The Simpsons/Season 4
(Redirected from Homer's Triple Bypass)
The Simpsons: Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 | Movie Crank calls
The Simpsons (1989–present) is an American animated sitcom broadcast by the Fox Broadcasting Company created by Matt Groening. The series is a satirical depiction of American life, epitomized by the Simpson family.
- Lisa: You're serving us gruel?
- Dolph: Not quite. [pulls out a large drum of gruel with Krusty's face on the front] This is Krusty-Brand Imitation Gruel. Nine out of ten orphans can't tell the difference.
- [Krusty has arrived at the camp to deal with the Bart-led riot]
- Bart: How could you, Krusty? I'd never lend my name to an inferior product.
- Krusty: [crying] They drove a dump truck full of money up to my house! I'm not made of stone!
- Bart: Krusty, this camp was a nightmare! They fed us gruel, they forced us to make wallets for export, and one of the campers was eaten by a bear!
- Krusty: OH MY GOD!! [sobs]
- Bart: Well, actually, the bear just ate his hat.
- Krusty: Was it a nice hat?
- Bart: Oh, yeah.
- Krusty: OH MY GOD!! [continues sobbing]
- Llewelyn Sinclair: Hello! I am Llewelyn Sinclair! I have directed three plays in my career and I have had three heart attacks. That's how much I care, I am planning for a fourth.
- Marge: Hmm, maybe I should have taken a nice calligraphy class.
- Chief Wiggum: Oh, forget it, that Mr. Takahashi's a lunatic.
- Llewelyn Sinclair: Quiet!
- Chief Wiggum: Sorry.
- Llewelyn Sinclair: I'm not an easy man to work for. While directing Hats Off to Chanukkah, I reduced more than one cast member to tears. Did I expect too much from fourth-graders? The review "Play enjoyed by all"... [holds up an elementary school newspaper with said headline] speaks for itself.
- Bart: Are there any jive-talking robots in this play?
- Marge: I don't think so.
- Homer: Bart, don't ask stupid questions. [to Marge] Is there any frontal nudity?
- Marge: [sighs] No, Homer.
- [Groundskeeper Willie tries to unfreeze the church doors with a blowtorch.]
- Reverend Lovejoy: How's that door coming, Willie?
- Groundskeeper Willie: Miracles are your department, Reverend.
- [God appears in Homer's dream, ripping the roof off his house.]
- Homer: God ...?
- God: [points finger at Homer] Thou hast forsaken My church!
- Homer: Well, kind of, but-
- God: But what?!
- Homer: I'm not a bad guy. I work hard and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to hell?
- God: [stops himself] Hmm, you've got a point there. [sits beside Homer] Sometimes, even I would rather be watching football. Does St. Louis still have a team?
- Homer: No, they moved to Phoenix.
- God: Oh, yeah.
- Homer: You know what I really hate about church? Those boring sermons.
- God: [sighs] I couldn't agree more, that Reverend Lovejoy really displeases me. I think I'll give him a canker sore.
- Homer: Give him one for me.
- God: I will. [pets Snowball II]
- Homer: So I figure I should just try to live right and worship You in my own way.
- God: Homer, it's a deal. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to appear in a tortilla in Mexico.
- [After Homer's friends save him from his burning house.]
- Homer: The Lord is vengeful! [falls to his knees] O Spiteful One! Show me who to smite, and they shall be smoten!
- Ned: [chuckles] Homer, God didn't set your house on fire.
- Reverend Lovejoy: No, but He was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they came to your aid, be they [points to Ned] Christian, [Krusty] Jew, or [Apu] ...miscellaneous.
- Apu: Hindu! There are 700 million of us.
- Reverend Lovejoy: [condescendingly] Aw, that's super.
- Homer: I was rude to every one of you. And you saved my life when you could've just left me to fry like the proverbial pancake that I am.
- Marge: Aw, Homer! I'm so glad to hear you say that.
- Kent Brockman: Scott, everyone is here from the Mayor's illegitimate son to our own [camera focuses up] Duff blimp.
