrick: [Picks up paper] Why thank you, Sandy. [Take Patty.] Too bad SpongeBob isn't here to enjoy this. These are his favorite. I'd sure wish he'd come home. [On the verge of tears] [Take.... bite...] (tries to, but he can't) I CAN'T DO IT! SPONGEBOB! COME BACK!!!

[Patrick approaches SpongeBob in Jellyfish Fields with a net]
SpongeBob: Patrick! What are you doing?
[Patrick looks at SpongeBob with tears in his eyes]
Patrick: If I can't have you as a friend, I'm going to make you a trophy! I even picked out this nice jar for you! [holds up mayonaise jar]

SpongeBob: Ah, my jellyfish brethren are returning.

[SpongeBob hugs Squidward followed by everyone else]
Squidward: Could we please stop this?
Patrick: Patrick itchy!

Opposite Day (9.2)[edit]

SpongeBob: [running into his bedroom] Gary! It's opposite day and-- [slows down] Walk, don't run...and I'm-- [thinks] Opposites. Opposites. I'm just going to lay in bed and do nothing all day. [gets in bed] Too bad it only comes once a year, huh Gary? [Gary meows]
SpongeBob: Gary! Where's your holiday spirit?! [Gary barks]

[The doorbell rings]
SpongeBob: Company! I hate company. [goes to the door] Who's there?
Patrick: It's Patrick!
SpongeBob: Patrick...? Go away! I never want to see you again! [giggles]
Patrick: [cries] SpongeBob doesn't like me anymore!
SpongeBob: That's right! You're my worst enemy! [Patrick continues bawling] Patrick, you're not really not my friend. (Just kidding...) It's just Opposite Day!
Patrick: [stands up] Opposite Day? Hey, I've heard of that!
SpongeBob: You have?
Patrick: No! What is it?
SpongeBob: Well, whatever you normally do, today you do the opposite.
Patrick: Oh! Let me try! Let me try!
[Patrick holds his breath and turns purple]
SpongeBob: Patrick! Patrick, breathe! [Patrick breathes] Not that opposite. Let me show you how to do it: the wrong way!

SpongeBob: Kcirtap, yeh! (Hey, Patrick!)
Patrick: Pu evig I. (I give up.)
SpongeBob: Edis etisoppo eht ot teg ot! (To get to the opposite side!)

Realtor: What kind of fool do you take me for?! [points to SpongeBob] He's Squidward, [points to Patrick] he's Squidward, [points to the real Squidward] YOU'RE SQUIDWARD?!?!?! I'M SQUIDWARD!!!!!!! Are there any more Squidwards I should know about!?!
Gary: [wearing a pickle in between his eyes, in Squidward's tone] Meow.
Realtor: ... I'm outta here.
Squidward: Ma'am, please! What about my house?!
Realtor: I wouldn't sell a house if you were the last SQUIDWARD ON EARTH!!!!!
Squidward: Wait...!!!
SpongeBob: --DON'T--
Patrick: --go!

Squidward: Opposite Day. Next time it's gonna be "Go-Jump-off-a-Cliff Day"!

SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward! I mean, goodbye, Squidward! Isn't Opposite Day... terrible!?!
Squidward: [from his house] I'll tell you what's terrible... living next to you! You're the worst neighbor in history!
SpongeBob: Wow, that's the nicest thing Squidward's ever said to me!

SpongeBob and Patrick: Happy Opposite Day, Squidward! We hate you!
Squidward: [Squidward growls in anger. But before he could explode, he suddenly calms down] Let me show you guys how much I HATE YOU.
[Squidward runs off and returns with a bulldozer. Spongebob and Patrick scream as they are chased off]
SpongeBob: Patrick, do you ever feel that Squidward likes us too much?
Squidward: [angry] HAPPY OPPOSITE DAY. [Chases them into the sunset while laughing evilly]

Episode 10[edit]

Culture Shock (10.1)[edit]

Gary: [reading poetry] Ahem... Meow, meow, meow...
Sandy: He has such a way with words.

Squidward: Good evening and welcome to the 1st annual Squidward Tentacles Talent Show. Sponsored by the Krusty Krab, home of the Krabby Patty, because no one else would give it a home. [Patrick bursts out laughing]

F.U.N (10.2)[edit]

Narrator: There can only be one culprit: Plankton!
Plankton: Finally, victory is mine! I win! I win! I WIN!

Squidward: He got away, sir.
Mr. Krabs: NO! He's finally stolen me secret recipe!

Mr. Krabs: Maybe the lad was right. Maybe Plankton's gone straight. [notices the Krabby Patty on the table is a cardboard prop] And maybe barnacles will fly out of me pants! [jumps into the boat that serves as the cash register stand, takes a pair of oars, and starts rowing it] Hang on, lad, I'm a-comin'!

Plankton: [on a robotic jellyfish] All knees will bow to Plankton, hail Plankton! I win, I Win!

Plankton: That naive cube!

Episode 11[edit]

MuscleBob BuffPants (11.1)[edit]

SpongeBob: This working out thing isn't working out.

Shark: Hey! Hey you! Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy! Ooh, I'm a little peanut worm! Are you to much of a wimp to workout? Are you a weakling, built like a sponge? Now you too can have muscles, with Anchor Arms! They fit on like a glove. Just add air. How big do you want them? Normal? Veiny? And for the ladies, hairy. I was once a wimp before Anchor Arms. Now I'm a jerk and everybody loves me. So order now, wimp!

