Family Guy/Season 12

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Family Guy: Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22

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Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was canceled in 2002, but after a positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

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Finders Keepers

[a group stands graveside]

Quagmire: We're supposed to dig this kid up. Any volunteers?

Herbert: [in mining gear] I dig kids.

---

Lois: Oh, look who's back; the grave robber.

Peter: Hey, Lois.

Lois: So, what happened? Did you find your treasure?

Peter: No, I realized something after you left; It's not the treasure that matters. All that matters is the money you get in exchange for the treasure. I guess I had to learn that the hard way.

Vestigial Peter

Chip: Her voice! It's like God sneezing!

---

Teacher at a PTA meeting: So, in short; your kids are all doing great. Keep reading to them every night and I think we're going to have a great year. So, unless there are any questions, thank you all for coming.

Cheetah: Eh, yeah... I noticed the hot lunch menu doesn't feature any gazelle.

[all the parents sigh]

Teacher: I'll bring that up to the board.

Cheetah: Yeah, see... I-I heard that last year and [laughing] he-h-here we are again.

Quagmire's Quagmire

[Peter and Joe pound on the door of a storage unit while searching for Quagmire]

Joe: Quagmire, are you in there?!

[muffled sounds from Quagmire are heard]

Peter: Oh, he's eating. [shouts at the door] We'll come back when you're done eating!

---

Ida: Okay, you guys. Where should we start looking for Glenn?

Peter: Well, sometimes Quagmire likes to hang out under all the clutter in my garage, so why don't we start sorting stuff and throwing stuff away, but check with me before you throw stuff away?

A Fistful of Meg

TV Announcer: We now return to Captain Central America.

[Two scientists are watching a transformation chamber activate, the chamber opens up and out comes a Hispanic man]

Scientist: It worked! [takes a lid off a trash can and hands it to the Hispanic man]

Hispanic Man: Gracias. What are my powers?

Scientist: Oh yeah, it's weird. [pulls a paint roller out of the trash can] You're like, really good at painting my living room. [gives the paint roller to the Hispanic man] Up, up, and get it done by Saturday! We're having a party.

---

Mailman: [after Brian opens the door] Brian Griffin?

Brian: Uh, yeah, that's me.

Mailman: [gives the package to Brian] Here you go.

[Brian takes off the tape and opens the package]

Brian: [sees something terrible in the package, it's revealed to be Peter's penis he cut off] Aah! Oh, God!

Peter: [laughs] What's in the box, Brian? I got you good! [Blood is coming out and comes to Peter's pants] I don't feel right. I want it back. [Collapses]

Boopa-dee Bappa-dee

[the morning after sex in Italy]

Lois: Last night was the best sex I ever had.

Peter: Me too. We haven't done it like that since we were engaged, but allowed to sleep with other people.

Lois: What are you talking about?

---

[Peter barges it to tell the kids about staying in Italy]

Peter: Kids, I've got an announcement...

Stewie: [sitting near the hem of Peter's robe on the floor] He's wearing a rubber.

Peter: We're staying in Italy. We're Italian now.

Brian: What?!

Meg: Are you kidding?

Stewie: Well, if we're going to be Italian, I guess we should start murdering our brothers.

[slips behind Chris with a garrote and proceeds to strangle him]

Chris: What are you... [starts to choke and struggle]

Stewie: [in an Italian-accented whisper] You break-a my heart, Chris. You break-a my heart.

Life of Brian

Stewie: [sees a car heading towards Brian] Brian, look out! [the car runs over Brian, breaking the hockey stick, and the toy net in the process] Aah, Brian! [runs to him]

Meg: [runs out of the house with Peter, Chris, and Meg and saw Brian hurt] Oh, my God! [runs to him] Brian! Brian, can you hear me?!

Peter: Holy crap! What the hell happened?!

Squirrel: [runs to Brian, kicks his head, and spits] That guy sucked! [runs away]

---

Brian: Damn it, Stewie! What the hell did you do?!

Stewie: I know, I know, I messed up.

Brian: [Mocks] "I messed up!" [Normal voice] You went back to 17th-century Jamestown and you gave guns to the Indians. And now they're running everything!

Stewie: I said I messed up, all right?! I guess I just have this pathological need to be liked.

Brian: Well, it's not a good trait.

Stewie: Oh, come on. Don't say that. Let me buy you lunch.

Brian: Thanks to you, the Indians killed all the white people and took over America! I mean, you're the one who's always saying "never alter the past".

