The Batman

The Batman (2004-2008) is an animated television series produced by Warner Bros. Animation based on the DC Comics superhero Batman that aired in the Saturday morning television block Kids' WB. Although the series borrows many elements from previous Batman storylines, it does not follow the continuity set by the comic books, the film series, nor that of Batman: The Animated Series and its spin-offs.

Season 1

The Bat in the Belfry [1.01]

Joker: Takes after his pa, wouldn't you say?

[Batman comes face-to-face with Joker, a clown with white skin, green hair and a huge red grin on his face]

Batman: What did you do to him?

Joker: Just some laughing gas, drag. Don't tell me you're not an inmate. [jumps down] What rational being dresses like you?! Speaking of threads, think this is a good look for me?

Batman: Who are you?

Joker: Joker.

Batman: Not what. Who?

[Batman places one hand on Joker's face. There is no sign of white paint on his hand]

Joker: Smear-free. It's "perma-clown"! Ooh, tough crowd. Look. Nothing up my sleeves. Ha, ha. [reveals a weapon] Nothing that won't put a smile on your face. Say cheese! [Batman throws a batarang, which knocks Joker's weapon out of his hand] I'm out of gas.

Batman: And I'm out of patience!

[Batman punches Joker]

Joker: You really know how to spoil a coming-out party. How do you expect me to spread mirth and whimsy without a proper hideout?!

Batman: Listen, Joker, you're sick. You need help.

Joker: Well, maybe I am a little off. [kicks Batman] But what are you gonna do? Lock me in the loony bin? I'm already here!

---

Joker: Stop me if you've heard this one, Batman. There were these two fellows in an abandoned party favor factory. One says to the other--

Batman: Where are you keeping the gas, Joker?

Joker: You call that a punchline?

Batman: I don't share your sense of humor.

Joker: Yet we're linked, you and I. Like comedy and tragedy. Two sides, same coin.

Batman: The gas, Joker! Or I vow I will turn your smile upside down.

Joker: If it's gas you want... [He throws a playing card at a brown bag, which falls to the stage floor. Batman dodges it in time] Place all tray tables in their upright positions! [Joker laughs maniacally as his balloon takes off]

Traction [1.02]

Bane: The Batman, I presume?

Batman: The masked look must really be catching on.

Bane: Defeat me, and I will allow you to remove it.

Batman: Hate to disappoint, but I don't fight for sport.

Bane: Then fight for your life!

[The two exchange blows]

Batman: Talk to me. You can start with name and motive.

Bane: I am Bane, the last opponent you will ever face.

---

Crime Boss 1: Eh, what's this I hear about the cops combing the hospitals looking for the Batman?

Crime Boss 2: I thought this guy was supposed to solve our problems.

Bane: If I did not break all the Batman's bones, I guarantee you, I broke his spirit!

Call of the Cobblepot [1.03]

Penguin: Well, well, well - come to help with the dusting, Jeevesy?

Alfred Pennyworth: Actually, I just popped in to reclaim some missing property.

Penguin: Fine, you can use it to serve me more of those shrimp puffs.

Alfred Pennyworth: The days of Pennyworths serving Cobblepots are long since over!

Penguin: Huh? You're a Pennyworth?

Alfred Pennyworth: And the only thing keeping me from walloping you soundly is the shame that the news of the incident would bring upon my Master Bruce.

Penguin: Wayne, shmayne. The good old days when Cobblepots were king are coming back, 'cause I'm gonna restore the Cobblepot name to its former wealth and glory!

Alfred Pennyworth: Hmm. If you intend to do so by pilfering, it may take a while.

Penguin: Not as long as you think, old man. [points at the pile of riches stolen by his birds]

---

Ethan Bennett: In some ways, man, I'm glad freaks like this Penguin bring out the Batman.

Bruce Wayne: Hopefully, it's not the Batman who brings out the freaks.

The Man Who Would Be Bat [1.04]

Bruce Wayne: Quite a scrapbook for someone who's never paid attention to the Batman.

Dr. Kirk Langstrom: Oh, don't trouble yourself, Mr. Wayne. A pompous pretty-boy like you could never understand my work.

Bruce Wayne: Try me, doctor.

Dr. Kirk Langstrom: I want to be like the Batman.

Bruce Wayne: You want to be a crimefighter?

Dr. Kirk Langstrom: No, Mr. Wayne, I want to be feared. You've forced me to accelerate my testing schedule. It's a pity that the Batman himself can't be here to witness... [drinks the serum] the birth of Man-Bat!

---

Dr. Kirk Langstrom: I knew you'd come calling, Batman. So tell me - who's the better bat?

Batman: This has to end now, before you start feeding on humans.

Dr. Kirk Langstrom: Oh, but I'm so close to my goal! Two more doses of my formula, and the Man-Bat will rule the night forever!

The Big Chill [1.05]

Mr. Freeze: [explaining his transformation] I was electrocuted. At the same instant, the blood froze in my veins. Was I still among the living? Presumably, the experts would determine that, but I made their job easy for them. My body had mutated. Neither living nor dead. I was a walking cryonic miracle, though some might consider me a monstrosity. It didn't take much for me to motivate an expert in the field to produce a suit to contain my frosty disposition... until I so choose to disperse it.