SpongeBob: I can't give up. I can do this. I've got Anchor Arms! I'm no wimp! I'm a jerk!

Spongebob: [straining] 96... 97... 98... 99... 100.
Sandy: I want a hundred more.
Spongebob: It hurts! 1, 2, 3, 4... [continues]
Sandy: I think we've finally found an exercise for you, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: [his arm falls off with the remote still in hand] Can you get that?

Squidward the Unfriendly Ghost (11.2)[edit]

Squidward's "Ghost": SpongeBob, I have a confession to make. [takes off towel from his head]
SpongeBob: [gasps] You're... bald?!
Squidward: NO, I'M NOT BALD! I'M ALIVE!!!

SpongeBob: Hike Patrick! Hike! [drops rock, which breaks in 2] You just lost 3 points. [climbs up pole] 1. 2. 5! [stands on his head and blows a bubble in the shape of 'G7'] G7!
Patrick: G7? King me! King me! [smashes into the pole and catches his bubble wand and bottle] I lose!
SpongeBob: But it's not Tuesday, Patrick!!!
Patrick: Tartar sauce!
Squidward: [shouting from his house] Hey, what are you invertebrates doing?! [SpongeBob and Patrick look at each other, then at Squidward]
SpongeBob and Patrick: ...We dunno.

Patrick: Boy, he really had us fooled.
SpongeBob: No, Patrick, he's the fool. He's a ghost in denial. He needs us now more than ever.
Patrick: You're right. He really needs to get up to the great beyond.
SpongeBob: [surprised] Patrick, say that again!
Patrick: "That again."
SpongeBob: No, the other thing.
Patrick: "No, the other thing."
SpongeBob: No, what you said before when you--
Patrick: "No, what you said before when you--"
SpongeBob: Never mind! I've got an idea.
Patrick: "Never mind! I've got an idea!"
[SpongeBob looks at Patrick, annoyed]

SpongeBob: A grape, fresh from the vine, Your Ghostliness. [drops it into his mouth; rushes away and returns] A banana, peeled to your liking, Your Incorporealness. [drops it into his mouth]
Patrick: 1 Watermelon. [drops large watermelon into Squidward's mouth] ...Fresh from the manure field, Your Spookiness!

Patrick: You know, you worry too much. The Patrick is here, and SpongeBob, I know a lot about head injuries, believe... [starts drooling and SpongeBob snaps his fingers] ...Me.

Squidward's "Ghost": ENOUGH! Listen up, Squidward's ghost is feeling unusually generous today. He hath decided to spare ye a a horrible fate. [hisses] All ye must do is tend to my every whim and tickle my fancy on demand.
SpongeBob: Does that include...?
Squidward's "Ghost": Quiet! Now, do as you're told! Lest ye incur the wrath of SQUIDWARD! [hisses as he walks off]
Patrick: [whispers to SpongeBob] I think they make a cream for that now.

SpongeBob: It's a comic book and look at this: it's the origin on the Flying Dutchman. It says "When he died they used his body as a window display. Now he haunts the 7 seas because he was never put to rest." Well, don't you get it, Patrick?
Patrick: We're gonna go shopping?!

Squidward's "Ghost": Ow! What the heck was that?!
SpongeBob: Initiation! That was part one of your ceremony.
Squidward's "Ghost": Ceremony for what?
SpongeBob: We're going to put you to rest.
Squidward's "Ghost": I don’t want to be put to rest! All I want are those chores done! Now, did you clean the back room yet?
SpongeBob: Yeah.
Squidward's "Ghost": Oh, really?! I'm gonna go check. [walks off; opens the door and screams. Inside are SpongeBob and Patrick holding open the door to a coffin]
SpongeBob: Okay, get in!
Squidward's "Ghost": Are you crazy?! I'm not gettin' in that thing!

Mr. Krabs: Oh, Squidward. We all came as soon as we were sure you were dead.

Episode 12[edit]

The Chaperone (12.1)[edit]

Mr. Krabs: No more cryin'. We'll get ya a date. Why... I'll take ya. [Pearl is about to start crying again] What about Squidward? [he points to Squidward, who is filing his nails; Pearl is about to start crying even more] Wait, wait. Uh... here. Take SpongeBob.
Pearl: [screams] AAHH! The fry cook! Do you know what that would do to my complexion? PEOPLE WILL MISTAKE ME FOR A PLANETARIUM!
Mr. Krabs: What do you mean?
Pearl: I don't... know, but I can't take him, Daddy. They'll kick me off the" Most-Frequently-Pictured-in-the-Yearbook" Committee.
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, they would.

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, what's wrong with Pearl?
Mr. Krabs: Her scurvy prom date stood her up, boy, and now she can't seem to find another.
Pearl: That's because there's only one fish in the sea as long, tan, and handsome as he is. And that's him!

SpongeBob: Oh, Gary, I'm a prom failure. I couldn't even get a date for my own junior prom.
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: No, that was Patrick who brought his Mom.

[Pearl and SpongeBob get kicked out of the gym where the prom is being held after they make a total mess of everything]
Teenage Fish: Go wreck someone else's prom, will ya?

