The Simpsons/Season 4

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The Simpsons Season 4

Kamp Krusty[edit]

Marge: Homer, you do remember your promise to the children?
Homer: Sure do. When you're 18, you're out the door!

Homer: Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
Announcer: Seventeen.
Homer: D'oh!
Announcer: Thirty-two.
Homer: D'oh!
Announcer: Five.
Homer: D'oh!
Announcer: Eight.
Homer: Whoo-hoo!
Announcer: Forty-seven.
Homer: D'oh!

Lisa: You're serving us gruel?
Dolph: Not quite. [pulls out a large drum of gruel with Krusty's face on the front] This is Krusty-Brand Imitation Gruel. Nine out of ten orphans can't tell the difference.

Mr. Black: Well, kids, I promised you a little treat in lieu of dinner, and here it is. The man who took an abandoned mule tannery, and turned it into a summer wonderland: Mr. Krusty the Clown!
[Instead of the real Krusty, it's a disheveled and crudely disguised Barney Gumble.]
Mr. Black: Now, I must tell you kids Krusty has laryngitis and a bad back, so he won't be saying anything or doing anything.
Milhouse: Krusty looks fat!
Lisa: He's really having trouble keeping his balance!
Ralph: He's still funny, but not ha-ha funny!
Bart: [angry] That's not Krusty the Clown!!
[The other kids gasp.]
Mr. Black: Well, what do you think? I slapped a clown suit on some wino? [laughs nervously]
Barney: Yeah, Bart, I am so Crunchy the Clown! [belches]

A Streetcar Named Marge[edit]

Llewelyn Sinclair: Hello! I am Llewelyn Sinclair! I have directed three plays in my career, and I have had three heart attacks! That's how much I care, I am planning for a fourth.
Marge: [aside] Hmm, maybe I should have taken a nice calligraphy class.
Chief Wiggum: Oh, forget it, that Mr. Takahashi's a lunatic.
Sinclair: Quiet!
Wiggum: Sorry.

Llewelyn Sinclair: I'm not an easy man to work for. While directing Hats Off to Chanukkah, I reduced more than one cast member to tears. Did I expect too much from fourth-graders? The review "Play enjoyed by all"... [holds up an elementary school newspaper with said headline] speaks for itself.

Homer the Heretic[edit]

[God appears in Homer's dream, ripping the roof off his house.]
Homer: God ...?
God: [points finger at Homer] Thou hast forsaken my church!
Homer: Well, kind of, but –
God: But what?
Homer: I'm not a bad guy. I work hard and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to hell?
God: Hmm, you have a good point there. Sometimes, even I would rather be watching football. Does St. Louis still have a team?
Homer: No, they moved to Phoenix.
God: Oh, yeah.
Homer: You know what I really hate about church? Those boring sermons.
God: I couldn't agree more, that Reverend Lovejoy really displeases me. I think I'll give him a canker sore.
Homer: Give him one for me.
God: I will.
Homer: So I figure I should just try to live right and worship you in my own way.
God: Homer, it's a deal. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to appear in a tortilla in Mexico.

[After Homer's friends save him from his burning house.]
Homer: The Lord is vengeful! [falls to his knees] O Spiteful One! Show me who to smite, and they shall be smoten!
Ned: Homer, God didn't set your house on fire.
Reverend Lovejoy: No, but He was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they came to your aid, be they [points to Ned] Christian, [Krusty] Jew, or [Apu] ... miscellaneous.
Apu: Hindu! There are 700 million of us.
Reverend Lovejoy: Aw, that's super.
Homer: I was rude to every one of you. And you saved my life when you could've just left me to fry like the proverbial pancake that I am.
Marge: Aw, Homer! I'm so glad to hear you say that.

Lisa the Beauty Queen[edit]

Lisa: [despondent] I'm an ugmo!
Homer: Now, that's not true! You're as cute as a bug's ear.
Lisa: Fathers have to say that stuff. [Grampa walks by]
Homer: Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?
Grampa: No, you're homely as a mule's butt! [walks off]
Homer: There, see?