---

Mr. Freeze: You're finished, Batman. I'm king of the mountain! The new emperor of Gotham! So get used to the weather.

Batman: No, Freeze. This is my mountain.

The Cat and the Bat [1.06]

[On the TV]

Robinson Sprang: So, would you say the idea of a Batman/Catwoman link wasn't so farfetched after all?

Ellen Yin: Yes, it's clear now that they work together to take down Katsu... as a vigilante team.

[Bruce groans]

Alfred Pennyworth: Not quite what I had in mind when I encouraged you to meet women who share your interests, Master Bruce. But it's a start.

Batman: If Catwoman were somehow, some way able to trace the signal back here-

Alfred Pennyworth: We would have to rename it "The Catcave."

The Big Heat [1.07]

Mayor Grange: [chuckles] Don't let that photograph fool you, Bruce. I may be holding that fish, but your father caught it.

Bruce Wayne: Dad always did subscribe to charity, Mayor Grange.

---

Batman: Firefly.

Firefly: Batman. [laughs] I see you survived your crack-up.

Batman: I know about GothCorp.

Firefly: What? That a rock band or something?

Batman: For someone who gets his kicks scorching tech companies, hard to believe you've never heard of them.

[Firefly tries to blast Batman, who knocks his laser gauntlet awry with a Batarang]

Batman: You're done, Firefly. Cooked.

Firefly: Says who? [laughs, salutes and flies outside] No one touches me in the sky!

[Batman activates his jetpack]

Firefly: What?

Batman: This time, I brought the heat.

Q & A [1.08]

Herbert Ziegler: Who are you?

Cluemaster: The man you cheated! [He reveals his face, but there is a long silence as the victims are puzzled] Arthur Brown, from the show!

---

Cluemaster: Bonus round! Stump Cluemaster and they go free!

Batman: Well, that doesn't seem fair. Is there anything the great Arthur Brown doesn't know?

Cluemaster: You'll find out.

Batman: What can I ask you about?

Cluemaster: Anything!

Batman: No topic is off-limits?

Cluemaster: History, science, literature...

Batman: Music? Biology? Current events?

Cluemaster: Anything! Let's go already!

Batman: Okay. Name the true identity of... the Batman.

Cluemaster: Trick question! Ask another!

Batman: You said I could ask anything.

Cluemaster: NO FAIR!

The Big Dummy [1.09]

Alfred Pennyworth: The young man you were expecting apologizes. He won't be able to attend, I'm afraid.

Becky: Let me guess. He's married.

Alfred Pennyworth: To his work.

---

Ventriloquist: Only one heist away from retirement and the clean, honest work of a cowboy.

Batman: You know... Gotham Penitentiary has a thriving retirement community.

Topsy Turvy [1.10]

The Joker: [mutters to himself in his cell, until Batman appears] The Batman! What if I hadn't been decent?

Batman: You're never decent, Joker. Why bother adding a stand-in to your card collection instead of me?

The Joker: [Laughs] To drive you batty, of course. And look, it's working.

Batman: [Grabs Joker] Answers, Joker.

The Joker: Do you really think I'd send a flunky to eliminate my favorite sparring partner? I reserve that pleasure for me alone.

Batman: Then why -

The Joker: Because I miss your company, Batman. [Batman pushes Joker aside] We're two sides of the same card. After all, you knew where I'd send my look-a-like to find you. And I knew all along that if I left a trail of breadcrumbs, you'd gobble them up!

Batman: Joker, you're not making sense. Why convince an orderly to do your dirty work when you could just have him unlock your cell?

The Joker: Because you've always been my ace, Batman. My ace in the hole! [Laughs and pulls out two sticks and plays a tune with no notes]

Batman: What?

[Joker blows out green Joker gas at Batman's face, causing him to collapse]

The Joker: [Cackles] I don't need you in my card collection. I never play with a full deck! [Laughs]

Joker: Welcome to Joker's revenge-o-rama! Introducing my first guest, [unveils Wigzell] Judge Horace Wigzell! He's such a card! [presses button, canned laughter plays] Now, why are you here? [in Southern accent] Because y'all done me wrong! [to the Judge] Wigzy, you sentenced me to life in the loony bin! [to Yin and Bennett] Detectives, you arrested me; Shame on you! [to Bagley] Bagley, how many times have I told you, I hate macaroni and cheese! Oh, how I've wanted to deck you all, and deck you I shall! [knocks Wigzell into the river] Go fish! [presses button, canned applause plays]

Bird of Prey [1.11]

Alfred Pennyworth: What has Master Bruce ever done to you?

The Penguin: Oh, nothing. Nothing really. Except own everything that should rightfully belong to me! I am from noble blood! The Cobblepots were once the toast of society! I am a Cobblepot!

---

Mel Bramwell: Get it all?

Cameraman: I hope so. It's a dark night.

Mel Bramwell: 'The Dark Knight'. Now that has a ring to it...

The Rubberface of Comedy [1.12]

Chief Angel Rojas: He made you look like clowns. Six months ago, Gotham had the lowest crime rate in the nation. Yesterday, we were declared the world's scariest city! And that was before Joker's latest escapade.