- Barney: [aboard the Duff blimp] Hi. Can I drive?
- Pilot: Well, I can't see the harm.
- [Barney crashes the blimp into a nearby radio tower, causing the blimp to burst into flames.]
- Kent Brockman: [looks away] Oh, the humanity! Anyway, to turn on the store's severe tire damage spikes, here's Little Miss Springfield.
- Kent Brockman: But it does seem the father of the deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson, filled out the pageant application incorrectly. In the area under "Do not write in this space," he wrote "Okay."
- [Homer and Lisa watch at home]
- Homer: If it wasn't for me, you'd still be queen. You must hate me.
- Lisa: Dad, do you remember why you entered me in that pageant?
- Homer: I dunno. Was I drunk?
- Lisa: Possibly. But the point is, you wanted me to feel better about myself. And I do.
- Homer: Really?
- Lisa: Uh-huh.
- Homer: Will you remember this the next time I wreck your life?
- Lisa: It's a deal.
- [They hug]
- Homer: Do you sell toys?
- Shopkeeper: We sell forbidden objects from places men dare to tread. We also sell frozen yogurt which I call frogurt.
- Homer: Well, I need something for my son's birthday.
- Shopkeeper: Ah, perhaps this will please the gentleman. [picks a Krusty the Clown doll] Take this object, but beware it carries a terrible curse.
- Homer: [worried] Ooooh, that's bad.
- Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free frogurt.
- Homer: [relieved] That's good.
- Shopkeeper: The frogurt is also cursed.
- Homer: [worried] That's bad.
- Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of topping.
- Homer: [relieved] That's good.
- Shopkeeper: The toppings contain potassium benzoate. [Homer stares] That's bad.
- Homer: Can I go now?
- Flanders: [now a zombie] Hey Simpson, I'm feeling a might peckish! Mind if I chew your ear?
- [Homer shoots Flanders]
- Bart: Dad, you killed the Zombie Flanders!
- Homer: [quizzically] He was a zombie?
- Marge: Now, be good for Grampa while we're at the parent-teacher meeting. We'll bring back dinner.
- Lisa: What are we gonna have?
- Homer: Well that depends on what your teachers say. If both of you have been good, pizza. If you've been bad, um...let's see, poison.
- Lisa: What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?
- Bart: Poison pizza.
- Homer: Oh no, I'm not making two stops.
- Homer: Someday you'll thank me for this, son.
- Bart: Not bloody likely.
- Homer: No, it's true. When I was a boy, I wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed and hit my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage.
- Bart: Dad, what's the point of this story?
- Homer: I like stories.
- Bart: Look, can I please go to the movie?
- Homer: I know my punishment may seem a little harsh, but I can't go back on it. You're welcome to watch anything you want on TV.
- Bart: TV sucks.
- Homer: [low, angry voice] I know you're upset right now, so I'll pretend you didn't say that.
- Mr. Burns: Marge, I'm giving you a raise and a new office, right next to mine. [laughs]
- Smithers: But sir, that's my office.
- Mr. Burns: Don't worry Smithers, I'm putting you where the action is.
- [In the men's restroom, Smithers is cleaning the urinals with a toothbrush.]
- Smithers: Springtime fresh, winter white. What could be better?
- Homer: [bursts in and unzips his fly.] Aw man, I really gotta...
- Smithers: NOOOOO!
- Marge: So do you think I have a case?
- Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, you're in luck. Your sexual harassment suit is just the thing I need to rebuild my shattered practice. [he produces a bottle from his desk] Care to join me in a belt of Scotch?
- Marge: It's 9:30 in the morning.
- Lionel Hutz: Yeah, but I haven't slept in days. [takes a generous swig] Last chance... [Homer and Marge don't respond. Hutz drains the bottle] Oh, yeah....
- [Bart and Lisa are fighting while Homer is on the phone with a babysitter.]
- Homer: [to Bart and Lisa] Shut up, you little monsters!! [to the phone] I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels.