Stewie: Oh, come on, Brian, let's be honest. I frequently alter the past.

[Cutaway to Jesus and the 12 apostles. Jesus is reading a paper]

Jesus: All right, so, I guess we'll split the bill 13 ways?

Stewie: Hey, Judas, he ordered like 5 margaritas. All you had was a salad.

Into Harmony's Way

Stewie: Meg, could you zip up your fly? That's kind of wafting over here.

---

Peter: Quagmire? I thought you were still out on the road!

Quagmire: I was, but what was Simon without Garfunkel?

Peter: Wildly successful?

Christmas Guy

Stewie: [comes from the future and sees Brian on the street. He sees the car heading right for him and runs to him] Brian, look out! [pushes him out of the way, letting the hockey stick and toy net get broken by the car]

Brian: What the hell?

Stewie: You're alive, my friend! [hugs him]

Brian: What? Of course, I'm alive. What the hell is going on here?

Stewie: Brian, [points at the car] that car killed you, and when it did, a little part of me died as well. I couldn't live without you, so I came back from the future to save your life.

Brian: Wait a minute. What are you talking about? I saw you destroy your time machine.

Stewie: Yes, but luckily, I ran into another me from the past, so I stole his return pad and came back here. Oh, that reminds me. I better send this back to where it came from.

---

Brian: Wow, Stewie, thank you for saving my life! Y'know, a whole lot of other families would've just gotten another dog and moved on.

Stewie: Oh, oh, w...we could, we could never do something like that, Brian! [starts to fade away]

Brian: Stewie, wh-what's happening to you?

Stewie: [looks at himself] I think...my timeline has been erased! The timeline where you died no longer exists! Merry Christmas, Brian. [finally fades away]

Peter Problems

[on Lois being hired at the grocery store]

Lois: You know you've made it when you've got a teenage boss.

---

[Peter is reluctant to see Dr. Hartman about his impotence, stating he is embarrassed]

Dr. Hartman : This shouldn't embarrass you, the size should embarrass you.

Grimm Job

Stewie: Jack and the Beanstalk. And that title could be a fairy tale or porn.

---

[after the woodsman kills the wolf with a chainsaw]

Little Red Riding Hood/Stewie: You know, I'm not sure if that's our hero, or just a lunatic going house-to-house murdering people.

The First Little Pig/Jaden: He kinda looks like Jason.

Brian's a Bad Father

Peter: Now this is a gun without safety.

[Peter shoots Quagmire, who screams in pain]

Peter: Quite the difference, huh?

Quagmire: DAMN IT, PETER, YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU SHOT ME!

Joe: Oh, my God! Peter, that must be the dumbest thing you've ever done!

Peter: No. The dumbest I ever did was open that can of whup-ass.

[Cutaway to Peter opening said can. An arm pops out and repeatedly punches Peter in the face]

Peter: Lois, why did you buy this?!

Lois: It was on sale.

---

Peter: All right, Quagmire, I have given this a lot of thought. I need you to shoot me in the arm and we can be friends again.

Quagmire: Okay.

Peter: [after realizing what he just told Quagmire] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no, I was supposed to offer, and then you were supposed to say, "No, Peter, I'm not gonna shoot you, although I do appreciate the gesture."

Quagmire: You better hand me the gun, Peter.

Peter: I, erm...I passed the test?

Quagmire: No, Peter. I'm gonna shoot you like a dirty animal.

Peter: But, but just the fact that I would make the offer is so meaningful to you...

Quagmire: Your offer means nothing, Peter. The only thing that means anything to me is a bullet in your arm. Now give me that!

Peter: Stop! Stop! Quagmire, let go!

Quagmire: Come on! You're not leaving here without being shot!

Peter: Look, I was trying to do the decent thing, like you'd see in a movie!

Quagmire: I'm putting that bullet in your arm, Peter!

Peter: Ah! Son of a bitch!

Joe: It's over. We're all friends again.

Peter: What the hell, Joe?!

Joe: I'm just trying to settle this nonsense.

Quagmire: Nothing got settled!

Mom's the Word

[during a meeting at the Pawtucket Brewery]

Angela: So as you can see, our output is up 1 1/2%. That's not net, I'm talking gross.

Lois: [under his breath] You do everything gross.

3 Acts of God

Quagmire: C'mon, guys! It's game time!