Gotham P.D. Member 1: But, chief, most of the guys on that board are in prison now, or Arkham.

Chief Angel Rojas: And who received credit for those busts? You? Or you, Yin? I know it wasn't you, Bennett. So tell me, who?

Gotham P.D. Member 2: Well, the Batman, I guess.

Chief Angel Rojas: That's right. The Batman. Well, I'm tired of clowns and vigilantes turning my department into a laughing stock. So say hello to my new zero-tolerance policy against all these freaks. No exceptions. And, for starters, I want Gotham's finest to take down Joker before the Batman does. Capeesh?

Detective Ethan Bennett: Chief Rojas, I'm going out on a limb here, but I've been thinking maybe we'd have more success if we tried working with Bats.

Chief Angel Rojas: Working with the Batman? Maybe you could wear spandex and be the Bat's sidekick! You'd better figure out where your loyalties lie, Detective, and fast!

---

Joker: Ah, detective, my therapy worked! It seems you and I finally share the same sense of humour!

[Bennett breaks off his laughter, trying to look calm]

Detective Ellen Yin: [aiming at the Joker] Don't fool yourself, Joker. Bennett plays for my team.

Detective Ethan Bennett: Yin?

Joker: The yin to his yang. [aims his "Joker Putty" gun at Bennett] Drop it! Or laughing boy gets it! You don't know what this stuff does to humans!

[Looking worried for Bennett, Yin drops her weapon]

Joker: For that matter, neither do I. Let's find out! [aims at Bennett again]

Detective Ellen Yin: NO!

Clayface of Tragedy [1.13]

Clayface: Come on in, Batman. It's time to say our goodbyes to Chief Rojas.

Batman: Let him go.

Clayface: What, you don't approve, Bats? After all, to Rojas here, we're both on the wrong side of the law.

Batman: It doesn't matter what he thinks. It's the code you live by that matters. And you don't want to cross a line that you can't uncross.

Clayface: Maybe you haven't noticed, Bats, but my line's been crossed! For good!

Detective Ellen Yin: Ethan, no!

Clayface: [morphs into Ethan Bennett] It's not cool to reveal secret identities, Yin. [morphs into Yin] Not that it matters, [morphs into Bruce Wayne] when I can be anyone I choose, [morphs into Batman] and when I'm no longer sure what I am, [morphs into the Joker] except a freak! [laughs] You know what separates the freaks from the normals? Just one rotten day. Ever had a really rotten day, Batman? [morphs back into Clayface] Thought so.

Batman: Joker's rotten to the core by choice. A choice that's still yours to make, Detective.

Detective Ellen Yin: Turn yourself in, Ethan. We can help you.

Clayface: You don't get it, do you? Joker didn't just melt my skin - he melted my mind! I'm a freak, inside and out! And Chief Rojas has zero-tolerance for the likes of me!

---

[Batman tries to stop Clayface by switching on a shower]

Clayface: [laughs] Nice try, Bats, but the water pressure in this dump always did stink!

Detective Ellen Yin: Ethan, stop!

Clayface: Boys' locker room, Yin. You could get expelled for this.

Detective Ellen Yin: There's no blood on your hands yet. Please, Ethan - don't cross the line.

[After a moment of consideration, Clayface throws Batman across the room, then morphs back into Ethan Bennett]

Ethan Bennett: You, defending the Batman? I never thought I'd see the day. Yin... [tearing up] what's become of us?

---

Ellen Yin: [about Clayface] He could be anywhere.

Bruce Wayne: He could be anyone.

Season 2

The Cat, the Bat, and the Very Ugly [2.01]

Catwoman: Cats and birds are natural enemies, you know.

Penguin: Now, with enemies like you, cat chickie, who needs friends?

---

Catwoman: You read Ancient Egyptian?

Batman: The pictures help.

Riddled [2.02]

Ellen Yin: Riddler, you're a maniac!

Riddler: I prefer the term "Brainiac".

---

Ellen Yin: Four sides facing north. The house is at the South Pole, so it's a polar bear. The answer is "white." [Batman ignores the trap] Aren't you taking a risk?

Batman: There are no bears at the South Pole. This riddle has no answer.

Ellen Yin: Riddler cheated?

Batman: Riddler quit. He's through playing.

Fire & Ice [2.03]

Alfred Pennyworth: [to Bruce] Or perhaps it is just your way of seeking what the Batman cannot have: the approval of Gotham's finest. [Bruce gives Alfred a look, sarcastically] Yes, I'm fired, I know.

---

Ellen Yin: Wayne, I know your secret.

Bruce Wayne: Excuse me?

Ellen Yin: It's been quite an act. You really had me snowed.

Bruce Wayne: I don't know what you...

Bruce Wayne: [Sighs in relief] Boy, you've really got my number.

The Laughing Bat [2.04]

[The Joker, still dressed as Batman, finds two young girls drawing on a pavement in chalk]

Joker: Well, well, well. Graffiti! That's a pretty serious offense, girls. But that's why I became a crimefighter - to take out garbage like you!

[He leaps towards them, but Batman knocks him away]

Batman: The costume party's over, Joker.

