SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 2

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Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 | Movies: The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie / Sponge Out of Water / It's a Wonderful Sponge | Main


SpongeBob SquarePants (1999-) is an animated TV series, airing on Nickelodeon about the adventures and endeavors of the title character and his various friends in the fictional underwater city of Bikini Bottom. It spawned a movie, followed by several short films, and video games.

Episode 1[edit]

Your Shoe's Untied (1.1)[edit]

SpongeBob: TADA! A perfect Patty.
Squidward: Alright SpongeBob, hand it over. [waits] Well...?
SpongeBob: [hesitates] Hey Squidward, I've got an idea! How about you come get it?
Squidward: [sarcastically] Oh, gee, SpongeBob, now that's a great idea! And maybe I should cook the Patties and do the dishes, and wear square pants and live in a pineapple... while you wait in the unemployment line!
SpongeBob: No!
Squidward: Then bring the Patty here now!

Squidward: [burps loudly] I think my heart just stopped.

Squidward: It's Sponge… [burps loudly] ...Bob's fault! SpongeBob's fault!

Patrick: [SpongeBob's feet are stomped into the floor of the Krusty Krab] SpongeBob, you're shorter. Have you been dieting?
Spongebob: Heh, well, a sponge has to look his spongiest.

SpongeBob: [hysterically] DOESN'T ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO TIE A KNOOOOOOOOOOT?!!

SpongeBob: [stuck to Painty the Pirate] Could you show me how to tie my shoes?
Painty: Aargh, I be just a painting of a head.

Squid's Day Off (1.2)[edit]

Mr. Krabs: Get away barbarian, look what you've done! Nice, clean money, SOILED!

Mr. Krabs: I can think of 10 good reasons to never let go of a dime, boy. There's got to be another way!

[Squidward races into the Krusty Krab with a fire extinguisher and sprays it everywhere, Spongebob then has a mustache made of the chemical and Squidward has a beard]
Spongebob: May I help you, sir?
Squidward: [Angrily] IT'S ME, YOU DUNCE!!!

Sadie: [covers her son's eyes with her hand] Hey, put some clothes on!
Squidward: [runs past Patrick lying on a rock] The truth will be revealed!
Patrick: [stands up] Whoa-ho, right on, Squidward!

Episode 2[edit]

Something Smells (2.1)[edit]

Patrick: SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Go. Run away like all the others. No one would want a friend as ugly as I am. [slams his hands onto his organ]
Patrick: Sure they would! It makes them feel better about the way they look!

Patrick: Maybe a story will cheer you up. [picks up SpongeBob and seats him in a couch] It's called "The Ugly Barnacle". "Once there was an ugly Barnacle. He was so ugly that everyone died! The end."
SpongeBob: [sadly] That didn't help at all. How long...? How long have I been ugly Patrick?
Patrick: As long as I can remember. You poor ugly thing, you.

Glitch:
SpongeBob: [walks up to a building] I just don't get it.
Patrick: [building flees] I don't either.

Spongebob: HELP ME! I'm so ashamed! I'm spiraling! I'm spiraling! [Patrick slaps him] Thanks, Patrick. [Patrick raises his hand to hit him again] Ah, i-i-it's okay, Patrick! Spiraling, over. [pushes Patrick's arm down]
Patrick: Just do what I do when I have problems. SCREAM!

SpongeBob: I'm ugly and I'm proud, I'm ugly and I'm proud, I'm ugly and I'm proud!
Squidward: Is that what he calls it?

Patrick: What is wrong with you people, afraid to look ugliness in the face!? [picks up SpongeBob and starts waving him around] Well, here! LOOK AT IT! It's ugly, isn't it!? [waves SpongeBob at one group of people] YOU LOOK AT IT!
SpongeBob: Hello. [Group runs off after smelling his breath]
Patrick: [waves SpongeBob at another group] You look at it!
SpongeBob: Hi. [Second group follows suit]
Patrick: [waves him at the entire audience] Look at it! [audience runs off] Look at it! LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT IT!! I WANT ALL OF YOU TO LOOK AT IT!!! [the rest of audience runs off]
SpongeBob: They all ran away, Patrick.
Patrick: I bet there's no one left at the snack bar. [scene cuts to empty snack bar] Hello? Hello…? They must be on break.

SpongeBob: Just remember what we talked about. There's power in pride.
Patrick: [with foul breath pouring out of his mouth] That may be fine for you, but I was one of the beautiful people. Now look at me! I'm almost as ugly as you! I always thought, "If I was as ugly as that guy, I don't know what I would do."
SpongeBob: Patrick...?
Patrick: What's my mom gonna say?! My sister– Wait. I don't have a sister. The bank-- Oh, it's one thing if you have bad shoes or even bad hair, but–
SpongeBob: Patrick! You're not ugly, your breath stinks, really bad.
Patrick: [sighs with foul breath pouring out, which forms a shape of a skull] Ahhhh... what a relief.

[SpongeBob is trying to think of what toppings to use for his sundae. He studies what he has in the cupboard]
SpongeBob: Bananas, cherries...? Boring. Ah, here we go! Onions! Ready, Gary? [We see Gary with a violin]
Gary: Meow. [Sad violin music begins to play, and SpongeBob bursts into tears as he cuts up the onions]

SpongeBob: [Leans over towards a fish in the audience] Excuse me, sir. I hope my horrible ugliness won't be a distraction to you.
Fish: Not at all, boy. [catches a whiff of SpongeBob's breath and shrieks in disgust] DEUUEAUGH!

[SpongeBob is appalled at how putrid Patrick's breath is]
SpongeBob: Oh, barnacles, Patrick! What did you eat?!
Patrick: Oh, some roast beef, some chicken and pizza...
SpongeBob: [holding his nose] No, I mean just this morning.
Patrick: Some roast beef, some chicken and pizza...

Patrick: Okay, say it. [SpongeBob hesitates] Say it.
SpongeBob: I can't.
Patrick: SpongeBob, you're never gonna feel better 'till you get this thing off your chest. [Shows alien-ish, purple octopus thing on SpongeBob's chest]
SpongeBob: I know, Patrick. [removes the thing]

Patrick: [after eating sundae] Ahh... [feels uneasy] Ohh...! I gotta go to the restroom!

Bossy Boots (2.2)[edit]

Pearl: Who wants to eat a place they think is crusty. [gagging noise]
Squidward: Well sure it's a terrible name but this is a terrible place

Squidward: [deadpan] Rage, fury, irritation, humiliation...
Pearl: Squidward is such a barnacle.
SpongeBob: A stick in the sand.

[Pearl gives SpongeBob his new uniform, a bright pink body suit covered with bright purple flowers]
Pearl: Oh, SpongeBob, you look so adorable! I could just eat you up!
SpongeBob: [playing along] Sorry, Pearl. This item's not on the menu!

Pearl: SpongeBob, what do you like better? The Kutie Krab...or the Kooky Krab?
Squidward: For what, dare I ask?
Pearl: The new name for our new look. I mean, "The Krusty Krab" has got to go. Who wants to eat at a place they think is crusty? Bleh!
Squidward: Well, sure it's a terrible name, but this is a terrible place. Therefore, the name should be left alone. Right, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: I got it! How about The Khaotic Krab?
Pearl: Hmm... how about The Kissy Krab? [smooches]
SpongeBob: [dressed as a king] The King Krab.
Pearl: [holds up a lollipop] The Kandy Krab!
SpongeBob: [dressed in hip hop clothes] The Kool Krab.
[dressed as a cowboy] Or the Kowboy Krab!
[stretched out] The Kurly Krab!
[dressed as a mad scientist] The Kreepy Krab!
[dressed as a crazy killer jungle man] THE KILLER KRAB!
Pearl: AGH! NO!
SpongeBob: You're right, too scary.
[pause]
SpongeBob and Pearl: The Kuddly Krab! [Both happily hug and laugh]

SpongeBob: The customers may be hot, but my grill is hotter.

[SpongeBob finds, to his horror, that his grill is gone]
SpongeBob: Where's the grill?!
Pearl: Come on, SpongeBob, you're a hip guy. You know fried foods are O-W-T, 'Owt'!
SpongeBob: [weakly] Er... right on.

[Pearl gives SpongeBob the new Kuddly Krab menu]
SpongeBob: [reading the menu] "Salad and tea", but where are the Krabby Patties?
Pearl: Oh silly, those aren't hip.

SpongeBob: Hey, Mr. Krabs! I did it! [finds that Krabs has fainted] AAAAHHH!!! [breaks open a glass case containing a dollar bill and waves it under Krabs' nose]
Mr. Krabs: [weakly] Oh, Pearly... [sniffs] Is that a $20? [grabs dollar]

Woman: It’s a shame old man Krabs sold the Krusty Krab.
Man: That’s a darn shame. Hey, lady! Do you know where we can get a joint to eat around here?
Squidward: THAT’S IT! I QUIT!!! [he rips off his uniform, revealing nothing under it. A police whistle is blown and a cop comes over. He writes him a ticket and places it on his crotch]

Episode 3[edit]

Big Pink Loser (3.1)[edit]

[Patrick showing SpongeBob his award]
SpongeBob: [reading award caption] "For outstanding achievement in achievement" - 'SpongeBob SquarePants'?
Patrick: "SpongeBob SquarePants"? That's a funny way to spell my name.
SpongeBob: Uh, Patrick, I think the award is for me. You must have got it by mistake.
Patrick: [sadly] But, it's shiny! [starts to cry]
SpongeBob: Yeah, but, you know what else is shiny?
Patrick: Ice cream!
SpongeBob: Exactly!
Patrick: I can find it! Is it in here?
SpongeBob: No, don't, that's my-- [Patrick opens door, causing all the trophies inside to collapse] ...Award closet.
Patrick: I WANT AN AWARD!

[Phone rings and Patrick answers it]
Fish: Is this the Krusty Krab?
Patrick: No, this is Patrick. [he hangs up and whistles; phone rings again]
Another fish: Is this the Krusty Krab?
Patrick: [annoyed] No. This is Patrick! [he hangs up again and continues whistling; phone rings again]
Yet another fish: Is this the Krusty Krab?
Patrick: [furiously] NO! THIS IS PATRICK!!! [hangs up again; sulks] I'm not a Krusty Krab.
SpongeBob: Uh... Patrick, that's the name of the restaurant.
Patrick: Huh? [facepalms] OH,... fish paste!

SpongeBob: It look's a little dusty around table 3. How about if you sweep it up?
Patrick: What's the point? I can't do anything right.
SpongeBob: You'll do fine. [Loud noise comes from the mop, Patrick is scraping the wrong end of the mop on the floor]
Phil: [walks up to Patrick] Hey Pal, you just blow in from Stupid Town?

SpongeBob: First, get a jar. [Patrick holds up a pickle]
SpongeBob: Patrick, that's a pickle.
Patrick: Yes.

Sponebob: You need a jar.

(Patrick holds up a spatula)

Spongebob: No.

(Patrick holds up his shorts)

Spongebob: No.

(Patrick holds up Spongebob)

Spongebob: No. Try this. (He hands Patrick a jar)


[SpongeBob is instructing Patrick on how to remove a jar lid]
[Patrick flails his arm grabbing things randomly, to which SpongeBob responds by repeating, "The lid!"]
SpongeBob: FREEZE!!!
[Patrick holding on to the jar panting]
SpongeBob: Almost there... Now head for the lid.
[Patrick, sweating excessively, moves his hand down]
SpongeBob: Cold... [Patrick moves his hand up] Warmer... Warmer... Warmer...
[Patrick puts his hand on the lid]
SpongeBob: You're hot! You're on FIRE!
Patrick: Aaaahh! It burns!

SpongeBob and Patrick: Ha! Darn. Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as... PICKLED FISH LIPS! [both cover their mouth] Sea weevil... gorgy smorgy...
SpongeBob: At least I'm safe inside my mind.
Patrick: At least I'm safe inside my mind.

Bubble Buddy (3.2)[edit]

Squidward: [to SpongeBob] How am I supposed to enjoy your day off if you come to work anyway?!

Squidward: Here, one of everything! No cheese, no crust, no pickles to the left, four sqirts of ketchup, wheat buns, non-dairy lettuce, and farm-raised tomatoes carnival style! And if there is anything else I can do, please hesitate to ask!

SpongeBob: Bubble Buddy, you go dig him up while I get us some ice cream.
Scooter: [buried up to his head in sand; to Bubble Buddy] Don't just stand there, dude! The tide's coming in! [laughs] ...Dude?

SpongeBob: [to Squidward] Bubble Buddy says it tastes funny. What do you think?
Squidward: [annoyed] Mr. Krabs!?!
Mr. Krabs: [after pre-chewing a Krabby Patty for an old lady] Think of the customer!
Squidward: [trying out drink; sarcastic] Oh, silly me. I got the Diet Shampoo.

SpongeBob: Oh, no, Squidward! Wait! There's cheese on these patties!
Squidward: And?
SpongeBob: Bubble Buddy's lactose intolerant. He can't eat cheese! What should we do?
Squidward: [angry] "We"?! How about you take these patties and...?
Mr. Krabs: [offscreen] Mr. Squidward!

SpongeBob: [points to Port-a-Potty] It's his first time on his own.
Harold: Once again, congratulations.

Paco: He kept us waiting for a bubble?!
Larry: That's nothing! He called us fat! [he and other fish rushingly eat celery stalks]
Pearl: [cries] He washed my flipper!
Mr. Krabs: He owes me money!
Squidward: He made me provide excellent service!
Scooter: [as an angel] Dudes, he made me experience high tide! [flies up into heaven] Haw-haw-haw-haw-haw!!

SpongeBob: First I need to find a friend! (holds up as stick) Stick buddy...! Nah. (stands next to a pile of rocks) Rock Buddy...! No. (stands next to a sink) Sink buddy! Almost.

Tom: He poisoned our water supply, burned our crops and delivered a plague onto our houses!
Protesters: He did?!
Tom: No! But are we just gonna wait around until he does?!
Mr. Krabs: I say: WE TIP SOMETHING OVER!!!