Pearl: [walks up outside the ladies restroom] Sponge, are you okay?
SpongeBob: [crying] — Messed everything up.
Pearl: Don't worry SpongeBob, ya didn't mess everything up.
SpongeBob: [crying] — Hot dog.
Pearl: Actually, it was pretty funny when that hot dog landed in Judy's hair.
SpongeBob: [crying] All I wanted was to have a good time.
Pearl: But I am having a good time! Ya know, we haven't finished our dance yet.
SpongeBob: [whimpers] Can I still wear the wig?
Pearl: Yes, you can still wear the wig.
SpongeBob: [runs out and grabs Pearl to the dance floor] Let's go!

[Spongebob and Pearl are standing together outside Pearl's house, when suddenly Mr. Krabs bursts through the front door with a giant rake]
Mr. Krabs: AHA! Keep away from me precious little flower! [approaching a sea flower in his garden] You almost stepped on it.

Pearl: [to SpongeBob] Well, good night, Short-Yellow-and-Spongy.

Employee of the Month (12.2)[edit]

SpongeBob: Please don't tell Mr. Krabs about this! It'll hurt my chances of winning the award!
Squidward: I already told you, that award is a bunch of... [the Krabby Patty puree squirts onto him] ...baloney!
SpongeBob: That is not true, Squidward! Like this hat, the award is a symbol–
Squidward: [interrupting SpongeBob and taking his hat] It's a symbol that you're a chum.
SpongeBob: [scared as he screams] AAH!!! No, Squidward! AAAAHH!!!
Squidward: [placing SpongeBob's hat on the floor] And this is a symbol of what I think of the EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH AWARD!!! [attempts to stomp on the hat but hits something from inside, causing Squidward to grab his foot in pain] OWWWWWW!!!!!
SpongeBob: [coming over to his hat] An experienced Employee of The Month... [lifts the hat off the floor, revealing a brick of lead] ...Always keeps a brick of lead in his hat!
Squidward: I'm telling you for the last time, that award is nothing but a joke! [Squidward tries to leave the kitchen, but the remainder of the Krabby Patty puree squirts onto his head. He groans in frustration]
Squidward: SpongeBob! What are you doing here?
SpongeBob: [grabs alarm clock] You can't win that award if you don't get up for work! [SpongeBob destroys the clock. Squidward has another one he is setting while he is laughing. SpongeBob grabs that one and destroys it while Squidward opens up a closet full of alarm clocks with SpongeBob destroying some of them one by one]
Squidward: Stop it, SpongeBob! If I really wanted that award, I could win it with my tentacles tied!
SpongeBob: That can be arranged.
Squidward: You're a lunatic, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Maybe so, but I did win Employee of the Month 26 months in a row.
Squidward: Are you trying to say that you are better than me?!
SpongeBob: I've been better than you for 26 months and it'll be 27 tomorrow.
Squidward: Oh, that's it, square-for-brains! That's it! I'm gonna show you how easy it is to win that award. I'm gonna be the new Employee of the Month! I will prove to you that I am far more competent than you!
SpongeBob: Well, I'm going in early to wax the floors! [starts to leave]
Squidward: Don't bother; I'll have done it already by the time you get there!
SpongeBob: Well, you'll have to get up pretty early to get there before me!
Squidward: I don't need to sleep! Loser!
SpongeBob: Well, me neither! 26-time loser!

Episode 13[edit]

Scaredy Pants (13.1)[edit]

Squidward: I've come for your pickle.

SpongeBob: [after the Flying Dutchman runs away in fear, SpongeBob is shown entirely shaved, exposing his brain] Hey! What do you know? I scared him! [laughs]
[Everyone else runs out of the Krusty Krab, screaming]
SpongeBob: [walking outside with Patrick] It worked Patrick, I scared everybody!
Patrick: Yeah, I guess it was your pink hat.
SpongeBob: Pink hat? Oh, that's not a hat, that's my brain.
Patrick: Oh... [runs away screaming too]
SpongeBob: Don't worry, it grows back!

I Was a Teenage Gary (13.2)[edit]

Squidward: [to SpongeBob] Would you please stop leaving your undergarments on my front lawn?

[SpongeBob, Squidward, and Gary are on a fence singing "Blow the Man Down"]
Gary: Meow [B♭], meow [C], meow [B♭], meow [G], meow [E♭] .
SpongeBob: Meow [G], meow [B♭], meow [C], meow [B♭], meow [G] .
Squidward: Meow [B♭], meow [C], meow [A♭], meow [G], meow [A♭], meow [F]…
Gary: Meow [B♭], meow [C], meow [B♭], meow [G], meow [E♭] .
SpongeBob: Meow [G], meow [B♭], meow [C], meow [B♭], meow [G] .
Squidward: Meow [B♭], meow [C], meow [A♭], meow [G], meow [A♭], meow [F] …
Gary: Meow [B♭], meow [C], meow [B♭], meow [G], meow [E♭] .
Patrick: WILL YOU CLAM UP?! [throws a boot]
SpongeBob: [off-screen at the same time] Meow [G], meow [B♭], meow [C], meow [B♭], meow [G] .
Squidward: Meow [B♭], me– [C] Oomf! [boot knocks him off the fence]
Gary: Meow [B♭], meow [C], meow [B♭], meow [G], meow [E♭] .
SpongeBob: Meow [G], meow [B♭], meow [C], meow [B♭], meow [G] .
Squidward: Meow [B♭], meow [B♭], meow [B♭], meow [B♭], meow [A♭], meow [G], meow [A♭], meow [F], meow [E♭] .