Joker: Joker? Didn't you hear? The Clown Prince of Crime's checked out. He just couldn't take anymore. Couldn't take the Batman. Always there to thwart his latest scheme. Well, it was really starting to drive him mad! [Batman grabs Joker] But then Joker thought, if he couldn't beat the Bat, he'd be the Bat. [chuckles]

Batman: Think Gotham has one Batman too many.

Joker: Which means one of us has gotta go.

Batman: My thoughts exactly.

---

Penguin: Huh? Joker?!

Joker: I'm the Batman.

Penguin: You see, the thing is... you're not!

Joker: The eggs, Penguin, or I scramble you.

Penguin: Are you out of your gourd?! I'm in the middle of a heist! You don't see me barging in on your "gas all of Gotham" schemes, do you?! It is called professional courtesy!

Joker: Sorry, Pengy, but bringing down Gotham's second biggest criminal means my biggest bounty yet.

Penguin: "Second biggest"?! Says who?!

Swamped [2.05]

Batman: Croc's story. Spill it.

Thug: [coughs] He's... ex-military, I think. Mercenary type. Some think he's a genetic experiment, a crossbreed soldier or something. Others think he messed with the wrong kind of voodoo in the bayou. Me, I'm thinking circus freak.

Batman: Facts, not folktales!

---

Killer Croc: You sure got a lot of bloodhound in you, for a bat. What do you think? A dry little spot to catch my breath between heists.

Batman: And right beside the overflow pumps for Gotham's canal system.

Killer Croc: They were designed to drain the canals into the bay in case of flooding. But I did some thinking: if you reverse the pumps...

Batman: They draw water in from the bay, filling the canals, until they submerge any part of Gotham situated below sea level.

Killer Croc: Just about all of downtown, where the good shopping is.

Batman: Tens of thousands of lives could be lost.

Killer Croc: And I'll shed a crocodile tear for each and every one...

Pets [2.06]

[Ranting at his birds]

Penguin: What took you so long? You are late - again! [the crow caws at him] Zip it! I'm through with you birdbrains. [to the owl] You're not wise enough! [to the vulture] You eat too much meat! [to the crow] You are always crowing about something or other! And you, finch - don't get me started on you and your bird pies! [slams his fist down, then cringes as he realizes he touched a dropping] Oh! Indoors?! Eurgh! I have had it with you slobs! Well, you and your doo-doo are going the way of the dodo!

---

Dr. Kirk Langstrom: So that's the wretched device which controls me. Its frequency must have triggered my echolocation bat-hearing and reactivated dormant traces of the serum in my system, transforming me into Man-Bat!

Penguin: ...Yeah, whatever. So I just gotta flip this puppy on to turn nerd-guy back into Man-Bat?

Dr. Kirk Langstrom: I shall allow you to live, Penguin, if you hand it to me now.

Penguin: Hand what to you, huh, this? This?! [waves it at Langstrom mockingly and knocks him back with his umbrella, laughing]

Dr. Kirk Langstrom: Then be sure you never lose it. For the first opportunity I get, I shall clip your flightless wings.

Meltdown [2.07]

Batman: I'm not your enemy, Bennett.

Clayface: You're the only one I see standing between me and my freedom.

Batman: You have options.

Clayface: Like prison or Arkham? Hmm, I pick... eliminating witnesses!

Batman: That's the clay talking, Bennett!

Clayface: How do you know where Bennett ends and Clayface begins?!

---

Batman: Bennett, give up. It's not too late.

Ethan Bennett: [slowly transforming back into clay] Isn't it, Bats? Look, here's the problem as I see it. Being Ethan Bennett is hard, really hard. Being Clayface... is cake. So say your goodbyes. This is the last you'll ever see of him.

[His face melts into Clayface's before Batman and Yin's devastated eyes]

Clayface: Now step aside or I'll mash you both. [morphs his hand into a spiked weapon] Mash anyone who gets in my way!

Detective Ellen Yin: [sadly] Good to know. You just made this a whole lot easier.

[She throws one of Batman's freezing pellets at Clayface, who is too surprised to avoid absorbing it]

Clayface: Didn't expect that from you, Yin. I guess you do have... a new partner.

JTV [2.08]

Joker: Didn't we all learn an important lesson today? That's right, with a positive attitude and a smile, maybe, just maybe, we can all get along?

---

Joker: [during the "Telethon"] We've just received fifty dollars from: Grandma Shades! She says: "Please don't harm my grandson, I beg you". Human compassion at it's finest!

Ragdolls to Riches [2.09]

Ragdoll: Kitten's got claws.

Catwoman: [cracks her whip] Kitten's got a whip!

---

Selina Kyle: Who knew Gotham's wealthiest bachelor had such a grip.

Bruce Wayne: Yours is not as bad as yourself...err, your grip.

Selina Kyle: A firm handshake is a must in my life.

Bruce Wayne: And you are?

Selina Kyle: Selina Kyle.

The Butler Did It [2.10]

Alfred Pennyworth: After stealing from you twice and having a punch-up with the Batman, I should hope you'd have my head examined.

Bruce Wayne: Everything appears normal, Alfred.

Alfred Pennyworth: Then you and I were simply victims of hypnosis?

Bruce Wayne: Not "we". When the Batwave sounded, it jarred you and the other butlers from your trance. But my hallucinations continued. Hallucinations so powerful, they could only be the work of a Spellbinder.