Patrick: SpongeBob, went to get more giant paper. Uhhhh, Patrick. P.S. Happy Leif Erickson Day!

Episode 4[edit]

Dying For Pie (4.1)[edit]

Mr. Krabs: So, are you ready?
Squidward: To go home?
Mr. Krabs: No, to exchange gifts for Employee Brotherhood Day!
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, you pay me to stand behind this register, and take orders, and give change. But you could never pay me enough to act brotherly towards that guy! [points to SpongeBob]

Mr. Krabs: You had to kill him. The boy cries you a sweater of tears... and you kill him.

Squidward: Well, we'd better get started on this list before you die... of anticipation.

SpongeBob: You know, if I were to die right now in some sort of fiery explosion due to the carelessness of a friend, well, that would just be okay.

Squidward: Now, may I resume my minimum-wage duties?
Mr. Krabs: After you present your Brotherhood Gift.
Squidward: I'll buy the little twerp a gumball.

[Squidward presents a pie he purchased from a gang of pirates to Mr. Krabs]
Squidward: OK, here it is, Mr. Krabs, fresh from the oven. I'll be returning to my life now.
Mr. Krabs: Not yet! I gotta make sure you did it right. [takes a tiny piece of the pie and starts to eat it, then stops himself] Wait a second! This would go great with some milk! [Mr. Krabs starts to get himself a carton of milk, but then he stumbles and drops the tiny crumb of pie, which causes a powerful explosion that blasts a large hole through the wall of Mr. Krabs' office]

[Squidward has explained everything about the pie he has just brought to Mr. Krabs]
Squidward: ...And that's what happened!
Mr. Krabs: $25? A BOMB?
Both: IN THE KRUSTY KRAB?!

Squidward: You're right, Mr. Krabs! I'm going to make SpongeBob's final hours the best he's ever had! And this time, there's gonna be love! So much, he's gonna drown in it! [turns to grab the door and turns his head at Mr. Krabs after opening it] DROWN IN IT!
[Once Squidward has left the room, Mr. Krabs takes out a pencil and a clipboard and jots down a note]
Mr. Krabs: Note to self: Watch out for Squidward.

[Squidward and SpongeBob leave the Krusty Krab together to complete SpongeBob's Friendship List]
SpongeBob: Bye, Mr. Krabs! [Mr. Krabs bursts into tears as he watches SpongeBob leave, and he puts up a "Help Wanted" sign and walks away, still sobbing]
SpongeBob: [in a low voice] Heads up, Squidward. Looks like they're gonna replace you.

SpongeBob: Yep, this is great just the three of us. You, me... and this brick wall you built between us.

[Squidward sees that SpongeBob is still around, even though SpongeBob was supposed to have blown up by now]
Squidward: Why are you still here?
SpongeBob: Well, since we finished everything on the list, I thought I'd make up a new one. I already filled up this book with ideas. [reveals a large, thick book to Squidward] We should be able to finish by January.
Squidward: [slaps the book away from SpongeBob] FORGET THE BOOK!!! I spent the whole day with you, doing all kinds of ridiculous things because YOU were supposed to EXPLODE!
SpongeBob: You want me to explode?
Squidward: YES! That's what I've been waiting for.
SpongeBob: [hesitantly] Um... okay, I'll try. [explodes verbally]GARY YOU ARE GONNA FINISH YOUR DESSERT, AND YOU ARE GONNA LIKE IT!! [laughs] Now, it's your turn.
Squidward: [yelling in SpongeBob's face and hopping mad] That's not what I meant, you barnacle head!
SpongeBob: Ooh, good one.
Squidward: NO! You're supposed to explode into a million pieces!
SpongeBob: Why would I do that?
Squidward: Because the pie you ate was a bomb!
SpongeBob: What pie?
Squidward: The one that I left sitting on the counter this morning, that I bought from pirates for $25, and I didn't know it was a bomb, and you ate it... th... [points at SpongeBob] That pie.
SpongeBob: [thinking] Pie... Pie. ...Oh! You mean this pie? [Holds the pie up, to much for Squidward's surprise] I was saving it in my pocket, for us to share. [starts to move forward] Let's eat! [trips on a rock] Oops! [SpongeBob starts to move forward, but then trips on a rock. The pie flies into Squidward's face, and the pie goes off with the force of an atomic bomb]
Squidward: Ow.

Imitation Krabs (4.2)[edit]

Fish Robot: Are you SpongeBob SquarePants? [SpongeBob looks in a mirror]
SpongeBob: Why, yes—yes I am. [the fish robot holds up a big check]
Fish Robot: Then you've just won $1,000,000! [SpongeBob gasps] You just have to answer one question. What is the Krabby Patty secret formula? [SpongeBob inhales] Yes? [SpongeBob inhales more] Yes!? [SpongeBob inhales even more] YES!?!
SpongeBob: [quickly] The Krabby Patty formula is the sole property of the Krusty Krab and may only be discussed in part or in whole with its creator Mr. Krabs. Duplication of this formula is punishable by law. Restrictions apply, results may vary.

SpongeBob: I thought you wanted to ask me a question.
Mr. Krabs: [angrily] Yes, why aren't you working harder?!
SpongeBob: [blankly] I don't know, Mr. Krabs. I don't know...

Plankton: I'll never get that formula with that pest Krabs popping in and out like that. I've got it! I've been saving this for a rainy day. It looks like an ordinary penny... because it is an ordinary penny!

Plankton/Imitation Krabs: [sees Mr. Krabs go after the penny that rolling down the road] Nothing stops me from getting that secret formula now! [He cuts the Krust Krab sign with the claw of the robot Mr. Krabs and runs in circles laughing, the sign falls and lands on the robot] OUCH!

Imitation Krabs: Don't listen to him, SpongeBob. Remember-- Ravioli ravioli, give me the formuoli.

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, no! Don't listen to him! I'm the real Mr. Krabs!
Imitation Krabs: Don't listen to him...He's obviously a robot.
Mr. Krabs: Well, if I was a robot, which I'm not, at least I'm well put together, not some kind of steam-driven junk!!
Imitation Krabs: Who you calling "steam-driven"...?
SpongeBob: QUIET! Until I know who the real Mr. Krabs is... no one moves... nobody gets hurt. [Zooms out to reveal that SpongeBob is using a hose of tartar sauce]
Mr. Krabs and Imitation Krabs: Tartar sauce?!

Imitation Krabs: Formula time?
SpongeBob: Almost.
Narrator: 6 and a 1/2 hours later.

Imitation Krabs: Yum-yum, this spaghetti sure is good. Blech!
Both: Meatball meatball, spaghetti underneath,
ravioli ravioli, Great Barrier Reef!
[they clap]
Imitation Krabs: Okay, now let's hear that formula.
SpongeBob: Sorry, no can do, Mr. Krabs.
Imitation Krabs: WHAT?!
Plankton: [in rage] But we did everything you said! I followed all the rules! I even ate 105 black licorice jellybeans through a straw!
Imitation Krabs: Now, why won't you tell me the formula?!?

Plankton: "Coin-operated self-destruct"? Not one of my better ideas.

SpongeBob: Sorry, Mr. Krabs. I thought you were a phony.
Mr. Krabs: It's alright, as long as the formula's safe. However, that penny's coming out of your paycheck! [they laugh]
SpongeBob: Really?

Squidward: I thought the most important rule was "Why do today what you can put off 'til Tomorrow?".
Mr. Krabs: What is today, but Yesterday's Tomorrow.

SpongeBob: So long, Imitation Krabs! Bye bye.

SpongeBob: First question: What time does the Krusty Krab open?
Imitation Krabs: 9:30 A.M.
SpongeBob: Right. [to Mr. Krabs] That's 1 strike, Mr. Fake.
Mr. Krabs: But--
SpongeBob: Nuh-uh-uh! I'm running this quiz show, I'll ask the questions. If there's gonna be any 'buts', they're gonna be from me. Okay, question #2: How much does a Krabby Patty cost?
Mr. Krabs: $2.99¢!
SpongeBob: ...On Wednesday?
Imitation Krabs: 99¢!
SpongeBob: Right again! [to Mr. Krabs] You're starting to look pretty phony right about now. I'd be nervous if I were you. Now only the really real Mr. Krabs could answer this: If we're discussing the secret formula on the third Wednesday in January and it's not raining outside after we've gargled with vanilla pudding, what do we do?
Mr. Krabs: That's an easy one. You just... just... let's see... if its, uh... if it's January... with... with vanilla pudding... you, uh... pass...? [Mr. Krabs is shot out of the Krusty Krab with tartar sauce into a fry basket] Wait, SpongeBob! Give me another chance! NOOOO!!!!!

SpongeBob: [spots Plankton's penny] Don't forget your lucky penny! [slots it into the robot reading "$1 SELF DESTRUCT"]
Imitation Krabs: Yoinks.
SpongeBob: This must be your lucky day! [laughs]
[Inside the robot]
Karen: The self-destruct coin slot has been activated. 10 seconds 'till detonation.
Plankton: Coin-operated self-destruct? Not one of my better ideas.
Imitation Krabs: [screams; flees back to the Chum Bucket, only to then explode with the restaurant's glove smashing on him]
Plankton: Ouch!
SpongeBob: [the formula rolls back to him] If that was Plankton? ...Uh-oh.

Episode 5[edit]

Wormy (5.1)[edit]


Patrick: Pet-sitting? Won't that hurt them?

Squidward: Well, if "Moron Theater's" over, I just going to take a look at this "monster".

Squidward: That's it. I'm getting off the loony express.

[Patrick communicates musically with Sandy's pet bird]
SpongeBob: Gee, Patrick, I didn't know you spoke bird.
Patrick: No, that's Italian, SpongeBob.

[After spending a perfect day with "Wormy"]
Patrick: Gee, SpongeBob, I don't want today to end, ever.
SpongeBob: I know, Patrick. Days like today come around once, maybe twice in a lifetime.

[When SpongeBob hints that the "monster" must have eaten Wormy]
Patrick: WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?!

Patty Hype (5.2)[edit]

SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick, are you angry too?
Patrick: Yeah!
SpongeBob: What's the matter?
Patrick: I can't see my forehead!

Patrick: SpongeBob, sometimes we have to look deep inside ourselves to find the answers to our problems.
SpongeBob: I'm scared.
Patrick: Then I'm goin' in for ya! [climbs in SpongeBob's head; SpongeBob's face swells up] Sorry. Stupid inflatable pants!

Mr. Krabs: [about SpongeBob missing the Krusty Krab] I bet you miss Squidward, and the grill, and the crow's nest.
SpongeBob: Yeah, yeah! And you know what I miss the most, Mr. Krabs? That tiny squeaky sound you get when you rub two pickles together. Do you know what I mean Mr. Krabs?

Scooter: Your dumb Pretty Patties turned my face purple!
Scottish Fish: Look what I got under me kilt! [shows up a plaid pattern on his body]
Fish #15, 16 and 17: And look at our tongues! [they reveal their tongues, which have various designs on them. Fish #17's tongue appears normal]
Mr. Krabs: What's wrong with yours?
[Fish #17 pulls a nearby light switch, showing that his tongue is glowing in the dark]
Fish #17: We want our money back. All 46,853 of us. [turns lights back on, but Mr. Krabs is not there]
Fish #18: Hey, where'd he go?
[There shows Mr. Krabs running, screaming, followed by the angry mob, leaving a rainbow behind them]
Mr. Krabs: [hurls his face into the Krusty Krab door] My key! Where's my key? SpongeBob! SpongeBob, let me in! [While Mr. Krabs is shouting for SpongeBob, he is too busy rubbing two pickles together]

Episode 6[edit]

Grandma's Kisses (6.1)[edit]

Patrick: I'm sorry that happened to you, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Me, too.
Patrick: You're the most adult person I know.
SpongeBob: Thanks, Patrick.
Patrick: You know how grandmas are, they love babies. You just can't act like a baby around her.
SpongeBob: You're right, Patrick.
Patrick: Have I ever not been right? [cut to pictures of SpongeBob on a giant red firecracker, with a giant funnel in his mouth while Patrick holds a giant pumpkin, and him and Patrick in black speedos] You're a man now, SpongeBob, and it's time you starting acting like one.
SpongeBob: Yeah! Oh… but I'm not sure I know how.
Patrick: Allow me to demonstrate. First, puff out your chest. [SpongeBob obediently does so] Now say "tax exemption".
SpongeBob: Tax exemption.
Patrick: Now, you must acquire a taste for free-form jazz. [jazz music plays] Okay, SpongeBob. You're ready!

SpongeBob: Isn't this great? Everybody's in a good mood today.
Squidward: I love bursting your bubble, SpongeBob, but they're laughing at you, not with you.
SpongeBob: Did I do something funny?
Squidward: Your forehead. [points to the kiss]
SpongeBob: My forehead is funny?
Charlie: Hey, hey, Grandma's boy? Kissy-kissy-kissy! [everyone laughs]
SpongeBob: No, you're wrong! There's nothing wrong with getting kisses from your grandma.
Charlie: No, especially if you're a big baby who wears diapers! [everyone laughs] And sucks his thumb, and plays with dolls and, um… wears pajamas with feet in 'em, and carries his, um... blankie around and, uh–
Customers: All right already! [Nicole literally punches Charlie!]
Squidward: Cheer up, SpongeBob. I know someone who still likes you.
SpongeBob: Really? You do, Squidward?
Squidward: Yeah, your grandma! [everyone laughs]
SpongeBob: STOP IT! [everyone stops] I have been publicly humiliated for the last time! [runs off crying]

Patrick: Being grown up is boring. I love being a baby. Besides, I don't get jazz.

Grandma: You don't have to be a baby to get all of Grandma's love.
SpongeBob: I don't?
Grandma: Of course not. No matter how big you get, you will always be my little baby boo, and remember, you can kiss your grandma and still be an adult.