Episode 14[edit]

SB-129 (14.1)[edit]

Narrator: Squidward is about to practice his clarinet, so get your earplugs ready.

Squidward: Why is everything... chrome?
SpongeTron: Everything is chrome in the future!

Squidward: Are the other letters of the alphabet involved here?
SpongeTron: Yep. All 486 of them.
Squidward: [lies down on the floor and starts spasming] FUUUUU-TURE! FUUUUU-TURE! FUUUUU-TURE!

[As Squidward plays his clarinet and each time he tries to play, Primate Sponge or Prehistoric Starfish holler, who are each giving a turn at holding the jellyfish]
Squidward: What are you simpletons doing?! You're supposed to catch these things, not torture yourself with them! [Primate Sponge and Prehistoric Starfish are confused] Give me those loincloths! [Primate Sponge and Prehistoric Starfish tear off a piece of their loincloth] I can't believe it. [mumbles to self] This oughta make things go a little smoother! [gives Primate Sponge and Prehistoric Starfish their nets. They put the nets on their lips. Squidward face palms and grabs the nets back] Give me those things! You're supposed to catch them, like this! [Squidward catches the jellyfish in one of the loincloth nets] It's called jellyfishing. [Primate SpongeBob and Prehistoric Starfish grab the nets and chase the jellyfish] Ah, finally. [sits on the ground and plays his clarinet. Primate Sponge and Prehistoric Starfish hear it and go berserk and chase Squidward. Squidward runs into the time machine as Primate Sponge and Prehistoric Starfish try to get in by climbing on top of it] [screams] Get me outta here! [moves the lever up and down really fast and breaks it] ... Uh...oh. [the word FUTURE spins like a slot machine, and stops on 2 lemons and a "BAR"]
Time Machine: LOSER.
[Primate Sponge and Prehistoric Starfish are banging on the time machine trying to get to Squidward until it disappears into thin-air]

Squidward: [rushed] I was in the future and then I was in the past, and there was nowhere, and at last, I'm home, and... You don't know how happy I am to see you guys!
SpongeBob: Does this mean you wanna go...
SpongeBob and Patrick: ...jellyfishing?
Squidward: NO!!! D'oh! Who's the barnaclehead who invented that game anyway?
SpongeBob and Patrick: You are, Squidward! [laughs]
Squidward: I'm going back.

Karate Choppers (14.2)[edit]

TV: Yeah, shopping's weird. Did you ever go into the seafood aisle and say, "Who eats this stuff?"

SpongeBob: Hey Sandy, have you heard the one about the squirrel and the tin cans?
Sandy: [confused] I don't think so.
Spongebob: Well, it goes like this! [sends Sandy flying onto a pile of cans and she gasps as the cans falls on her]

SpongeBob: ...Pile of cans? Mmm-mmm, Sandy, that is your worst disguise yet.
Sandy: No it's not, SpongeBob. [shows a squirrel mask] This is!

Hot Sauce Drop: By the powers of naughtiness, I command this particular drop of hot sauce to be really... really... HOT!

SpongeBob: [after attacking a customer whom he mistakes for Sandy] Thought you could sneak up on me at work, did you? Well, you can't! Because I'm fast, I'm mean, and I can do this! [swivels hands around, hisses, and walks away] Took care of her, yes I did. [runs into Mr. Krabs] Uh, ahoy, sir!
Mr. Krabs: What was that?
SpongeBob: But sir, she snuck up on me. In my own dojo!
Mr. Krabs: Are you on some new allergy medication, boy?
SpongeBob: No, sir. Just practicing my karate, sir. Or kare-ah-tay, as some like to call it.
Mr. Krabs: Kare-ah-tay? You should be making me money-ay! With your spatu-lay! Now get back to work!
SpongeBob: Aye-aye, Capitay!

Squidward: SpongeBob, did you get the bathrooms mopped yet?
SpongeBob: Yes, ma'am. I mean, sir! I mean, boss! I mean, Poobah!
Squidward: GO!!!

Sandy: I love karate!
SpongeBob: I love Kare-ah-tay!
Mr. Krabs: I love money-ay!
Squidward: I hate all of you.

Episode 15[edit]

Sleepy Time (15.1)[edit]

[Dreamy SpongeBob is too busy staring at his driver's license to pay attention to his actual driving, and he crashes into a big rock and gets thrown out of the car]
Dreamy SpongeBob: [as he flies through the air] How could I have forgotten the most important rule of driving? Always wear your seat belt!

Dreamy SpongeBob: [to Dreamy Mrs. Puff] Mrs. Puff, look. I finally got my driver's license!
Dreamy Mrs. Puff: Not even in your dreams, Mr. SquarePants! [snatches Dreamy SpongeBob's license out of his hands and tears it to shreds]
Dreamy SpongeBob: [screams] NO!!!