Alfred Pennyworth: A Spellbinder, sir?

Bruce Wayne: During my studies in the Far East, I learned of a remote temple whose monks performed a particularly intense form of meditation, believed to lead to that which only few could achieve: the mystic power of the third eye. A state of awareness so pure or potent, one could project one's visions into reality.

Alfred Pennyworth: So our three-eyed scoundrel possesses an enlightened mind and a corrupted soul.

Bruce Wayne: If last night was only a rehearsal, I believe he's after a fourth eye.

Alfred Pennyworth: The Sarkana gemstone?

Bruce Wayne: And since Spellbinder somehow managed to implant you and the butlers with hypnotic suggestions, he'll no doubt trigger you three to steal it for him.

Alfred Pennyworth: Me, steal from charity?! You must lock me up at once!

---

Bruce Wayne: Well, it's no Arkham Asylum, but it should hold you.

Alfred Pennyworth: I shall be quite comfortable here, sir. Perhaps just some reading. And a spot of tea. Oh, and a telly! To view live auction coverage of the Batman trouncing thieving butlers, of course!

Bruce Wayne: [with a British accent] Right away, then, sir!

Grundy's Night [2.11]

Bruce Wayne: Any good costumes this round?

Alfred Pennyworth: If you consider Joker, Penguin, and Catwoman "good"...

Bruce Wayne: I guess it's more fun to be the bad guys.

---

Batman: Halloween's nearly over, "Grundy". Time to lose the mask. [tears off "Solomon Grundy"'s face, which turns into clay] Trick or treat... Clayface.

Clayface: Can't blame me for having some Halloween fun, can you, Bats?

Batman: Terrorizing the descendants and destroying their homes was your cover, but it was their money you were after.

Clayface: Leave them destitute, like the legend says.

Batman: No one would think of chasing after Grundy for the money. They'd have to dredge Gotham Swamp.

Clayface: And I'd be long gone with my loot, taking any face I wanted - alive, dead or non-existent.

Batman: Knew I couldn't lose a 500-pound zombie that easily.

Clayface: I may not have tricked you, Bats, but I'm still gonna collect my treats!

Strange Minds [2.12]

Professor Hugo Strange: I have developed a device that allows its user to tap directly into a patient's mind, like a two-way radio transmission.

Chief Angel Rojas: You gotta be kidding me.

Professor Hugo Strange: Hardly. The technology is untested, and therefore risky, but I am willing to volunteer.

Guard: What makes you so sure Joker will be willing to cooperate?

Joker: Another voice in my head? Well, the more, the merrier!

---

Professor Hugo Strange: The tears of a clown, the rage behind the leer. Tonight, I merely glimpsed Joker's peculiar form of madness. So many more roads to cross, before I can get to... [moves Joker's file to reveal one with Batman's picture on it] the other side.

Night and the City [2.13]

Joker: I proclaim this street "Rictus Row"!

Penguin: It's my 'hood, and it's "Penguinsburg"!

Riddler: I prefer the ring of "Enigma Avenue".

Penguin: Who are you?

Riddler: Call me... the Riddler.

Joker: "Riddler"? You stealing my shtick?!

Riddler: I do riddles. I don't tell jokes.

Penguin: Well, Gotham ain't big enough for the two of us, skinny, let alone three!

Riddler: Precisely why I propose we settle this with a wager.

Joker: What's the game?

Riddler: The first to capture and unmask our greatest common foe wins Gotham.

Joker: No matter who wins...

Penguin: The biggest loser is the Batman.

---

Chief Angel Rojas: Detective Yin aided and abetted a known criminal, resisted arrest, and fled police custody.

Commissioner Gordon: That's one way of looking at it. Here's another: Detective Yin helped to bring in Gotham's three most wanted. It seems to me this department has had its share of bad press lately. Do you think it is wise to arrest a hero?

Season 3

Batgirl Begins Part 1 [3.01]

[After possessed Batman starts attacking her]

Batgirl: Guess you were serious about not wanting a sidekick!

---

Poison Ivy: You're getting to be a real thorn in my side, Batman.

Batman: And you're no rose, Poison Ivy.

Batgirl Begins Part 2 [3.02]

Poison Ivy: What's up, Red?

Barbara: Pam?! What happened to you?

Poison Ivy: Just a fab makeover. Green is the new red. And I'm gonna use my powers to avenge crimes against nature. We can do it together, Red, the two of us. And I'm betting Chlorogene will listen to me this time.

Barbara: Hey, sounds great. Except for the fact that you're a plant.

Poison Ivy: Ivy, to be exact. Poison Ivy. [puts a flower in Barbara's hair] Think about it, Red.

---

Batman: Let me make myself clear: there's no room for a Batgirl in Gotham.

Batgirl: That's cool because it's Batwoman, as in, I'm a grown woman and don't need to listen to you.

Batman: Then, for your own safety, if you won't listen to me, I'm gonna have to tell your father, Miss Gordon.

Batgirl: Uh, you must have me confused with someone else. [Batman glares at her] Dude! You just broke the superhero secret identity code!

A Dark Knight to Remember [3.03]

Batgirl: Just tell me that one day I'll get to meet the man behind the bat.