SpongeBob: Sorry, grandmother, but the kissing has to stop.
Patrick: Tell her like it is, SpongeBob. No more baby stuff.
SpongeBob: He is right, Grandmother. Kisses are for babies, which I am no longer. I have grown up. It is nature's way.
Grandma: Oh, you are absolutely right.
SpongeBob: I am? I mean, of course I am.
Grandma: You will definitely not be treated like a baby around here anymore ever again.
SpongeBob: I am glad you see it my way, grandmother. [puts on a hat]
Grandma: Well, I'm glad that's settled, but what am I going to do with all these fresh baked cookies?

SpongeBob: What wonders await me today? Fresh baked cookies, storytime, a sweater with love in every stitch? Aw, what am I waiting for?! [runs eagerly to his grandmother's house] Grandma, Grandma, Grandma!
Grandma: [steps out of her house and welcomes SpongeBob with open arms] SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: [throws himself into his grandma's arms and they share a long hug] Hi, Grandma!

SpongeBob: Grandma, you make the best cookies in the deep blue sea.

[Grandma is busy baking cookies]
Grandma: Now, who wants to lick the spoon?
SpongeBob: [raising his hand] Me, me!
Grandma: [telling SpongeBob a story while he licks the spoon] ...And then we drove all the way home with all the windows rolled down in the freezing cold.
SpongeBob: [sweetly] Tell me another story about when I was a baby.

SpongeBob: Uh… Grandma, could you not mention this to the guys down at the Krusty Krab?
Grandma: No problem. [hugs SpongeBob]
[Outside, Squidward and everyone else are laughing through the window]

SpongeBob: Uh, I don't need to leave yet. I can be late for work.
Grandma: [puts a blanket over Patrick as he lays on the couch] No, no, no. That wouldn't be the adult thing to do. (Would it?)
SpongeBob: Alright, I guess I'll be going. I've, uh… got a lot of adult-type business to take care of, so… uh, I'll see ya later.
Grandma: Okay, thanks for stopping by, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Yep, that is it. Here I go.
Grandma: Come again if you get the chance.
SpongeBob: [opens the door] Out into the cold, grown-up world... alone... without a sweater.
Grandma: Toodleloo.
SpongeBob: I don't know when I'll be back.
Grandma: I know how busy you are.
SpongeBob: So, uh… that's it. [Patrick is sleeping]
Grandma: Shh, he's asleep.
SpongeBob: [slowly closes the door] Soooo loonng… [closes it… but then opens it with sad eyes] (I can't do it!) I don't wanna grow up! I want cookies and milky, I want a sweater with love in the stitches, I wanna wear diadies, I wanna ride in my wagon, I wanna cuddle-wuddle with Mr. Stuffykins, I wanna rocky-rock on my sea horsey, and I want kissy-kissy on my boo-boo! [wailing for 2 minutes]

Squidville (6.2)[edit]

[Squidward answers his telephone]
Squidward: 304 New Life Street. Squidward speaking. [SpongeBob is heard speaking, but all that is heard is gibberish] There is no way I am moving back there, SpongeBob! I am finally among my own kind. [More phone gibberish] Now, goodbye! [slams down the receiver]
[SpongeBob is shown with Patrick. Patrick speaks gibberish, to which SpongeBob responds with more of it]

Squidward: SpongeBob, this is the final straw. I'm going to move so far away that I will be able to brag about it. I would... [a piece of debris from his house falls on his head] I would rather tear out my brain-stem, carry it out into the middle of the nearest 4-way intersection, and skip rope with it, than go on living where I do now.
[A TV falls on the ground]
Announcer: Hi, there! Is this the final straw? Do you want to move so far away that you can brag about it? Would you rather tear out your brain-stem, walk out to the middle of the nearest 3-way–
Squidward: 4-way!
Announcer: 4-way intersection and skip rope with it, than continue living where you do now? Then move to–
Patrick: [suddenly changes the channel to a static screen] I hate this channel.
Squidward: NO, NO! [changes it back]
Announcer: ...Tentacle Acres! Where happiness is just a suction cup away!

SpongeBob: [hugging a squid that looks like Squidward from the back] Squidward, we finally found you.
Squid: Get off me! I'm not Squidward! [There is a brief pause]
Patrick: Are you Squidward now?

[SpongeBob and Patrick approach Tentacle Acres]
SpongeBob: Here it is, Patrick. Now we just gotta convince Squidward to come back home. You got our apology cake?
[Patrick holds up a large cake with the word "Sorry" written on it in icing. He keeps the cake safe in his pants]
SpongeBob: We're ready!
Patrick: Ying!

Security Guard: Hello, can I help you?
Patrick: Can I get a large #1, extra-sized?
SpongeBob: But you just ate 3 orders of fried oyster skins.
Patrick: [with foul breath] I love fried oyster skins.
Security Guard: We're sorry, but your kind isn't allowed here. [turns to his partner] He's not leaving, Orville. You got your nightstick ready? [Patrick's putrid breath wafts under their noses] Fried oyster skins!? [Both keel over in a dead faint. One security guard hits his head on the button that opens the front gate, allowing SpongeBob and Patrick to enter the city.]
Patrick: Guess we have to order inside.

Octopus 1: What are you looking at?
Octopus 2: Those.

Patrick: [to a random squid] Are you Squidward?
SpongeBob: [to a random squid] Are you Squidward?
Patrick: [to a fire hydrant] Are you Squidward? That's okay, take your time.
SpongeBob: Any one of these Squidwards could be the real Squidward, Patrick! [they see Squidward flying out of Tentacle Acres using a reefblower as a jetpack] Well, we know one thing - it sure isn't that guy!

Squidward: This city needs to be destroyed! Or at least painted a different color.

Episode 7[edit]

Pre-Hibernation Week (7.1)[edit]

Sandy: I'm hotter than a hickory smoked sausage!

Sandy: Alpha Team search uptown, Gold Team searches downtown. Any questions?
Frank the Muscular Fish: Gold team rules!

Sandy: Status report!
Fish: He's not in the sea urchin cove...
Sandy: Well look again!
Vera: He's not at the leech farm...
Sandy: Well look again!
Squidward: He's not in my thoughts.
Sandy: Well think again!

Squidward: How about a break? We've been at it for days!
Debbie: Think about the children!
Sandy: That's a good idea! Use the children to get to places you couldn't normally reach!
Fish: This is a load of barnacles.
Sandy: I heard that!

Fish: Oh wait, uh, here he is! [picks up random fish]
Sandy: That ain't Spongebob. Spongebob is square?
Fish: [squeezes random fish into a square]
Random fish: I'm ready, I'm ready.
Sandy: No, you ain't.
Charlie: [holding a cereal box] I found Squarebob!
Sandy: That's just a cereal box! Besides, he's yellow!
Random fish: [holding a banana] Uh, here he is! Can I go home now?

SpongeBob: [when Sandy says they're going to bike through the park] Gee! That sounds safe! I mean fun.

[Everyone in Bikini Bottom is hiding under Patrick's house]
Patrick: [looks at all the eyes sticking out from under his rock] Who are you people!?!

[Sandy finds Spongebob's clothes hanging off of a bush]
Sandy: Spongebob's tie... and all his other little dressin's? But... Spongebob always folds his clothes before running around... IN THE NUDE! Something terrible must have happened to him!

Fish: That squirrel's gone crazy!
Girl Fish: But she'll never look under a rock.
SpongeBob: [laughs] You said it! Sandy'll never find us!

Life of Crime (7.2)[edit]

SpongeBob: [Off-screen] What do you wanna do today?
[The scene shows a medium tracking shot of Patrick and SpongeBob. SpongeBob is hunched over and is dragging his arms. Patrick is moving the top of his torso and head in the z-direction]
Patrick: I dunno. What do you wanna do today?
SpongeBob: I dunno. What do you wanna do today?
Patrick: I dunno. What do you wanna do today?
SpongeBob: I dunno. What do you wanna do today?
Patrick: [sees balloons] I KNOW WHAT I WANNA DO TODAY.

Patrick: No, wait! Instead of borrowing the money, why don't we just borrow the balloon?!
SpongeBob: Yeah, like Mr. Krabs!
Patrick: It's just borrowing, right?
SpongeBob: Yeah, and borrowing is okay as long as we bring it back, right?
Patrick: Right!
[The scene changes to show a wide shot of Lou giving a balloon to Monroe Timmy a balloon. SpongeBob takes a red balloon, while he whistles. He runs off. SpongeBob and Patrick run with the balloon, while laughing.]
Patrick: This is so great!
SpongeBob: We're going to have so much fun! First we can run with the balloon!
Patrick: Yeah, then we can go to the beach with the balloon!
SpongeBob: Yeah! then we can take a bike ride with the balloon. Then we can go to the movies and the arcade and the ice rink and the pizza shop!
Patrick: And the moon and the sky and under a car, behind the dumpster!
SpongeBob: And the candy shop!
Patrick: And then my backyard!
SpongeBob: And in a plane!
Patrick: And over a rock!
SpongeBob: And under a hill!
Patrick: And with a whale!
SpongeBob and Patrick: We love borrowing!
[The balloon pops. Both look flabbergasted and sullen.]
SpongeBob: It popped…
[Both take another look, quietly. After looking at the popped balloon, they scream.]
Patrick: How are we going to return it now, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: [while picking up the balloon pieces] I got the pieces!
Patrick: [put his hands in the "air"] I got the air!
SpongeBob: Hurry, put the pieces on! [puts the pieces in a balloon shape in the "air", but it falls to the ground] We popped the balloon! We can't return it! We're thieves! We have to confess!
Patrick: Confess!? Are you out of your mind? Do you have any idea what they do to people like us!? We're not talking about some dumb mail fraud scheme or a hijacking here… WE STOLE A BALLOON!! And they're gonna lock us up forever.

SpongeBob: We've got to move fast and cover our tracks!
Patrick: [holds a paintbrush covered in red paint on the ground behind him as he runs, to paint over their footprints] I'm on it, SpongeBob!

Patrick: I wanna go home.
SpongeBob: We can never go home, Pat; We’re wanted men. We’ll spend the rest of our lives running... running, but at least it’s warmer on the fire.
Patrick: Hey, if we’re underwater, how could there be a...? [The fire dissolves] I’m scared, SpongeBob.

[SpongeBob holds up two candy bars]
SpongeBob: Look what I've got!
Patrick: Rectangles!
SpongeBob: Not just rectangles. Candy bars! [gives Patrick a candy bar] All we have to do is make them last the rest of our lives.
Patrick: Thanks, SpongeBob. I think I'll eat it now! [Patrick eats it in one bite and pauses for a few seconds] I think I'll eat it now! [goes to eat a non-existent chocolate bar and bites his hand instead] Ow! Wha...? [sees his hand has nothing in it] Where did my candy bar go? I must have dropped it!
SpongeBob: You just ate it, Patrick. It's all over your face.
Patrick: Where did it go? [grunting] I can't find it! Where could it possibly be? [looks up, sees SpongeBob still holding his candy bar] Aha!
SpongeBob: What?
Patrick: You stole my candy bar!
SpongeBob: No, I didn't.
Patrick: Oh, so that's how it is, huh? Once a thief, always a thief!
SpongeBob: You ate yours, this is mine!
Patrick: You took my only food. [shows his obese belly] Now I'm gonna starve!
SpongeBob: [holds his bar forward] Here Patrick. Just take half of mine.
Patrick: Yours?! You mean mine!
SpongeBob: Do you want it or what?!
Patrick: I don't want it unless you admit you took it!
SpongeBob: This is my candy bar!
Patrick: LIAR LIAR, 'PLANTS FOR HIRE'!
SpongeBob: It's "pants on fire", Patrick.
Patrick: Well, you would know... liar!
Spongebob: Well, if you're going to be that way... I'll eat it myself!
Patrick: You better not. I'm warning you!

Patrick: You're a crazy person! I should have expected this after the way you stole that balloon!
SpongeBob: Did I, Patrick? Did I... or did your criminal mind hypnotize me to steal it?

Police: If you can't do the time, don't do the crime. [locks SpongeBob and Patrick in jail cell and opens it again after a second] Okay, time's up. Now, get out!
SpongeBob: But... we stole a balloon.
Police: Yeah... on free balloon day! [They laugh, SpongeBob and Patrick are confused]

Police: How about some lollipops for the roads, boys? [gives one to each of them]
SpongeBob: Let's vow never to borrow anything without permission again!
Patrick: You said it! [They lean them together, Patrick's is suddenly eaten. He looks at the empty stick] All right! Which one of you flatfoots stole my lollipop? [Everyone laughs, cut to above the water at night]
SpongeBob: Oh, brother.
Patrick: I mean it.

Christmas Who? (Episode 8)[edit]


Squidward: I can't believe anyone would celebrate a holiday where a jolly prowler breaks into your house and leaves gifts.
Patrick: Like a genie.

SpongeBob: [trying to get Squidward to join them in all the Christmas fun] C'mon, Squidward! What have you got to lose?
Squidward: My self-respect, my sanity, my lunch. [closes the door]

[Spongebob hands Patrick a pencil]
Patrick: Yippee! A writing stick!

SpongeBob: What did you wish for?
Mr. Krabs: A pony.
SpongeBob: Really?
Mr. Krabs: With saddlebags full of money!