Dreamy Gary: "Let me not mar that perfect dream by an auroral stain, but so adjust my daily night that it may come again." Emily Dickinson wrote that.
Dreamy SpongeBob: Who?
Dreamy Gary: [flips a few pages] Here's one you might know. "There once was a man from Peru,
Who dreamed he was eating his show.
He awoke with a fright,
In the middle of the night,
To find that his dream has come true."
Dreamy SpongeBob: Gee, Gary, you sure are smart.
Dreamy Gary: Did you think my shell was full of hot air?
Dreamy SpongeBob: [laughs] Thanks, Gary! I'm going back to my own dream now.
Dreamy Gary: [to SpongeBob as he is heading out of his dream] Beware of your wandering eye, you little poriferan!

The King: [to SpongeBob in Squidward's dream] Oh, do tell me the one about the man from Peru again!

The King: [in Squidward's dream] I came here to hear beautiful music! If I don't get my wish, IT'LL BE YOUR HEAD!

[The entire audience listens to SpongeBob's horrible singing with tears in their eyes]
Spectator: [dabbing at his moist eyes with a hanky] This music touches me ever so, that I fear my tears might stain my petticoat.

Dreamy Plankton: Peek-a-boo! Here comes my foot!

Patrick: Does anyone have a quarter?

Suds (15.2)[edit]

SpongeBob: Sandy, I'm sick. Can you escort me to the doctor's?
Sandy: Okay, SpongeBob. I'll be there faster than a barefoot jackrabbit on a hot greasy griddle in the middle of August.

Sandy: Don't you worry, Patrick, I'll be over there faster than a barefoot jackrabbit on a hot greasy griddle in the...
Dr. Patrick: Yeah, yeah, the rabbit! And don't bother, Sandy! SpongeBob, don't worry. I'll keep you safe. [scrubs his hands] Don't touch me, I'm sterile!

Sandy: Ok, Patrick, where's SpongeBob?
Patrick: Uhh, uhh, he's not here at the moment. Please leave a message after the beep. Beep.
Sandy: Ok, now tell me. [shows two rocks] Since when do you have two houses?
Patrick: Since I ran out of space to put my stuff.
Sandy: Uh-huh. Yeah. And since when does your house have feet? [SpongeBob's feet are sticking out of the other rock]
Patrick: This is my mobile home.

Episode 16[edit]

Valentine's Day (16.1)[edit]

Patrick: I DEFY YOU, HEART MAN! [Patrick rips the suit in half and continues his rampage]

Patrick: Heart on stick must DIE! [goes to the pole and tries to pick it up; gives up eventually in tiredness; Patrick sees a little girl eating a heart-shaped lollipop] ... Heart on stick must DIE! [grabs it, breaks it, and stuffs it in his mouth]

The Paper (16.2)[edit]

Squidward: [walks out and sits on his lawn chair] Ah, time to relax. [takes out some gum and puts it in his mouth. Throws the gum wrapper away in front of SpongeBob's house. SpongeBob's pineapple moves forward closer to the wrapper and he opens the door]
SpongeBob: [gasps] Squidward!
Squidward: [spits out gum] Well, time to go. [folds up the lawn chair and walks to his front door but SpongeBob stops him]
SpongeBob: Squidward! Squidward, wait!
Squidward: Now what?
SpongeBob: You dropped this little piece of paper.
Squidward: Yeah, so what?
SpongeBob: I just figured you probably want it back.

Squidward: Well, you can't play music with a piece of paper! [plays 'Mary Had a Little Lamb' off-key. Little black musical note symbols fall out of the clarinet]
SpongeBob: [applauding] Hooray! Hooray! That was great, Squidward. All those wrong notes you played made it sound more original.
Squidward: What!? I didn't play any wrong notes. [plays the song off-key again]
SpongeBob: Yeah, see, you're playing it like this... [plays his piece of paper as the clarinet with the note symbols coming out] ...When ordinarily it goes like this. [plays the song on-key] I'm partial to doing it in the key of A-minor myself. [plays the song in high notes. A music sheet appears] Ah, nothing like a duet between buddies, eh, Squidward?

Patrick: [walks up to Squidward chewing gum] ...A worthless piece of paper. [Patrick grabs the paper] Hey, thanks. It's just what I needed, Squidward. [blows a gum bubble then puts the gum on the piece of paper and throws it behind him in the garbage can] Nice shirt, SpongeBob. [laughs]
Squidward: [wind whistling] ... Does anybody have any sunscreen?

Episode 17[edit]

Arrgh! (17.1)[edit]

Mr. Krabs: If I don't make any money today, I'll surely break out in a rash!
SpongeBob: [offscreen] Yipee! I'm rich Patrick, look, eight gold doubloons!
Mr. Krabs: Wait! I saw it first! [leaps through the air] Yaah! [lands on the table where SpongeBob and Patrick are playing a game] Mine! Mine! [realizing] Huh?
SpongeBob: Boy, Mr. Krabs, you sure are sweaty.

Patrick: [reading a game board card] Someone's been a bad pirate. Send them to the brig. Hmmmm... It's off to jail for you, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: Patrick, YOU'RE FIRED!
Patrick: But I don't even work here!
Mr. Krabs: Would you like a job, starting now? [puts a Krusty Krab hat on Patrick's head]
Patrick: Boy, would I!?!
Mr. Krabs: You're fired. [takes hat away]

[After they crash into "land"]
Captain Krabs: ARRGH! From now on, only the captain says "Arrgh"! Status report, Mr. SquarePants.
SpongeBob: The whole ship is underwater, Captain!