Batman: Who says I'm a man?

---

Barbara Gordon: Muscles on his muscles, rich enough to finance all his gadgets... and a jawline I'd recognize anywhere! Oh, Brucie, you are so totally the Batman!

A Fistful of Felt [3.04]

Batman: You planted Scarface in Wesker's apartment. Why?

Professor Hugo Strange: I had to put my treatment to the test, Batman. You know, to see if the criminal mind can ever really be cured.

Batman: I don't approve of your methods, Professor Strange.

Professor Hugo Strange: Says the man who dresses like a bat.

Batman: I'll be watching you.

Brawn [3.06]

Joker: [after boosting his muscles with Venom] Hide your families, Gotham! Cause when Joker goes jumbo... [breaks a dumbbell over his knee] he'll snap your twigs!

Batgirl: [enters through the fleeing crowd] Whoa, big.

Joker: Batgirl? You're way dinkier than I expected. [swats her away into the side of the tent] Being a criminal genius just doesn't cut it these days. You need brawn to complement the brains! [smashes a beam, bringing the whole tent crashing down]

Batgirl: I think I'd better join a gym...

---

Joker: Oh, Batgirl, you stepped up to heavyweight class!

Batgirl: [inside the Batbot] Here goes nothing... [gains control] Yes!

Joker: How many rounds can you go with Sugar Ray Joker?

Batgirl: Let's find out.

Fleurs du Mal [3.08]

[While imprisoning Batman and Batgirl and creating copies of them]

Poison Ivy: I bred these darlings myself. They possess highly evolved replication characteristics. Nature's little mimics, I call them. What do you say we go turn the rest of Gotham into plant-peeps?

Plant-Batman: I'm up for it.

Plant-Batgirl: Let's party!

Poison Ivy: It'll be a snap. These pups are ultra fast-growing, with plenty of water. And with millions of seeds already planted in Gotham Park, I'm gonna just love watching my garden grow.

Thunder [3.10]

News Reporter: And now an update on tonight's election, as Gotham Mayor Grange defends his post against billionaire technologies mogul Maximilian Zeus, who earlier in the campaign, appeared poised to win.

Maximillian Zeus: You might say the classics inspire me. After all, the Greeks and the Romans proved that great societies rise through strong leadership.

News Reporter: But despite his popularity, Zeus began losing support when his campaign unveiled some... unusual ideas.

Maximillian Zeus: I shall remodel our city's ineffectual police department after my own private security force of Gladiators.

Commissioner James Gordon: [watching] Glad I didn't vote for him.

Barbara Gordon: You'd be sharp looking all "Spartacus", Pop.

---

Maximillian Zeus: If it isn't the gremlin. I will take the device.

[Batgirl holds the device out at length]

Maximillian Zeus: You wouldn't dare...!

[She drops it onto the floor so that it shatters]

Batgirl: [shrugging] It broke, Maxie!

Maximillian Zeus: [enraged] Then I shall break YOU! [blasts thunderbolts at her] And the name is Maximillian.

The Icy Depths [3.12]

[The intersecting lights from the 4 landmarks have formed an X over the harbor]

Alfred Pennyworth: X marks the spot indeed.

Gotham's Ultimate Criminal Mastermind [3.13]

Batman: D.A.V.E., why are you doing this?

D.A.V.E.: Did you say "why"? Why do you dress like a bat? Why do you fight crime? Why do we do anything, Batman? I do what I do because I have made it my purpose - like you have made it yours to stop me, but shall fail trying.

---

Professor Hugo Strange: Ah. The Dark Knight returns.

Batman: D.A.V.E.'s escape was no accident, was it, Professor?

Professor Hugo Strange: [covertly opening a draw on his desk] You are not suggesting that I deliberately released Gotham's ultimate criminal mastermind?

Batman: I'm suggesting that you might find Arkham a better home than office.

Professor Hugo Strange: The line between genius and insanity is often blurred.

[He pulls a gun and fires at Batman, but is quickly restrained. Batman then notices the collection of memorabilia of him in Strange's files]

Batman: Didn't know you were such a fan.

Professor Hugo Strange: Your obsession with criminals fascinates me as much as the criminals themselves.

Batman: Shut down D.A.V.E., now!

Professor Hugo Strange: I may have created D.A.V.E., Batman, but I no longer control him.

Batman: Then tell me how to stop him!

Professor Hugo Strange: You can't. You see, he was designed to stop you. D.A.V.E. enacted his crimes to bait you into encounters, in order to study you.

Batman: And why would he want to study me?

Professor Hugo Strange: [smiling darkly] Because I also programmed my psychology into D.A.V.E.'s brain. D.A.V.E. shares my fascination with you, Batman - and by now, has probably learned all there is to know about you.

[At Wayne Manor, Alfred answers the doorbell]

Alfred: Yes, yes, one moment. [he opens the door to find D.A.V.E. standing there]

D.A.V.E.: Good evening. Is the Batman home?

Season 4

A Matter of Family [4.01]

Dick: Is there a reason why this costume has to be so... colorful?

Mary: Because when I see you up there, Richard, you make me think of a little robin.

Dick: [embarrassed] Ugh! A robin? Like the bird? You know, kids my age get beat up for nicknames like that.