SpongeBob: [to Squidward, who is disguised as Santa Claus] I knew you would come, Santa! Hey, Santa, where's your big, round belly?
"Santa" (Squidward): Uh, that is a part of, um... undersea pressure on my body.
SpongeBob: Where's your reindeer and your big flying machine?
"Santa": Uh... I loaned them to the Easter bunny.
SpongeBob: Hey, Santa, where's your big nose? [pulls down Squidward's nose] I knew you were supposed to have a big one, but that thing's gigantic! [laughs]
"Santa": [holds his nose] Alright, alright, I'm Santa!
SpongeBob: Santa! This is the greatest gift you could have given me. Thank you, for bringing Christmas to Bikini Bottom.
"Santa": I didn't bring Christmas to Bikini Bottom, SpongeBob. You did. [pats Spongebob]
SpongeBob: I did? Ohhh... [faints, he is taken back home by Gary]

[Patchy the Pirate is eating cookie dough straight from the bowl]
Patchy the Pirate: Mmmm... unbaked cookie dough!
Potty the Parrot: Squawk! Potty want cookie dough.
Patchy: No, Potty! No! Don't, Potty! Potty...
Potty: Squawk! Give us a lick!
Patchy: Back off, you flying freak!
Potty: Squawk! Clarify, please.
Patchy: This here cookie dough is for the children, not for pesky parrots! [there are 3 bells rang] What's that? 3 bells! Well, we all know what 3 bells mean!
Children/Viewers: Free ice cream!
Patchy: [laughs] No, you silly livers! NO!
Potty: Squawk! Man overboard?
Patchy: You, I'm ignoring. No... it's time to open fan letters!

[After Squidward gives away all his possessions]
Squidward: What was I thinking? I gave away all of my stuff, just so Spongebob wouldn't be sad. Am I insane?
[A knock sounds on the door]
Squidward: You might as well take the door. That's all that's left.

[During the mid-episode Christmas showtune]
Everybody: This Christmas feels like…
Mr. Krabs: [soprano's voice] ...The very first Christmas to me!!
Mr. Krabs: Arrgh, Arghh, Arghh, Arghh, Arghh, Arghh
Everybody: This Christmas feels like…
Mr. Krabs: [soprano's voice] ...The very first Christmas to me!!

Patchy: Ooh, ye old mistletoe... and you know what that means! [takes out breath spray and squirts a couple times in his mouth] Alright, who wants to kiss Patchy? Come on, now!
Potty: Squawk! Potty wants a kiss!
Patchy: No! Potty! We discussed this before–
Potty: POTTY WANTS A KISS!
[They continue to chase each other around the room]
Narrator: Well, it looks like Patchy is very busy at this moment, so I'll say it for him - good night and happy holidays.

  • This Christmas special is focused on SpongeBob and Squidward.

Episode 9[edit]

Survival of the Idiots (9.1)[edit]

Patrick: [watching Sandy eating acorns on the TV] Hey look, she's on the eating channel.

Patrick: SpongeBob, when are you gonna learn? "No" means "yes".

Patrick: Sponge, I'm a big man. A big, BIG man!

[SpongeBob and Patrick are fighting about who is Dirty Dan, SpongeBob suddenly screams]
Patrick: Screaming will get you nowhere.

[After Patrick almost wakes up Sandy]
SpongeBob: Come on, Patrick. We shouldn't disturb her anymore.
Patrick: That's not disturbing... This is disturbing. [turns around and grossly folds back fat up into a face] Hi there, SpongeBob. My name is PATBACK.
SpongeBob: HA! That is really disturbing!

Sandy: [dreaming] Gonna throw y'all in jail at taxpayers' expense...

Sandy: [dreaming] Gonna skin y'all and make a pair o' size 6 boots...

Sandy: [dreaming] You're nothing but pure evil, just like newspaper comics...

Sandy: [Grabs Spongebob and Patrick by their pants]
Spongebob: Sandy, it's us! Spongebob and Patrick!
Patrick: Please Sandy, I can't afford dry cleaning!

Sandy: (grabs Patrick's head and rips it off, looking really ticked off, as she breathes hard) WHICH ONE OF YOU FELLERS IS THE REAL DIRTY DAN?!
Patrick: Uh... I am? [she slams him]
SpongeBob: PATRICK!!!
Patrick: [crashes into Sandy's oak tree; dazed] Hot wings?
Sandy: Okay, Pinhead Larry, now you get yours! [SpongeBob screams and runs] PIIIIIIIINHEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAADDDDDD!!!!!

SpongeBob: I've got it! We'll burn the bark from Sandy's tree! [begins to peel some wood off of the tree]
Sandy: [dreaming] You're gonna be wearin' an iron lung when I'm through with you, Pinhead!
SpongeBob: [tapes the wood back on the tree] Fire's not gonna happen, Patrick. How does she go through these intense conditions?
Patrick: Maybe she just ignores it.
SpongeBob: Maybe...
Patrick: Maybe...
SpongeBob: Maybe... it's her fur!
[An image of squirrel is shown.]
SpongeBob, Patrick: Yeah!

Spongebob: Look at all that warm, toasty, fur.
Patrick: It's like a gold mine, but with fur.

Spongebob: [as "Dirty Dan"; in a southern voice] Alright Pinhead, your time is up.
Patrick: [as "Pinhead Larry"; with a looney, bucktooth face] Who you callin' Pinhead? I wanna be Dirty Dan!
SpongeBob: What makes you think you can be Dirty Dan?
Patrick: I'm Dirty... [SpongeBob hits him with a baseball bat made of snow]
SpongeBob: I say I'm Dirty Dan.
Patrick: [rushes to get a spiked-bat made of snow] I say I'm Dirty Dan!
SpongeBob: [hits Patrick] I say I'm Dirty Dan.
Patrick: [hits SpongeBob] I'm Dirty Dan!
SpongeBob: I'm Dirty Dan!
Patrick: I'm Dirty Dan!
[They continue to hit each other while saying "I'm Dirty Dan!"]

Spongebob: [with a stick from the picnic table in his hand] Stay back Sandy. I'm warning ya. [Sandy roars in Spongebob's face] Alright! I warned ya! [throws stick]
Patrick: Did you win? [gets hit by the stick and rolls down hill speaking gibberish] Hi, Spongebob.

Dumped (9.2)[edit]

Patrick: [brushing his teeth] Brush-brush-brush, brush-brush-brush, [brushing his armpit] brushing everywhere!

SpongeBob: Gosh, Lary is sure different than Gary. And Gary and Lary are real different than... Jerry. [holds up a real life snail]

SpongeBob: [weeps] Oh, Gary, why did you have to go? Why, Gary? [beats the wall with his fist in his anguish] Why, why, why, why, why...?

Patrick: Would it be all right if Gary and I did some laundry over here?
SpongeBob: Laundry? But we used to do laundry!
Patrick: And, uh... SpongeBob, could we borrow some soap?
SpongeBob: [on the verge of breaking down] Soap? But we used to use soap! [holds up two different types of soap] Do you want Fresh Scent or Heavy Du-Du-Du...?
Patrick: Here it comes.
SpongeBob: ...Du-Du-- [crying] --Tty-yyy-yyy!?!

Patrick: I'm sorry SpongeBob, but Gary's with me now, you had your chance and you failed. You have to stop living in the past. Face it Spongebob, you're only hurting yourself, it's what Gary wants, and what Gary wants is me! [to Gary] Right, Gary? Huh...? [he and SpongeBob see Gary rummaging through one of his pockets] He only liked me for my shorts!
SpongeBob: No, Patrick. He wanted the cookie in your pocket.
[Gary pulls a cookie out of Patrick's pocket and eats it]

SpongeBob: Oh, Gary, I knew you'd never leave me. Awww... let's go for a walk, pal! [leads Gary out of the house on a leash, leaving Patrick alone]
Patrick: Gary…? I thought what we had was special!

Episode 10[edit]

No Free Rides (10.1)[edit]

Narrator: Here we are again at the Bikini Bottom Boating School. Today is once again the day of SpongeBob's boating school exam. But more importantly, this is the last test for the year. [the boat SpongeBob and Mrs. Puff are in starts to come up towards the Narrator who panics] And if SpongeBob does not pass this one, it means another whole year of boating school--!! [SpongeBob hits the Narrator, who groans in pain]
SpongeBob: What happened?
Mrs. Puff: Oh, nothing, SpongeBob, you just struck another pedestrian. Minus 20 more points.
SpongeBob: What does that leave me with?
Mrs. Puff: Negative 224.

SpongeBob: Okay, Mrs. Puff, what's my final score?
Mrs. Puff: 6.
SpongeBob: Whoo! And how many do I need to pass?
Mrs. Puff: 6.
SpongeBob: [bending over and rising up very slowly] Whoo–
Mrs. Puff: Hundred.
SpongeBob: Wha?
Mrs. Puff: 600. You need 600 to pass. You got 6.

SpongeBob: Gonna write an essay, that's what I say!

Mrs. Puff: [in a somewhat insane tone] It's so simple! Only three more words! "What I learned in Boating School is..." blankety, blankety, BLANK!
SpongeBob: I can do this, I can do this... [starts to sweat] Is it hot in here, Mrs. Puff? WHY IS IT SO HOT IN HERE?! [screams] MY HAND! MY HAND IS CRAMPING, MRS. PUFF! MAKE IT STOP!
Mrs. Puff: YOU ONLY NEED THREE... MORE... WORDS!!

Mrs. Puff: [allows SpongeBob to slide through her class using extra credit so she can get rid of him] You pass! You pass!
SpongeBob: Mrs. Puff, I don't feel like I really did anything.
Mrs. Puff: That's how extra credit is supposed to feel.
SpongeBob: Really?
Mrs. Puff: Besides, here's your license. [gives SpongeBob a driver's license with his picture on it]
SpongeBob: My license! [licks it] It tastes just like I dreamt it would!

SpongeBob: [wakes up in boat] Hey, I'm driving!
[sees Mrs. Puff, the "boat-jacker"; they scream]
SpongeBob: Who are you and what are you doing with my boat! And why are you wearing that ski mask? Because you're not skiing! Oh my gosh, I know who you are!
Mrs. Puff: No you don't! You don't know who I am!
SpongeBob: Yes, I do. I know that you're... a boat-jacker! I never thought I'd have to use this pepper spray. [sprays the pepper spray in eyes, SpongeBob screams] AH! SOMEBODY HELP ME! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!
Mrs. Puff [kicks him out of the boat] Sorry, SpongeBob, but it was for your own good.

SpongeBob: [holds on to boatmobile] I'm... not... letting... go! [car swerves] Nothing can stop me! Not even– [gasps] Giant clams!? [SpongeBob gets bitten by the clams] I'm... not... letting... go... even more! [gasps] Cheese graters! NO! [gets grated] If you think I'd let go for a little... educational television?! Oh, no! [SpongeBob lets go of the boat off-screen screaming]

SpongeBob: [disguised as the radio] And now back to K.R.U.D. with all of your personal "You won't get away with stealing my car!" hits. [climbs out of radio hole, Mrs. Puff screams]

SpongeBob: [speaking to Mrs. Puff over a phone line while she resides in the Bikini Bottom Jail] So, how's it going, Mrs. Puff?
Mrs. Puff: [meekly] Uh, Spongebob? I'd like to... apologize. I shouldn't have passed you. You really weren't ready.
SpongeBob: [quietly] So I guess I gotta give my license back, huh?
Mrs. Puff: I hear Mrs. Flounder is starting a new class Monday morning.
SpongeBob: [smiling] You kidding? You're the only teacher for this student, and besides, the warden says she'll let you go early if you do her a favor.
Mrs. Puff: What's that?
SpongeBob: Free driving lessons! [laughs]

I'm Your Biggest Fanatic (10.2)[edit]

SpongeBob: Look Patrick, state of the art jellyfishing nets!
Patrick: [touches one of the nets] Touch.
Guard: Don't touch.
SpongeBob: Ooh, the harpoon used in Jellyfish: The Movie!
Patrick: Touch. [touches it]
Guard: [getting annoyed] Don't touch!
SpongeBob: Look! Dr. Man'O'War, the guy who got stung by Big Lenny and lived!
Dr. Man'O'War: And now it only hurts when you touch it. [Patrick touches the sting] OW!
Patrick: Touch.
Guard: Do I have to follow you all day?!

Patrick: [about Kevin] What's so great about a nerdy pickle?
SpongeBob: If I could just touch the hem of his pants, then maybe some of his greatness will rub off on me!
Patrick: SpongeBob, as a friend, I must say, that's really geeky. [Jeffrey the Jellyfish walks by; Patrick gasps] Oh, my gosh! Jeffrey Jellyfish! [runs after him] Wait, Jeffrey, I have to touch you!
Guard: [running after Patrick] Hey!

Spongebob: Hi, Kevin.
Kevin: Hello, loser.

SpongeBob: Hi, Kevin. I'm your biggest fan.
Kevin: You're too kind. SECURITY!

Kevin: Punch yourself in the face.
[Spongebob punches himself in the face.]
Kevin: Doesn't that hurt you?
Spongebob: [holds up a metal boxing glove] Do you want it to hurt me, Kevin?

Anchovy: [repeats] Wha-wha-wha!
Kevin: Will you cut that out?!

SpongeBob: But Kevin, I was your biggest fan!
Kevin: So were they. [points down to some fans he has managed to get rid of, trapped at the bottom of the ledge at a campfire]
Fish: Hey, look everyone! Kevin's back! [they cheer]

Kevin: [after the king jellyfish takes the pie bubble] How did you know?
SpongeBob: [laughs] Everyone loves pie!

Patrick: SpongeBob, I'm glad you learned your lesson. Hero worship is unhealthy. [pulls Jeffery the Jellyfish in a wagon] Come along, Jeffery.

Episode 11[edit]

Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy III (XI.I)[edit]

[Man-Ray sits on the floor with a hand over his face, pretending to cry]
Man-Ray: Boo-hoo-hoo! Oh, sob...! Oh, cry...! [peeks through his fingers to see if SpongeBob and Patrick are watching] Oh, woe is me! You don't know what it's like, being evil for so long! Oh, how I wish to be good! If only some kind heroes would show me the path to decency!
[SpongeBob and Patrick beam at one another]
SpongeBob: We could teach you how to be good and then we'll let you go!
Man-Ray: Oh, that would be fantastic! [to himself] I'll fake my way through this, just like I did in high school.

Narrator: [about the Tickle Belt] As seen in Episode XVII!

Mermaid Man: Prolonged exposure to the Orb of Confusion will give you, er... confusion.