Peter: Alright! This is the greatest Sunday tradition ever...except for getting all my cutaway gags ready for the week. [cutaway to Peter in the Griffins' living room with various other characters for potential upcoming cutaway gags] Okay, my Great-Uncle Wears-A-Ski-Hat-All-The-Time Griffin will be followed by Nick Nolte's handkerchief, followed by Japanese Abe Lincoln, and then Monkey Rabbi. Hey, where's the Monkey Rabbi? [the Monkey Rabbi walks into the room] Here's your Torah, you'll be here on Tuesday at 9:00. Check in with Shirley.

Darth Vader: You gonna need me this week?

Peter: Uh, maybe. Maybe Friday. Uh, now where are the gays?

Gay Man: Over here.

Peter: No, no, no. The cartoony gay guys.

Cartoony Gay Guy: Yoooo-hoooooo!!!

Peter: There you are, we're gonna need you guys all week.

---

Cleveland: Hey, Death. What are you doing here?

Death: Actually, I'm...here for your show.

Cleveland: Ah, come on, man. I'm on vacation!

Fresh Heir

[Peter checks up on his hairless twin brother]

Peter's Twin: Close the door! The moonlight burns!

Peter: It's almost Christmas. It's almost Christmas.

Peter's Twin: Christmas?

Peter: Yes. Keep being good, and all the eggshells and coffee grounds will be yours.

Peter's Twin: Can I meet the family?

Peter: You've overstepped! No Christmas!

---

Carter: [about his broken leg] The worst part about it is I can't have sex! God, I wish there was a way I could just do it myself, you know, just to be done and napping within four minutes.

Chris: Let me show you something...

[time lapse. Carter looks relaxed]

Carter: That... was... amazing! And Lynda Carter wasn't here?

Chris: No, that was just in your mind!

Carter: Incredible! So you can do that, like what, once a year or something?

Chris: No, you can do it basically whenever you're not doing something else.

Carter: Cool! Hey, next time I wanna try it with my hand.

Secondhand Spoke

[Stewie criticizes Brian's texting and driving]

Stewie: That was a stroller, not a speedbump.

---

Chris: What if I said "Hey there, shorty!"?

Stewie: I'd say "Have another donut, you albino gorilla."

Herpe the Love Sore

[Peter receives a package that's addressed to Quagmire]

Peter: Huh, it says "Glenn Quagmire". But if you squint and imagine it says "Peter Griffin", it says "Peter Griffin".

Lois: Peter, it's Quagmire's. Take it next door.

Peter: Now, now, hold on, Lois. Now, this poses a very difficult ethical dilemma. Do I deliver the package to its rightful owner? Or do I open it up and see if it contains He-Mans?

Lois: Do not open that box!

---

Peter: Wow. I haven't felt this powerful since I got to decide which ant lives and which ant dies.

[in a cutaway, Peter is doing a game called "God With Ants"]

Peter: You shall battle to the death, and the winner will be given his freedom! Why are you looking at me like that?

Lois: Peter, would you like a glass of-- [sees a decapitated Peter with a bloodied neck] OH, MY GOD! I TOLD YOU NOT TO PLAY GOD WITH THOSE ANTS!

The Most Interesting Man in the World

[the family greets Peter after he has refined himself]

Chris: How were all your business trips?

Peter: Oh, exemplary, Chris.

Chris: I don't understand what either of those words means.

Stewie: One of them was "Chris."

---

Lois: What's wrong with you, Peter?!

Peter: Lois, I'm sorry.

Lois: How the hell can you possibly mistake another baby for Stewie?!

Peter: Now, calm down, Lois. You're gonna say something you don't mean.

Lois: [Angry] Oh no, I'm not! You're an idiot!

Peter: [Hurt] You don't mean that...

Stewie: [Stewie looks at Facebook on his phone] I already got a Facebook friend request from the Dad. Is that weird?

Lois: Peter, I have put up with your nonsense for 20 years, but today, you crossed the line! You left a helpless baby in the public park, and that's something only an idiot would do!

[Lois storms off with Stewie leaving Peter upset]

Peter: I'm not an idiot!

[There's a knock on the door and Peter opens it to find a man with one eye]

One-eyed Man: Hey, I think there was a mix-up at the park. [he gives Peter his eye back]

Baby Got Black

[Chris receives a steamy goodbye kiss from Pam at a restaurant in front of the lobster tank]

Lobster: Hey, Chris...these [clacks its claws] on her nipples. Ha, ha, ha.

Chris: [to a passing waiter] Kill that one.