John: How about if we call you our Flying Squirrel? Better?

Dick: [smiling] You know, Dad, I'm not the only one who looks like a loser.

John: Loser? I'll teach you...!

[All three embrace, laughing]

---

Dick: You're the Batman, the Dark Knight, the World's Greatest Detective! That's you!

Bruce: And it's in large part why you haven't seen a lot of me lately. I don't want your childhood to be consumed by revenge... like mine was.

Team Penguin [4.02]

Killer Croc: Listen, mothball. There's only room for one "killer" here - that's Killer Croc.

Firefly: Nice wings. Granny make 'em?

Ragdoll: Now, now, give the man a chance. What are your special talents? Attraction to bright lights? Eating holes in sweaters?

Killer Moth: Listen, I can help you guys! I got a lot of skills!

Penguin: Do enlighten us, Moth.

Killer Moth: Well, I got stealth skills, code-breaking skills, karate skills, cocooning skills...

[He tries to demonstrate a silk-shooting gun, only to have it backfire into his face]

Penguin: [holds up a mug] What about coffee-making skills? I take mine black, two lumps.

---

Firefly: Bats sure went out with a bang!

Killer Croc: Yeah, we always think that.

Penguin: It doesn't matter. We kicked those Bat-butts once, we can do it again! Tonight proved it! Team Penguin is unstoppable!

Ragdoll: How about "Villains United"?

Penguin: How about you shut up?

Clayfaces [4.03]

Director: Okay, we've seen enough. I'm afraid you just don't have the right look.

Basil Karlo: What is it now? My nose? Last time, my ears were too big. Before that, I was too short! What do I gotta do to get a stinking part?!

Director: Maybe you should think about acting classes?

Basil Karlo: Acting classes? Ha! You wouldn't know a good actor if you tripped over one. One day, everyone in Gotham will know this face!

---

Bruce Wayne: The suspect ingested a highly concentrated form of the Clayface formula Ethan was exposed to.

Dick Grayson: I don't get it. Why would anyone willingly down a dangerous toxin?

Bruce Wayne: There are a lot of troubled people out there, Dick. Once we find our man, we'll find our answer.

[The Bat-computer identifies Karlo]

Bruce Wayne: We have a match: Basil Karlo. He's an actor. That is, if starring in Revenge of the Atomic Clone qualifies as acting.

[The computer plays a clip from a science fiction B-movie, with Karlo giving a hammy performance as a mad scientist]

Basil Karlo: Twenty years ago, I was thrown out of the university for crimes against nature. Why?! Because of my work to create a race of bio-genetic supermen!

Bruce Wayne: [dryly] Can't understand why he hasn't worked in over ten years.

Dick Grayson: [smirking] We are so watching that movie!

Strange New World [4.06]

Batman: Be careful what you say in front of him, Robin. Strange may be a madman, but he's also a brilliant psychiatrist. If he finds an opening, he'll mess with your head.

---

Bruce: I was this close to hurting all the people I tried to protect, Alfred. What if I'm not as lucky next time?

Alfred: If you'll forgive my saying so, luck had nothing to do with it. Even under a madman's influence, and believing himself to be alone, the Batman fought his way to the truth. That's who he is. It's who you are.

Artifacts [4.07]

Nightwing: Sit this one out. I can handle Freeze. Maybe it's time to pass the torch?

Batman: I'll pass the torch when the mission's over.

Nightwing: We both know the mission will never be over.

---

Mr. Freeze: [weakly] The cryo-chamer... cold enough to put me on ice... till someone wakes me up, and puts me back together... in a future without the Batman...

Two of a Kind [4.08]

The Joker: Pop psychology at its worst! The girl's [Harleen Quinzel] theories are unfounded! Her professional manner's a joke and training, if ANY, is shoddy at best! I LOVE this show! The girl's more screw-loose than me!

---

[During commercial break, Harleen runs off the stage before getting ready for the next part of the show. On the way, she runs into someone...]

Harleen: Ooh, Jimmy Herbert! Network bigwig! What brings you to the set today? Let me guess, in search of fashion advice?

Jimmy: Speaking of advice, what kind are you giving these people?

Harleen: Are you questioning me? Everyone who has an online degree in psychology please raise your hand. [Harleen raises her own hand but Jimmy is not impressed] Oh, okay, then how about we let the professionals do their job, alright hon?

Jimmy: This show is supposed to help people. You've turned it into a circus!

Harleen: I know! And if you want to talk circus, wait until you see my Valentine's Day special!

Jimmy: Look, there won't be a Valentine's day special if you keep this...[At this point, one of the stage managers alerts Harleen that it is time to resume the show]

Harleen: Oopsies, gotta get back! Laters, though.

Seconds [4.09]

Francis Grey: 1 second became 5 seconds, then 10, then 20. I wanted to go back 20 years before any of this happened, but all I got was 20 seconds. I can't get my time back, but I can punish the city for taking it.

Riddler's Revenge [4.10]

Riddler: You and me, work together? I'm into riddles, not jokes. Besides, I've ruined Gorman, and that's as good a note as any to go out on.

Batman: Then you're sure it was Gorman who sabotaged you?