Spongebob: Okay. Goodness lesson #II: (If) you see someone struggling with a heavy package, what do you do?
Man-Ray: Excuse me sir, I saw you struggling with that package, do you need some help?
Patrick: [drops package on Man-Ray] Oops sorry, can I start over?
Man-Ray: I was just wondering if you would--[Patrick drops the package on his foot again] OW!!!
Patrick: Oops sorry, again, I would-- [drops the package on Man-Ray's foot again]
Man-Ray: OWWW!!! Y-You buttered fingered pink thing! What's in that box anyhow!?!
Patrick: My wallets.
Man-Ray: [growls]
Patrick: [Man-Ray grabs Patrick and slams him onto the ground] SpongeBob, tickle him! [SpongeBob turns on the Tickle Belt and Man-Ray continues slamming Patrick while laughing]

Man-Ray: [falsely polite] Excuse me, sir, but I do believe you've dropped your wallet.
Patrick: Doesn't look familiar to me.
Man-Ray: What? But, I just saw you drop it. Here.
Patrick: No, it's not mine.
Man-Ray: It is yours. I am trying to be a good person in returning it to you.
Patrick: Return what to who? [Man-Ray claps a hand over his face in frustration]
Man-Ray: [holding up ID card] Aren't you Patrick Star?
Patrick: Yep.
Man-Ray: And this is your ID.
Patrick: Yep.
Man-Ray: I found this ID in this wallet and if that's the case, this must be your wallet.
Patrick: That makes sense to me.
Man-Ray: Then take it.
Patrick: It's not my wallet.
Man-Ray: YOU DIM BULB! TAKE THE WALLET OR I'LL RIP YOUR ARMS OFF!
SpongeBob: Wrong! [turns on the Tickle Belt] Good people don't rip other people's arms off!

SpongeBob: Okay, goodness lesson #III. Er, let's see.
Patrick: I got one. [takes the remote] I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 100. What is it?
Man-Ray: Um... LVI?
Patrick: Wrong! [turns on the Tickle Belt]
SpongeBob: Patrick, that has nothing to do with being good! [fights over the remote]
Patrick: Let go, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Pat, we've gotta use it when he's bad!
Patrick: Let go!
SpongeBob: No, you let go!
SpongeBob and Patrick: Leeeeeet... GO! [the remote breaks and the Tickle Belt goes haywire]

[After "Man Sponge" and "Boy Patrick" crash the Invisible Boat Mobile]
"Boy Patrick": Thank goodness for invisible seat belts!

[After Man-Ray unsuccessfully attempts to rob a bank]
Man-Ray: Agh! The belt is gone, but I still feel its tickle. The urge to do bad... is gone! [to the lady at the counter] I guess I'll just open a checking account.

[SpongeBob and Patrick have been reduced to piles of ashes]
Patrick: What's that smell, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: That, Patrick, is the smell of defeat.
Patrick: Good. I thought it was my skin.
SpongeBob: Forget about your skin, Patrick. Man-Ray is still bad. And someone has to stop him. This is a job for Mermaid Man...
Patrick: ...And Barnacle Boy!

"Man Sponge": Duh... [gasp] Man-Ray!
Man-Ray: No need to be alarmed, SpongeBob. Your teachings have transformed me. Besides, I have checks with little poodles on them!

Squirrel Jokes (11.2)[edit]

Harold: Hey, hey, funny guy! I've got a joke for you! What smells rotten and puts people to sleep?
SpongeBob: Umm, noxious gas?
Harold: No! Your ACT!
[Crowd laughs mockingly]

SpongeBob: Did you ever notice how...big squirrel teeth are?
Fish: That's true.
Sandy: [shocked] Huh?
SpongeBob: I mean, you could land a plane on those things.

SpongeBob: Hey, why does it take more than one squirrel to change a lightbulb?
Fish: Why?!
SpongeBob: Because, they're so darn stupid!
Mother: Don't stand too close to a squirrel, Billy. You'll catch its stupid!
Billy: [being dragged away] Okay, Mom.
Sandy: Stupidity isn't a virus. But it sure is spreadin' like one!

[Patrick approaches SpongeBob, but is distracted by Sandy standing nearby]
Patrick: [to Sandy, voice is slow and exaggerated/drwn-out] Hello... Sandy... me Patrick... do you un-der... stand?

SpongeBob: But seriously folks, I want to give a special thanks to my friend, Sandy.
[His spotlight shines on an annoyed Sandy]
SpongeBob: Sandy, don't you see? The crowd loves these jokes. [to audience] Am I right? [Crowd cheers; to Sandy] Don't you see, Sandy? We're laughing with you, not at you! Do you understand now, Sandy? Huh, do you?
Sandy: [no nonsense] I understand everything that's going on, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Great. I knew sooner or later you'd get it. What a great sport. [to audience] Let's give a big hand for Sandy! But clap slow, because remember... She's a squirrel!

SpongeBob: [invited to Sandy's Treedome] I'm glad Sandy can see the genius of my comedy. Good morning, Sandy.
Sandy: [dressed like a country beatnik] Well, how-dee!
SpongeBob: Sandy, are you alright?
Sandy: I'm just bein' my own naturally squirrelly self! Well, come on in. Yah'll must be tired from tellin' them funny jokes all the time. Why don'tcha take a load off? [pushes Spongebob onto a log]
SpongeBob: Sandy, I think there's something wrong with this seat.
Sandy: Naw, I just dun put glue on it so you wouldn't fall off. [sees Spongebob's flowers] Are 'dem flowers for me? You even dun got me a vase! [takes Spongebob's water helmet]
SpongeBob: But, Sandy, that-that's not a... [Sandy puts the flowers in the water helmet]
Sandy: Ain't dat pretty?
Spongebob: [rapidly dehydrating] Sandy, I need wa–
Sandy: Oh, dat's right! You'se a sea critter! Now what was that thing sea critters need? Umm, uhh... let's see, uhh... [a big lump in her throat wiggles up and down] Sea critters need, uhh...
SpongeBob: Wa–
Sandy: Oh wait, don't tell me. I know this one.
SpongeBob: Wa–
Sandy: Wallet… watch… waffles…?
SpongeBob: [desperate] Sandy, water!
Sandy: Well, why didn't you just say so? Here ya go! [shoves a water hose into SpongeBob's mouth and turns it on] Yup, us squirrels sure is stupid.
SpongeBob: Sandy!
Sandy: Dumb, dumb, dumb. Squirrels is dumb.
SpongeBob: [rapidly inflating as he fills with water] Sandy! Okay, Sandy, I get it!
Sandy: What's that, you want more? Okie-dokie! More water for the sea critter! [turns hose on full blast]
SpongeBob: OKAY, SANDY! OKAY! I GET IT!! [cut outside the Treedome, where Spongebob's body appears to have filled the interior of the dome; weakly] No more squirrel jokes…

SpongeBob: You know, there's one thing dumber than a squirrel... and that's a sponge! I mean, look at me! [SpongeBob contorts himself] I got no bones!

SpongeBob: Oh, and crabs... they're so cheap, they can't even pay attention!
Mr. Krabs: It's true, I am cheap!

SpongeBob: Fish boy, are they smelly? Whoo hoo!! How could a creature who spend so much time in the water smell so bad? I mean really. [imitates fish] "SOAP, SOAP. WHAT IS SOAP?"

Episode 12[edit]

Pressure (12.1)[edit]

Sandy: Thanks for face lift!

Sandy: I'm a squirrel. See? [points to the acorn logo on her suit]
SpongeBob: I thought that meant you were nuts.

Sandy: I'll show y'all! I don't need this suit! [rips her suit off]
[SpongeBob, Patrick, Mr. Krabs and Squidward gasp]
Sandy: And I don't need this helmet, neither! [takes off her helmet and breaks it]
Mr. Krabs: Neptune preserve her!
Squidward: How long can she stay like that?
SpongeBob: I don't know.
Patrick: Sandy's a girl?!

[Sandy sees SpongeBob, Patrick, Mr. Krabs and Squidward being attacked by giant sea gulls]
Sandy: [gasps] Holy guacamole! You can't eat my friends, you rats with wings! HI-YAH! [She launches into karate mode and beats the stuffing out of the seagulls]

Mr. Krabs: Three Cheers for feeling sorry for ourselves! Hip-hip...
All: [all jump up] Hooray!
Mr. Krabs: Hip-hip...
All: [all jump up] Hooray!
Mr. Krabs: Hip-hip...
Seagulls: Hooray. [their bodies are completely naked because of Sandy's karate]

The Smoking Peanut (12.2)[edit]

Patrick: If I saw that guy, I'd have a few choice words for him. Like "you" and "are", and... "a jerk"!

Patrick: I'm getting so close to solving this crime, I can almost taste it. [licks what looks like SpongeBob] Boy, crime fighting makes me hungry, and this yellow popsicle hits the spot!

Patrick: [upon being arrested] Wow, you guys are good. I was the last person I would have suspected, but I was looking for me all the time! It's the perfect crime!
Police Officer: Yeah, yeah. Tell it to the judge, Pinky.

SpongeBob: I've... uhh... got to go get my hair cut!
Sandy: SpongeBob doesn't have hair. [disgusted] Or does he?

P.A. Announcer: Attention all Zoo patrons, Clamu the Sea Oyster is on an emotional rampage! Please scream and run around in circles. [all of the patrons scream] That's all for now.
[In the stadium, Clamu is still smashing things and making snarling belch noises. The zoo worker goes up to SpongeBob and Patrick]
Zoo Worker #1: You boys better get out of this area, pronto! There's nothing more dangerous than an emotionally disturbed oyster. [menacingly at SpongeBob] You didn't do anything that might have caused this horrible tragedy, did you?
SpongeBob: Uh...
Patrick: No way! Only a jerk would upset a gentle giant. Right, SpongeBob?
[SpongeBob hides the peanut bag]
SpongeBob: Right. [SpongeBob lets out a nervous shriek]

SpongeBob: [amazed] Mother of pearl! The oyster's a mother, and that pearl isn't no pearl, it's an egg!
Baby Oyster: Mama!
Clamu: Aww!
[The baby oyster and Clamu embrace each other.]
All: Awww... [They glare at Mr. Krabs]
Mr. Krabs: [nervously] But it's... Free Day!
[The crowd boos as they throw peanuts at Mr. Krabs, burying him.]

Episode 13[edit]

Shanghaied (13.1)[edit]

SpongeBob: [panicked] Holy shrimp! SQUIDWARD!!!! The sky had a baby from my cereal box! SQUuuuiiiiIDWAaaaaaaaaaaRD!!! [Squidward pops head out of window] Squidward, the sky had a baby! [points to anchor in house]
Squidward: [irritated] That's not a baby, that's a giant anchor. Now, go away!
[Patrick appears randomly.]
Patrick: [excitedly] Hey, SpongeBob, the sky had a baby!
SpongeBob: I know! What do you think we should name it?

SpongeBob: You're setting us free?
Flying Dutchman: Well, actually... I'm just gonna eat you. See you at dinner! [he leaves and shuts his door, only for SpongeBob and Patrick to soon scream in fear]
Both: AAAAAAAAAAaaahhhhhhhHHHHHH!!!
Patrick: Wait... I have an idea!
SpongeBob: Really?! What is it?
Patrick: Let's leave!
SpongeBob: But the door is locked. And the only way out is through the...perfume department! [points to a room full of perfume and customers]
Patrick: Let's do it. [they try to run through the department but get sprayed with all sorts of perfume in slow-motion views]
SpongeBob: I always hate going in there!
Patrick: Yeah.
SpongeBob: [hears something strange] Wait! Listen! [Flying Dutchman is in his room]

Spongebob: I know who owns this boat, I just can't place the name. [barrel reading "Property of the Flying Dutchman" in background]
[As Squidward continues to knock on the cabin door, it opens and the Flying Dutchman bursts forth.]
The Flying Dutchman: [scarily] Rawr!!
Spongebob: No, no, it's not "Rawr!!".
Flying Dutchman: I am the Flying Dutchman!
Spongebob: That's it! [turns around] Squidward! This ship belongs to the Red Baron!

Dutchman: Give me back my sock! Everyone knows I can't eat without it!
Spongebob: Never!
Dutchman: [menacingly] Okay, then... [shoots fire from nose at Spongebob]
[Spongebob raises sock in front of fire, making the Dutchman stop and suck it back in. He then grabs the sock and begins a tug-o-war with Spongebob.]
Dutchman: Ah, ooh, give it to me!
SpongeBob: NO! [ripping sound]
Dutchman: WAIT! You're stretching out the elastic!

Dutchman: I’ve been thinking. [notices SpongeBob and Patrick] Stop bouncing! [they both stop] This whole crew for eternity thing isn’t working out… It’s not really you so much as it is me…
SpongeBob: You’re setting us free?
Dutchman: Well actually, I’m just gonna eat you. See you at dinner! [leaves]

Dutchman: Tell you what. You give me back the sock and I'll give you... 3 wishes.
Patrick: Make it 5.
Dutchman: 4.
Patrick: 3. Take it or leave it. [Pause.]
Dutchman: Okay... uh, 3. You get 3 wishes.
SpongeBob: Wow, 3 wishes, Pat! How cool is that?!
Patrick: Wishes?! I wish we'd known that earlier! [The clock goes back 5 minutes.]
Dutchman: Okay, you got 2 wishes left. [Patrick smiles guiltily]
SpongeBob: Well, we still have two more, how exciting! I wish Squidward were here to see this!
[Squidward, in the Fly of Despair, falls back into his house in his bedroom]
Squidward: Boy, I’m glad all that’s over.
[Suddenly, he gets transported back on the Flying Dutchman's ship]
SpongeBob and Patrick: Squidward! You’re back!!

Kid: [regarding SpongeBob and Patrick's pathetic attempt at scaring] Those guys are dorks.
Dutchman: [annoyed] Yes, but they're my dorks.

Patrick: Wait, I have an idea.
Spongebob: Really? What is it?
Patrick: Let's leave.
SpongeBob: But the door is locked [points] and the only way out is through the... perfume department... [dramatic music]
Patrick: Let's do it!