Kent Brockman: But it does seem the father of the deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson, filled out the pageant application incorrectly. In the area under "Do not write in this space," he wrote "Okay."
[Homer and Lisa watch at home.]
Homer: If it wasn't for me, you'd still be queen. You must hate me.
Lisa: Dad, do you remember why you entered me in that pageant?
Homer: I dunno. Was I drunk?
Lisa: Possibly. But the point is, you wanted me to feel better about myself. And I do.
Homer: Really?
Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: Will you remember this the next time I wreck your life?
Lisa: It's a deal.

Treehouse of Horror III[edit]

Homer: Do you sell toys?
Shopkeeper: We sell forbidden objects from places men dare to tread. We also sell frozen yogurt which I call frogurt.
Homer: Well, I need something for my son's birthday.
Shopkeeper: Ah, perhaps this will please the gentleman. [picks a Krusty the Clown doll] Take this object, but beware it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: [worried] Ooooh, that's bad.
Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free frogurt.
Homer: [relieved] That's good.
Shopkeeper: The frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: [worried] That's bad.
Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of topping.
Homer: [relieved] That's good.
Shopkeeper: The toppings contain potassium benzoate.
Homer: [stares]
Shopkeeper: That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?

Homer: [after seeing Barney Gumble gnawing on an arm] Barney! Not you too!
Barney: I'm not a zombie. But hey, when in Rome... [sees George Washington's zombie] Wow! George Washington!
Homer: Take that, Washington! [Shoots him, then sees Einstein's zombie, and shoots it too.] Eat lead, Einstein! [Sees Shakespeare's zombie] Show's over, Shakesphere! [hits him with the stomach with the edge of his gun]
Shakesphere: Is this the end of zombie Shakespeare? [dies]

Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie[edit]

Marge: Now, be good for Grampa while we're at the parent-teacher meeting. We'll bring back dinner.
Lisa: What are we gonna have?
Homer: Well that depends on what your teachers say. If both of you have been good, pizza. If you've been bad, um... let's see, poison.
Lisa: What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?
Bart: Poison pizza.
Homer: Oh no, I'm not making two stops.

Homer: Someday you'll thank me for this, son.
Bart: Not bloody likely.
Homer: No, it's true. When I was a boy, I wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed and hit my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage.
Bart: Dad, what's the point of this story?
Homer: I like stories.
Bart: Look, can I please go to the movie?
Homer: I know my punishment may seem a little harsh, but I can't go back on it. You're welcome to watch anything you want on TV.
Bart: TV sucks.
Homer: I know you're upset right now, so I'll pretend you didn't say that.

Marge Gets a Job[edit]

Mr. Burns: Marge, I'm giving you a raise and a new office, right next to mine. [laughs]
Smithers: But sir, that's my office.
Mr. Burns: Don't worry Smithers, I'm putting you where the action is.
[In the men's restroom, Smithers is cleaning the urinals with a toothbrush.]
Smithers: Springtime fresh, winter white. What could be better?
Homer: [bursts in and unzips his fly.] Aw man, I really gotta...
Smithers: NOOOOO!

Marge: So do you think I have a case?
Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, you're in luck. Your sexual harassment suit is just the thing I need to rebuild my shattered practice. [he produces a bottle from his desk] Care to join me in a belt of Scotch?
Marge: It's 9:30 in the morning.
Lionel Hutz: Yeah, but I haven't slept in days. [takes a generous swig] Last chance... [Homer and Marge don't respond. Hutz drains the bottle] Oh, yeah....

New Kid on the Block[edit]

[Bart and Lisa are fighting while Homer is on the phone with a babysitter.]
Homer: [to Bart and Lisa] Shut up, you little monsters!! [to the phone] I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels.
[On the other end of the line.]
Woman: I'm sorry, this isn't Abby. This is her sister. I look after her now.
[Abby rocks in her chair and mumbles quietly to herself.]
Abby: No, Bart... put it down... put it down, Bart... Bart, put it down.

Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, in your own words, please tell us what happened after you and your husband were ejected from the restaurant.
Marge: We pretty much went straight home.
Lionel Hutz: Remember, Mrs. Simpson, you're still under oath.
Marge: We drove around until 3:00 in the morning looking for another open all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant.
Lionel Hutz: And when you couldn't find any?
Marge: [crying] We went fishing!