- [On the other end of the line.]
- Woman: I'm sorry, this isn't Abby. This is her sister. I look after her now.
- [Abby rocks in her chair and mumbles quietly to herself.]
- Abby: No, Bart... put it down... put it down, Bart... Bart, put it down.
- [Homer and Marge are sitting at their table at The Frying Dutchman, a waiter is taking their order]
- Waiter: I’m sorry ma’am but everything on the menu has fish in it.
- Marge: What about the bread? Does that have much fish in it?
- Waiter: Yes.
- Marge: Well, I have some Tic-Tacs in my purse [looking through her purse]
- Waiter: Excellent choice. [writes on his notepad then turns to Homer] And for the gentleman?
- Homer: All you can eat! All you can eat!
- Waiter: All right, when you’re ready, take this plate over- [holds up a small plate to give to Homer but he is already taking a tray from the buffet table]
- Kitchen staff member: Please, don’t take the steam tray! Sir!
- [It is now 6:00 at night and Homer is still eating relentlessly as Marge is sleeping across the table from him. The staff members and the Sea Captain watch in awe]
- Teenage waiter: That man ate all our shrimp and two plastic lobsters.
- Sea Captain: ‘Tis no man. ‘Tis a remorseless eating machine. Argh. [walks over to Marge and Homer] 6 bells, time for closing.
- Homer: Can’t talk. Eating.
- Sea Captain: Fairly warned be thee, says I. [he snaps his fingers and two waiters drag Homer out of the restaurant as he is still eating]
- Homer: Hey. Hey! Hey! [runs back to the buffet table, starts shovelling food with his hands and the waiters drag him out again as Marge follows on foot] But the sign said “All You Can Eat”
- Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, in your own words, please tell us what happened after you and your husband were ejected from the restaurant.
- Marge: We pretty much went straight home.
- Lionel Hutz: Remember, Mrs. Simpson, you're still under oath.
- Marge: We drove around until 3:00 in the morning looking for another open all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant.
- Lionel Hutz: And when you couldn't find any?
- Marge: [crying] We went fishing!
- Lionel Hutz: [to the jury] Do these sound like the actions of a man who'd had all he could eat?
- The Jury: [all of whom are incredibly obese] No!
- One Particular Fat Juror: That could have been me!
- Homer: [angry] Mr. West, you said there was a job for me.
- Adam West: There was. When I called you, [camera zooms in dramatically] 45 minutes ago.
- Barney: So long, Superman, your secret identity is safe with me.
- Kent Brockman: Hardest hit by the blizzard is Springfield's forbidding Widow's Peak. Our own Arnie Pye is on the scene.
- Arnie Pye: [live remote, in a helicopter] Everything's snowed in, all I can see is white!
- Kent Brockman: [impatiently] Arnie, please. The ski conditions.
- Pye: [now upside-down] Mayday, mayday! I think I'm flying into a mountain! Tell my wife I love-- [picture fuzzes out]
- Brockman: [chuckles] That's great, Arnie.
- Homer: [signing his Mr. Plow jingle] Call Mr. Plow, that’s my name. That name again is Mr. Plow.
- Marge: Maggie, can you say ba-ba? Can you say mama?
- Bart: Can you say get bent?
- Marge: Bart!
- Bart: Mr. Rogers says all the time.
- Marge: He does not.
- Homer: Maggie, can you say daddy? Daddy.
- Marge: Kitty. Kitty.
- Lisa: Be-bop. Be-bop.
- Bart: Shove it. Shove it.
- Bart: Hey, Homer, this house sucks!
- Homer: Bart, I told you not to use that word. Call me daddy!
- Bart: Homer, nah!
- [Homer chokes Bart]
- [Krusty has just announced Krusty Burger's Olympic sweepstakes]
- Krusty: Put a sock in it, preppy! How much are these free burgers gonna cost me?
- Company Agent: Not to worry, Mr. K, we've rigged the cards; they're all in events that Communists never lose.
- Krusty: [satisfied] I like, I like!