Captain Krabs: Where is the X? 10,000 paces east!
Patrick: Oh, east? I thought you said "weast"!
Captain Krabs: "Weast"?! What kind of compass are ya reading lad?
Patrick: This one, sir.
Captain Krabs: That's "west", Patrick. You're fired again.

Patrick: I'm so loyal, I haven't bathed in weeks!
SpongeBob: But we've only been out here a couple hours.
Patrick: [giggles] I know.

Rock Bottom (17.2)[edit]

SpongeBob: I guess Grandpa SquarePants was right. "Don't run for a bus." [imitates his grandpa] "Especially one that's going up at a 90-degree angle."

[SpongeBob and Patrick are stranded in Rock Bottom]
SpongeBob: It sure is weird around here. Kind of different. Even the soil looks different. [scoops up a handful of soil]
Soil: Would you- [blows raspberry] -Mind- [blows raspberry] -Putting me down?

Patrick: SpongeBob, I don't like it here. It's dark and scary. I don't want to be here! I wanna go home! Look, I can't even tell the bathrooms apart!

SpongeBob: [his stomach growls as he waits for the next bus] Getting kinda hungry. Glove candy dispenser! Good thing I went to Glove World. [takes out a glove candy dispenser and eats several pieces of candy, but then spits them out in disgust] Ewww! Glove-flavored!

[Bus station closes and Spongebob is left in the darkness]
SpongeBob: This isn't your average everyday darkness. This is... ADVANCED DARKNESS. Hey! If I close my eyes, it doesn't seem so dark!

Episode 18[edit]

Texas (18.1)[edit]

[After Sandy sings a song about returning to her home, Texas]
Patrick: Do you think she knows the Muffin Man song?
SpongeBob: Patrick, she sang that song from her heart. She really misses Texas!
Patrick: Well! Let's get some Texas and bring it down here!
SpongeBob: Patrick, we can't... [comes with an idea] That's it! Patrick? Your genius is showing!
Patrick: [mishears, and frantically covers himself] Where!?!

[Sandy has take the bus back to Texas.]

SpongeBob: I can't believe she's gone.
Patrick: Yeah. What's so great about dumb ol' Texas? [the bus suddenly comes back and Sandy comes out angry]
Sandy: What did you say?!
Patrick: [scared] Texas is dumb?
Sandy: [as the bus leaves; points at SpongeBob] Don't you DARE take the name of Texas in vain!
SpongeBob: You mean, we can't say anything about dumb ol' Texas?
Sandy: No! You can't!
Patrick: Oh, then... can we say people from Texas are dumb?
Sandy: No! YOU CAN'T SAY NOTHIN' ABOUT TEXAS!
SpongeBob: [clearly gets an idea] Oh! So, you mean, we can't say anything bad about... [turns and shakes his rear] ..."TEEEEXAAASSS"!?!
Sandy: [angry] I'M WARNIN' YOU, SPONGEBOB!!!
SpongeBob: Look, Patrick! I'm Texas! [marches in a circle, loopy] "Duh, howdy, y'all! Howdy y'all!"
Patrick: I'm Texas, too! [walks in circle] "Get a dog, little longie! Get a dog!"
SpongeBob: [laughs, overlapping] "Howdy y'all! Howdy y'all!"
Patrick: "Get a dog little longie! Get a dog!"
Sandy: [more angry] Y'ALL BEST CUT IT OUT!
SpongeBob: [singing with a fake Southern accent, Patrick dances, making armpit farts] "The stars at night are dull and dim, whenever they have to be over dumb ol', stupid Texas!"
[Sandy gets even more angry]
SpongeBob: [in the shape of Texas] Hey, Patrick! What am I now?
Patrick: Uhh... stupid?
SpongeBob: No, I'm "Texas"!
Patrick: What's the difference?! [they laugh]
Sandy: [finally snaps and drops her suitcases] Y'all best apologize, OR I'M GONNA BE ON YOU LIKE UGLY ON AN APE!!!
SpongeBob: You'll have to catch us first! [he and Patrick giggle and run off] We did it! We got her!
Patrick: Krusty Krab, here we come! [turns back at Sandy] Can we say that plants from Texas are dumb?! Can we say that shoes from Texas are dumb?!
SpongeBob: Okay, Patrick. That's enough.
Patrick: Why? Do you think that old slowpoke Texas is gonna...? [looks back, and suddenly gets alarmed]
[Cut to Sandy furiously sprinting after Spongebob and Patrick, Patrick screams judging the fact that his eyes bug out.]
SpongeBob: Run faster, Patrick! [the two take off and scream]

Patrick: [Sandy lassos him and pulled backwards] NO! SPONGEBOB...!!! [SpongeBob keeps running and a nuclear explosion occurs behind him]

Patrick: Yeah, who needs "dumb ol' Texas"?! [Cuts back to live action Island]
Sandy: What did you just say!?!
Patrick: Should I start runnin' now?

Walking Small (18.2)[edit]

Plankton: SpongeBob! Don't let that guy sit on you! Assertive lesson #1: tell that guy to get off!
SpongeBob: Excuse me, sir, you are sitting on my body, which is also my face.
Plankton: No, no... Be assertive!
SpongeBob: [pokes finger into fish's pocket] Bee-beep!
Plankton: Not "insertive"!!