Dutchman: What a night. Crew, howl with me so that we might set the 7 Seas ablazed with fear! Awoo!
SpongeBob: [laughing] Aah!
Patrick: Leedleedleedleedlee!
Dutchman: Awoo!
SpongeBob: [laughing] Aah!
Patrick: Leedleedleedleedlee!
Dutchman: Aa--
Patrick:Leedleedleedleedlee!
Dutchman: Aa--
Patrick: Leedleedleedleedlee! [Pause. Spongebob and the Flying Dutchman look at Patrick]
Dutchman: Eh. That'll do.

SpongeBob: [to Squidward] What about all you said about him having a dirty ship and being lazy and all?
Squidward: [nervously] Ha, I-I never s-said that.
Flying Dutchman: Insulting a man's ship... be worse than insulting his mother.
SpongeBob: No, no, wait, it was his mother you said was dirty, not his ship! [The Flying Dutchman shoots fire out of his nose at Squidward, who screams in pain.]

Dutchman: Listen! Were going on a little haunting spree, so I want this ship to look good, and scary.
SpongeBob: You mean you want it to look good... and scary. I think we could probably.
Patrick: No, no, I think he wants it to look so good, that it's scary
Spongebob: Or maybe that by looking so scary, you forget that it doesn't look good.
Patrick: I don't get it.
Spongebob: Look, it's easy, it simply means that....
Dutchman: [really annoyed] Never mind what it means! I just want it to look scary! That's it! You know mold, growing on the ceilings, and bugs in the sink.
SpongeBob: So, you don't what it to look good?
Dutchman: GET MOVIN'!
SpongeBob and Patrick: [really scared, singing, and swabbing the deck] A sailor's life is a wonderful life, a wonderful life ashore!!

Dutchman: "Whosoever disturbs the Flying Dutchman's ship, uninvited or otherwise, will become members of his ghostly crew forever... and uh, ever!"
Squidward: Will we be getting business cards? [The Flying Dutchman burns Squidward with flames from his nostril, causing him to scream.]
Dutchman: Silence!

[SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward are arguing over what the third wish should be.]
Dutchman: That's enough! Using my mystic other-worldly powers, I shall decide who gets the last wish. [points at them one by one] Eeny, meeny, miny, mo, catch a sailor by the toe, if he hollers, let him go, my mother told me to pick the very best one and...
Original Airing
Voting Announcer: [the screen freezes] All Hands! All Hands! Time To Vote! It's Voting Time!
Squidward's Ending
Dutchman: ...you are it! [stops on Squidward]
SpongeBob: Squidward, you get a wish! A great big wish!
Squidward: That's right! And you know what I wish?
Patrick: No.
Squidward: I wish that I had never met you two barnacle-heads before in my entire life!
Dutchman: So be it.
SpongeBob: Hi there, I don't believe we met. My name is SpongeBob and this is my associate Patrick.
Patrick: Hi.
Squidward: That's not what I meant!
Dutchman: Well, now that introductions are out of the way, it's time for dinner! [Flying Dutchman appears with a big belly.]
SpongeBob: And what did you say your name was?
Squidward: I'm Squidward. I'm your neighbor.
SpongeBob: Oh, nice to meet you, Squid-Ward. [Tries to pronounce it right] We'll have plenty of time to get to know each other I guess. [Laughs.]
Patrick's Ending
Dutchman: ...you are it! [stops on Patrick]
SpongeBob: That's you, Patrick. Make your wish.
Patrick: Uhh...
Squidward: Wait, Patrick, listen. I do not particularly feel like being trapped here for all eternity. Eternity is a very long time, understand?!
SpongeBob: Patrick, you've got to think harder than you've ever thought before.
Patrick: Uhh...
SpongeBob: That's not gonna do it! Think harder!
Patrick: Uhh...
Squidward and SpongeBob: Come on! Come on, Patrick! Yeah! Put on your thinking cap!
Patrick: Uhh... [Inside Patrick's eye is a toaster that brings up some toast.] Okay! I've got it.
Dutchman: Thou wish is granted.
Patrick: [Chewing on gum.] Oh... I'm sorry. Want some gum? [SpongeBob and Squidward are shocked.]
Squidward: You wished for gum?!
Patrick: Well, if we're gonna be here forever, we might as well have fresh breath!
[Each take a piece of gum. Later, we see the Flying Dutchman with a big belly.]
SpongeBob: Come on, mister, let us out! Don't be so mean! Don't be so fatty!
Patrick: Aaaah! Let us out!
Squidward: Come on! Give us one more wish!
Dutchman: Ahh, minty.
SpongeBob's Ending
Dutchman: ...you are it! [stops on SpongeBob]
Squidward: Now, think, SpongeBob. We're about to get eaten! What can you wish for to make it so we don't get eaten?
SpongeBob: ...Don't worry, Squidward, I've got it all figured out. He won't be able to eat us because... I wish that the Dutchman was a vegetarian! [The Flying Dutchman turns into a vegetarian; SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward teleport to what they believe is SpongeBob's house]
SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward: Hooray!
SpongeBob: We're home!
Patrick: You did it, SpongeBob. We're saved!
Squidward: [reveals they have the bodies of various fruits] But why have we been turned into fruits? [they are in a blender, the Flying Dutchman is going to eat them in it]
Dutchman: Hey, I get a wish too: Fruit prevents scurvy! [whistles. SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward scream, then hop off in blender] Hey, get back here with that! [chases them]

Gary Takes a Bath (13.2)[edit]


SpongeBob: Look, 'dubloons'! [hands 2 bars of soap to Gary] Don't drop 'em! [winks at audience] Look at this brooch. [shows a rubber duck]
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: I don't know what a snail would want with a brooch! Now why don't you just get into the tub!

SpongeBob: "New Bommerang Pet Ball. Really Works."

SpongeBob: Come on, boy, let's go get that treasure. Whoo! OK, Gary, now 40 paces to the left. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10… 24, 25, 26, 27… 40.

[SpongeBob, in his attempt to get Gary to bathe, tries hypnotizing him]
SpongeBob: I am now going to assault your mind with subliminal messages!
[Images of a bathtub, a shower, a bar of soap, and then a picture of a girl with pigtails and crooked teeth appear - clearly perplexing SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: [walking away] Sorry you had to see that.

SpongeBob: [furious with Gary, after he has fallen in the tub] ALRIGHT, GARY! You have duped and/or frustrated me for the last time, so... if I can't get you to come to the bath, I'll just have to bring the bath to you!

SpongeBob: Oh, no! I bathed Gary too hard and removed his skin!

SpongeBob: Come back, Gary, I have something to "chair" with you. "Dishes" more like it!. "Water" you waiting for, Gary?!

SpongeBob: Do not go near that mud puddle! Gary the snail, do you hear me?! I am giving you 3 seconds to get away from that mud puddle! 1, 2, 2 1/2… Don’t make me say 3! Gary! GARY! GARY! GARY...!!! [in his attempt to get Gary to have a bath, suddenly falls into a giant mud puddle] [dismayed] I’m a dirty boy. [taking a bath, after Gary meows] Yeah, yeah, Gary, I'm getting behind my ears. [Gary smiles]

Episode 14[edit]

Welcome to the Chum Bucket (14.1)[edit]

SpongeBob: The sign says "kitchen", but my heart says "jail". [Music begins] [singing] A stove... is a stove, no matter where you go.
Mr. Krabs: [singing] A patty is a patty, that's what I say.
SpongeBob: A grill... is a grill... this is surely so.
Mr. Krabs: And fries should be fries either way.
SpongeBob: But this grill is not a home. This is not the stove I know.
Mr. Krabs: I would trade it all away... if you'd come back to stay.
Both: [singing] This kitchen's not the same without you.
Mr. Krabs: It's just a greasy spoon--
SpongeBob: It's just a greasy spoon...
Both: Without you. [Spongebob falls flat onto his face and begins to sob]

SpongeBob: [walking to the Krusty Krab and remembering the conversation last night; laughs] "Taking him to the cleaners." That's a hot one!

Plankton: Don't back-sass me!
SpongeBob: [mocking Plankton] Nyeh nyeh nyeh!
Plankton: WHAT?!

Robot SpongeBob: [turning on] Bee-beep-doodle-le-dee-doo... RESPONSE - WHY DON'T YOU ASK ME LATER?
Plankton: What?! WHAT?!?
Robot SpongeBob: GET WELDED.
Plankton: WAIT, I COMMAND YOU MAKE ME A KRABBY PATTY!!
Robot SpongeBob: [while reading some comics and takes a drink from his soda] I DON'T WANNA.

SpongeBob: All this preparation is making me hungry.
Plankton: Me too! You know what would really hit the spot? Why don't you whip us up a couple of Krabby Patties?
SpongeBob: Mmm, I’m kind of in the mood for tacos.
Plankton: [chuckles] Good one, SpongeBob, but really, go ahead and make us some patties.

Plankton: SpongeBob, come in here, or should I say RobotBob... Sponge... ChefPants. [to the audience] I put the brain in the robot, you know.

Frankendoodle (14.2)[edit]

French Narrator: The artist has learned the first lesson of the sea: Always bring a spare pencil.
Artist: Nooooooo!!!

[SpongeBob draws a jellyfish in the ground with the giant pencil.]
SpongeBob: It's a jellyfish!
Patrick: Pretty good, SpongeBob, but its lacking basic construction, and your perspective leaves a lot to be desired.
SpongeBob: Huh! Everybody's a critic. [Patrick notices the jellyfish drawing is coming to life.]
Patrick: SpongeBob! Your drawing's coming to life!
SpongeBob: [oblivious] Now, that's more like it, Mr. Critic!
Patrick: [pointing to the jellyfish] No, I mean it's swimming away!
SpongeBob: Do you know what this means, Patrick?
Patrick: Your art can never hang in a museum.

Patrick: Now all I need is a magic mustache, and all my dreams will have come true.
SpongeBob: Coming right up! [draws a mustache on Patrick]
Patrick: Life is good! [The mustache flies away] Easy come, easy go.
Squidward: [talking to himself] Squidward, if you had hair, you'd be the most gorgeous creature in the sea. You've got looks... talent... all you need is a full head of... [mustache lands on Squidward's head] HAIR!

Patrick: [dazed after a giant wrench falls on his head] Where's the leak, ma'am?

[Frankendoodle rolls a bowling ball at Patrick]
Patrick: [taking on the shape of a bowling pin] Ahh!
[The ball hits Patrick, who then falls in the hole, and a X (a strike) comes on screen. The ball falls into hole, hits Patrick again and a second X (double strike) comes on screen]
SpongeBob: You okay, Patrick?
Patrick: FINLAND!

SpongeBob: [after erasing DoodleBob for good, he lets out a long battle cry] I AM SPONGEBOB, DESTROYER OF EVIL!!!
Patrick: Take it easy. It's just a drawing.
SpongeBob: Well, that takes care of that. Eh, Patrick?
Patrick: Done and done!

Patrick: He's hideous! He makes me sick just looking at him! Those big bulgy eyes, that square body, those two buck teeth, and that stupid tie!
[SpongeBob awkwardly clears his throat]
Patrick: [blushing] Oh, but it looks good on you, SpongeBob. Heh-heh!

SpongeBob: He's putting down the pencil. This is our chance! On the count of 3, we'll jump out and surprise him.
Patrick: Oh boy, a surprise party! Is it his birthday?
[DoodleBob crashes through the wall and grabs SpongeBob]
Spongebob: PATRICK! PATRICK, DO SOMETHING!!!
Patrick: Happy Birthday! [DoodleBob tosses Spongebob to the side. Patrick presents a rock to DoodleBob.] Here's your present!
[DoodleBob takes the rock and hits Patrick on the head with it.]
Patrick: [woozily] You're welcome.

SpongeBob: Hold it right there, Doodle! I brought you into this world, and now I'm going to take you out. Any last words?
[DoodleBob speaks gibberish.]
SpongeBob: I'm sorry, what was that?
[DoodleBob slowly repeats the gibberish.]

SpongeBob: What do you think you're doing, Doodle?!
Frankendoodle: You Doodle! Me SpongeBob!!

French Narrator: The second most important rule for the artist at sea: Always bring a pencil sharpener.
Artist: Nooooooooooo!!!

Episode 15[edit]

The Secret Box (15.1)[edit]

Patrick: You may be an open book, SpongeBob, but I'm a bit more complicated than that. The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma. [A thought bubble appears, showing a milk carton falling over and spilling]

SpongeBob: What could be in that box that Patrick doesn't want me to see? Maybe it's the world's only albino jellyfish... or maybe Patrick's a master jewel thief and it's full of diamonds. [nervously] Or maybe Patrick's a deranged maniac who keeps his victim's severed heads in a box! Or even worse... maybe it's an embarrassing picture of me at the Christmas party! [screams]

Patrick: [Right after SpongeBob leaves; laughs menacingly] Good thing he didn't pull the secret string, opening the... [secret compartment of the box opens] ...secret compartment of my secret box... [takes out a photo] ...revealing one embarrassing snapshot of SpongeBob at that Christmas Party! [scene then cuts to a shot of Bikini Atoll; Patrick is heard laughing] Merry Christmas, SpongeBob! [continues laughing as the screen quickly fades to black, ending the episode.]