- Aide: This just came in over the wires, Big K! [hands him a paper sheet]
- Krusty: [reading] "Soviet boycott, U.S. unopposed in most events". How does this affect our giveaway?
- Company Agent: Let's see. [punches numbers into a calculator] You personally stand to lose 44 million dollars.
- [Krusty sobs]
- TV Announcer: Welcome back to this, the final day of the 23rd Olympiad, brought to you by Krusty Burger.
- Krusty: [furious] YOU PEOPLE ARE PIGS! [sobs] I personally am gonna spit in every 50th burger!
- Homer: [surrounded by piles of free Krusty Burgers] I like those odds.
(Homer is in the hospital the day Lisa is born. Lisa is in her bassinet while Homer talks to her and Marge reads "Fretful Mother" magazine)
- Homer: Little Lisa. I've already started you a college fund at Lincoln Savings and Loan.
- Marge: According to this magazine, Bart might be jealous of her.
- Homer: Yeah, well, Bart can kiss my hairy, yellow butt.
(Homer and Marge are discussing moving out)
- Marge: I'm afraid we're going to need a bigger place.
- Homer: No, we won't. I got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's crib, and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21.
- Marge: Won't that warp him?
- Homer: My cousin Frank did it.
- Marge: You don't have a cousin Frank.
- Homer: He became Francine in '76, then he joined that cult. I think his name is "Mother Shabubu" now.
- Bart: Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV generation.
- Lisa: We feel neither highs or lows.
- Homer: Really? What's it like?
- Lisa: [shrugs] Eh.
- Krusty: Hey hey! [goofy laugh] [Homer grunts in pain; clutching his chest.] Hey, what's the matter? Oh, right. My grotesque appearance!
- Homer: Krusty, why are you here?
- Krusty: Eh, it's part of my public service for my "Glug-glug, vroom-vroom, thump-thump."
- Homer: Well, I could use a laugh.
- Krusty: Well, there's nothing funny about what you're about to go through. I know! [Takes off his shirt, revealing a pacemaker scar.] I'm in the zipper club myself! [lights a cigarette]
- Homer: You seem pretty healthy.
- Krusty: Yeah? Well I got news for ya: this ain't makeup!
- Lyle Lanley: I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum, it put them on the map! Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bonafide, electrified six-car monorail! What'd I say?
- Ned: Monorail!
- Lyle: What's it called?
- Patty and Selma: Monorail.
- Lyle: That's right, monorail! [the crowd starts chanting "monorail" as Lyle begins to play piano]
- Ms. Hoover: I hear those things are awfully loud.
- Lyle: It glides as softly as a cloud!
- Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend?
- Lyle: Not on your life, my Hindu friend!
- Barney: What about us brain-dead slobs?
- Lyle: You'll be given cushy jobs!
- Abe Simpson: Were you sent here by the Devil?
- Lyle: No, good sir, I'm on the level!
- Chief Wiggum: The ring came off my pudding can.
- Lyle: Take my pen knife, my good man! I swear it's Springfield's only choice! Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
- All: Monoraaaaaaail! (Lyle: What's it called?) Monoraaaaaaail!! (Lyle: Once again!) Monoraaaaaaail!!!
- Marge: But Main Street's still all cracked and broken!
- Bart: Sorry Mom, the mob has spoken!
- All: Monoraaaaaaail! Monoraaaaaaail!! Monoraaaaaaail!!! MONORAIL!
- Homer: Mono... [realizes the song is over] D'oh!
- [Marge opens the fire extinguisher cabinet, sees a mother opossum with four offspring sleeping, who then start hissing]
- Marge: Homer, there's a family of possums in here!
- Homer: I call the big one Bitey.
- [A solar eclipse forms outside]
- Leonard Nimoy: A solar eclipse. The cosmic ballet... goes on.
- Male Passenger: Does anyone want to switch seats?
- [Lyle Lanley tries to escape on a plane with Springfield’s money]
- Pilot: Folks, this is your captain speaking. Our nonstop flight to Tahiti will be making a brief layover in North Haverbrook.