Mr. Plow[edit]

(Homer totalled both cars. An insurance agent is looking over the loss)
Adjuster: Now before I give the check, one last question. Uh, this place Moe's, you left just before the accident, this is a business of some kind?
Homer's Brain: Don't tell him you were at a bar. (gasps) But what else is open at night?
Homer: It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography.

[During Mr. Plow Commercial]
Lisa: But I'm a real tight wad. Can I afford this remarkable system?
Homer: Absolutely. My prices are so low, you'll think I've suffered brain damage.
Bart: You are fully bonded and licensed by the city, aren't you Mr. Plow?
Homer: [Under Breath] Shut up boy.

Homer: [angry] Mr. West, you said there was a a job for me.
Adam West: There was. When I called you, [camera zooms in dramatically] 45 minutes ago.
Barney: So long, Superman, your secret identity is safe with me.

Kent Brockman: Hardest hit by the blizzard is Springfield's forbidding Widow's Peak. Our own Arnie Pye is on the scene.
Arnie Pye: [live remote, in a helicopter] Everything's snowed in, all I can see is white!
Kent Brockman: [impatiently] Arnie, please. The ski conditions.
Pye: [now upside-down] Mayday, mayday! I think I'm flying into a mountain! Tell my wife I love-- [picture fuzzes out]
Brockman: [chuckles] That's great, Arnie.

Lisa's First Word[edit]

Marge: Maggie, can you say ba-ba? Can you say mama?
Bart: Can you say get bent?
Marge: Bart!
Bart: Mister Rogers says it all the time!

[Krusty has just announced Krusty Burger's Olympic sweepstakes]
Krusty: Put a sock in it, preppy! How much are these free burgers gonna cost me?
Company Agent: Not to worry, Mr. K, we've rigged the cards; they're all in events that Communists never lose.
Krusty: [satisfied] I like, I like!
Aide: This just came in over the wires, Big K! [hands him a paper sheet]
Krusty: [reading] "Soviet boycott, U.S. unopposed in most events". How does this affect our giveaway?
Company Agent: Let's see. [punches numbers into a calculator] You personally stand to lose 44 million dollars. [Krusty sobs]

TV Announcer: Welcome back to this, the final day of the 23rd Olympiad, brought to you by Krusty Burger.
Krusty: [furious] You people are pigs!! [sobs] I personally am gonna spit in every 50th burger!
Homer: [surrounded by piles of free Krusty Burgers] I like those odds.

Homer's Triple Bypass[edit]

Mr. Burns: [about Homer's eating donuts] Look at that pig. Stuffing his face with donuts on my time! That's right, keep eating...Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poison donut! [cackles evilly, then stops abruptly] There is a poison one, isn't there Smithers?
Smithers:, sir. I discussed this with our lawyers and they consider it murder.
Mr. Burns: Damn their oily hides!

Marge: [answers the phone] Hello...Yes? Oh my Lord! Homer's in the hospital, they think it's his heart! [leaves]
Patty: Oh my God.
Selma: What?
Patty:': 5 cents off wax paper.
[Selma slaps her cheek in amazement]:

Bart: Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV generation.
Lisa: We feel neither highs or lows.
Homer: Really? What's it like?
Lisa: [shrugs] Meh.

Homer: Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?
Homer: He sold poison milk to school children.

Krusty: Hey hey! [goofy laugh]
[Homer grunts in pain; clutching his chest.]
Krusty: Hey, what's the matter? Oh, right. My grotesque appearence!
Homer: Krusty, why are you here?
Krusty: Eh, it's part of my public service for my "Glug-glug, vroom-vroom, thump-thump."
Homer: Well, I could use a laugh.
Krusty: Well, there's nothing funny about what you're about to go through. I know! [Takes off his shirt, revealing a pacemaker scar.] I'm in the zipper club myself! [Lights a cigarette.]
Homer: You seem pretty healthy.
Krusty: Yeah? Well I got news for ya: this ain't makeup!