Band Geeks (15.2)[edit]

[Squidward plays the clarinet poorly. There is a knock at door and he answers]
Doctor: Yeah, uh... we're from the pet hospital down the street, and we understand you have a dying animal on the premises. [Squidward slams the door shut]

Squidward: [on phone] Hello, you've reached the house of unrecognized talent. Please start after the– [blows clarinet]
Squilliam Fancyson: Sounds as though you've got a dying animal to attend to, eh, old chum?
Squidward: [shocked] Squilliam Fancyson from band class?!
Squilliam: I heard you're playing the cash register now.
Squidward: Yeah, well, sometimes. How's the unibrow?
Squilliam: It's big and valuable. I'm the leader of a big, fancy band now, and we're supposed to play at the Bubble Bowl next week!
Squidward: The bu-bu-bu-bu, bu-bu-bu-bu, bu-bu-bu-bu...?
Squilliam: That's right! I'm living your dream, Squidward! The problem is I'm busy next week and can't make, so I was hoping you and your band could cover for us.
Squidward: Oh, I, uh, uh, uh...
Squilliam: I knew it! You don't even have a band! Well, I'll just let you get back to the service industry now!
Squidward: [angry at the comment] HOLD IT! [Squilliam perks up as he was about to hang up] It just so happens that I don't sell fast food! I do have a band, and we're going to play at that Bubble Bowl! How do you like that, FancyBoy?!
Squilliam: Good luck next Tuesday! I hope the audience brings lots of... IBUPROFEN! [hangs up]

Squidward: I've got to drum up a marching band fast! [chuckles] Drum... band humor!

[Everyone reading Squidward's fliers]
Sandy: "Looking to add fulfillment to your dull, dull life?"
Plankton: "Then become part of the greatest musical sensation ever to hit Bikini Bottom!"
Mrs. Puff: "And be forever adored by thousands of people you don't know!"
Mr. Krabs: "Not to mention, free refreshments!"
Larry the Lobster: [in the shower] "Practice begins tonight... 8:30 sharp."


Squidward's flier(s): "Looking to add fulfillment to your dull, dull life? Then become part of the greatest musical sensation ever to hit Bikini Bottom and be forever adored by thousands of people you don't know! Not to mention, free refreshments! Practice begins tonight, 8:30 sharp."

Squidward: That trilobite couldn't tell an oboe from an elbow! [chuckles] Elbow... more band humor.

Squidward: Okay, now. How many of you have played musical instruments before?
Plankton: Do instruments of torture count?
Squidward: No.
Patrick: [raises hand] Is mayonnaise an instrument?
Squidward: No, Patrick. Mayonnaise is not an instrument. [Patrick raises his hand again] ...Horseradish is not an instrument either. [Patrick puts his hand down] That's fine. No one has any 'experience'. Fortunately, I have enough 'talent for all of you'! [starts laughing, then gradually stops]
Mr. Krabs: When do we get the free food?
Squidward: Okay, try to repeat after me. [plays a tune with his clarinet] Brass section, go! [the brass section repeat the tune] Good. Now, the wind! [the wind section repeat the tune] And the drums! [the drum section tries to play by blowing on their drumsticks, but the sticks fling on to Squidward] Too bad that didn't kill me. [later] Let's just try stepping in rhythm. Now, I want everyone to stand in straight rows of 5.
SpongeBob: [excitedly] Is this the part where we start kicking?!
Squidward: No, SpongeBob. That's a chorus line.
Patrick: Kicking!?! I wanna do some kicking!!! [kicks Sandy on the shin]
Sandy: Ow! Why, you...! Why, I oughta...! [she and Patrick start a big brawl that continues outside.]
Patrick: [lets out a painful scream outside]
[Everybody looks at the door; Patrick peaks his head into the door]
Patrick: Whoever's the owner of the White Sedan, you left your lights on. [enters, revealing his head has been shoved through a trombone.]

Narrator: Day 4.
Squidward: Well, this is our last night together before the show, and I know you haven't improved since we began. [Patrick is seen chewing on a trombone] But I have a theory. People talk loud when they want to act smart, right?
Plankton: CORRECT!!!
Squidward: So if we play loud, people might think we're good. Everybody ready? And a-1, and a 2, and a-1, 2, 3, 4...! [the band plays so loud that the glass breaks] Okay, new theory. Maybe we should play so quietly... no one can hear us.
Harold: [Australian accent] Well, maybe we wouldn't sound so bad if some people didn't try to play with big... meaty... CLAWS.
Mr. Krabs: [sternly] What did you say, punk?!
Harold: BIG... MEATY... CLAWS!
Mr. Krabs: [angry] Well, these claws ain't just for attracting mates.
Harold: Bring it on, ol' man. BRING IT ON!
SpongeBob: [tries intervening] No, people. Let's be smart and bring it off.
Susie: Oh, so now the talking cheese is going to preach to us.
[Everyone argues]
Squidward: Wait, wait. I know tensions are high. [Everybody gets into a brawl pilar and larry are yelling at each other until medley slams a drum at pilar] There's a deposit on the equipment people. [Everyone uses their instruments as weapons Mr. Krabs and Harold charge at each other with oboes but then try screech to halt but Mrs. Puff slams them both with her cymbals] Settle down please! [Sandy and Frank are fighting; Sandy destroy frank's xylophone with two sticks. Patrick kicks Sandy again; she snarls at him, then chases him with another trombone; Patrick screams. When the clock ticks at 10:00 PM, everyone stops fighting]
Fred: Hey, class is over.
[they murmur and turn to leave, but the door opens, Squidward stands there]
Squidward: Well, you did it. You took my one chance of happiness... and crushed it! Crushed it into little, tiny, bite-size pieces! I really had expected better of you people. [starts crying] I guess I'm a loser for that, too. Don't bother showing up tomorrow. I'll just tell them you all... died in a marching accident. So, thanks. [cries] Thanks for nothing! [Squidward leaves, sobbing]
Patrick: [after a lengthy silence] ... You're welcome.

Squidward: I knew this was going to happen. They're just going to have to find another band to play. I just hope that... [sees Squilliam] SQUILLIAM DOESN'T FIND OUT! SQUILLIAM!!! What are you doing here?!
Squilliam: [laughs] I just wanted to watch you blow it! So, where's your band?
Squidward: They couldn't come, they... died.
Squilliam: Then who's that? [points to the entrance]
[Squidward turns around to see everyone behind him in march band uniforms]
Squidward: [shocked] THAT WOULD BE MY BAND!!!
SpongeBob: We're ready to perform, Squidward!
Squilliam: Well, Squidy, this is exactly what I pictured your band would look like! [Spongebob is seen with a silly face while dancing in place.]
Squidward: [awkward] That's his... eager face.

SpongeBob: The winner takes all, it's the thrill of one more kill.
The last one to fall will never sacrifice their will. Don't ever look back on the world closin' in.
Be on the attack with your wings on the wind. Oh, the games will begin. [Squilliam stares in shock, Squidward gives him a smug grin and throws his baton over his shoulder and uses his arms for conducting]
And it's sweet, sweet, sweet victory...
SpongeBob and Plankton: ...Yeah.
SpongeBob: And it's ours for the taking, it's ours for the fight! [Squilliam faints and the stretchers carries him away. Squidward waves a smug goodbye to him and runs to the middle of the stage]
And it's sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah.
And the one who's last to fall. [Squidward jumps up, andframe freezes.] We will have sweet, sweet victory... [fades to black.]

Episode 16[edit]

Graveyard Shift (16.1)[edit]

Mr. Krabs: I can't hang out here all night, I've got a life.

SpongeBob: Isn't this great, Squidward? Just you and me together for hours and hours and hours, and then the sun will come up, and it'll be tomorrow and we'll still be working! [gasps] It'll be just like a sleepover, only we'll be sweaty and covered with grease! Are you ready to rock, Squidward?!
Squidward: No.
SpongeBob: Good! 'Cause we got customers!
Squidward: Here. [hands a baseball bat to a customer] Please hit me as hard as you can.
SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward. I'm working in the kitchen… [giggles] At night.
Squidward: [tilts his head sideways to the customer with the bat] Don't hold back.

Squidward: And then, one night, when he was cutting the patties... it happened.
SpongeBob: He forgot the secret sauce?
Squidward: No.
SpongeBob: He didn't wash his hands?
Squidward: No.
SpongeBob: Irregular portions?
Squidward: NO! He cut off his own hand by mistake!
SpongeBob: You mean like this? [pulls out his arm, and another one grows back] Or this? [repeats] Or this? But what about this, or this or this…?
Squidward: Except he wasn't a sponge.
SpongeBob: So?
Squidward: So it didn't grow back!
SpongeBob: [he and all of his arms that were pulled out jump in fear] OH, NO!

[Squidward is telling the story of the Hash-Slinging Slasher]
Squidward: So now, every… What day is it?
SpongeBob: Tuesday.
Squidward: ...Tuesday night, his ghost returns to the Krusty Krab to wreak... his horrible vengeance.

SpongeBob: Isn't this great, Squidward? There's no time to wash the ceiling during the day!
Squidward: "Open 24 hours a day." What a stupid idea! Who wants a Krabby Patty at 3:00 in the morning?!
Patrick: [inside his rock, he is woken up by his alarm clock at 3:00 AM] Oh, boy! 3:00 AM! [pulls off his blanket to reveal a Krabby Patty and eats it]

Squidward: [nervously] Okay, what was it? There was... the lights. [lights flicker] And the phone. [phone rings] And... [turns around to see green ooze coming from the walls] The walls will ooze green slime?! Oh, wait. They always do that, but what was that third thing?

SpongeBob: I am just so touched that you would go to the trouble to dress up as a ghostly fry-cook and stand on the other side of the road just to entertain me! You must really like me!
Squidward: SpongeBob, there are 2 problems with your theory. 1 - I hate you, and 2 - How can that be me... when I'm standing right here?!

Squidward: SpongeBob, no matter what I've said... I always sort of liked you!
SpongeBob: Squidward, I used your clarinet to unclog my toilet!
Squidward: Huh?

Squidward: Wait, if that was you on the phone and you on the bus… then who was flickering the lights? [camera pans over to Count Orlok flickering the light switch]
All: [playfully] Nosferatu!

Krusty Love (16.2)[edit]

Mr. Krabs: $49.0... 8? That's a penny short! [cries]
Squidward: [sarcastically] Oh no, not a penny. Help, somebody help us.

[Mr. Krabs spots Mrs. Puff in the Krusty Krab.]
SpongeBob: Hey, that's my driving instructor, Mrs. Puff!
Mr. Krabs: Mrs. Puff? Aw, she's married.
SpongeBob: Oh no, Mr. Krabs. She's single.
Mr. Krabs: Then what happened to Mr. Puff? [Mr. Puff is seen as a lamp]
SpongeBob: She doesn't like to talk about it.

Mrs. Puff: [after SpongeBob's rant is done] I didn't know SpongeBob had such a colorful vocabulary.

Mr. Krabs: I'm caught in the middle of me 2 great loves - sweet Mrs. Puff and the rest of me money!

Episode 17[edit]

Procrastination (17.1)[edit]

SpongeBob: I could not ask for a more beautiful day to write an essay. [looks outside and sees a tree and mountains]

Patrick: [rubbing Sandy's bikini] Come on SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: It should be against the law to have to write an essay on such a super, sailor-ific, sunshine-y day. Oooh. But I must press onward! Because with THIS pencil, and the completion of THIS essay, I'll be one step closer to getting my driver's license. [flash cut of a live-action race car crash] Oh yeah. This should be no problemo. I got plenty of time. It's only 6:00.

[SpongeBob accidentally swallows a bit of eraser shaving, and quickly runs for water]
SpongeBob: [breathing deeply] That was a close one!
Gary: Meow.
Spongebob: [frowning] What do you mean, "overly dramatic", Gary?

SpongeBob: What?! I called to have an engaging conversation with you.
Patrick: [over the phone] Okay, I'm listening.
SpongeBob: Uhhh... Marco!
Patrick: Polo. [hangs up]

Mail Fish: Package for Mr. Squarepants.
SpongeBob: Great! Thanks. [trying to strike up a conversation] So, uh, you like delivering mail?
Mail Fish: It puts bread on the table.
SpongeBob: Rye or pumpernickel? [laughs]
Mail Fish: Oh, brother.
SpongeBob: So, do you deliver your own mail, or do you have your own mail person? But then who delivers his mail? Is there a never-ending chain of mailmen delivering mail to other mailmen? Well, I guess a P.O. box could in theory break the chain--
Mail Fish: [interrupting] Don't you have a paper to write?

Fire: Only 799 more words to go!

I'm with Stupid (17.2)[edit]

Patrick: You know something, SpongeBob? It's all fun and games for you. Nothing really matters. [sarcastically] "Oh, let's go jellyfishing! We don't have any work to do." [angrily] Life's just a big bowl of fancy assorted cashews! And nobody has anything to dust, or to clean, or to wipe… [getting increasingly worked up] ...Or FABRICATE!
SpongeBob: [gently] But Patrick, the only thing I've ever seen you clean is your plate.
[Patrick looks at SpongeBob for a split second, then falls at his feet and breaks down into tears]
SpongeBob: Patrick! You've forgotten how to eat again! Come on, we'll get the funnel.
Patrick: No it's not that, SpongeBob. It's worse!
SpongeBob: Darn, I like the funnel.

Patrick: Look. [hands SpongeBob a piece of paper]
SpongeBob: Hey, a note! [SpongeBob flips paper over and there is a music note]
Patrick: Yeah, but turn it around. There's a letter. [flips the paper over and there is the letter B]
SpongeBob: You're right.
Patrick: And I got this message from my parents. [hands SpongeBob another piece of paper]
SpongeBob: Your parents? [Reads the note out loud] "Dear Patrick, your mom and I are coming out tomorrow for Starfish Day. Please try to remember, but don't try too hard, or you'll hurt yourself like last time. Love, Daddy".

SpongeBob: Patrick, if your parents think you're dumb, then they must not know what dumb really is.
Patrick: But don't they watch television?

SpongeBob: If your parents saw a real stupid person, they would realize how much of a genius you are.
Patrick: But don't geniuses live in a lamp?

Patrick: [singing the alphabet song] A, B, C, D, E, F, G. [doorbell rings] Oh! ...H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O...!
Janet: Should I get the bullhorn again, Marty?
Patrick: ...W, X, Y and Z? [Marty doesn't realize the door has been opened and knocks on his head] Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
Marty: Son, you actually recognized us this time!
Patrick: Why wouldn't I recognize my own parents?
Marty: You never were a bright one.
Patrick: Uh--
Marty: Well, aren't you gonna show us inside?
Janet: He probably forgot where it is.

Marty: He makes phone operators seem smart!