- Lyle: North Haverbrook. Where have I heard that name before? [suddenly remembers] Oh, no. … Oh, no!
- Man with pitchfork: There he is! Seat 3-F!
- [The angry citizens of North Haverbrook beat Lyle Lanley with many items]
- Marge: The funeral is in Littleneck Falls. We'll have to go to Duff Gardens another time.
- Lisa: We understand.
- Bart: No use complaining about something you can't change.
- Homer: But I wanna go to Duff Gardens. Right now!
- Marge: Homer, quit pouting.
- Homer: I'm not pouting. I'm mourning. Stupid dead woman.
- Hans Moleman: [reading an eye chart at the DMV and failing] R, Q, J, question mark? Smiley face?
- [Selma stamps his driver's license 'VOID']
- Selma Bouvier: [voids driver's license] Next! Wait a minute-it says here you're single.
- Hans Moleman: Did I do wrong?
- Hans: [cut to Selma and Hans at a fancy restaurant. Hans is trying to read the menu] Combed, biscuits, chicken, yellow, mailman.
- Waitress: You're reading the wine list, sir.
- Hans: Very good.
- Bart: Hey Lise, I dare you to drink the water.
- Lisa: I'm not sure that is water...
- Bart: Chicken. [begins clucking loudly]
- Lisa: Quit it, Bart. Quit it! QUIT IT, QUIT IT!
- Selma: Bart, be quiet! Lisa, drink the water!
- Security Guard: We found this one swimming naked in the Fermentarium.
- Lisa: I AM THE LIZARD QUEEN!
- White-coated Man: Give her this...[gives Selma two pills]...and this...[gives her two more]...and then these. [gives her an entire handful]
- Selma: Thank you, doctor.
- White-coated Man: Oh, I'm not a doctor.
- [Bart's class is having Show and Tell]
- Bart: Someday, I want to be an F-14 pilot like my hero, Tom. He lent me this new weapon called a neural disrupter.
- [Bart demonstrates the sheer power of the neural disrupter by shooting it at Martin's forehead]
- Martin: Hey...
- [falls down on the ground, twitching]
- Mrs. Krabappel: He's not dead, is he Bart?
- Bart: Nah, but I wouldn't give him any homework for awhile.
- Mrs. Krabappel: Very good, Bart. Thank you.
- Bart: Oh, don't thank me. Thank an unprecedented eight-year military build-up.
- Mrs. Krabappel: Mmm. Milhouse, you're next.
- Milhouse: Uh, I have a horsey.
- [mimics his toy horse neighing weakly which then trails off]
- Nelson: Wuss!
- (during Krusty's monologue on Tuesday Night Live)
- Krusty: We got a great show for ya. Well, actually, the last half-hour is a real garbage dump! (sighs): We'll be right back.
- (as the band from Tuesday Night Live plays before going to commercial):
- Bart: I miss Joe Piscopo.
- Kent Brockman: This just in, a fist-fight is in progress in downtown Springfield. Initial reports indicate, and these are very preliminary, that one of the fighters is a giant lizard. [shot of Godzilla appears in the background.] Do we have a source on this? Uh-huh, a bunch of drunken frat boys. All right, I could use some names. "I.P Freely". Uh... [realizes] Grrr!
- Homer: Hello, son. Where have you been?
- Bart: Playing with Milhouse.
- Homer: No, you haven't! You've been out gallivanting around with that floozy of a bigger brother of yours! Haven't you? Haven't you? Look at me!
- Bart: Dad, it just kind of happened. You're taking this too hard.
- Homer: How would you like me to take it? "Go ahead, Bart. Have your fun. I'll be waiting for you"? I'm sorry. I can't do it!
- Bart: Well, what are you gonna do?
- Homer: Oh-ho. You'll see.
- [Lisa opens a package from Ralph.]
- Lisa: A Malibu Stacy convertible! [she finds a note from Ralph] "Look in the tunk." He must mean "trunk". [opens trunk] Two tickets to the Krusty Anniversary Show! Oh, he must want me to go with him.