Riddler: Even you, Batman, could have puzzled together a mystery this obvious.

Batman: Yeah, obvious. I guess I just figured with a riddle, the most obvious answer is rarely the right one.

---

Riddler: Another late night in the lab, Julie?

Julie: E-- Edward?

Riddler: Oh, you remember me. I'm touched.

Julie: Ah, what are you doing here?

Riddler: There's a riddle I'm having trouble solving. You were always so good at them, maybe you can help.

Julie: The $64,000 question? [smiles coldly] Why did I sabotage our project? Come on, Edward, it's not that hard.

Riddler: [grabs her, clearly frustrated and hurt] I thought you understood me!

Julie: I understood you were a psychopath. One that was going to ruin any chance for success.

Riddler: And so you got rid of me. Very smart. But I think we can make you smarter yet. [his henchmen seize Julie] Our little external bio hard-drives for the brain were only intended to be used one at a time. Let's see what happens when we use them all together! [attaches several all over Julie's face]

Julie: No, Edward! What are you doing?!

[A Batarang knocks the controls out of the Riddler's hand, and he turns to see Batman and Robin]

Robin: I know, I know! He's about to get his butt kicked, am I right?

Rumors [4.11]

Rumor: Time's up, my friends.

Professor Hugo Strange: [clears throat] Excuse me. Before you send us all to that big Arkham Asylum in the sky, would you mind indulging an old man's intellectual curiosity, and answer a simple question: why?

Rumor: Why? I'll tell you why. [removes his mask] I'm a bodyguard of Paul Karon. A great man. A man you, Joker, maimed.

Joker: [smiles, flattered] Me?

Catwoman: Should've known this was Joker's fault.

Penguin: Just had to make the nut-ball angry!

Rumor: Don't blame Joker - blame the Bat. He had the chance to permanently stop each and every one of you, but was always prevented by some code of ethics. Now I'm left to finish a job he doesn't have the guts to.

Professor Hugo Strange: [laughs] And you believe every word of that, don't you? You didn't capture us so you could save Gotham. No, you're trying to erase your own failure of not saving your boss.

Rumor: That's not true! Shut up!

---

Joker: Mind if we cut in, Batsy? You see, there's this nasty little rumor we'd all like to stomp out!

Rumor: [to Batman] You have to save me!

Batman: I know.

Robin: Let me guess. This is one of those "not the easy way, but the right way" moments?

The Joining Part 2 [4.13]

Batman: They created a metal stronger than almost any compound on Earth. But... they used Wayne Industries technology to do it.

Lucius Fox: Ah! Then that would mean...

Batman: Exactly. The Joining's just made their first mistake.

Lucius Fox Robot: We do not make mistakes. We are the Joining.

Batgirl: Unplug it.

Robin: It is unplugged!

Lucius Fox Robot: I am drawing power from the Joining. We have taken your technology. We have improved it. We use it now to destroy your world. We are unstoppable.

[The real Lucius punches the robot's head, shutting it down]

Lucius Fox: For such a good-looking guy, he talks too much.

---

[Watching Gordon and Mr. Freeze fight the Joining together]

Joker: This town's gone mad! [laughs]

Season 5

A Mirror Darkly [5.05]

Robin: Stop copying me!

Copy Robin: Stop copying me!

Robin: Oh, so you can talk.

Copy Robin: Oh, so you can talk.

Robin: Cut it out!

Copy Robin: Cut it out!

Robin: Quit it!

Copy Robin: Quit it!

Robin: I like to smell my feet.

Copy Robin: You like to smell your feet?

Robin: How did I fall for that?

The Metal Face of Comedy [5.08]

Marty: Dude, you've gone cyber! How totally cool is that?

Joker 2.0: My idea of "cool" is not spending the rest of my life AS A SCREENSAVER!

---

Harley Quinn: Don't take it wrong, hon, but a boyfriend who's a collection of itty-bitty robots is kind of... weird.

Joker 2.0: I'll have you know I'm the greatest version of Joker there's ever been! Joker 2.0!

Joker: [entering the room] More like a bad joke, minus one.

Joker 2.0: Ah, I should have know I'd show up.

Attack of the Terrible Trio [5.09]

Dr. Steven Phillips: [on TV] After last night's incident, I'm calling for all Gotham University students to have DNA tests that will determine who's been abusing mutagenic chemicals. Tests will begin tomorrow morning.

Justin: He can't do that! Isn't that, like, invasion of primacy?!

David: Privacy. And it's not legal, no way.

Amber: But what if everyone else takes the test and we don't? They'd know it was us.

David: [thinking] Hmm...

Amber: David?

David: What if everyone had the mutagen in their systems?

Justin: What are you talking about?

David: Well, I've always said this place was a zoo. What if it really turned into one?

---

Fox: You know, you were a real inspiration to me, Batman.

Batman: I was an inspiration to you?

Fox: When I was a kid, I saw you way up on a skyscraper. You had everything I ever wanted: power, freedom, no one to answer to... and then there was the whole animal thing, too.

Batman: You might have seen me, but you sure didn't understand.

Lost Heroes Part 2 [5.13]

[last lines of the series]

Batgirl: Yeah. junior Justice League, teen division.

Batman: Nice try.