Meg Stinks!

[after Stewie has been arrested for showing his penis at Mardi Gras]

Stewie: The rules of this city are very unclear.

---

Meg: Dad, I'm sorry to tell you this, but I can't go with you.

Peter: Are you sure?

Meg: I just got off the phone with Green Mountain College, and they said they'll let me reschedule my interview, so I'm going to drive back up there. It's time for me to get serious about my life, and start taking some responsibility.

He's Bla-ack!

Cleveland: Wassup?! [The Cleveland Show theme music plays as Cleveland approaches the guys]

Peter: [normally] Oh, hey, Cleveland!

Joe: Hi!

Quagmire: Wait, don't you have a show to do...[chuckles] Oh wait, that's right!

Cleveland: Alright, I knew this was comin'! Everybody, gimme your best shot!

Quagmire: Oh, my G - where do I even begin? You know, it's not a good sign that this is the first time a lot of people are realizing you had a show!

Joe: Your logo was stupid. Looked like a big purple penis and your ratings blew.

Cleveland: We did about the same as Bob's Burgers.

Quagmire: That's your bar?! Oh, shame on you!

Cleveland: This is good. This is constructive.

Quagmire: The talking bear was so bad, Seth MacFarlene quit voicing him after Season 2.

Cleveland: It's hard to make a talkin' bear funny.

Quagmire: [laughs] It worked out okay in movie form!

Joe: What was supposed to be the show's audience? Who did you make it for? Like, some black guy who never met another black guy?

Cleveland: Anything else?

Peter: Yeah, here's four seasons' worth of DVDs of what we've been up to. You know, just so you're back up to speed. And I'll warn ya ahead of time - these have jokes in 'em.

Cleveland: I...I don't have a DVD player.

---

Rallo: S'up, man?

Stewie: Yeah, yeah, "s'up?" Keep walking, you Boondocks ripoff!

Chap Stewie

Peter and Chris: Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga!

Stewie: What is that? What's happening?

Peter and Chris: [carrying mattresses] Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga!

Brian: Peter, what are you doing?

Peter: Playing "Unga-Bunga". It's the championship.

Stewie: Go away! This is why Zillow estimates our house at $4.00.

Brian: What the hell is "Unga-Bunga"?

Peter: Two guys run into each other with mattresses and, um, that's kinda it.

Chris: Stop explaining it to the dog! Let's do this!

[Chris and Peter run into each other with mattresses]

Stewie: Stop it! I'm trying to watch my program!

Peter: Whoa, Chris, look! Mom's naked!

Chris: Where?

Peter: [whacks Chris with his mattress] You creep.

[Chris crashes into the TV and breaks it, much to Stewie's dismay and horror]

Stewie: [gasp] No!

Lois: Peter, what's going on in...

Peter: [whacks Lois with his mattress] Unga-Bunga!

Stewie: You... You imbeciles! You've ruined my night! I asked for one thing in this house!

Brian: Stewie, just watch your show upstairs.

Stewie: I don't want to watch it upstairs on the small TV, I want to watch it downstairs on the big TV! [his face turns red with anger as he starts crying] I WANNA WATCH MY SHOW! [cries, throws himself on the ground and starts throwing his tantrum]

Lois: Oh no, Stewie's havin' a tantrum. Come here, sweetie. [Stewie bites her thumb] OW! Screw you, ya little turd!

[Stewie throws a photo right at the door and it crashes]

Meg: [enters the living room] What's all that noise? [sees Stewie upset] Aw, do you want a hug from your big sister? [picks Stewie up and is headbutted] OW!

---

[Stewie is on the stairs watching Peter and Lois arguing downstairs]

Peter: Lois, what the hell did you do?! I just got a note from Goodwill thanking me for donating all my porn!

Lois: WHAT?! I'm sick and tired of you blaming me for things I didn't do! And I've got a bone to pick with you! I don't appreciate how you spray-painted "vile woman" on the bedroom wall.

Peter: That wasn't me! It must've been one of the kids!

Lois: That's ridiculous, Peter! Chris can't write, and we don't allow Meg upstairs!

[In a cutaway, Meg is stuck in the basement, and she scratches the door]

Peter: Well, you know what? I'm starting to think whoever wrote that is right!

Lois: Well, maybe I don't wanna live with someone who doesn't respect me!

Peter: Well then, maybe I should just leave!

Lois: And where are you gonna go?! You got nothing else and nobody else!