Moe: Now let's have a minute of silent prayer for our good friend, Homer Simpson.
Barney: How long has it been?
Moe: 6 seconds.
Barney: Do we have to start over?
Moe: Hell no.

Marge vs. the Monorail[edit]

Lyle Lanley: I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum, it put them on the map. Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bonafide, electrified six-car monorail. What'd I say?
Ned: Monorail!
Lyle: What's it called?
Patty and Selma: Monorail.
Lyle: That's right, monorail! (the crowd starts chanting "monorail" as the song begins)
Ms. Hoover: I hear those things are awfully loud.
Lyle: It glides as softly as a cloud.
Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend?
Lyle: Not on your life, my Hindu friend.
Barney: What about us brain-dead slobs?
Lyle: You'll be given cushy jobs.
Abe Simpson: Were you sent here by the Devil?
Lyle: No, good sir, I'm on the level.
Chief Wiggum: The ring came off my pudding can.
Lyle: Take my pen knife, my good man. I swear it's Springfield's only choice. Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
All: Monoraaaaaaail! (Lyle: What's it called?) Monoraaaaaaail!! (Lyle: Once again!) Monoraaaaaaail!!!
Marge: But Main Street's still all cracked and broken.
Bart: Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken.
All: Monoraaaaaaail! Monoraaaaaaail!! Monoraaaaaaail!!! MONORAIL!
Homer: Mono... [realizes the song is over] D'oh!

Pilot: Folks, this is your captain speaking. Our nonstop flight to Tahiti will be making a brief layover in North Haverbrook.
Lyle: [sitting in first class, sipping a martini] North Haverbrook... where have I heard that name before? [realizes] Oh, no... OH, NO!
North Haverbrook Resident: [as the plane lands] There he is! Seat 3-F!

[as soon as the plane touches down, the townsfolk rush on board]

Marge: Homer! There's someone here who says he can help you.
Homer: Batman?!
Marge: No, he's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist!
Marge: It's not Batman!

Selma's Choice[edit]

Marge: The funeral is in Littleneck Falls. We'll have to go to Duff Gardens another time.
Lisa: We understand.
Bart: No use complaining about something you can't change.
Homer: But I wanna go to Duff Gardens. Right now!
Marge: Homer, quit pouting.
Homer: I'm not pouting. I'm mourning. Stupid dead woman.

Patty: I can't believe Auntie Gladys is really gone.
Selma: Her legend will live forever.
Homer's Brain: "Yeah. The legend of the dog-faced woman!"
Homer: Legend of the dog-faced woman! Oh, that's good!
Marge: Homer, that's very rude of you.
Homer: What-? D'oh!

Lionel Hutz: Hi, I'm Lionel Hutz, executor of Gladys Bouvier's estate. She left a video will, so I earn my fee simply by pressing this "Play" button. Pretty sweet, eh?
Aunt Gladys: I would like to begin by reading a passage from Robert Frost. "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and...[Homer fast-forwards the tape]
Marge: Homer!
Homer: All in favor of skipping the poem? [everyone but Marge raises their hands] Thank you. [continues fast-forwarding]

Hans Moleman: (reading an eye chart at the DMV and failing) R, Q, J, question mark? Smiley face?
(Selma stamps his driver's license 'VOID'):
Selma Bouvier: Next! Wait a minute-it says here you're single.
Hans Moleman: Did I do wrong?
Hans: Combed, biscuits, chicken, yellow, mailman.
Waitress: You're reading the wine list, sir.
Hans: Very good.

Abe Lincoln Robot: Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers brewed refreshing drink from hops and barley. [drinks his Duff and starts beatboxing] We-e-ll, I'm Rappin' A.B. and I'm here to say,if you want to drink beer, well Duff's the only way! I said the only way! Break down! [crushes a beer can on his head]

Brother from the Same Planet[edit]

[Bart's class is having Show and Tell]
Bart: Someday, I want to be an F-14 pilot like my hero, Tom. He lent me this new weapon called a neural disrupter.
[Bart demonstrates the sheer power of the neural disrupter by shooting it at Martin's forehead]
Martin: Hey...
[falls down on the ground, twitching]
Mrs. Krabappel: He's not dead, is he Bart?
Bart: Nah, but I wouldn't give him any homework for awhile.
Mrs. Krabappel: Very good, Bart. Thank you.
Bart: Oh, don't thank me. Thank an unprecedented eight-year military build-up.
Mrs. Krabappel: Mmm. Milhouse, you're next.
Milhouse: Uh, I have a horsey.
[mimics his toy horse neighing in a slurry way which then trails off]
Nelson: Wuss!