- Bart: That's not fair! I'm ten times the Krusty fan you are. I even have the Krusty Home Pregnancy test!
- Lisa: I'm not sure if I should go. I don't even like him.
- Bart: You're right, Lis. You shouldn't go. It wouldn't be honest. I'll go disguised as you.
- Lisa: But what if he wants to hold hands?
- Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
- Lisa: What if he wants to kiss?
- Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
- Lisa: What if he wants to--
- Bart: You don't want to know how far I'll go.
- [Determined to avenge Ralph for being harshly spurned by Lisa, Chief Wiggum pulls Homer over.]
- Homer: Is there a problem, officer?
- Chief Wiggum: Yep. Got a tail-light out.
- Homer: Where?
- Wiggum: [smashes a tail-light] Right there.
- Homer: [angrily] You know, one day, honest citizens are gonna stand up to you crooked cops!
- Wiggum: [alarmed] They are? Oh no! Have they set a date?
- [At an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.]
- Otto: My name is Ot-to. I love to get blot-to.
- Hans Moleman: My name is Hans. Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old.
- Homer: My name is Homer and I'm just here because the court made me come.
- Reverend Lovejoy: Homer, with our help, you'll never touch a beer again.
- [Homer immediately screams and jumps through a window.]
- [Mr. Burns and Smithers watch Homer tear up the union contract on a hidden camera]
- Mr. Burns: Who is that firebrand, Smithers?
- Smithers: That's Homer Simpson, sir.
- Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? New man?
- Smithers: Actually, sir, he thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, his wife painted you in the nude...
- Mr. Burns: ...Eh, doesn't ring a bell.
- Bart: Cool! She'll be a freak.
- Marge: Bart!
- Bart: We can stick her in a trailer, drive her around the South and charge two bits a gander.
- Mr. Burns: We don't have to be adversaries, Homer! We both want a fair union contract!
- Homer: [internally] Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?
- Mr. Burns: And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours!
- Homer: Wait a minute... is he coming onto me?
- Mr. Burns: I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?
- Homer: My God, he is coming onto me!
- Mr. Burns: After all... negotiations make strange bedfellows! [chuckles, clicks his tongue and winks]
- Homer: [screams]
- Homer: [gets up] Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered – maybe even a little curious – But the answer is no!
- Lisa: Do you really think you can get our dental plan back?
- Homer: Well, that depends on who's the better negotiator, Mr. Burns or me...
- Bart: Dad, I'll trade you this delicious doorstop for your crummy old Danish.
- Homer: Done and done!
- [Mr. Burns has called in an elderly strikebreaking team led by Grampa Simpson.]
- Grampa: We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. [other strikebreakers mutter in agreement] One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville: I needed a new heel for m'shoe. So, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Gimme five bees for a quarter," you'd say. Now, where were we? Oh, yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have any white onions, because o' the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...
- [While the thermostat is set to very high levels, Homer begins to open the can of beer Bart had shaken up with a paint mixer.]
- Bart: April F- [an explosion of beer blows out the windows and roof of the Simpsons' house and takes the shape of a mushroom cloud]
- [Lou and Chief Wiggum stop the police car.]
- Lou: That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place.
- Chief Wiggum: Forget it! That's two blocks away.
- Lou: [squints] Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney.
- Chief Wiggum: [gets out of the car] I am proceeding on foot. Call in a Code 8.
- Lou: [into radio as Wiggum runs towards the cloud] We need pretzels! Repeat, pretzels!
- Bart: Dad, it's all my fault. I shook up that can of beer. It was just an April Fools joke.
- [Life support machine starts to change from showing Homer's life signs to outlines of Bart. His mouth begins to form a growl, his fingers twitch and his eyes slowly open in anger.]
- Homer: [angrily turns red] Why, you little--!! [grabs Bart and proceeds to strangle him]
- Bobby: First, the award for the alumnus who gained the most weight. Homer Simpson!