Plankton: SpongeBob, you'll never get what you want! You just let people step all over you. You're just like stairs.

SpongeBob: That's my ice cream cone!
Plankton: Great! NOW LET 'IM HAVE IT!
SpongeBob: [to Eel] You can have it.
Eel: [leaves with SpongeBob's "ice cream"] Say thanks!

Plankton: You'll see...You'll all see! The future site of the Chum Bucket Mega Bucket must be clear to these cretinous beachgoers... but it's becoming increasingly obvious. I can deny it no longer! I am small.

[SpongeBob sees Plankton sitting on a bench with 2 ice cream cones, crying]
SpongeBob: Plankton, what are you doing here... and why are you crying?
Plankton: [tearfully] Oh, hi, SpongeBob. [blows his nose on a tiny handkerchief] I'm crying because I've got these 2 ice cream cones, but I only need 1! [sobbing] I don't know what to do with the other 1!

[A little girl is crying about her sand-covered ice cream. SpongeBob takes the ice cream and uses his eyelashes to dust away the sand. When he gives the girl her treat back, it is sparkling clean]
Plankton: Butterfly kisses. I can't take it. It's too cute. It-it's... disgusting!

SpongeBob: Gee, Plankton, I'm sorry about the Chum Bucket.
Plankton: Forget about that... I just can't take so much kindness in one sitting. [curls into a fetal position and slithers away] NEED... HATRED...
SpongeBob: [last lines] Volleyball anyone? [they rush to Goo Lagoon. Later, SpongeBob is used as their volleyball] Service! [all play with SpongeBob laughing, then grunting after getting hit]

Episode 19[edit]

Fools in April (19.1)[edit]

Evelyn: Can you tell me where the forks are?
SpongeBob: Right here!
Evelyn: But... this is a spoon.
SpongeBob: [giggles] APRIL FOOLS!

Tom: Excuse me, can I get a couple of ice cubes in here, please?
SpongeBob: Sure! A couple of ice cubes coming up! [walks off and then returns with the drink] Here you go!
Tom: Thanks. [drinks his lemonade, SpongeBob giggling with every sip]
SpongeBob: [after he's finished] APRIL FOOLS!
Tom: What did you do to my drink?!
SpongeBob: I-- er, I-- er...
Tom: YOU WHAT?!?!
SpongeBob: You asked for a couple of ice cubes in your drink... AND I ONLY PUT IN ONE!!! [laughs]
Tom: Hey, I guess that is kinda funny! Ha ha… [starts mumbling]

Squidward: April Fools, you little sausage!

Tom: [sarcastically to Squidward] April Fools, jerk.
Squidward's Mother: [manly voice] HEY! YOU STINK!

Neptune's Spatula (XIV.II)[edit]

Patrick: [contemptuously mocks Neptune] He is the new royal fry cook, and you–
King Neptune: [zaps Patrick] SILENCE!
Patrick: Is it hot in here or what? [falls over]
SpongeBob: [gasp] Patrick! You hurt my friend! You're not a king, you're a bully and a liar!
Neptune: So, little one, you think you have what it takes to become my royal fry cook? I will prove your worthlessness. You will be tested with a challenge!
Patrick: [faint, down below; mocks Neptune again] Bring it on! SpongeBob can handle any– [gets zapped again] Ouch.
Neptune: Your friend's arrogance will cost you dearly. There will be two challenges.
Patrick: [mocks Neptune again] Only two. What are two challenges to someone like SpongeBob? [zaps Patrick again]
Neptune: Three challenges!
Patrick: Three?! [laughs contemptuously] Three challenges is nothing. Might as well be 500 challenges!
Neptune: ENOUGH! [zaps Patrick into a dust pile]
Patrick: He'll settle for one.
Neptune: There will be but one challenge. You will face me in... The Ultimate Cook-Off!
SpongeBob: I will accept your challenge... if you fix my friend.
Neptune: Ah, yes, the round one. I shall restore him. [zaps Patrick to normal]

Neptune: This accursed stove has burnt my finger. Feel thy own wrath, stove! [uses his powers to zap the stove] Haha!
SpongeBob: What did I tell you about using your powers, 'trainee'?
Neptune: [sighs] Perfect patties are made with love, not magic.

Episode 20[edit]

Hooky (20.1)[edit]

Mr. Krabs: [in a customer's face] The hooks! The hooks!
Customer: How 'bout a mint?

Mr. Krabs: So, there I was, minding my own business--
Squidward: I'd love to hear another of your riveting sea tales, but I have to do my wastebasket inspections. [holds a wastebasket on his head] Mmm-hmm... mmm-hmm... oh, yeah, there's one...

Mr. Krabs: The hooks, me bucko. They're back. Beware the hooks.
SpongeBob: The hooks?
Mr. Krabs: Aye, the hooks. They dangle down and draw you close with their pleasing shapes and beguiling colors, and just when you think you've found the land of milk and honey, they grab ya by the britches, and haul you way up high, and higher, and HIGHER, AND HIGHER, until you're hauled up to the surface, flopping and gasping for breath! And then they cook ya, and then they eat ya... or worse!
SpongeBob: [terrified] What could be worse than that?
Mr. Krabs: [softly] Gift shops.