Janet: He lives in a fruit?
Marty: That's unhealthy.

Marty: Does he always do that after he eats?
Patrick: Only on Wednesday.

Patrick: Dumb people are always blissfully unaware of how dumb they really are. [drools]

SpongeBob: I have a confession to make. I lied about being stupid. I just acted like a fool so you would appreciate Patrick a little bit more. I know how to talk, and eat, and do laundry. I even separate the darks from the lights. So what do you say we start over and try again? Hi! My name is SpongeBob SquarePants and I am not a dummy.
[Long pause]
Marty: [laughs] Amazing! Three minutes in the kitchen and our son has taught him to talk in complete sentences. Oh, good work, son!
Patrick: It wasn't easy, dad.
SpongeBob: [sputtering] But... but, but, but, but, but, but--
Janet: It looks like it's time for your next lesson, young man!
SpongeBob: Now, listen to me! I'm not dumb! I have a brain! See, here's a picture of it! [takes out a small picture of his brain]
Patrick: That must be actual size. [laughs with Marty and Janet]
SpongeBob: No, it's normal size and fully functional. Watch! [draws math problem on a chalkboard] 2 + 2 = 4.
Marty: Oh, son! You taught him math too!
SpongeBob: NO!
Marty: And you taught him to sing! [SpongeBob gets angry] Now he's short-circuiting! Looks like you taught him a little too much!
SpongeBob: [Marty, Janet and Patrick continue to laugh only for SpongeBob to not take it anymore and run home screaming]

[after SpongeBob has left]
Marty: You know, son, I've always known that when it comes to brightness, well, you're about a three-watt. But this guy-- He's a wet match in a dark cave. He makes phone operators seem smart. But more importantly, son, he's shown me what a sharp, quick-witted boy you've become. I feel like I'm really meeting you for the first time. Isn't that right, Janet?
Janet: You bet, Marty.
Patrick: [suddenly shocked to hear his "parents"' names] "Janet"?! "Marty"?! [points at them accusingly] WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!!
Janet: Marty, I'm scared!

Squidward: Excuse me. Does this lovely couple belong to you? [shows Patrick's "REAL" parents] They've been banging on my door asking, "Where's Patrick?" all day. It's driving me nuts!
Patrick: [full with joy to finally see his parents] Mom... Dad!
[they all embrace each other]
Herb: Wow, son! You actually recognized us this time!
Margie: ... And you remembered to get dressed today! [Patrick, Herb and Margie laugh]
Marty: Oh, that's right, honey... We don't have a son.
Janet: Oh, yeah! [Both walk away. Patrick and his parents laugh as their rock closes over them]

Episode 18[edit]

Sailor Mouth (18.1)[edit]

SpongeBob: Wow, 13.
Patrick: That's a lot of *[dolphin noise]* bad words.

SpongeBob: Hah, escalators!! [The dice then flips over to eels]
Patrick: Eels.
SpongeBob: AHHHH, *[dolphin noise]*! [much to his shock, he tries to cover his mouth, but it's too late]
Patrick: Ooooh! You said #11…

Mama Krabs: I guess you scallywags have earned a glass of lemonade! [laughs like Popeye as she tries to leave, but stubs her toe in the process] YEOW! My *[horn awooga]* foot! [everyone gasps]
Mr. Krabs: [with horrified shock] Mother!
Mama Krabs: What? It's Old Man Jenkins and his jalopy.
Old Man Jenkins: Howdy, Mrs. K! [honks his horn]
[SpongeBob, Patrick, and Mr. Krabs burst out laughing]

Artist Unknown (18.2)[edit]

Squidward: Now repeat after me. I have no talent.
SpongeBob: "I have no talent."
Squidward: Mr. Tentacles has all the talent.
SpongeBob: "Mr. Tentacles has all the talent."
Squidward: If I'm lucky, some of Mr. Tentacle's talent will rub off on me.
SpongeBob: "If I'm lucky, Mr. Talent... will rub his tentacles... on my art." [Pause]
Squidward: [unenthusiastically] Whatever.

Squidward: Let's start from square one. Or should I say... circle one. [draws a wobbly-looking circle] Am I going too fast for you, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: How's this, Squidward? [he has drawn a perfect circle]
Squidward: What the...? How the...? A perfect circle?! Do it again! Show your process.
SpongeBob: Well... first, I draw this head, then erase some of the more detailed features... and 1, 2, 3. A circle, uh... thingy.

SpongeBob: Look, Squidward. It's you and me playing "Leap Frog"! That's you on the bottom.

SpongeBob: Really?
Squidward: Really.
SpongeBob: Really?
Squidward: Really.
SpongeBob: Really?
Squidward: [annoying] Really!
SpongeBob: Wow. ...Really?
Squidward: ...Let's go.

Episode 19[edit]

Jellyfish Hunter (19.1)[edit]

Mr. Krabs: What don't you understand about "More"!? [multiple of SpongeBobs are watching jellyfishes] More! More! More. More. More! More. More! [He grimaces and demands more] More, more, more, more, more! MOOOOORE!!! [Cut to night. A sign reading "Jellyfish Fields: Population Million is seen. The word "4,000,000" is crossed out]
SpongeBob: Well, there's no more! Now, that's jellyfishing!

The Fry Cook Games (19.2)[edit]

Fish: I declare these Fry Cook Games... OPEN!

Patrick: D'oh, come on, you're just flipping Patties.
SpongeBob: Hey, flipping is not as easy as it sounds! [Patrick flips over a rock with his foot and makes a sizzling noise] Why don't you go home, Patrick? You can compete in the "Laying Under a Rock All Day" Games!
Patrick: [shocked] Well, at least, I don't polish my fingernails!
SpongeBob: [gasps] You take that back! [a gleam shows at the tip of his fingernails]
Patrick: [mocking] Fingernails, fingernails, fingernails!
SpongeBob: You don't even have fingernails!
Patrick: [shocked] I cannot believe what I am hearing!
SpongeBob: How can you hear it? You don't have ears either!
Patrick: [thinking of a way to say something about SpongeBob then spots his holes] Er... Holes, holes!
SpongeBob: Conehead!
Patrick: Yellow!
SpongeBob: Pink!

Plankton: Please turn your attention to the south-west corridor of the arena! [Crowd turns to their right] Other way... [under his breath] Imbeciles.

SpongeBob: I can't believe it, Mr. Krabs. I thought Patrick was my friend.
Mr. Krabs: Friend? Not in here, he ain't.
SpongeBob: What do you mean?
Plankton: He's not really your friend.
Patrick: He's not?
Plankton: He's plotting your downfall right now!
SpongeBob: He is?
Mr. Krabs: He's gonna stab you in the back.
Patrick: He wouldn't!
Plankton: Of course he would. Just look at him. Square: the shape of evil!
Mr. Krabs: He's making a mockery of your profession. Are we gonna let some pretender take away what belongs to the Krusty Krab?
SpongeBob: No!
Plankton: Then get mean!
Patrick: I'm mean!
Mr. Krabs: Get angry!
SpongeBob: I'm angry!
Plankton: Now get out there...!
Mr. Krabs: ...And win...
Plankton: ...That...
Mr. Krabs: ...Medal!

Mr. Krabs: Win this one for the Krusty Krab!
SpongeBob: [runs forward] FOR THE KRUSTY KRAB!!!
Plankton: Win this one because I told you to!
Patrick: [runs forward as well] BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME TO!!!
[frys the whole audience, which turn into fishsticks]
Vendor: Fishsticks! Get you fishsticks here!

Patrick: [sitting ontop of SpongeBob and holding his foot] Forgot the Chum Bucket! This is personal. [takes off SpongeBob's shoe and lick his foot]

Patrick: [after SpongeBob has erased "Pat" from his name tag in the middle of their wrestling match] NO!! My name's... not... RICK!!!

SpongeBob: I don't like you!
Patrick: I don't like you more!
SpongeBob: I never liked you!
Patrick: I 1,000 times never liked you!
SpongeBob: Pink!
Patrick: Yellow!
[They struggle to push each other until both of their pants rip and fall down. Patrick's underwear is yellow and SpongeBob's is pink.]
SpongeBob: Yellow?
Patrick: Pink?
[their eyes start to water]
Both: You do care!
[they both cry and hug]
SpongeBob: Let's promise never to fight again, buddy.
Patrick: Yeah, pal. Let's go home.
[The two friends walk off whistling and holding hands. The crowd boos.]
Mr. Krabs: [runs up; to SpongeBob and Patrick] Hey! Where ya going?
Plankton: [runs up next to Mr. Krabs; also to SpongeBob and Patrick] Get back here and kill each other!
Patrick: You're my best friend ever.
SpongeBob: You too, Patrick.
Patrick: You know, these were white when I bought 'em.

Episode 20[edit]

Squid on Strike (20.1)[edit]

Squidward: Nobody cares about the fate of laborers as long as they can get their instant gratification.

Mr. Krabs: I've got a bad feeling in the pit of me wallet.

[Squidward sighs]
Mr. Krabs: Breathe on your own time. I don't pay ya ta breathe.

SpongeBob: [singing] We're goin' on strike, we're goin' on strike! I still don't know what "strike" means, but we're goin' on strike! [accidentally kicks Mr. Krabs]

Squidward: Okay, pay attention SpongeBob. Now we're going to make picket signs; this is a very important part of striking.
SpongeBob: [holding up a picket fence on a stick] Like this, Squidward?
Squidward: [annoyed] Not a picket fence, you ding-dong' 'Picket sign!'
SpongeBob: [now holding a sign with a finger picking a nose] How's this?
Squidward: No. [holds up a picket sign] This is a picket sign. [quickly] Krusty Krab Unfair. Short, sweet and to the point.
SpongeBob: [holds a third one that says "Krusty Krab Funfair"] How's this, Squidward?
Squidward: [annoyed again] SpongeBob, it's "unfair", not "funfair"!

SpongeBob: Krusty Krab is unfair. Mr. Krabs is in there, standing at the consession, plotting his opression.
Fish teen: What the heck does that mean?
SpongeBob: I don't know, Squidward told me to yell it at people.
Fish teen: Then you must be SpongeBob SquarePants.
SpongeBob: Yep.
Fish teen: Dude, you are like, a fry cook legend! Will you sign my spatula?
SpongeBob: [takes a pen] Anything for an aspiring fry cook. [signs the spatula] So, did you come down to help out the cause?
Fish teen: No, I came to take your job. [SpongeBob is shocked by the words, the fish teen runs into the Krusty Krab to apply] Hey thanks dude!
[Squidward walks up to SpongeBob holding a megaphone]
Squidward: [bellowing at SpongeBob through the megaphone] ATTENTION, SPONGEBOB! YOU ARE A TERRIBLE STRIKER! [the bellowing is so loud that SpongeBob's facial features are blown off and he is blown away; SpongeBob puts his eyes back into their sockets] You just let your replacement cross our picket line without so much as a single threat.
SpongeBob: I'm sorry, Squidward. [holds up a sign saying "I heart the Krusty Krab"] How about I try the signs again?
Squidward: [in megaphone] FORGET THE SIGNS! I've got something for you to do, go stand over there.
SpongeBob: [stands next to a telephone pole] Like this, Squidward?
Squidward: Almost. A little more to the right. [SpongeBob sidesteps to the right] And... perfect. [SpongeBob is now hidden behind the telephone pole. A crowd gathers as Squidward begins his speech] Attention people of Bikini Bottom, you have been cheated and lied to!
Cora: I knew it. [slaps Dennis the old fish]
Squidward: The gentle laborer shall no longer suffer from the noxious greed of Mr. Krabs!
Archie: Hey, what's that guy talking about?
Francis: I don't know, but he's got a megaphone.
Squidward: We will dismantle oppression board by board! We'll saw the foundation of big business in half, even if it takes AN ETERNITY!
[the crowd cheers]
SpongeBob: [off-screen because he is hiding behind the pole] Gee, I don't know what Squidward's talking about, but he sure sounds convincing.
Squidward: With your support, we will send the hammer of the people's will crashing through the windows of Mr. Krabs' HOUSE OF SERVITUDE!!! [speaking in Fred's face, causing his eyes to shoot inside to the back of his head and they soon return to the eye sockets]
[the crowd cheers again]
Billy the Lime Fish: Wow, all this supporting is making me hungry.
Sandals: Hey everybody, let's go get a Krabby Patty!
[the crowd cheers once more and they run to the Krusty Krab, trampling on Squidward along the way]
Squidward: Seriously, thank you.

Sandy, SpongeBob and the Worm (20.2)[edit]

Fish 5: We should lock our doors!
Mable: We should call my nephew!
Knight Fish: We should dig a moat!
Patrick: We should take Bikini Bottom, and push it somewhere else! [crowd immediately quiets down]
Squidward: That idea may just be crazy enough... TO GET US ALL KILLED!!! [crowd resumes fretting]
Patrick: [amongst the murmuring] What's wrong with my idea?

Sandy: Who's the strongest critter in Bikini Bottom? [pulls a live-action boat down underwater by its anchor]
SpongeBob: You are.
Sandy: And who put the, hiyah-hah-huah, "K" in "karate"?!
SpongeBob: [body is shaped like a "U"] You did.
Sandy: And who saves your yellow backside from certain destruction on a regular basis? [SpongeBob's backside reads "Property of Sandy Cheeks"]
SpongeBob: You do.

SpongeBob: That's not the worm.
Sandy: Pardon?
SpongeBob: That's not the worm. That's its tongue!
[Zooms out to reveal the Alaskan Bull Worm and how he is compared to the two; his eyes blink]
Sandy: Oh. This is the tongue… and the whole thing is the... worm. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!

Orange Fish: [after the worm passes him, eating his rear end off again] Not again!

Patrick: PUSH! [they push Bikini Bottom] PUSH! [they push one more time]
Crowd: Hooray!
[Suddenly, the worm falls on Bikini Bottom and its citizens (including Patrick), crushing it]
Worm: [in a deep voice] Ouuuuch.

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