Pepi: Your son Bart sounds very bad.
Homer: Oh, he is.
[Fantasy sequence: Homer and Bart sit at the breakfast table.]
Homer: Son, I just want to say that I love you very much.
Bart: [picks up his grapefruit and hits Homer's face with it] Shut up!
[Back in reality.]
Homer: Mmmm.... grapefruit.

Kent Brockman: This just in, a fist-fight is in process in downtown Springfield. Initial reports indicate, and these are very preliminary, that one of the fighters is a giant lizard. [shot of Godzilla appears in the background.] Do we have a source on this? Uh-huh, a bunch of drunken frat boys. All right, we could use some names. "I.P Freely"-- [realizes] Uh... grrr!

I Love Lisa[edit]

Grampa: Bah, this is just another Hallmark holiday cooked up to sell cards.
Jasper: Aww... a Valentine from my daughter!
Grampa: Can I have the envelope?

Lisa: What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested?
Marge: Well, honey, I...
Homer: Let me handle this, Marge. I've heard them all: "I like you as a friend," "I think we should see other people," "I no speak English"...
Lisa: I get the idea.
Homer: "I'm married to the sea," "I don't want to kill you but I will"...
Marge: Honey! Lisa, I'd tell this boy that you're very flattered, but you're just not ready for this kind of thing.
Lisa: Thanks, Mom.
Homer: And if that doesn't work, six simple words: "I'm not gay, but I'll learn."

[Lisa opens a package from Ralph.]
Lisa: A Malibu Stacy convertible! [she finds a note from Ralph] "Look in the tunk." He must mean "trunk". [opens trunk] Two tickets to the Krusty Anniversary Show! Oh, he must want me to go with him.
Bart: That's not fair! I'm ten times the Krusty fan you are. I even have the Krusty Home Pregnancy test!
Lisa: I'm not sure if I should go. I don't even like him.
Bart: You're right, Lis. You shouldn't go. It wouldn't be honest. I'll go disguised as you.
Lisa: But what if he wants to hold hands?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he wants to kiss?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he wants to--
Bart: You don't want to know how far I'll go.

[showing Lisa his tape of the Krusty Anniversary Show, where Lisa rejected Ralph]:
Bart: Watch this, Lis. You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half.
[he advances the tape in slow motion]:
Bart: And... now!
[on the tape, Ralph gives a little whimper; Lisa groans]:

[Determined to avenge Ralph for being harshly spurned by Lisa, Chief Wiggum pulls Homer over.]
Homer: Is there a problem, officer?
Chief Wiggum: Yep. Got a tail-light out.
Homer: Where?
Wiggum: [smashes a tail-light] Right there.
Homer: [angrily] You know, one day, honest citizens are gonna stand up to you crooked cops!
Wiggum: [alarmed] They are? Oh no! Have they set a date?


[At the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.]
Otto: My name is Ot-to. I love to get blot-to.
Hans Moleman: My name is Hans. Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old.
Homer: My name is Homer and I'm just here because the court made me come.
Reverend Lovejoy: Homer, with our help you'll never touch a beer again. [Homer screams and jumps through the window.]

Homer: [singing] When I was 17, I drank some very good beer. I drank some very good beer, I purchased with a fake ID. My name was Brian McGee. I stayed up listening to Queen. When I was 17.

Milhouse: Behold gravity in all its glory!
[pushes a Slinky down an inclined 2-by-4. It goes one step, then it stops]
Edna: Pretty lame, Milhouse.