Patrick: Are you gonna listen to a big dummy, or are you gonna listen to me?
SpongeBob: Uhh...

Patrick: Good morning, Krusty Crew!
SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick!
Patrick: Guess what - the carnival's in town! Come on, let's go!
SpongeBob: I can't leave now, I'm working.
Patrick: It's not leaving. You're just taking a break.
[SpongeBob grins and slithers silently out of the Krusty Krab kitchen to join Patrick]

SpongeBob: Stop, Patrick! Don't touch it! This isn't the carnival, Patrick. Those are hooks! Mr. Krabs said they're really dangerous!
Patrick: [sits on a hook's barbed end to think about it, then smiles] I sense no danger here. How could they be dangerous? They're covered with free cheese!
SpongeBob: All I know is Mr. Krabs said-- Patrick, don't do that!
[Patrick eats a block of cheese straight off a hook]
Patrick: Mmmmm... cheesy. No danger here! Come on, try it!

Patrick: [with many hooks in his mouth] SpongeBob, let me ask you something... does this look dangerous?
SpongeBob: [now horribly frightened] AAAAAUGGH!!! Patrick, don't!
Patrick: Lighten up, will ya, or do I have to eat all this cheese by myse–? Whoaaah...!!!
[Suddenly the hook Patrick is holding onto jerks into the air, taking Patrick up towards the surface]
SpongeBob: [terrified] PATRICK! HELP! [running around like crazy] Oh, Patrick! Help! Oh, Patrick, come back! Oh, my best friend!
[Patrick suddenly floats gently back to the ocean floor, and SpongeBob bumps into him]
SpongeBob: Patrick, you're alive!
Patrick: Am I ever! You should try it!
SpongeBob: But... what about the surface? And your britches... and the gift shops?
Patrick: You just jump off before you go up too high.
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs says I shouldn't be near those things.

[In the Krusty Krab]
Customer 1: Pee-yew! You call this food?!
Customer 2: My sandwich tastes like a fried boot!
Customer 3: My sandwich IS a fried boot!

[The customers get angry and start yelling at Squidward]
Tom: Hurry up, will ya!? We're starving out here, I mean look at us; MY KIDS HAVEN'T EATEN IN DAYS.
Fred: [in the kitchen] That's not how you're supposed to flip it!
Squidward: WHY DO YOU WANNA EAT THIS STUFF ANYWAY?!

[In the Krusty Krab kitchen]
Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward? What the halibut is going on in here?!
Squidward: It's a feeding frenzy, sir, and SpongeBob's still not back from his break!
[Mr. Krabs bursts out laughing]
Squidward: What?
Mr. Krabs: I thought you said SpongeBob was taking a break. Nobody's taken a break at the Krusty Krab since the Chum Famine of '59. [chuckles] Now then, what were you saying?
Squidward: [with emphasis] He took a break. [Mr. Krabs looks at Squidward, and his arms fall off, then his nose falls off, too. Later we see Mr. Krabs storming out the front doors]
Mr. Krabs: Alright, SpongeBob LazyPants, I'll find ya. This nose can smell laziness up to 10,000 leagues. [uses his nose to smell] Aha! I'll give you a break you'll not soon forget!
Squidward: But Mr. Krabs, I still need HELP...!!! [all the customers pick up Squidward like they are a mob]

Mr. Krabs: I want you boys to promise me you'll never go on those hooks again!
Patrick and SpongeBob: We promise, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: I want a sailor's promise! Repeat after me. Yo-ho, yo-ho, near the hooks I'll never go.
Patrick and SpongeBob: Yo-ho, yo-ho, near the hooks we'll never go. [A sharp hook jabs Mr. Krabs in the rear end. He howls in pain and leaps into the air]
Mr. Krabs: YOW! Mother-of-pearl! Fire on the poop deck!
Patrick and SpongeBob: Ahh! Mother-of-pearl! [rubbing their rears] Fire on the poop deck!

SpongeBob: Okay, Gary. Today is a new day, and I am ready to prove myself loyal to Mr. Krabs.
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready, ready, ready.
Patrick: Hey SpongeBob, you're going the wrong way!
SpongeBob: I always go to work this way.

Pearl and friends: Ohh! Look!
Pearl: It's SpongeBob "NUDIE-Pants"!

[Patrick is returned to Bikini Bottom trapped inside a can of tuna]
Patrick: Hello? Does somebody have a can opener?

Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy II (XX.II)[edit]

Mermaid Man: Don't squash his enthusiasm. After all, he could be the hero of tomorrow, or the villain.

Mermaid Man and SpongeBob: [singing] Oh, jingle bells, Mermaid Man smells, Barnacle Boy laid an egg.
The Invisible Boatmobile lost a wheel and...

Atomic Flounder: If I weren't retired, I-I-I-I'd...[blasts Barnacle Boy with atomic breath, a small nuclear explosion occurs where his his head used to be]...do that! Outta my way, punk!

SpongeBob: [to the Dirty Bubble] You're my favorite supervillain. Can I get your autograph? [pulls out paper and a sharp pencil]
Dirty Bubble: [in shock] Oh, no! No! Stay back! The point, watch the point! NOOOOOOO...!!! [SpongeBob pops him]

External links[edit]