- Homer Simpson: Oh, my God!
- Bobby: How'd you do it, Homer?
- Homer Simpson: I discovered a meal between breakfast and brunch.
- Bobby: And now the award from most improved odor. Homer Simpson!
- Homer Simpson: Yes!
- Bobby: And the person who traveled the least distance to be here. Well, kiss my grits, Homer Simpson!
- Homer Simpson: What can I say? It hasn't been easy staying in my rut.
- Principal Dondelinger: Ahem. Class of '74, I was just leafing through your permanent records when I discovered something shocking. Homer Simpson never passed Remedial Science 1-A and thus never graduated from high school.
- Lisa: That's as bad as the tasteless "Itchy & Sambo" cartoons of the late '30s. The writers should be ashamed of themselves.
- Bart: Cartoons have writers?
- Lisa: Eh, sort of.
- Bart: Oh yeah? Well you and I could write a better cartoon than that.
- Lisa: Write a cartoon ourselves? Bart, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- Bart: Probably not. [in his mind, Bart is thinking about holding Santa Claus at gunpoint] Lie in the snow and count to 60. [Bart leaps into the sleigh and cracks the reins] Hiyah! [laughs evilly as he flies into the distance] Merry Christmas, suckers!
- [Bart and the bullies make their way to Utility Basement B looking for mountain bikes.]
- Nelson: Hey, what gives? Where are the mountain bikes?
- Principal Skinner: [appears] Sorry about the ruse, gentlemen. You're being swept under the rug for the superintendent's visit. Enjoy. [closes the door and locks them in]
- Jimbo: How are we going to get out of here?
- Nelson: And when are we going to get our mountain bikes?
- Principal Skinner: [outside of the room] Would the world judge me harshly if I threw away the key?
- Groundskeeper Willie: Nay, but the PTA would tear you a new arse.
- Principal Skinner: Wise counsel, William, but the potty talk adds nothing.
- Willie: Aye, sir. [under his breath] Ye bath-takin', underpants-wearin', lily-hugger.
- [Springfield residents track down the snakes to the Simpson place, but Lisa wants a stop to the killing.]
- Lisa: Now wait a minute! How could you do this to snakes after all they've done for you?
- Grandpa: I'm an old man. I hate everything but Matlock. Ooh, it's on now.
- Lisa: Mrs. Glick, who killed all the rats in your basement?
- Mrs. Glick: Snake did.
- Bart: And you love snakes, don't you Mr. White?
- Barry White: I love the sexy slither of a lady snake. Oh baby.
- Lionel Hutz: Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson, I-- Uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder.
- Marge: Is that bad?
- Lionel Hutz: Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog.
- Marge: You did?
- Lionel Hutz: Well, replace the word "kinda" with the word "repeatedly", and the word "dog" with "son."
- Lionel Hutz: Now Apu, Mrs. Simpson claims that she forgot she was carrying that bottle of [looks at bottle] delicious... bourbon... brownest of the brown liquors... [hugs bottle] so tempting... [puts the bottle to his ear] What's that? You want me to drink you? But I'm in the middle of a trial. Excuse me. [Hutz rushes out of courtroom to call his best friend] Hello, David? I'm really tempted!
- Crosby: Just take it one day at a time, and know that I love you.
- Hutz: I love you too, man.
- Krusty: Every time you watch my show, I will send you $40! [holds up check to audience]
- Man: [quick voice-over] Checks will not be honored.
- Bart: Hey, Red Hot Chili Peppers, would you guys be interested in a Krusty the Clown comeback special?
- Flea: Sure, if you can get us out of this gig.
- Bart: No problemo. Hey, Moe! Look over there! [Bart points to a blank wall]
- Moe: What? What am I looking at? I don't see anything. Gonna stop looking now! What, is that it...?
- Homer: Hey, Moe, can I look too?
- Moe: Sure, but it'll cost you.
- Homer: My wallet's in the car!
- Moe: [chuckles] He is so stupid. And now back to the wall!