[Watching Ralph's "alcohol fueled car" science fair display.]
Homer: Hmm, alcohol fueled car....
[Within a daydream, Homer is fueling an alcohol fueled car at a gas station.]
Homer: One for you, [pumps fuel into car] one for me. [pumps fuel into his mouth] One for you, [pumps fuel into car] one for me. [pumps fuel into his mouth]

Last Exit to Springfield[edit]

Carl: Welcome, brothers of Local 643. As you know, our president, Chuckie Fitzhugh, ain't been seen lately. We're all prayin' he'll turn up soon, alive and well.
[everyone laughs]:
Carl: All right, all right. But seriously, we have to vote on Burns' new contract. It's basically the same deal, except we get a free keg of beer for our meetings.
[everyone cheers]:
Carl: In exchange for that, we have to give up our dental plan.
[Everyone cheers and rushes over to the beer keg. Lenny pours a beer]:
Lenny: So long, Dental Plan!
[Lenny's and Marge's words keep repeating in Homer's head]:
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
[Charlie drops a pencil into Homer's butt crack]:
Carl: Bullseye!
Homer: Thanks a lot, Carl. Now I've lost my train of thought.
[back to Homer's mind]:
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
Homer: [finally realizing] If we give up our dental plan... I'll have to pay for Lisa's

Mr. Burns: We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract.
Homer's Brain: Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?
Mr. Burns: And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
Homer's Brain: Wait a minute. Is he coming onto me?
Mr. Burns: I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?
Homer's Brain: My God! He is coming onto me!
Mr. Burns: After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows. (chuckles, winks)
Homer's Brain: Aaaaaagh!
Homer: Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no!

[Mr. Burns is taking Homer on a tour of his mansion.]
Mr. Burns: This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon, they will have written the greatest novel known to man. [reading] "It was the best of times, it was the 'blurst' of times"? You stupid monkey! [strikes the monkey, which screeches] Oh, shut up.

Grampa: We can't bust heads like we used to. But we have our ways. One trick is to tell stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for m'shoe. So I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Gimme five bees for a quarter," you'd say. Now where were we... oh yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have any white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...

Brockman: Tonight on Smartline, the power plant strike. Argle-bargle or fooforaw? With us tonight are plant owner C.M. Burns, union kingpin Homer Simpson, and talk-show mainstay Dr. Joyce Brothers.
Joyce Brothers: I brought my own mic.
Brockman: Yes. Well, Homer, organised labor has been called a "lumbering dinosaur".
Homer: AHH!!
Brockman: Uh... My director's telling me not to talk to you anymore.
Homer: WOO-HOO!!!
Brockman: Uh, Mr. Burns, you mentioned you want an opening tirade?
Mr. Burns: Yes, thank you, Kent. Fifteen minutes from now, I will wreak a terrible vengeance on this city! NO-ONE WILL BE SPARED!!! NO-ONE!!!!
Brockman: Heh-heh. A chilling vision of things to come.

So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show[edit]

[Homer begins to open the can of beer Bart had shaken up with a paint mixer.]
Bart: April F- [an explosion of beer blasts out of the windows and chimney of the Simpsons' house and takes the shape of a mushroom cloud]
[Lou and Chief Wiggum stop the police car.]
Lou: That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place.
Chief Wiggum: Forget it. That's two blocks away.
Lou: Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney.
Chief Wiggum: [gets out of the car] I am proceeding on foot. Call in a Code 8.
Lou: [into radio] We need pretzels. Repeat, pretzels.

Bart: Dad, it's all my fault. I shook up that can of beer. It was just an April Fools joke.
[Life support machine starts to change from showing Homer's life signs to outlines of Bart. His mouth begins to form a growl, his fingers twitch and his eyes slowly open in anger.]
Homer: Why, you little--!! [grabs Bart and proceeds to strangle him]

The Front[edit]

Bobby: First, the award for the alumnus who gained the most weight. Homer Simpson!
Homer Simpson: Oh, my God!
Bobby: How'd you do it, Homer?
Homer Simpson: I discovered a meal between breakfast and brunch.
Bobby: And now the award from most improved odor. Homer Simpson!
Homer Simpson: Yes!
Bobby: And First Whose new travel a least distance to be here. Well, kiss my grits, Homer Simpson!
Homer Simpson: What can I say? It hasn't been easy staying in my rut.
Principal Dondelinger: Ahem. Class of 74' I was just Uh... Leafing for your permanent records... that I discovered something a champion.

Lisa: That's as bad as the tasteless "Itchy & Sambo" cartoons of the late '30s. The writers should be ashamed of themselves.
Bart: Cartoons have writers?
Lisa: Eh, sort of.
Bart: Oh yeah? Well you and I could write a better cartoon than that.
Lisa: Write a cartoon ourselves? Bart, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Bart: Probably not. [in his mind, Bart is thinking about holding Santa Claus at gunpoint] Lie in the snow and count to 60. [Barts leaps into the sleigh and cracks the reins] Hiyah! [laughs evilly as he flies into the distance] Merry Christmas, suckers!

Whacking Day[edit]

[Bart and the bullies make their way to Utility Basement B looking for mountain bikes.]
Nelson: Hey, what gives? Where are the mountain bikes?
Principal Skinner: [appears] Sorry about the ruse, gentlemen. You're being swept under the rug for the superintendent's visit. Enjoy. [closes the door and locks them in]
Jimbo: How are we going to get out of here?
Nelson: And when are we going to get our mountain bikes?
Principal Skinner: [outside of the room] Would the world judge me harshly if I threw away the key?
Groundskeeper Willie: Nay, but the PTA would tear you a new arse.
Principal Skinner: Wise counsel, William, but the potty talk adds nothing.

[Springfield residents track down the snakes to the Simpson place, but Lisa wants a stop to the killing.]
Lisa: Now wait a minute! How could you do this to snakes after all they've done for you?
Grandpa: I'm an old man. I hate everything but Matlock. Ooh, it's on now.
Lisa: Mrs. Glick, who killed all the rats in your basement?
Mrs. Glick: Snake did.
Bart: And you love snakes, don't you Mr. White?
Barry White: I love the sexy slither of a lady snake. Oh baby.

Marge in Chains[edit]

Lionel Hutz: Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson, I-- Uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder.
Marge: Is that bad?
Lionel Hutz: Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog.
Marge: You did?
Lionel Hutz: Well, replace the word "kinda" with the word "repeatedly", and the word "dog" with "son."

Lionel Hutz: Your Honor, my client claims that she simply forgot she was carrying this bottle of [looks at bottle] delicious... bourbon... brownest of the brown liquors... [hugs bottle] so tempting... [puts the bottle to his ear] What's that? You want me to drink you? But I'm in the middle of a trial. Excuse me. [Hutz rushes out of courtroom to call his best friend] Hello, David? I'm really tempted!
Crosby: Just take it one day at a time, and know that I love you.
Lionel Hutz: I love you too, man.

Krusty Gets Kancelled[edit]

Krusty: Every time you watch my show, I'll send you $40! [holds up check to audience]
Man: [quick voice-over] Checks will not be honored.

Anthony Kiedis: You told our agent this place holds 30,000 people.
Moe: It does. We had 30,000 here last night. Now play. The audience is getting restless.
Barney: [flicking a lighter] We want chilly-willy. We want chilly-willy.
Bart: Hey, Red Hot Chilli Peppers, would you guys be interested in a Krusty the Clown comeback special?
Flea: Sure, if you can get us out of this gig.
Bart: No problemo. Hey, Moe! Look over there!
Moe: What? What am I looking at? I don't see anything. Gonna stop looking now! What, is that it...?
Homer: Hey, Moe, can I look too?
Moe: Sure, but it'll cost you.
Homer: My wallet's in the car!
Moe: [chuckles] He is so stupid. And now back to the wall!

Krusty the Clown: Now, Johnny, what you got for us? Some jokes? A little magic?
Johnny Carson: Actually, I thought I'd lift this 1987 Buick Skylark over my head.
[does so]:
Krusty the Clown: Hi-yo! Johnny, that's amazing!
Johnny Carson: Oh, yeah? Get a load of this.
[He juggles the car over his head, while singing opera]: